Vol 3 Ch 16

After taking the pills from the medicine cabinet, popping them into his mouth and swallowing the water, the boy looked at himself in the mirror.

 

He looked frail and weak.

 

‘God only makes people who deserve to be loved, and that’s why you were able to come to us.’

 

He remembered his mother’s loving voice.

 

“…Maybe I don’t deserve it.”

 

The boy muttered gloomily, then quickly shook his head. He felt like he was sinning against his mother by even thinking about it.

 

He left the bathroom and climbed into bed. He closed his eyes, but sleep didn’t come easily. He tried to forget, but the memories of the day kept coming back to haunt him. He tossed and turned, then turned to the other side.

 

He didn’t tell Aaron what had happened. He blamed his torn clothes and bruises on a fall. He didn’t believe him, but he kept his mouth shut.

 

He has to go back to school tomorrow. …What if he ran into him?

 

Looking at Phillip, who hadn’t so much as glanced at him the entire party, he realized that he was just waking up from a sweet dream. The distance was right. The moment he dares to look beyond the unattainable, it’s hard.

 

‘You think he cares about you? He’s probably forgotten he invited you. To him, you’re just a penny he drops in a needy neighbor’s box at Christmas. Or maybe he invited you here on purpose to have some random fun.’

 

He’s never forgotten what Fred said to him that day.

 

He thought of Phillip. He remembered the way he’d lost his temper that day, the way he’d been cold to him, the way he’d dragged him, the way he’d swooped in and kissed him….

 

The boy touched his lips and shook his head.

 

He couldn’t be serious. It’s the kind of attention Fred says is worth a few coins tossed to a needy neighbor at Christmas. Phillip’s kiss would be no more or less than the cruel prank Fred had played on him.

 

Even knowing that, why did he….

 

The boy sighed and closed his eyes again. Trying to force himself to sleep, he began counting sheep in his head.

 

One sheep, two sheep, three sheep…, tap. …four sheep. Tsk.

 

“…Uh.”

 

The boy opened his eyes, recognizing the noise in his head as he counted.

 

Tap, tap. …tap.

 

Something was tapping on the window.

 

Was it raining? The weather report said it was supposed to be sunny all week.

 

He pulled back the curtain to check outside and almost fainted on the spot.

 

“……!”

 

“Hi.”

 

It was Phillip, sitting on the branch of a sycamore he’d planted as a garden tree.

 

He blinked a couple times, then pinched his thigh, before accepting that this wasn’t a dream.

 

“I was just wondering if I should start throwing bigger stones.”

 

Phillip said, dropping a few small pebbles to the ground.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

“What? Ah. …yes.”

 

The boy stepped back from the window sill, and Phillip stretched out his long legs and crossed to the inside of the window.

 

“How did you get here, …what happened….”

 

The boy was too stunned to speak. Then a sudden realization hit him, and he ducked his head.

 

“…I won’t tell, I won’t.”

 

The man who had brutalized Fred had eerily expressionless eyes. The face was unfamiliar. He didn’t recognize him. He felt like he had seen something he shouldn’t have, and if it became known, it would destroy Phillip Levin’s reputation.

 

“I’ll never tell, don’t worry….”

 

The boy lifted his head and then went still. Phillip was staring at him. After a while, Phillip asked.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“What?”

 

“I heard you had surgery. I saw you get out of the hospital.”

 

The boy was too surprised to ask how he’d known he’d gotten out of the hospital.

 

“It wasn’t surgery, it was a checkup. I had to stay in the hospital for a day and do some routine tests.”

 

“And the results?”

 

“…They said I’m fine.”

 

“Good.”

 

“…….”

 

His throat heated up. The boy shook his head again.

 

What was wrong with this man? He couldn’t control his distance. Every time he looked at him, his heart would heat up and then freeze again. He didn’t think he could take it anymore.

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

The boy nodded wordlessly.

 

“Did you kiss the potted plant you brought as a gift?”

 

The boy stopped breathing for a moment. The blood drained from his face; he hadn’t expected anyone to see it. His fingertips twitched, and his vision flickered.

 

“Well, I mean, it was something I raised,… so I said goodbye, but it didn’t have any other meaning… sorry.”

 

The apology at the end was barely audible. It was hard to breathe, like there was a lump in his throat. The boy fumbled with the hem of his pajamas, unsure of what to do.

 

Phillip took a step forward. A punch? The boy squeezed his eyes shut. But for a long moment, he felt nothing. The boy cautiously raised his head. Their eyes met. And then he was pulled in.

 

“F**k, I’m going crazy.”

 

He heard a small muttering of expletives overhead.

 

“I was just going to see if you were okay today, so I could talk to you properly later.”

 

Phillip said, pulling away from the hug.

 

“I think I like you.”

 

“…What?”

 

“I think I like you.”

 

The boy’s breath caught in his throat.

 

He felt like the others were hiding somewhere, about to burst out laughing. He was terrified, and yet he couldn’t help but be happy to answer.

