NANOM Ch 36

The water in the pot was boiling vigorously. I reached out to grab some instant noodles from the cupboard. What I picked up was, as was natural now unlike in the past, three packs. Even so, thanks to the person who periodically buys them for me by the box, I never run out of instant noodles.

I put all the instant noodles into the large pot from which steam was rising, and cracked in a couple of eggs as well. While I stirred the springy noodles a few times with chopsticks, the sound of running water continuously flowed from the bathroom.

The house is small, so it must be inconvenient, so why does he always eat here and wash up here. Such questions had already faded a long time ago. I had asked him that many times before, but the answer that came back each time was the same.

‘I want to be with you, teacher, but I can’t bring you to my house, you know.’

His tone, as if asking why I was asking something so obvious, left me so flabbergasted that I could only shut my mouth. Jihyuk’s attitude of thinking that he and I must always be together is always so resolute.

Being together doesn’t mean anything special happens. It’s just that Jihyuk consistently visits my house. Sometimes, to the front of the school too. After I expressed my discomfort last time, the location changed to a nearby cafe instead of the front gate, but in any case, we seem to see each other two or three times a week.

When we meet, we mainly have meals together. Usually, Jihyuk buys and brings takeout food, but since I feel burdened by always being treated, I sometimes cook instant noodles at home like this. Even though Jihyuk is a picky eater, he really likes the instant noodles I make.

Other than that, we occasionally drink coffee at a nearby cafe, or Jihyuk will just give me a ride to my tutoring student’s house or to school. It seems like a schedule that Jihyuk wouldn’t find fun at all, but for some reason, that kid has been doing it consistently for several months now.

I, too, didn’t feel any particular discomfort with Jihyuk’s visits. He doesn’t treat me coercively as he always did when he came to my house in the past, nor does he throw a tantrum, insisting on sleeping over. He just brings me meals around mealtime and gives me rides here and there. He helped with my tight schedule of tutoring, school classes, and studying, rather than being a hindrance.

I tried to stop him several times out of guilt, but Jihyuk always maintained the same attitude.

‘I come here in my spare time after getting all my work done, so don’t worry. If I don’t do at least this, I’ll go crazy from wanting to see you, so what do you want me to do, then.’

Like that, I spent a season of spring with Jihyuk, and together we entered the end of summer. I was absentmindedly recalling my days with Jihyuk when I snapped back to my senses with a start, and I wiped the sweat beading on my forehead with my sleeve. The sound of water crashing down in the bathroom once again reminded me of reality.

No matter how much it was August, it couldn’t be this hot. Cooking instant noodles in the sweltering house was unbearably hot. The rattling fan had no effect at all in cooling down my sweat.

The sound of water stopped at the same time I turned off the stove. Before Jihyuk came out, I placed the pot of instant noodles on the small dining table I had set up in advance and set out the spoons and chopsticks. However, after putting the table down in the room, I belatedly remembered that I had forgotten the kimchi. I went back to the kitchen and was opening the refrigerator when the bathroom door opened.

“Is it ready?”

Jihyuk, who had to duck his head low to come out of the narrow doorway, asks with a bright smile on his face. Seeing him with just his pants on, shirtless, and a towel around his neck, I felt for a moment like a loud noise had exploded in my chest. So the moment our eyes met, I hastily turned my face away.

“Oh? Uh…. Hurry up and come. It’ll get soggy.”

“Okayyy.”

Answering with a long, drawn-out sound like a child whining, Jihyuk dried his wet hair with the towel and picked up the t-shirt he had placed in front of the door. It was one of the several short-sleeved t-shirts Jihyuk had brought over in advance, saying my clothes didn’t fit him.

Even though I had quickly averted my gaze, Jihyuk’s image remained in my mind like an afterimage. The dimples that deepened whenever he smiled, and the smiling eyes he showed so generously towards me. The well-defined muscles of his body, which was all bulked up, apparently from having worked out just before coming.
Ah. Again. It’s happening again.

A beat later, I closed my eyes with a small sigh.

It was Jihyuk’s body and face, which I had once seen to the point of being sick of them. It was just two years ago that my heart would pound wildly in my chest and fear would try to swallow me whole just by looking at his face.

But how did I end up sitting across from Jihyuk, eating a meal, and spending time with him so nonchalantly like this. As if that wasn’t enough, to even feel this, this kind of lurching feeling.

‘…It’s ridiculous.’

Forcibly suppressing my emotions, I opened my eyes. In front of me, Jihyuk was sitting at the dining table, wearing a neat white t-shirt as if he had never been shirtless.

“What are you doing? With your eyes closed. Are you praying or something?”

“No, just…. Let’s eat.”

I muttered evasively and picked up my chopsticks, but Jihyuk already had a playful smile plastered all over his face.

