Vol 5 Ch 6

‘You can say bad things to me. I’m usually good at crying anyway. It’s okay to cry a little, I just… I want to be okay.’

 

F**k being okay.

 

Wooyeon put a cigarette in his mouth and took out a lighter. He flicked the wheel a few times but couldn’t get the flame to catch. He threw away the cigarette and leaned against the steering wheel.

 

After that, he left Inseop’s house and went back to the hotel. He took a shower and checked his phone. There was a message from Inseop.

 

<Have you eaten? Even if you’re tired, make sure to take care of yourself.>

 

As he checked the message, a sense of self-loathing washed over him. He thought about calling Inseop but ended up sending a message instead.

 

<Don’t push yourself too hard, Inseop.>

 

He thought about adding an apology but decided against it. Apologizing too much wasn’t his style.

 

Wooyeon gritted his teeth against the curses.

 

That night, he briefly talked with Inseop over the phone. Inseop didn’t bring up anything related to the funeral. The next day, and the day after that, Wooyeon didn’t visit Inseop. He made excuses about having things to take care of in the US. Of course, there was nothing to take care of.

 

It had been three days since he last saw Inseop’s face.

 

“Sleep well…”

 

Inseop asked cautiously during their call yesterday. He knew about Wooyeon’s insomnia.

 

“Why? Can’t I sleep without Inseop?”

 

“No, it’s not like that. I’m just worried…”

 

“Until when will it be over?”

 

“It might take a few more days,” he replied. Inseop responded with a somewhat resigned voice, “Okay.”

 

Wooyeon ended the call. He emptied the bottle of liquor next to him but still couldn’t sleep. He stopped taking the medication because it wasn’t effective.

 

“I’ve never seen a patient who doesn’t respond to medication like this. It’s a rare case. We’ll prescribe a different medication next time…”

 

The doctor’s expression flashed in his mind. It was as if he was saying, “Taking it won’t make a difference.” He decided not to take any more medication during the next consultation.

 

Maybe I should have just taken it. It might have made me feel a little better than now.

 

As he lay down to shower and sleep, a thought occurred to him.

 

It wasn’t just Inseop who had become entangled in his life. Without Inseop, he had become a worthless fool who couldn’t even sleep. Sometimes he joked to Inseop that he would just die if he left him, but there was no other way. Without Inseop, he couldn’t sleep properly. No, even if he could sleep, was there any need to live without him?

 

He snapped out of his unnecessary thoughts and realized he was driving. Wooyeon took out another cigarette and lit it. As he took a long drag, he looked at Inseop’s house. More precisely, at Inseop’s room window where the light was on.

 

“Marriage might seem like a happy ending. But it’s not. It’s just the beginning.”

 

CEO Kim’s words weren’t entirely wrong. He knew he couldn’t be happy. But he couldn’t help feeling like he had ruined everything before even starting.

 

The ring on his left ring finger was visible. Inseop had proposed and promised marriage, but it hadn’t led to concrete results. After coming to Korea, he was overwhelmed with work and busy with his studies.

 

Still, he wasn’t worried. In any case, Inseop would marry him, and there was no need for another stamp of approval. He was just worried about Inseop, who got hurt every time. The image of Inseop’s pale face when he realized how much of a trashy person his lover was couldn’t be easily erased from his mind.

 

This time, even if Inseop lost affection for him, he felt he could understand it. …But even so, he would never let go.

 

“Haa.”

 

Wooyeon took a deep breath. He absentmindedly fiddled with the ring as a habit.

 

“Um, Wooyeon.”

 

He recalled Inseop’s cautious voice calling him.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Can you tell me your finger size?”

 

“After sucking on it so much, you still can’t guess the size? You stopped stalking me but now you’re so indifferent to me?”

 

Inseop’s face turned red at the teasing remark.

 

“Sorry. It’s not that I’m not interested, it’s just… um, I don’t know the exact size…”

 

As he made excuses and apologized, Wooyeon gritted his teeth in frustration.

