JKA 85

As Jiwoon narrowed his brow as if trying to recall something, 17, as though the inevitable had come, naturally changed the subject.

“It is best not to encounter him, but the situation is what it is. And I spoke with that demon briefly yesterday. About Mr. Im Hanbyeol’s case.”

At the mention of Hanbyeol, Jiwoon quickly snapped out of his thoughts, and 17 did not miss the opportunity.

“He will soon take his hands off Mr. Im Hanbyeol. Yesterday’s incident was his misstep.”

“…T-Taking his hands off, d-does that mean he’ll d-disappear?”

“Yes.”

“……”

“And I believe I will be able to do the same once this filming is over.”

Throughout the shoot, Jiwoon was busy trying to keep his thoughts from wandering. Even when he was reciting his memorized lines well, 17’s words would suddenly pop into his head, giving him a hard time. To say that he, too, would leave once this filming was over—wasn’t it too sudden?

‘Mr. Myeong Jiwoon, I don’t know how these words will sound to you, but most humans live alone. Not everyone is fairly given a family, friends, and lovers, and even if one has all of those things, one’s life can only be taken responsibility for by oneself.’

17 had grasped the shoulders of Jiwoon, whose eyes were darting about in seeming panic, with a calm voice. The strange weight of it felt as if it were holding down his body, which was losing its sense of reality and constantly trying to float away.

‘I cannot be by your side forever.’

Jiwoon knew that well. In a way, he had been living about half his life by entrusting it to others. That was, in a way, unfair. He thought that, apart from what had happened to him, the existence of an angel was a kind of bug.

So he fully understood that not everything given to him could be eternal. But why? Strangely, it felt like something was left unfinished. There was clearly something unresolved, but he couldn’t figure out what it was, so his insides felt stuffy, as if he had indigestion.

‘I-I know that, but… I-I don’t know if it’s okay like this.’

‘It will be okay.’

‘…….’

‘Because lately, you haven’t been thinking about wanting to die at all.’

That was right. Ruminating on it, it had been quite a while since he had spoken or thought those words he used to utter habitually. To say it was because he had been so busy with so many things lately was to discount the fact that he had found himself somehow confronting Egarsia, who had his hyung’s face.

That wasn’t all. He would have small conversations with the film club members, and he no longer got very startled even when they approached him and spoke to him out of the blue. He could quickly realize that this wasn’t just because these people were kind to him.

It hadn’t happened magically at some point. Perhaps he had been changing little by little from the moment he resolved to try making a movie, or maybe even before that, from the time he had laid bare his honest feelings with Hanbyeol. It had just taken a long time for him to notice.

For the filming, he absolutely had to make eye contact with his counterpart. His acting partner wasn’t just Egarsia. There were flashback scenes, so he also had to act in sync with the other film club members. In between, he had to listen carefully to the advice given by Yeongeun or Heechan.

How he should speak, what kind of expression he should make—Jiwoon was learning through acting. Facing Egarsia was not entirely a comfortable thing to do. But Jiwoon was slowly able to separate him from Seonwoo. At times, he was even glad that he could see his hyung’s face, now faint in his memory, so clearly, even if it was like this. It was a strange thing.

He had never even imagined himself mixing with so many people and having conversations. Furthermore, the experience of doing something together with them was something he had never even dreamed of. To Jiwoon, university was just a place of escape, and his small studio apartment was a sanctuary.

From the moment an unfamiliar being barged in there, he could no longer return to how things were. That might be why it felt even more daunting. If he went back to the time when he was all alone in that small studio, would he be able to keep all of these things he had gained now? Jiwoon had no confidence.

*

“Should we call it a day? The remaining scenes… maybe next week? I think we can do it if we check our schedules on the weekend.”

They finished shooting the outdoor scenes while the sun was up, and the indoor scenes at a club member’s studio apartment after it had set. The last train was approaching, so everyone had tired faces. It was because they were exhausted from the grueling schedule that had continued from yesterday to today.

There were only a few outdoor scenes left to shoot, so they started to pack up the equipment and props that were filling the small room. Jiwoon, while packing his clothes one by one into a box with 17, occasionally looked around.

Looking at the staged scene for the shoot, with things scattered about and mounds of clothes piled up here and there, he was suddenly reminded of his own studio apartment in the past. The image of his room, which had been much more cluttered and messy than this place, had now become a memory.

“The clothes were all new, I feel bad that we used them so roughly.”

Heechan, who was organizing the filming equipment, came over and plopped down in front of Jiwoon, speaking as he folded clothes. In response, Jiwoon smiled awkwardly and answered.

“I-It’s okay. Th-They were clothes I d-didn’t wear anyway.”

“You must like clothes?”

“Pardon?”

“It was obvious there were too many new clothes, so I asked Hanbyeol, and he said buying clothes was your hobby. That these were clothes you bought and failed with.”

“Ah…”

Jiwoon nodded and packed the clothes into the box. It seemed Hanbyeol had smoothed things over with a suitable excuse.

