ASD 50

From the moment he boarded the train a little while ago until now, Gawon couldn’t hide his childlike excitement. He would gaze at the scenery flashing by the window, then needlessly stroke the armrest and the seat with his palm, and then fiddle with the gimbap and water bottle placed on the small table. Every time the train clattered, a full-blown smile spread across his face.

“You know, this is actually my first time on a train.”

“Mhm.”

“So it’s really, really amazing and nice. I’m excited. It really feels like we’re going on a trip.”

“We really are going on a trip.”

Gawon, whispering in an excited voice, was unbearably lovely. Gijun, with a smile on his face, gently caressed Gawon’s hand. The ring on his white finger shone dazzlingly.

In truth, he had wanted to go on a trip as soon as the college entrance exam was over. After hearing him briefly mention that he wanted to see the sea, it had been on his mind ever since. If he had his way, he would have taken him during summer vacation, but Gawon postponed the promise, saying they should go after the exam.

However, they couldn’t leave right after the exam either. Gawon worked for a whole month at an uncle’s place, saying that this time he would save up the money himself.

It was heartbreaking to see him peeling onions and serving tables, so he tried to stop him every day, but he couldn’t stop Gawon, who had made up his mind. In the end, only after saving up a satisfactory amount of travel funds did Gawon, unable to resist Gijun’s urging, quit his part-time job.

But now, that arduous labor was over too. Since he got into a good university, he would soon be getting a lot of tutoring offers.

Gijun thought with a pleased smile. He had studied so single-mindedly, and in the end, Gawon was accepted into the university he wanted. As expected of his smart boyfriend.

He couldn’t describe how happy he was when he heard the news of his acceptance a few days ago. Gijun took Gawon to the best restaurant he knew. He bought him plenty of delicious food and gave him the acceptance gift he had prepared in advance. That gift was now shining proudly on his and Gawon’s intertwined fingers.

Actually, he had wanted to buy him a watch. But he was afraid of the cold look Gawon would give him when he handed it over. Even after dating for two years, Gawon still felt extremely burdened by receiving things from him.

The gift he had prepared after much deliberation was a ring. There was one more, but he planned to give that to him at their travel destination.

Fortunately, Gawon was overjoyed to receive the couple rings. His voice, vowing that he would never take it off his finger as he took photos over and over again, was so cute that Gijun had to fight hard against the urge to nibble on Gawon’s cheek the whole time he was listening.

“Aren’t you hungry? You can have my gimbap too.”

“No, you eat it. You have to eat a lot to make this part chubbier.”

Gijun smiled, gently stroking Gawon’s cheek, which he loved so much. Gawon, who gave Gijun a slight glare, picked up a piece of gimbap and popped it into his mouth. He put one in his own mouth too and chewed it prettily.

As they chewed on their gimbap side by side, Gijun took Gawon’s hand again. Gawon’s heart, which had been anxious because his mother hadn’t come home or contacted him, now seemed much lighter. Fortunately, his mother had shown up a few days ago. She had said that her mother didn’t look to be in bad shape, making his constant worry seem pointless.

‘It seems she’s found a man.’

Gawon had said calmly.

‘Well, that’s good… I’ll be moving out of the house soon anyway.’

‘Yeah.’

‘I hope that man is a good person.’

The tone in which he said that was pitiable. Gijun replied, ‘Don’t worry. He will be,’ and hugged Gawon tightly. He sincerely hoped so. So that his beautiful lover would no longer have to worry.

*

The first place they headed to as soon as they got off at Gangneung Station was a raw fish restaurant located near the sea. Gijun ordered a hearty set that included snow crab and raw fish. Gawon, looking at the splendidly set table, let out gasps of admiration one after another as if he were entranced.

“This looks so delicious…”

“Eat a lot, a lot.”

Just watching Gawon eat heartily like a squirrel made him feel full. Gijun, with a pleased heart, continuously picked out crab meat and placed it on Gawon’s plate.

After finishing their meal, they drank coffee at a pretty cafe on the coffee street. Sitting side by side with Gawon, looking at the clear blue sea and the sky connected to it beyond the large window, he felt he had nothing to envy in the world. Gawon, saying, “I can’t believe it,” several times, leaned his head on Gijun’s shoulder.

“So this is how everyone lives. Having this much fun…”

His heart ached at the softly muttered words. It wasn’t self-pity, but pure wonder at learning a fact he simply hadn’t known. Gijun gently squeezed Gawon’s hand.

“From now on, let’s live having lots and lots of fun together.”

Gawon looked at him with deep eyes. The way he obediently nodded his head, saying, “Okay,” was so pretty.

He could see the color of the sky, which had been only blue beyond the glass window, changing. The sun was tilting toward the horizon. The two of them hurriedly left the cafe and walked side by side toward the beach located right in front of the building.

The cool scent of the sea washed over the two of them, carried by the wind. Gijun slowly closed his eyes, savoring the gentle breeze.