“No, it’s not nothing. There’s something.”

“…What… is there. There’s nothing.”

I turned my head away with a sullen reply. Then, a hand came swooping in. The heat from the hand that playfully stroked my hair was hot. Even though he must have just washed up with cold water.

“What were you thinking about while I was washing up.”

“I wasn’t thinking about anything. …And you, why do you keep washing up at my house. You said you hated it because it was too hot… then too cold.”

I grumbled on purpose and grabbed Jihyuk’s hand, pulling it down. Then I placed chopsticks into his open hand. It was a silent suggestion for him to just eat.

Even if I do this, I’ll probably just get the same cringeworthy answer I always hear, ‘I want to see you, teacher, even one minute sooner, so what do you expect me to do.’ However, today, a different answer came back than usual.

“So that I can smell the same as you, teacher.”

Thump, the noise I heard earlier sounded again inside my chest. Jihyuk, who says such things with such a playful smiling face, is always too much for me to handle.

Does Jihyuk know? That even if he uses the same body wash as me, it only takes a few minutes for his body to be imbued with Jihyuk’s unique scent. And that I feel a strange way every time I wash the clothes he occasionally leaves behind, which are thoroughly soaked in his body scent.

It’s not simply a fluttering or good feeling. It’s just as bewildering as I felt a moment ago. While I was apart from Jihyuk, I had thought about it. That even if I were to reunite with Jihyuk someday, it would probably take a very long time to forgive him. No, perhaps it might be difficult to forgive him forever.

However, Jihyuk was digging into my daily life faster and more tenaciously than I had thought. The speed and the process were so natural that I wondered if it was okay for things to be this way. That was the reason I had been experiencing this kind of confusion so often lately.

“What are you doing? It’ll get soggy.”

“Huh? Oh, right.”

Jihyuk, who was sitting with proper posture and eating his instant noodles, broke me out of my thoughts with an indifferent voice. Every time Jihyuk bowed his head, the scent of the shampoo I use wafted over.

The three packs of instant noodles were finished in no time. While I was clearing the table, Jihyuk, who had finished brushing his teeth, plops down on the floor. I watched for a moment as Jihyuk played a game on his phone in a comfortable position, getting hit by the breeze from the fan that wasn’t cool at all, and then placed a workbook on the wiped-clean dining table. The engineer certification exam was in a few days.

Like that, for a while, I studied, and Jihyuk played his game. During that time, only silence filled the room. Only the sound of the fan turning could be heard regularly. I glanced out the window, and even though it was summer when the sun doesn’t set easily, it had gotten dark. It had to be at least 8 o’clock.

Usually, when Jihyuk visits like this, he stays for about two hours before leaving, so he’ll probably be getting up soon. Just as I was thinking that, Jihyuk turned off his phone screen and got up from his lying position.

“Are you leaving?”

“Yes. I have to go.”

Jihyuk, who spat out the words discontentedly, stretched out his arms. I, too, inadvertently closed the book I was reading.

I happened to ask him once before. If he got scolded by his parents after dropping out of school. Since it was a school everyone else envied, his parents’ disappointment must have been immense. The face of Jihyuk’s father, who had once asked me to please make sure Jihyuk took the college entrance exam, was still vivid in my mind.

At that time, Jihyuk had casually said. That he got beaten to an inch of his life. Seeing my horrified expression, he belatedly grinned and changed his words, saying he was just slapped a few times, but strangely, my heart had felt heavy since then.

That’s why when Jihyuk applied for readmission two weeks ago, completed the interview with the department head, and received his readmission approval, a part of my heart felt much lighter.

However, the fact that Jihyuk was going back to school and the fact that he would now be attending the same school as me brought about completely separate emotions. I calmly regarded that fact, which was both unfamiliar and stirring to the heart.

There was certainly a time when I was afraid of attending the same school as Jihyuk. But now that it has truly become a reality right before my eyes, I am no longer shaken. That fact was reminding me that I had escaped from the time I was submerged in darkness.

“You’ll be busy. Once you… go back to school.”

“I suppose so.”

Jihyuk said it carelessly and rolled his tongue inside his mouth with discontent. It couldn’t be helped. As soon as he finished the semester, he was set to join his father’s company. He said he had decided to learn the ropes from his father during the semester as well, in order to be able to pull his own weight without any trouble right away.

Besides that, there was one more reason why Jihyuk visited my house whenever he had a spare moment. It was because he would soon be bringing his mother home from the hospital. It was her discharge after a whole 11 years. The only reason I had endured living in this house without moving into the dorms until now was to take care of my mother after her discharge.