“But, if they don’t suit you or don’t fit well, don’t you usually return them? If you’re living on your own, it must be a studio, and all this is just clutter.”

“Th-That’s actually.”

“……”

“I-I didn’t buy them; m-my parents bought them for me.”

“What? Then you shouldn’t be using them so roughly, should you?”

Heechan asked with a surprised expression, but Jiwoon shook his head and folded the clothes.

“I-I couldn’t send them back h-home, and they just k-kept piling up. I-It’s a relief they could be used like this, I guess…”

“……”

“I-I should have told them n-not to send them, b-but it was a bit d-difficult to say.”

“Why?”

“J-Just because.”

Jiwoon couldn’t answer properly and mumbled. He felt like he had been asked a similar question before, but Jiwoon still couldn’t erase the thoughts that came to mind when he looked at the clothes. It was the thought that the owner of these various clothes sent to him as an adult was actually someone else.

He had never asked, so it was just a guess, but looking at the clothes sent to him until his studio was bursting at the seams, it didn’t seem like they were for him alone. In truth, when he thought that the person they really wanted to buy clothes for like this was his hyung, who would have a more pride-worthy appearance rather than one like his, he just couldn’t bring himself to touch them.

And because of that, he couldn’t rashly send them back, nor could he tell them to stop. If his parents were seeing him, sent to another city, as overlapping with his hyung who had lived in a dormitory, it felt like he shouldn’t do that for some reason. It was because he thought this might be their lifeline.

“Still, you should say something. Isn’t it a waste?”

Heechan casually tossed the words at Jiwoon, who was keeping his mouth firmly shut. At those words, Jiwoon raised his head and met Heechan’s eyes.

“If they keep sending them, your room will be full at some point, and that’ll be more of a hassle.”

“Th-That’s true.”

“You’d be better off getting the money instead. Or ask for something really expensive sometimes.”

“……”

“Well… thanks to you, we put them to good use.”

Heechan, having filled one box completely, closed it properly and pushed it towards Jiwoon. 17, who had been listening to the whole conversation from the side, picked up the box and headed towards the entrance.

“Let’s have a wrap-up party after the shoot is all done next week. We have to get it done quickly; it hasn’t been long since midterms ended, but finals are just around the corner, right?”

“Y-Yes.”

“Thanks for your help. We’ll clean up the rest, so you can go with your hyung.”

“N-No. There’s still a l-lot to clean up.”

“No, it’s fine. I have to pack the filming equipment anyway, and this is our job.”

You memorize the script and act, and we film. Heechan said so and smiled.

“And you helped a lot. Your cousin even helped with this and that since Hanbyeol wasn’t here. Taking all this and organizing it is a lot of work, too, so you should get going.”

“Um…”

“Yeah?”

As Heechan urged him to go and was about to turn away, Jiwoon hurriedly caught him. At that, Heechan looked at him as if to ask what was wrong. Jiwoon hesitated before opening his mouth.

“Th-Thank you for k-keeping this u-up with me, even though I-I’m not very g-good at it.”

“……”

“R-Really. I-I enjoyed it, so I r-really wanted to th-thank you.”

If he had really changed even a little, he thought it was thanks to the people who were with him now. If he had still been stuck in his room, he would have been buried in the same thoughts without being able to change anything. That’s why Jiwoon really wanted to express his gratitude to him, who had kept believing in him.

“P-Please take care of me for the r-rest of the shoot, and I w-want to thank everyone again at the w-wrap-up party.”

Jiwoon’s ears turned bright red as he spoke in a small, stuttering voice. Moreover, though everyone was desperately pretending not to notice, because the room was small, all the gathered film club members had heard him. They were just pretending not to hear and deliberately moving around more busily.

“Oh yeah? Then join our club next semester.”

“Pardon?”

“It’d be a shame to do something this fun just once and quit. Don’t you think?”

At Heechan’s question, Jiwoon nodded his head. At that, Heechan looked satisfied and organized the props. Jiwoon stood there awkwardly for a moment, then bowed his head deeply in farewell and picked up the boxes piled at the entrance.

He hadn’t expected to be invited to join the club, so he was both dazed and excited at the same time. Compared to the acting 17 had done in his stead yesterday, his own acting today was terrible. Yet, they were asking him to do fun things together in the future, so a smile spread across his face out of gratitude.

17 picked up the remaining boxes and followed Jiwoon. With this, he thought that there was definitely no longer a need to stay by Jiwoon’s side. Just looking at his excited back, the answer was clear. Even if he wanted to help Jiwoon, there was nothing more to help with, so it was right for him to leave.

Eventually, 17, who was carrying the boxes, called out to Jiwoon, who had stopped in his tracks. He opened the trunk of the car parked nearby and put the boxes inside. Jiwoon said nothing until then, and 17 didn’t ask any particular questions either.

However, after 17 got into the car and started the engine, Jiwoon, who followed and got into the passenger seat, had a somewhat darker expression than before, as if some change of heart had occurred in that short time, and he spoke to 17.

“U-Um. W-Will I r-really be able to do w-well?”