NANOM Ch 32

“Look at this, Jeonghyun. Don’t you think your mother’s walking speed is a bit faster than yesterday?”

In the video, my mother was walking, just a little, but truly faster than yesterday. To others, her speed might still seem like a snail’s pace, but to the eyes of the caregiver and me, who watched and rewatched the video every day, the difference from yesterday was bound to be visible.

The caregiver raised her voice, sounding even happier than I was.

“And they said she started eating rice gruel by mouth today. Isn’t that great? They haven’t been able to remove the nasal feeding tube yet, but still, that’s something.”

“Yes.”

We looked at each other and smiled. As I looked at the wrinkles around the caregiver’s eyes as she smiled joyfully, my mother’s face naturally overlapped with hers.

The caregiver, who had started watching over this hospital room since ‘that day’, had a very kind and cheerful personality. On the day we first met, she looked at my disheveled state, held my hand, and her eyes welled up with tears. She said she had a son about my age and that from now on, she would do everything in her power to help me and my family recover. From that day until now, she had been taking care of me with all her heart.

“Now, it’s our young lady’s turn.”

The caregiver affectionately called Jeonghee by that title, doting on him. With a pleased expression, as if he were her own son, she opened her messenger and showed me the screen without hiding it. It was also after that day that I began to receive detailed reports on Jeonghee’s condition from the center director every single day.

“Well, our young lady only has two weeks left before he’s discharged from the center. They say he’s doing everything just perfectly.”

“Yes. Th-that’s a relief.”

“And… ahem.”

Suddenly, the caregiver cleared her throat awkwardly and glanced at me.

“…Th-they say this is the house where Jeonghee will be living from now on.”

The house where he’ll be living? I couldn’t understand it at first. Did she take a picture of the house we used to live in? With my eyes wide, I looked at the screen. Behind the short message about Jeonghee’s condition, I could see a few photos. It was the scenery of a house I had never seen before in my life.

The house, neatly organized and filled with household goods, was clearly a new home to anyone’s eyes. The interior was decorated well enough to be featured in a magazine, and its size looked to be at least thirty pyeong.

As I looked back and forth between the photos and the caregiver’s face with a clueless expression, I couldn’t help but realize it before long. There was, without a doubt, only one person who would arrange a house for Jeonghee to live in.

I looked directly at the caregiver’s face, my expression stiff.

“M-ma’am.”

“…Y-yes.”

“Th-this, this isn’t our house.”

“…….”

“C-could you please c-contact… Jihyuk? Th-this is… I can’t do this. I-I can’t accept something like this.”

The caregiver, who had been cautiously showing me the pictures of the house, completely shut her mouth when I spoke so firmly. Through a few previous experiences, she must have naturally expected that I would react this way.

The caregiver was kind and considerate to me, but there was one thing about which she had no choice but to be an exception. Whenever the topic of Jihyuk, her employer, came up, the caregiver would avoid my eyes and keep her mouth shut.

“…I’m sorry, Jeonghyun. You know… my situation.”

“…….”

“I just… can’t do anything more than pass on news like this right now.”

Looking at the caregiver trailing off, I let out a short sigh. In truth, it wasn’t something that could be solved by pressuring her. Even though I knew that, I kept saying similar things to the caregiver, the only connection I had to Jihyuk.

A house was out of the question. If I didn’t move in, he would probably take care of it on his own. I didn’t know the exact amount, but the hospital bills I was currently indebted for were probably an astronomical sum from my perspective. Since I considered it all something I would have to pay back someday anyway, I didn’t want to increase the debt any further.

With a sigh, I turned my head to look out the window. It was the beginning of summer. The temperature of spring, which had been lukewarm, was now gradually absorbing heat and ripening. I silently watched that process, which progressed slowly like ripening fruit, from beyond the hospital room’s glass window.

A month had passed since Jihyuk disappeared.

One night, I had an unstable dream and felt an extreme sense of suffocation. That night was a touch-and-go situation where I had stolen a handful of syringes from a nurse’s mobile cart without even being aware of what I was doing. When I came to my senses, I was trembling inside a bathroom, and Jihyuk, who had come looking for me, was kneeling on one knee, examining my face.

But on that day, Jihyuk was a bit strange. He, who had been frighteningly angry, soon clenched his teeth and suppressed his anger. Moreover, he said something I had never heard from him before. That he was sorry. That he didn’t mean to scare me. Not stopping there, Jihyuk asked if it would be better if he disappeared, if I would feel more at ease then. Those were words the Jihyuk I knew would never say.

And when morning came, Jihyuk had really vanished.

At first, even looking at the empty hospital room, I didn’t think Jihyuk could have disappeared. So I thought I was still dreaming. Because he had never once left my side.

Thinking that, I waited for him blankly. It felt as if he would appear at any moment, flashing that uniquely sly and sweet eye-smile of his, and say things he always used to say, like “What are you thinking about,” or “Wake up for a bit, eat, and then sleep.”

It didn’t feel real until the daytime caregiver, who is with me now, appeared, introduced herself, and said that she would be looking after me during the day from now on, asking me to please be well. That’s how unreal Jihyuk’s absence felt to me.

However, as a separate caregiver was assigned to watch over me not only during the day but also at night, and as if that wasn’t enough, seeing the bodyguards stationed outside the hospital room, I couldn’t help but gradually come to terms with the fact that Jihyuk had left me.

