Vol 5 Ch 16

It was a particularly pleasant day. It was the kind of day when the sky was clear when you looked up unexpectedly, a favorite song played on the radio the moment you got in the car, or you didn’t hit a single red light on the road. Arriving much earlier than his appointment time due to the lack of traffic, Inseop parked his car in a quiet spot and sent a message to Lee Wooyeon.

[I’ve arrived at the hospital. Did you board the plane?]

The phone rang immediately. Inseop quickly answered.

“Hello?”

<…>

“Hello? This is Choi Inseop.”

Hearing nothing from the other end, Inseop checked his screen and spoke again.

<I’m listening, Choi Inseop.>

A low voice touched his ear. Even though he knew who it was, Inseop’s face flushed, and he brushed his cheek with the back of his hand.

“You weren’t saying anything, so I thought you couldn’t hear me.”

<I was pondering.>

“What were you pondering about?”

<When I should get angry.>

There was a hint of mischievous laughter in the voice. Inseop apologized softly.

Today was the day of Inseop’s regular checkup. Wooyeon had to go to Hong Kong for a film festival. Wooyeon, who usually accompanied Inseop to the hospital, had been ready to cancel his plans. Inseop had shaken his head.

‘I can go alone.’

‘Who said otherwise? Of course, you can go alone.’

‘…I’ll go alone.’

The doctor in charge of Inseop had so many patients that booking a new appointment would mean waiting a year. Changing the appointment was nearly impossible.

‘Didn’t you promise to listen to me when you’re not well?’

‘I’m not sick; it’s just a routine checkup.’

‘…….’

Wooyeon had stopped eating and was staring at Inseop, a sign of his displeasure.

‘It’s nothing serious. It’ll be over soon, you know that.’

‘I don’t know.’

Wooyeon responded while eating with a blank expression. Inseop didn’t like it when Wooyeon got angry. It made him uncomfortable and scared. But he couldn’t let this continue. Not long ago, he found out that Wooyeon had missed a shoot because of Inseop’s cold.

‘It’s an important event.’

Wooyeon had stifled a laugh and wiped his mouth with a napkin.

‘Important to you, maybe.’

Wooyeon had stood up. Inseop had followed, clearing the dishes, but Wooyeon remained silent. After showering, Wooyeon had started reading in bed.

‘…Are you mad?’

With great courage, Inseop had finally asked. Wooyeon had replied without hesitation, ‘Yes.’

‘Please don’t be mad. It’s just a routine checkup, nothing serious…’

Inseop hadn’t been able to finish his sentence because Wooyeon had grabbed his arm, pulled him onto the bed, and kissed him.

Two days later, Wooyeon had packed his suitcase without saying much. But Inseop knew his mood hadn’t improved.

<I was going to get angry, but hearing your voice, I can’t even do that.>

“…Please don’t be angry.”

<Stubborn for no reason.>

Wooyeon had muttered as if lamenting.

“I’ll let you know the results right after the test. Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.”

Inseop had spoken maturely and firmly. In truth, there was no need for such frequent checkups, but due to Wooyeon’s insistence, Inseop had been visiting the hospital every two months.

<Of course it should be good. I’m going alone because you stood me up.>

Wooyeon answered with a mischievous tone. Inseop always felt like laughing whenever Wooyeon acted like a sulky child.

“Have a good trip.”

<Alright. I’ll call you again later.>

The call ended. As Inseop got out of the car, the unusually bright sky made him squint. A message arrived.

[I’ve boarded the plane.]

He remembered Wooyeon saying this morning, as he was leaving the house, that he was scared of flying since it had been a while. Knowing it was a ridiculous statement, Inseop still felt a bit worried. In fact, before coming to the hospital, he had even looked up the probability of a plane crash.

[Don’t worry! The flight isn’t that long, so you’ll land soon.]

A reply arrived shortly after.

[Then I’ll endure the fear ^^]

Reading the playful message, Inseop recalled Wooyeon’s expressionless face as he kissed him at the door, biting his lower lip longer than usual. Just thinking about him made Inseop’s heart flutter. He smiled softly as he continued walking.

“Yes?”

“Your CRP levels are high. The inflammation markers.”

Inseop blinked his large eyes in surprise. Due to his regular doctor’s sudden seminar, a different doctor was seeing him today. This young male doctor, whom he was meeting for the first time, continued quickly.

“Haven’t you been taking care of your health? Most of your numbers are bad. Your blood pressure, too.”

