SWAP 6

“…….”

It was a sentence that felt almost like a sentencing.

Since I was not ignorant of the history steeped in those words, the action I should take next was clearly defined.

Laugh as if I didn’t know what to answer, or soothe him by telling him not to think that way. Although I could read the vivid script floating before my eyes, for some reason, I could do nothing, and Seoul hurriedly clenched both hands.

I know it’s not true.

That since quite a bit of time has already passed, he would just be remembering it as a mere happening now.

In reality, since that day, Saheon had never brought that matter up, even as a joke. Even while knowing it was better that way for both of us, whenever I heard a story like that once in a while, the tips of my fingers turned cold.

Is it because it feels like a statement directed right at me?

I held my breath for a moment at the chill seeping along my cervical spine.

As my body filled with breath, I felt like a lump of meat vacuum-packed. Thinking that was more comfortable instead, I slowly counted numbers. I had to create a face identical to my usual one as quickly as possible. It wasn’t a difficult task.

“…Lee Seoul?”

Fortunately, it didn’t take very long.

Grateful for his own profession, Seoul, having fashioned a moderate expression, exhaled a short breath. When he turned his head, his eyes met Saheon’s, who was glancing over at him. Seoul, frowning nonchalantly, recited his share of the lines.

“That’s confirmation bias on your part. Even so, they’re your fans, so speak a bit more nicely.”

“It’s not bias, it’s a conviction. Anyway, you aren’t going to change your manager even if I tell you to.”

It was an obvious statement. A manager isn’t a food menu. Even while knowing it was an unreasonable demand, Saheon used a rarely firm tone.

“…Why would I suddenly change a kid who is working hard and doing well.”

“That’s why I’m telling you not to get too close.”

“…….”

“Keep it moderate. You know what I mean.”

…I wondered if just liking someone was something to be criticized this much, but if the target was Seo Saheon, the story changed. Since Seoul had watched how much he had suffered as childhood friends, he naturally chose silence.

Because Seo Saheon had something about him that attracted people of such bad quality that it made one wonder if it were a disaster.

I had labeled it as confirmation bias, but in fact, it was close to a fairly high-credibility empirical judgment.

Looking back at the disastrous memories that couldn’t even be called recollections, Seoul gazed at Saheon’s profile once again. Colorful neon signs poured over a face where not a single spot was out of place. The sight of them spreading like paint and disappearing quickly was as wonderful as a scene from a movie. To the point that, if possible, I wanted to save it secretly and look into it for a long, long time by myself.

Wishes that were nothing but damp.

At the stench rising up from the tips of his toes, Seoul realized once again that he too was contributing to the credibility of that judgment by Seo Saheon. How was this any different from having a guilty conscience? Seo Saheon wasn’t wrong at all.

“Yeah, okay.”

Because I like you, too.

Because I couldn’t kill this heart even after hacking at it endlessly.

I have no intention of bestowing normality upon this disaster-like affection that no one wants. It will surely never be conveyed, nor discovered. While thinking that once was already enough for such things, we entered the tunnel. The place where the kaleidoscope-like lights disappeared was as peaceful as the last 10 years.

So Seoul swallowed his emotions as usual.

It was an act that had long passed its expiration date, but it didn’t matter.

The way back home is very long.

The spoiled food remained in his stomach, causing a stomachache for a long time.

The summer of that year was particularly hot.

Since even Seoul, who has a low body temperature, suffered, it must have been a heatwave beyond imagination.

The radio commentary saying the discomfort index was soaring to record levels was repeated like a parrot. It was weather where sweat formed on the back of the neck even if one did nothing.

Naturally, Seo Saheon, who has a lot of body heat, was already in a half-dead state.

It was because of the air conditioner temperature fixed at 27 degrees for the sake of the Earth and the environment.

This crazy school.

Saying weird things like if they really cared about the Earth they should have made humans extinct first, he certainly looked in bad condition. Since there were shadows under his eyes like someone who had stayed up all night, I asked worriedly, and the answer came back that the air conditioner in his room had died at dawn yesterday. To Saheon, whose fixed temperature was always 18 degrees, it was no different from a death sentence.

‘Ha, fuck. I’m gonna die, seriously…’

The back slumped over the desk like a beast that had lost its energy was pitiful. With the door constantly opening and closing and the air conditioner’s coolness being worse than a fan’s breeze, Saheon’s annoyance was reaching an extreme.

Since Saheon had such a strong desire for sleep that he could easily sleep for twenty-four hours if left alone, Seoul, having shoved his textbook into his bag, made a decision. It seemed it would be better to let him sleep a bit.

‘Do you want to go to the nurse’s office?’

‘…I’m already banned from entering?’

Just how much did he skip for him to be banned from entering?

Normally I would have poured out at least one word of nagging, but seeing his tired complexion, other words retreated. Seoul, who tucked Saheon’s disheveled hair back without it being noticeable, whispered in a low voice. If Saheon couldn’t go, it was a matter of Seoul going instead.