He had really disappeared from before my eyes. Jihyuk had.

But what was even more incomprehensible was Jihyuk’s behavior, which showed no intention of stopping his deep involvement and interference in my life.

Jihyuk was still paying for my, my mother’s, and Jeonghee’s medical treatments. He returned my cell phone to me through the caregiver, and through the photos and videos sent, I was able to receive daily updates not only on my mother’s condition but also on Jeonghee’s treatment progress. Unlike before, when he had just looked around and monitored things casually, there were clear signs that he had taken care to ensure I could easily find out about my family’s current situation every day.

Psychiatric treatment and counseling also began in earnest. Once the treatment for the trauma of cutting my chest was somewhat finished, psychiatry was designated as my main department. My will was not involved in any of these procedures. Even so, as I underwent repeated drug therapy and counseling, the number of times I self-harmed without awareness was gradually decreasing. Although severe anxiety and depression remained.

Throughout that whole process, I couldn’t help but have questions. Why did Jihyuk disappear? And why doesn’t he stop his support for me? Wasn’t what Jihyuk wanted to play with me as he pleased until he got tired of it? That should have been the deal and promise we made, so why, even after all that amusement was over, did he not stop his financial support for me?

However, to me, who was unstable and endlessly anxious, the empty space he left behind was more significant than the meaning of the things Jihyuk was bestowing upon me without reason.

After Jihyuk, who had dug into and shattered my life, intruding so intensely, suddenly disappeared, I was, quite literally, at a loss. My body and mind, which had only mechanically accepted what Jihyuk gave, had no idea how to comprehend his absence.

He was a being who tormented me so much, who bound me so tightly I couldn’t even breathe. And yet, I couldn’t understand myself for not feeling relieved looking at the space Jihyuk had emptied and left behind. It wasn’t simply a matter of calculating the pros and cons of the deal with Jihyuk. I was too tired, sick, and numb to calculate such things.

The empty space he left behind grew larger like a black hole every day, swallowing me. The nightmares I thought I was having because of Jihyuk’s presence actually began to visit and torment me with greater frequency right after he disappeared. Occasionally, when I came to my senses, the nighttime caregiver and the bodyguard would be holding onto me with flustered faces. At those times, I would always wake up from an anxious dream, drenched in sweat and gasping for air.

The empty space Jihyuk left behind was, for me, nothing but confusion. I was in a state where my ego was so broken that I couldn’t even hate Jihyuk.

Just recalling the coercive time I spent with Jihyuk made it hard to breathe, as if my chest were filling with water, but ironically, the only being who could quell that deathly anxiety was also Jihyuk.

All my nightmares stemmed from Jihyuk. Nevertheless, only he could soothe my nightmares. On nights when I struggled and suffered, crushed by a black shadow, Jihyuk would hold me as we slept and firmly hold my struggling body. Then he would pat my back like a baby.

I couldn’t help but keep remembering the hot body temperature that calmed and soothed my anxiety. For the entire month he was gone, I spent it longing for that solid body that had pushed me into such sweet pleasure that I couldn’t think of anything.

The weight of his heavy body that pressed down on my throbbing anxiety. The deep scent of his body that, just by smelling it, would shake my heart as if it would explode, but would eventually make my tempo match his heartbeat. His voice, which was tinged with playfulness but felt warm when he laughed. He was a contradictory existence that made me tremble in fear and yet brought me a sense of stability, Jihyuk was.

What’s fortunate, like a miracle, is the fact that time flows no matter what. And the flowing time knocked on my twisted and withered daily life like dripping water, moistening it little by little.

While I waited for the Jihyuk who did not return, sitting blankly on the bed with the thin shoulders of my hospital gown and greeting the dawn, while I woke up from the still-repeating nightmares drenched in a cold sweat, the clock hands on the hospital room wall turned faithfully. Along with the time that flowed endlessly slowly, my condition also began to show slight improvement.

My gaze, which had been dazed as if wandering through a fog even when I was solving the basic problems on the test sheet I received before a counseling session, gradually began to regain its sharpness. The various counseling sessions and medications, appropriately given at the right times, slowly revived the ego that had been rotting black from suffering from extreme depression and self-loathing.

The treatment was not smooth from the beginning. During the first counseling session, my mouth was frozen shut, and I couldn’t say a single word. But luckily, my doctor was a warm and patient person. He didn’t press me about what had happened or seem troubled by my tightly sealed lips.

To me, who stood there frozen solid, the doctor approached one step at a time. Very slowly, so as not to startle me. In front of such a doctor, I gradually opened my heart. Although I couldn’t tell the doctor even half of half of what I had been through, just sitting in front of a professional who was willing to support me felt comforting.

In the time that passed day by day, my blurred thinking gradually became clearer. Little by little, very little by little, like a water droplet tapping on a puddle collected on a rock.

But still, I would sometimes wake up at the crack of dawn, sit up, and stare blankly out the window, thinking of one person.

Of Jihyuk, who had played with me as he pleased, twisted and broke me, then left me here and disappeared all by himself. Of him, who was cold and then endlessly hot, who drove me into a corner with a chilling sharpness and cruelty, and then gently wrapped around me and melted me.

📖

Around the time the dawn moon melts away into the morning sunlight, the day in the hospital ward begins with a noisy clamor. The caregiver who watched over me during the night and the daytime caregiver switch shifts, and the bodyguards also trade their arrivals and departures.