Once I start living with my mother, it would probably be difficult for Jihyuk to come and go from my house as freely as he does now. That’s why Jihyuk had insisted he should come as much as possible while he could, and had been visiting my house whenever he had a spare moment from spring to summer.

“But, I still like it.”

“…Why?”

“We finally get to attend the same school, teacher.”

Jihyuk’s smiling face looked extremely satisfied. Not knowing what to say back, I was choosing my words in my mouth, when Jihyuk suddenly asked.

“Teacher.”

“Yes?”

“Is there anything you want?”

I was momentarily flustered by the abrupt question. It was only a few days ago that Jihyuk had tried to install an air conditioner in my house on his own whim, leading to a small fight with me and the plan falling through. I was about to ask why he was suddenly asking such a thing, but I hesitated.

Come to think of it, August 23rd, my birthday is in a few days. He’s probably… planning to celebrate my birthday. But I shook my head with a firm expression.

“No.”

“Not a single thing?”

“No. …Not a single thing.”

Jihyuk was openly showing a displeased expression, but it couldn’t be helped. It might just be my delusion and perhaps I was getting too ahead of myself, but from what I’ve seen of Jihyuk so far, if I were to say I wanted something, he would probably buy it for me without hesitation. Whatever it might be.

I didn’t want to increase my debt to Jihyuk any further. I couldn’t even count all the things I had received from him so far. I was still consistently saving a portion of my earnings as a savings installment plan to someday repay what I had received from Jihyuk.

“Are you really going to be like this?”

“…What, what did I do.”

“I might just go ahead and buy you something on my own.”

I could tell just by looking at his face. That Jihyuk’s mood was starting to sour from the successive refusals. This was the same Jihyuk who had once bought a house for me and Jeonghee. The air conditioner incident from a few days ago also came to mind, and I even remembered him muttering something about ‘should I buy you a car’ once, so I hurriedly opened my mouth.

“I… I get it. Then, a cake, if you buy me one… I’d be grateful.”

A moment of silence passed, and Jihyuk scowled fiercely.

“Are you kidding me?”

“…I’m serious.”

His expression was still displeased, so I added another word in what I tried to make a serious tone.

“It’s been a long time… since I’ve received a birthday cake.”

Even though I had only added it to persuade Jihyuk, perhaps because of the content of my words, it sounded pathetic. I peeked at his face, but Jihyuk just stared at my face with a blank expression.

After a short silence, Jihyuk opened his mouth.

“Alright. A cake it is, then.”

After speaking, he raises his hand and strokes my hair. As if it were the most natural thing to do. I had tried pushing Jihyuk’s hand away many times before, but it was always only for that moment, so knowing it was useless, I just stayed still.

His already hot hands were even more feverish now that it was summer. And yet, the body heat and touch that reached me didn’t evoke an unpleasant feeling. I was quietly receiving Jihyuk’s touch before I finally grabbed his hand and pulled it down.

“…Hurry up and go.”

“Alright.”

Jihyuk, who let out a small laugh, this time grabs my head and gently pulls me closer.

“Don’t overdo it. Finish up early.”

“…Mm-hm.”

Smooch, a kiss landed on my forehead along with the sound. This, too, is just a habitual contact, like Jihyuk stroking my hair. Even if I think that and try my best to be composed, with this one, it’s not easy to calm the illicit vibrations in my chest. Every single time.

“Sleep well.”

Jihyuk, who smiled refreshingly, left the room. Soon, the sound of the front door closing followed. For a short while, I watched Jihyuk’s back as he opened the door and left, then turned my eyes back to the book spread out on the table.

Just a little more to solve and I’ll be done for today. I have to finish it quickly. I steeled my resolve and diligently moved the writing instrument in my hand.

However, not long after, I took my eyes off the book and found myself staring at the empty spot beside me. It was the spot where Jihyuk had been lying down and playing a game on his phone until just a moment ago.

“…….”

I felt that the room was strangely empty.

I tried to turn my gaze back to the book, but when I came to my senses, I saw myself once again casting my eyes to the spot where Jihyuk had been lying. I was so baffled I let out a few chuckles. What is this, that I can’t concentrate more when I’m alone than when someone is here.

Anyway, I have to finish this quickly before it gets too late. Jihyuk would surely call around midnight. That kid still loves to be on the phone with me at night. Even for just 5 to 10 minutes when one of us is busy. He says he has to hear my voice to fall asleep.

Is it because Jihyuk calls so persistently every night? I think I’m also starting to accept my phone calls with Jihyuk as a natural habit. Seeing as I’m thinking I have to finish my studies by then. I chuckled again, baffled like before, but straightened my back and threw an absorbed gaze at the text.

📖

I don’t know for how many days I was immersed in studying for the exam like that. My semester grades were very important for early graduation, but people said it was best to get as many engineer certifications as possible to jump straight into practical work. So, the summer vacation was pretty much a battle with certification exams.

