JKA 35

“He, he was good at his studies and had a lot of friends. When hyung was around, the house was only ever filled with the sound of laughter. He was really good to me, too… He was that kind of.”

“He sounds like a good hyung.”

“…He’s dead.”

At Jiwoon’s words, Hanbyeol’s eyes widened.

“It wa- was an accident, and I was there. Ah, he said he’d buy me ice cream, and we went out together, and i-it happened like that.”

“…”

“But I’m not, no-not as amazing as hyung.”

It felt like being trapped in a shadow. The original self could no longer be found in this world, and Jiwoon felt like a shadow that couldn’t follow the vanished original, remaining behind and endlessly spinning in place. Because he was a shadow, no matter how hard he tried, he could never catch up to the original self that had once shone so brightly. He felt like he was chasing someone from a place so unnoticeable that it was as if he was barely there at all.

“I’m the one who’s lacking, but I keep, uh, feeling resentful. The one who’s truly pitiful is hyung, and I, I know that. Why, why did the accident have to happen like that.”

“…”

“I just thought that if I had died, no-nothing like this would have happened.”

“Did you try to die?”

Hanbyeol asked without hesitation, and Jiwoon, surprisingly, nodded meekly.

“Ye-yeah. After all, everyone only sees hyung in me. My mom said it one day. A-ah, she tries not to, but I’m gradually… be-becoming more like him. My face and hyung’s.”

“…”

“She said she keeps se-seeing him.”

Jiwoon’s mother couldn’t bear it. She said that even when she tried to see Jiwoon and his hyung as separate people, she couldn’t shake off their faces that grew more similar as time passed. That was what she had said, kneeling and sobbing, when Jiwoon finally came out of his room after locking the door and holing up inside.

“My hyung died be-because of me.”

“Who said that?”

Jiwoon fidgeted with the beer can in his hands. Not a trace of coldness remained in the can. It was just growing lighter and lighter in his two hands.

“Did your mother say that? Your father?”

Hanbyeol pressed him as if interrogating him, but Jiwoon didn’t answer. In his mind, the image of his mother screaming and wailing, “What was so important about some stupid ice cream?” just kept replaying over and over.

“It wasn’t your fault!”

Roar. The sudden shout made Jiwoon snap to his senses and raise his head. He then saw Hanbyeol, who had shot up from his seat and was looking at him with an angry expression.

“Let’s say something similar happened to me, and I died. But if my younger sibling was hearing things like this, I would never just stand by and do nothing!”

“…”

“You said your hyung was a good person. He probably would never think that way. If it were me, I would just feel sorry. I’d feel sorry even after death that such an accident happened when my sibling was there, of all times, and that I made my sibling see something like that.”

Hanbyeol said as much and reached his hand out to Jiwoon.

“Give me your phone. I’ll give your parents a piece of my mind.”

“N-no, there’s no need to go that far…”

“There is!”

“…”

“You thought about wanting to die because of that, didn’t you? Then you have to tell them! You absolutely have to get an apology for this. I’ll do it for you.”

“…”

“Don’t think like that.”

At Hanbyeol’s words, a lump suddenly formed in Jiwoon’s throat, and his eyes welled up with tears. But he desperately held them back. He didn’t want to cry again and make a drunken scene.

“Never, ever think that it would be better if you weren’t here.”

Hanbyeol said so and placed his outstretched hand on Jiwoon’s head. Then, with a touch reminiscent of a hyung, he ruffled his hair.

‘Jiwoon-ah, what do you want to be when you grow up?’

His hyung had asked as he was choosing an ice cream. At that moment, Jiwoon was so absorbed in which ice cream to eat that he hadn’t thought properly about the question.

‘An ice cream maker?’

Jiwoon had said, picking up his favorite ice cream. Then his hyung had stroked his head and said.

‘That’s great.’

‘…’

‘You have to do that.’

You don’t have to be a doctor or a lawyer or anything like that, so you just live your life doing what you want to do. His hyung had added. The words he hadn’t understood back then, the gentle voice he hadn’t heard even in the countless dreams he’d had since his hyung left—when he heard it, Jiwoon suddenly grabbed Hanbyeol’s wrist as it was stroking his head and said.

“You too.”

“Huh?”

“You shouldn’t do that either.”

At Jiwoon’s words, Hanbyeol slowly withdrew his hand. But Jiwoon, getting up awkwardly, did not let go of Hanbyeol’s wrist.

