ORCA 20

“Young master…. Young master, I, I…. I am here. Why, heuk….”

The answer given to him was silence.

Niah was powerless. No matter what happened to him, he had no other choice but to indiscriminately apologize for being wrong. To Niah, this was a punishment. It was surely a great punishment he was receiving for doing something wrong. Otherwise, there was no way the young master would suddenly be like this.

He searched his memory, wandering to find the reason. But no matter how hard he tried to recall, nothing came to mind. All he had were the happy memories of the young master holding him tightly in his embrace. At least, that was what remained in his head. If his foolish self had committed a wrong and forgotten about it, he wished he would be called closer and scolded instead. Being left alone like this was too painful.

Niah, after sobbing for a long time, soon left the central area. In the meantime, he had forgotten all about the things he had to do or had planned to do. All he could think about was the need to meet Orca.

He quickened his pace and headed for the distillery. He thought that maybe he would open the door if he brought the tea set. Even if he could not enter on his own, it seemed like it would be alright if he used the excuse of serving tea. It was a simple conclusion. However, this too soon lost its hope.

“Niah? Are you okay? Did something happen?”

“Ha, Harriet…. Um, I was going to the young master, I, uh….”

Harriet, who had been deliberately waiting in the distillery, patted Niah on the back. It was pitiful to see him trembling and tear-streaked today, after he had come to her yesterday, covered in blood, asking for medicine.

There was a lot she did not know about Niah. This was because she did not get to see him much except when preparing for the afternoon tea time. She had heard a few things through the other servants, but they were all malicious gossip, so she paid them little mind. Judging solely by what the servants said in unison, Niah was nothing more and nothing less than a ‘stupid goldfish.’

This made Harriet even more concerned about Niah. Although she had not been employed as a mansion servant for long, she could easily tell that Niah was being severely ostracized. On top of that, it seemed he was being bullied just as much, no, even more severely, by the young master who was said to have returned after a long time, to the point where she was worried all day. She wanted to protect Niah, who was like her own youngest brother, as much as possible.

“Is it because of the young master’s pre-breakfast tea? You do not have to go today. No, you do not have to go for a while.”

“What? Wh, why?”

“He said not to come. So you do not have to go. How about that, isn’t that nice?”

“Uh…. So why…. Why? Just why….”

“Well, I do not know the reason either…. Bailey came by earlier and said so. Anyway, you do not have to go at all until the young master gives an order. Isn’t that a relief.”

Harriet, who had firmly misunderstood, smiled brightly. She was convinced that Niah was crying because he did not want to go to Orca. She firmly believed in her own assumption.

“Let’s go eat together today. Stop crying now. I am telling you, you do not have to go to the young master, okay?”

Niah moved his legs as Harriet led him. He could not think of anything. The thought that he would not have to go to the young master from now on, that he could not go at all, was horrifying. It was the moment he realized that his conceited belief that they could be together until he left was all his own delusion.

If he had known it would turn out like this, he would have forgotten everything from the beginning. A happy memory that would eventually be forgotten was indeed a luxury for someone like him. Since he had been hated by the young master, he could not even wait for him to come back again. Even if he did come back, he would not be able to remember anyway.

Then the young master would surely dislike him, just like the other servants. He might even curse at him, calling him a stupid goldfish. Perhaps he was not opening the door right now because he had grown to dislike his stupid self.

“Niah, you have to stop now. Okay? What is wrong, were you that scared of the young master?”

Harriet soothed Niah as if he were her own youngest brother. She stroked his shoulder with a worried expression.

Niah regretted that it would have been better to forget everything about the young master, and only let tears fall drop by drop. Sorrow flowed from between his trembling lips. His throat ached terribly from habitually forcing back his tears. His mind, completely filled with the young master, was unbearably heavy.

He grew to hate himself immensely for having learned what it felt like to be happy and excited without knowing his place. Being a stupid goldfish was of no help at times like this. On the contrary, it only became clearer, and he could not forget for a single moment.

He wanted to be held by the young master and beg for his forgiveness. He wanted to be with him, at least until he left. The regret that it would have been better to forget everything was, in fact, all a lie. If he could, he wanted to run away from this sorrow right now and flee into the young master’s arms.

Of course, he knew he should not. And because he knew, he could not stop crying even more. He did not want to hear the words “do not come anymore” directly from the young master.

Even after sweeping through the hunting grounds and killing dozens, the moment his desires were satisfied was, at best, fleeting. With a little pressure, their breath was cut off immediately, so there was no time to enjoy anything. The servants who followed him would bury the mountain-like pile of animal carcasses in the ground, trembling in fear the whole time. They would grovel with eyes full of conviction that he would one day murder them.

