SWAP 92

It was a nonsensical situation.

There was no way a person who had died several years ago could be here.

Despite remembering that he had filled out the death certificate with his own hands, an odd chill surged through him. In his eerie state, the back of the hand gripping the blanket trembled violently.

As he remained frozen without giving any answer, clatter, the wardrobe shook once more. His stomach churned, feeling as if the door might burst open at any second. As he hurriedly covered his mouth with his palm, the voice leaked through the crack of the door again.

WhatareyoudoingItoldyoutoopenthedoor

Mythroathurtssomuchthatswhy

CantyouhearMom?Areyougoingtobedisobedientagain?Whatonearthisyourproblemanyway

Creak. The sound of nails scratching hard against the solid wood disorganized his eardrums. The words, which followed one after another without a single space, were all too familiar. At that point, Seoul had no choice but to realize naturally.

Ah, this is a dream.

He hadn’t woken up; he was still asleep.

He inhaled forcefully, noting that it had been so long since he last had a nightmare that his recognition was delayed. When he traced back why he was suddenly having such a dream, a scene came to mind without much difficulty.

A mother’s passing. With just that one word, he had dragged back someone who had been buried in the ground. It was unbelievable, but true. There are memories like that. No matter how cleanly you disinfect and sew them up, they are festering again the moment you turn around. Even if you excise the affected area because the oozing fluid is disgusting, you eventually suffer from phantom pain… things like that.

For Seoul, that was this very moment.

His head throbbed as he realized his “affected area” was inside the wardrobe.

Back then, it was a scene he witnessed every single day without fail, but it wasn’t so anymore. Because he hadn’t had any dreams for a while, he had let his guard down. As if sensing Seoul’s realization, the voice continued once more. It was the criticism and resentment he had heard enough times for it to be ingrained in him.

Whatontheearthistheproblem?Whereelseisthereachildasluckyasyou?Doyouknowhowmanybenefitshavebeengiventoyoujustbybeingbornintoawealthyfamilywithahealthybody?IalwaysfellyoubutwhydontyouknowthatIfyoubehavesoselfishlywhatwillpeoplesayhuh?Itheonlyonewhogetscriticizedbecauseofyou

SeoulMomreallywantstodieeverytimethathappensyouknow?

DoyouwantMomtodie?Why?DoyouthinkIcantdieagainbecauseImalreadyddead?

Words that were once like a creed.

Seoul felt his heart sink at the plea of the person he had loved most in the world. He could not deny, then or now, that he was born lucky and enjoyed many things. However, he now knew that her method of education was wrong.

How terrible threats made using death as a hostage are.

Repeating that to himself, he stood up from the bed where he had been sitting as if pinned.

With every step toward the wardrobe, his chest felt chilled, but this was a significant improvement. Recalling the past when he had crawled on the floor like an insect, apologizing for his faults, he finally reached the front of the wardrobe.

At one time, it was painful enough to die from, but it was already something that had happened over a decade ago. Contrary to Saheon’s concern, Seoul had become quite stoic now. Thinking that he couldn’t cling to this forever even for his own sake, he brought his hand over the rattling wardrobe. He had no intention of opening it. He intended to keep what was closed, closed, and soothe it by saying they should forgive each other now.

However, as if sensing his intent, the woman who had been digging in her nails and demanding he open the door suddenly cackled and pressed her lips close to the crack of the door.

As if she had peered into his hidden shame long ago.

Butsonhowareyouanydifferentfromme

HowiswhatyouredoinganydifferentfromwhatIdid

Watchinghimbeingupsetdidn’tyoufeelrelievedoneday

Let’sstopLet’sseparateyouonlysaythatwithyourmouthbutinsideyou’retremblingwithfearthatyou’llreallybeabandonedsoyoucheriishhisreactionsTellmeactuallyyouhavenointentionofleavinghimright?

It felt as if his lower abdomen had been stabbed by a blade that flew in without warning. The sincerity he had tried to swallow and ignore was suddenly grabbed by the hair and dragged out. Seoul, faltering, took a step back instinctively. He wanted to deny it, saying it wasn’t like that, but strangely his lips wouldn’t move.

Was it so?

It seemed that on some days, it might have been like that.

However, the heart that wanted to move forward together was also sincere. He wanted to properly place the things that boy had missed into his hands, and he always prayed that he would become happy without a single scar. But the thing inside the wardrobe opened its mouth wide and whispered as if it found him pitiful.

