ASD 19

“Don’t… touch me.”

Thwack. Gawon swatted Gijun’s hand away without realizing it. It was because the dizzy spell had intensified in that moment.

Even though he was the one in the wrong, he couldn’t apologize first, he had backed away in fear, and now he had even pushed away the hand that was offered to him. He felt like crying. Because he hated and loathed his pathetic self so much. And because he just couldn’t understand Gijun, who was doing all this for someone like him.

“Sorry. I won’t touch you carelessly…”

“Don’t say you’re sorry!”

In the end, he couldn’t help but shout. Gawon glared at Gijun with eyes that were already welling up with tears.

“What are you sorry for? You, what are you sorry for.”

“……”

“I’m the one who misunderstood and acted on my own… I’m the one who swore at you and hit you, so what are you sorry for? For God’s sake.”

“It’s just… I made you upset.”

His unadorned, quiet voice cut through Gawon’s agitated, trembling voice at once. Gijun once again took a large step forward. The distance that had required a long stretch of his arm to bridge became a little smaller. The familiar, comforting scent he always smelled wafted over.

“Today, if I just hadn’t suggested you come over to my house… you would have been happily eating tteokbokki with me outside and going to study like you usually do.”

Gijun scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

“But really, it was because I didn’t know…”

“……”

“I’ll be careful from now on. I won’t make you cry. So.”

“……”

“Can you forgive me?”

At this point, he was dumbfounded. It felt like facing an unsolvable problem. Gawon stared blankly at Gijun’s face.

“…You’re… not angry?”

“About what?”

“I misunderstood you on my own and hit you and swore at you… and all that.”

The venom was completely gone from Gawon’s voice now. He was just curious. To the heart that had been filled with the question of ‘why,’ another question had now been added.

How. How could he do this for him? Gawon learned for the first time in his life that a person who would stand on the street for hours and wait for him could exist in this world.

“In any case, it’s true that I hurt you. …Even if it wasn’t on purpose. Anyway, so whether you swore at me or beat me up, it doesn’t matter.”

“……”

“I just… want you to forgive me.”

Gijun smiled faintly. It was a smile that naturally exuded the余裕 that is unique to the strong. But it also contained a clear wish to be forgiven.

This boy’s voice had power. The power to grab the hand of Gawon, who was deeply consumed by confusion and self-loathing, and pull him to shore.

In that moment, he somehow felt his tension release. They had known each other for less than a month. That was all their relationship was, but he couldn’t help but be surprised by Gijun’s power, which was stronger than he had thought.

Throwing a tantrum just because he didn’t want to show his ugly side now felt futile. He had a gut feeling that he could no longer deceive Gijun with force.

Gawon slowly lowered his head. He nodded a couple of times in that state. For some reason, he couldn’t look Gijun straight in the eye.

“I’m… sorry too. For misunderstanding you so carelessly. And… for swearing at you and hitting you.”

It was a hesitant, small, but clear voice. After apologizing, he felt relieved. Was conveying your apology to someone, was sincerely asking for forgiveness, such a refreshing feeling for the heart? Gawon, who had almost no memory of sharing such a connection with someone, couldn’t know.

“Heh heh.”

Even at such a short and simple apology, Gijun laughed like a fool. It was a laugh that didn’t quite match the smile created by his handsome face.

Gijun’s hand, which had come closer in a rush, once again rested on Gawon’s head. Rustle, rustle. Gawon looked at the boy who was carefully stroking his hair with a face that said he couldn’t understand.

Why does he keep touching my hair like this…. Come to think of it, Gijun really makes a lot of physical contact. The way he casually puts his arm around my shoulder, and the way he sometimes strokes my hair. He always closes the physical distance without any reservation.

“Ah, you said you don’t like being touched. Sorry, sorry.”

“……”

“I don’t know why I keep wanting to touch you like this.”

He didn’t dislike it. It was just that outside, he was a little worried that the other kids would see. Here, where the feet of the school kids didn’t reach, he felt that none of it mattered. So Gawon spoke his honest feelings.

“I don’t dislike it.”

“…Huh?”

“You touching me, …I don’t dislike it.”

He thought that if he said this, Gijun would immediately put on that mischievous smile on his handsome face and get close to him. He thought he would playfully stroke his hair and put an arm around his shoulder.

But Gijun just stared at him with a surprised, blank face. After a not-so-short moment, Gijun’s ears, as he cleared his throat with a ahem, were dyed bright red.

What’s wrong with him.

