SWAP 10

At the sharp answer, Seoul’s speech was choked up once again, and he let out a hollow breath. Setting the absurdity aside, he wondered exactly when Saheon would ever fix that speech habit of his that constantly made people misunderstand. What do you mean, “our relationship”—the incident where Saheon had posted a photo of Seoul sleeping on Onstar while muttering something about a “composite” flashed through his mind. He prided himself on knowing Saheon well, but sometimes, really…

Losing all his energy, Seoul leaned his cheek against the steering wheel and drifted into a mumble.

“No, you dummy. What exactly are you going to do once that’s acknowledged…?”

“…….”

“What merit do you get from it being known that you’re close to me? You aren’t a rookie without any connections, and you’ve built a decent career, so what’s the problem?”

It wasn’t a few years ago when he had just started as a magazine model; Saheon was now successful enough to snag an ambassadorship for a certain brand. Even if he bragged about his connection with Seoul, there wasn’t much to gain other than becoming a bit of a hot topic. When Seoul pointed that out, Saheon tightly shut the lips that had been answering so well just a moment ago. A look of hurt passed over his sleek features, which looked as if they had been elaborately drawn with a dark pencil.

“It’s because I’m anxious.”

Many things were buried on the surface of the voice that slipped out.

Seoul wanted to ask what he was anxious about, but he already knew the answer. It was the same for Saheon.

“You’re trying to keep your distance from me.”

“…….”

“What’s the problem? The way you act like you’re going to suddenly disappear. That’s the biggest problem for me. So I fucking hate it when people blabber that there’s nothing between us.”

It makes it feel like a story I just made up.

As he added that, Saheon’s expression had soon settled into a soft calm. If it had been a scene from a pantomime without audio, he would have been regarded as nothing more than a melancholic subject. But in reality, it was the soliloquy of an asthenic patient whose black graphite would smudge everywhere if rubbed with a hand.

I wondered why I felt anxious too.

Only then could Seoul be certain of the identity of that strange sense of heterogeneity that had been scratching the back of his neck since morning.

He thought that time had solved many things, but it seemed that wasn’t everything. As soon as that thought occurred, he reflexively reached out. When he grabbed the back of Saheon’s hand, which was resting carelessly on his thigh, the usual hot heat transferred over.

“It’s not like that, Heon-ah.”

“Why. Do you think I’m relieved now? So you want to vanish into thin air?”

“I told you it’s not that. Why would I…”

“Then don’t make me anxious. We can just be together.”

The end of his tone distorted quickly. Knowing what kind of omen it was, Seoul squeezed the back of the hand he was holding a little tighter. Since reacting by getting excited together was the absolute worst, he slowly lifted his upper body from where it had been leaning on the steering wheel. Dark eyes, devoid of even a speck of light, were staring this way as if determined not to miss a single gap.

At that tenacious gaze, the pit of his stomach throbbed.

It was because, regardless of his own gloomy feelings, nothing about this made him happy. Because it was a result he had ruined himself, his throat tightened dryly.

“I’m sorry. For making you anxious.”

Certainly, Saheon’s reaction was not the kind that would come out of a general friendship. Even while thinking so, Seoul prepared the most tender pronunciation he could manage.

This was the residue of an old condition. Because Seo Saheon had once suffered from a pathological separation anxiety regarding Lee Seoul.

That symptom, which started from a certain point, had very easily unraveled Saheon’s daily life. The motive and reason for their long cohabitation was also because of this. The problem wasn’t that he refused to be apart from Seoul for even a moment, but rather the problem was that he couldn’t feel at ease even when he was by his side. In those days, Saheon, like a believer struck by distrust, refused to even sleep and stayed awake with his eyes wide open for days on end.

Because of that, he received long-term psychological counseling and eventually had to undergo concurrent drug treatment.

There were many twists and turns, but from a few years ago, his condition had improved considerably. He no longer took medication, and his illness had improved to the point where he could handle schedules alone.

What a relief.

Seoul, who had been struggling the whole time, felt like he could finally breathe only after seeing Saheon regain his former self. Despite having no religion, he was relieved enough to seek out a god. I won’t do it again. Muttering words he couldn’t even spit out, he lingered by Saheon’s side for another few years.

It was because he wanted to confirm if Saheon had truly become okay.

After that, he wanted to properly place back the things Saheon had lost into his hands.

The years wasted uselessly were such a shame. It was late, but he wanted to lead the boy onto a normal track even now. He admits it’s his own greed. That it’s the end result of a festering guilt. Therefore, it was right to grow apart like this gradually. They had deferred each other excessively, but from now on, they had to live their respective lives.

