NANOM Ch 9

I was once again not under the sun that was beating down as if to kill me, but inside a car where the temperature and humidity were being coolly controlled. Today was the day I went to tutor Jihyuk.

After finishing my preparations early and stepping outside, I saw a familiar car. My eyes widened. The chauffeur who got out of the car said the same thing he always did today and told me to get in.

The fact that the comfort of the seat and the smooth ride with nothing to bother me now felt familiar was a little absurd, even to me. I silently placed the phone I had been exchanging messages with Jihyuk on top of my knee.

[I sent a car today, so take that to come over.]

Jihyuk’s message was still displayed on the phone screen, which was still lit up. A small sigh escaped me as soon as I saw it. Thanks to him, I was traveling comfortably, but what would have happened if we had missed each other? He could have at least contacted me in advance…

I always returned home in the car Jihyuk had prepared for me after the tutoring session was over, but it was different when I was departing. To begin with, Jihyuk had never sent a car for me when I was leaving for tutoring, except for the day we had made an appointment in advance, and I also had different starting points each time, such as my mother’s hospital or the school library. That was why I couldn’t help but be flustered to see Jihyuk’s car sent abruptly to my house today.

‘What kind of whim is this…’

I let out a sigh inside the car, which was heading in a different direction than usual. My anxious gaze kept furtively glancing out the car window. After nibbling on my lip, I mustered the courage to call Jihyuk. Come to think of it, this seemed to be the first time I was calling this kid.

What if he doesn’t answer. Come to think of it, I saw him put his phone on silent when we were in the car together last time. Not only then, but I had almost never seen Jihyuk’s phone ring with sound, so there was a high possibility he wouldn’t answer my call either. Then what should I do. Do I just have to be dragged along without even knowing where I’m going?

However, it was a needless worry. The call connected before the ringing tone sounded even a couple of times.

—Where are you. Are you on your way?

There was even a hint of laughter in his relaxed voice. Without even seeing him, I could clearly picture Jihyuk’s face, smiling mischievously on the other side of the phone. I asked in an urgent tone.

“Where are we going right now?”

—You’ll know when you get here.

“Jihyuk. We have to study today…”

—I won’t do anything else, we’re going to study, so don’t worry and just come.

With those words, the brief call ended. The second sigh that escaped was a bit deeper. How could he be so willful. It seemed this kid didn’t even consider the possibility that the other person might refuse what he says. Or maybe he wouldn’t even care whether they refused or not.

The car drove for a while before, unexpectedly, dropping me off in a bustling downtown area. Following the chauffeur’s instructions to enter the cafe in front of me, I opened the door and went inside. Dangle-ring, the bell hanging above the door rang with a clear and refreshing sound.

The inside of the cafe was so well air-conditioned that it felt cool. Since it was long past lunchtime, it didn’t seem like there were many people inside. Standing at the entrance on the first floor of the cafe, I looked around for Jihyuk. Just then, my phone buzzed briefly. Vzzz.

[Just come straight up to the second floor.]

Was he watching me come in from outside? …It was a plausible guess since the wall was made entirely of glass. I felt my face flush for no reason, thinking he might have seen everything, even me hesitating and looking around after getting out of the car. I gripped the shoulder strap of my backpack, which was already starting to pill even though I hadn’t bought it long ago, and slowly stepped up the stairs.

The second floor was spacious and quiet. I could see Jihyuk’s face, sitting around the middle of the window tables that were lined up. He must have been watching something on his phone, because upon noticing me, he took the earphones out of his ears. And then, he smiled, his eyes crinkling ever so slightly.

“Teacher.”

His calm voice calling me was unfamiliar. In that house, he was the Jihyuk who had pressured me with his entire being. But the Jihyuk waiting for me here now seemed like just a boy.

Of course, that doesn’t mean he looked ordinary like other people. Jihyuk was wearing a collared t-shirt and jeans like other kids his age, but his long, thick limbs, his handsome face that made one hold their breath for a moment every time they saw it, and the cool temperature that settled in his languidly lowered eyes were things that were hard to see in kids his age.

“What are you doing. Hurry up and come over.”

The corners of his mouth, which lifted coolly, were manly. I had stopped in my tracks for a moment and was staring at Jihyuk’s face as he sat by the window, but I was startled back to my senses and moved my feet.

“Ah, yeah.”

As I sat down, I carefully chided Jihyuk.

“Did you want to have tutoring outside? You should have told me in advance then.”

“You would’ve said no then.”

“……”

At his neat and perfectly impertinent reply, I just shut my mouth. It was too late to point out his manner of speaking to this kid anyway.

“You don’t like it here? Should we move somewhere else.”

“No, that’s not what I meant.”

“It’s hot, so drink that first.”

