HL 62

Heh, how strange, Ying Yusheng thought.

The wound on his abdomen had healed completely two years ago, so why was it starting to ache again now?

Ying Yusheng’s glasses were askew, and one lens was cracked with a web of fine lines. So he took off his glasses and held them in his hand.

Without the lenses in the way, his eyes appeared exceptionally clear and exceptionally calm, meeting Xu Nanxiao’s fierce glare directly.

After all this time here, he finally saw Xu Nanxiao’s face clearly for the first time.

“I didn’t hypnotize anyone around you, Nanxiao, and I won’t hypnotize anyone around you ever again. I just wanted to come see you.”

“Send flowers? Send cake? All day long… all day long just standing there watching! You haunt your way all the way here, just for this?!” Xu Nanxiao’s roar grew louder and louder.

“If not that, Nanxiao?” Ying Yusheng suddenly smiled. “Where should I go? And what else could I possibly do?”

Xu Nanxiao seemed suddenly pierced by those words.

He bent over abruptly, drove his hands into his own hair, and yanked at it violently, a crushed gurgle escaping from his throat. The braced fury collapsed in an instant, revealing the bottomless exhaustion and fear lurking beneath.

“Get lost…” his lips trembled as he repeated, “Get lost… Ying Yusheng, I’m begging you… can you just get the hell out?”

“I’m sick of you, is that so hard to understand? Before you came, I was doing great, I was really happy. Why do you have to come and make me miserable?!”

The expression on Ying Yusheng’s face seemed to have been lightly tapped by something, a faint crack appearing in its shell.

The curve of his lips still maintained an upward tilt, but it was stiff, while the light in his eyes dimmed and slowly scattered away.

What to do, Nanxiao, Ying Yusheng thought.

I’m the complete opposite of you. It was only after coming to this small town that I gradually began to find peace.

Over those two years, the agitation that had nearly torn him apart faded, and he could finally catch his breath. He bought groceries every day, cooked for himself, taught, exercised, slept… his life was as regular as a pre-set program, but it was far better than his previous state of utter chaos.

Just by staying near this person, without even being able to exchange a word, he truly didn’t feel as miserable anymore.

…

“How’d you sleep?”

Ying Yusheng’s reactions were always a beat slow now. He suddenly realized someone was speaking to him, paused briefly, then looked up and smiled at the white male in front of him.

He said: “I haven’t slept this well in years. I really appreciate you flying all the way from the States.”

“During these two weeks of spring break, I’ll be in China and available for treatment at any time. However, hypnosis can only temporarily relieve the symptoms. You still need to work things out in your own mind and not put too much pressure on yourself.”

“Alright, my sincere thanks.”

The therapist looked at his face and remembered the scene when he first arrived at this house.

The living room, thanks to the housekeeper tidying up, was still presentable. But once he entered Ying Yusheng’s room, he found it in complete disarray. The bed was piled with clothes that clearly didn’t belong to Ying Yusheng’s style. In the dim light, he was curled up sleeping among them, like a bird building a nest.

The therapist pulled his thoughts back, was silent for a moment, and then suddenly asked: “That person you can’t forget—did you go to see him afterward?”

“No.”

“Go see him. Even if it’s just from a distance, the situation might change.”

Ying Yusheng didn’t answer. Instead, he gently pressed his hand against his abdomen and shook his head: “Teacher, you know, when he stabbed me, after the blade went in, he turned it ninety degrees.”

“…”

“I don’t know why, but more than the stabbing itself, it’s that twist I can’t seem to let go of.”

“You think he didn’t do it simply to escape, but more to vent his anger.”

“Yes, without a doubt.”

“You didn’t expect him to hate you that much, and you’re afraid to face his hatred again.”

“…Yes, without a doubt.”

“So you know where he is?”

“Mm, I have a general idea. He mentioned before that he would take me there.”