 

“Why do you need to know the exact size? Figure it out yourself.”

 

“Oh, it’s for the ring.”

 

“What ring?”

 

“I want to buy another one for you. This time, I’ll measure the size properly and get a good one.”

 

“Hmm, I don’t want to.”

 

Inseop’s face showed confusion at Wooyeon’s response.

 

“Oh, well… if I upset you…”

 

Wooyeon interrupted Inseop’s apology by kissing him on the lips. The muffled apology became mushy inside his mouth. It felt damn good. After sucking for a while, he replied.

 

“I like this. You don’t need to buy another one.”

 

“But…”

 

“Open your mouth.”

 

Holding onto the apologetic Inseop, Wooyeon kissed him for a while. Since then, whenever there was an opportunity, Inseop tried to find out Wooyeon’s finger size. Sometimes he secretly woke up at night to measure the circumference of his fingers, and once he fell back because Wooyeon suddenly opened his eyes, and he even tried to gauge the size by casually touching Wooyeon’s fingers while reading a book.

 

He even went as far as comparing their finger sizes side by side.

 

Every time, Wooyeon would tease Inseop, asking if he was so curious about the size, and would playfully stick his fingers into all sorts of holes on Inseop’s body. Eventually, Inseop still hadn’t succeeded in giving him a new ring.

 

Wooyeon fidgeted with the silver ring he received in Hawaii. It was a cheap ring sold in souvenir shops. The design was rough and even tacky, something he wouldn’t have worn for a lifetime if Inseop hadn’t given it to him.

 

Presenting this kind of thing as a proposal ring? He couldn’t help but laugh. Nobody would believe it, but he genuinely, sincerely liked this ring. Whenever he looked at it, Inseop naturally came to mind. The image of him sweating profusely as he hurriedly chose it in the souvenir shop, trying not to be noticed. The sight of him nervously putting the ring in his pocket and constantly glancing around during the meal, and the embarrassment when the ring didn’t fit.

 

What kind of feelings did he have when he presented this?

 

It was a mentality he couldn’t understand, valuing objects like this. After all, objects were replaceable elements.

 

“…”

 

Wooyeon stroked the ring with slight scratches on it that he had never taken off since receiving it.

 

The phone rang. It was Inseop. Wooyeon extinguished his cigarette and answered the call.

 

“Yeah, Inseop.”

 

<Ah. Hello.>

 

Hearing Inseop’s voice from the other end of the phone, Wooyeon felt a slight relief from the headache that had been gripping his head.

 

“What were you doing?”

 

Wooyeon asked cheekily, as if he were the one who made the call.

 

<I was just about to sleep. I called because I was thinking of you, Wooyeon.>

 

“Oh, really? I was thinking of you too, Inseop.”

 

Wooyeon chuckled at his own playful remark, causing Inseop to chuckle softly in response.

 

A piercing pain spread through his heart, as if it had been stabbed.

 

<What were you doing, Wooyeon?>

 

“I just took a shower and came out. Now I’m about to sleep.”

 

It wasn’t a complete lie. He had indeed showered and lay down to sleep, only to wake up and find himself driving to Inseop’s house.

 

“What did you do today, Inseop?”

 

<I went to my grandmother’s house with my siblings. There are still things to tidy up.>

 

“Again? You’re always on the move, aren’t you?”

 

Inseop hesitated to respond to the teasing remark.

 

“I told you not to cry when I’m not around. Did you really not listen?”

 

<I’m sorry. …I cried a little.>

 

He was always emotional, with plenty of tears and emotions. It would take more time to sort through his feelings. Maybe Aaron was right. Inseop needed time with his family for a while.

 

Wooyeon couldn’t fully comfort Inseop’s sadness and loneliness.

 

That wasn’t something he could mimic so easily.

 

“Do you feel good seeing your family?”

 

Inseop replied honestly, “Yes,” to Wooyeon’s question.

 

“Do you want to move back to the U.S.?”

