ASD 46

After seeing Gijun off, I came back inside and tidied up the house. I washed the ramen pot and bowls that Gijun and I had eaten from, then went into the bathroom. I took out the laundry I had started in the old washing machine in the corner.

The room became cramped as I carried in the pile of wet laundry and unfolded the drying rack. Gawon’s expression gradually clouded over as he meticulously shook out each piece of clothing and hung it up.

When was the last time his mother’s laundry had been mixed in with this? Come to think of it, it had been almost a week since his mother had come home.

‘…She must have found a man.’

His mood, which had been perfectly bright while he was with Gijun just a moment ago, immediately became somber.

It seemed that as she took on countless clients, feelings would sometimes blossom with a few of them, and relationships would develop. Gawon thought that he had no right to say anything about that. If his mother met someone who cherished her and she became even just a little more comfortable and happy than she was now, there would be nothing more fortunate.

However, unfortunately, the caliber of men his mother had been involved with so far had been abysmal. More often than not, it was hard to tell if they were lovers or thugs sent to keep an eye on her.

I don’t ask for anything else, I just wish they wouldn’t lay a hand on her. If I were to be a little greedier, I wish it would be a man who could protect my mother from the thugs who constantly hit and threatened her…

Gawon let out a deep sigh, finished hanging the wet laundry, then washed a rag and quickly wiped the floor. He had eaten lunch and done the housework, so now it was time to go back to school.

Unlike his house where sweat dripped down even with the fan on, the study hall at school was cool all day long. Coming home after studying late into the night at school felt so rewarding and refreshing.

He took out the math worksheet he had worked on in the morning and packed worksheets for other subjects and reference books. As he was putting his error-correction notebook into his bag, a reference book he had bought at the beginning of his first year of high school caught his eye.

Suddenly, he wanted to take it out and flip through it. He quickly turned the pages, taking in the neat notes he had made in the past. Just then, a postcard tucked into the last page slipped out.

“This is…”

A refreshing emerald green filled the small piece of paper. A shimmering, jewel-like glitter of sunlight on water was engraved upon it. It was a postcard with a printed photo of ocean waves.

A bitter smile appeared on his face. Because he knew what feelings had made him put this postcard here.

I want to see the sea. I want to jump into the giant waves and be embraced by them. I want to swim freely within them until I finally turn into seafoam and disappear without a trace…

He had vaguely held the sea in his heart since he was very young. The sea shown on TV was breathtakingly beautiful.

In truth, he knew where that feeling had come from. The little boy who had lived for only about ten years had, even back then, been earnestly waiting for his life to end. Because to the boy, the world had been just that cruel.

Ordinary people take it for granted. A life that continues on. A future that will be a little brighter than the present.

Even the kids around him all had sparkling, beautiful dreams. They would say they wanted to go here and there once the college entrance exam period was over, and some even taped pictures of beautiful foreign landscapes to their desks.

But Gawon had tucked the postcard away for the complete opposite reason. To postpone death, even for a little while. To desperately search for a reason to prolong his tiresome life. There was only one reason he had doggedly held on to his tenacious life.

He wanted to live an ordinary life like others do, just once. He wanted to commute to a normal job, come home, make dinner, and live an ordinary life like that, then face his final moments at the sea. Since he couldn’t choose the place he was born, he wanted to end his life in a beautiful place he had chosen with his own hands.

But isn’t it strange? Gawon muttered to himself. He had unexpectedly come face to face with the dark thoughts he had secretly harbored, but strangely, his heart was not stirred in the slightest.

Why do I not want to die even when I look at a picture of the sea?

Why is it that when I see this picture, instead of myself turning into seafoam on the dark blue waves as I had long wished, I imagine myself playing cheerfully with Gijun on a sandy beach…?

‘Gawon, hurry. Run faster!’

He could automatically picture Gijun, hopping around excitedly like a puppy. He’s tall and well-built, so if he wore a swimsuit and walked along the beach, he would surely catch a lot of people’s eyes. I kind of don’t like that… I should just make him wear a rash guard. I couldn’t show Gijun’s body, which even I haven’t seen properly (except when treating his wounds), to just anyone.

Gawon continued to imagine things with a smile he wasn’t even aware of. They could splash around to their heart’s content, ride an inner tube, and when they got tired, they could lie on the sand… and they could eat delicious raw fish too.

All of that… will one day become a reality.

“…This feels so good.”

He mumbled aloud. His small voice, even to his own ears, was overcome with a joy that felt embarrassing.

His steps were brisk as he slung his bag over his shoulder and went outside. To make such a beautiful fantasy a reality, he had to be more diligent today than yesterday, and more diligent tomorrow than today.

Gawon, who had been in a taxi, got out at the location Gijun had told him. The building where the competition was being held was bigger than Gawon had vaguely expected.

A pleasant breeze was blowing. A banner that read [20XX The 64th Roden FC Ring League & Youth League], hung prominently on the lower part of the building, flapped vigorously.

