JKA 63

“Take it out… take… take it out,”

Jiwoon shook his head from side to side. Then Zeo once again gently brushed back Jiwoon’s hair, which was a mess with cold sweat, and said,

“No.”

“Heuk… take it out, I said. I-I feel like I’m going to d-die. Hauk…”

“I think I get it now. Why they go so crazy for this.”

“……”

“I can feel you clamping down and sucking on me so well. Much more than before… How could I stop this? I don’t want to take it out.”

“Heuk…”

The more Jiwoon cried and made a scene, the more vivid the color of desire within Zeo became. He couldn’t feel anything other than the heat and the tight clenching, but even this alone was great progress.

“Jiwoon, just a little longer. I want to come inside you, but I can’t, so I feel like I’m going to lose my mind too.”

“Take it out… please…”

No longer even hearing Zeo’s words, Jiwoon kept repeating the same thing. Zeo, who was hugging Jiwoon’s body even more fiercely, broke his promise not to move and began to thrust up slowly. It was because he absolutely had to understand this boiling something.

*

Zeo was, in a word, like a dog in heat, rutting. Jiwoon got angry, pushed him away, cried, and begged, but it was all to no avail. He tried to somehow push off the tireless Zeo, but ended up exhausted and falling back asleep.

How long had he been asleep? Jiwoon woke up with a start, as if he had been struck by lightning. From his waist down to his lower body, he felt heavy and numb, as if he had been beaten all night. Clutching his back, Jiwoon barely managed to sit up and glared at Zeo, who was cooking in the kitchen.

Sensing his gaze, Zeo gestured with his chin toward a chair at the table with an unconcerned expression. Although he read the look that told him to sit, Jiwoon deliberately and stubbornly remained seated on the bed without saying a word. Then Zeo crossed his arms and looked at Jiwoon, speaking.

“Want me to carry you over?”

At the teasing tone, Jiwoon was so dumbfounded that he let out a dry laugh. The table was close enough to touch if he leaned over, so there was no need for anyone to carry him. Although his back hurt, Jiwoon managed to get out of bed on his trembling legs and slowly sat down at the table.

As soon as he sat on the chair, Jiwoon’s brow furrowed. An uncomfortable sensation under his buttocks made him sigh in annoyance. Zeo sat across from Jiwoon, chuckling, and reached out to forcibly place a spoon and chopsticks in Jiwoon’s hand.

“Not eating? You should eat, it’s already past lunchtime.”

At Zeo’s words, Jiwoon finally came to his senses and looked at him, asking urgently,

“I-It’s past lunch? W-What time… what time is it?”

At Jiwoon’s stuttering, Zeo took out his phone and showed him the screen. Looking at the time, it was already well past two in the afternoon. Not only had his class already started, but it was at a point where even if he left now, it would be difficult to even be marked as late.

“B-But I s-set an alarm. Why d-didn’t you wake me up? No, I mean, I t-told you to stop!”

No matter how much of a mess his life was, he never skipped class unless he felt like he was dying of pain. It was because he felt that if he didn’t even attend university properly, his parents would use it as an excuse to take him back home at any moment.

He didn’t care about other things, but he hated the idea of going back home more than death itself. He knew better than anyone that he couldn’t live like this without the financial support from his family, but he still felt that way. He had no right to be independent, yet his desire for it was bigger than anyone else’s.

When he recalled his home, which had been no different from a junkyard before Zeo came, it seemed like a preposterous thought. He didn’t know how to do anything properly. He also knew that no matter what he said about his situation, to others it would just sound like an excuse.

It wasn’t that Jiwoon was entirely comfortable in his home as it turned into a junkyard. The swarming bugs and the rising stench were all filthy and unclean. But if there was one thing that was the most uncomfortable among them, it was himself. That was why he could just stand by and watch his home rot like that.

He knew he shouldn’t. It wasn’t that he lived that way out of ignorance. He knew that living like this would only make him the one key piece of trash that completed the trash house, but he couldn’t help it. No, honestly, he was more at ease that way.

It was better to have a clearly visible problem from the start than to be told, “You look fine on the outside, you’re okay, what are you lacking that you act like that?” So that people would think, seeing the house he lived in, “Oh, you’re not okay.” He’d rather be treated like that. No, he’d rather everyone discovered his problem.

He wanted to be a person who didn’t have expectations and therefore was never followed by disappointment. He wanted to be thought of as, “It was bound to happen,” even if he suddenly died like that. He wanted to be forgotten and shatter into pieces like that, but a person couldn’t just be that way.

Even living like this, there were things he wanted to do, and things he wanted to eat. He had been avoiding the realization of that fact because he was afraid. Because he didn’t deserve it, he felt guilty for daring to harbor such feelings. As for who he felt guilty towards, that was hard to pinpoint.

So in the end, he ate, slept, and lived, even as he turned his house into a junkyard. Going back home was worse than dying. If he went back there, he would have to live as someone’s replacement again. Jiwoon wanted to be ‘me,’ even if he was trash.

The fact that he was attending school properly was the one thing that held him together. Jiwoon didn’t think his parents had completely given up on him. He just guessed they were giving him some kind of grace period. Of course, he hadn’t asked what they were thinking. He didn’t want to ask.

So Jiwoon was living his life to the best of his ability. That best was going to school, and for him, it was a kind of last line of defense. He didn’t want to let it crumble. He was gripped by the fear that if it collapsed, this life might end.