 

Inseop replied with a puzzled “What?” to Wooyeon’s sudden question.

 

“I think it would be okay to stay here. As long as Inseop is okay with it.”

 

<No, it’s not. The semester hasn’t ended yet, and you have work in Korea, too…>

 

Inseop responded with a sudden jump.

 

“Later. After you graduate, Inseop, and when I become an unpopular actor who can’t even sell well.”

 

<Why would you become an unpopular actor? Don’t say that. You won’t.>

 

He said with a firm tone. He must have looked firm, even though he was saying it with an uncertain face.

 

Damn, he’s such a pretty bastard.

 

Wooyeon couldn’t help but burst into laughter. Inseop seemed taken aback on the other end of the phone.

 

<Don’t tease me.>

 

A rough, muttered voice came through.

 

“Then why are you so cute?”

 

Wooyeon retorted sarcastically, leaning against the driver’s seat.

 

<Don’t be mean. Why do you keep teasing me?>

 

“You should’ve been prepared for dating a jerk like me. What’s the point now? You have to live with a jerk for the rest of your life.”

 

<I was prepared. So… I’ll do my best.>

 

At Inseop’s earnest response to his joke, Wooyeon paused for a moment, holding his breath. With his large palm, he slowly wiped his face.

 

What needed to be done wasn’t Inseop’s responsibility. Yet, every time, Inseop…

 

“Inseop.”

 

<Wooyeon.>

 

Both called out each other’s names simultaneously. Wooyeon gestured for Inseop to speak first.

 

<Um, so…>

 

Before Inseop could finish his sentence, a passing motorcycle roared loudly beside the car Wooyeon had parked.

 

<…>

 

An awkward silence followed. There was no way Inseop hadn’t heard that noise.

 

Damn it. What a pain.

 

Wooyeon swallowed his curse and got up.

 

<Where are you?>

 

“At the front of the house, on the road.”

 

Inseop’s window opened. Wooyeon got out of the car and walked over to the window. Inseop’s round head popped out of the window. It was the first time seeing his face in three days.

 

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

 

Inseop asked, putting down the phone. Wooyeon put his phone back in his pocket.

 

“It was just passing by after working. It was too late, so I didn’t bother.”

 

“But you should’ve said something.”

 

As soon as he saw Inseop in his pajamas, Wooyeon’s lower abdomen tightened.

 

If he could, he wanted to climb up the tree and strip off Inseop’s pajamas, clinging to him and devouring him all night long at the desk where Inseop wrote the letter thinking of him. It would be even better if Aaron heard strange noises and opened the door.

 

“Still, it’s nice to see your face like this.”

 

“I, I’m glad too.”

 

Inseop nodded vigorously in response. Wooyeon glanced at the sycamore tree. It was a height he could easily climb with just a few steps. Then he noticed Inseop’s thin body in pajamas, which seemed much thinner than a few days ago.

 

“Now you should sleep, Inseop.”

 

“Huh? You’re leaving now?”

 

Inseop asked, surprised by the sudden remark.

 

“It’s late, and I have things to do tomorrow.”

 

There was nothing to do tomorrow. Probably if he went back like this, he would stay up all night, masturbating while looking at Inseop’s picture.

 

“Uh…”

 

Inseop’s eyebrows drooped slightly.

 

Damn, even with that clueless expression, it feels like his dick was gonna rise. Sometimes he couldn’t believe how deeply he’d fallen for that guy.

 

“Goodnight.”

 

As Wooyeon bid farewell to Inseop, Inseop disappeared inside for a moment and then threw one of his sneakers out the window.

 

Shortly after, the other one followed.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

Wooyeon asked, looking up. Inseop gestured for silence, putting his finger to his lips. The lights in the living room on the first floor were still on.

 

“Are you seriously planning to jump?”

 

“I’m not jumping.” Inseop leaned out the window and stood on the railing.

 

“Just coming out through the window…”

 

Before Wooyeon could finish his sentence, Inseop effortlessly threw himself towards a sturdy tree branch. It was a familiar movement. Wooyeon squinted and watched his partner sitting on the tree.

