JKA 59

He couldn’t just disappear. It wasn’t that Im Hanbyeol’s thinking was completely wrong. If it couldn’t be forever, then yes, just as he said, it was right to make Myeong Jiwoon give up on him. In fact, Zeo himself had tried to do that at first. Goddammit, he had only intended to keep him alive. It wasn’t like he didn’t know that, which was why he was making such a fuss.

But if things had already reached a point of no return, he had to at least stop Jiwoon from trying to kill himself because of him. Lee Zeo could now understand what 17 had been concerned about. So he was doing his best.

Even if he were to disappear from in front of Jiwoon tomorrow, even if he were to become unable to ever appear before him no matter how hard he tried, he wanted to make it so Myeong Jiwoon could live on. He taught him many things and learned from him, so that he wouldn’t reach a point of giving up on life just because he lost a mere love. So that at least one thing, anything, would remain with him so he could live on.

His body trembled, not from pain, but from the anger welling up inside him. He was trying so damn hard to do that, suppressing what he really wanted to do, sending Myeong Jiwoon to school, and even sending him to Im Hanbyeol. He advised him to meet many people and even acted like a human, which was unlike him.

If he had his way, he would have just locked Myeong Jiwoon up at home. He wanted to tie him down, acting unreasonably, saying, You’re all I have now, don’t you feel sorry for me, killing the remaining time while you’re off at your goddamn school?

He used to be fine even without Jiwoon, but from some point on, that was no longer possible. He’d say, My mind is so occupied with thoughts of you that I can’t get a handle on anything else. It’s not you who’d try to kill yourself without me anymore, but me who can’t bear the pain of suddenly disappearing without you.

But Zeo didn’t do that. He always waited for Jiwoon as if nothing was wrong. Quietly, when he returned, he would greet him with the same face as always. And he hoped that he would want him not because he was lonely, nor because his life was painful, but simply for the being that he was.

The bastard in front of him didn’t know how much effort went into accomplishing all of this. And yet, he fucking stirred people up. He hated his pathetic self for saying “okay” to Myeong Jiwoon, who was asking him to help such a bastard. For this small, fragile thing that didn’t even know what he was giving up to be here.

“Keep talking.”

Zeo ground his teeth. He had no intention of stopping. He couldn’t back down even if Myeong Jiwoon cried and begged. Myeong Jiwoon was his. From head to toe, he had fed and clothed him to get him here. He couldn’t dare describe in words how precious he was.

He was pushing Hanbyeol to realize, as if demanding he admit it, but during that time, the one who had realized and become aware of more things was clearly Lee Zeo. Zeo could now understand his own body, which was gradually becoming more human-like. He wanted to become human. Because just as Hanbyeol had said, a being like him was originally not supposed to be by Myeong Jiwoon’s side forever.

“You can’t say it, can you? You didn’t say it in the end. Humans like you are like that. I know, you call that being good. But for once, spit it out. Acknowledge yourself for who you are.”

“…”

“You’re planning to kill your father, aren’t you.”

“…”

“Fuck, that smell is so damn fragrant. That’s why that dog-like bastard is clinging to your side with clenched teeth and won’t let go, why? Because you’re the kind of bastard who would do it!”

Zeo shouted and let go of Hanbyeol’s collar, which he had been gripping tightly, as if throwing him away. At that, Hanbyeol, whose body had gone limp, stumbled. Jiwoon was startled and tried to catch him, but Zeo stopped him.

Hanbyeol couldn’t meet Zeo’s or even Jiwoon’s eyes. There was no way Zeo wouldn’t notice that subtle change. Hit where it hurt, Hanbyeol clenched his fists tightly. Everything Zeo said was true. If he had the chance, he was prepared to kill his father at any time.

Because of his father, his mother had fallen ill, and his younger sister had lost the ordinary childhood that everyone else has. The same was true for him. It wasn’t just once or twice that the madman-like man would suddenly appear like a ghost, turn the house into a mess, and leave.

Even if the demon were to disappear from his side one day, his hatred for his father would forever follow Hanbyeol like a shadow. The demon, as if knowing that well, persistently said it. To just kill his father and be at ease, that if he helped, there would be no such thing as going to prison and rotting for the rest of his life. He whispered that he could protect that precarious peace a little more comfortably now.

He said there would be no such thing as his older brother suddenly going to prison, his sick mother dying from the shock, and his younger sister being left all alone. In truth, if only that part were resolved, Hanbyeol could go find his father and kill him right away. The demon persistently dug into that part, as if knowing it well.

He was doing his best to ignore the demon, but if his father appeared before him in the meantime, he no longer knew what choice he himself would make then. The funny thing was, if he did make such a choice, and if it really turned out just as the demon said, he was the kind of person who wouldn’t regret it even if he died, fell into hell, and ended up on his dinner table.

“Listen up.”

“…”

“Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s gone. You guys aren’t three-year-old kids, so don’t think you can just shove your heads in a corner and others won’t see you.”

