SATURDAY 13

I couldn’t say a word for a moment and just kept my mouth shut. It was a bad habit of mine to have my mind go blank and become unable to speak whenever I was being interrogated or scolded. I always end up getting into more trouble because of this. Even so, I haven’t been able to fix it. Even my aching fingertips turned cold.

Mr. Taeseon increased the car’s speed slightly as if he were frustrated. The vroom of the engine sound seemed to be rushing me.

“Th-that is.”

A heavily cracked and trembling voice flowed out of my mouth. It was a sound that was unpleasant even to my own ears.

“Actually…, well… at the hospital, they said.”

“….”

“Due to the shock of the accident, th-there is confusion regarding my personality.”

“Confusion?”

“That I, I mistake myself for Inyoung…. Ugh!”

The car came to a halt on the roadside as he slammed on the brakes noisily. The seatbelt tightened firmly against my body, and I jolted forward before being thrown back into the seat.

Reflexively, I grabbed the carrier. Lili, who must have rolled around inside, let out a sharp hiss.

The cars driving behind us honked their horns in protest as they quickly brushed past us.

The car, stopped in the middle of the Han River Bridge, growled lowly. It was as if it were representing the angry heart of Mr. Taeseon.

I turned my head to look out the window as if avoiding Mr. Taeseon’s eyes. The black river water flowing leisurely was peaceful and beautiful, in contrast to the current situation.

“I’m sor-ry, but… it’s something that can’t be helped, and even at the hospital, they said it’s something that can happen with twins, and th-they don’t know how long it will continue….”

I couldn’t look at Mr. Taeseon. However, his figure was reflected in the glass window. He had a cold expression and was slowly tapping the steering wheel with his fingers.

“So, I’m supposed to be swayed by your mental illness?”

“….”

I had said everything I could. I had never been clearly diagnosed at the hospital as having a breakdown. There had just been a bit of a commotion on the first day I woke up.

As for whether it’s possible for twins… in fact, I didn’t know this well either. These were just words I had scrambled together as they came out of my mouth.

I was at the point of being terrified of when and how the aftereffects of what I just said would come back to haunt me.

But, I wanted to calm Mr. Taeseon down somehow. The pheromones emitted by the enraged him began to fill the car. That unfamiliar, sharp energy felt like it was strangling my throat.

I only found out today that Mr. Taeseon could pour out such threatening pheromones. It strangely brought about a sorrowful feeling.

I barely suppressed the urge to have my eyes well up with tears. If I went as far as crying here, I can’t even imagine how angry I would make Mr. Taeseon.

I stared out the window to hold back the tears. The black river water, holding the brilliant lights of the city, wavered like scales, and in the distance, subways with brightly lit windows crossed each other on the iron bridge. I felt as if I could faintly hear the clatter-clatter sound.

“You really are doing everything you can.”

“….”

My hand went toward the carrier without me realizing it. I quietly toyed with Lili before lowering my head to look. He still had that ridiculous appearance with his face poked all the way out.

Since we were inside the car, it should be fine, I thought, and opened the carrier just a little. I put my hand inside and stroked Lili, and Lili let out a small mew.

When I removed my hand, startled by Lili’s cry echoing in the silent car, he cried out even louder as if scolding me for being dissatisfied.

“I-I’m sorry.”

When I apologized while hurriedly zipping up the carrier, Lili became quiet as if sulking, and Mr. Taeseon just turned his head.

Feeling his gaze, I unintentionally looked at the window. Through the window, which had darkened and was reflecting the interior of the car, my eyes met his exactly. His gaze was sunk deep like the river water, and his expression was one I was seeing for the first time.

There were so many sides of Lee Taeseon that I didn’t know. They were sides I would have preferred not to know if possible.

No, I would have found out eventually, but not in this form.

I suppose I’ll have to live with this version of Mr. Taeseon from now on. The thought made my chest feel tight, and a feeling similar to anxiety surged in.

“I hope there will be as little reason as possible to speak with you.”

“….”

My heart sank. It probably meant he didn’t want to hear me speak in “my way.”

“Yoon Inha.”

“….”

“Aren’t you going to answer?”

“…Yes.”

I didn’t want to answer. Because I’m not Inha. Moreover, if it was Mr. Taeseon calling me, I wanted to answer even less.

“Is it fun pretending to be the younger brother you killed?”

“….”

“You have everything. By stealing Inyoung’s things. But now you’ve killed Inyoung, and you even want to gain favor from me by pretending to be Inyoung?”