After eating breakfast, I get an injection and have my IV drip changed. I participate in various programs according to a set schedule. I form a group with other patients for laughter therapy or art therapy, or do simple physical activities that can be done indoors. On days I have counseling, I go to counseling, and in my spare time, I get some fresh air in places like the hospital’s garden.

Time passed slowly but faithfully like that, day by day.

Right after Jihyuk left, I spent my days curled up as much as possible. I couldn’t think of anything other than protecting myself from the anxiety that shook my mind and body. I had nightmares every night, and the days were not much different. I was no different from a corpse with only breath left in it.

However, as I mechanically repeated the given schedule, I realized one thing. It was not something grand, but the monotonously repeating routine that slowly breathed a soul into my body, which had been a rotten and festering mess. It was a time that I thought would never flow, even if I died.

The repeating schedule was solely for my recovery. Eating, receiving medication, participating in programs or counseling, and trying to sleep at night.

Here, I no longer had to offer my body or soul to anyone. Everyone here persistently and kindly persuaded me to focus only on saving myself. And they waited for me. It was a time filled with warmth, like a gently heated sea. Thanks to that process, the acrid dust that had been dancing a frantic waltz in the midst of my confusion was very slowly settling to the floor.

Even so, my inability to sleep at night remained the same. Although I was prescribed and taking sleeping pills, I quite often found myself, despite the medication’s effect, sitting blankly and staring at the moon, staying up all night.

On such days, I don’t know why the night feels so long. I would just stare out the window until the twinkling stars gradually vanished and the day began to break dimly. Just like I used to at Jihyuk’s house.

The nighttime caregiver, already accustomed to seeing me like this, no longer urged me to lie down and try to sleep. She would quietly sit next to me, wearing earphones and listening to music or watching a video. That was more comfortable for me, too.

Today was the same. Tired of lying down and trying to sleep, I slowly got up from my spot. I sat on the sofa by the window and cast my gaze beyond it. As I looked at the moon, which was quietly keeping its place, I suddenly recalled the dream I had on the day Jihyuk disappeared.

Even though a month had passed, the dream I had that day was still vivid. As if I had dreamt it yesterday.

In the pitch-black dream, I was just lying there, holding my breath. Like a seed waiting to sprout in the hard, cold, frozen ground of winter.

But, there was a body temperature that quietly approached and caressed me. A voice that whispered something softly, too. It was saying something, but I couldn’t quite make it out. As I stayed quietly curled up, holding my breath, I thought I could hear the voice just a little.

It was definitely Jihyuk’s voice. Low and raspy, and always tinged with playfulness. But that day, it was surprisingly calm. However, what surprised me was not that Jihyuk’s voice was heavier than usual.

‘I liked you.’

Even in the complete darkness all around, my eyes flew open in surprise at those words.

‘…and I love you.’

The low voice had clearly said that.

But as I blinked, I finally realized it was a dream. Because Jihyuk had never once said such words to me.

That he liked me, or that he loved me. I just can’t imagine Woo Jihyuk saying such things. Because it’s impossible. There is no way Jihyuk could have genuinely loved me.

If he had really liked me, he wouldn’t have treated me like this. That sort of thing cannot be love. The act of playing with me like a toy, dragging me down to the bottom and trampling on me, and spitting on my open wounds cannot be given the name of love.

It was a really strange dream. But why.

But why is that dream lodged in my chest like a shard of glass, showing no sign of ever coming out?

My mind instantly became complicated. It’s always like this whenever I think of that day. I shook my head vigorously, consciously shaking off the idle thoughts, and dropped my head deep between my knees. When I closed my eyes, I could still see myself naked, wearing a dog collar, and crawling on the floor of the house. The afterimage, which made my body tremble just by thinking about it, mixed with the words Jihyuk had left me and made my eardrums, vision, and mind roar and shake.

I had no choice but to open my eyes again. Slowly taking a deep breath, there was nothing I could do but fix my gaze on the moon, which was shining faintly behind the clouds. I looked at the moon, heavily haloed, and suppressed my slightly quickened breath. I passed another night that had become deathly quiet again, just like that.

📖

“Welcome back. Did your counseling session go well today?”

“Yes.”

“Are you not feeling hungry? Should I peel some fruit for you?”

“I-I’m okay. Thank you.”

As soon as I entered the hospital room after finishing my counseling, the caregiver greeted me with a bright smile. I managed a faint smile in return and offered a greeting, when the caregiver abruptly held out her cell phone.

“You got a call from your brother. It’s his discharge day today. I couldn’t answer it, so I just left it as a missed call…”

“…….”

I couldn’t use my phone during counseling anyway, so I had left it in the room. It seemed a call had come in the meantime. I silently looked down at the phone, which showed a couple of missed calls.

Today was the day Jeonghee was being discharged after finishing his treatment.

Jeonghee had called me a few times while he was staying at the center, but we had never once connected on a call. In the beginning, I wasn’t in a state to answer calls either, and even after I got much better, I had brushed him off, saying I was busy and could only message for now. It was because I didn’t want Jeonghee to hear me stuttering badly.

“Still… since it’s his discharge day today, wouldn’t it be good to give him a call.”

The caregiver gently suggested from the side.

After a moment’s hesitation, I slowly nodded my head. I couldn’t avoid it any longer, anyway. Jeonghee was completely alone on the outside. He was probably wondering and feeling frustrated about this situation where he couldn’t meet me.