“Uh… my blood pressure was normal when I measured it at home.”

Inseop measured his blood pressure every morning. Wooyeon, having heard about the significant correlation between heart disease and blood pressure, had brought a blood pressure monitor home.

“It’s different from measuring it at home. I’m talking about proper hospital measurements. You don’t exercise, do you?”

“…I do sometimes.”

Though not vigorous exercise, he occasionally took walks with Wooyeon.

“What about your diet? You know you can’t just eat whatever you want, right?”

“Yes, I know.”

“Knowing doesn’t help much.”

The doctor irritably flipped through the chart, muttering to himself. Inseop, feeling like a criminal, clutched his clothes nervously.

“With inflammation levels this high, it’s clear you haven’t been taking care of yourself at all. And your cholesterol levels too.”

“When I came last time, the doctor said everything was normal….”

“Maybe it was back then.”

His lifestyle hadn’t changed in the meantime.

“How bad are the levels?”

The doctor smirked at Inseop’s question.

“Do you understand if I tell you? If a doctor says something, it’s true. Patients look things up on the internet and think they know everything, but you can’t trust the internet. If you do, why come to the hospital?”

“…I’m sorry.”

At the doctor’s curt rebuke, Inseop quickly apologized.

“We’ll retest and decide if you need to be hospitalized based on the results.”

“Hospitalized?”

Inseop asked, startled.

“With numbers like these, it wouldn’t be surprising if you dropped dead any minute. You know your own condition, don’t you?”

“…Yes, I understand.”

Inseop answered weakly and stood up. Even after leaving the examination room, he sat in a daze for a long time before asking a nurse where he should go for the retest.

“You can’t do it today. You need to schedule another appointment. Shall I schedule it for you?”

The nurse asked kindly with a smile.

“…No.”

“Pardon?”

“I’m sorry. I’ll make another appointment later.”

Inseop said goodbye and walked down the hallway. Even after getting into his parked car, he sat there for a long time. By the time he drove home, the sun had already set.

Where did it all go wrong?

Inseop lay under the sheets, pondering. Was he being punished for stubbornly insisting on going to the hospital alone? For being overconfident in his unhealthy state, thinking he was fine… He had been told that with proper care, he could live as long as any ordinary person.

What should he do? Should he undergo surgery? …What if surgery didn’t help? His hands, clutching the sheet, trembled violently.

He was terrified. It felt like his peaceful life had been turned upside down overnight. Most of all…

‘Inseop.’

The voice of the man who used to call his name in the dark echoed in his mind. Tears he had barely held back now flowed freely.

He knew Wooyeon had an almost obsessive concern about his health. Even a mild cold was never ignored. Wooyeon insisted on every possible test and only felt reassured when confirmed he was alright. These routines weren’t bothersome or annoying to Inseop. He only felt sorry. If he had been healthier, Wooyeon wouldn’t have had such anxieties.

Inseop tried to ease Wooyeon’s worries, even if just a little. They exercised together, and he underwent every test Wooyeon wanted. He read books on psychology and anxiety and attended counseling sessions.

He wanted Wooyeon to believe he was fine, to truly trust that he was alright. He had encouraged Wooyeon to go to Hong Kong for the same reason. He wanted him to accept that this was all just part of a normal life, nothing more.

Don’t worry, I’m healthy. It wasn’t a lie to fake it; he genuinely felt alright.

But…

He covered his swollen eyes with the back of his hand. Wooyeon couldn’t sleep when he was sick.

Once, Inseop had the flu and was bedridden for days. Despite hospital visits and IV treatments, his condition didn’t improve. To make matters worse, he developed laryngitis, and his fever soared to 40 degrees. His throat hurt so much he couldn’t speak properly. Eventually, he coughed up blood in the middle of the night. His swollen throat had ruptured.

‘Inseop, what’s happening? I’ll call 911, just hold on…’

Inseop wanted to explain that it was just due to the fever and swelling, but he couldn’t speak, so he couldn’t reassure him. That night, he was hospitalized. Fortunately, his fever subsided, and he was discharged two days later, but Inseop felt terrible.

He couldn’t forget the look on Wooyeon’s face, staring at the blood dripping from his fingers.

…That face, pale and terrified like a scared child.

He knew Wooyeon sometimes woke up and listened to his heartbeat against his chest. Only after a while did he sigh softly and close his eyes. Sometimes, Inseop heard him call his name in his sleep.