I became unable to say anything again. My head drooped involuntarily. My mind went blank as if escaping. In a state of being a blank slate, I was crushed by a vast and immense darkness.

Mr. Taeseon irritably pressed the hazard lights off and grabbed the steering wheel. The car moved forward smoothly again, unlike when it came to a halt. Since there weren’t many cars, it was easy to merge into the lane.

I looked ahead to distract myself. The car in front was a fairly high-end sports car, and its rear view was unique. The wing flared up, the sleek body, the flashy logo placed right in the middle as if showing off, and the busily blinking brake lights….

“The reason I’m not killing you is.”

“….”

“Firstly, because Inyoung won’t come back even if I kill you.”

Perhaps because of the settled darkness, the yellow, slightly chipped rear light looked somewhat unusual compared to the clean body without a single scratch….

“Secondly…. It’s because I want to teach you that a life where death is better actually exists.”

Lili cried.

Lili’s face was turned toward Mr. Taeseon. It was as if he were reproaching Mr. Taeseon for speaking that way. However, from Mr. Taeseon’s perspective, it was a thought he could easily have. I suddenly found it unbearable.

I died.

Mr. Taeseon was left alone.

Even if I say I am your Inyoung, there is no way he would believe me. That I possessed Inha’s body… he wouldn’t believe it. From the beginning, he had been repulsed even at the mention that there was a shaman who looked after matters for our family.

The things he said when he brought up the idea of taking me to our new home early were, of course, all made up. To begin with, Mr. Taeseon is a person who harbors doubts even about minor superstitious acts, such as sprinkling salt when returning from a funeral, let alone a shaman.

He had a realistic personality to begin with, and after hearing that our family was swayed by a single word from the Bodhisattva, he now absolutely loathed such things.

I also thought about what it would be like to talk about the memories Mr. Taeseon and I shared. But he would just think that “Inha” heard it from “Inyoung.” No matter how intimate the story was.

In fact, I had never told Inha such things, but… rationally, which side is more credible? Between “possessed” and “told secrets to a twin.”

Also, I myself am in a situation where I feel confusion about my identity. I was Yoon Inyoung. But now I am Yoon Inha. The tattoo on my ankle tells me so. The Bodhisattva said that if I think and act as if I am Inha, I can become Inha one day.

That doesn’t mean my soul disappears, but that even the soul becomes Inha.

Does the essence of a person lie in the soul or the body… I didn’t know I would come to have such philosophical concerns realistically. From now on, everyone would treat me as Inha. Then, would I be able to keep from losing the self known as Yoon Inyoung?

The reason I couldn’t strongly convince Mr. Taeseon that I am me, that I am Yoon Inyoung, was also this. One day I will become Inha, and Yoon Inyoung will disappear.

If I made him accept me as myself even though I have Inha’s body and then disappeared, I would be making him experience my death twice.

Such a thing, I simply couldn’t….

I remember Mr. Taeseon’s expression at the burial site during the woodland burial. And his exhausted appearance that I saw occasionally when we ran into each other at home. And now as well, although he is cold and detached, there were deep shadows under his eyes.

He, who used to joke that he was healthy enough to chew through iron, I was seeing this weakened side of him for the first time. My chest felt as if it were being squeezed. I simply cannot make him go through this twice.

To teach me that a life where death is better exists.

He is trying to do such a thing to another person because of me. Actually, I wanted to stop him. Not because it was something I would suffer, but because I hated him doing such bad things. I hoped he wouldn’t.

But if his mind becomes at ease because of it.

“Do as you please.”

At my words, Mr. Taeseon’s hand, which had been gripping the steering wheel, faltered.

“Who do you think will be scared? If I feel it’s getting worse, I’ll just go back home. Going to my parents’ house for a short visit is fine, right?”

“….”

Mr. Taeseon’s face hardened terrifyingly. Lili let out a small cry in my hands.

I know Inha’s way of speaking well. Because he was my twin. Whether we liked it or not, we were almost always together.

A silence flowed in the car for a moment. Until we crossed the bridge, it was a short silence. Mr. Taeseon chuckled.

“Fine. Look forward to it.”

I quietly stroked Lili’s cheek and chin. Though Lili had been in the shelter, as an animal that grooms itself, his fur was very soft. That soft fur, the squishy flesh, and the temperature much warmer than my cold hands calmed my mind a little.

The car quietly headed toward the house.