After staring at Jeonghee’s name for a long time, I finally pressed his contact and made the call. Beep, beep. As the ringing tone sounded, my breath grew tighter and tighter. The pounding of my heart was further fueling my anxiety.

It was a feeling of pressure I hadn’t felt in a long time. My brow furrowed on its own. I clutched my chest with my hand, trying to calm the anxiety. The moment the surprised caregiver placed a hand on my shoulder, I heard Jeonghee’s voice.

—Oppa?!

“…Je-Je-Jeonghee.”

Be calm. So I can seem even a little bit okay. No matter how much I tried to think resolutely, it didn’t go as my heart wanted. Even though I was just calling out his name, my words stumbled even more than usual.

—Oppa… I… I’ve been discharged.

Just by hearing Jeonghee’s choked-up voice, I could tell. That he had worked up the courage to call me with a complex mix of happiness, gratitude, and sorrow. My own throat, which kept threatening to tighten up, I cleared with a humph, and then I delivered the words I absolutely wanted to say with my voice.

“Co-co-congratulations on your discharge. You w-went through a lot.”

Jeonghee didn’t answer. The short silence that flowed over the phone soon began to tremble slightly.

—…Oppa.

“Y-yeah.”

—Where are you now? I know this is shameless… but I want to see you, oppa.

“…….”

—…Can’t you… meet me?

A tearful voice. Barely suppressing his emotions, Jeonghee was holding back his tears. As soon as I heard that voice, a heavy lump blocked my throat. But I, who had lowered my gaze for a moment, bit down on my dry lips.

The gaunt knees in the hospital gown. The IV drip connected to a mixture of numerous drugs. The people who were striving day and night to protect one able-bodied young man. And me, who still couldn’t properly make eye contact with others and would lower my head, who had been broken into worthless pieces.

Facing Jeonghee directly was still too overwhelming a task for me. I didn’t want to show him this side of me. No, I couldn’t show him.

Because I was human too, there were days when I hated and resented Jeonghee for losing his mind and walking into ruin. Though it was only a delusion, there were even moments when I thought about calling Jeonghee over and making him see this state with his own two eyes.

But now I know that such feelings are futile. Although he committed a terrible act, in the end, Jeonghee was also just a kid who knew nothing. Moreover, he was a kid who had just finished his treatment. I was probably the only pillar of support he had in this world, and I didn’t want to give Jeonghee an unnecessary shock by showing him this side of me.

After taking a shallow, trembling breath, I spoke calmly.

“S-sorry, but I-I-I can’t meet you.”

—…Why? Are you still really… busy? Or….

“Th-that’s not it. It’s n-not because I hate you.”

Then why, Jeonghee’s questioning words stopped.

—But oppa, …why are you talking like that….

“…It’s because I’m s-s-sick right now.”

‘What?’ 

Jeonghee’s voice, asking that, grew loud. His surprised state was transmitted perfectly even through the phone.

—Wh-where does it hurt? Where are you sick? Should I go over there now, oppa? Can’t I come?

“N-n-no. …I just don’t want to sh-show you my sick side. I-I’ll get better soon, so let’s meet when I’m better.”

—…Oppa.

“So, j-just promise me one thing.”

Thud. I dropped my gaze, which had been heavy all this time. My grip on the phone tightened. The fist I had clenched without realizing it was trembling.

“…D-d-don’t ever do that kind of thing again.”

A hot drop of water fell onto the blanket. It was because of the tears welling up blurrily in my eyes that my gaze had been so heavy. From within my horribly broken heart, I painstakingly pulled out the earnestly boiling sincerity and delivered it preciously.

“Treating… y-yourself… c-carelessly… and throwing yourself away in th-th-the world… that, …th-that kind of thing… d-don’t do it anymore.”

How I tried to protect you. What you mean to me.

But the words I could never say were simply swallowed back down my throat. Yes, Jeonghee had to never know. This was all I could say to Jeonghee. I squeezed my hot eyelids shut, suppressed my sobs, and waited for Jeonghee’s answer.

—…Oppa….

“…….”

—I’m sorry….

A burst of tears surged like a wave through the receiver. The sound of him crying his eyes out like a child continued. Mixed in with the sound of his fervent crying, I could sporadically hear words like “I’m sorry,” “I was wrong,” and “I’ll never do it again.” Jeonghee cried like that for a long time, atoning to me.

The long call ended with goodbyes, after hearing him tell me to take care and get discharged soon, that he would come for a hospital visit immediately if I just called him even before then, and after hearing him promise that he would now get a part-time job and prepare to return to school.

When I hung up the phone, something enormous drained out of me like an ebbing tide. The heavy burden that had filled me up was swept away by the waves, slowly receding into the distance. The black mass that had been pressing down on me, trying to kill me, danced upon the shimmering, sunlit waves and drifted away. It grew smaller and smaller.

Now, my heart was completely empty. Tears filled that space. The sobs I hadn’t let him hear while I listened to Jeonghee’s crying throughout the call finally burst out. I cried, making gulping sounds like a little kid. It was relieving yet hollow, joyful yet sad, and despite the welling sense of elation, I felt desolate.

The sun blazing outside the window was dazzling, but my empty chest continued to feel cold. The wail-like crying showed no sign of stopping for a long time. The caregiver, who had been holding her breath beside me, eventually cried too.

