JKA 28

“And so.”

“Even if they m-match, could it be a lie?”

“…”

“I mean, wh-what I’m saying is.“And so.”

“Even if they m-match, could it be a lie?”

“…”

“I mean, wh-what I’m saying is. Could H-Hanbyeol be l-lying to me?”

“It’s possible.”

1129 took off his apron and hung it up, answering nonchalantly.

“There are definitely people who can lie without a change in their expression. Why couldn’t Im Hanbyeol do it? He’s probably better at that sort of thing than you are.”

“Th-that’s n-not what I meant.”

“…”

“I mean, that… Wh-what I’m trying to say is.”

Jiwoon’s mind became complicated with a sudden thought. Coming home and smelling the food 1129 had cooked, he felt the tension that had been gripping his body release. It was a kind of relief. But when was the last time Hanbyeol felt this emotion? How long ago was it for him?

And who was it that erased that feeling and kept making him anxious even though he lived so diligently and sincerely? Was it the demon? Jiwoon suddenly had a thought that it wasn’t.

“He told me that th-thinking of his mom is all there is. But I-I don’t think that’s it.”

“…”

“Do you think the demon o-only talked about that?”

“What are you curious about?”

“…”

“Are you saying you think Im Hanbyeol hid something from you, that he deliberately left only that part out? And that’s why you called it a lie?”

Jiwoon nodded his head. He didn’t think there was a lie in what Hanbyeol had said. But it also felt like they had had a strange conversation, as if he had to tell a lie in order to hide something.

“…D-does H-Hanbyeol want to kill his f-father?”

“I don’t know.”

“Aren’t you answering too carelessly?”

Jiwoon snapped and shouted for a moment. However, 1129’s expression didn’t change at all, and he spoke lightly as if it were nothing.

“Because that’s the truth.”

“…”

“He might want to kill him. He could feel that way, or he might not. How can I know every single one of those things?”

1129 pulled out a chair and sat in a spot where no utensils or rice bowl were placed. The rice bowl and utensils were always placed only in front of Jiwoon. It was because 1129 didn’t particularly need to eat. No, was that right? Actually, Jiwoon didn’t know. Because he had never asked.

He just thought, that’s probably how it is. This was a being who adjusted the composition of his own bodily fluids with the thought that it would be edible if it were sweet. A non-human being. Because he wasn’t human, Jiwoon, of course, knew nothing about him. But was that really just because he wasn’t human?

It could be because he didn’t ask, or perhaps because it was something he couldn’t readily ask. Just as 1129 said, it was impossible to know every single thing. Even if it were another human, even if it were a friend, wasn’t it impossible to know everything?

And it was also impossible to say every single one of those things. While sitting side-by-side with Hanbyeol and talking about this and that, was there nothing he had hidden from him? There definitely was. There were things he hid, and things he didn’t say because there was no particular need to.

Jiwoon looked at 1129, who was already sitting at the table, then roughly put his bag down and went to the bathroom to wash his hands. While Jiwoon habitually did what 1129 told him to do, he was gazing blankly at Jiwoon. In truth, 1129 knew everything about the conversation Jiwoon had with Hanbyeol.

It wasn’t that 1129 followed Jiwoon around every day. Sometimes he would leave for work, and other times he would just spend his time doing housework. And very occasionally, he would fly up very high and just float there.

But today, he had secretly followed Jiwoon. And he had been watching Jiwoon continuously while hiding himself. Hanbyeol was an intuitive human, so he deliberately kept his distance and focused only on the two’s conversation. He also just stared intently at Jiwoon’s face as he talked about this and that. It was a first for 1129.

After washing his hands, Jiwoon felt 1129’s gaze and sat down across from him. He wasn’t particularly hungry, nor was he in the mood to eat, but don’t you somehow feel like if someone is sitting at the table, you should quickly sit down too? It was like that.

“If I h-had noticed right away, I would have asked him directly. But at the time, I didn’t think of that at all.”

Jiwoon said, almost like making an excuse, without even picking up his utensils.

“When we were together, I was just focused on whether I was speaking well, so I didn’t even have thoughts like that. In the morning, you also talked about expressions and stuff…”

“…”

“What kind of expression he was making and what it meant. Th-that alone was an incredibly overwhelming task for me.”

Jiwoon fiddled with his fingers like a guilty person. 1129 just watched Jiwoon quietly. He seemed to know what he wanted to say. Jiwoon was not good at hiding or concealing things. You could tell what he was thinking just by looking at his eyes.

“But thinking about it, th-there’s a demon next to him. Then he could say something like that, you know. Actually, d-don’t you want to kill your f-father? Then if he just answers, yes, like that, it’s over.”

“…”

“‘Don’t you die, just kill that bastard.’ I remembered you saying that he could be tempted if he heard something like that. If you weren’t just giving an example, but you said it because that’s really happening…”

“If it is?”

