PAX 43

How did such a bizarre situation end up in front of me, anyway?

I sank into fundamental agony once again.

🎈🤍

I opened my eyes at the sensation of the car coming to a stop. It seemed I had fallen asleep while agonizing. The surroundings were completely dark.

“Get out.”

Looking around, I saw it was the vacant lot at the entrance to the mountain where I had left my bike. I looked at Ahn Yutan, a bit surprised.

“You drove me all the way here?”

I asked in a muffled voice.

“Get lost, quickly. Before I decide to take you back to Seoul again.”

I hurried out of the car.

“Thanks.”

I said it quickly before closing the car door. Just before the door latched completely, I briefly made eye contact with Ahn Yutan.

I headed toward my bike, still bewildered. What a straightforward situation, after all?

I heard the sound of a car door opening from behind. When I looked back, Ahn Yutan, who had gotten out of the car, was standing in front of the open door, looking my way.

I had been walking while looking back, so I slowed to a stop.

What is it? So there was another ulterior motive after all.

Overcome with a slightly ominous feeling, I slowly turned toward Ahn Yutan. I could have quickly jumped on my bike and flown off, but regardless, I am a being within Ahn Yutan’s radar, and I know well that momentary escape is not a solution in front of him.

“Why?”

Even though I somehow felt I didn’t want to hear the answer, I asked anyway.

Ahn Yutan, who had been silent, wiped under his nose once and then walked toward me.

I stood still, watching Ahn Yutan get closer. Since the only light around was the taillights of the Bronco, I couldn’t see Ahn Yutan’s expression in great detail.

Ahn Yutan, who had come to stand in front of me, lightly slapped my cheek. It was enough to make a small tap sound.

“I drove you all the way here, and you can’t even say thank you?”

I rubbed my cheek, which felt strangely ticklish.

“I did.”

“If the words you said didn’t reach my ears, can you really say you said them?”

“Thanks. For driving me here.”

Ahn Yutan stared at me, moving the corners of his lips little by little. The scent of leaves and tree bark was carried on the wind. In the distance, wild dogs barked a few times before falling quiet.

“Are you going back to Seoul?”

“Then where else would I go?”

Do you want to sleep in my room? The words almost came out suddenly. Although Ahn Yutan’s attitude is, as always, a bit insufferable, somehow… well. I don’t know. I thought it might actually be nice.

If he came in through the window to sleep and slipped out through the window at dawn, wouldn’t that be okay? Since it’s a long way from here to Seoul, anyway.

Ahn Yutan coming into my room, as I had imagined on some nights. Ahn Yutan getting on top of my body. Ahn Yutan grabbing my two knees to spread them and entering inside.

The teeth of Ahn Yutan biting at my cheek.

The two of us struggling to not make a loud sound.

I swallowed hard.

“Yeah.”

I said shortly and nodded.

“Bye….”

I was about to say goodbye, but Ahn Yutan’s face suddenly leaned in close. I heard a very faint sound of lips parting. Even though it was a tiny sound, it felt excessively loud.

After our lips stuck together with a smack, I closed my eyes. It felt as if a solid spinning top had suddenly whirled in the very center of my head. Ahn Yutan’s breath warmed my cheeks.

Ahn Yutan kissed like someone eating a juicy fruit in their hand. Like someone who bites the same spot repeatedly, sucks it, and bites it again, just to ensure not a single drop of juice spills. No, was that me? Was I the one who did that to Ahn Yutan’s lips?

I stumbled backward, pushed by Ahn Yutan, who was coming even closer. At the same time, Ahn Yutan grabbed my face with both hands. Simultaneously, I grabbed Ahn Yutan’s waist. One of Ahn Yutan’s feet stepped on my foot before stepping beside it. A small sound, creak, occurred. It was a very small, yet excessively loud sound.

The sound of Ahn Yutan’s breathing audible nearby, the sound of lips sticking together, parting, and sliding against each other—they were all very small yet excessively loud. The solid spinning top whirled and whirled inside my tightly shut eyelids. We kissed without tangling our tongues, only sucking and chewing on each other’s lips. It was a kiss so slippery and so soft that it felt as if my whole body was becoming bright red and hard.

When Ahn Yutan pulled his lips away, the spinning top toppled over, rotated slowly, and tumbled to the ground. Feeling the afterimage of that rotation, I opened my eyes.

Ahn Yutan was peering at my face, his hands still cupping my cheeks. Even as my heart was melting into a puddle, it felt as if it were continuing to pump violently.

Looking into Ahn Yutan’s pupils and feeling his palms cupping my two cheeks, I imagined the scene of Ahn Yutan beating Yonghee. Either Ahn Yutan doing it himself, or ordering the two Guardians to do it while he sat behind them, encouraging them while ravenously devouring something. I imagined Ahn Yutan as a complete villain.

In that way, I reconstructed my melting heart and calmed the pumping. I used Yonghee in that way.

This kiss isn’t my first kiss with Ahn Yutan. During the day, when we had sex in the apartment, Ahn Yutan and I had bitten and sucked on each other’s lips. Throughout the sex, we grabbed each other’s faces and bit at our lips several times. Our tongues tangled frantically, sucking as if to pull the other’s tongue out, entering and exiting each other’s mouths, roughly sweeping the inside of our mouths, and our teeth clashing. Yet, for some reason, what just happened felt like my first kiss with Ahn Yutan.

Perhaps that’s why. Perhaps that is why I had to forcibly reconstruct my melting heart and silence the wanton, thumping pumping. As if calming down a version of myself that was about to charge somewhere.

Ahn Yutan, who seemed to be sweeping over every corner of my face, pressed down on my lower lip with his thumb. Then he tilted his head again, sucked my lower lip hard, and let go.

As Ahn Yutan’s lips pulled away, his hands, breath, and body heat receded as well.

“Lunch date over.”

Ahn Yutan gave a wry smile, slapped my cheek again with a tap, then immediately turned his body and walked toward the car.

I watched the silhouette of Ahn Yutan, who walked while leaning ever so slightly to the right.

Ahn Yutan moved away without slowing his pace or looking back, got into the car, and closed the door. The Bronco, wearing red and yellow lights in the front and back, wobbled away.

I stood there until those red and yellow lights completely disappeared into the end of the darkness, then pulled the knife out of my combat boots. Even in the darkness, my knife reliably showed me where the sharp edge was. I sliced my lower lip with the pointed tip of its gently curved edge. Along with a stinging pain, I felt blood immediately spring forth. As if something that had been blocked had been cleared, only then could I breathe properly. For a while, I breathed desperately, like someone who had just emerged from being deeply submerged in water.

While curling my lower lip inward and sucking on it, I rubbed the knife tip against my pants to wipe it before sliding it back into its sheath. My mouth was full of the metallic taste of blood. When I bit down firmly on my lower lip, the pain flooded in more intensely.

While getting on my bike and heading to the Pachulso, I repeatedly bit my lower lip and swallowed the blood that welled up. I repeatedly recalled Ahn Yutan’s face, which seemed to suddenly lurch close to mine.

Recalling repeatedly means also erasing repeatedly. It meant that I had been doing the act of erasing it, only for it to reappear, and then erasing it again in succession. That was how Ahn Yutan kept disappearing and appearing.