JKA 88

“B, but H, Hanbyeol isn’t h, here right now. He s, said he isn’t receiving m, mourners.”

—Still, send it. If I didn’t know, I didn’t know, but how can I not go now that I do? Then why are you there!

Jiwoon hesitated for a moment, but then nodded, saying he understood. It was because the empty funeral hall was weighing on his mind. It wasn’t because he felt sorry for the deceased. It was for Hanbyeol, who had to guard the empty funeral hall alone until tomorrow.

Seungyoon, who had rushed through the dark dawn streets, could be seen getting out of a taxi and looking around. Jiwoon, who was waiting for Seungyoon at the entrance of the funeral hall, waved to him from a distance. During the day, it was hot enough to make one wonder if summer had already arrived, but once the sun set, it became very chilly, so Jiwoon shivered slightly.

As soon as he spotted Jiwoon, Seungyoon approached with quick steps, but instead of going straight inside, he grabbed Jiwoon’s hand, saying they should have a cigarette first. Dazedly following Seungyoon, Jiwoon arrived at the smoking area and crossed his arms, rubbing them repeatedly. White smoke rose between the chill of the dawn air and the silence of the deserted space.

“I was worried because I came in such a rush that my clothes are a mess, but seeing you puts me at ease.”

Seungyoon, dressed in comfortable sweatpants, let out a long breath as he looked at Jiwoon. Jiwoon, too, had come as soon as he got the call, so he was just in a white t-shirt and jeans. Jiwoon looked at the cigarette cherry glowing like a traffic light in the darkness and spoke.

“Y, you got here f, fast.”

“Yeah. There was no traffic.”

Seungyoon let out a hollow laugh, saying that the roads, which were so congested during the day, were wide open at dawn.

“Tell me roughly what’s going on. So I don’t make any mistakes when I go inside.”

At Seungyoon’s words, Jiwoon hesitated a little before nodding. He couldn’t tell him every single detail from one to ten, but he felt he needed to explain to some extent.

“W, well… I, I don’t know the d, details either. H, he said he h, hadn’t been in contact with his f, father for a l, long time and then g, got a call.”

“…”

“S, so there’s n, no one inside, and th, they’re having the f, funeral procession t, tomorrow.”

“…Is that right.”

Seungyoon smoked his cigarette with a heavy expression, and for some reason, Jiwoon couldn’t take his eyes off him. It was because the rising white smoke and the flickering light kept catching his attention.

“Hanbyeol said it was just him, his mom, and a little sibling, right? Then it’s just you and me here now?”

“Th, that’s right.”

“It’d be good to have one or two more guys.”

“Wh, why?”

“We have to carry the coffin.”

“…”

“Is there no one to call?”

Jiwoon just blinked silently. It was something he hadn’t thought of, so no one came to mind. Since Hanbyeol had adamantly stated that there was no one else to call, he had no way of knowing if there was anyone they could call now.

“Well, I guess… we can just hire people. I’ll ask later.”

We’ll have to rent suits too, watching Seungyoon mutter to himself, Jiwoon felt that he seemed quite like an adult. In truth, the age difference wasn’t that significant, so he had never really seen Seungyoon as a great adult.

“It’s a bit much to ask now, but has nothing been going on with you?”

“W, with me?”

“Yeah. You’re not taking on much work, not much contact, I was wondering what you were up to. I hear things from Hanbyeol sometimes.”

“…”

“A few months ago, you called me out of the blue and said some weird stuff, I just suddenly remembered.”

“What stuff?”

At Seungyoon’s words, Jiwoon furrowed his brow as if he couldn’t remember well. Then Seungyoon spoke, exasperated.

“What, you called me first thing in the morning and said something about a cockroach in your house. Don’t you remember?”

“…I don’t think so.”

No matter how he searched his memory, no such thing had happened. Then Seungyoon, looking frustrated, gazed up at the empty air before stubbing out his cigarette in the ashtray.

“You called me while I was sleeping and spouted nonsense, asking what I would do if a cockroach that walks on two legs and cooks for you really appeared. I was so dumbfounded when I heard that, and you don’t remember?”

“…”

“Then forget that. What about that game?”

“No, I don’t know what you’ve b, been talking about since earlier.”

“The game that made you do the dishes!”

Looking at Seungyoon, who was spouting a stream of things he hadn’t done, like dating sims and favorite characters, Jiwoon just kept repeating that he didn’t remember. It was because he truly didn’t remember a single thing. The more he did, the more Seungyoon’s expression became tinged with irritation.

“Hey, I was thinking about that on my way here… it’s weird that you suddenly made a normal friend at university, and that your bangs are gone now.”

“…”

“I was wondering if you had someone you were seeing.”

Seeing Jiwoon not contacting him separately while rattling on with strange stories, Seungyoon had thought that perhaps he had started seeing someone. To say that he had simply made a friend, Jiwoon had changed far too much.

In fact, the moment Seungyoon saw Jiwoon, he had been quite taken aback by his cleanly cut bangs. It just wasn’t the important thing at the moment, so he hadn’t brought it up right away. But it kept catching his eye, so he had deliberately brought up other topics as a prelude. But to hear that Jiwoon remembered nothing was simply flabbergasting.

“Are you pretending not to know on purpose? I’d be a bit hurt if you’re hiding it even from me, of all people.”

“N, there’s nothing like that…”

As he answered irritably, Jiwoon was struck by a sharp, ringing headache and clutched his head. For a split second, a stranger’s face flashed before his eyes and disappeared. It was the face of a man with blond hair and blue eyes. Around his lips, veiled in cigarette smoke, a red light flickered.