Gijun had explained that even though it was an amateur league, the scale was quite large because it was hosted by the biggest MMA organization in the country. Unlike smaller regional matches, many famous coaches and fighters supposedly visited for commentary or observation. As such, it was also considered a prime stage for the debut or scouting of rookies dreaming of going pro.

‘But why aren’t you competing as a pro? With your skills, you could do it right away, couldn’t you?’

‘That’s true, but my father was so dead set against it.’

Gijun had said with an awkward laugh. Even right after his father collapsed, Gijun didn’t start training again immediately. He only started going back to the gym after the one year he had previously promised his father had passed.

Gijun didn’t go pro now, even though he was more than capable of debuting if he wanted to. Instead.

‘I can do it later. I want to have a fun college life with you first.’

How could he not love Gijun, who had said that while stroking his hair so preciously?

It was now the beginning of September, and though every remaining day until the college entrance exam was more precious than gold to Gawon, watching Gijun compete was far more important than that. It would be an unforgettable day for both Gijun and himself in many ways.

Carrying a bouquet he had secretly ordered for Gijun, he entered the competition venue building. It was embarrassing as people’s gazes flickered between him and the bouquet, but it didn’t matter. He was as confident of Gijun’s victory as the self-assured Gijun was. Even if others might laugh and call it cheesy… he absolutely wanted to congratulate him.

Just then, his phone rang. Gawon happily put the phone to his ear.

―You’re here? Gawon. Are you on the first floor? I’ll come up.

“No, I’ll come to you. Where should I go?”

―Then can you come to the first basement floor? The waiting room is right to the left as soon as you come down.

Thump, thump. He got on the elevator, mixing in with the crowd. The moment the doors opened, Gawon was able to immediately see a familiar face. Gijun, dressed in a workout rash guard and shorts, saw Gawon holding the bouquet and his eyes widened in delight.

“Whoa, what’s this? Did you bring this for me?”

“No, it’s for that fighter over there.”

Seeing Gijun grinning from ear to ear, he felt a little mischievous. Gawon gestured with his chin at one of the fighters passing by in the hallway. He had pointed randomly, but as luck would have it, the fighter was tall and handsome. …Though he was a far cry from Gijun.

As soon as he heard that, Gijun’s brightly smiling face hardened in an instant. Looking utterly shocked, he raised a hand to his chest.

“Gawon… My… my heart just dropped.”

“Ahaha.”

“Ha… Just let me meet that bastard in the ring. I’m going to chew him up and spit him out. I’m going to break all his arms and legs so he can’t fight ever again.”

With a crazed expression, he glared at the poor fighter’s back and spewed out a stream of horrifying words. Gawon patted Gijun’s shoulder as if calming a child and held out the flowers.

“Goodness… You’re so scary, I can’t even joke around. Who else would I give this to but you?”

Gijun, who had been muttering like a man unhinged, quickly relaxed his expression, then smiled as he smelled the flowers.

“You brought this because you knew I’d win, didn’t you? Your sense is amazing, seriously.”

“Of course. If you don’t bring back a trophy, I’m going to start calling you a loser from today on.”

He brought up the word Gijun had used a year ago when he was unfairly beaten up by the older students. Gijun laughed out loud, “Hahaha.”

“Wow, shit. No way. Yoon Gawon’s boyfriend has his pride.”

“If you know that, then do a good job.”

He wanted to say something more affectionate along with it, but he felt strangely shy and kept speaking in a joking manner. And yet, Gijun smiled with an expression so sweet it felt like his heart was melting.

“I’m so happy. Gawon. That you came.”

The hand stroking his bangs was warm and gentle. A wave of emotion suddenly washed over him. The boy standing before him felt endlessly precious to Gawon.

Gijun, who had broken his promise with his father because of him. Gijun, who couldn’t go to the gym he loved so much for a whole year. Gijun, who, even though everything was his fault, showed no resentment and instead smiled as if he had the whole world, just from receiving a single bouquet of flowers.

―Ah, ah. Announcement. The break time is now over. We will begin the men’s high school semi-pro matches. Light heavyweight and heavyweight fighters, please enter the waiting room. We repeat this announcement…

The in-house broadcast blared. Gawon, with Gijun, walked through the hallway lined with congratulatory wreaths for the opening and entered the arena. Gijun took Gawon’s hand and led him to a seat in the very front row.

“You can see well, right? You can sit here.”

“Yeah.”

“Cheer for me a lot. I’ll get strength from hearing your voice.”

Gijun smiled innocently. Gawon took a breath and placed a hand on his chest. Gijun, the one actually competing, was perfectly fine, but he was finding it difficult to endure his own heart rate, which was gradually beginning to pound.

In fact, for the past few days, he had been watching a few mixed martial arts matches whenever he had time. He had looked them up out of curiosity about the general atmosphere. And he had been horrified. He had expected it, but it still looked too violent and dangerous.