‘I can just say I’m sick.’

Seoul was already no different from a celebrity since the time of admission. Because he was barely filling the minimum number of school days due to his busy schedule, there was no one who would say anything if he caught some sleep in the nurse’s office.

I had never thought that my profession was useful, but just for now, it was considered a relief in many ways. As expected, it was good that I came even if I had to overexert myself. Recalling the regional filming that would take place in a few days, I hurriedly moved my feet.

And as I had been certain, entry to the nurse’s office was easily permitted.

When I leaned on Saheon’s shoulder and staggered as if dizzy, the school nurse, who was famous for being prickly, not only gave up a bed but also handed over the key before exiting.

Seoul, having politely delivered a thank you at the suggestion to rest as much as he wanted, pulled Saheon’s arm as soon as the door closed. Unlike the classroom, the inside of the nurse’s office was cool.

‘Come here.’

‘Lee Seoul, you’ve become a sly snake in the time I haven’t seen you.’

I wondered why he was quiet, and it seemed he had been holding back his laughter. Whether he found it funny that this model student, who didn’t know a lick about lying, had even wasted his acting skills for him, Seo Saheon snorted repeatedly.

Even after I brought him here, he just teases me.

Feeling a bit spiteful, I struck his elbow exposed beneath the short-sleeved shirt.

‘Be quiet and lie down quickly.’

Actually, saying I pushed him firmly was a more appropriate expression than saying I hit him. Not wanting to make the already tired kid suffer more, I even laid him on the bed with my own hands. It’s not hot now, right? I was about to stand up after speaking with the intent for him to sleep in my place, but my wrist was caught just like that. Heat spread under my palm in an instant.

‘Ah, you’re cooler.’

A voice mixed with a slight sigh.

At the low exclamation, Seoul ended up frozen completely.

The caught palm was moving of its own accord over the forearm where veins had popped up. Although there were many times we touched here and there while living together, I was flustered because I had never touched Seo Saheon’s body so intensely like this.

I should have at least gotten annoyed and asked what he was doing, but my thoughts stopped to the point where I couldn’t even recall that. Whether he liked the cool body temperature he felt in passing, Saheon was already moving Seoul’s hand as if it were his own. The fingertips that brushed the hollow of his inner elbow went straight up and touched his neck. Seoul, who unintentionally trembled at the throbbing pulse and the heat that felt particularly hot, had his earlobes turn red in an instant.

It was strange.

An expressible feeling rose up, making me want to cover my mouth. This act itself of rubbing my palm here and there over the firm skin felt excessively erotic. Although not a single bit of my will was involved, somehow, wasn’t it a behavior like molesting a person who was staying still at his own whim?

Whether he knew of Seoul’s confusion or not, Seo Saheon even had his eyes closed. It was certain he thought of me as something like an ice pack, so I tried pulling my arm with force, but it was of no use. To begin with, winning by strength was impossible. This fool, really…

I couldn’t tell whose the thumping heartbeat was anymore.

Whether the heat had transferred, even the tips of my toes felt ticklish.

In the meantime, Saheon was pulling the white hand, which had become lukewarm, a little further up. Like a person who wanted to take away every bit of the faint remaining coldness, he placed it on his cheek and pressed—firmly—the back of my hand.

The part that was touched felt hot.

It was when I grit my teeth to try not to be conscious of it as much as possible.

His head tilted, and Saheon’s lips briefly brushed under my palm. It was a moment that didn’t even last for a few seconds.

‘……!’

However, the moment I recognized that texture, a tingling sensation spread through my entire body as if I had been hit by electricity. Seoul’s cheeks, who twitched his shoulders like a person struck by lightning, turned completely red. No way. Before I could even spit out the words pooled at the tip of my tongue, I hurriedly shook off his hand. I didn’t know where that strength came from, but by the time I regained my senses, it was after I had already burst out of the nurse’s office.

‘Huu…’

The hallway where class had started was as quiet as a dead mouse.

My breath kept coming short as if I had sprinted.

I was confused as to what on earth had happened. Seoul, unable to even return to the classroom, crouched down and sat in a corner of the stairs. I tried repeating to myself that it couldn’t be, but the strong denial instead returned as a conviction. It was the moment a name was attached to the emotion that I could never clearly define. It was an emotion that had completely deviated from the normality defined by the world, but surprisingly, I was not afraid.

It was like that back then.

Laughably, Seoul at that time also felt his heart throb secretly, wondering if that boy might feel a bit the same way as he did. That perhaps we were in a relationship closer to romance than friendship, and that we might soon become each other’s lovers.

It was a truly absurd imagination.

Without even knowing that everything was just his own delusion, Seoul suffered for a long time, and the events after that are a total blackout. Is it because I don’t want to remember anymore? The screen shattered dizzily as if Fast Forward had been pressed. In the fragmented afterimages, Saheon shouts something.

‘You’re … again. Like this…’

At that, Seoul recoiled from the past.

The years that, if possible, I only want to excise with the tip of a blade.