SWAP 107

The spring of age twenty.

In the season when everyone faces new beginnings, Seoul’s daily routine had become obsessively checking his phone. For the thirtieth time, the mailbox was checked and found empty. Disappointment seeped over his face as he realized there was still no reply to the voice message he had scraped together the courage to send. It was already well past a month since early February, when Saheon had stopped replying.

As he bit his mangled fingernails again, a fishy taste of iron wafted up.

The moment blood spread over the flesh he had chewed off, a fierce slap flew at the back of his hand.

Smack! Startled by the sharp pain, he looked forward to see a woman standing there with a sunken face. It was the moment he reflexively straightened his posture under a gaze that could not hide its contempt. As if she had been waiting for this exact moment, familiar accusations poured over his head.

‘Please. Stop biting your fingernails. How many times do I have to tell you that the camera catches everything? Or, are you doing this on purpose? Are you protesting like this just to break your mother’s heart?’

‘…It’s not like that. I’m sorry.’

‘There you go again, trying to brush it off. Do I have to just let it go simply because you apologize first? Why do you always make me the bad person? What is wrong with you lately? Acting like a child who’s lost his soul.’

He tried to add an excuse late, but it was no use.

Even though she was the one who had taught him to beg for forgiveness over the smallest things. Suppressing the sudden surge of rebellion that rose unlike usual, he covered his forehead, and her voice cut off abruptly. Before long, he felt warmth wrapping around the back of his hand, which was burning red. Her strict tone became sweet in an instant, as if coaxing a child.

‘Seoul-ah. You know how important this project is. Do you know what it means to appear in that person’s movie? Your mother has worked so hard all this time, so why is our son acting like this? Hmm?’

Despite the persuasion being handed down like candy, he kept feeling suffocated and only nodded his head repeatedly. Everyone knew that as the new work of Director Hwang Seo-deok, who was called the root of the Korean film industry, just having one’s name in the credits was an honor. However, Seoul, who had been cast in a significant supporting role, had a dry reaction. It was because his heart did not race even after reading the script.

Delicate and dignified, yet old-fashioned.

That was Seoul’s overall review after reading down to the final stage directions of the scenario.

Someone might ask what a mere twenty-year-old fry would know, but there was no way the audience wouldn’t notice this anachronistic concept that even he could see. In fact, years later, this work became Director Hwang Seo-deok’s retirement film, and it was the only movie he made that failed to break even and was harshly panned.

Of course, he couldn’t know that at the time of filming. It was simply receiving everyone’s expectations and attention as the director’s comeback piece after ten years. Regardless, he was a director who had set fire to the hearts of countless film students. It was natural that everyone’s eyes lit up the moment news broke that an audition for actor casting might be held.

One of those people was Seoul’s mother.

Seoul, who had watched Director Hwang’s previous works with her numerous times since childhood, knew that this very moment was her long-held desire. When he passed the audition against odds of 3,000 to 1, she had even shed tears while embracing him, so it was obvious, wasn’t it? But there is always a gap between the ideal and reality, and there is no formula stating that a director who makes good works is necessarily a good person.

The reality that Seoul had felt poignantly since his debut film was no different this time.

Director Hwang, who had been strangely edgy since the first reading, reigned as a dictator over everyone once the full-scale filming began.

Under the single pretext of ‘for the sake of a good scene,’ numerous irrationalities and insults were taken for granted, and his venomous remarks that spared no one were packaged as the sensitive temperament of a master. I guess the mountains and rivers change, but this industry never does. Even while feeling disgusted, Seoul maintained a smile on his face. He was no longer a ten-year-old child actor who knew nothing.

The set was precariously smooth.

Because of the tight schedule, there wasn’t even a gap for other thoughts to intervene.

It was actually a relief. If he let his guard down even a little, his head would immediately fill with thoughts of Saheon. One could tell just by looking at how he stared only at his phone even during the few break times. I miss you. He felt pathetic in his situation, rolling words he couldn’t even speak inside his tongue and only staring at his photo gallery. He never knew that receiving no reply at all would be this painful.

I shouldn’t have done that.

He regretted it several times, but he couldn’t take back what had already happened.

Of course, he didn’t think they would grow apart forever. Considering the years they spent together, there was no way it would be cut off so easily. Even if it became a little awkward, he believed that if he just fixed his own mind well, they could live as they did before.

