Vol 6 Bonus track 7

The rain, once misty and scattered, was now coming down hard. The pouring rain trailed down his face.

 

F*ck. What am I even doing?

 

Ever since that day when Peter chose his brother over him and went home, Philip had felt uneasy.

 

‘…I’m sorry.’

 

He didn’t like Peter’s decision to leave him and go to his brother, even though he’d considered pushing Peter against the wall right in front of that jerk Aaron and showing everyone they were together. He knew from experience that acting impulsively could lead to disastrous results.

 

But.

 

‘I’ll contact you later.’

 

Peter had left that day with those words, yet never followed up. Philip had stayed up all night with his phone in hand, waiting. Not even a simple text confirming he’d arrived home safely.

 

[Did you get home okay?]

[I was too emotional earlier. I’m sorry.]  

[You forgot your assignment.]

 

He attached a photo of Peter’s notebook, but still got no response. Calls went unanswered, as if his phone was off.

 

The next day, and the day after, were the same. Peter’s phone remained off, with no reply.

 

Philip even tried calling the house phone, wondering if there was something wrong with his own phone, but that was when he finally realized:

 

The ‘later’ in ‘I’ll contact you later’ might be a ‘later’ that would never come.

 

At first, he couldn’t comprehend it. End contact over something like that? Why? It wasn’t as if he’d broken his brother’s bones. In fact, given that they’d trespassed on private property without permission, he could’ve legally fired a gun at them. F*ck, maybe he should have fired.

 

He decided to wait until after the weekend. Once they met at school, they could talk about it in person.

 

But Peter didn’t come to school. Not the next day or the day after that. Holding his silent phone, he stayed awake through almost every night.

 

Did I do something so wrong?

 

What started as confusion eventually turned to anger. He was furious at the overprotectiveness towards his younger brother, a guy a whole head taller than him. Besides, they weren’t even related by blood… hell, even if they were, what difference would it make?

 

To shake off the rising frustration, he moved his body from morning to night. Exercising so intensely it could only be called self-punishment, he finally collapsed into bed.

 

Could it be… something else?

 

It wasn’t uncommon for someone to go quiet after a single night together; he’d done it often himself. But all he did that day was kiss and rub up against him. There was no opportunity for dissatisfaction on Peter’s part. Besides, that day, Peter…

 

‘Uh… hick…’

 

The face he made as he whimpered helplessly each time he was touched came to mind. His flushed cheeks, the corners of his eyes, his slightly parted lips. Even as he trembled with fear, his hands had clung to him tightly…

 

Damn it.

 

He undid his pants and took himself in hand. Remembering Peter lying beneath him, groaning, aroused a fury close to frustration. If he’d known it would come to this, he’d have just taken him, whether he cried or not. He would’ve pressed in until he couldn’t step off the bed, filling that slender body, spilling everything…

 

Each day, he thought of the boy as he brought himself to release. He’d check his phone for messages upon waking and falling asleep. Yet, out of all the messages from people making idle conversation, Peter’s name was never there.

 

Peter hadn’t shown up at school until today, the day break officially started. That evening, he finally went to Peter’s house. Perched in a tree, he threw stones at the window, wondering why he was going through all this trouble. Even when he eventually opened the window and entered the room, he was so frustrated he couldn’t even laugh.

 

But the moment Peter entered his room, fresh out of the shower and wearing pajamas—

 

He nearly burst out laughing at how startled he looked.

 

Damn it, he’d missed him. After all these days, he just wanted to see him. He didn’t care about his pride; he just wanted to pull him close and kiss him. That was all.

 

Yet seeing him didn’t untangle things. The situation only grew more complicated.

 

‘Is something wrong?’

 

Peter couldn’t meet his gaze, let alone answer properly.

 

‘I’m fine. Just a little cold.’

 

The boy wasn’t any good at lying. He didn’t even know how to make polite small talk.

 

A ‘little cold.’

 

Anyone who wasn’t a fool could tell Peter was lying.

 

‘Is that all you have to say?’

 

He swallowed his pride and stifled his anger, forcing himself to ask. A question that was practically a plea. If he was upset over the fight with his brother, he’d go apologize right now…

 

‘…I’ll give this back to you.’

 

When Peter took the jacket from the closet and held it out, he felt as though he’d been splashed with filth. It felt awful. A wave of shame burned through him, his vision going white with anger.

 

‘Philip. People’s feelings aren’t things you can control or manipulate as you wish. Respecting and waiting for someone’s feelings is how you build a real connection.’

 

He wanted to track down that self-righteous psychiatrist and slap his smug face. He had respected Peter’s feelings and waited, hadn’t he? And this is what he got in return. Damn it. What more did he have to do? What more—

 

“…!”