Missing a class once or twice wasn’t a big deal, but Jiwoon just gaped, as if he had been hit by an unexpected disaster. What in the world was this, he floundered, even though he knew.

Zeo astutely noticed this. In fact, it was impossible not to. Unless he was really sick and ailing, Jiwoon was diligent about going to school. Whether he daydreamed in class or dozed off, he went. Even when he lived in a complete mess, he prepared for exams diligently and didn’t miss assignments. He acted like a person who couldn’t bear it otherwise. There was no way he wouldn’t know that.

“A cancellation notice came. If it hadn’t, I would have woken you up somehow.”

Zeo said in a soothing tone. Compared to usual, his expression was noticeably gentle and his tone was affectionate. At those words, Jiwoon let out a huge breath, whoosh, like someone who had been pulled out of the water.

“I knew you only had one class today, and I knew it was at 12. It’s not like I did it without thinking…”

Still, perhaps feeling a little guilty, Zeo poured out his words like an excuse, then suddenly met Jiwoon’s eyes and said,

“Fix your eyes.”

“…W-What did you say?”

At Zeo’s sudden burst of irritation, Jiwoon’s energy instantly drained, and he spoke in a completely hoarse voice, as if he found it absurd.

“What are you glaring at me for? You think I did it to screw you over? Seriously.”

“B-But I didn’t know!”

“Even if you did!”

“……”

“Your eyes, what, like you’re going to eat me alive… Did I do it on purpose?”

The saying about eating a chicken and then presenting a duck’s foot was a perfect description of this situation. It was clearly Zeo who was in the wrong, but he was picking a fight over a little glare, which felt unfair. From his perspective, it was a perfectly reasonable thing to be annoyed about. It wasn’t just anything; skipping class after having sex all night was something that didn’t make sense by common standards.

“I-It was o-on purpose, wasn’t it? D-Did s-someone tell you to d-do it?”

Jiwoon snapped, then began to eat with the spoon Zeo had given him. It was clear the food would get cold if he left it any longer, and it would be a waste. But after he said it, he felt a bit embarrassed, and Jiwoon’s ears began to turn red.

“Then what, should I thank you for playing along?”

Instead of answering, Jiwoon just ate diligently. Inwardly, he muttered, ‘Of course, you should thank me.’ For Zeo, it might be no big deal to get himself hard, stick it in, and thrust as much as he wanted, but it wasn’t the same for him.

He had to give him credit for his shamelessness, after pushing a person to their limit. The class cancellation was the same. It was a good thing the class was canceled, but if it hadn’t been, even if Zeo had shaken him awake, would he have been able to go to class in a normal state?

Looking back, there wasn’t a single day he wasn’t tired. Of course, half of it was his own fault. In the beginning, there were more days when he had clung to Zeo because he wanted to. But Zeo was the same, clinging to him without knowing any limits.

It had gotten worse recently. ‘You like it more when I push you, so I’m just doing that for you, therefore it’s not my fault.’ That was his logic. It wasn’t wrong, but he thought it would be more reasonable for the person who could control themselves to do so.

It wasn’t like he couldn’t do it either. He acted as if it was all his fault. Other days, he wasn’t sure, but last night was definitely mostly Zeo’s fault. It wasn’t even night, but morning, just a few hours ago. He couldn’t have forgotten that, so he had to be thick-skinned.

“How can you eat the food I made when you feel so wronged?”

“W-Well, you m-made it for me to e-eat, didn’t you?”

“Well, I’ll be.”

“Who else is there to e-eat it besides me…”

Jiwoon was confident. Who else in this tiny house would he have made all this food for? In the end, it was his share, so he was just eating it. They both thought the other was impossibly shameless, yet they were letting it slide.

Zeo, in particular, quite liked those words. He liked that Jiwoon considered everything he did as his own. That’s right, everything from one to ten was done for Jiwoon. In a way, just knowing that fully was enough.

Following last night, a different kind of fulfillment welled up. It wasn’t intuitive, but something in a more detailed and delicate domain. He wondered if this was what it was like to feed and clothe someone.

That colorful sensation settled under his chest in a strange and bizarre shape. So dumbfounded and incredulous, Zeo let out a dry laugh. He was becoming human. He could be sure now. The only beings in the world that lived chasing after something unknown were humans.

“S-So are you going to stay h-home all day today?”

“You planning on going out looking like that?”

“That’s not it, I-I want to do housework t-together.”

At Jiwoon’s words, Zeo looked at him, slightly surprised. Jiwoon, embarrassed for some reason, avoided Zeo’s gaze and mumbled.

“I-I want to learn how to clean… or just do what o-others normally do.”

“……”

“I-I think I should.”

It was remarkable growth. It wasn’t that Jiwoon didn’t know how to do things like run the washing machine, but compared to others who lived alone, his life skills were certainly lacking. Moreover, now that Zeo was doing everything for him from one to ten, it was even more so.

So Jiwoon’s words were something that should be praised, but for some reason, Zeo didn’t feel entirely happy about them. What should he say, it felt like something was slipping away. This too was an unidentifiable emotion.

*

—I’m not forcing you, just think of it as eating a meal your sunbae is buying for you. Come to think of it, I’ve never bought you a meal before.

Around evening, Jiwoon received a call from his club president. He had been spending his time trailing after Zeo, who kept trying to make him just sit still, saying that doing nothing was helping.