SWAP 116

…

A silence hung between the two men for a while.

Seoul was aggrieved in his own way, and Saheon was visibly confused by a situation that was incomprehensible to him. Only the loud tapping of raindrops, showing no sign of stopping, echoed against the glass window. Outside, not even the sound of a passing car’s engine could be heard.

A few minutes passed like that.

The one to break the silence was Seoul, who had been breathing raggedly in Saheon’s arms for a long time. Having finally calmed down, he appeared with reddened eyes, clearly trying his best to act as rationally as possible.

“I was wondering what you kept talking about… What on earth are you thinking by yourself? There is no one else. Just as you said, I didn’t even have the mind for that… It was only ever you, so why are you jealous of someone who doesn’t exist? Hmm?”

Having pieced together Saheon’s words late, Seoul coaxed him in a tone drained of strength. Looking at the context, it seemed Saheon had mistakenly believed Seoul had his first kiss with someone else, but Seoul felt frustrated because he couldn’t understand why.

If anything, shouldn’t I be the one who’s suspicious?

No matter what memories he dug up, Saheon was always surrounded by—no, overflowing with—people. During their school days when Saheon frequently skipped class due to filming, Seoul would often witness girls flocking around him on the rare days he did attend school.

Even though Saheon himself looked fed up with it, one never knows.

It was an environment where one could only assume that there had been such interactions at least once or twice… even if it wasn’t a formal relationship.

After all, it wouldn’t be strange to say that boys that age think with their crotch rather than their brain. Knowing that he himself, with his simple inclinations, was the odd one out, Seoul had accepted it as it was, and his guess had turned into a conviction after his first kiss with Saheon.

That is to say, for it to be his first time… he wondered how Saheon could act like that. The way he pulled Seoul’s neck, the angle he tilted the chin, and the way he used his tongue were all far too skillful. The fact that he reacted like that even in his sleep said it all. There were days when Seoul felt gloomy, realizing that Saheon was familiar with such acts.

Yet, he says everything he’s doing with me is a first.

Seoul felt a surge of anger, wanting to cross-examine him and tell him not to lie, but it was fleeting.

He was jealous, but if he pried into every detail of the past, he would be the only one who ended up hurt. It is usually the one who loves more who becomes the weakling in a relationship. Repeating to himself that it couldn’t be helped, Seoul muttered with a dejected face. He felt a bit pathetic for not even being able to be jealous properly.

“It was my first time back then…”

So, telling him not to misunderstand, Seoul buried his face in Saheon’s shoulder.

It was just as he was swallowing his feelings, leaning his feverish eyes against the wet clothes.

Saheon, who had been silent for a moment, pulled up the shoulders of the Seoul who was nestled tightly in his arms. With me? Hearing the voice muttering like a monologue, Seoul reflexively nodded even in that state and lifted his gaze. He then came face-to-face with Saheon’s expression, which looked somewhat confused and plastered with doubt.

“Lee Seoul, for me, right now is the first time.”

Contrary to that expression, Saheon drew a firm line with his words, causing Seoul to ask back blankly.

“…Huh?”

“I said it’s the first time I’ve rubbed lips with anyone. You sometimes treat me like a slut, and fuck, it’s really unfair. I lived modestly, keeping my dick in check, so why don’t you believe me? Hmm? When exactly was ‘back then’? Was that really me?”

“….”

“If by any chance you’re confusing me with some other bastard, filming is canceled as of now. Consider yourself going straight home.”

It was precise diction, unbecoming of a former model. Seoul, his eyes wide at the pouring reprimand, was dazed for a moment. He couldn’t understand what Saheon was saying at all, but seeing Saheon’s face, it seemed it was the same for the other side, so he began to think something was strange from then on.

Gulping once, Seoul answered haltingly.

“When we were twenty… when you were sick with the flu.”

“Yeah.”

“We did it then…?”

“Fuck, when. Where.”

“In your room… at dawn. I did it secretly, and then I got caught… You avoided me after that.”

“….”

Saheon’s expression became grim in real-time, to a degree that couldn’t be corrected even in the eyes of Seoul, who had twenty-nine layers of rose-tinted glasses. Ransacking through memories he had buried away, never wanting to look at them again, he finally dragged out an old scene.

