ASD 35

“Gasp… cough, ke… hack, retch.”

Ahn Sungjoon, collapsed on the floor, twisted his body in agony. Watching Ahn Sungjoon gag and retch, Gijun rubbed his face hard with both hands. You crazy bastard… Cursing himself, he approached Ahn Sungjoon and held out a hand.

“Hyung.”

“You fucking son of a bitch. Gasp… haah.”

Ahn Sungjoon sprang to his feet, eyes bloodshot, and threw a punch. Gijun just took it. His head, protected by headgear, whipped to the side.

“Jun. What’s going on?”

The director, unable to watch any longer, came over and placed a hand on Gijun’s shoulder. Gijun took off his headgear and bowed his head.

“I’m sorry.”

“Go get some air for five minutes.”

“…Yes.”

Gijun took off his gloves and walked out of the training center.

The sun had already set. Taking in the silhouette of the mountain ridge buried in the darkened sky, Gijun stood under a streetlight and leaned against it.

The early crescent moon looked just like him. White and pretty, and yet somehow forlorn and sad.

Haa— A sigh escaped from deep within. Whether his eyes were open or closed, the face of just one person came to mind with a clarity that was almost maddening.

Today was the second day of training, and tomorrow was the last. In two days, he could see him at school again.

He could figure something out then. He would apologize again for the hasty confession and suggest they go back to how things were. He could start over from there. That would work, but… why did these two days feel so dreadfully long?

Truthfully, he was anxious. Anxious that he wouldn’t be able to go back to how things were with Yoon Gawon. Not wanting to admit it, he had moved his body like a madman all day. But it was no use.

He just wanted to see Yoon Gawon. He missed him desperately. He longed for just a snippet of his voice. He had said he’d answer if he called at night… would he not answer anymore?

Yoon Gawon.

…What are you doing?

Gijun clenched his empty hand. He wished he had his phone. They didn’t have a single picture together, but the sweet messages they had exchanged were still there. Gijun now terribly missed those moments when he and Gawon had casually asked and answered about their daily lives and laughed.

Even so, he couldn’t go and get his phone from the dorm room now. What are you doing right now, Yoon Gawon? You’re probably studying in the school library. Are you eating and studying as if nothing is wrong?

Are you… okay right now…

“…I’m not okay.”

A listless voice escaped him. Gijun closed his eyes. He tapped his sneaker-clad foot on the ground, thud, thud.

It was pathetic and laughable. That he couldn’t erase Gawon’s face for even a moment while climbing the mountain until he tasted blood in his mouth. That he couldn’t focus on the match and made a disgraceful showing. That he was standing here alone, pitifully muttering Gawon’s name.

What should I do?

The moment he had asked that, he had been truly desperate. Gijun realized for the first time just how pathetic a person he was. Recalling this unfamiliar side of himself that even he hadn’t known left a bitter taste in his mouth.

He didn’t want to lose Yoon Gawon, no matter what. Yoon Gawon, who had seemed to be getting closer so smoothly, had now retreated far away. Perhaps even farther than where he had stood at the beginning. The boy, who had never once been easy, had become even more difficult with a single mistake.

What had gone wrong? Where did the error occur? Did he hate it because it was a guy who confessed to him? Or was the hasty timing the problem? Or maybe, he just wasn’t Yoon Gawon’s type to begin with…

But no matter how much he replayed and mulled over that moment… it felt somewhat incongruous to think of it as such a common reason.

‘I can’t tell you, so I said stop!’

Compared to being simply flustered or surprised by a sudden confession, Gawon’s reaction was overly heavy, and his expression was somber.

The voice that said he would have a harder time later if they didn’t do this. The face that, contrary to the words asking to stop there and not meet anymore, looked troubled and sad. The eyes that had trembled and wavered when he asked if he couldn’t call even if he had a nightmare.

It wasn’t a reaction that could be expressed as simply not being his type or finding the sudden confession burdensome. It might have been his own delusion, but… Yoon Gawon seemed to be pushing him away as if he ‘had to.’

‘Hah… but what is that reason? What the hell is it.’

Gijun put his hands to his head. Then he pounded his head with his large fists.

When adversity arises, break through it. If something holds you back, shake it off, and if something blocks your way, knock it down. Until now, the way Gijun dealt with problems had been refreshingly simple.

But this problem, the first one he had ever run into, was different. His feelings for Yoon Gawon were like a fever. They drenched him completely, making him groan in sickness and raising his body temperature. Gijun had no choice but to be helpless, as there was no tangible entity he could knock down no matter how many times he threw a punch.

It was frustrating. He felt lost, holding onto an answer without even knowing the cause. But having decided to dive into the fever, Gijun had to endure. He had to somehow devise an answer amidst the delirium that clouded his consciousness. He had to somehow find a way to win back the boy’s heart.

Gijun opened his eyes, his face calm. He swept back his damp hair haphazardly with a palm that had gone cold with sweat.

Through the small window, he could see the hyungs engrossed in their training. Suddenly, he remembered Yoon Gawon’s voice promising to come to his match.

“…”

That promise… it would probably be difficult to keep now.

He had even tried to pull a few strings, thinking he would be so, so happy if Yoon Gawon cheered for him, wiped his sweat, and gave him water.