Come to think of it, in front of me were three drinks in total: a cool iced americano, an iced latte, and what appeared to be a fruit-flavored smoothie, one of each. Feeling dumbfounded, I stared blankly at Jihyuk.

“…What is all this?”

“Coffee and a smoothie.”

“No, I mean, why three drinks…”

“I didn’t know your preference, so I just bought a few different things.”

I was speechless looking at Jihyuk, who had finished his brief explanation. In front of Jihyuk, there was only a single, almost empty glass of iced americano. I cautiously offered him the smoothie, saying he should have some too, but Jihyuk shook his head, saying he was fine.

What should I do with this. I can’t just throw it all away, what a waste. I should get it to go later. With that thought, I put my lips to the straw stuck in the iced americano and took a long sip. Sluurp. It was so cold it made my head throb.

“…Let’s open our books.”

Only a quiet piano piece echoed within the cafe; the inside was so quiet it felt sacred. Only one group that looked like a couple was chatting in a very small voice far away, looking out the window.

The window showing the sky full of cotton-ball clouds and the lyrical, slow-tempo piano music. It felt as if time was flowing slowly only here.

Although he had brought me here in a rather forceful manner, Jihyuk surprisingly didn’t cause any trouble and quietly solved the problems. Seeing Jihyuk’s face, listening meekly to my explanations with his chin propped on his hand, felt unfamiliar no matter how many times I looked at him. Watching him focus solely on the lesson without any unexpected behavior, the thought even crept up that it wouldn’t be so bad to do this outside from time to time in the future.

The more I tutored him, the more I felt that Jihyuk’s skills were not bad. No, rather, the word “excellent” suited him better. I could feel the gap with Jiwon, which I had felt was rather large when I first tested him, gradually narrowing. Jiwon was still exceptional, but it was certain that Jihyuk was also at a level where he could definitely consider Korea University. That is, if he takes the exam without any trouble of his own volition.

The thought of the exam suddenly made my chest feel a little tight. The day I saw Jihyuk’s father, the burden in my heart could only grow heavier after that.

At first, my only thought was, how could I possibly control Jihyuk. It was Jihyuk’s tutoring that I had started with the thought of just doing what I could, since his mother had asked me to, and since I was short on money anyway.

However, as the time I spent with Jihyuk increased week by week, the sense of responsibility I felt towards him also grew. It wasn’t because I had developed an emotional bond with Jihyuk as a teacher and student. It was a kind of pressure, a burden. I was not shameless enough to be simply happy about the fact that the tutoring fee I was receiving in exchange for teaching him was high.

I have to lead Jihyuk to take the exam somehow.

At some point, I had no choice but to come to that conclusion.

“Are you done?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Can you look at this problem?”

I was circling the listed problems, then stopped my ballpoint pen at a certain one and drew a line under the text. Scribble, scribble.

“Remember you got this wrong last time? You got it right today. They just changed the numbers, the application method is the same… Why, why are you looking at me like that?”

I was chattering away excitedly, then stopped talking without realizing it. It was because Jihyuk was looking at me with a smiling face. It was an excessively sweet smile to be just because he got a problem right.

“Did I do a good job?”

“Huh? Uh-huh. You did a great job.”

At his sudden question, I nodded with a clueless expression.

“If I did a good job, then pat my head.”

“…Huh?”

Jihyuk said slyly and lowered his head a little, offering it to me. I couldn’t help but widen my eyes at him.

He had called me a dirty gay faggot and all that, so why on earth was Jihyuk demanding this kind of contact from me without any hesitation? The act of stroking the head of a boy who was almost a grown adult was not something done often, no matter how close the teacher-student relationship was.

“Sud-denly, why…”

“You said I did a good job. Don’t you know about rewards?”

Jihyuk demanded with a brazen expression.

“Or should I ask you to do something else?”

It was the same as always, I couldn’t tell if it was a threat or a request. I had no choice but to quickly scan our surroundings before extending my hand and placing it on top of Jihyuk’s head. Patting Jihyuk’s head was something I had never even imagined.

I could feel his thick, coarse strands of hair directly. But as I carefully slid my hand over it, it also seemed surprisingly soft. Jihyuk, who had been receiving my touch with a blank expression, suddenly burst out laughing.

“It’s not as disgusting as I thought.”

“……”

There he goes again. It seemed Jihyuk thought of gays as some kind of alien life form. My mood soured rapidly and I tried to snatch my hand away, but a strong grip came and quickly snatched my wrist. Jihyuk, who pulled my wrist hard as if handling a toy, looked at my shoulder and upper body being yanked towards him and raised the corners of his mouth mischievously.

“Let go. I told you not to touch my body like this…!”

“Teacher.”

Jihyuk, smiling brightly, straightened the index finger of his other hand and tapped my lips. Tap, tap.

“Please be quiet. There are other people here.”

