ASD 23

His ears felt blocked. He couldn’t see anything because of the pitch-black darkness. The fragrance that had lingered at the tip of his nose, the snores of the men he could occasionally hear from beyond the room, were no longer there.

He sensed a savage presence. At the same time, a weight pressed down mercilessly on his nose and mouth, overwhelming Gijun. The young Gijun, exhausted and deep in slumber, could not resist the sudden threat. No matter how much he flailed his arms and legs, he couldn’t muster any strength in his body.

‘Gasp… Hah, hughk…’

The more he tried to breathe, the harsher the weight became. Every time he gasped, the soft cotton of the pillow pressed tightly against his face. A sense of powerlessness crashed over him like a giant tidal wave, pulling Gijun’s body down.

A ringing sound buzzed in his ears. The suffocating darkness pouring down choked Gijun. He couldn’t see, hear, or feel anything, but Gijun’s instincts, like sharp tentacles, pinpointed the man who was trying to harm him. It was the man who always gave him the creeps for no reason whenever they were together.

Please save me. Uncle, please save me…. The young Gijun’s plea could not form into words. Words desperately begging for his life filled his mouth.

But all that flowed out from under the pillow was the sound of him gagging and gasping for breath. Gijun frantically flailed and struggled with all his arms and legs. The rosary on his wrist scraped noisily against the floor. Scrape, scrape.

‘Jun-ah.’

In that moment, he heard his mother’s call. It was as if someone had turned back time. His consciousness, which had been fading into an empty vacuum, became clear in an instant.

Gijun’s eyes flew wide open. The pillow that had been pressing on his face was gone, and Gijun had returned to two days before his mother’s funeral was held.

It was the scene of the destruction.

‘…Run away. …Right now, run away.’

His mother commanded in a fading voice, a knife stuck in her neck and side. His trembling legs gave way beneath him. Hearing his mother’s voice as she writhed, covered in blood, in the muddy ground, Gijun couldn’t move a muscle.

The weight that had been pressing on his face just moments ago now poured down on his entire body. Gijun, still a young boy, could not possibly shake off the weight that crushed his whole body like a massive anaconda.

His mother’s eyes slowly close. The blood flowing from her body pools in a filthy puddle. The small, weak child can’t protect anyone, let alone himself, and can only watch his mother’s gruesome end.

Gijun screamed and wailed. He slammed his forehead against the dirty mud floor, crawling and crawling. No, he tried to. He desperately wanted to go to his mother.

But he couldn’t move. Gijun couldn’t get even a single handspan closer to his mother. The filthy mud on the ground was thick and sticky, as if it would swallow his body whole. The swamp-like ground opened its jaws wide, trying to devour Gijun.

In that moment.

A phone rang.

His eyelids flew open. The phone bell, which rang loudly for two or three seconds, completely woke him. The loosely connected nightmare snapped off. It was a dramatic awakening, as if he had been released from a curse.

“…Fuck.”

He swore in a terribly hoarse voice. Gijun sat up in the darkness. His entire body was drenched in sweat.

He rubbed his face frantically with his palms. He got out of bed and left the room. His head cleared a little only after he filled a glass with water and gulped it down.

Haaa—, he let out a long sigh and walked back into his room. Petting the cat would probably calm him down. But he didn’t want to make Sunny, who was resting peacefully on the cat tower, come down. Gijun sighed and turned on the light. On nights like this, he couldn’t go back to sleep, fearing he would have that dream again.

Come to think of it, the phone rang, what was that?

Receiving a call in the dead of night was not in itself a particularly surprising event. Occasionally, drunk hyungs or classmates would call him. Asking him to come out and hang out with them. The remnants of a few times he had hung out with them as a thoughtless middle schooler were still being maintained.

This time must have been another one of those trivial calls. Gijun, who checked the missed call without much thought, widened his eyes.

“…Yoon Gawon?”

He was dumbfounded. This was a name he had not expected at all. Was he not fully awake yet? Gijun rubbed his eyes hard and stared at the screen again. It wasn’t a dream.

[Gawon-ah, did you happen to call?]

He thought about calling him right back, but then wondered if he might have pressed the button by mistake, so he sent a message first. But a reply came back immediately.

Yoon Gawon

[Ah… I’m sorry]

Yoon Gawon

[I pressed it by mistake.]

Gijun’s gaze stopped on the clock in the upper left corner. 2:46 AM. What could possibly make someone mistakenly press the call button at this hour, and his number specifically?

Could he have been looking at the messages they exchanged until this hour? The thought suddenly made him feel a little better. It felt like opening a window to ventilate his dark and stuffy heart.

[Can I call?]

He asked without hesitation. A few seconds later, a call came from Yoon Gawon. They had been messaging each other constantly until now, but this was the first time they were talking on the phone like this.

