ASD 40

He’d tossed and turned all night. Whenever he sank into unconsciousness, overcome by exhaustion, harsh dreams tormented Gawon. Whenever he managed to fall into a light sleep, he would invariably return to the horrifying scene in the classroom.

He is held down in a chair, and the kids are forcing a ridiculous wig on him. The blackboard is full of graffiti mocking him and his mother. Click, click. The sound of a camera shutter strikes his ears loudly, choking him.

Then the scene would shift in an instant. Gijun, his hands stained with blood, hits Heo Yeonggyu again and again. Thwack, thwack, thwack… The thick, fishy smell of blood fills the surroundings.

‘Gijun, stop now…!’

Even in the dream, Gijun invariably stops his actions at his single word. As he slowly rises from Heo Yeonggyu, who is almost half-dead, he looks like a massive beast that has just finished a hunt.

Even when he looks at me with eyes steeped in cruel elation, even when that image overlaps with what I fear most, strangely, I’m not scared at all. I’m just sad. My heart crumbles with a desperate sound.

‘How can you trust a kid like this and let him study in the same classroom as our son! He needs to be thrown straight into a juvenile detention center!’

When he comes to his senses, he’s back at the police station. Gawon’s chest fills with an indignation that multiplies like cells as he listens to the words that recklessly condemn and belittle Gijun.

Who does that woman think she is? How can she put Gijun on the same level as trash like Heo Yeonggyu? How dare she compare Gijun to a bastard like that…

Just then, Gijun, who had been sitting silently, turns his head. In that moment, the boy vanishes as if he were never there. Even when he rubs his eyes and looks again, the seat is empty.

He runs outside to find Gijun. He runs straight to his house, but he can’t get in. The guards blocking Gawon’s way look exactly like the gangsters who had tormented him and his mother. At their voices telling him to go back because he can’t see Gijun, Gawon freezes, helpless.

I want to see you. I just want to know if you’re okay, if you’re safe.

In the dream, he was a little braver than his real self. He tries desperately to push through them. But they subdue him as easily as catching a minnow. And so, the struggle comes to a futile end.

The dream ended there.

In the end, even in his dream, he couldn’t find out if Gijun was safe.

“…Haaa.”

In the still air of dawn, Gawon shot up as if jolted and immediately grabbed his phone. 4:36 AM. There was still no message from Gijun.

Gawon put down his phone in the darkness, feeling empty. Was his phone taken away? The frustration was unbearable.

At least it was a relief that today was Saturday, a day he didn’t have to go to school. He forced his gritty eyelids shut.

He was struck anew by how long yesterday had been. Waiting for a call that wouldn’t come was an agonizingly anxious affair. If only he could get some sleep, time would pass quickly, but he was afraid of having that dream again.

After tossing and turning for a long while, Gawon finally got up. His body was moving before he even realized what he was doing. He picked up his clothes, put them on, and went outside.

He took the first bus of the day and headed to Gijun’s house. The inside of the bus was completely empty. As he went, he let out a hollow laugh at his own impulsive action.

Something must be wrong with me. What am I going to do just showing up like this? There’s no guarantee I’ll even be able to see him…

But he knew that Gijun was often awake even in the early hours of the morning. And for some reason, he had a groundless conviction that Gijun probably hadn’t slept well last night either. The guards couldn’t possibly be keeping such a strict watch at this hour, could they? He was taking a gamble, clinging to such a flimsy hope.

However, as if to mock such a complacent thought, a couple of guards were still standing in front of Gijun’s house, which he saw from a distance. Unable to approach the main gate, Gawon hid himself at the entrance of an alley and sighed.

Should I try calling Gijun? But what if he’s still in a situation where he can’t be contacted? Or, what if I disturb his peaceful sleep…?

“……!”

Just then, as if by a miracle, his phone screen flashed. Gawon, startled, froze stiffly. Confirming the boy’s name on the screen, Gawon covered his mouth with his hand. Fearing that even the vibration might be heard, he quickly answered the call in a hushed voice.

“Hel, he, hello?”

—…Hello? [He said yeobosaeyo here but half-way so it sounds like yeobo which means honey]

What came from over the phone was a small laugh. A soft and low voice. It was definitely Gijun.

—Sorry for calling so late. I thought you might be sleeping.

“It’s okay. I wasn’t asleep.”

—I said I’d call, and I’m sorry I couldn’t until now. The Manager just brought me my phone.

“It’s okay.”

He had thought that Gijun probably wasn’t in a situation to call, and it turned out to be true. Still, it was a relief that he was able to get in touch now.