I felt indignant, but just as Jihyuk said, there were people at other tables, so I shut my mouth for the time being. My wrist was still held fast in Jihyuk’s grip.

Come to think of it, it seemed like getting my wrist grabbed and being mocked by Jihyuk was a regular occurrence whenever we met. The fact that the grip of his hand, which had a fire-like heat, felt familiar was quite a funny and sad thing.

He playfully squeezed the hand holding my wrist tightly, then loosened his grip and fiddled with it. Then he muttered to himself.

“Are you a woman? Why is your wrist so thin.”

“Let go of this…”

“Are gays’ wrists usually this thin? It feels like it would break if I squeezed it hard.”

A sigh escaped me on its own as I listened to his innocent chatter, devoid of any malice. When I yanked my hand away hard once more, Jihyuk surprisingly let go of my wrist obediently. Jihyuk, who was smiling with a grin, stood up from his seat.

“I’ll be right back from the restroom.”

I stared blankly at Jihyuk’s back as he walked towards the stairs leading down to the first floor. I was nicely swept up in his pace again today. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I had never once gotten the upper hand on Jihyuk.

I organized the scattered printouts and workbooks on the table, and gathered the writing utensils into my pencil case. I looked pitifully at the water droplets forming and running down the surface of the glass cup and had a pointless thought. The smoothie is fine since it’s just crushed ice, but the iced latte will taste really bad once the ice melts…

Why isn’t he coming back. As Jihyuk’s absence grew longer than expected, I casually turned my head towards the large window. At that moment, my eyes met directly with Jihyuk, who was leaning against a wall.

The scene that entered my eyes was him leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette. The way he was standing askew on the ground with his long legs looked just like a model. The way he held the cigarette in his hand and the way he flicked the ash hanging off the end of it were excessively natural.

However, I held my breath not just because of the fact that Jihyuk, a student, was smoking. It was because Jihyuk’s gaze, looking at me from across the glass window, was so deep and intense it felt like it would swallow me whole.

Slowly, smoke is exhaled from between his lips. Through the hazy gray smoke, his languid yet piercing eyes were visible. It was completely different from the face that had been sitting across from me just a moment ago, pulling my wrist and playing around. He was like a huge beast lurking under dark water, with only its two eyes silently revealed, observing its prey.

Jihyuk, while smoking, held my gaze like that for a few seconds with just a pane of glass between us. He might have felt my trembling gaze. I hurriedly turned my head away.

‘…Haaa…’

The one caught doing something bad was Jihyuk, not me, but for some reason my own heart was pounding. Thump-thump. Of course, of course I have to make him stop. After a brief deliberation, I left my bag at the seat and stood up, heading down to the first floor.

When I opened the back door of the cafe, I saw a space designated for smoking. And Jihyuk was standing there, smoking. Even as he saw me walking straight towards him, there was no change in Jihyuk’s expression.

As I approached, Jihyuk languidly curved the corners of his eyes. Then, in a relaxed voice, he asked me.

“Teacher, would you like one too?”

I was so dumbfounded that my mouth fell slightly open. Even though I was openly staring at him with a flabbergasted expression, Jihyuk showed no sign of hurry and took a drag of his cigarette. The side profile of his handsome face hollowed out, then came out again, exhaling a noxious smoke. I turned my head and frowned.

“Cough, you, in front of a teacher, a cigarette, cough.”

“Have you ever smoked before?”

It was a random question. Regardless, I waved my hand in front of my nose to drive the smoke away. Still coughing like an idiot.

“…No.”

Looking down at me shaking my head, Jihyuk smiled.

“Want to try one?”

The deep dimple next to his long mouth, and the cigarette held between his long, thick fingers. And the truly insane Woo Jihyuk, unhesitatingly offering a cigarette to me, his teacher.

It wasn’t that I had an aversion to cigarettes themselves. Because Taejun hyung, who was so good at studying and so proper, would sometimes smoke in front of me. I, still in my school uniform, would just stand there silently and watch the then-student Taejun hyung smoke. Sometimes, by the wall in front of my house. Sometimes, in a more secluded alley, watching the slowly setting sun.

Hyung had suggested I try it before, but I shook my head each time. The reason was simple. I thought if I got hooked on cigarettes, it would be hard to quit, and then I would have a fixed expense.

It felt just like I had gone back to that time. To that time when I would just stand there and watch hyung smoke as if mesmerized. I shook my head.

“…No. I’m fine.”

At my refusal, Jihyuk nodded his head matter-of-factly. I stood blankly next to Jihyuk, who was about to finish his cigarette, and impulsively asked him.

“…If I tell you to stop smoking right now, will you put out the cigarette?”

“Why should I put it out?”

He had an expression as if he genuinely didn’t know. His shamelessness knew no bounds, so it was actually hard to bring up common sense. I licked my lips with my tongue.