 

He was spun around by a force pulling on him from behind. It was Peter, gasping for breath as if he’d run from somewhere.

 

Between wheezing breaths, Peter managed a single word.

 

“What?”

 

“…You went out of your way to walk here with my assignment…”

 

Peter was holding an umbrella, though he clearly hadn’t thought to use it—his hair and clothes were soaked through.

 

Annoyance surged. The whole situation frustrated him, and Peter’s inexplicable actions only made it worse. Most of all, he was infuriated by his own reaction, his concern that Peter would catch a cold from the rain.

 

“…Why did you do it?”

 

Once he caught his breath, Peter finally managed a full sentence. His wide eyes met his own. He felt humiliated. That was all. Knowing he was at the mercy of someone else’s feelings was anything but pleasant.

 

What was this? What the hell was he feeling…?

 

“Why did I do it?”

 

There was a desperate yearning in Peter’s gaze as he waited for a reply. A cruel desire flared. He wanted to twist Peter’s wrist so he couldn’t move and make him listen.

 

“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” 

 

Someone like you…

 

“Just wanted to sleep with you.”

 

“…”

 

Peter’s face went pale. The rain poured down, streaking his cheeks like tears. In the rain, Peter just stood there, looking up at him, then held out the umbrella.

 

“…Use this. You’ll catch a cold if you don’t.”

 

“…”

 

Having handed over the umbrella, Peter turned and began to run back the way he came.

 

“Goddammit.”

 

Philip threw down the umbrella and ran after him. Before long, he caught Peter.

 

“Wait.”

 

Philip grabbed Peter’s wrist and turned him around.

 

“…!”

 

Tears were falling from Peter’s wide, surprised eyes. The sight of them, flowing without even a chance to pool, made him feel all the more disgusted.

 

“Just now…”

 

Before he could say anything more, the sound of a car interrupted. A white station wagon approached from afar. When the garage door opened and his family started piling out, an anxious look crossed Peter’s face. Philip pulled him by the wrist to stand by the flower bed.

 

“Is Peter still asleep?”

 

“Should I wake him?”

 

Peter flinched at the question. Philip didn’t release his grip on Peter’s wrist.

 

“Leave him be, Logan.”

 

“He seemed out of it these past few days.”

 

“Do you know anything, Aaron?”

 

“I… don’t.”

 

Philip glanced down at Peter, who was trapped there, holding back tears. He saw the raindrops on his wet cheek. He almost wiped them away, but instead, he took off his own shirt and pressed it over Peter’s head.

 

“…It’s fine.”

 

Philip didn’t say a word as he held the shirt over him. Until the murmuring voices disappeared inside, he sheltered him from the rain with his shirt.

 

Once the door closed, Peter took the shirt from his head.

 

“I’ll go now.”

“Let’s talk for a minute.”

“……”

Peter stubbornly shook his head with his lips pressed together. Philip muttered a curse. Peter looked up, startled.

“I wasn’t swearing at you, I just want to talk.”

“……”

Peter didn’t respond. Philip bit his lower lip, holding back his rising anger. Just standing there, watching Peter cry, made him feel like his insides were burning up.

Contrary to the concerns of his therapist and parents, relationships were surprisingly easy. It was just a matter of balancing input and output based on a cost-benefit analysis. But with Peter, that didn’t work. It hadn’t worked from the start. He didn’t know what Peter wanted, nor could he understand what he himself wanted.

“Let’s go somewhere. It’ll only take a minute.”

“…Just do it here.”

Though he didn’t look it, Peter was incredibly stubborn. Philip sighed. At that moment, it started raining even harder than before. Philip pulled Peter close, almost hugging him to shield him, but he couldn’t stop the rain from soaking them. Though Philip was getting drenched too, he didn’t budge.

“..Over there.”

“Huh?”

“If you go that way, it’ll work.”

When he turned in the direction Peter was pointing, he saw a small shed next to the house. Philip didn’t hesitate and led Peter into the shed.

As Philip fumbled along the wall to turn on the light, Peter stopped him, saying, “If you turn on the light, they’ll see from the house… Just, come over here.”

Peter opened a door leading to the basement. With the basement light on, they went down the stairs.

It was clearly a hideout for siblings, with an old sofa, table, board games, and comics scattered everywhere. Peter found a towel and handed it to him. Philip took it and began drying Peter’s hair.

“I’ll do it.”

Peter held up the towel he’d brought for himself, but Philip ignored him.

“Thank you.”

Peter lowered his gaze and thanked him. Only after the towel became heavy with water did Philip lower his hands. An awkward silence hung between them. The sound of rain pouring down outside filled the dark space.