Recalling that time, a faint smile escaped him. Wanting to put Yoon Gawon, who had been looking troubled in front of the restaurant, at ease, he had made up a jinx he didn’t even have. He had added a little of his own selfish desire to it as well.

Still, he wanted to win. He had to win. Whether Yoon Gawon came or not, it was the first match the boy had promised to come to anyway. The weight was different from usual, when there was only the pure desire to fight and win.

Gijun, with a quietly settled face, took a large step forward. He pushed open the door of the training hall and stepped inside. The eyes that had been full of worries were now clear and distinct.

*

Gawon trudged out of the main building and headed toward the library building. His mood and his appearance were both a mess.

Before entering the study hall, he stopped by the water fountain first. He roughly dusted off his bag, which was covered in footprints, then took out a wet wipe and meticulously wiped it clean. Next, he took off his school uniform jacket. After wiping off all the soiled parts, he washed his hands last.

What a long day it had been. Haa… A sigh tinged with exhaustion escaped him.

Heo Yeonggyu had picked a fight with him for the first time in a while. The reason why the guy, who had been as quiet as a mouse for over a month, was suddenly acting up was obvious. He was, in a way, laughably easy to read.

‘Morning assembly is over. Ah, starting today, Gijun will be absent for three days for training.’

Precisely after the homeroom teacher had said those words yesterday, Heo Yeonggyu had started to run wild in earnest. Childish and base pranks had continued from yesterday all through today. Gawon had to feel as if he were covered in filth for the first time in a long while.

During break times, he would invariably find Gawon, poking and prodding him, and if he didn’t respond, he would pull his ear or hair and giggle. During lunch, he was dragged behind the building and had to stand for an hour among the guys who were smoking.

But the real ordeal was something else.

“Hey, is that big lanky bastard not acting up these days?”

A sunbae, blowing a long stream of smoke into Gawon’s face, snickered. It was one of the group that had come out of nowhere and hit Gijun. Heo Yeonggyu replied with a vile smile.

“Ah, it’s all thanks to you, sunbae-nim. He’s not even at school now, says he’s gone for some training or some bullshit.”

“Bullshit. He’s probably sizing up his options to drop out from embarrassment.”

“For real, isn’t it a lie that that bastard swept Gwangyeom High? When I beat him up, he was too scared to do anything, he was just a total fucking wimp.”

“I think it’s just a groundless rumor. He’s just been lying low like a dead rat since then.”

Heo Yeonggyu’s group and the sunbaes all snickered together. It was there that Gawon learned the full story of what had happened that day. Heo Yeonggyu had provided the funds they needed, and the human-trash thugs, who had taken a considerable amount of money, had, on Heo Yeonggyu’s orders, sought out and beat up Gijun, a complete stranger to them.

“Hey, you fucking son of a bitch. Does it feel good to follow around and suck off that wimpy bastard?”

One of the sunbaes spoke in a mocking tone, poking Gawon’s temple. His head tilted with each push. Gawon kept his eyes lowered, enduring and enduring until the bell signaling the end of lunch rang. Things like this would all pass eventually.

“Let’s go.”

Only dirty phlegm and cigarette butts remained where they had been. Gawon, who had been standing there silently with a determined look in his eyes, brushed the cigarette ash off his uniform. His cheek, which had been slapped a couple of times as if in jest, was stinging.

He had spent yesterday and today in such a mess. The tiresome and weary day was also drawing to a close. Gawon, bathed in the sunlight that was beginning to slant, entered the library. The second-floor study hall was almost empty. It was only natural, as the midterm exams had ended just the day before yesterday.

Even if his mood was troubled and messy, he had to study. Studying was the only refuge he could cling to to escape his distracting thoughts. He opened his math workbook first. From experience, solving math problems was the most helpful when he had a lot on his mind.

He solved problems mechanically for an hour. After finishing his quota for the day, he took out his earphones to do English listening without a break. Focusing all his attention on the sentences flowing out was also one way to forget his distracting thoughts.

Another hour passed, and Gawon, as if possessed, took out his Korean workbook this time. He was not even aware that he himself was acting strangely, studying like a robot for nearly two hours without taking a single breath.

He opened the literature section and picked up the mechanical pencil he had briefly set down. Gawon, with sunken eyes, read the poem at the very top of the page.

A single face,

with two palms,

can be fully hidden,

But this heart that longs to see you

is as vast as a lake,

so I can only close my eyes.

The hand holding the mechanical pencil stopped mid-air.

He blinked a couple of times and tried to shake off the distracting thoughts. He read the question that began with, ‘Among the following (a) and (b), which of the speaker’s intentions…’ and examined the passages one by one.

He read to the end and then went back to the beginning to read it again. He knew well that the difficulty of the problem was on the easy side. Nevertheless, Gawon’s gaze wandered as if he were solving a problem in an unknown foreign language.

“…Haa…”

In the end, he had no choice but to put down his mechanical pencil.

It was probably because he was too overheated. Dawdling like this would only lower his efficiency. Gawon got up from his seat and opened the study hall door. The empty hallway was chilly, and for that reason, a little sad.

He didn’t have anywhere in particular to go, but he went outside to clear his stuffy head. Darkness had already fallen over the school field. In the distance, he could see a few kids playing basketball. He plopped down on a nearby bench and took out his phone.