SWAP 112

The voice that flowed out was seemingly calm.

It was as if he were reciting words he had kept tucked away in his mouth for a very long time.

Seoul’s eyelashes trembled at a confession that was so starkly different from his own, which had been poured out like a desperate eruption. That he liked him. Even after hearing it directly, he was at a loss for words, unable to believe the story. It was even more so because this was a situation he hadn’t imagined even in his dreams since his childhood, when he had to correct his own absurd misunderstandings.

It was only natural. He was someone who had already shown Saheon his absolute rock bottom, at a time when even showing only his best side wouldn’t have been enough. Although he said he had unconsciously hoped due to Saheon’s oblivious actions, at most, he had only wanted to be perceived as “that kind of person” just a little bit. He was well aware that even that was mere greed.

Furthermore, Saheon was heterosexual.

He might be fine as a friend, but he was disqualified as a romantic interest from the start.

Seoul had been foolish for coming this far despite knowing ninety-nine reasons why it wouldn’t work, but he had spent his time pointlessly blaming Saheon, saying Saheon was also at fault for pulling his hand every time he wanted to fall away. Yet, he was confused, not knowing how to process the man who had just nullified all those reasons by spitting out the words that he liked him.

Seoul, who had been frozen solid, slowly blinked.

His vision, which had been blurry and stained with tears, brightened only after a few drops fell away.

There were mountains of things he wanted to ask. In a state where suspicion, anxiety, and questions were heavily mixed, he slowly gathered his courage and lifted his head. However, the moment his eyes met Saheon’s—not even a hand’s span away—Seoul couldn’t say a single word.

“…”

What kind of crazy bastard looks at a friend with these eyes.

As if putting the sentence he had just uttered into practice, there was a great deal contained in Saheon’s eyes as he looked down at him. Seoul swallowed a short breath as he discovered an affection bordering on submission at the end of that gaze, which peered into him with a terrifying tenacity. Something disheveled and a bit broken, yet shimmering and polished nonetheless. Countless words that could not be fully expressed… All those things were settled within him, sparkling like gold dust.

It’s strange.

In all the years they spent together, it was a face he had looked into perhaps more than a thousand times.

Faced with an offensive so clear and blatant that he wondered why he hadn’t realized it until now, his violently swaying anxiety subsided. This wasn’t just a spilled confession. The moment he realized these were words carefully chosen and handed over with a heart as trembling as his own, a corner of his chest swelled as if it were about to burst.

Unable to hold it back any longer, Seoul stood on his tiptoes and rubbed his forehead against Saheon’s bowed one. Just like Saheon had done moments ago. Pressing their skin together as if he couldn’t help how lovely and precious the moment was, he blamed him in a completely broken tone.

“You… you didn’t make it obvious like that…”

“I didn’t?”

When he nodded slightly, Saheon let out a laugh like someone who had just heard a funny story. Playfully rubbing the tip of his nose against Seoul’s, Saheon whispered as he brought his lips to the corners of Seoul’s eyes, which had already begun to grow wet again.

“I don’t think I hid it much at all.”

“Ugh…”

“When did I ever treat you like a friend, Lee Seoul.”

Kiss, kiss. Seoul staggered as he reflexively closed his eyes because Saheon was stealing his tears with his lips before they could even roll down his cheeks. He didn’t fall because he was being held firmly, but the tips of his ears turned bright red.

If there’s a guy who acts like I do toward you, bring him to me. He was left speechless like a mute who had eaten honey at those added words. It was because, upon changing the subject of that sentence, he suddenly found it convincing.

A person who treats him like Seo Saheon.

He remained silent because the only scene he could imagine was writing his hundredth police complaint at the station. Of course, there was the unique circumstance of being prenatal friends, but he had enough awareness to know that not everyone under the same conditions acted like this. Despite the absurdly broken sense of distance, he hadn’t felt it was particularly strange because they only had each other.

In addition, the person in question was who he was. Since Saheon had been performing all sorts of eccentricities without rest since childhood, Seoul had reached a point where he just had to accept whatever happened. When he fluttered his closed eyelids with a half-resentful heart, Saheon, who gave one last firm press of his lips to lick his wet eyelashes, lifted his head and countered.

“And the one who didn’t make it obvious was probably you.”

“…Me? I didn’t?”

“Yeah. How on earth did you deceive me so perfectly? Do you know how shocked I was, to the point I asked you to slap my cheek? That’s an occupational hazard for you. Why are you acting outside the film set. I was so wronged and bewildered that I couldn’t even catch you immediately when you ran out. Do you know that?”