“…You’re not an adult yet. And I’m your… teacher. You shouldn’t… do this in front of your teacher.”

I was embarrassed even as I said it. What kind of teacher am I, always getting my wrist grabbed and dragged around, and unable to speak a single word properly like an idiot. I know it too. Until now, I had never once properly talked back to this kid, let alone won a battle of wills.

But I wanted Jihyuk to listen to me, just for this one moment. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I wanted to erase the helpless image of myself, who couldn’t say anything to the idol-like Taejun hyung back then and could only watch him with an anxious gaze.

Jihyuk and Taejun hyung have nothing to do with each other, but strangely, the me of now no longer wanted to be a presence that could just be made to stand still in front of the person before me. I wanted my words to bring about a change in Jihyuk’s behavior. Even if it was just the trivial act of putting out a cigarette, something that meant nothing.

As expected, Jihyuk burst out laughing with a pfft sound. But I didn’t turn away my gaze that was looking up at Jihyuk with my lips pressed firmly together.

In addition to that, for my part, I had to at least observe the minimum of decorum. Even if this kid and I were only a few years apart, and so these words of mine might sound ridiculous to Jihyuk. For now, Jihyuk and I met as a private tutor and a student, and we were out to have a lesson now, so I had a duty to interfere at least this much.

But Jihyuk unexpectedly opened his mouth, readily and cheerfully.

“Yes. I’ll put it out. It’s an order from my teacher.”

“……”

“I’m teacher’s student, so I’ll listen well.”

Jihyuk, who said that with a smile, looked down at me and casually stubbed out the cigarette he was holding in his fingers against the wall. The lit end of the cigarette scraped against it, and small red embers scattered. The ash, dancing in the suffocatingly hot summer sunlight, looked like an illusion.

Whatever he was so happy about, Jihyuk was smiling broadly. I mulled over Jihyuk’s unfamiliar words, that he would listen to me well, to myself. It was just a few weeks ago that he had forced me to be a well-behaved teacher.

“I’m a good boy, right.”

Jihyuk asked in a cheerful tone.

“I listen to my teacher well too. Makes it worth teaching me, right?”

I blinked my eyes for a moment, stunned. It was because Jihyuk, asking that, looked incredibly happy.

But I soon nodded my head slowly. At my small-voiced reply of “Yeah. That’s nice,” Jihyuk smiled with satisfaction and threw the extinguished cigarette into an ashtray. And he led the way back into the cafe.

Coming back into the cafe, I picked up Jihyuk’s phone that he had tossed carelessly on the table, and asked for the drinks that were melting into water to be packaged to go. While the employee was transferring the drinks into takeout cups, I asked Jihyuk in a small voice.

“…Why did you want to have tutoring outside today?”

At my question, Jihyuk raised his eyebrows. He had a look that said, why are you asking something like that.

“Just because? We hung out at home last time.”

“……”

“I wanted to try hanging out outside too after finishing tutoring with you.”

After giving a perfectly concise answer, Jihyuk took the carrier holding the takeout cups from the hand of the employee who said, “Here are your drinks.” Seeing the employee’s gaze tremble and waver after making eye contact with Jihyuk for a moment, I hurriedly asked Jihyuk.

“Hang out? …Where?”

“Have dinner. With me.”

He spoke as if he had already made an appointment with me. His tone felt so natural that I was dumbfounded and my mouth opened slightly.

“You, what were you going to do if I had another schedule or an appointment…”

“Hmm. What’s your next schedule?”

Jihyuk tilted his head and looked down at me.

“What should I do. Should I wait next to you until that schedule is over?”

“……”

“That sounds good too. Let’s go, to your next schedule.”

“…I don’t have one. I’m just going… home…”

“Then let’s go play at your house.”

Jihyuk grinned.

“Make me some ramen, teacher.”

The cafe employee looked back and forth between Jihyuk, who said that with a brilliant smile, and me, who was standing there with a dazed expression. Feeling the curious gaze, I hurriedly grabbed Jihyuk’s arm and pulled him out of the store. Touching his body was a purely unconscious act.

“You, you, how could you say… something like that.”

“What did I say.”

Jihyuk’s mischievous smile deepened.

“You’re thinking something weird with this again, aren’t you. Hmm?”

Jihyuk’s hand lightly caressed my temple. I glared at Jihyuk and grabbed his hand, tossing it down.

“Don’t. I’m not your friend.”

“I get it. I get it.”

It was the most vehement reaction I had ever shown him. However, despite my reaction, Jihyuk wore a consistently amused expression. I glared hard at Jihyuk, who raised both hands like a foreigner in a light gesture of surrender, but since he said he understood, there was nothing more I could say.

Jihyuk’s car had already arrived in front of the cafe and was waiting with its emergency lights on. I let out a short sigh as I followed Jihyuk’s hand, which naturally guided me into the car.

