ASD 43

Until now, Gawon’s life had been treated like a house with no doors or walls. Even though it was his life, it wasn’t his. The world had always invaded Gawon’s life as it pleased, trampled it as it wished, and only after thoroughly dirtying it, would it let out a full and vile laugh.

How many times had he resented the existence of God while living? If he truly existed, he had hoped he would feel a shred of remorse for his life, which had been made wrong from the very beginning, and apologize. But there was no way anyone would apologize for a shabby life that had been damaged from birth.

For that reason, when Gawon heard Gijun’s apology, he even felt a slight dizziness. It felt as if something was pressing down on his chest.

The ones who had harmed his life were others, yet Gijun, who had nothing to do with it, was apologizing to him. With a face that looked pained, as if he had been pierced by a nail.

I pushed you away, deciding that you were tied to their world, but you tell me you’re sorry for hurting me.

“Still… I hope you’ll understand at least this one thing.”

Gijun murmured with his head still bowed.

“I will never do what my father does.”

“…”

“I’ll swear it to you, right here. I’ll make sure I never hurt you with things like that.”

A mix of complex emotions swirled and then surged up intensely. He felt grateful and sorry for Gijun, and at the same time, this boy was unbearably lovely. How could he not like this boy?

“Yeah. You… look better as an athlete than a gangster.”

It felt like the heat in his eyes, which he had struggled to suppress, would rise again. To hide his heavy heart, Gawon intentionally put on a slight smile.

Gijun, who had been looking down dejectedly, slowly raised his head. A lively, unusual light sparkled in his eyes.

“Right? You think so too, right?”

“Yeah. And it would be even better if you become a champion and put the medal around my neck.”

“Of course. Just trust me. I’ll hang so many around your neck it’ll feel heavy.”

At the words thrown out like a joke, Gijun grinned for a brief moment. But for some reason, the shadow cast over his face did not easily recede.

“…Hey. Gawon. Maybe…”

Gijun opened his mouth hesitantly. Anxiety seeped from his fidgeting fingers.

“Yeah?”

“Because I showed you that side of me yesterday… are you scared of me too?”

Gijun’s lowered gaze wavered. That side of me… The tyrant from yesterday, whose eyes had changed, immediately came to mind. The punches that showed no hesitation in harming a person. The cruelty that dragged one’s dignity down to the floor to humiliate them.

However, Gawon slowly shook his head.

“To me, you’re just, Gijun.”

The thoughts that had complicatedly filled his mind were now clearly sorted out. Gawon had now resolved to trust only the image of the boy right in front of his eyes. Once he made up his mind, he did not waver.

“Ha…”

Gijun smiled brightly. His face was clearly filled with relief.

“I won’t show you that side of me from now on. Of course, I’ll never forgive the bastards who do that kind of stuff to you… but if something like that ever happens again, I’ll beat them up where you’re not around.”

“…Something about that conclusion is weird.”

He was just ridiculous. A chuckle escaped. Yet, he had to admit it. Gijun had thoroughly, bit by bit, melted the person named Yoon Gawon from the roots up, and in the end, made him collapse into his arms.

“Ah. Right. Gawon, can’t you say that one more time for me?”

“…Say what.”

“You said it earlier. That you like me too…”

“What, you want me to say it again? You heard it, so that’s enough.”

It felt like hot steam was about to puff out of his ears. It had taken so much effort for him to say that one sentence…

“It’s because I can’t believe it. Because I’m so happy… that’s why.”

How could this boy say such things so casually? It seemed that confessing was not something just anyone could do.

“Huh?”

For some reason, he couldn’t look Gijun straight in the eye. It felt like his face would explode. Even so, Gijun tilted his head charmingly to the side and tried his best to peer into his face.

Feeling embarrassed, he pushed his face away with his other hand. But Gijun caught that hand too and interlocked their fingers. He laughed, rubbing his face against their clasped hands like a puppy.

“Yoon Gawon accepted me… I feel like I’m dreaming.”

Slowly bringing Gawon’s hand close to his face, Gijun carefully pressed his lips against it.

“I’m so happy…”

The soft touch landed like a delicate flower petal. Once, twice, three times… The boy’s movements were extremely careful, as if worshiping a noble being.

His heart pounded like a drum. It wasn’t unpleasant. It was just… this sensation was too unfamiliar. In the face of the pure, high-intensity longing pouring down so fiercely he couldn’t stop it, Gawon froze, unable to even think of pushing him away.