Seoul, who carefully opened his eyes at the sudden outpouring of complaints, immediately became wide-eyed. Seeing Saheon, who seemed to have no intention of smoothing out his deeply furrowed brow because he felt so wronged, Seoul even ended up apologizing reflexively.

“Th-then, I’m sorry…” while Seoul muttered and looked dazed as if he didn’t know why he was apologizing, Saheon grumbled a few more words before finally asking like a sigh.

“So, since when.”

“Please use a subject…”

“I’m asking since when you liked me.”

At those words, the expression on the dazed, captured Seoul became strange.

It was ridiculous to lie now that everything had been found out, but honestly, if he were to confess… he wondered if it might be a bit… creepy.

It had been as long as ten years. If Saheon found out that he had stayed by his side while pretending not to know and hiding his feelings all that time, even Saheon would be bound to flinch. Saheon was already a person with a confirmation bias regarding those who liked him. He thought there was no need to add more credibility to that, but… in his honest heart, he just wanted to confess without adding or subtracting anything. It was because he didn’t want to hide his heart anymore.

Having made up his mind at that point, Seoul gathered his courage.

Of course, the courage and the volume of his voice were not proportional…

“Just, since then, all along…”

“When is ‘since then’?”

You know exactly when.

He felt embarrassed that Saheon was making him repeat it, but since he had set his mind, he mustered his courage until the end to confess.

“Since high school…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

It was an unexpectedly long silence.

Saheon, who had suddenly shut his mouth at Seoul’s words, looked somewhat shocked. Seoul, who knew Saheon would be surprised but didn’t expect him to freeze to this extent, couldn’t help but be flustered as well.

Should I… should I have just spoken vaguely? Would it have been better to say I stopped once and then started liking you again…? Regret crept in late, but as expected, once words are poured out, they cannot be taken back. Because he knew that all too well, he was just about to open his mouth with the intention of offering an apology first this time as well.

“Ha, fuck…”

Before he could, Saheon let go of the wrist he was holding, pulled Seoul’s waist toward him, and collapsed just like that. It was a natural reaction since the shock was no small matter. The man, faced with his own massive blunder, went limp as he buried his face in Seoul’s shoulder. Even the umbrella he was holding wavered as if his strength had left him, but even in that state, he was persistent enough to keep it tilted solely toward Seoul’s side.

However, Seoul, who was the only one unaware of why Saheon was acting like this, hurriedly hugged the weight pouring over him. As he became aware of Saheon’s condition, which he had forgotten, along with the fact that they were doing this outside in the pouring rain, his heart became urgent.

Thinking they should at least get inside the car, he stroked the hair of the Saheon nestled in his arms. He was the one who had run out without an umbrella, yet for some reason, this side was soaking wet, which made him even more flustered.

“I’m sorry for deceiving you… I didn’t do it on purpose, but let’s go inside first…”

“Seoul-ah. Is that why you didn’t even make a boyfriend?”

At the question that flew in without warning, the fingertips coaxing Saheon faltered. Because he hadn’t expected such a question, he couldn’t answer immediately, and Saheon couldn’t wait those few seconds before asking again.

“It’s not that you weren’t interested in dating or whatever…, but you didn’t meet anyone because you liked me?”

“…”

…It was the truth, so he couldn’t even deny it.

When the person he liked—and a very clingy one at that—stuck close to him every single day, where would he find the mind to look at anyone else?

He didn’t have any romance regarding dating or marriage anyway, and since he had no interest in anyone other than Saheon, he had long since given up on those things. Meeting someone with this kind of heart was also disrespectful in itself. He knew it because he had suffered for a long time from a one-sided love with no promise. Therefore, he didn’t want anyone to be hurt because of him, and he always responded sharply to numerous offers. It was more comfortable to be cursed at than to give meaningless hope.

That was just how he felt, but when a self-mocking Seoul—thinking it might be a bit burdensome if he thought about it—nodded slightly, Saheon, who had been silent for a moment, lifted his head. The time that had passed flickers over his stained expression.

“Lee Seoul.”

“Yeah…”

“You know it, too. That our relationship was much more solid than mere dating. That remaining as just friends was much safer and more plausible than something that had the possibility of breaking up after a fight.”

“…”

“So I was satisfied with just being friends. They said if I just endured it, I could be with you until I die, so what couldn’t I do? As long as you were by my side, nothing else mattered…”