 

Actually, he wants him too… .

 

“… “Don’t play around.”

 

The boy managed to pull himself together and pushed Phillip away. He was pushed back with deceptive simplicity.

 

“You think I’m kidding?”

 

“Of course….”

 

He caught his gaze. Phillip was staring at him. His face was unfamiliar. This was not the Phillip Levin everyone wanted to be friends with, the one who had brutalized Fred, the one who had been called the best quarterback in team history.

 

There was nothing playful about Phillip, who looked angry and nervous.

 

“…Of course.”

 

The boy’s voice trembled.

 

“A guy like me, there’s no way…. And a man…. …because there’s no reason to.”

 

He couldn’t even get the word ‘like’ out of his mouth. Phillip grabbed the boy’s wrist and pulled him in. When their lips were just inches from touching, Phillip whispered in a low voice.

 

“I know. I’ve never done this before, so I’m confused.”

 

“…….”

 

“Can I check it out?”

 

Before the boy could answer, their lips met. It was a kiss unlike the other he’d had that day. Their lips gently touched and then parted. When the lips withdrew from the tender, gentle kiss that felt like it was soothing a crying child, the boy looked up at Phillip with a stunned expression on his face.

 

“…I take back what I said earlier about thinking I like you.”

 

Phillip muttered to himself, and the boy’s face turned bright red. For a brief moment, he felt like an idiot for thinking he might actually like him.

 

Phillip cupped the boy’s cheek.

 

“I like you.”

 

“…….”

 

“I don’t know why or anything, it’s just good, …good enough to make me want to strangle the fucker to death at the thought of you being with another guy…. I was an a**hole to you that day too, thinking you were dating your brother….”

 

Even as he spoke, he looked like he didn’t know what he was saying. The boy’s eyes widened at the unintelligible words.

 

“…I thought I was going crazy.”

 

Phillip slowly stroked a long finger down the boy’s cheek.

 

“…I’ll figure out why later. I mean, …f**k. Let me kiss you.”

 

Their lips met again. This time, the kiss was a little deeper. It felt good enough to make his vision blur, and it did then. The boy couldn’t understand what Phillip was doing to him, but he clung to the attention he was showing him, so much so that he pushed away desperately, afraid that if he kept going, he would lose control.

 

He thought it would be okay to just stand there and stare at him. But when he did, he changed his mind.

 

…he wondered if he could be greedy.

 

The boy threw his arms around Phillip’s neck. It was the bravest thing he’d ever done.

 

After a pause, the kiss continued. Phillip’s large hands gripped the boy’s head firmly. Their lips met and rubbed together without the slightest break. His breath caught in his throat, but he didn’t want to stop. The boy responded to his movements by opening his lips as wide as they would go.

 

F**k. An expletive burst out of him. Phillip wrapped his arms around the boy’s waist and sat him on his thighs. His toes lifted with each thick thigh rubbing against his. The boy clung to Phillip for dear life. It was more like intercourse than a kiss. Every muscle in their bodies ground in unison. The sensations were new to him, and he cried out.

 

“I’m sorry. …You must be scared.”

 

Phillip bit his lower lip in anger. The boy recalled that he had not yet corrected his misunderstanding of the message. He was about to say that wasn’t the case when he heard his mother’s voice coming from the hallway.

 

“Peter. Are you asleep? Can I come in?”

 

“Okay, just a minute.”

 

The boy quickly grabbed Phillip’s hand. Then he shoved him under the bed and covered him with a sheet. Phillip lifted the sheet and gave him an incredulous look, but quickly pulled it back down. He didn’t forget to turn off the light before getting into bed.

 

“Come in.”

 

The door opened. His mother walked in with a worried look on her face.

 

“Were you sleeping?”

 

“No, I’m about to go to sleep.”

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

There was no way she didn’t know that her son had been uncharacteristically depressed lately.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

The mother stroked the boy’s forehead.

 

“The tests came back good, and there’s nothing to worry about. You know that, right?”

 

“I do. I’m sorry for worrying you.”

 

“It’s a parent’s duty to worry about their children.”

 

The mother kissed the boy goodnight on the forehead.

 

“Sweet dreams. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

“Good night.”

 

Watching his mother’s back as she left the room, the boy breathed a small sigh of relief.

 

“Oh, Peter.”

 

The mother suddenly turned her head. The boy jumped out of his seat in surprise.

 

“Why did you leave the window open?”

 

“It’s stuffy, so I left it open for a while. I’ll close it right away.”

 

“You’ll catch a cold. Make sure you close it and go to sleep.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“What if a bad fairy sneaks in?”

 

It was a fairytale his mother used to tell her young son when he was fooling around because he didn’t want to go to sleep. The boy laughed, feeling poked and prodded. The door closed.

 

When he heard the footsteps recede, he slowly pulled up the sheet. Lying with his hands clasped together at the foot of the bed, Phillip’s eyes were closed.

 

“…Are you sleeping?”

 

“I was thinking about it.”

