ASD 42

Gawon pressed his reddened, swollen eyelids with the back of his hand. Come to think of it, Gijun hadn’t given him a clear answer back then. He had just smiled vaguely.

“…What is it?”

Even in this situation, Gawon was curious about Gijun’s answer. It was the same for him, but Gijun also rarely shared his own stories. So he wanted to know. Especially if it was something important and precious to this boy.

“Um.”

As if embarrassed to actually start talking, Gijun kept his mouth shut and paused. Instead, he slowly reached out and gently, comfortingly touched Gawon’s still-feverish eyelids.

Although he had pushed him away until now because he didn’t want to show this side of himself, he didn’t want to refuse the touch of Gijun, who treated him so preciously. Gawon quietly accepted the boy’s caress and waited for his answer.

“I do it to protect… the people who are precious to me.”

As if tracing a distant memory, Gijun’s voice sank into a somber tone.

“It was when I was ten, on a day it was raining a lot. I was playing at school until late, and it got dark… so I asked my mother. To bring me an umbrella.”

His lowered eyelashes cast small, dark shadows. His beautifully shaped lips closed for a moment, then slowly parted.

“Because of… what my father does, I was in a lot of dangerous situations all throughout my childhood. Since I was young, I saw my uncles and other misters get into knife fights countless times, and there were times my mother and I were kidnapped.”

“…Yeah.”

“But I always survived by a stroke of luck. My uncles or my father always came to rescue me. But that day… everyone was a step too late.”

“…”

“My mother was stabbed to death by assailants right in front of my eyes.”

Gawon’s eyes widened. His heart dropped and plummeted to the pit of his stomach.

But even as he spoke of such horrifying and brutal things, Gijun was nonchalant. Gawon immediately recognized that his indifferent attitude, which at first glance made it seem like he was talking about someone else, was not because he was truly unaffected, but was the result of being worn down by countless resignations.

“Those people were originally trying to kill me. My mother shielded me and died in my place. After that, my uncles came and saved me, but… if my mother hadn’t taken the knife for me, I would have been the one to die.”

“…”

“Even as I watched that happen… I was so scared I couldn’t do anything. …I couldn’t even hold my dying mother’s hand once.”

With his head lowered, Gijun looked down at his own palm. He clenched it into a tight fist, then relaxed it again, letting it hang limp. Gijun’s hand, which was so unusually large, just like his height, and which he had wanted to touch at least once, looked even more desolate and rough today.

“I don’t want to be like that anymore. I’m never again going to lose someone right in front of my eyes and regret it.”

Gijun slowly lifted his eyes.

“Gawon. You’re that kind of person to me now. Someone I want to protect with my own hands.”

The boy’s voice was calm, yet at the same time, it was embedded with a firm will.

“So you don’t need to feel sorry towards me. I did it of my own will, because I wanted to.”

Gawon was helplessly captivated by Gijun’s powerful gaze that entangled him. He couldn’t help it. The power burning quietly within his pupils was both alluring and strong.

Everything was a first. Had there ever been someone who wanted to protect him this much? Had there ever been someone who had longed for him like this?

He was a being who was a nuisance even to the person who gave birth to him. But Gijun looked him in the eye and said it. That with those huge, reliable hands, he would protect him.

Although it was a wall built with countless overlapping wounds and scabs on his heart, it was still just something built upon the immature heart of a seventeen-year-old. In the face of a straightforward and steadfast affection that charged at it again and again without hesitation, the sturdy wall could no longer resist and crumbled. The spring that had come to Gawon for the first time was that powerful.

Because he grew up in a gangster family. Because that nature is fully evident in the violence he wields so casually. He could no longer reject Gijun for those reasons. Pushing this boy away out of fear of future wounds had now lost its meaning for Gawon.

Because the boy in front of him was just Gijun. Tall, handsome, eats an incredible amount, full of mischief yet endlessly affectionate and tender towards him, and… just a boy who likes him and wants to protect him.

“…Gijun.”

Gawon fumbled as he reached out his hand. Gawon’s palm awkwardly covered the back of the hand full of scars and the rosary bracelet.

“I… I do too.”

His lips were parched. Gawon moistened his lips with his tongue once and opened his mouth with difficulty.

“I like you too.”

The sincere feelings that had been secretly simmering in his chest finally poured out. The emotions he had secretly harbored, deceiving even himself until now, were as hot as fire, to the point where he couldn’t bear it if he didn’t spit them out.

Only after confessing his heart as if crying out did Gawon open his eyes. Then he saw Gijun’s face, his mouth slightly agape as if he were in a trance.

“…But I, I can’t stand to see… you having a hard time because of me.”

Gawon’s hand slowly slid down from the back of Gijun’s hand. The tips of his fingers, which clutched at the innocent hem of the blanket, turned white. Gawon gnawed on his lip.

“Because of me… you ended up like this. How can you compete in a match when you’re hurt like this?”

“Gawon.”