…But I didn’t mean for him to touch me, did it sound like that?

Suddenly, the heat spread to him. Gawon didn’t know what to do and quickly averted his gaze. Under the glow of the streetlight, Gawon’s face also began to turn red. He had no idea why he was acting like this.

Ahem, ahem. After clearing his throat unnaturally a few times, Gijun abruptly opened his mouth. His voice was so slick that it made one wonder if his momentary awkwardness was just an illusion.

“Ah— I’m hungry.”

“……”

“I want to eat something with Yoon Gawon…”

He said it as if he was meant to be overheard. Anyway, this guy had a knack for charging forward shamelessly. Pfft, a laugh escaped him on its own.

In any case, Gawon was in a position where he had to apologize to Gijun today. He could at least buy him a meal. As long as it wasn’t something expensive….

If possible, he wanted to treat him to something expensive. His feeling of apology was great, and considering how Gijun took him to the snack bar and tteokbokki restaurant every day, treating him to one proper meal wasn’t a waste at all.

But there was absolutely, positively nowhere to get money from. The only money he had on hand was a few ten-thousand won bills he received from a short-term gig peeling onions at an uncle’s restaurant a few days ago. It was a great fortune that he had at least that much.

A Chinese restaurant or a gimbap place is probably okay…. Thinking that far, Gawon carefully asked.

“…What do you want to eat.”

“I want ramen.”

Gijun answered promptly, as if he had been waiting. The menu choice was so modest it made his worries seem pointless. However, there wasn’t even any decent kimchi to eat at home. More than anything, he didn’t want to show Gijun the moldy wallpaper or the cramped interior of his house. Gawon fidgeted with his hands timidly.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t have ramen or kimchi at home. …If you wait here for a little bit, I’ll go in and get some money… let’s eat out.”

“Then there’s a place I know, want to go there? It’s close. They make amazing ramen and udon.”

Did he notice his troubled expression? Gijun smoothly offered another suggestion. Gawon nodded and was just about to turn around to get his money.

“I’m hungry, Gawon. Let’s just go now. There’s no time to stop by your house.”

“Just a minute. I still need to get money…”

“Ah, hurry, hurry. I’m really about to die.”

His house wasn’t even a 30-second walk away, but Gijun was wailing that there wasn’t even time for that. Was he planning to pay today too, since he paid every day? Gawon didn’t want to be treated today of all days, so he shook his head back and forth.

“Just wait a little. I’ll be right back… Today I really have to pay,”

“Ayy, the person who suggests it should pay. Now— hurry, hurry, let’s gooo.”

Gijun, dragging out the end of his sentence like taffy, seemed to be in a very good mood. A firm arm wrapped around his neck. When he pulled him in for a shoulder hug, Gawon’s body fluttered like a paper doll. His stumbling body helplessly clung to Gijun’s chest for a couple of steps.

In what was clearly an embrace, Gawon was startled and pushed against Gijun’s side. In that moment, Gawon couldn’t help but be flustered again. It wasn’t like he was a rock or something… it felt like pushing against a solidly standing wall.

“What, what is this. Why is your body like this.”

“Huh? Why.”

“It doesn’t feel like a human body. Is there… something in here? Or are you wearing some kind of bulletproof vest…”

The flustered Gawon felt around Gijun’s body here and there as if he were searching him. His flat palm fumbled over his stomach and side. The moment his hand finally moved up and touched his broad chest.

“……!”

Gawon’s eyes suddenly widened. The flame that had briefly subsided now began to spread slowly, coloring his entire face and neck. It was because he had belatedly realized what he was doing.

“Gijun. …Sorry. I mean, that was…”

“Uh-huh.”

“…The way I was just, touching, touching… you, it wasn’t with any other intention…”

“Uh-huh, uh-huh.”

His words kept getting twisted because he was flustered. While he was stammering like a fool, Gijun brought his face right up close. Gawon didn’t want to show his heated face or his gaping lips, so he quickly turned his head away.

But the playful gaze followed him tenaciously. He could see Gijun’s face, smiling right in front of his nose. While he was this flustered, he found it annoying that Gijun was the only one smiling cheerfully.

“Whyyy. If that wasn’t your intention, then what was it, huh?”

“Your face is… too close! Go away.”

In the end, he ended up shrieking. As he pushed his face away with his palm, Gijun laughed, “Hahaha.” He laughed so hard his shoulders shook.

I think he laughed like this before when I pushed his face away. Gawon, with his face bright red, glared at Gijun with all his might.