I had already visited my mom during my lunch hour anyway, and my plan for today was to go home early and do laundry and cleaning. However, given this kid’s personality that I’ve seen so far, if I were to refuse Jihyuk’s suggestion and go home today, he would surely follow me all the way to my house. Because he was a kid who was strangely sincere when it came to teasing and pushing me into a corner.

“…Going to my house is a bit much. So, should we eat out instead?”

Jihyuk glanced back at me as I asked in a small voice.

“What do you want to eat?”

“I’m fine with anything… but a place like last time is a bit… overwhelming for me.”

At my words, Jihyuk raised his eyebrows for a moment, then chuckled. Heh heh.

“The hotel?”

“…Yeah.”

It’s a word that makes my earlobes burn whenever I say it. I nodded my head vigorously, sincerely hoping that we would never go back to that place again. Even without that strange connotation, to be honest, the price was burdensome, that was also a fact. Although the meal itself was delicious beyond my means.

“Alright. Then… Hmm. Let’s go to a place where normal kids would go.”

Frankly, it was an arrogant thing to hear. It meant that he wasn’t a ‘normal kid’. But I couldn’t really refute it either. Because in many ways, a kid like Jihyuk was not common.

“Where should we go? Then today, let’s go to a place you choose.”

“…Me?”

“Yes. Chauffeur, please let us out.”

While I was just gaping, dumbfounded, the chauffeur stopped the car. We were still in the middle of the bustling downtown area.

“I don’t even know where this is…”

“Just walk around and let’s go into any place that you’re drawn to.”

“……”

“You can eat what you usually eat often.”

He was as willful as usual, no, even more willful than usual, but I couldn’t stop Jihyuk. It was because Jihyuk’s excited expression, for the first time, looked to me like that of a normal kid.

Since he gave me the power to decide for now, at least it won’t be dangerous. It would be better than being dragged around anywhere at his whim anyway. Thinking that, I felt some of the tension that had built up in my shoulders relax a little.

Jihyuk started walking, sticking close by my side. The scent of Jihyuk I always smelled mixed with the city air and tickled my nose. Occasionally, the side of my head would touch his shoulder and then fall away. My height is about average, but standing next to Jihyuk, I felt hopelessly small.

Walking without a word, we looked around the streets for a while. I could feel people’s gazes naturally following us. I had never received this much attention from an unspecified number of people before, so I unconsciously lowered my head and hunched my shoulders. Jihyuk’s expression, when I glanced up, showed no particular change.

I couldn’t drag this kid around forever. Having been abruptly put in charge of tonight’s dinner menu, I looked around the streets with a needlessly anxious heart. However, all that caught my eye were franchise snack bars and such, where you had to sit so close together that the tops of your heads would touch.

First of all, I didn’t want to go to a cramped place with this kid. It was obvious that if I took a big kid like him to sit at such a narrow table, I wouldn’t even be able to stretch my knees properly. After hesitating, I pointed my finger at the fast-food restaurant in front of us.

“…Do you like hamburgers?”

I knew it was a long shot. Suggesting a hamburger that costs a few thousand won to a kid who grew up like a lavish prince. But there were no other places that stood out, and the weather was too hot to walk around longer looking for one. On top of that, I had to consider my own financial situation. Because for today at least, I didn’t want to be treated by this kid.

I expected to be met with immediate ridicule or a sharp jeer, but Jihyuk surprisingly nodded his head obediently.

“Let’s go in.”

“Huh? Oh.”

As we stepped inside, a cool breeze from the air conditioner poured out. Feeling much more comfortable, I was about to look around to find a seat first when I stopped Jihyuk.

“Let’s order first. It’s my treat.”

In that moment, Jihyuk’s eyes widened as if he had heard something he shouldn’t have. I can say with certainty that it was the most agitated expression I had ever seen on Jihyuk. Soon, the surprise faded from his eyes, and a smile slowly welled up.

“Alright. This is exciting. Teacher’s buying me a meal, too.”

“…Because you’ve been treating me every day…”

“I’m glad I decided to do tutoring. It’s nice having a teacher.”

Anyone hearing this would think I was treating him to a hotel meal or something. For a compliment received while ordering a hamburger set that costs only a few thousand won, it felt exaggerated. With a flushed red face, I quickly tapped the kiosk.

“P-pick what you want to eat from among these.”

“Hmm.”

Jihyuk looked at the screen carefully. Looking at Jihyuk’s side profile, I could easily deduce that this kid had never been to a place like this before. Suddenly, I broke into a cold sweat. What if he complains that I offered to buy him a meal and then brought him to buy this kind of crap?

Should I suggest we go somewhere else right now. Just as I was about to poke Jihyuk’s arm with my finger, Jihyuk pointed at the screen with a serious face.

“I’ll have this one.”