“It tickles…”

His body twisted on its own. Where exactly was it tickling? Gijun was kissing his hand, but why was it somewhere in his chest that felt ticklish…

“It tickles?”

With his lips still pressed to the back of his hand, Gijun looked up and smiled faintly. The lips touching his skin moved, and his warm breath brushed against the back of his hand like dandelion seeds.

The moment their eyes met, this time, light goosebumps rose all over his arm. Feeling a small electric current, like static, Gawon tried to slowly pull his hand away. But Gijun, without fail, did not let go of Gawon’s wrist as he tried to retreat.

“I’m not letting go.”

He slides his fingers down the stubbornly held wrist. The hot body heat gently caressed the tender skin on the inside of his wrist.

“How hard was it to catch you… I’m not letting go, not anymore.”

“What are you, a kid?”

A chuckle came out. Gijun was now even pushing his head in, subtly leaning against his side. He looked exactly like a large dog subtly wedging its body in, asking to be petted.

However, since he had already seen the wounds himself, he felt a sense of urgency. They had already delayed for a long time talking. His thighs and hips must hurt a lot… Gawon patted Gijun’s back, hitting him gently so it wouldn’t hurt.

“We have to treat you first.”

“Yeah.”

“Hurry up, take off your pants and lie on your stomach.”

“Okay. But just a moment… let’s just stay like this for a moment.”

When he tried to make him lie down, Gijun instead subtly pulled Gawon’s wrist. Gawon, who was about to open the ointment cap again, ended up flopping down next to Gijun.

On the bedding where he had been lying alone just a few hours ago thinking of Gijun, he was now lying face to face with this boy. At the unrealistic picture, Gawon slowly blinked his eyes. Gijun, lying facing him, whispered softly.

“So… pretty.”

Gijun reached out and gently touched Gawon’s forehead. The way his hand brushed back the hair that had fallen to the side was as careful as a hand handling glass art.

Soon after, Gijun raised his upper body, and a shadow fell over Gawon’s face. His face slowly drew closer. The atmosphere became tense in an instant.

“…”

He swallowed without realizing it. His pupils shook briefly, but soon, Gawon slowly closed his eyes.

The soft touch that had been pressing onto the back of his hand until just a moment ago landed on his forehead. Brushing his hair behind his ear, Gijun kissed Gawon’s forehead once more.

That fleeting moment felt like an eternity. The touch of the fingers and the soft lips on him was so vivid that Gawon couldn’t even breathe properly.

“…So pretty. Yoon Gawon.”

Gijun’s thick scent, which had been suffocatingly dense, moved away. He gently opened his eyes. Gijun, who was muttering as if in a daze while looking at him, looked just like he was dreaming. Two sets of eyes, not knowing what to do, tangled together in a daze.

His face began to flush bright red. Gawon, at a complete loss for what to do, lowered his gaze. His lips trembled on their own like dragonfly wings.

At that moment, Gijun suddenly buried his face in the pillow and let out a scream, “Uwaaah—!”

“…?”

Startled, Gawon stared at the boy with a bewildered face. It wasn’t just a scream; he was thrashing about, even kicking his feet as if he were swimming.

“You scared me, what’s wrong?”

“Ha, damn. I’m really going to lose my mind.”

The voice, muffled by the pillow, rumbled. He kept hearing words like “I’m going crazy” and something about “Yoon Gawon really, me,” over and over.

“This really isn’t a dream, right? Ha, if I open my eyes and it’s a dream… what do I do.”

After making a scene for a while, he lifted his face and muttered. Could he really be that happy? What in the world was he, that he would like him this much…

He was just amazed by this boy who expressed his feelings so unabashedly. He was also a bit dazed by the passionate affection that rushed at him like a blind dog.

And he was scared.

Something he had never had before was glittering before his eyes. Even though it was being offered to him, he was afraid to readily touch it. For Gawon, who had nothing from birth and therefore nothing to lose, the precious thing he had obtained for the first time was both wonderful and inevitably frightening.

It was as if he had received a sack full of huge treasures, but a single bug that could devour everything was mixed inside. The immense sense of loss he would feel when he someday lost the brilliance and joy he now held in his hands was already eating away at his heart.

So right now, Gijun must be feeling the same way. Afraid that if he opens his eyes, all the feelings he’s experiencing right now will disappear.