Zeo pointed at Jiwoon and Hanbyeol in turn and shouted. Stupid and incompetent things, this is what humans are, so why am I so desperate to become one? In the end, there was only one answer. He wanted to become such a stupid being.

“You want to be inseparable best friends? That’s why I’m telling you to mind your own business.”

Zeo was on the verge of fainting. He had used up all his remaining energy on nagging, and his vision was swimming. He staggered and turned his back on Hanbyeol and Jiwoon, entering the building entrance. At that moment, Jiwoon quickly came over to support Zeo and said.

“A-are you okay?”

At that question, Zeo burst out in a dry laugh. Then he weakly pushed Jiwoon away and said.

“You should be asking him that, not me.”

But Hanbyeol, who heard that answer, refused flatly.

“No, it’s fine.”

Jiwoon stood there, not knowing what to do, looking back and forth between Hanbyeol and Zeo. At this, Hanbyeol stepped back as if for show and said.

“Take care of the sick person first.”

“Bullshit… you’re not in pain? Who’s worried about whom.”

Zeo climbed one step at a time, holding onto the stair railing. Jiwoon couldn’t move rashly even at that moment. Then, Hanbyeol suddenly came over quickly, pulled Zeo’s arm, and slung it over his own shoulder.

“Hey, let go, will you?”

At Hanbyeol’s action, Zeo, from where he found such strength, pushed him away and scowled. Jiwoon, thinking this was his chance, grabbed Zeo’s hand that was on the railing.

“Fuck, don’t cling to me…”

“What should I do?”

“…”

“I’m not asking you to do anything. I’ll do it.”

“…”

“Just tell me.”

At Hanbyeol’s earnest gaze, Zeo couldn’t push him away any further and sighed. It was because the force from Jiwoon, who was holding his other hand as if to ask him to do so, was desperate. Another reason was because of something still remaining inside him.

“…I should just quit being a goddamn angel or something.”

So, there was no clear answer as to whether he would help or not. Zeo, who had barely climbed the stairs with Hanbyeol and Jiwoon’s help, lay down on the bed again and closed his eyes, waving his hand frantically as if shooing away a bug.

Limp like a waterlogged cotton ball, he had no energy to speak and quickly fell asleep as if he had fainted. Hanbyeol left Jiwoon’s place, leaving only the words that he would be in touch.

Jiwoon sat keeping watch by Zeo’s side. Even though he said that, Zeo seemed willing to help Hanbyeol. If that weren’t the case, he wouldn’t have bothered to keep Hanbyeol there and talk about this and that. His last words, spat out self-deprecatingly, especially suggested so. In the end, it was also proof that Lee Zeo was an angel.

If there was one thing that was puzzling, it was Zeo’s condition. Jiwoon, too, did not understand the strange phenomenon that had occurred to Zeo. An angel suffering from pain—he was the one who had repeatedly said that his physical body had no meaning. Of course, Jiwoon could not perfectly understand the existence of an angel.

It was natural. As a human, it was a part he could not possibly know all of, what Lee Zeo, an angel, could and could not do. If there was one thing he wished for, it was that he wouldn’t be in pain. And he hoped that that pain would not, by any means, lead in a bad direction.

*

Zeo opened his eyes only in the middle of the night. His blue eyes were extremely cloudy, like someone who had just barely escaped from a deep swamp. After slowly rolling his eyes, which were the color of faded jade that had been sanded down with coarse sandpaper, he raised his body at the sound of breathing coming from below the bed he was lying on. At that, a damp towel fell onto his thigh with a plop.

Zeo lifted the wet towel and let out a dry laugh. It seemed he had had a fever the whole time he was lying down. Since it wasn’t that he had caught some disease, nothing would have changed even if he had briefly cooled the inexplicable high fever with a wet towel. It was a truly meaningless act, but at the same time, it wasn’t.

Jiwoon, fast asleep on the bare floor, was lying on his side, curled up tightly. After sitting by the side of Zeo, who had been as still as death, and watching over him for a long time, he had sat on the floor leaning his back against the bed, and at some point, unable to fight off the encroaching sleep, had lain down just like that. Zeo stared at Jiwoon blankly.

Since he had taken up the entire narrow bed, there would have been nothing else he could do. Given Jiwoon’s personality, he wouldn’t have been able to wake him up, and it was obvious he wouldn’t have even thought of it. Zeo let out a small sigh. He didn’t need to lie in a bed. It was a being that would have been fine even if left anywhere.

It was the same when he had lost consciousness on the rooftop. It wasn’t something to be panic-stricken about and ask someone for help. If he had just been left alone, he would have woken up on his own and returned to Jiwoon’s side. A concrete floor or a bed was all the same to him. The idea of laying him on a comfortable bed because he looked sick, and putting a cold towel on him because he had a fever, was something one would do when the other party was a living creature like a human.