The wind tickling his face, the fluttering of his hair, Gawon’s body heat transmitted through their clasped hands. It made Gijun feel the overwhelming realization that he was here with the one he loved.

Gradually, the sky turned red, and the pouring sunset drenched the two of them. A few seagulls flew across the orange sky, letting out mournful cries. Swish, the waves came up to their feet and broke into white foam.

“The sea… so this is the sea.”

Gawon, who had stopped in the middle of the sandy beach, gazed endlessly at the reddening horizon. The blue sea, which seemed calm at a glance, was mercilessly swallowing the blazing sun. As if it couldn’t care less about the wishes of the young lovers praying for this day to last forever.

“You said you wanted to come. To the sea.”

“Yeah… I really wanted to come.”

Gijun said affectionately, brushing back Gawon’s fine hair that was fluttering wildly. Gawon’s thin lips pulled up slightly. That smile looked somewhat bitter.

“You know. Jun-ah.”

“Yeah.”

“I always wanted to come to the sea and die.”

His breath caught in his throat.

“I’ve been like that since I was very young. I was curious what kind of place the sea was. It’s so wide and big, so it would be okay to throw my one body in. It would be painful and difficult to swallow a lot of water, but that pain would end soon… If I become seafoam and float freely in the wide sea, I’ll be truly free then. There will be no more hard things or sad things like this…”

“Gawon.”

He didn’t want to hear any more. Gijun pulled Gawon into a tight hug with trembling hands.

“Don’t say things like that. Don’t…”

His heart sank. Suddenly, the body held in his arms felt excessively fragile. Had Yoon Gawon always been this small and weak? An unfounded anxiety that he might be blown away somewhere if he blew on him, and that he would never, ever be able to find him again, crashed over him like a wave.

“It’s okay, Jun-ah.”

Gawon let out a small laugh. The boy, who wriggled out of the firm embrace, smiled, meeting his eyes directly.

“…Looking at the sea from the cafe earlier, I had a thought.”

“…”

“I endured and didn’t die all this time because I wanted to do this. To drink coffee with you like this… in such a beautiful place.”

A hand wearing a ring came over and gently traced the lines of Gijun’s face. It also preciously swept back his hair, which was fluttering in the breeze, just as Gijun had done.

“I want to live now, Jun-ah.”

Gijun listened to Gawon’s words, unable to even breathe deeply. The orange light scattering within his delicate eyes was heart-achingly beautiful.

“I want to come to the sea with you like this every year, eat raw fish, drink coffee, watch the sunset, and go swimming in the summer… I want to live like that now.”

“It will happen. Gawon. I will definitely make it happen.”

Gijun said with emphasis, intertwining his fingers with Gawon’s. It was true. If he could be the reason for this boy’s life, he felt like he could do anything. He was already prepared for it.

“There’s something I want to give you.”

Gijun carefully opened his mouth, holding Gawon’s hand.

“Hmm…? What is it?”

“I was originally going to tell you when I collected a hundred trophies… but actually, this is more meaningful to me than that. I’d be happy if you’d accept it.”

Gawon’s eyes widened. Gijun took off the rosary bracelet he had on his wrist and held it out to Gawon.

“…Gijun. How can I… something so precious…”

Looking flustered, Gawon shook his head. But Gijun had already made up his mind.

“As I told you before, it’s a keepsake from my mother. After she finished her rosary prayers with this bracelet on, she would pray so earnestly every time. Only for my safety.”

“…”

“She gave me this bracelet about a month before she passed away. She told me to carry it with me wherever I go. She said that the wish she prayed for every day was in here.”

He had had a dangerous childhood. He had been used to such a life since birth. A life where safety could not be guaranteed. Memories of his life being threatened at times. It was an object that contained the heart of a mother who had desperately tried to protect her only son in the midst of all that.

It was a trace of her earnest prayers for his safety, and proof of the love that had saved him even in the midst of a tragic incident. Therefore, Gijun placed the object that could be called his everything on Gawon’s wrist.

“Gawon. My wish is you.”

His unwavering gaze was directed at Gawon.

“I will protect you.”

“…”

“I will make you happy, make you laugh, and take you to beautiful places for the rest of your life.”

I will do so forever.

As if making a vow to Gawon, and to himself, Gijun declared each word clearly. With the sunset, which was vividly burning the two boys, at their backs. He swore, before the sea where Gawon had once wanted to throw his life away, but now wanted to hold his hand and simply look at its beauty.

The flame-like sunset that had colored the sky was now burning in his delicate boy’s eyes. It was so hot and beautiful that he felt like he would go blind. The flame soon spread, burning and digging into Gijun.

His chest ached as if it were on fire. A deep burn of love was left in the middle of Gijun’s heart. It was undoubtedly the most beautiful day of his life. It was a feverish (熱) day for the two nineteen-year-old boys standing together.

However, the sun slowly sank into the water. At the end of the hottest time, what remained in the place where the flower had finally burned was the horizon, lurking in the vast darkness. It was the gloomy waves, opening their black maws, trying to swallow the two boys.