‘Inseop…’

Sometimes he would respond, sometimes he’d just open his eyes and then close them again. He always tried to answer him, sometimes reaching out to hug him around the neck. Each time, the man who came into his arms so willingly felt so endearing and precious.

What should he do? …How should he tell him…

He had always been aware of the possibility of dying anytime since childhood. Knowing death was close didn’t mean he wasn’t afraid. Perhaps he was more scared because of it. Most people lived their lives as if they’d live forever.

But this fear felt different now.

‘Inseop.’

The memory of the man calling his name and smiling like a boy resurfaced. His heart ached as if pierced by sharp glass. He had promised Wooyeon they’d live a long, healthy life together, sworn they’d be together forever.

And now, this result…

If he were a fairy tale character, he’d have ended up with a “happily ever after” conclusion. He didn’t expect a fairy-tale ending but just an ordinary life, like everyone else…

Inseop covered his face with his hands and cried uncontrollably. No matter how much he cried, the tears wouldn’t stop.

Hadn’t he suffered enough as a child? Why me… no, not just me, but still. …It would have been fine if it was just an ordinary level of suffering.

Just then, his phone rang. Inseop held his breath under the sheets. It was Wooyeon.

What should he do? If he answered now, what could he say… He would surely know he had been crying. Should he pretend he was asleep and call back tomorrow?

As Inseop hesitated, the ringing stopped. Relief was short-lived as the phone started ringing again. He wiped his tears and sat up. Knowing Wooyeon, he wouldn’t stop calling until Inseop answered.

Inseop cleared his throat one last time.

“Hello?”

<What were you doing that you didn’t answer?>

“I’m sorry. I was just feeding John.”

Inseop silently apologized to John, who had been lying quietly beside him.

<Did you eat?>

Inseop quickly checked the time. It was well past 8 PM. He hadn’t eaten or even had a sip of water since coming back from the hospital, but he mumbled, “Yes,” in reply.

<What did you eat?>

“Just a sandwich.”

Inseop answered, deciding he’d actually eat the sandwich in the fridge after the call.

<Just that and nothing else?>

“…Yes.”

A sigh came from the other end of the line. Inseop was suddenly scared.

Wooyeon had called right after he left the hospital, asking about the results. Inseop had impulsively said everything was fine.

They had promised never to lie about health matters. It was a rule between them. He had broken that promise for the first time.

Saying he felt unwell, had a fever, felt like he had a cold, or was tired was one thing.

But to say that his current condition meant he could die anytime…

He couldn’t bring himself to say it. Admitting it out loud would make it real.

His fingers gripping the phone grew cold.

…What should he do? How could he possibly tell Wooyeon… What if he got disappointed? What if he got angry? Most of all, what if he got hurt…

He remembered Wooyeon clinging to him, crying and begging him not to go, not to die.

<Do you feel sick?>

His gentle question hit Inseop’s heart. The lump in his throat made his whole neck burn.

“…Yes.”

<Are you feeling really unwell? Should I come back to Korea right now?>

“No, it’s not that bad. I just feel a bit off. Maybe because I woke up early.”

Wooyeon clicked his tongue softly.

<That’s why I told you to come with me.>

“You’re right.”

When Inseop agreed with a small laugh, Wooyeon murmured, somewhat surprised.

<That’s unusual. The stubborn Inseop agreeing like this.>

“I just miss you.”

After saying that, Inseop found himself missing Wooyeon even more. He heard a curse from the other end of the line.

<Do you want me to come or not?>

The film festival was the next evening. Wooyeon was scheduled to return on a flight the morning after tomorrow.

“Please don’t come.”

When Inseop said this cautiously, Wooyeon burst into laughter.

<Aha ha ha.>

Listening to Wooyeon laugh so heartily, Inseop felt a bit better than before.

<Ah, I miss you.>

Inseop gripped the phone tightly at this sincere, offhand remark.

<…Why do I keep falling more for you?>

The man’s unfiltered emotions hit him directly. His heart ached with overwhelming feelings.

“…Me too.”

Wooyeon chuckled softly.

<You said you hated me last time and bit me.>

“That, that was because I was drunk.”

<A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts, right?>

“No, no. It’s not like that at all. I was just….”

When Inseop started to stammer, flustered, Wooyeon laughed again. Inseop, face turning bright red, lowered his head and apologized in a small, embarrassed voice.