That’sbecauseyou’rejustlikeyourMom

WhatshouldIdowithyoumypoorson

NowthatI’mdeadtooI’msureyouwanttostoppretendingtobegoodright?

Youwanttowieldhisliifeasmessyashitisbecauseofyouanywayright?

The voice contained mockery that she couldn’t hide in time.

Before he could answer, he hurriedly covered his mouth against the churning in his stomach.

He wanted to shake his head and say he never felt that way, but he couldn’t. It was because he realized he had for a moment affirmed that it might be so. Simultaneously with that recognition, an unbearable sense of nausea surged. Cold sweat poured down his back enough to make it damp, and he bent at the waist as if collapsing. His own inner thoughts, which he hadn’t known, were disgusting. As he prostrated himself, trembling at the dull pain stabbing his chest, a wheezing laughter poured down over his head.

The wardrobe door rattled again. He was cowering his shoulders while glancing at it as it shook fiercely as if it would really burst open this time, when a warm body temperature reached him along with an urgent voice from somewhere. And at the same time, he collapsed onto the floor.

“—eoul!”

His eyes flew open.

As he opened his eyes while trembling, the same scenery as before unfolded. Seoul, who sparsely scanned the ceiling and furniture that had become familiar over the past week, gasped for breath. The stabbing dull pain had vanished, but his whole body was damp. When he frowned because he couldn’t properly clear his mind, a low voice was heard as if it had been waiting.

“Are you okay?”

“Ah…”

Turning his head, he saw Saheon’s face looking down at him with concern.

Unlike a moment ago when he was left all alone, seeing Saheon guarding his side made his heart, which had been thumping as if it would explode, gradually slow its pace. Unable to tell if he had woken from the dream or not, he just blinked his eyes and realized several seconds later that this was reality.

Ah, it was a dream.

Even though he had been aware of it, his fingertips trembled violently once he actually returned to reality. Looking around, the surroundings were dark except for the mood lamp turned on atop the nightstand far away. He couldn’t tell what time it was. As he just gasped for breath without the presence of mind to ask, a warm palm was placed on his forehead. Saheon, while gently stroking his hair and skin which had become damp from sweat, spoke.

“I woke you up because it looked like you were having a nightmare.”

“…”

“I should have woken you up earlier.”

At the voice that sounded more dajeong than usual, Seoul’s gaze naturally headed toward the opposite side. Saheon’s bed, which usually didn’t have a single crease because Saheon had a habit of neatly tidying the bedding whenever he got up, was perfectly undisturbed. Seeing it look as though he hadn’t even lied down, Seoul realized. He had been by his side the whole time. He had been watching the entire time as if he knew this would happen.

“Ugh.”

Upon noticing that, the stomach that had barely settled churned again. As he hurriedly covered his mouth, Saheon, noticing Seoul’s condition, quickly got up from the floor and raised Seoul’s lying body. Do you feel like you’re going to throw up? The softly asking voice felt somewhat distant. Even before he could nod, Saheon, who almost half-carried Seoul’s body, stepped out into the hallway in an instant. Then they entered the bathroom right in front of them together and he quickly closed the door.

Even though they had already removed their microphones, just in case, he turned the sink faucet up to the maximum. Leaving behind the sound of water filling the space fiercely, Saheon led Seoul and whispered while gently patting his back.

“You can throw up now.”

“Heugh, go out…”

“Why. You can’t do it well?”

That wasn’t the problem. Because it was a sight he absolutely did not want to show, he raised a hand that lacked strength and pushed Saheon’s arm away. As he muttered frantically for him to get out quickly, Saheon, who hesitated for a moment, soon stuck a span closer behind his back and held Seoul’s cheek.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s dirty, ugh…”

“I said it’s okay…”

Say ‘Ah’. Simultaneously with those words, a thick finger was pushed into his mouth. Since the years they had known each other spanned a lifetime, there was no way Saheon didn’t know the sensitive temperament of Lee Seoul. Knowing that Seoul would lock himself in the bathroom and sob alone when under extreme stress, Saheon couldn’t leave him alone. Whispering all sorts of reasons like what if he collapsed and hit his head on the tiles, he rubbed Seoul’s tongue. As saliva tangled on the fingertips, the small head flinched.