What Jihyuk pointed to was a long-named burger that contained Korean beef. I inwardly thought it was a relief he didn’t pick something super cheap like a bulgogi burger, and I pressed the set that Jihyuk ordered and just changed the quantity to 2. My thought was that it was better to just eat the same thing than to go through the trouble of choosing something different.

“And for the drink?”

“Coke.”

“Fries are okay, right?”

Jihyuk nodded, so I finished the order as it was. The first floor was rather crowded, so we went up to the second floor. The second floor had a much more relaxed atmosphere.

We took a seat by the window, just like at the cafe. To think I’m still doing this with Jihyuk even though the tutoring session is over. It felt strange all over again.

As soon as we sat down, Jihyuk’s phone, which he had placed on the table, lit up. However, Jihyuk naturally ignored the call that had started to vibrate on silent.

I’ve really never seen Jihyuk have a long phone call with his friends. It didn’t seem like he didn’t have friends, though. A few times during tutoring, his friends had called, but each time, Jihyuk would hang up with insincere words like a concise “Tutoring,” or “Do it later, you bastard.”

The pager we had placed on the table started to buzz. Bzzzz.

“Looks like it’s ready. I’ll go get it.”

I hurriedly stood up and went to the first floor to get the hamburgers. I bit my lip as I looked at the hamburger sets, which were much thicker and larger than what I usually ate. I hope it’s delicious. I didn’t think much when I was being treated, but now that I was the one buying, I felt needlessly nervous.

As I carefully unwrapped the hamburger, Jihyuk frowned.

“What is this?”

Is this humble fast food not to his liking after all? I didn’t know what to say, so I kept my mouth shut, and Jihyuk pointed at the hamburger and grumbled.

“It looks completely different from the picture I saw earlier.”

“It’s always like that, in places like this.”

I was so dumbfounded that a chuckle escaped me. Pfft. The sight of Jihyuk getting angry while focusing on something completely different from what I had expected was funny and a little cute.

To be fair, the hamburger in the kiosk picture had fresh lettuce, a thick patty, and all sorts of fresh vegetables sandwiched in good proportion, whereas the hamburger in front of us now was falling apart. For someone coming to a place like this for the first time, it was plausible they would get angry at the discrepancy.

Jihyuk took off the paper wrapper and took a bite of the hamburger. I followed his lead and took a bite of my hamburger, then asked, a little nervous.

“…How is it? The taste.”

The burger held in Jihyuk’s two hands, though actually on the large side, looked incredibly small. It was definitely the same one I was holding… but since even its size looked smaller, the dinner I was treating him to felt needlessly more shabby.

I should have just searched for a well-known restaurant, even if it was a bit of a hassle. Of course, my financial situation is always poor, but still, considering what this kid treated me to last time… Even if it wasn’t something I was treated to because I wanted it.

However, contrary to my expectation that he would pour out complaints, Jihyuk swallowed the hamburger he was chewing and suddenly asked me.

“Is this what you often come to eat?”

When I slowly nodded, Jihyuk smiled broadly.

“Then from now on, come eat with me too.”

“……”

After saying that, Jihyuk slowly finished his hamburger. The Coke too. Though he didn’t touch the skinny, oil-drenched french fries.

Silently chewing on my share of the hamburger in front of him, I tried my best to understand Jihyuk’s words. Why on earth, and with what intention, was this kid saying this to me.

To hang out with me often and show that to Jiwon. That’s probably the right answer.

My hungry stomach was accepting the hamburger without any problem, but for some reason, I kept feeling my chest tighten up. No matter how much Coke I drank, that feeling only grew stronger.

If he’s going to use a person, I wish he would just treat me coldly like he did at the beginning. He shouldn’t keep sending me cars, asking me what I want to eat, and making promises to do things together in the future.

Woo Jihyuk, who relentlessly tries to use others while constantly flashing such a cloying smile, is truly of the worst quality.

📖

The quality of the air was still damp and hot. The weather, perfect for exhausting a person, continued. It seemed it would be like this all summer long.

My summer, which had shaken so violently that the ground seemed to undulate, was, unlike the weather, flowing smoothly on the surface. Since that day, Jihyuk had been suspiciously quiet, and the memory of steeling myself over and over, nervous to the point of breaking into a cold sweat every time I went to tutor Jihyuk, was gradually fading.

But Jihyuk’s attitude was limited only to class time. His excessively rude pranks were still the same. Playfully grabbing my hand or arm, or pulling it hard, was a common occurrence. Jihyuk also had no hesitation in making contact such as stroking my hair as he pleased or touching my face.

I tried getting angry, and I tried coaxing him, but it was no use. After trying to stop Jihyuk like that several times, I eventually gave up, exhausted. It’s not like he was hurting me anyway. I was at a point where I felt, what does it matter, as long as I can take the exam and end this relationship with this kid without any major conflict.