“How do I stop it?”

At Jiwoon’s question, 1129 let out a hollow laugh. It was because he was genuinely dumbfounded. He didn’t even know what he wanted to say or how he should say it, and all he could do was barely talk by beating around the bush. Who is helping whom, he thought. Above all, the situation was absurd.

“Stop it? You?”

“…”

“Do you even know why I came here?”

“…”

“Did you even properly tell Im Hanbyeol that story?”

Jiwoon shut his mouth at 1129’s question. Since Hanbyeol had opened up about his family matters, he had also talked about his own circumstances. That his parents’ expectations had been too high since he was young, and he couldn’t meet them properly. Growing up like that, his self-esteem gradually dropped, and in the end, he chose to be alone.

The longer that time went on, the harder it became to make eye contact with others, and it even led to him refusing to go to school. Even now, it was actually hard to talk to people, and he was afraid of what they would think of him. That’s what he said. But he didn’t talk about his brother dying when he was young, nor did he talk about how he had tried to die several times.

He just couldn’t tell that kind of story. That he had made up his mind to die, no, not that he had made up his mind, but that such thoughts had been eating away at him for a very long time. That in fact, even now he sometimes, no, very often has such thoughts. How could he possibly say such things?

“You didn’t talk about you wanting to die, did you? You didn’t even bring up the story of how you were dying to die, did you? And you’re going to help someone else? Do you think he can say something like that out loud?”

“…”

“Anyone can have thoughts. Doing it or not is their own choice. My goodness, this is crazy. An angel comes down just to save one little bastard cooped up in a corner of his room? Do you even know how many times you chanted about wanting to die…”

1129 was angry. Not pretending to be angry to suit the conversational context, but genuinely angry. Who is worried about whom, it was absurd. When he couldn’t even find a reason to live himself, what did it matter whether Im Hanbyeol made a contract with a demon or not?

He couldn’t stand how irritating everything was from one to ten. He had never said a single thing to him, who had asked so persistently what the problem was, yet sitting next to Hanbyeol, he had babbled on and on, even about things he wasn’t asked.

Of course, he had told him those things. That he should talk while looking at his face, and it was true that he was the one who encouraged him to have such a conversation with Hanbyeol. But why was everything so grating? Why did a human who had been steeped in depression the entire time he was by his side suddenly change his mind in an instant, like flipping his palm, and act so proactively?

Was the reason he couldn’t understand that heart because he wasn’t human? No matter how many times he asked himself, no answer came. It reminded him of that time when he was protecting the memories of billions of humans, trying hard not to touch them carelessly, just standing guard in that empty darkness.

After touching just one, he had pleaded with Him countless times to let him touch the crystals of memory again. But after a long time had passed and he was given the role of protecting the crystals of memory in that place, he found he couldn’t touch them at all.

He felt exactly like that right now. He wanted to know, but he didn’t want to know anything. He couldn’t understand what he wanted. He just couldn’t understand. So in this moment, he was no different from Jiwoon.

“Should I praise you or something? Seeing you think of others before yourself, if you do well, there might be a spot for you in heaven. Is that what you want to hear?”

“That’s not it…”

“…”

“I just wanted you to t-teach me. What I should do from now on.”

“…”

“You said to t-talk while looking at his face, so I did that. But for things that don’t work even then, wh-what should I do? And I asked and listened, but doing nothing. And…”

Jiwoon just felt like he was standing in that funeral hall. He felt like he was just standing there, half-knowing and half-not-knowing what was happening to him. Perhaps he had been standing there continuously ever since that day.

Tears poured from Jiwoon’s eyes. He had no way of knowing why he was suddenly crying. I mean, it wasn’t the first time 1129 had gotten angry and annoyed with him, but he couldn’t understand why it felt so sorrowful today.

“I… don’t e-even know why you’re angry. Why is thinking that I want to h-help him something to be angry about?”

“…”

“Did I do something wrong?”

Seeing Jiwoon, whose face was flushed beet red, asking him with tears streaming down his face, 1129 felt his mind go blank for a moment. Jiwoon had done nothing wrong. That was clearly a fact. If he decided to live with the desire to help Hanbyeol, that in itself was a good thing.

It was a much more valuable result than resolving, one by one, the dozens, hundreds of complaints he sent up with all sorts of reasons to die. But why was he angry? 1129 also couldn’t understand this feeling of something boiling up from within his chest.

This was the first time he had felt such an intense emotion since touching the crystal of memory. All his actions were nothing more than imitating humans. But right now, he wasn’t imitating. 1129 was genuinely in anguish. This wasn’t the emotion he had wanted to feel. He hadn’t cut his wings because he wanted to get angry over such a trivial matter. …Then why did I cut my wings again?

“I have no interest in anything other than you living or dying.”

“…”

“No, it’s not my job.”