📖

In the acrid smoke, I put down the cell phone I had been looking at until now. On the screen, the call log with the employee I had assigned to Kim Jeonghyun just a moment ago was displayed.

One during the day, one at night. I had assigned bodyguards so that he could never again run out of the hospital room and harm himself. I had also carefully selected an experienced caregiver. I had assigned people to ensure that he could receive daily reports on his brother’s and mother’s conditions, and I had made it so that Kim Jeonghyun could hear that news. And one more person to manage all these tasks without a hitch.

Just how many people had I assigned to one person, Kim Jeonghyun? I felt like I wasn’t in my right mind either, but I had no choice. The Kim Jeonghyun I saw right before I left him looked as precarious as someone standing on one foot on a tightrope. I couldn’t just leave that gaping void as it was.

Bitterly, my prediction that the only thing I could give him would be my absence turned out to be correct. Kim Jeonghyun, who had desperately craved affection from me while simultaneously trying to hide from my existence by backing towards a cliff, stopped his retreat the day I distanced myself.

I wanted to see him so badly I could die, and this situation of not being able to see his face even once was so fucking terrible it’s hard to put into words, but that was only applicable to my case.

Kim Jeonghyun began to come back to life, very slowly. Only after I got the hell out of his life.

A clear example of that was the phone call that came in today. Unlike when he was first admitted to the hospital in a nearly unconscious state, today Kim Jeonghyun had gone to the admissions office and strongly insisted on being discharged, they said. Saying that outpatient treatment was now sufficient.

A few days ago, when his brother was discharged, Kim Jeonghyun had stubbornly sent him back to that old house, not the one I had gotten for him. Saying he didn’t want to receive any more financial support from me. Saying it was all something he had to pay back later, and that what he had received so far was more than enough.

Until now, I had taken measures so that if Kim Jeonghyun demanded to be discharged in an unstable state, it could be refused under the hospital director’s authority. This was possible because Kim Jeonghyun was classified as a psychiatric patient.

However, today the attending physician cautiously conveyed his opinion. That he seemed to have escaped the emergency state. That treatment must, of course, continue, but that it was a situation where outpatient treatment was sufficiently possible.

If Kim Jeonghyun wanted to be discharged, I had no intention of forcibly confining him in the hospital. However, I planned to keep a watchman on him since I didn’t know when he might try to harm himself again.

Once again, haah… with a sigh, a blurry film covered my vision.

It was something to be happy about, that Kim Jeonghyun, who had become so foolish he couldn’t even solve simple problems and fumbled around, was regaining his sharpness. That was why I had vacated my spot for him.

And yet. Even though I knew that well.

Kim Jeonghyun, who ate the food I gave him and could only wear the clothes I provided. Kim Jeonghyun, who couldn’t do anything—washing, sleeping, laughing, crying—without my touch.

The fact that such a Kim Jeonghyun was now trying to stand on his own.

I slowly tilted my head back and leaned against the sofa. I could see the smoke slowly rising towards the ceiling. I had been smoking for hours without even opening a window, so the inside of the living room was hazy as if there had been a fire. In the ashtray, cigarette butts were stuck in, packed tightly with no empty space.

Come to think of it, it was just like this the last time Kim Jeonghyun came into this house of his own accord. Kim Jeonghyun, who had thrown things at my face and run out, had returned in just one day and crawled between my legs. And begged. That he was wrong. That he would do anything.

How much ecstasy I felt looking at that tear-stained face trying its best to act aloof. How much I wanted to kill him, and yet at the same time, how pretty he was when he struggled to open those small lips to try and suck my cock, even though he couldn’t even properly take one finger.

And the way he would eat his meal at the dining table, anxiously watching my every move. If I told him to sit on my lap and eat, he would run over like a little puppy, struggle to insert my cock into himself, and sit there, eating his meal in that uncomfortable position. Trying somehow not to get on my bad side, trying to survive by any means necessary.

The face of Kim Jeonghyun, who would be sitting blankly at the entrance waiting for me when I opened the door, was still vivid in my mind’s eye. That cute image of him, dazed and exhausted by the loneliness I had intentionally thrown at him, but whose eyes would sparkle and who would crawl under my legs the moment he saw my face.

But now, it’s empty.

There is no Kim Jeonghyun to greet me when I come home anymore. Not at the dining table, not in the bed, not in the bathtub, not in Kim Jeonghyun’s room. Nowhere.

Pfft, with a sound like air escaping, my chest heaved listlessly.

I had lived my life doing whatever the hell I wanted until now. For me, everything was within the scope of what I could handle with my own hands. It was just, everything was easy. Because whatever it was, it was already mine even before I felt the emotion of wanting it.

However, since meeting Kim Jeonghyun, I would be seized by an indescribable emotion. It felt like I had to helplessly watch something that was clearly in my hand slip through my grasp. The colorful, fine sand I wanted to keep and look at forever leaks out and scatters in the wind. Like a cherished hourglass had broken.

Kim Jeonghyun’s docilely obedient appearance was for the most part unbearably lovely, but there were also times when seeing him like that made my irritation soar. The reason he acted like that was, of course, his family. Family, family, fucking family. No matter how much I dug into Kim Jeonghyun’s heart, which was filled only with family, there seemed to be no share of his heart allotted to me.

I wanted to see him desire me, wholly me, even if it was just a sliver, so from a certain point on, I treated him only with affection. I didn’t hit him and only doted on him.