Gijun and he, who had practiced loss from an early age, couldn’t even rejoice freely when they obtained something precious. The thought made his heart ache.

Gawon gently reached out his hand and placed it on the nape of Gijun’s neck, who was lying face down on the pillow. It was an extremely careful gesture, like a flower petal carried by the wind coming to rest.

“……!”

But Gijun’s reaction to that delicate touch was huge. His frantic movements stopped at once. A reddish hue slowly began to rise up his long, straight neckline. Watching the nape of Gijun’s neck turn red like a ripe persimmon, Gawon smiled without a sound.

It was a smile that held a kind of resolve. It was a transcendent belief that the reason he had pushed him away was still present, but it would no longer have any effect on him. It was a pure desire to respond to the boy who was fearlessly charging ahead in the face of a young love.

“It’s hot here, Gijun.”

“…Touch me more.”

Gijun’s voice was a tone lower. He pleaded in a hoarse-sounding voice.

“More, touch me more…”

This kid is a total baby… As he dismissed it as such, Gawon’s own earlobes had also heated up a little before he knew it. His slender fingers moved slowly back and forth. He gently, gently stroked Gijun’s head, the shell of his ear, his nape.

Like a large dog, Gijun leaned his huge body against Gawon and lay stretched out, not moving a muscle. As if he had focused all his nerves on this childishly ticklish contact, the boy received Gawon’s touch without even breathing heavily.

“…I like you too.”

Gawon’s submerged voice was quietly drawn out.

“I… like you a lot too, Gijun.”

So much so that the events of yesterday felt distant. So much so that the reason he pushed you away was all forgotten. So much so that, as long as he had him, nothing else mattered anymore.

It was a warm moment, the likes of which had never existed in his life. Gawon closed his eyes as if reciting a prayer. Hoping this moment would last for a very, very long time, he stroked Gijun’s head forever with a heartfelt wish.

Just as you showed me a new world, I hope I can give you good memories too. Just as you came to me wearing a warm season, I hope I can become an unforgettable season for you too.

And so, I pray my misfortune does not harm you…

And so you came to me as the spring of my eighteenth year.

I held your hand and welcomed the summer of that year. A season as hot and passionate as you, we spent it going back and forth between your room with its cool air conditioner and my room, which was dominated by a cruel heat.

For me, who had never once attended a private academy, summer vacation was always an infinitely long period. During that time, you came and went between my house and school countless times and were with me.

I sometimes waited for you in front of your gym, and after you finished working out, you would run to me, smelling of cool mint. Wearing a black sports t-shirt, carrying a Nike sports bag, and in dazzlingly white sneakers.

There was nothing to fear in the second semester with you. It seemed that dirty talk often circulated behind us as we stuck together like shadows, but after ‘that day,’ no one dared to let such words slip in front of you, who had come to completely reign over the males in the classroom. Thanks to that, I was able to have a more pleasant school life than ever before.

Even the bitterly cold winter of that year was only joyful because I was with you. On snowy days, we would temporarily set aside all our stress and roll around in the snow like little kids.

We took pictures of the snowman we made together, had un-fun snowball fights that I always won, and after that, we would go to a snack bar to eat fish cakes and ramen to warm our frozen bodies.

You always told me you liked me without holding back, carefully held my hand, and gently caressed my cheek. And you would give me a precious kiss on the forehead.

But you never crossed any lines beyond that. Sometimes, no, quite often, you would look at me with eyes in which a hot passion was bubbling up, but you somehow managed to swallow it, crush it, and digest it on your own. Your patience in cherishing me sometimes went beyond my imagination.

As much as you were struggling to hold back, you often talked about our future. That’s why I was even more grateful to you.

Until now, the future for me was merely a last-ditch measure I thought of because I wanted to escape the stinking, rotten present. Even while struggling to live better than now somehow, I had never had high hopes. There was a limit to the bright future I, who had been submerged in the gutter all along, could imagine.

But you were the first person who made me feel anticipation. For a future of living freely with you. Of taking classes, eating meals, and traveling together, and of freely nurturing our love.

Just imagining it made the blood in my whole body rush fiercely. It made me cling to my studies even more tenaciously. I wanted to be someone who wouldn’t be embarrassing to you, who would soon become a great champion. I, who had been barely enduring life because I couldn’t die, was now dreaming of a dazzlingly bright future.

It was the first time in my life. That I felt even a little bit welcomed by life. And that, no matter what anyone said, was thanks to you.