SATURDAY 9

On the day I visited home briefly to pack some clothes, the shaman returned.

I thought the first floor seemed a bit noisy, and then I heard a familiar voice. It seemed to be the shaman. When I stepped out of the room, sure enough, the shaman, dressed in a fine hanbok, was talking with Mom and Father near the entrance.

“The shaman is here.”

At the very least, the shaman—even though the reason I was treated this way at home was entirely due to her fortune-telling—had treated Inha and me without discrimination. Professor Jang and Shaman Woljeong. And Uncle. Those three were the only ones who treated me like a human being in this house. That’s why they, especially the shaman, were special to me.

As I hurried down the stairs, the shaman slowly raised her head and looked up at me. But for some reason, her gaze was….

“….”

“Shaman…?”

Her eyes were subtle today. It was a look as if she were seeing something she didn’t like. Her glance, which she flicked toward me without letting Mom and Father notice, was strangely piercing.

“You two should get some rest. You’ve worked hard.”

“It’s nothing. You’re the one who suffered, Shaman.”

“Have you eaten? Shall I have something prepared?”

“No. First, I….”

The shaman raised her head and looked at me.

“I need to have a little talk with Inha.”

When I went up to Inha’s room alone with the shaman, she closed the door, pressed the lock firmly, and strode over to slap me across the cheek.

“…! ”

“You rascal, you audacious thing.”

“Sha, Shaman.”

I clutched my cheek and stared at her blankly. Though she had occasionally used physical punishment for the sake of discipline, she had never laid a hand on me so abruptly like this. While I was still reeling, the shaman looked at me with a frigid expression.

A brief silence followed. It was a stinging, terrifying silence. After a moment, the shaman spoke.

“A dead thing occupies the body of a living person and sits there?”

“….”

As expected, did the shaman see through it at once? A bone-chilling cold crawled up my spine.

“I even went to the mountains to pray to save my Inha. But you took over the body. You foul, wicked thing.”

“I, I, Shaman…. I don’t know anything….”

“It was all the desire that was inside you. Your desire to take Inha’s place! What will you do now? What of Inha? What will you do about that poor child!”

Inha, Inha…. The shaman only looked for Inha. Everyone only looks for Inha.

No, it was natural. Because Inha is Inha. And I am a life that isn’t even a life, born by stealing everything from Inha. They say that I, who was a beast, finally snatched away even Inha’s life and occupied that body.

I felt dizzy. What have I done…. What on earth have I done? I remember nothing. Is not remembering also a sin? I bowed my head deeply and managed to speak.

“I’m sorry, Shaman…. I don’t, remember anything. What happened….”

“Hah, yes. I suppose so.”

The shaman muttered, “Gwanseum-bosal.” It was a habit of hers. Then she reached out and gripped both of my shoulders so tightly it hurt.

“Listen well, Inyoung.”

“….”

It was my name, heard after such a long time. As I blinked, the shaman looked me straight in the eye and spoke. She was very tall, enough to meet my eye level.

“You must live as Inha.”

“Pardon…?”

“From today on, you are Yoon Inha. Don’t think of anything else. If you live as Inha, you will become Inha. Originally, you were just a husk born from sucking the life out of Inha’s things. You must become Inha, you must become Inha—if you do that, you can become Inha.”

“H-How….”

“Act like Inha in everything you do. And every time you look in the mirror, think, ‘I am Yoon Inha.’ If you do that, before you know it, you will have become Inha.”

“….”

I could see conviction in the shaman’s eyes. As if doing that would truly bring “Inha” back. Since it was the shaman’s word, it had to be certain. But then… if Inha returns that way,

What becomes of me?

Since I died then anyway, must I give up my place to Inha? Because that is right? Must I return everything I have stolen from Inha until now….

I was always obedient. Not once had I disobeyed the words of my parents or the shaman. I followed every unreasonable command. Because I had to. But today, right now, for the first time, I felt a sense of resistance. I know the name of this feeling.

Survival instinct.

It was laughable. To think that even something like me has a survival instinct…. No, rather, it’s probably because it’s me that the instinct is even greater.

Because of that strong instinct, I, who should have been wandering the underworld, was born by extorting what was given to Inha.

But now, I feel resistance. I didn’t want to follow the words of the shaman, which should be absolute. But if I said that here, the shaman wouldn’t leave me alone.

“…Yes.”

The shaman glared at me with terrifying eyes. Even so, she was the one who said there must be a meaning to even someone like me being born, and she had treated me kindly at times. Even when she transferred things like Inha’s colds to me, she always told me she was sorry.

