SATURDAY 49

“Just stay for a moment.”

With that, I thought he might be heading into the bathroom, and then I heard the sound of water. He’s going to wet a towel. Just as he always does.

“Mr. Taeseon, is your hand okay?”

“I can do it with one hand.”

An answer came back from inside the bathroom, his voice echoing slightly.

I lifted my upper body a bit to look down, then let out a sigh and brought my propped-up knees together. The sofa cover was already messy with semen and lubrication.

I wondered what the cleaning crew would think tomorrow. Before this, Mr. Taeseon and I mainly met at his house or at hotels. It took me six months just to stop feeling self-conscious around the employees at Mr. Taeseon’s house….

Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter since they’re people who will be replaced soon anyway.

Since he doesn’t know who informed Mother of the facts, Mr. Taeseon will likely try to replace the staff entirely. I felt sorry for them, but it was unavoidable.

“….”

Mr. Taeseon was taking a little long…. I waited, my lower half flinching uncomfortably from the wetness. After some time had passed, Mr. Taeseon came out of the bathroom with a composed face, carrying a warm, wet towel and a dry one.

Rather than wondering how he managed to wet the towel with one hand, I realized why it had taken so long the moment I saw him. Even without asking, I could feel it.

Mr. Taeseon approached nonchalantly and meticulously wiped my lower half, and I felt so embarrassed and apologetic that I wanted to run away.

After wiping away even the slight remaining moisture with the dry towel, he picked me up and also gathered my pants and underwear strewn on the floor. As he bent down and then straightened back up, I whispered softly into his ear.

“Why did you do it by yourself…. I, I could have used my mouth for you….”

At my words, Mr. Taeseon stumbled for a moment.

“…It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

“I do worry.”

He gave a small laugh and kissed my cheek. By now, I could hardly even remember the nightmare. The nightmare…? Hmm? I feel like I’ve forgotten something….

“Ah!”

“Yes?”

“Lili!”

“Meow… meoooow… ow… uuuu….”

Lili was tucked away under the bed, in a spot I couldn’t reach even if I stretched my arm in as far as possible, huddled into a tight ball. Naturally, he didn’t seem to be in a good mood. Since the last time I saw him was when he scurried away from my side, it meant I had left him alone under the bed for over an hour.

“I-I’m sorry, Lili. I forgot….”

“Meoooow!”

“Sorry, I’m really sorry. Come out here. Hmm?”

“Inyoung.”

While I was desperately calling for Lili, Mr. Taeseon, who had disappeared somewhere, returned with his hands full of things.

They were all cat toys.

“Where did you find these?”

“The people who installed the cat tower before left them, saying they were free gifts. They were in a drawer.”

Come to think of it, I believe that was the case. Back then, I was so out of it that I barely responded, just hoping they would finish the installation quickly and leave. There was no way I could have remembered what free gifts they gave.

“…Ah!”

It occurred to me belatedly. The installation technicians, with kind faces, had left a bunch of things, saying they were ‘toys cats go crazy for.’ I had hurriedly stuffed them into a conspicuous dresser, and after that, Lili had strangely hovered near that dresser, but I hadn’t known why.

I hadn’t even dared to think of opening the drawer. Since Mr. Taeseon was someone who got so angry if I touched even a small ornament, I was afraid of what he would say if I opened a drawer…. On the day the cat tower was installed, I was so dazed that I had simply done whatever.

I took one of the toys and called Lili while swaying it back and forth. Lili’s gaze, which had only been letting out sounds like “mew,” “squawk,” “nyang,” and “woo,” began to move. Then his eyes turned round, and when I tapped the toy against the floor, he came charging out with his front paws extended.

I played with Lili like that for about 20 minutes. The reason it was only 20 minutes was because I became exhausted and reached a state where I couldn’t do anything more. As I sprawled out on the floor, Lili approached and pressed down on my head with his front paws as if saying, ‘Meow?’ His claws caught slightly, and it was quite painful.

“Lili.”

It was Mr. Taeseon who scooped up Lili by his belly. He shooed Lili out of the room for a moment, closed the door, and then helped me change into pajamas. From outside, Lili let out a thunderous sound of protest.

I’d heard that cats naturally hate closed doors, and I wondered if Lili was slowly learning that. Since this was a house where all the doors were always closed, Lili had acted as if he didn’t think much of it until now.