His gaze was so alien it made one wonder if he was even human. He didn’t seem like someone who could exist in reality. But for such a person to flash into his mind, the first emotion Jiwoon felt was bewilderment. At first, he was just a stranger, but for some reason, the more he thought of him, the more he felt a strange sense of familiarity.

But he couldn’t remember who he was. To be precise, it felt like he was about to remember, but it was as if someone was stopping him from recalling it. As Jiwoon let out a pained groan and sank down, clutching his head, a surprised Seungyoon grabbed hold of him.

Seungyoon repeatedly asked if he was okay and what was wrong, but Jiwoon said nothing, as if he couldn’t hear. Then, at a certain point, Jiwoon removed the hands from his head and looked up. The distant memory crept in slowly before swallowing him whole in an instant.

Seungyoon’s words, which 17 had failed to touch, had untied the forcibly bound strings of memory. They poured down over his head as if crumbling. All the faces he had thought were 17’s until now began to change into the face of the stranger he had just recalled. At the same time, the memory of what Seungyoon had said replayed before his eyes.

The half-winged angel who squeezed in through the window reflected in the door of the spinning dryer at the coin laundry. The face he met on the rooftop the moment his bangs were cut and the stranger in the hazy steam of the bathroom who gradually faded were all the same person, and at the same time, not 17.

Above all, Jiwoon clearly remembered who that person was. But among the memories rushing in like a tidal wave, there was just one scene, only one, that he had forgotten. Jiwoon instinctively snatched that memory and pulled it up.

In the vivid memory, which flapped like something that happened just yesterday, he was, just like now, in the predawn light where the city lights faintly shimmered, holding onto the railing of a deserted overpass. A deep breath failed to soothe his overturned stomach and was exhaled back out as his grip on the railing tightened.

His face was hot as if he had a terrible cold, and his body, so heavy it was hard to take a single step, felt like it was being sucked into the ground. When he had arrived there, forcibly resisting the gravity that pressed down on his constantly floating body, Jiwoon had amusingly thought that he wanted to try flying.

When he decided to climb onto the railing, Jiwoon felt light all over for the first time. It was because he had first thrown his useless, baggage-like heart over the side. The body that had lost its reason to live floated up like a fully inflated balloon. Maybe I can fly, he thought, not knowing how refreshing the chilly winter air felt against his cheek.

Fear was not an obstacle, and hesitation was not even a hurdle. It was a day when the night of pain had been so long that even the fierce, flesh-biting gale felt like the comfort of a soft feather brushing his cheek. The guilt that pressed down on him to the point of suffocation and the despair of feeling that he could never become like his brother who had left first kept making him smaller and smaller.

Jiwoon felt as if he were standing in that spot, on that night. That vivid scene was from before he had shut himself away in his room. Before isolating himself, Jiwoon had first chosen to abandon himself. It wasn’t because one was easier or more doable than the other.

Each choice he made didn’t hold that much meaning. It wasn’t a choice he picked for the sole reason that it was convenient. Jiwoon just wanted to run away. He had left his house and walked aimlessly, and had simply set foot on the highest place he could climb right then.

When he had easily climbed onto the railing, Jiwoon looked down at everything he could see and suddenly, as if a fist had been thrust from within, his throat stung, and he clamped his mouth shut. He hated himself for being cornered to the point where he couldn’t even weigh the worst and best options, and for coming this far without even having a proper conversation with himself.

Finally, when his body lost its balance and fell, Jiwoon trembled with relief. But strangely, though he was falling endlessly downward, he never hit the ground. When he unknowingly opened his tightly shut eyes, Jiwoon came face to face with an angel. A wingless angel.

“H, how could I have f, forgotten th, this?”

“Are you really okay? Hey, stop messing around…!”

When Jiwoon met his eyes, Seungyoon let out a sigh of relief. But that was also brief; he couldn’t hide his bewilderment as he watched Jiwoon’s eyes cloud over. Seungyoon, who knew nothing, had no idea why Jiwoon was acting this way.

“How could I, this.”

The half-winged angel’s severed wing was supporting his body. The angel’s face was terribly contorted, and that face, which he met for the first time that day, amusingly wore the same expression as the face in his very last memory.

‘You can’t die.’

‘…’

‘No matter what happens, you can’t die.’

Facing the angel who desperately grasped his hand, Jiwoon, with all his memories restored, dropped his head. Because now that he fully understood his heart, there was not a single reason left for that angel, for 1129, for Lee Zeo, to exist for Jiwoon.

*

In the midday of early summer, the heat wave was in full swing. As always, the news predicted the worst heat wave in decades. Feeling the cold wind from the ceaselessly running air conditioner, Jiwoon finished his last final exam and left the lecture hall.

“Oh, Myeong Jiwoon! Did you do well on the exam? You got out super fast.”

“You came out too fast. You didn’t leave it blank, did you?”

As soon as he opened the door to the department lounge, Sanghyun, a sunbae, and Jihye, a classmate, who were sitting in the corner doing some last-minute cramming, acknowledged him. Jiwoon pulled a chair near them quite naturally and set down his bag.

“N, not blank, I d, did fill it in.”

“Take it easy. Is being the top student your dream?”

Sanghyun, who spoke without taking his eyes off his tablet, and Jihye, who was focused on cramming regardless, were members of the film club he had made a movie with. Before that, they were people he had never even had a trivial conversation with, but after doing the club activity together, they had grown much closer and sometimes had lunch together.

After entering the period of scorching heat and final exams, Jiwoon’s appearance with his bangs cut off was not a big topic of conversation. At first, those who didn’t even know of Jiwoon’s existence had all whispered, asking who he was, but that was only for a short while. It was just like a passing season.