And yet, Kim Jeonghyun grew sicker and sicker. As if he would rather just break down than try to squeeze me into his heart already full of family. Then, in the end, he tried to kill himself. Without even realizing it himself.

It was fucked up, but I had no choice but to admit it. That my way of loving did not suit Kim Jeongyhyun.

The more I tried to fill him, the emptier Kim Jeonghyun became. He shattered when I violently forced him open, and he melted when I gently touched him to make up for it. The more my longing for Kim Jeonghyun grew, the greater the fire that burned him also grew. It felt like if I took just one more step closer, he would turn into black ash and scatter without a trace.

I was a harm to him. An invasion, and an annihilation.

But even if we went back again, our outcome would be the same. Because I’m just that kind of bastard, and I would fall for Kim Jeonghyun again, and like an idiot, I would try to give him everything I have. And Kim Jeonghyun, too, even if he went back to the past, would throw his body at me without hesitation.

“Fuck…”

With a listless voice, I turned my head and spat the last filter I had inhaled into the ashtray beside me. I slowly got up and went to the bathroom.

I turned on the water, meticulously rinsed off the foam with water, and then dried my body. My shower time had more than doubled compared to before. It was to wash away the smoke from the cigarettes I had been smoking like a madman until now. Since that day, I always showered first before entering Kim Jeonghyun’s room.

When I open the door, a familiar scent quietly reveals its presence. The collar he had worn so stubbornly, almost ridiculously, even though it had no lock, was lying alone on the bed, and next to it, I could see the disheveled blankets. The traces of Kim Jeonghyun’s hasty departure for Daejeon were preserved just as they were.

Thud, I sat down on the bed with a sound. If I had my way, I would want to stay in this room all day long. But since my body scent was particularly strong, I knew that if I stayed here, my scent would cover up Kim Jeonghyun’s scent. So I couldn’t even come in often. Only when I felt like I might die from this did I come once in a while to search for traces of Kim Jeonghyun.

I pulled up the edge of the blanket, held it to my nose, and slowly took the scent of Kim Jeonghyun, which was very deeply ingrained, into my lungs. The simple yet strong scent that held its presence was just like its owner.

Kim Jeonghyun fills my body, my mind, and then fills my vision.

I could see the eyes that had lain here with a naked body, staring at me quietly with dead eyes. I reached out a finger and gently stroked the empty bed. As if trying to find a warmth that couldn’t possibly be there.

There was no way a single wisp of scent, smelled once in a while, could quench my thirst. I also frequented Kim Jeonghyun’s house. It wasn’t a difficult task to open the old, rusty gate of a house that had been empty for months, and I wasn’t moral enough to feel guilt over such things. I would sit in the cold, small room, which had almost no household goods, and trace Kim Jeonghyun’s remnants. With my eyes, my skin, my whole body.

Then, sometimes, when I came to my senses, I would be in front of the hospital again. I couldn’t even enter the main gate and just watched from afar. The floor of the hospital room where Kim Jeonghyun was staying. The floor where the sky garden was, which he liked when I occasionally went out with him. In the hopes that I might be able to see even his silhouette.

I also rode my bike on the road I had once ridden with Kim Jeonghyun. Go faster. He had definitely wrapped his arms around my waist and asked me like that. The sense of exhilaration, which felt like it would make my whole body explode, the feeling that I wanted to ride to the end of the world with him, was still clearly engraved in every single one of my cells.

I came back to the same road over and over again and rode it again. Every time I felt the wind hitting me like a knife, I remembered Kim Jeonghyun’s clothes fluttering behind me, his arms wrapping around my waist, his small hands that had held onto my clothes tightly.

I think I once said something like that to Kim Jeonghyun. That you’re in big trouble.

It was around the time I first realized that I was disgustingly feeling horny for a man. The warning contained in my playful voice was, to some extent, sincere.

But the one who was truly fucked was me. Now, being horny wasn’t the issue. Every action and trajectory had become an act of painting Kim Jeonghyun. I had now become a completely crazy bastard who couldn’t even stay in this room for long for fear that Kim Jeonghyun’s scent would fade away, and would get up.

It was a scent I wouldn’t be able to smell for a while. Thinking that, I felt a burning inside me. I buried my nose in the edge of the blanket and inhaled the scent again, and exhaled again.

How long had I been doing that? There was no more time to delay. I slowly got up and left the room. Before I got on the plane to America, there was something I needed to take care of at the university. A place I hadn’t been to once since Kim Jeonghyun was hospitalized.

I wanted to try calling Kim Jeonghyun sunbae on campus once.

A short laugh escaped at the futile thought.

This was the last gift I could give before I went back to get Kim Jeonghyun in a few years. There couldn’t be a situation where Kim Jeonghyun ran away, afraid of running into me. That university was originally Kim Jeonghyun’s place.

I planned to continue the surveillance. So that I could come to Korea immediately if there were any signs of trouble. If possible, I wanted to continue to be with him like this, but it was the final decision I made after clearly realizing that I was becoming more and more of a madman.

I didn’t have a single shred of intention to go to a new place to forget Kim Jeonghyun and endure the pain. Even if it was a scar, just as I wanted my traces to remain on him in some form, I, too, did not want to avoid the feeling of wanting and longing for Kim Jeonghyun. I wanted Kim Jeonghyun’s presence to run wilder within me, to claw and wound me. I hoped that those scars would not fade at all until I went to get him again.