So right now, it’s like a period of guidance.

To return to being friends again.

He grit his teeth, enduring solely on that one thought. Once this filming is over, then…. He told himself he had to go see him in person. He felt like he could only live if he saw his face. It was right when he was soothing himself, saying that the bad thoughts digging in were just due to impatience. The incident occurred in an unexpected place.

‘Hey…! You have to cry immediately as soon as you turn! What are you doing!’

As the thunderous roar spread, the air on the set, which was already stiff, froze. The child standing in front of the camera froze stiffly with wide-open eyes. It was a scene where the protagonist recalls his childhood. Harsh curses poured over the head of the child actor who, perhaps due to nerves, failed to shed tears on cue.

Seoul, who had joined late for the next scene, also witnessed that sight.

His body moved first at a certain scene that naturally came to mind.

He was afraid the thick hand the director had raised as if to swing would reach the child. Hurrying to block the way, the moment his eyes met the director’s, Seoul knew instinctively.

Ah, the next target will be me.

He predicted that the remaining filming would become difficult, and that soon became a reality.

‘You brat, is that the best you can do? Is acting a joke to you? Just because people around you say you’re good, you’ve become so arrogant…. You won’t do. I have to fix your mental state first, I mean, shit.’

‘I am sorry. I will do it again.’

The price for touching the nerves of the old director, who considered his own words to be the code of law, was severe. Since he picked flaws without letting a single cut pass, the set soon became like a sheet of thin ice. Verbal abuse and accusations followed every day. Those words spoken just to crush the other person somehow…. If he had been an unknown actor, he probably would have started by being slapped on the cheek. Every moment was that blood-chilling.

He had no regrets.

Because even if he went back, it would be the same.

The one who actually made things difficult for Seoul was not so much Director Hwang, but his mother who defended him.

‘Director Hwang is doing all that for your sake.’

‘It’s just that his way of speaking is a bit rough. Hmm?’

‘Seoul-ah, if you just work a little harder…’

It was tyranny to anyone’s eyes, but instead of protecting her son, she was busy packaging Hwang Seo-deok. That stale, old longing and adoration pained Seoul more than anything.

The number of times he looked at his phone gradually increased. He wanted to believe that somewhere, there was someone absolutely on his side. One day, he even went down to the parking lot and flung open the back door of an empty car without realizing it.

Because it felt like, inside there, you would be waiting for me like a lie….

‘…….’

But the inside of the car was empty, and Saheon still had not contacted him.

On those days, he became unendurably afraid and ended up collapsing right there.

What if we’ve already grown apart? If I’ve already been pushed outside your circle, and have thus become a guest who is no longer invited. Seoul knew Saheon’s merciless nature. That trait, which had never applied to him, was now terrifying.

Everything collapsed rapidly.

Without knowing whether it was his mind or the central axis of his body, while he was busy gasping for air, accusations poured over Seoul’s head again. At Director Hwang’s shouting that he shouldn’t show up on set anymore if he was going to show that kind of acting, his mother, who turned pale instead of him, finally spat out words she should never have said.

‘What are you going to do now? How are you going to handle all of this…! You know very well how important this project is. What I did for you, and you, you do this to it…. Do you really want to see your mother die? Is that it?’

‘Sor…’

‘This is why, back then, why did you protect him…!’

Looking back, at that time.

He clearly heard the sound of something snapping.

His mouth opened unintentionally at the signal gun that sounded like a roar, and that day, for the first time, Seoul raised his voice toward his mother.

He doesn’t remember well what he said.

He simply vomited out everything he had endured and endured but finally could not stand, like a fit of nausea.

The instances where he loved and wanted to be loved but failed were mixed together in a frenzy. While pouring out love-hate and resentment to his heart’s content, at the end, he touched upon the weakness she had swallowed her whole life. He still remembers her white feet stepping backward at his final remark—asking if it wasn’t actually her, not him, who wanted to be an actor. Only after venting that far did he regret it with a start, but it was already too late.

‘…….’

She takes one more step back.

He wanted to follow her, but he couldn’t.

He wanted to beg her to look at him too, even though he was a nobody.

Since no one gave him a reply, his heart was pitch black and he tossed and turned all night.

And the next day, in front of the mother’s bedroom he visited to seek forgiveness. Unlike usual, the open closet was visible through the gap in the door. And between it, your feet, swaying whitely….