Still, if all the doors in this house were open—ah, except for the rooms with important items…. For example, Mr. Taeseon’s study. Anyway, wouldn’t it be better if Lili’s activity range were wider?

Lost in such thoughts, Mr. Taeseon laid me down in the middle of the bed. As Mr. Taeseon bent down to kiss my forehead and stood back up, he suddenly seemed far away. I hurriedly grabbed the hem of Mr. Taeseon’s shirt.

“…Mr. Taeseon.”

“Yes? What is it.”

An infinitely tender voice returned. Ever since the miscarriage, I had been sleeping alone in the master bedroom. Because of that, I’d had many nightmares. Although what happened today was in the living room, and although I knew the reason why Mr. Taeseon slept in his own room instead of staying with me, I didn’t want to sleep alone just for today.

“Sleep with me….”

“….”

Mr. Taeseon stayed still for a moment before asking.

“Is that okay?”

Of course. When I nodded my head, Mr. Taeseon met my eyes and slowly bent down to embrace me cautiously. My body was tense at first, but within Mr. Taeseon’s arms, I gradually began to relax as I had before. Perhaps Mr. Taeseon felt it too, as something like a sigh of relief brushed past my ear.

“Yelp!”

“….”

“…He seems angry.”

“Yes….”

At Lili screaming persistently outside the door as if he couldn’t take it anymore, Mr. Taeseon finally approached the door.

“Mew-ae! Ang! Shriek! Byaaaa! Me-kyung!”

…Lili… is a cat, right?

Sometimes I do think his cries are quite different from the cats I’ve seen before…. But since that tiny baby couldn’t be another animal, he must be a cat. Above all, doesn’t his small and cute appearance make him look like a kitten to anyone who sees him?

Click. As the door opened, Lili came running in while shouting.

“Meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-aeng-aeng-ang!”

He seemed to be protesting in a fury over something, and I felt sorry that I couldn’t understand him since the time I’d spent with Lili was still short. Mr. Taeseon picked up Lili, who was scratching at the bed, and placed him on top of it this time as well. Lili paced around me as I lay leaning against the pillow, scolding me several times.

“Yes, sorry, I won’t close the door anymor….”

e, I was about to say, but then I fell into thought for a moment.

Mr. Taeseon tilted his head and asked, “Why?”

“No, I was going to promise not to close the door, but I don’t think I can….”

“The door?”

“Yes…. This is the m-master bedroom, after all.”

“….”

Soon, Mr. Taeseon also seemed to understand my words and fell silent.

“True, I can’t promise not to close this bedroom door.”

The tips of Mr. Taeseon’s ears were a bit red as he said that. Also, as if he understood our words, Lili let out a dissatisfied ‘Yelp!’ His tail flicked back and forth, and he really did seem angry. He looks just like a baby getting mad after listening to the adults’ conversation.

‘Baby….’

I reflexively touched my stomach. I still didn’t feel a sense of yearning. I wondered if I was strange for being like this, but I had no sense of reality and only felt a sense of loss.

Mother came and cried and wailed as if I were going through some immense ordeal, but actually, I don’t think it was to that extent. It was only 12 weeks.

I looked into various things afterward, and they say miscarriages up to the 12th week are very common. Seeing as I didn’t need further treatment and had no major aftereffects, I was a lucky case.

Mr. Taeseon didn’t say a single word about the miscarriage. He is likely waiting until I am mentally prepared. But regardless of mental preparation or whatever, I feel like I’m truly okay. Am I wrong to be like this?

Whether he realized I was lost in thought, Lili suddenly became quiet, and Mr. Taeseon quietly stroked my hair with his uninjured hand. Perhaps he felt something seeing me stroke my stomach.

He had received a very cold look from the professor of obstetrics. Professor Min told me separately later that she finds miscarriages in cases like this to be the most tragic and uncomfortable. She said it was no different from domestic violence.

No, it was just a misunderstanding, I had defended Mr. Taeseon that way, but only an expression of pity returned. It seemed she didn’t believe me.

But, Mr. Taeseon couldn’t help this matter either.

I cautiously placed my hand over Mr. Taeseon’s injured hand and asked. Although he hadn’t answered me earlier….

“What on earth happened to your hand? Did something happen?”

“Hmm….”

Mr. Taeseon made a troubled face. When I expressed my bewilderment, he gave a bitter smile and spoke in a slow voice.

“Would it be okay if I didn’t tell you this? I want to tell you everything…. But I feel like telling you this would become an excuse for myself.”