It was just that if I continued like this, I felt like I would run to Kim Jeonghyun. It was to prevent that. When I came to my senses, I felt like I would be like a starving beast, finding Kim Jeonghyun, hugging him, smelling him, and kissing him. After turning my back with great effort to give him time to recover, I felt like I would once again split open his wound that was healing with difficulty and slowly, and tear it to shreds.

I moved my hand, which had paused for a moment, and mechanically put on my clothes again. I picked up the documents, including the withdrawal form I had placed on the desk, and the plane ticket, and slowly walked out to the entrance. My luggage was already all loaded in the car. All I had to do was leave.

And yet, my feet, held back by lingering attachment, did not easily move. I dropped my gaze to the spot where Kim Jeonghyun always used to crouch, wearing the dog collar.

My clenched fist trembled. I squeezed my eyelids shut until they ached, then opened them.

I ran my fingers over the completely closed door of the room, ensuring Kim Jeonghyun’s scent wouldn’t fade. Over and over, again.

Finally, the steps I took as I turned and walked away were as heavy as the sticky, lingering attachment.

📖

Before I knew it, the season had arrived when the sunlight felt stinging as I stood in the hospital’s outdoor garden. Seeing the caregiver wiping the beads of sweat forming on her forehead with a handkerchief the moment she came to work, I could feel the passage of time I had spent here.

Today was finally the day of my discharge.

The caregiver, who had come in especially early, meticulously packed the belongings in the hospital room. We had accumulated quite a lot of things from staying here for several months. After packing everything, the caregiver and I sat for a moment, waiting for the admissions office to process the payment.

“Oh my, what am I going to do, I’ll be so sad not seeing you anymore, Jeonghyun. I’m really going to miss you.”

“I-I’ll m-miss you too, ma’am.”

“So pretty and gentle like this. You’ll do so well wherever you go.”

“Haha, th-thank you.”

The caregiver naturally stroked my hair with her teary eyes. My body still flinched and shrank whenever someone’s hand approached, but the caregiver was an exception. For several months, she had treated me with true devotion.

Looking at the caregiver’s warm, smiling face, my own mother’s face would naturally overlap with it. The faint hope for my mother’s future that followed was a bonus.

“…Uh, Jeonghyun. I heard this a few weeks ago…”

Ahem, from the unnecessary clearing of her throat and the way she was glancing around, it seemed she had received some other instructions from Jihyuk. She didn’t have to be so cautious. Feeling unnecessarily sorry, I deliberately nodded my head calmly.

“Yes.”

“He said he has withdrawn from school, so Jeonghyun should go back whenever you feel comfortable… He told me to be sure to pass this on when you’re discharged.”

“…Yes? W-withdrawn?”

However, what the caregiver said was something I had not expected at all. At my voice, which had come out louder than I intended, the caregiver nodded her head once more.

For a moment, my mind went completely blank. I blinked my eyes dazedly, momentarily forgetting even the joy of being discharged.

For Jihyuk to withdraw from school.

I had thought that I would have to return to school someday. But for me, who was just preparing to leave the hospital, it felt like a vague plan for a very distant future. I still didn’t have the courage to move that plan forward in the near future.

Because I didn’t want to increase my debt to Jihyuk any further, I had pestered my doctor to let me be discharged even a day sooner. Although my condition had improved a lot compared to before, making discharge possible, the doctor had repeatedly emphasized that my future prognosis depended on outpatient treatment.

To me, in such a state, the university couldn’t help but feel like a castle in the air. For now, survival was urgent. I had to go back to earning money to support my life like before. I had to return to my life of paying my mother’s hospital bills, saving money for rent, and tapping on a calculator while saving a thousand won here, two thousand won there. First, I had to create a somewhat stable environment, and returning to school was the next problem.

No, actually, putting all that aside, to be honest, I didn’t have the confidence to face Jihyuk right now. Just imagining a scene where I confronted Jihyuk made my blood run cold. It was possible I might have a seizure on campus.

But Jihyuk was saying he would remove even that discomfort. Not with the material means he hands out as if doing me a favor, but by inflicting a huge loss upon himself.

I couldn’t understand Jihyuk more and more. The Jihyuk I knew was not that kind of person. He would withdraw from a school he had worked hard to get into, just because I might be uncomfortable?

“…Student. Jeonghyun. Are you okay?”

“Yes? …Ah, yes.”

“Your complexion suddenly got so bad.”

“I-I’m fine.”

I forced the corners of my mouth up and shook my head. The caregiver, who was looking at me worriedly, took something out from her bosom and fumbled to hand it to me.

“And, Jeonghyun. He told me to give you this, too…”

“Wh-what is this…”

What the caregiver handed me was a small envelope. I tore open the envelope with a puzzled expression and couldn’t help but stiffen my face again.

Inside were a bankbook and a card. And a single, endlessly short message. Use it for living expenses, I took in Jihyuk’s casually written words with my eyes and let out a deep sigh, haah.

“He said if you don’t feel like using it, to just keep it… That’s what he told me to tell you.”

“…Yes.”

I had no choice but to nod at the caregiver’s added words. This gift from Jihyuk, so one-sidedly thrust upon me, felt more burdensome than welcome, but it was useless to vent such feelings to the caregiver. Resigned, I carefully placed the envelope deep inside my handbag.

Just then, ding, a text message arrived saying the payment had already been completed.