It was a period when he had suffered for several days straight from the flu, which he hadn’t even caught as a child. With a fever boiling through his whole body, his already foul temper reached its peak. He was born with a sensitive and irritable temperament to begin with. Only after the vases and ornaments near the bed were completely smashed did his parents, reminded of their son’s true nature, take to their beds in a different sense.

Far from nursing him, his family members, who couldn’t even pass by his room door, finally used their last resort. It seemed they had contacted Lee Seoul, but Saheon hadn’t expected much, knowing it was a busy time for Seoul where he couldn’t even sleep properly. Rather, he had felt even more irritated, thinking they had made Seoul worry over such a trivial thing.

After a few days like that, at dawn, when the burning heat that felt like it would cook his brain finally subsided. Saheon suffered from a wet dream—one of countless by that point. There was no need for explanation as the protagonist was always the same. It had already been a long time since he had started stripping and eating his childhood friend in his dreams.

Though he had been strangely obsessed since childhood, ever since he realized it was sexual, his imagination ran only in that direction almost every single day.

To what extent? He had even imagined hooking up in the library where the other would often stop by.

Knowing that Seoul had a particularly weak spot for only him, the Lee Seoul in his imagination would say “no” and look troubled, but would eventually spread his legs and allow it. It was arousing enough that he could ejaculate instantly just by imagining the face of Seoul holding onto the rattling bookshelf, not knowing what to do. Thus, in Saheon’s imagination, the two often tucked themselves into the innermost corner of the library. Holding onto the Lee Seoul who held his breath for fear of being caught, they hooked up several times until the wooden floor was drenched with spilled cum.

Crazy bastard.

His head was no different from a trash can.

He was already a severe case back then, but the problem was Lee Seoul, who was far too innocent when it came to those things. He had been plotting how to devour him for several years already. If Seoul hadn’t taken up such a conspicuous profession as a celebrity or whatever, Saheon would have swallowed him whole long ago. It was time wasted pointlessly monitoring what that crazy woman was doing with the kid.

So, at that time.

At the soft sensation touching his lips, Saheon realized it was a dream like any other. Even right after he had nearly died from being sick, it was absurd that he would resolve the situation with his lower half the moment he felt a bit better. While self-mockingly thinking that in his head, he couldn’t leave the Lee Seoul served up before him alone, so he kissed him messily just like that.

Was it because the sensitivity was exceptionally good compared to usual that he had unintentionally become engrossed?

His head was dizzy because too many dreams overlapped to remember properly. The only thing he could remember was Seoul’s flustered face. Seeing him unable to hide the thick, swollen part of himself and being red all the way to the back of his neck, reality suddenly hit him.

It was a scene that looked no different from his delusions to anyone, so irritation boiled over. He was fed up with releasing his lust only in his dreams while being unable to even lay a finger on him in reality, so he rubbed his face roughly. His lower half was already erect enough to hurt, but he was no longer in the mood to continue. Was it because of the fever? Holding his still dizzy head and exhaling a sigh, he looked up to find Lee Seoul had vanished somewhere. The way he disappeared as easily as he had appeared was just like an illusion.

It was even worse when he woke up the next day.

Perhaps as an aftermath of the vivid night, various emotions mixed like a backlash.

What on earth am I doing with a kid who doesn’t know anything? In what kind of period is this? Even setting aside that woman, Seoul was quite attached to his profession as an actor. Even Saheon knew how importantly Director Hwang Seo-deok’s film would affect Lee Seoul’s career. To a kid who was striving for that, even cutting back on sleep… fuck.

The realization that he needed to keep some distance came suddenly.

At the very least, he needed time to cool his head.

He didn’t want to sway the kid, who had been swayed his whole life, like that himself. Since there was plenty of time anyway. Ridiculously, Saheon was certain even back then. He thought that since they would be together for a lifetime, what difference would it make if they went a bit slowly? Although everything became a mess after that…

But.

That wasn’t a dream?

That was the real first kiss, and that piece of trash, out-of-his-mind slut was me…

It felt like he had been hit hard on the back of the head by the fact that he had been spitting on his own face. Unable to believe that the person he had been praying would die was his own suicide note, he felt like he wanted to shove his nose into a dish of water and die.