SWAP 110

Click.

The wipers moved through the dizzying flow of rainwater.

As the curved bowstrings erased the old story that had been playing naturally, the inside of the car was suddenly drenched in silence. Seoul, unable to look Saheon directly in the eye, turned away and gripped the steering wheel tightly. He felt as if he would sink through the floor if he didn’t do at least this much.

He was terrified of the silence that had settled into a lull, as if the fierce outpouring from before had never happened.

He was deeply ashamed of the vulnerabilities he had spat out with his own mouth, but he couldn’t help it.

Back then, it was an established fact that Saheon had suffered for a long time due to Seoul’s suicide attempt. Watching him break because of him, Seoul had also suffered for a long time. Whenever he lay beside the boy who couldn’t sleep, he felt as if he were being punished the entire time. It was the same even after Saheon’s condition improved following countless twists and turns.

Under the pretext of wanting to give back the things Saheon had missed out on now that he was supposedly better, Seoul had hovered by his side, but in truth, he knew. He wanted to stay by his side even if he had to use such excuses. He wanted to be together a little longer, even if he had to hide behind the mask of just being a friend. It was a shockingly selfish wish.

Without even a moment to wipe the tears that fell incessantly, Seoul bowed his head. His throat felt hot, and he kept choking up. He admitted the saying that some loves are like disasters. He felt that this heart, which couldn’t be killed even if he hacked away at it, was rather horrific. Not wanting to manipulate Saheon—who was a mess because of him—any further, he opened his mouth while trembling.

“How long do you have to be at my beck and call because of me? Just how long…”

He believed they had moved forward together all this time, but it was a delusion. The moment he saw Saheon still unable to sleep and guarding the door, Seoul realized. Saheon pretended otherwise, pretended everything was fine, but he was still desperately anxious about when Seoul might die. And every time that happened, Seoul was desperately anxious with guilt.

It was a vicious cycle that needed no further explanation.

Now that he realized they were becoming poison to each other, it was right to part ways. The hand gripping the steering wheel turned pale. He felt a gaze on him, but he didn’t have the courage to look to his side, so he whispered with his eyes closed.

“I’m too scared to even die now, but every time you’re like this, I keep…”

“…”

“I keep…”

That day, the moment he faced Saheon, who was coaxing him to just die together.

Seoul had instinctively felt that he could never again choose death by his own hand.

It wasn’t that he fully believed those words about dying with him, but the fear of “what if” had blossomed inside him. Even if a moment came again where he wanted to give up on everything, he was now so scared that he couldn’t even die easily.

Even while knowing that clearly.

Whenever he saw Saheon being so devoted to him, whenever he saw him not knowing what to do for the sake of someone like him… he was in great pain because he couldn’t give up his overflowing heart either.

Because he kept having “what if” thoughts.

Because since Saheon would grab his hand at the slightest provocation and embrace him without any sense of distance, he had inwardly ended up hoping that maybe Saheon had become aware of him a little bit, too. Even after going through all that, he was foolish like that again. Even though he knew clearly that it would end up like this…

“Seoul-ah.”

A low call echoed in his ear. Perhaps worried that he couldn’t stop crying, fingertips touched his wet cheek. The hand that reached out only for him, and your kindness that was unendurably painful on some days… The truth was, he liked it so much he didn’t know what to do. He really wanted to stop now, but even while thinking that, he couldn’t steady his growing heart and finally let it spill out.

“I love you. Still.”

“…What?”

“I tried to stop, I really did… but it didn’t work out well.”

His head was dizzy. He knew he wasn’t in his right mind, but he felt like he would die if he didn’t spit it out. Words like a love letter that he could never have sent. He knew that Saheon had already caught on to everything, and he also knew your heart that wanted to pretend not to know until the end, but he could no longer deceive himself by pretending everything was fine.

“I know. That you don’t feel that way. I… I also wanted to remain just a friend. So I really tried hard… I tried to trim it down and trim it more. But it doesn’t work when I’m next to you. I keep making foolish mistakes… I said I wouldn’t let it show anymore, that I wouldn’t do that, but…”

The spilled confessions were all incoherent. It was pathetic, and a bit miserable, so he leaned his face against the steering wheel. The hand that had touched his cheek had long since pulled away. It was what he had expected, so it was okay.