The therapist watched him silently, finally set down his pen and paper, pinched the bridge of his nose, and let out a sigh. “When Ying Baiying asked me to come, she said you’d had hyperventilation fainting spells several times. I didn’t believe it. You yourself majored in psychology, graduated with all A+’s, and worked as a clinical psychologist in a hospital—how could you…”

“How could I use such a stupid way to achieve my goal?” Ying Yusheng laughed and finished the sentence.

“No, how could your thinking and actions be like those of an untrained normal person?”

Ying Yusheng was slightly stunned.

As he saw the therapist off, Ying Yusheng was still mulling over that sentence. He closed the door, slowly walked to the window, and sat down, watching the bustling street outside.

Everywhere were ordinary people—vague faces, commonplace clothes, pushed forward by life, merging into a gray, flowing backdrop, with no one giving anyone else a second glance.

Precisely because everyone was ordinary, they laughed, they cried, they felt content, they felt disappointed.

They did what they knew was impossible, regretted what they couldn’t have, read widely without self-reflection, and rushed toward what they knew was futile.

Ying Yusheng had never been like this before.

So this was what he had once most wanted to become: an ordinary person.

Just as the atmosphere was at its most tense, Ye Qiaozi suddenly pushed the door open and called out cautiously, “Xu Ge…”

Xu Nanxiao’s body froze. After a moment, he roughly shoved Ying Yusheng away and knelt in place.

Ying Yusheng looked at him, offered no defense, and only softly said, “Mm, I’m sorry,” before getting up and leaving alone.

Ye Qiaozi, still shaken, watched Ying Yusheng’s figure disappear into the stairwell across the way.

She turned back and saw Xu Nanxiao still motionless, so she walked over and tentatively asked, “Xu Ge, what exactly is going on between you two?”

Xu Nanxiao tousled his hair, let out a heavy sigh at last, braced his hands on his knees, and stood up, saying, “I’ll tell you guys when we drink tonight.”

That evening at the barbecue joint, Xu Nanxiao said nothing at first, downing an entire large glass of beer in one go. The trio watched him without blinking, but none dared to urge him on.

Over the next stretch of time, Xu Nanxiao told them everything—all the messy details between him and Ying Yusheng—without any embellishment or alteration.

He had thought it through clearly: if these three couldn’t accept that he’d slept with a man before, then he would leave and find another path. He wouldn’t blame them either; after all, in this traditional, remote border town, going back a dozen years or so, homosexuals would have been paraded through the streets.

A deathly silence hung over the table.

It was Liu Zhuo who spoke first: “Fuck, I never thought that Ying guy, with his high-and-mighty look, would turn out to be such an animal! And he teaches kids? Is he even fit for that?!”

“I’m going to find him right now and tell him to get lost!” Liang Sihua, even more indignant, slapped the table and stood up. “Let him dare show his face in front of us again!”

“Hey, don’t make things worse!” Ye Qiaozi immediately pulled him back. “If this blows up, it’ll make Xu Ge look bad too! This place is still pretty conservative! I know you’re angry, and I’m angry too, but we can’t just barge over there and start a scene!”

“Then what do we do? Just let him hang around in front of us? I feel sick just looking at him now!”

Seeing the three of them chattering away, Xu Nanxiao was completely dumbfounded. It took him a long while to snap out of it, and then he said, “Don’t get involved in my business with him. I’ll handle it myself. Besides, he’s vindictive—you guys wouldn’t be able to deal with him.”

Since Xu Nanxiao himself had said so, they ultimately decided to respect his wishes.

Seeing that mentioning Ying Yusheng had put Xu Nanxiao in a bad mood, Liu Zhuo changed the subject and tried to lighten the atmosphere: “But I didn’t expect you to be so badass—a big star, keeping it all under wraps, Nanxiao! Can I sell your autograph for money?”

“Yeah! Holy shit, the number one boxer in China, and I actually got to know him! I’m gonna brag about this for the rest of my life!”

Liang Sihua also joked, “I was wondering why Nanxiao is so good-looking and so disciplined—turns out he doesn’t like women.”