Seeing Jiwoon enter the room after washing up and changing his clothes, Hanbyeol burst out laughing. At the sight, Jiwoon frowned and said.

“D-don’t laugh.”

The underwear situation had been resolved, but there was one part that hadn’t been. His pajamas. Because of their significant difference in physique, the only thing of Hanbyeol’s that fit was a baggy t-shirt. But he couldn’t just parade around someone else’s house in a single t-shirt, so what Hanbyeol brought out was a pair of floral-patterned work pants that his mother used to wear.

They were a little small, but it was still much better than wearing Hanbyeol’s pants, which would have slid right off. It was a relief that the t-shirt was big enough to come down below his hips.

“I-is it really okay for me to wear this?”

“It’s fine. Mom said she doesn’t wear them anymore.”

Hanbyeol said so and took out his cell phone, then began snapping photos. Click, click. At this, Jiwoon approached him and tried to cover the cell phone camera, bickering.

“Hey, why are you taking pictures.”

“It’s funny, the floral pants.”

“It’s not f-funny at all!”

As if to say he was done, Jiwoon left Hanbyeol and plopped down on the floor. A table had been set up in Hanbyeol’s room for them to work. Hanbyeol giggled as he looked at his gallery album, which had captured everything, including Jiwoon walking over in annoyance, and Jiwoon turned on his laptop, ignoring him.

“Hu-hurry up and sit down and turn on your laptop.”

“Okay, okay.”

Hanbyeol suppressed his laughter with effort, sat down across from Jiwoon, and turned on his laptop. Then, they shared their screens and played the test video Hanbyeol had received.

“You s-said you’ve watched a lot of sunbae’s videos.”

“Yeah. He mostly uploads gaming videos.”

“The w-work we do is mostly taking the parts he checks in the live highlight videos and uploading them as Shorts, so it’s short…”

Jiwoon quickly focused and began explaining things like Seungyoon’s editing style and the subscribers’ preferences. Apart from his stutter, his explanation was neat and detailed, likely thanks to having worked on Seungyoon’s videos for a long time. Hanbyeol, who had been joking around in case Jiwoon felt awkward, also quickly focused and started editing along with his words.

“It’s even better if you know the me-memes or jokes that are going around on the internet.”

“You mean I have to study?”

“…It does sound funny to call it st-studying.”

Jiwoon, who spent most of his time surfing the internet, was well-versed in memes and jokes. But Hanbyeol, perhaps because he didn’t have the time or just wasn’t very interested, couldn’t understand most of the jokes in the videos that were supposed to be funny.

“So it’s not just about editing. It’s harder than I thought.”

“You’ll get u-used to it soon.”

“I think I know why that sunbae keeps using you. I guess you could say you definitely have a knack for it… I don’t know much, but the videos you make are fun.”

“I’m just u-using the parts he picks out.”

“Still, look at the comments. There are a lot of people who say your editing is fun.”

“It’s probably because I’ve been with sunbae since his e-early days, so they’re used to it… I also worked wi-with sunbae a lot in the beginning. Our styles became similar.”

Jiwoon felt needlessly embarrassed and kept changing the subject. It was because he was unfamiliar with receiving such positive feedback to his face. Of course, he had received good evaluations on his editing during lectures several times. It was his first time receiving such an evaluation in front of many people, so at the time, he had barely listened and didn’t really know, but receiving feedback like this felt completely different.

Perhaps it was even more so because it was praise from someone with whom he had opened up and spoken his mind. Since Hanbyeol was better than him at everything, his praise might have felt more valuable. Above all, the way he spoke while editing earnestly didn’t feel like he was just paying a lip service.

“So do you call that demon Eggi?”

Jiwoon asked as he looked up information on a part Hanbyeol had asked about and checked the video again. Hanbyeol shrugged and said.

“Why would I? I don’t do that kind of thing.”

“Then do you just keep calling it a demon?”

“Because it is a demon.”

In that moment, Jiwoon could once again appreciate why 1129 had said one needed to check the other person’s expression, gestures, and everything else while conversing. Hanbyeol was answering every question he asked, but his expression and replies were half-hearted, as if he didn’t like the topic very much.

However, despite noticing Hanbyeol’s mood, Jiwoon had no intention of changing the subject. It was because there was still something he wanted to ask for certain. He had a gut feeling that Hanbyeol, just like him, had something he wasn’t revealing.

“You sa-said you haven’t seen it recently, right? Since when…”

“I think it was after I met you at the pharmacy.”

“…”

“Come to think of it, I think it was with that angel called 1129 back then.”