 

“You’re quite skilled at that.”

 

“I sometimes met Jenny late at night too.”

 

He said it as if it were nothing, that he hung out late with an outsider girl. Wooyeon couldn’t express how frustrating it was.

 

“I’ll catch you. Come down.”

 

“No, I can get down by myself. Just those shoes… Oops.”

 

Inseop tried to point at the sneakers, but his balance was disrupted and he fell down. Wooyeon effortlessly caught him. Seeing Inseop stiffen, surprised, Wooyeon let out a pleased laughter while hugging him tightly.

 

“We often passed through here during football practice.”

 

“…You did?”

 

Inseop mumbled with a blank face. Wooyeon lightly kissed Inseop’s forehead and replied.

 

“It’s also a practice for catching balls.”

 

Inseop blushed at Wooyeon’s boyish smirk.

 

“…Please let me down.”

 

Wooyeon smiled and let Inseop down.

 

“Just a moment.”

 

Wooyeon picked up the fallen sneakers from the ground and handed them over.

 

“Wooyeon.”

 

As Wooyeon tied the loose shoelaces, he responded, “Yes?”

 

“I have something to tell you.”

 

Wooyeon looked up. Inseop seemed determined, his lips tightly pressed together. Without saying anything, Wooyeon tied the laces securely.

 

“Done?”

 

Wooyeon slowly got up. At eye level with Inseop, who had raised his head.

 

“Shall we go?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I have something to say.”

 

Wooyeon reached out his hand. Inseop hesitated, then took the hand extended before him. They got into the car parked nearby.

 

“Wooyeon, there…”

 

Wooyeon, leaning towards Inseop, closed the driver’s seat door.

 

Their hot lips met. Unable to properly inhale, Inseop clutched Wooyeon’s clothes as the kiss began, breathless.

 

“Ah… Hm.”

 

With every movement of the tongue, Inseop’s body trembled.

 

Wooyeon lifted Inseop’s back with firm arms, enclosing him underneath. Feeling the weight pressing down, Inseop struggled, his mouth agape.

 

As Wooyeon’s tongue invaded, sweeping past the lower lip, it delved deeper inside. Each movement brought Wooyeon’s heated body closer. The suppressed excitement coursed through the man’s restrained neck. Inseop’s slender body was pressed against the car seat, rubbing and friction ensued. It was more akin to intercourse than mere kissing.

 

“Ahh…”

 

Their lips parted, and after a while, Inseop opened his eyes. His spinning vision gradually brightened. He met the gaze of the man looking down at him with intense fervor.

 

“It’s nice to see you like this.”

 

The same words as before, but they sounded completely different. Wooyeon lightly kissed Inseop’s lips again and added.

 

“I really like it.”

 

“I… I like it too.”

 

Inseop replied softly. Perhaps due to the shortness of breath or the burning passion, his voice trembled a bit.

 

Wooyeon wrapped his arms tightly around Inseop’s waist, nestling him close and took a deep breath. It was his habit. Whenever he entered the hallway after leaving the house for filming, Wooyeon always hugged Inseop, buried his nose in his neck, and breathed deeply, as if finally feeling alive.

 

Inseop cautiously brushed Wooyeon’s head. Feeling the cool touch of his hair between his fingers, Inseop smiled quietly.

 

“How important is it that you’re leaning out the window in your pajamas to tell me?”

 

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize.” Inseop blushed, realizing how messy he must look. Not even considering dressing properly after Wooyeon had left.

 

“What is it?”

 

Wooyeon detached himself from Inseop and said. As proof of his intention to sleep, Inseop’s head sprawled out in his pajamas. He hesitated, then glanced down.

 

“Um, I mean, about Aaron when he…”

 

Wooyeon bit Inseop’s nose. Startled, Inseop covered his nose with his hands.

 

“If that’s what you want to talk about after leaning out the window, I’m going back.”