Mentioning that made Xu Nanxiao’s face darken. He thought to himself, Did I choose to be disciplined? I was made so I can’t even get it up for women anymore, goddammit.

“Who says that?” he denied in a huff. “Just because I’ve slept with a guy doesn’t mean I don’t like women anymore. I’m not some damn homosexual!”

“Ah, and here I thought Teacher Ying had a crush on me. Turned out to be a misunderstanding,” Ye Qiaozi sighed dramatically. “So now it’s just the three guys from the repair shop who are secretly in love with me.”

“Wait, who are the three guys from the repair shop?!”

“There aren’t any, okay!”

Watching them bicker and carry on, a warm current flowed through Xu Nanxiao’s heart. Although Ye Qiaozi always said, “Treat the shop like your own home, and have a spirit of dedication to the family,” at this moment, Xu Nanxiao felt that it really did seem a bit like home.

After that day, Ying Yusheng didn’t appear much in front of them anymore.

When it was Ye Qiaozi’s turn to open the shop, she noticed that the door of the tutoring center across the street was already open early. She figured Ying Yusheng must have deliberately staggered his schedule from theirs.

That prickly gaze also vanished. Whenever Ye Qiaozi looked up, she saw that the window where Ying Yusheng used to stand was now covered with thick curtains.

Completely sealing off inside from outside, turning them into two separate worlds.

Although Xu Nanxiao knew Ying Yusheng was still there, as long as he didn’t show up in front of him and get in the way, life could still muddle along.

Soon summer passed and autumn arrived, and in the blink of an eye, it was the Mid-Autumn Festival again.

Even though the crew joked that Ye Qiaozi was a heartless boss, she wasn’t heartless enough to make them work overtime on Mid-Autumn Festival.

The day before the holiday, Liu Zhuo and Liang Sihua had already taken off early, happily heading home for the reunion. Xu Nanxiao, on the other hand, had no expectations. He had neither a home nor anyone to reunite with. For him, Mid-Autumn Festival was just one extra ordinary day off.

On the contrary, because takeout and internet cafes were closed, the day was actually harder to get through than usual.

So on Mid-Autumn Festival, Xu Nanxiao didn’t get up until the afternoon.

The rental room was quiet, with only the occasional hum of the water pipes. He scratched his hair, slipped on his slippers, and went to wash up. The faucet was a bit rusty, and the water that came out had a metallic, rusty smell. He’d mentioned it to the landlord several times, but no one ever did anything about it.

The instant noodle box was empty. Xu Nanxiao crouched down and looked at it, flattened the empty box, and tucked it behind the door. He then took half a bag of frozen dumplings out of the fridge, couldn’t be bothered to count them, and dumped them all into the pot. When the water boiled, the dumplings tumbled up and down with the rolling water.

Just then, the Mid-Autumn Festival gala started on TV. Xu Nanxiao turned on the television to add some liveliness to the room. He didn’t pay close attention to the program, just kept his head down eating the dumplings. The wrappers were a bit thick, and the filling was too salty.

After finishing his meal, Xu Nanxiao piled the bowls and chopsticks in the sink. He sat on the edge of the bed, watching the sky outside gradually darken. Many windows in the building across the way were already lit, with swaying human figures reflected on the panes, making Xu Nanxiao’s side seem even more forlorn.

A few neighbor kids brought out the lanterns they’d paraded around during the Lantern Festival and took them out for another spin. The cheesy “Lantana” background music drifted in through the window. Xu Nanxiao could easily imagine what those lanterns looked like—plastic, painted in various colors, with a little handle. Ugly as hell; even kids in Beijing wouldn’t bother with that kind of thing anymore.

Just then, his phone suddenly rang. He looked down and saw an unfamiliar number.

Normally, Xu Nanxiao wouldn’t answer—he was sure it was a scam call. But since it was Mid-Autumn Festival and the scammers still had to work overtime, Xu Nanxiao suddenly felt a little sorry for them and was ready to chat for a bit.

However, when he picked up, a soft voice came from the other end: “Nanxiao…”