But what Jihyuk wanted from me was not just that kind of contact.

The remaining summer vacation was now about 2 weeks, and as the one remaining tutoring student I had also quit, my schedule became a bit more flexible. I had nothing to do except for Jihyuk and Jiwon’s tutoring, visiting my mom, and studying. It felt like a distant memory, the time during the semester when I was so busy I felt like I was dying, splitting my time into pieces.

And whenever I had free time, I had to spend it with Jihyuk. We ate together about twice a week, and we often had tutoring outside.

The place changed every time. Jihyuk would sometimes drag me to a place so overwhelming that I felt suffocated just by stepping into the entrance, like last time, and sometimes he would eat things like fast food or tteokbokki with me.

Sometimes, I felt a sense of skepticism or rebellion towards these continuous meetings with Jihyuk. However, Jihyuk would always keenly notice the signs, and whenever that happened, he would remind me of the reasons why I had to continue my relationship with him by mentioning my circumstances. Because of that, I had no choice but to be dragged around here and there to meet his demands. No matter what reason Jihyuk had for dragging me around, I needed Jihyuk right now.

And the reason I could accept his stubbornness to some extent was because Jihyuk didn’t drag me to strange places like a hotel, as he did last time. Isn’t it okay to just eat together a few times and have tutoring outside. I continued this ambiguous relationship with Jihyuk, constantly consoling myself in an unconfident tone.

During the time we spent together, Jihyuk was generally rude to me, and occasionally affectionate. It’s an incompatible statement, but it was actually like that. With his mouth, he respectfully called me ‘teacher,’ but his actions towards me showed no sign of respect at all.

And yet, he still asked me what I wanted to eat, bought me several drinks for me who didn’t have a set preference and drank different things each time, and ate the cheap food I bought him without a word of complaint.

‘Teacher.’

His faint smile, sweet as he looked at me, that others would have a hard time noticing, would sometimes make me waver, and what followed each time was a certain emotion that was hard to explain, in addition to the embarrassment.

It was the same that day. After finishing the evening tutoring session at a cafe, we ate dinner together. Just before parting, at Jihyuk’s suggestion of taking a little walk, we walked together in a park that was near the restaurant.

It was a pleasant summer evening. Even though it was night, cicadas were crying ceaselessly from somewhere. In the large park, the ground that had been hot during the day was cooling down, emitting a moderately pleasant greenery. Walking on the track made for a walking path, I glanced up at Jihyuk next to me. Jihyuk, wearing light training clothes, seemed to be in a relatively good mood, as he had been for the past few days.

‘Did something good happen to him lately.’

I was making such a silly guess when Jihyuk, who was walking beside me, suddenly asked.

“What did you talk about with my father back then?”

“…Huh?”

I had to think back for a long time to understand the sudden question asked without any context. I barely managed to recall the time we all had a meal at Jihyuk’s house.

“Oh… You’re talking about when we had a meal last time, right? Just. He said he really wishes you would go to college…”

Jihyuk nodded his head without a word. It was an attitude as if he had expected such content. But that was it, and seeing Jihyuk’s face, which revealed no more of his inner thoughts, I became needlessly anxious.

What is Jihyuk thinking. At the dinner table back then, he had definitely told his father he would take the exam. Is he really planning to take the exam? He was such a variable and hard-to-understand kid that it wouldn’t be strange if he dropped a bombshell at any time. That’s why I couldn’t help but feel anxious.

Since the topic came up anyway, isn’t it okay to ask Jihyuk about his college plans around now? What university he wants, what major he hopes for. We’ve spent this much time together, so I, as a teacher, should have that much right. It was the moment I mustered the courage to ask Jihyuk.

“What about you, teacher.”

Jihyuk spoke first.

“Do you want me to take the exam?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

Even as I answered, I thought, did I answer too quickly. Jihyuk would probably have naturally anticipated things like the reward his father had meaningfully offered me back then. Of course, I haven’t contacted the number on that business card yet, and I hope I won’t have to in the future if possible. Anyway, I was starting to feel a little awkward, thinking I might have looked too materialistic, when Jihyuk asked again.

“Then, what if I go to the same school as you.”

“…Our school?”

I asked back blankly. Honestly, I was a little surprised. Of course, I had thought about our school several times regarding Jihyuk’s grades, but that was just my own thought. We had never talked about the school or major Jihyuk was aiming for yet.

“You can get in. Your skills are more than enough. But you still can’t let your guard down, if you just pull them up a little bit more…”

“Not about my skills.”

Jihyuk, who cut me off indifferently, asked again.

“I’m asking what you would think. If I attended the same school as you.”

“Uh…”

I was at a loss for words for a moment. But the hesitation was not long.