 

“I’m not talking about Aaron. I mean, what I’m trying to say is…”

 

Inseop urgently grasped Wooyeon’s clothes. Wooyeon looked down at Inseop’s fingers.

 

“If my brother was rude to you, I’ll apologize. It wasn’t like that. Aaron is young, but he sometimes acts aggressively, like a big brother trying to protect me because of my health, so, what I mean is…”

 

Wooyeon blocked Inseop’s lips with a kiss. Rough fingers rummaged through Inseop’s hair.

 

“I told you not to talk about that asshole.” The man’s words, spat out between his tongue and pressed lips, continued. Inseop tried to explain, but Wooyeon didn’t give him a chance. He relentlessly pushed and pushed, until finally, Inseop’s body slumped, and Wooyeon let go of his lips.

 

“…Hah… Hah…”

 

He could feel his chest heaving rapidly. Wooyeon silently looked down at Inseop’s reddened lips.

 

Even with this level of stimulation, Inseop didn’t know what to do. He responded to every touch, every suck, every stroke, even to the voice whispering in his ear.

 

So every time he was with Inseop, Wooyeon felt a perverse pleasure.

 

A cruel desire to dominate and defile this pale, innocent being surged within him. He wanted to strip him of his pajamas and have ruthless s*x right in front of the sleeping family he loved.

 

“…I’m sorry.”

 

Inseop apologized to Wooyeon. Wooyeon forgot what he was going to say.

 

“I’m sorry if you felt uncomfortable in that situation because of me…”

 

Sometimes Inseop’s kindness suffocated him. He felt so powerless, not knowing how to respond.

 

Wooyeon sighed and brushed his hair back.

 

“…Sorry?”

 

“Yes…”

 

“Are you doing this on purpose? Making me feel sorry?”

 

“No, that’s not it. I’m really sorry…”

 

It wasn’t just a phrase. It wasn’t a casual attempt to avoid the situation. He sincerely felt sorry. His big eyes revealed no hint of falsehood.

 

“…Why would you be sorry to me, Inseop?” Wooyeon’s voice lowered.

 

“You don’t like going to funerals, remember? You said it before.”

 

Wooyeon had said that after receiving condolences for the death of a director’s mother and wearing a black tie.

 

“I’ll do other things roughly, but funerals make me uncomfortable.”

 

It wasn’t about liking or disliking. It was uncomfortable. Inseop blinked his eyes a couple of times at the expression that rarely came out of Wooyeon’s mouth. What did that mean? He asked. Sometimes he had to ask again about Wooyeon’s expressions because his way of thinking was markedly different from others.

 

“I feel like I should sympathize with emotions, but I don’t feel the need to. I don’t know how far I should go.”

 

It could sound eerie. But Inseop’s sympathy for Wooyeon came first. He would live his life enduring discomfort that no one would understand. Whenever Wooyeon blurted out such things to him, Inseop felt sorry for him, finding him immature and pitiful.

 

“I just liked having you next to me, Wooyeon. It’s just… I was shortsighted.”

 

Inseop knew about the moments when Wooyeon endured inconvenience and discomfort to pour out his heart to him. Sending roses he liked to his grandmother’s funeral, making his favorite food in the morning, reading his favorite book to him when he had a fever, ordering and putting his favorite author’s book in the library when it was published, and so on. Little gestures of affection that one wouldn’t notice if they weren’t paying attention.

 

Nothing should have been taken for granted.

 

“So, I…”

 

Wooyeon hugged Inseop.

 

“F**k. I’m sorry.”

 

A confession-like repentance reached his ears. Wooyeon buried his face in Inseop’s shoulder. Inseop gently stroked his head. There were times when the bigger man was seen as a younger brother. The vulnerable side he showed only to him was endearing. It was a secret he wouldn’t tell anyone.

 

After a while, Wooyeon lifted his head.

 

“I’ll apologize to your brother myself.”

 

“To Aaron?”

 

“I’ll apologize for behaving inappropriately, as it is the truth.”