—Sorry. I woke you up, didn’t I.

“No. I was awake.”

—…At this hour?

“What about you.”

A single wisp of a small, slender voice. That was enough to gently loosen all the tense muscles in his body. Gijun smiled faintly.

—Me… I was just… doing something. Why were you up?

“Uh…”

He could have made up any excuse. Just, I couldn’t sleep. I was just doing something. But after briefly scratching his head, Gijun slowly wet his lips with his tongue.

The thick air of the predawn, the sense of languor lazily wrapping around his body, the feeling of being completely isolated from the world with just the two of them. All of it led Gijun in the direction of honesty.

“Actually, I was sleeping. …But, I’m actually grateful you woke me up.”

—Why?

“Because I was having a nightmare.”

—…….

“It’s fine. It happens sometimes.”

A short silence followed. It was so quiet that he could even hear the sound of Gawon parting his lips. The moist, tiny sound and a faint breath were transmitted clearly through the phone.

—That must have been scary.

The short words flowed into Gijun. In that moment, Gijun let out a gasp, “Ah.”

Yes, that must have been it. All this time. Yoon Gawon had so simply seen through the emotion that he himself had not been acknowledging.

“…Yeah. A little. I guess it was scary.”

—…….

“But I’m okay now. Thanks to your call.”

Gijun hid all the agitation and turmoil and grinned. He didn’t want to reveal it. His own insides that were rotting black. He only wanted to show Yoon Gawon the good things, the fragrant things.

—Gijun.

“Yeah.”

—…If… I hope it doesn’t happen.

“Yeah.”

—But if you have a nightmare again in the future, you can call me.

“……”

—It’ll be hard for me to wake you up by chance like today… so you do it. You’ll feel better if we talk.

The white, neat voice gives an order. Listening to that voice, Gijun had a premonition. That from now on, he would helplessly follow the orders of this small, delicate boy.

“…Okay.”

A warmth slowly seeped in, covering the muddy water stained with blood. The sharp smell of blood gradually fades. The pitch-black darkness that had descended upon Gijun retreats.

His senses, which had been on high alert, gradually softened. A cozy feeling, as the cells that had been frozen with tension relaxed gently. A single wisp of Yoon Gawon’s small voice made him feel as snug as if his entire massive body were being held in an embrace.

“I will. …Thank you.”

He replied in a restrained voice. Fearing his hoarse tone would reveal the darkness he had just dreamed of, Gijun cleared his throat. Then he asked in a deliberately cheerful voice.

“What are you doing up? I’m sure it’s not because you had a nightmare too.”

—…I couldn’t sleep.

“Really? Hmm. Why couldn’t you sleep.”

—…….

“My dear Gawon, do I need to go over there and sing you a lullaby?”

Gijun chuckled softly, rattling off a silly joke. But there was no reply. The tense silence made Gijun blink. Something was wrong.

“…Gawon-ah.”

—…….

“Is something wrong?”

—…N, o.

In that instant, a small breath broke helplessly. Like a wave crashing against a rock. Hic. The breath he sucked in was laced with heat.

Clearly, Yoon Gawon was crying.

“Yoon Gawon.”

—…….

“Gawon-ah.”

Gijun shot up from his seat. His body moved on its own, as if someone were controlling it. His hand, which strode over and snatched the jacket hanging on the wall, was urgent. As he stomped down the second-floor stairs with a thump, thump, he urged Gawon.

“I’m coming over now.”

—…Huh?

“Just 15 minutes, no, just wait 10 minutes for me. Don’t fall asleep.”

—Wait. Wait a minute, Gijun. You right now… what are you talking about.

How can you do that, do you know what time it is, it’s fine so you don’t have to come… His faltering voice, trying to dissuade him, was already thoroughly soaked with moisture. It wasn’t a mistake after all.

Gijun hung up the phone and opened a taxi app with urgent hands. But perhaps because it was so late, no taxis were available.

His deliberation was short. Gijun ran back into his room and pulled out the bike key and helmet that had been shoved in a corner of his drawer.

It took less than three minutes to start the bike parked in the innermost part of the garage. He roughly brushed off the white dust that had collected on it from not being ridden in a long time, then got on the seat and unhesitatingly twisted the accelerator.

The loud roar of the engine echoed through the quiet alley. The calmly settled pre-dawn air rushed at Gijun all at once. He cut through the empty road, faster and faster. The more he rode, the calmer his head became, but his chest boiled with worry.

The voice, choked with tears and taking in shaky breaths, was stuck in his ear like a broken shard. He had seen him with tears in his eyes before, so he knew what a heartbreaking expression the boy wore when he cried. Why on earth was Yoon Gawon crying at this hour of the morning?