Beyond his blurred vision, he could only see the steering wheel made a mess by tears, so he held back his crying for a short moment, but he couldn’t last more than a few seconds. It was because the way he was making excuses for his heart was ridiculous. The affection he had swallowed and swallowed again, only to finally pour it out after more than ten years, was entirely jagged and twisted. He was looking down at that thing, which didn’t have a single pretty corner, and on one hand, he felt relieved.

“Lee Seoul, are you serious?”

At Saheon’s stiffened voice, his lips, which had been moving of their own accord, stopped abruptly. He lifted his head, which he had been burying unconsciously, but immediately regretted it. Looking at Saheon, who was staring at him with an expression of disbelief, he snapped to his senses as if he had been doused with cold water. Only then did Seoul, realizing what he had done, freeze in an instant.

He hadn’t brought him here with the intention of doing this.

He hadn’t had the slightest intention of confessing his feelings in this manner.

A chill ran down to the nape of his neck at the catastrophe that had occurred in the blink of an eye. There is a distance of hundreds of millions of light-years between pretending not to know while burying something and spitting it out to make it certain. Seoul’s complexion turned pale as he noticed he was repeating the events of that time once again. It was obvious what kind of answer would return. His heart throbbed and surged while his stomach churned at the same time.

Seoul, who knew what that signal meant, reflexively pulled the door handle. Anxiety that he might make a mistake inside the car and a defense mechanism of wanting to run away like this, even if only for a moment, mixed noisily. He didn’t care at all about the situation outside where heavy rain was pouring. If he could escape the situation, he didn’t care even if it were inside a typhoon.

“Sorry, just you go first.”

The door warning light flashed on over the dashboard.

Before he could be caught, he opened the door just like that and stepped out, and the frost-like rain immediately soaked his shoulders.

“Hey, you…!”

Saheon, who belatedly grasped the situation, called out to Seoul, but Seoul just closed the car door and turned away. Since it was already dark everywhere, he couldn’t even tell exactly where he was. But it wasn’t particularly important. He had his phone, so he intended to call a taxi later.

More than anything, his only thought was to get away from this place as quickly as possible.

Saheon was the victim who had suddenly been hit by a bomb, yet it was disgusting that he, the perpetrator, was the one getting scared and running away.

Rationally, he knew this wasn’t how to solve the problem. However, in his mind that had become a mire, the desire to simply avoid the situation was everything. He felt that only after being apart for a while, cooling his head a bit, and preparing his heart as much as possible before talking, could he spit out even a decent excuse. Knowing he absolutely couldn’t handle it in this state, he had just taken a large step forward when it happened.

A large hand suddenly popped out from behind and snatched Seoul’s arm, and at the same time, the rain that had been pouring down on his head like a deluge stopped in an instant.

“Lee Seoul, with the rain pouring like this, without even an umbrella…!”

As soon as his body was turned around, a thunderous voice struck down. Saheon, who was so shocked he even raised his voice—which he rarely did—tilted the umbrella handle as far forward as possible. Whether his own body got wet or not, his frantic appearance of being busy covering Seoul’s head was urgent. In that short moment, he wiped Seoul’s soaked cheeks and hair with his palm, his eyes narrowing sharply.

“You’re all wet. Are you determined to catch a cold?”

“Heon-ah, I’m sorry, but later…”

“You’re telling me to leave you all alone in this rain and go? Do you think that makes any sense?”

“…”

“Go to the car for now. Let’s talk there.”

Seoul, who had ended up following for a few steps because Saheon naturally gripped his wrist and pulled, belatedly snapped to his senses and put strength into his body. Like a child scared of being scolded—no, rather than such a cute expression… like a death row inmate just before receiving a sentence, he pleaded with a pale face, repeatedly spitting out apologies.

“Heon-ah, I’m sorry. I’m sorry… but can’t we talk later?”

“No. I can’t wait.”

“I’ll just take a taxi and go, so later… ugh!”

It was the moment he had been mindlessly mumbling, trying to escape the situation with all his might. Saheon, who had suddenly turned to the side, stepped closer and leaned his upper body in. The umbrella tilted a bit more, and a hot warmth touched his cold lips before pulling away with a mwah sound.

“I told you I can’t wait.”