“Of course, it would be great. To have a student I taught become my junior… Is there any teacher who would hate that.”

Jihyuk’s face, illuminated by the soft streetlights scattered throughout the track, was smiling a little. It seemed my answer was quite satisfactory.

“Then if I become your junior, you’ll still eat with me and hang out with me then, right?”

“…Huh?”

“I don’t know anyone there. So you have to hang out with me.”

At his question, tinged with a subtle playfulness, I was at a loss for words for a moment. Would Jihyuk really have a reason to care about something like that. I had never been in a group setting with Jihyuk, but even without experiencing it, I knew well that he wouldn’t need to worry about such things. Because people like Jihyuk would have people gather around them even if they just stood still.

Also, even if Jihyuk were to come to our school, honestly, I thought I wouldn’t have a reason to meet him more after the CSAT was over. Maybe if it were Jiwon, who plans to apply for the physics department, but the chances of frequently running into Jihyuk on that vast campus would be almost nonexistent.

But is there any reason to say that to a kid who seems excited right now. Shouldn’t boosting his morale be the priority for now. Having reached a conclusion from a purely teacher’s standpoint, I nodded my head.

“Yeah. Sure.”

Hearing my answer, the corners of Jihyuk’s mouth lengthened a little.

“Is that a promise?”

“…Let’s think about it after you get in first.”

Despite the rather stern reply, Jihyuk’s eyes curved more as he smiled. As if he were truly happy.

His hand naturally comes up and strokes my hair. As soon as his hand, hotter than the summer heat, touched my body, I stopped in my tracks, startled.

“Stop. You, again, I told you not to touch me carelessly!”

“Your voice is really loud right now. You must want to show other people that you’re doing gay things with me.”

No matter how I raise my voice, Jihyuk’s face, mocking me with a silly grin, doesn’t change. Of course. In the end, I gave up and chose to quickly move my feet and get off the track. It was a relief that the park was so big and the section we were walking in was deserted.

“That’s enough. …I’m going home now.”

“Let’s go together. I’ll walk you home.”

“No ne…”

“Say ‘no need’ one more time.”

Jihyuk’s large hand comes over, cups my cheek, and shakes it gently. The touch, shaking me rather playfully, is even rough. My lips protruded like a goldfish between his grip, my cheeks hopelessly squashed.

“You… let g-go of…”

No matter how little dignity I have as a teacher, this is really not an attitude to treat a teacher with. I grabbed his wrist and glared up at him. But all that came out was a slurred, pressed response that sounded ridiculous even to me.

Jihyuk started laughing. Kekeke. Really, he’s like a gangster. I was about to say something, my anger flaring up, when his hand slides down. This time, it gently touches the nape of my neck. He kneads it gently a couple of times as if giving a massage, then snatches his hand away.

“Let’s go now.”

“……”

“I won’t bother you anymore. So don’t be angry.”

At his sweet tone, like he was soothing a child, I was momentarily speechless. I looked at Jihyuk’s back as he walked one step ahead of me and rubbed my face, where Jihyuk’s hand had touched so intensely, with the back of my hand. Rub, rub.

It’s just a child’s prank. Let’s not be swayed, let’s not read too much into it…

I tried hard to think that way, but my cheeks, which had started to flush, only grew redder for no reason. I stealthily raised my hand to cover my face, thinking it was a relief that it was night.

📖

A single phone call, received at the end of a summer that had been confusing in many ways, shattered the long, long-standing pain into pieces.

‘Guardian of patient Lee Seonyoung, your mother has finally woken up completely!’

My mom finally opened her eyes. She did so, silently shouldering the weight of the layered years that had so oppressed her existence, the whispers of whether it wouldn’t be better for her to just go now, the eons of her family’s expectations, waiting, and despair, and yet, all the hope they had dared to hold.

As soon as I received the call, I ran to the hospital. Getting off at the bus stop in front of the hospital, I stumbled several times as I sprinted to the hospital room. When I entered the room, panting for breath that had risen to my chin, I saw the medical staff surrounding my mother’s bed.

The doctor explained to me in an excited tone that my mother’s speech organs and senses had not yet recovered, but that she would slowly recover soon. Listening to the doctor’s passionate explanation, I just stared endlessly at my mother’s face lying next to him. From the eyes of my mother, like an empty shell staring at me, water was constantly flowing in streams. Clearly, my mom was looking at me and crying.

Exactly 9 years later, my mom woke up.

For the first time in years, I cried out loud in the hospital room. It was the first time since I had grown this big. The 9 years of time had not left me enough hope to cry out loud, and so I was a person more accustomed to crying silently. A great wail was a sound that could only come out when a swollen hope was shattered into pieces.

My mom recovered rapidly after that. Because she had been lying down for so long, her muscle loss was at a severe level, so she couldn’t move on her own yet. All she could do was lie down and roll her eyes.