That suspicion was uncomfortable. He sometimes wondered if he should just grant one of them their wish. He was always willing to make their suspicions a reality. It would certainly be more enjoyable than killing deer or wild dogs.

The reason he did not was purely because he did not want to create troublesome matters. It was by no means to uphold the minimal sense of morality or decorum that had been forced upon him, almost to the level of brainwashing, since childhood. Above all, if his parents were to lecture him on morality, they should not have been releasing new animals every time the hunting grounds were empty. He was infuriated by how they treated only him as if he were peculiar, despite that.

In any case, the noble reputation of the Ware family came from acts of merciless killing. The reason he was now being praised for slaughtering the soldiers of the invading nation was based on the same principle.

The Ware family was one of the houses that produced members of the Border Guard and the Imperial Knights. Everyone born into the clan had the mission to be more outstanding than those of other families. They only valued obtaining high positions, standing above others, and enhancing the family’s honor. No one raised any objections to this. Including himself, none of them were normal.

When he first realized that there were welcome deaths, a sense of amusement preceded joy. The ambiguous moral view that killing people was taboo but killing beasts was readily permitted became even more pathetic. Apart from that, it was a good thing for him, who was suffering from frustration. In terms of results, that was the case.

Thus, on the border between just and unjust death, he had always been an ambiguous murderer, and realizing that made peace even more boring. The excitement and stimulation he wanted were not here, in Rosselphia. He had only stopped by with the intention of staying for three or four days at most and then leaving. If it were not for the letters that arrived once a week, he might never have come at all. He hated troublesome things.

By the time he came to his senses, so much time had passed that his arrival at the mansion felt distant. Even after realizing that, he did not feel like going back. An unresolved desire was shackling him and would not let him go.

He had not expected the situation to become so twisted. Of course, even if he had known in advance, it was uncertain whether he would have made a different choice that day. Perhaps it was because he knew that he could not bear not to go to the lake. The trivial memory of scooping up the naked goldfish and holding it up to the moonlight was enough to make him hungry and whet his appetite. It was a frighteningly unfamiliar reaction.

Small and weak things that crumbled easily were annoying existences. Their frail bodies were like withered fallen leaves, scattering and losing their shape even with a light step. They were so delicate that they seemed they would end their lives without delay if one so much as flicked a finger. This did not spark any interest in him. They were far from enough to satisfy his desires, which were always at their limit. It was not fun.

The goldfish was the same. He would be sick for two whole days just from being in the night air, or his wrist would get reddish bruises just from being grabbed. At a single word from him, he would startle, burst into tears, and grovel without hesitation. He was even terrified when he was not doing anything at all.

On top of that, when it became too much for him to handle on his own, even his memories would become a mess. In the vegetable garden, he failed to recognize him even when he was right in front of him, and yesterday, he had completely lost his mind. This weak-hearted goldfish was nothing more than a form of amusement, something to briefly ventilate the tedious days at the mansion. He was nothing but a small, weak, and insignificant being. There was no way he would not be annoying.

“Young master…. Young master, I, I…. I am here. Why, heuk….”

And yet, for that damp voice coming from beyond the door to feel so pitiful, he must be insane.

Orca, who had sent Niah back last night, immediately drew a clear line. It was a physical line created by engaging the lock. He chose the most appropriate method to push away the small predator that was trying to invade and reign over his territory. It was a simple solution befitting a cowardly goldfish. There was no way he would have the courage to break through it. Before that, he also did not forget to call a servant and nip it in the bud. Being swayed by someone was not his forte.

“…….”

Orca, sitting on the edge of the bed, looked at the bathroom door. He had been awake long before Niah knocked on the door.

The excited footsteps approaching his room from the end of the 4th-floor hallway, the movements of him pacing, unable to hide his bewilderment, the pathetic calls, the anxious, raspy voice, the hurried movements struggling to cross the hallway to reach him, the words mixed with sobbing sounds, and despite all that, his moving away without being able to pull the doorknob—he had been feeling it all, sitting in the same place. Without any response, without any action, he just moved his gaze and concentrated, following the direction of the sound.

Niah, as Orca had expected, did not break through the final line. He did not even try, fearing it would not open, just like the locked room door. The closed bathroom door felt like a high, solid wall.

But to Orca, it was nothing more than a selfish excuse. Whether he opened the door and came in or not, the choice was solely Niah’s. It was an opportunity deliberately left loosely, with the intention of defending himself no matter what choice Niah made.

There were a total of two doors leading to the bathroom. One connected to the room, and one connected to the hallway. The lock was only on the inside of the bathroom, so it could not be locked from the outside. It was a structure where it was impossible to lock both bathroom doors at the same time unless one was inside the bathroom. So, if Niah had wanted to open it, he could have.