At the same time, it was time to submerge his own feelings, which were nothing special.

Seoul pulled at the corners of his mouth, hoping those feelings would drown without leaving a trace. He with difficulty steadied his will, which weakened from time to time as if looking for an opportunity.

“But Saheon-ah. We have to get better now too. You know that just blindly staying together isn’t a good method. I’m okay now… and you’ve become well enough too. We’ve sufficiently proven that to each other while being together until now. Right?”

He shook the back of the hand he was holding out of habit.

At the action that seemed to seek agreement, Saheon’s lips, which had been firmly closed in a straight line, distorted faintly. It was a change that Seoul, who was looking down, failed to notice.

“So let’s learn how to be apart now too. Even if we don’t live together, we can meet often. We can eat out, go play… it won’t be much different from now. You know I don’t have any friends other than you either…”

“Lee Seoul. You have no intention of listening to anything I say, do you?”

“…….”

“You’ve decided everything on your own and are just notifying me.”

“…Does it sound like that?”

“Yeah. But I don’t want to fight with you. It’s my loss.”

What did he mean by “loss”? If they really did fight, the one who would suffer the loss would clearly be Seoul. However, since he didn’t want to nitpick any further, he shut his mouth.

Saheon, thinking about something in silence, tilted his cheek.

Unlike usual, it was an expression that couldn’t be easily read.

“Fine, for now. Let’s go home first today.”

“Heon-ah.”

“I’m not mad. If I thought it was something that could be solved by getting angry, I would have done it already. But I am a bit annoyed, so I’m not going to buckle your belt for you.”

If anyone heard that, they’d think it was the natural thing to do. It was just that he often missed the timing; Seoul, who wasn’t an idiot unable to buckle a belt by himself, lifted his gaze slightly to gauge Saheon’s mood. He had been prepared for a quarrel, but Saheon was openly crossing his arms as if he weren’t truly angry. At that sight, Seoul’s tension relaxed in spite of himself. Unless it was a situation like this, Seoul also didn’t want to wrestle uselessly with Saheon.

How Saheon misunderstood that, he reminded Seoul firmly once more.

“Even if you look at me like that, I’m not buckling it.”

“…….”

If he didn’t buckle it quickly, he was on the verge of being branded a real idiot.

I can buckle it… Seoul, muttering softly, hurriedly clicked the clip into the buckle.

Throughout the way back home after starting the ignition, Saheon didn’t say a word. Even though it was a relationship where silence was familiar, the one who ended up dwelling on it was eventually the one with the weaker heart. When the red light caught them, Seoul, stopping before the stop line, hesitantly turned his head.

When their eyes met, his lips flickered slightly.

“You know.”

“…….”

“I’m sorry for deciding on my own…”

I know he must have agonized over that one sentence for a long time. Saheon, reaching out his arm, touched the soft, innocent face. When he answered by grabbing both cheeks and giving them a squeeze, Seoul, who blinked a beat late, smiled as if relieved. The corners of his eyes, which drooped slightly, were cute.

Nothing special happened even after arriving home.

They had dinner a little earlier than usual and shared a movie recently released on OTT along with some popcorn. After the credits rolled, it was time to lay out their respective reviews. Since it was mainly talk about the plot or the acting, Seoul was the one who got more excited. It was also the only time Seo Saheon listened intently.

By the time the table was cleared, it was nearly 11 o’clock.

It felt like the day had flown by even though they hadn’t done anything, but it wasn’t bad. Sometimes things like this are good too. Seoul, who let out a small yawn because he had woken up early, came out of the bathroom after washing up just as Saheon was looking into the refrigerator while shaking his wet hair.

Seoul offered a greeting toward Saheon’s back as he pulled out a bottle of water.

“Goodnight, Saheon-ah.”

“Yeah. You too.”

Click.

Only when he closed the bedroom door and laid his body on the bed did the worries he had postponed wash over his entire body. It was partly a way of looking back on the day, but mostly it was self-reproach that he shouldn’t have been like that. Am I too cold-hearted? Still, if I don’t do this, it’s obvious it’ll be a repeat of the same cycle forever… While dwelling on the words Saheon had spit out, he seemed to have fallen asleep at some point.

It was the next morning when he felt something was wrong.

“……You, why are you here again?”

It happened again.

Seoul felt his sleepiness vanish instantly at the familiar face he saw as soon as he opened his eyes, just like the day before.