I clenched my fists tightly. The help I received from Jihyuk, right up to the very end, felt only heavy to me. Although I had strongly insisted through the caregiver and had Jeonghee, who was discharged from the facility, taken to the house we originally lived in, not the one Jihyuk had gotten for him, besides that, the help I had received from him up until now was endlessly piled up.

After bowing my head for a moment, I put my cell phone in my pocket and clenched my fist tightly. I know that the debt I owe Jihyuk is an amount so vast that the end is not in sight. But I can pay it back slowly and faithfully. There’s no other way. To do that, recovery to daily life was the priority.

I will get better, clenching my teeth. Just like the content of the message he sent me.

I unconsciously clutched the note I had kept in my pocket and recalled a few days ago when I had seen this message. I had accidentally opened the bedside drawer and discovered a note I had never seen before. It was a drawer I hadn’t used much lately, as I had changed the location where I kept things.

[I’ll be back. Get well soon. Because I’ll miss you a lot.]

As soon as I saw the paper, which was carelessly folded a couple of times, I knew. That it was a message Jihyuk had left before he left. And, my gaze was fixed as if nailed to the sentence at the very end.

That he would miss me. This sentence, which I couldn’t imagine Jihyuk leaving, was clearly in the handwriting of the Jihyuk I knew.

‘I liked you.’

‘And I love you.’

…Perhaps, was that reality and not a dream?

I don’t know why such an unidentifiable anger surged up the moment I saw it. A huge lump of mixed emotions clogged up my chest. I tried to exhale the sticky thing that was choking me with a deep breath, but the densely tangled lump wouldn’t budge.

You said you liked me. You said you loved me.

Why did you make me like this.

Why did you leave me, a complete wreck, here and go.

Why, why did you…

I didn’t know why the fact that Jihyuk had left me was tormenting me so much. I had endured by looking only at the things he had promised to give me in exchange for my body. But even after leaving my side, Jihyuk was still paying for all those things for me. Without any price.

If I were to think that Jihyuk was doing this because he was sorry for making me a fool, so I, too, should accept this situation selfishly. In fact, aren’t the things I’m receiving now enough?

That should be enough. Then why on earth are my eyes getting so hot?

Right after Jihyuk left, I cried every night, hugging my own arms, and missed the body heat that had covered me. The only person who could soothe me, who was messed up and broken, and make me fall into a deep sleep was Jihyuk. He always threw me into the abyss, but at the same time, he was the only person who could let me escape into an unconsciousness as sweet as death.

But Jihyuk left me. Leaving just this one measly note behind.

A rising sense of suffocation slowly tightened around my neck. A clear hatred came alive and thrashed, vivid and blue. After making me unable to live without him, after leaving me abandoned like that. To say he’ll miss me. To say he likes me, and loves me.

Is this what love is to Jihyuk? Playing with someone as he pleases and then abandoning them when they break. Is that what he calls love? If so, is the material help he is endlessly showering on me now just a form of compensation for his actions? Is that the kind of love Jihyuk gives?

My clenched fist trembled. A familiar pressure began to slowly coil around my neck like a snake. But as I was about to raise my fist to hit my chest, a long-standing habit, I struggled to open my hand. Was it thanks to the medicine I took every day and the repeated counseling? Or was it because of the intense hatred for someone I had never felt before, and the stubborn pride that stemmed from it?

Tightly, I pulled my hand down with force. Instead of the method of bruising myself, I chose to close my eyes tightly and take a deep breath. My exhaled breath trembled pathetically. But in the slowly repeating breaths, my racing heart rate began to calm down.

And at that moment, I decided to be discharged, something I had been putting off day after day for the reason that my stuttering symptom hadn’t fully healed.

In fact, I knew best that I had escaped the emergency state. I was just scared of going outside the hospital.

To anyone’s eyes, I was still a fool. I couldn’t speak a single sentence properly, I couldn’t make eye contact with strangers and would avoid them, and with my pathetically drained body, a single lap around the hallway outside my room would leave me out of breath.

I was scared to go out into the world in such a state. Just like the helpless past days when I had to stay cooped up in the house all day, waiting for Jihyuk’s touch, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to do anything even if I went outside. I felt like the whole world would point fingers at me and despise me as a dirty male prostitute.

But the moment I read the note, a stubbornness I had never felt before welled up.

Jihyuk was clearly stating in his message. The fact that he would return to me. And I didn’t think he would make an empty bluff. The Jihyuk I knew was someone who would search the ends of the earth to find me.

If Jihyuk were to come back to see me someday, I wanted to be different from how I am now. I didn’t want to face him looking like this. Unlike the shabby and desperate past when I sold my body to him, I hoped I could repay the debt I owed him with a calm demeanor. Righteously.

To do that, I had to be brave. It was time to leave the cave where I had been cowering as if dead, and walk out into the world.

“Ah, ma’am. I-I think we can go now.”

“Okay. Let’s go together.”

With my hands full of luggage, I turned my head towards the caregiver, who was also carrying a lot of bags. And I smiled, raising the corners of my mouth towards her who had taken care of me until now. With the brightest smile I could manage.

“F-for everything… th-thank you for taking good care of me.”

When was the last time I had smiled like this? It was an awkward and foolish smile, with the muscles around my mouth twitching and the corners of my lips stiff. And yet, when she saw my smiling face, the caregiver smiled very brightly back at me. Sincerely.