Thinking of lying to such a person made my tongue feel as if it were freezing. I felt like I would be punished.

However… in the end, I possess the wicked nature born from stealing what Inha should have had. A lie flowed nonchalantly from my mouth.

“I’ll do that.”

I will not do that. Since I am going to Mr. Taeseon’s house anyway… to the place that was our marital home, there is no one to watch me. I will not return what I stole from Inha.

Because I want to live too.

I feel guilty toward Inha, and I will have to carry that guilt for the rest of my life, but I want to live even if it’s by using Inha’s body. I know well just how hideous a greed I am indulging in. Even so, I wanted to live. By Mr. Taeseon’s side.

Even if Mr. Taeseon continues to see me only as Inha, I held onto the hope that someday he might recognize me, my soul.

“Do not worry.”

The shaman, who had been staring at me for a while, spoke abruptly.

“If you live as Inha, that Lee Taeseon fellow will also fall for Inha. It depends on how you do it, but you will live well with Inha.”

“….”

I hate that.

Mr. Taeseon with Inha, not me…? I hated that. Mr. Taeseon hated Inha so much. Even if I told him not to, Mr. Taeseon hated Inha enough for it to be called loathing. Such a man would come to love Inha, not me?

I want to deny it. I wanted to retort that such a thing would never happen. But I was so scared that the words wouldn’t come. As I remained still, the shaman squeezed my shoulders hard and glared at me again.

“….”

I felt like I would collapse under that gaze. I wanted to cast aside all my thoughts and say, ‘I was wrong, I won’t have useless thoughts, I’ll become Inha….’ But I did not say it until the end.

The shaman gave a thin smile.

“Inyoung.”

“…!”

“There are exactly two people in this world who will see you as Inyoung.”

“W-Who is that….”

“This shaman, and Professor Jang.”

My mouth fell open in sheer surprise. The shaman had just told me to become Inha a moment ago….

“Synchronizing a soul is not an easy task. How hard it must be for you when everyone calls you Inha, my child. This shaman knows you well. Even when you go to the hospital, Professor Jang will secretly treat you as Inyoung. Inyoung…. You poor thing.”

“….”

They were words I hadn’t even imagined. I never thought the shaman would acknowledge me in this situation.

The corners of my eyes stung, and tears quickly fell with a plop. I used to be scolded for crying. So it had been a long time since I showed tears in front of someone else. Even though I knew I’d be scolded, I couldn’t hold back the tears. With hands that were large for a woman, the shaman wiped away my tears.

“You mustn’t cry. You have to be strong. Trust only this shaman. Now, you are the only successor of this family.”

“Yes….”

When I answered with a voice mixed with sobs, the shaman stroked my head, told me to stop crying quickly, and left the room.

Mom must have been on the second floor too, as I could hear the sound of her and the shaman talking from a bit of a distance. I couldn’t make out the content, but Mom’s voice was filled with worry.

I cried for a long while longer, then went into the bathroom and cried again while washing my face. To think the shaman thought of me this way. The warmth of another person was always the switch that made me cry.

To hide the traces of crying, I took a long shower with cold water and came out to dry my hair. My eyes, which had been red and swollen, had subsided before I knew it. After drying my hair, the traces disappeared further, so I entered the dressing room with relief.

From the new clothes, I picked something Inha might wear. I also found and put on pants that came up to the ankle so the tattoo would show. I considered wearing accessories, but they were all things Inha had used, so I felt uncomfortable after all.

Giving up, I went down to the first floor, where Mom, who had moved to the living room, was having a serious conversation with the shaman. Mom saw me.

“Oh my, Inha!”

Mom’s face, which had been shallowly frowning, suddenly brightened up. Mom stood up, pulled me into a tight hug, and said:

“You look so pretty dressed like that. How can we send our Inha to CEO Lee’s house?”

“….”

Is it because I’m wearing “Inha’s” clothes that I’m pretty? I gave a vague answer and went back up to Inha’s room as if fleeing. I saw a large trunk where the clothes were packed.

I opened the trunk and pulled out all the clothes that were inside to hang them back on hangers. Instead, I refilled the trunk with clothes Inha might wear. As I tore the packaging off the new clothes and packed them neatly into the trunk, I couldn’t hide my troubled mind.

I will wear Inha’s clothes. Because there are eyes around me.

Mr. Taeseon won’t think it’s strange based on my clothing either.

But I won’t do anything else. Not mirrors, not anything.

…I will not act like Inha. Never.