SWAP 108

※ This chapter contains depictions of self-harm and suicide. Please take this into consideration while reading.

“Uh, uh…”

I couldn’t tell what had happened.

With a ringing in his ears that filled his head, Seoul dashed into the room.

As he grabbed the legs, he felt a body temperature that had gone cold and hard like a block of wood. No matter how he looked at it, it didn’t feel like the touch of a living person, but he wasn’t in the right mind to care about such things. First, first, so they could breathe, lift the body up… Thinking he had to find something to cut the rope, he put all his strength into his arms.

Unaware that the weight was several times heavier than usual, he opened his mouth, rambling incoherently. Mother, I’ve got you. I’ll lift you up. Don’t worry. I’m holding on. Wrapping his arms around the legs that didn’t even struggle, he asked several times. Are you okay? Are you alright? Mother, you must have been so shocked. I’ve got you. I caught, I caught you. But…

Why are you so cold?

As if you’ve gone and died.

Thinking that couldn’t possibly be the case, he pulled the limp body tightly into his embrace. A sudden chill seeped in as if it had been waiting, and his heart sank. Not knowing why there was no answer, he rubbed his cheek against her knees wrapped in a dress. He acted as if he were throwing a tantrum he hadn’t even thrown as a child, but there was no response.

No… come to think of it, it wasn’t that strange.

Because you never gave any response to my words.

Realizing this truth all of a sudden, Seoul let out a sigh of relief, his shoulders trembling with a sense of security. Seeing as there was no movement, it seemed she was still sleeping. Reflecting that it was his fault for visiting so early in the morning, Seoul opened his mouth. He wanted to offer the words of forgiveness he had prepared while tossing and turning all night.

“Mother… are you sleeping?”

“I was wrong yesterday.”

“I won’t say things like that anymore. I…”

“I was bad. I’ll work hard so you won’t be disappointed anymore. I know how important this project is. I’ll apologize to the Director and I’ll try harder.”

So, won’t you please open your eyes?

It’s because I’m so scared.

That you might have died and left me all alone.

That you might have died because of me…

However, no matter how many tens or hundreds of times he pleaded, she never responded. Young days spent crying and begging, not knowing what to do while hugging those cold legs, unaware of whether the sun had risen or set again.

How long had he been like that?

He thought he heard a scream from somewhere, but it didn’t matter.

Around the time when he was dazed, not knowing if his eyes were closed or open, a sudden, massive impact hit him. Before he could even cover his stinging cheek, he looked forward to see his father with a terrifying face, clutching his shoulders and shouting something.

“Lee Seoul, get a hold of yourself!”

“…”

“Listen to me clearly. Your mother didn’t hang herself; she just collapsed from cardiac arrest. I’ll handle the arrangements, so don’t you dare say a word. Do you understand?”

His head was completely blank. When he couldn’t answer properly and only blinked, his cheek was struck again. Beyond his gaze, which had turned to the side, he saw his mother being carried out on a stretcher. Where was she going? He wanted to ask, but he didn’t even have the strength to part his lips. Looking at him slumped like a person who had lost his soul, his father wiped his face as if he had a headache and muttered.

“Ha, what is all this… holding me back until the very end…”

“…”

“What on earth were you doing until things got to this point? Calling yourself an actor or whatever, wandering around with vain delusions, were you both determined to bring shame to this family? What would your grandfather say if he knew? My head is already killing me because the election is right around the corner…”

The reprimands continued for a long time after that, but he doesn’t remember the details. When Seoul came to his senses, he was inside the funeral hall of a familiar hospital, and a portrait of his mother, smiling elegantly, was neatly placed there.

He had truly disguised a suicide as a death from illness.

Well, for someone who is a hospital director, it wouldn’t have been difficult.

As if he had never been the man who didn’t even bat an eye at his wife’s death, he kept watch over the funeral parlor with a sorrowful face the whole time, shaking hands with people. Seeing him shed tears, saying she had been frail since she was young and that it was his fault for not paying more attention, a surge of nausea hit Seoul, and he ran to the bathroom.

After mindlessly vomiting and vomiting as if he would throw up his internal organs, he lost consciousness again.

And when he opened his eyes, all the funeral procedures were already over.

“If you’re there, it’ll just be noisy because of those reporter bastards. I’ve made up an excuse, so watch your mouth. Just rest at home for a while.”

That was all his father said after checking the chart half-heartedly.

While he was staggering under the influence of an excessive dose of sedatives, he was loaded into a car like a piece of luggage and moved home. Being left suddenly in the empty living room, everything felt like a dream. He waited for a long time, thinking his mother would come down the stairs with a tired face at any moment.

However, the person he was waiting for did not come even as dawn approached, and only then did Seoul suddenly snap to his senses. Like a man being chased, he ran up the stairs and burst open the door to his mother’s bedroom.

“…”

There was nothing inside.

Not the wardrobe, not the bed, not even the vanity.