 

Phillip opened one eye playfully. He looked like a naughty little boy. The boy let out a small laugh. Phillip tugged at the boy’s neck. Their lips met briefly again.

 

“…Are you still scared?”

 

It was strange, Phillip’s expression was that of a frightened child. The boy quickly shook his head.

 

“No. That text, it was a mistake. I thought people would laugh at me if I went to the party, so I sent it….”

 

… The boy wanted to say that he’d hate him, and he was afraid of that.

 

“You saw that day. What an a**hole I am.”

 

The look on Phillip’s face as he beat Fred was certainly as brutal as it was unfamiliar.

 

“…It was an accident.”

 

“It wasn’t an accident.”

 

Phillip gave a self-deprecating laugh.

 

“It’s not an accident, I’m just the way I am.”

 

“…….”

 

“That’s what I am. Not the Prince of Woodson, but the Madman of Woodson. A proper madman.”

 

Phillip tapped his temple and explained, “This thing is broken.”

 

“I’m out of control sometimes. The way I feel isn’t normal, and the reason I came to this school is because I got into a real mess in England and got kicked out, so I spent a year in and out of the hospital, so I’m a year older than everyone else. Haha. Maybe I’ll get kicked out again sooner or later.”

 

Phillip laughed lightly. When no response came from the boy, he lowered his eyes. It was a first. The first time he’d ever confessed his mental issues to someone, let alone said it in the context of asking them to like him. Phillip thought he’d screwed up big time.

 

“I’m….”

 

The boy opened his mouth.

 

“I was abandoned by my parents because I have a heart defect. …I have no friends, and that was the first birthday party I was ever invited to, and I talk to myself a lot, and I pretend to be sick when I really don’t want to go to school, and I hate geometry so much that I almost flunked it once, and I hate the preacher because he bores me, and….”

 

Only then did Phillip realize what the boy was doing. The boy was reaching out to a weak, silly part of himself to reassure Phillip that his innate deficiencies were okay. In a clumsy, loving way, trying his best.

 

“Hahaha.”

 

Phillip burst out laughing. He was nervous that someone might hear him, but then he joined in the laughter.

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

Phillip asked, his eyes shining with laughter. The boy didn’t answer, but he kissed him first. Phillip pulled the boy into a hug. The next thing he knew, they were sprawled out on the floor.

 

He kissed the boy’s hands, the nape of his neck, under his eyes, everywhere he could see. As if to confirm that he was there.

 

“I always laughed when I heard about all those a**holes who sneaked into a girl’s house and hid in the closet until their parents found out.”

 

Phillip said, nudging the boy’s nose playfully with the tip of his nose.

 

“It’s pretty cozy down here.”

 

The boy’s eyes narrowed at the thought of spending a few days here.

 

“Just kidding.”

 

The boy breathed a sigh of relief. Indeed, he had been wondering if he should clean up under the bed for him.

 

Seeing him like that, Phillip swallowed a bitter laugh.

 

“I should probably get going. If I stay any longer, I’m going to make you cry.”

 

“…Is this a joke, too?”

 

“I don’t know. I think it is.”

 

Phillip pushed himself up slowly. The room, which he had never thought of as cramped, felt full. Phillip looked down at the boy.

 

“I may be an a**hole, but I’m not that much of an a**hole.”

 

“…….”

 

“And it’s late.”

 

At Phillip’s words, the boy checked his watch and was surprised to see it was after three in the morning.

 

“You’re coming to school tomorrow, right?”

 

The boy nodded.

 

“Okay. See you tomorrow then.”

 

The boy grabbed Phillip’s hand as he started to go back to the window. Phillip smiled in confusion and turned his head.

 

“…Are you okay?”

 

“What?”

 

“Your hand, the one you cut.”

 

The boy’s gaze lingered on Phillip’s right hand, which was covered in a large band-aid. Phillip stared at him for a long moment, wordlessly, and then swallowed.

 

“Are you, are you worried about me?”

 

“Yes. Of course….”

 

The “worried” part was broken by a rough kiss. Sitting on the windowsill, Phillip took the boy’s face in his hands and kissed him. When the seemingly endless kiss stopped, the boy met Phillip’s eyes as they looked at him. Those eyes, with their disheveled heat, revealed his true feelings.

 

“…Can I make you cry today?”

 

Phillip smirked when the boy couldn’t answer and pursed his lips.

 

“I’ll be leaving. Watch the door, there might be a bad fairy coming in.”

 

With those last words, Phillip swung himself into the branches. His body slid effortlessly in the darkness.

 

The boy braced himself against the window sill and watched him disappear. In the distance, he saw Phillip waving. The boy quickly waved back.

 

Only when he was sure he had disappeared into the darkness did he close the window. He returned to his bed and lay down, but sleep would not come.

 

He sat up and left the window open just a crack again. So that the bad fairy, or whatever, could come in whenever it wanted.

 

He hugged the sheets and closed his eyes.

 

A breeze filled with the scent of summer drifted in through the open window.

 

It was summer in full force.