“And your father… he said if you fight again, he won’t let you do sports. But…”

Because of me.

The endlessly repeating words were painful, so Gawon shut his mouth. The more he spoke, the more the weight of reality settled heavily on his chest. The small, flame-like sincerity he had managed to utter flickered as if about to be extinguished, ruthlessly trampled by that weight.

Even if he could no longer lie about his feelings to this boy, even if he gathered his courage and took a step towards Gijun… he was just a hindrance to him. In the face of that self-evident fact, taking a second step was, for Gawon, too shameless and brazen an act.

“Stop saying it’s because of you. Gawon. It’s not like that.”

Gijun snatched up Gawon’s hand. The hand that had been restlessly picking at the blanket stopped.

“A match? I can just go to the next one for something like that. I have too many medals anyway, I have no use for them all.”

His refreshing voice instantly swept away the thoughts that had been gathering like dark clouds.

“And, um. I can handle my father somehow. His way of expressing himself is a bit extreme… but he still cherishes me. That fact, at least, doesn’t change.”

“…”

“So Gawon.”

Long, firm fingers slipped between Gawon’s small ones.

“Don’t worry, and come to me.”

It was so comfortable that he felt all his tension release. The feeling of their hands fitting together like a welcome rain. So much so that he wanted to pretend he couldn’t resist and accept the warmth coming from their clasped hands. So much so that he wanted to let his head droop and lean on Gijun’s shoulder.

“…Gijun.”

He couldn’t hold it in any longer. Gawon squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them, calling his name as if wringing it out.

“I have something… to say.”

“Yeah?”

Gijun’s innocent gaze, directed at him, was frightening. His heart was pounding like crazy.

Gijun had always said the same thing. That it didn’t matter what situation he was in. He was only being honest about his feelings for him. And he charged straight ahead without fear. Without breaking or tiring no matter what, again and again, impetuously.

It was not an easy thing to say the reason why he had run away in front of such a Gijun. He even had to confess the fact that he had made an issue not of Gijun as a person, but of his family. He, who had misunderstood him for the same reason, had even slapped Gijun’s cheek… how hurt would this boy be?

Perhaps this time, he would really lose all affection and withdraw his feelings for him. The thought made him feel suffocated. Looking at his fingertips, which were even trembling slightly, Gawon finally realized. The depth of his feelings for Gijun.

But, no matter how much that was the case, he had to say it. Because accepting Gijun while hiding the reason he had pushed him away would be a deception to this boy.

Gawon lowered his head. Trying to bring up the story felt like swallowing sharp shards of glass.

“To be honest… the reason I pushed you away last time, it wasn’t… for some other reason.”

“…Then?”

Despite his firm resolve, the words didn’t come out easily. With his lips moving with difficulty, Gawon earnestly wished. That even if Gijun resented him, he couldn’t help it, but that he wouldn’t be too deeply hurt.

“As you know… my mom works at an adult entertainment establishment.”

His mouth went dry. Gawon continued speaking with his head down, barely managing.

“So since I was young, I lived under the watch of gangsters… people like that. If my mom ran away, or if her performance wasn’t good, or if she couldn’t get as many customers as they wanted, they would always barge into our house without mercy. They would catch my mom when she ran away, hit her and harass her in front of me…, and trash our house.”

With his gaze lowered, there was no way of knowing what expression Gijun was making. No, he was afraid to look at his face.

“I’m… still scared of those people. I was scared of them my whole life, and… I probably will be in the future too.”

Gawon’s gloomy voice continued.

“That’s why… that’s why… I couldn’t easily accept it when you confessed. If I saw you, who belongs to their world, I felt like then… my heart would really just collapse completely.”

“…”

“You treated me without caring about that stuff even after hearing the rumors about me… but I’m sorry I couldn’t do the same. …This is what I wanted to tell you.”

After finishing his words, Gawon clenched both his fists. Now it was time to wait for Gijun’s verdict. Taking a deep breath, Gawon closed his eyes. It felt like his pounding heart was about to be wretchedly thrown up. Was Gijun… very angry? Was he hurt?

The silence was not long.

“So that’s what it was.”

A hand as hot as fire was placed on top of Gawon’s.

“Yoon Gawon, I also… have something to say about that.”

“…?”

“When I first learned about your situation, to be honest… I was relieved.”

A low voice filled the damp room.

“You must have grown up on the same streets as me. Then you’d be able to understand me better than anyone. We both know how dirty this world is. So you and I… we must be the same kind.”

“…”

“That’s what I thought… but I was a fucking idiot.”

Letting out a dry sigh, Gijun rubbed his face with his other hand. His lowered gaze looked troubled.

“I just, we were… nothing but perpetrators to you.”

Gawon shook his head at Gijun.

“Gijun, that’s not what I meant about you.”

“I know. But the world I belong to… it hurt you.”

Gijun lowered his head.

“I’m sorry. Gawon. For thinking that on my own.”

“…”

“…And for hurting you.”