Seoul, breaking out in goosebumps at the empty room where all the furniture had vanished as if no one had ever stayed there, took a step back and ran to his own room. He locked the door and searched the room without even a moment to catch his breath. Then, he finally found his phone dropped under the nightstand.

He tried pressing the power button, but the screen wouldn’t turn on, so he hurriedly connected the charger. Please, please, please… He pressed the power button incessantly, his whole body trembling. And when the screen finally turned on, he hurriedly pressed the number 0.

Ring, ring, a dry dial tone continued for a long time.

An automated voice flowed out saying the call could not be answered at this time, but he held back his tears and called again. He called, and called, and called again, but the voice he wanted to hear was not heard. Feeling like he was left all alone in the world, and being so terrified by that, he trembled and begged toward the mechanical voice that announced the call couldn’t be taken.

“I’m sorry… I was wrong.”

“I won’t do those things anymore. I won’t let it show. Never, I’ll never do that again…”

“So, Hon-ah. Can’t you please pick up the phone?”

“I’m so scared, can’t you just come to me?”

“Just, just once…”

Stay with me.

Tell me it’s not my fault, that it’s okay—just say the words.

He begged like that, but in the end, you didn’t answer the phone, and when morning came, everything became still. Finally, his heart settled as if it had become hollow. He couldn’t think of anything anymore.

Actually, if he had just looked back a little, he would have been able to notice that something was strange. That no matter what, Seo Saheon would never leave Lee Seoul alone in such a situation. But with a mind that was already no different from mush, he had no room to even suspect that far.

Roll, Seoul shifted only his eyes to check the calendar and called CEO Yeom.

He jumped at the words that he would finish filming the postponed segments, but he couldn’t stop Seoul, who was being stubborn unlike his usual self.

Returning to the set after a week like that, everyone just quietly walked on eggshells around Seoul. Director Hwang, who used to pick on Seoul like he was catching a rat, was the same. He patted him on the shoulder, saying he’d worked hard and had been through a lot; he actually seemed somewhat moved, but Seoul wasn’t interested.

“You’ve worked hard.”

As if all that trouble had never happened, the additional filming ended in three days.

It was hollow, but that was all.

It was a relief, at least, that there were no schedules set for afterward because he had been focusing on Director Hwang’s work. After bidding a final farewell to CEO Yeom, who had dropped him off in front of his house, Seoul immediately began to organize his room. As expected, a heap of items that needed to be returned came out, and he placed them neatly into shopping bags. After finally putting in the CD case, Seoul went straight to Saheon’s house.

Ding-dong.

When he rang the bell, a woman with a familiar face came out.

She, the housekeeper who had worked at Saheon’s house for a long time, teared up as soon as she saw Seoul. Usually, he would have comforted her, saying he was okay, but he was so exhausted he didn’t have the mind for it. He only left words saying that these were things he had borrowed and was returning them, then turned away. He had no thought other than wanting to rest quickly.

By the time he returned home and finished organizing the rest of his luggage, it was already evening.

He pondered for a moment whether he should write a suicide note, then just didn’t.

He didn’t want to make things unnecessarily cumbersome, and he didn’t have any words he particularly wanted to leave behind anyway.

He rummaged through a drawer and pulled out a necktie that was as good as new. It was a gift he had received from his mother for his coming-of-age ceremony. After tying a firm knot, he called that boy one last time. There was no special meaning; he just wanted to hear his voice just once. Contrary to his expectation that he wouldn’t answer this time either, Saheon’s voice came through the speaker just as the call was about to disconnect.

— Lee Seoul, what is this?

It was a name he hadn’t heard in exactly two months.

Suppressing a heart that felt like it might burst into tears of joy, he parted his lips and said, “Hon-ah.” Unable to hide his excitement, he chose his words but ended up just babbling. I thought you wouldn’t answer, so I’m glad. I stopped by your house earlier…

He listened to that voice for a while like that.

After offering a final greeting to sleep well and ending the call, Seoul opened the wardrobe door with a light heart. Even when he put his neck through the knotted tie, he strangely wasn’t scared. How will my cause of death be reported in the news? He was curious about such things, but it was only for a moment.

As he completely relaxed his body, the fabric caught under his chin began to tighten around his windpipe like a noose. His breath was cut off, but everything was peaceful. It was a moment when he even felt a sense of relief at the fact that he didn’t have to seek forgiveness anymore.

Beeeep— Along with the ringing in his ears, the room door opened, and Saheon, with an expression he had never seen before, came running toward him.

“Lee Seoul!”

Saheon, who had caught and lifted his body, screamed out.

Instead of untying the necktie, the boy who had simply ripped out the hanger it was hanging on shook him and called his name incessantly. When he looked up while coughing, their eyes met. Lee Seoul, Seoul-ah. The voice calling him like a madman was filled with terror.

Because it was just like a young child, he reached out his hand even while choking, and it was immediately met and grasped.

Saheon, who had been breathing raggedly with bloodshot eyes as if he had witnessed something terrifying, was crying before he knew it.