“Whatever.”

Orca’s gaze remained stubbornly fixed on the place where Niah had stayed and then left. He had drawn the line himself, yet he could not explain what he had hoped for by leaving room for possibility.

Only silence continued in the empty bathroom. The excited goldfish, who he had expected to peek his head in and call for him, was also nowhere to be seen. The cowardly goldfish ran far away as soon as he was chased off. It was a matter of course.

A gentle ripple stirred in the room, submerged in darkness and silence. At one flap of the goldfish’s fins, his chest felt empty. All that remained was the question of what it would have been like if he had flung open the door and run to him with a crying face. He could not accept this version of himself.

Corn soup was served on the neatly arranged table. The ivory-colored soup, made with cream, had a soft and savory smell. Orca wrinkled his nose subtly and fiddled with the smooth silver spoon. He did not feel much like eating. Just a moment ago, his stomach had felt empty, but in front of proper food, his appetite had completely disappeared. He thought he must have gone well and truly mad.

“Orca. What happened to your hand?”

“It is nothing.”

“I have been hearing several bad rumors. Do not scare the servants unnecessarily and just take it easy. You must be tired too, having not rested all this time.”

Orca, picking up the spoon placed on the left side of the plate in consideration of his injured hand, stirred the soup instead of answering. His eyes went straight to Bailey, who was standing behind his mother.

Bailey, who had lowered his head to avoid the chilly gaze, bit his lip. He suddenly regretted having chattered like a canary in response to the mistress’s question. It was his own fault for not being able to control his itchy tongue and blurting everything out, even after seeing Andrian hiding to avoid the young master’s notice and Pepe looking anxious about something since the incident in the vegetable garden.

He was also quite concerned about Niah, who had been crying his eyes out throughout breakfast this morning, and Luan, whose attitude had changed somehow. All the servants who got involved with the young master were not in a good state. Bailey became slightly worried that he too would join their ranks. Since he did not know when the young master would be leaving, he had no choice but to be careful from now on.

“By the way, I am thinking of throwing a party soon, what do you think? The family members who are at the town house were very curious about you too. It has been three years since you last returned, so it is understandable. It will be a good chance to see each other after a long time…. Plus, it is your birthday soon, so we can do it for both occasions.”

“Do as you please. You are going to do it anyway.”

“Yes. You need to rest like this sometimes too. Then I should invite people from other families as well.”

Orca replied indifferently, just stirring his soup. While he was half-listening to the uninteresting conversation, the soup bowl, from which he had not taken a single bite, was cleared away, and a duck dish with glistening fat filled the empty space.

He took in the sight of the golden-brown roasted meat. Still, no appetite arose. He had only suddenly become curious about the well-being of the goldfish, who could not even eat his own meals properly. Once he thought of it, the curiosity spread uncontrollably, eventually leading him to imagine absurd things.

The round head resting its cheek on his thigh was vivid. The voice calling ‘Young master, young master,’ while bursting into a ticklish hehe laugh, sounded like a hallucination. In his palm, he could feel the soft skin and curly hair. In his nose, he could smell the gentle scent of skin, like wildflowers. As if that were not enough, the light weight of him burrowing into his embrace settled on his legs as if it were real.

Even though he had gotten the goldfish out of his sight, the situation did not improve. It actually got worse. His mind must have gone haywire. If getting him out of his sight did not solve it, he could just secretly swallow him, and that would be the end of it. It was no big deal.

The problem was himself, who did not want to do that. No, it was true that he wanted to swallow him in one gulp, but that did not directly translate to wanting to kill him. This desire was neither the instinct that had been inherent in him until now, nor the aftermath of reason that had been suppressing that instinct. He was just confused about what to do to quell this unknown emotion.

Orca, leaving the orange-colored hallucination behind, came out of the dining hall and, after a moment of thought, went to the study. With the intention of driving the goldfish out of his head, he randomly picked up a book and read it. Black letters poured down on the goldfish.

The goldfish, flattened by a few lines of a love poem that was far from his taste, soon disappeared. For a moment, a single gust of wind passed through his chest, which had been as stuffy as if bound by iron chains. However, this method also quickly became useless because of the goldfish, who would not give up quietly and kept flopping its body, flop, flop.

The goldfish diligently cleared away the letters and showed its face again. The hehe-ing expression had now become completely sulky.

“…I have lost my mind.”

Orca flipped the page carelessly. It seemed to be a collection of only love poems, because no matter where he opened it, only passages confessing overwhelming feelings while longing for someone came into view. The letters began to pour down again. The goldfish covered the top of its head with both hands and whined, tears falling drop by drop.

‘Young master. It hurts. Please do not. Okay?’

A tearful voice reached him.

“…I am crazy.”