Just hearing Gijun’s voice seemed to release all the tension in his body. Gawon, his legs suddenly giving out, leaned against a high wall and let out a sigh.

—Anyway, that sounds nice. Gawon. Say it again.

It was an overly carefree voice for the situation. And on top of that, an out-of-the-blue request. Gawon tilted his head.

“…What are you talking about.”

—You just said yeobo.

“Haa… You’re in the mood for jokes like that right now?”

Listening to the voice that was so typically Gijun—affectionate and playful—he felt his energy drain away. The sense of relief that Gijun’s silly joke brought was greater than he’d thought. But Gawon soon frowned with a serious face.

“Gijun. Are you… okay?”

—Huh? Of course I’m okay. Didn’t you see yesterday? I didn’t get hit once.

“Not that. You said your father was strict. Didn’t you get in trouble?”

—Ah. Uh… It’s okay. I just got a little, a little scolding, that’s all.

The laughter that followed was very awkward. Anyone could tell he was trying to brush it off. His heart began to pound with anxiety. Gawon looked up at the darkened second-floor window and quietly opened his mouth.

“Gijun.”

—Yeah?

“Um… Actually, I’m in front of your house right now.”

—What?!

At that moment, udang-tang, a commotion erupted from the other side of the phone. Immediately after, the second-floor window flew open. Gijun’s face, as he leaned out, was clearly surprised.

But that was only for a moment. A welcoming smile soon spread across his face. Waving his hands enthusiastically like a large dog wagging its tail, the boy looked genuinely happy. That’s a relief. It seems I didn’t interrupt his rest.

“Can I come in, by any chance? …There are people who look like guards standing watch, and they said it would be difficult to come in and see you earlier.”

—Uh…

Gijun trailed off, sounding flustered. The silence, so unlike his usual forthright self, gave him a bad feeling.

—The thing is… um… actually, it might be a little difficult for you to come in right now.

“……”

So he really did get in a lot of trouble. He remembered Gijun saying he had been confined once and couldn’t even go to school. Is that going to happen again, because of me…? It felt like a heavy lump of lead was pressing down on his chest.

“You got into a lot of trouble. Did you… get hit a lot?”

Gawon muttered despondently. Gijun hastily replied.

—No, nothing like that. What do you mean, hit? I just… got scolded a little.

“……”

His mouth clamped shut. His head dropped on its own in his miserable state. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Gijun’s face, who was looking down at him from the second floor. He was so upset, his heart ached so much that he didn’t know what to say or how to say it.

—Gawon. I’m coming out now. Just wait there, for a little bit.

“…Huh?”

What on earth is he talking about? Gawon’s eyes widened as he raised his head. But Gijun’s figure had already disappeared from the window. All he could see were the curtains fluttering behind the slightly ajar window.

“…How are you going to get out? Aren’t you confined?”

—There are ways. The guards are only at the main gate, right? Not at the back.

“Huh? Oh.”

—I can get out through the garage. Even the uncles don’t know about the passage that connects from the second floor to here… Oof.

He could hear the faint rustling of busy movement from the other side of the phone. Suddenly, he also heard a pained voice muttering a curse, ‘Fuck, that hurts so much….’ The way he took several ragged breaths, hoo-wook, made it seem like he was in great pain somewhere.

“Gijun, are you… okay?”

“Of course I am.”

The call suddenly ended. Gijun’s voice, which had been coming from the phone, was now right in front of him. Surprised, he raised his gaze. Gawon’s eyes widened as he saw Gijun perched on top of the high wall.

“Gijun, you…!”

“Shh.”

Gijun, who placed a finger to his lips, looked around once and then nimbly jumped over the wall. His landing was so neat it was admirable, but his large body momentarily staggered a couple of times.

Gawon, who sharply caught that moment, strode toward Gijun. The moment he wrapped his arms around his back, the distinct smell of blood hit his nose, and Gawon’s face instantly hardened.

“You, you… did you get hit a lot?”

“No? …I just twisted my ankle a bit when I jumped down.”

“You smell like blood…!”

“Gawon, if you get angry like this and the uncles come, I’ll have to go back in.”

Gijun smoothly placated Gawon and, for the time being, led him into a deserted alley. In the alley shrouded in darkness, Gawon stood awkwardly for a moment. He couldn’t just stand on the street with an injured person, but he had nowhere else to go either… He was at a loss for what to do.

“Let’s call a taxi.”

However, his deliberation was short. Gawon took out his phone.

“Where are we going?”

“My place.”