Tutoring, visiting my mother, and meeting with Jeonghee and Jihyuk were interspersed throughout my tight schedule. Jeonghee, too, was fired up with part-time jobs and English studies all summer, yet she went to see our mother every single day. I was so proud and fond of Jeonghee that whenever I received my salary from my tutoring student’s parents, the first thing I would do was send Jeonghee some allowance. That was my happiness.

At the end of August, the start of the second semester was really just around the corner. The academic pressure was no small matter. Once the semester began, I had to focus entirely on managing my grades, and I had to maintain my livelihood by tutoring in between. And on top of that, I had to take good care of my mother.

“…Haaa….”

As soon as I opened my eyes, I stretched out to clear my head, which had become complicated with all sorts of thoughts. Yesterday was a day without tutoring, so I was cooped up in the library all day, just studying. The fatigue that had accumulated over the past few days must have been extreme, as I had fallen asleep around 11:30 PM.

I fumbled around the head of the bed and picked up my phone. Even before turning on the screen, the first person who came to mind was Jihyuk. He’s a kid who loves to call every night, I wonder if he didn’t call yesterday….

The first thing that caught my eye was 1 missed call. It was from Jihyuk. Perhaps because I had sent him a message earlier saying I was sleepy, he hadn’t called again persistently. And the next thing I noticed was, uncharacteristically, several messages that had arrived all at once.

[Hey Kim Jeonghyun! Happy bday!]

I saw an incredibly concise message and a gift from Woojae. Happy bday…? Surprised, I checked the date, and the number August 23rd came into view.

“Ha….”

A hollow laugh escaped me out of disbelief. I guess I’ve been living a busy life lately. No matter what, to sleep without even knowing it was my birthday.

Woojae’s message had been sent around 7 in the morning. I sent a reply saying thank you, and then read Jeonghee’s congratulatory message which had come around 2 in the morning. After replying to that as well, I opened and checked Jihyuk’s message, which had come first in chronological order. For some reason, my heart was pounding even before I read it.

[Happy birthday. Teacher.]

[You’re not answering the phone, so I’m leaving a message thinking you’re asleep.]

Looking at the concise congratulatory message, I smiled without realizing it. It felt like I could hear his low, raspy voice. Come to think of it, 00:01 was written next to the message, and the time of the missed call was right after midnight.

Chuckle, another laugh burst out. A birthday greeting as soon as it turned midnight. What was certain was that I didn’t feel bad. No, to be honest, I felt a little fluttery and very… happy.

In truth, there was no special schedule just because it was my birthday. With the certification exam right around the corner, I was scheduled to be even busier than on other days. I had already told Jihyuk that I would be swamped all day. After visiting my mother, I had to go straight to the library to study for the certification exam all day, and at 8 PM, I even had tutoring with a student. Since tutoring would end at 9 PM, it would be hard to go anywhere.

Of course, Jihyuk had spewed complaints with a fierce intensity.

‘Does that make sense? I haven’t even been able to see your face properly lately because you’ve been so busy. And we can’t even go on a date on your birthday?’

‘Still… what can I do. I’m busy. You’re… busy too.’

I cut him off with a single word and, trying my best to hide my flushed face, added coolly.

‘…And, what do you mean, a date….’

How could a single word shake me up like this. It was an overly cringeworthy word for Jihyuk and me to use. A date… a date.

Anyway, the conversation ended like that. Jihyuk, too, had grumbled but then spat out discontentedly, ‘can’t be helped, I guess’. Still, he would probably come to give me the cake. I had told him I would be busy all day, but it didn’t seem likely that Jihyuk wouldn’t come at all.

I think it would be nice just to see his face for a little while. I was casually thinking that as I washed my face with the cold water I had turned on.

Nice just to see his face….

It’s just ridiculous. Wiping my face with a towel, I patted on an all-in-one toner and lotion for men and let out another hollow laugh.

After Jihyuk returned, I didn’t know how I should accept him. It was perhaps a time of even greater chaos than what I had experienced while thinking of him during his absence. Was his existence a salvation for me, or a downfall? Since that itself was ambiguous, I couldn’t help but be confused every time I faced Jihyuk.

Jihyuk saved my family. That much was an undeniable fact. If it hadn’t been for Jihyuk, Jeonghee and I would be rolling around in a mire with no sign of light by now. We might not even have had the chance to see our mother’s life force quietly bloom.

However, Jihyuk was also the person who had dragged and thrown me into hell. Traces of that were still sometimes found in me.
I still spoke slowly, and stuttered severely when I was flustered or surprised. I was also still afraid of large men. Nightmares also visited me consistently at intervals of a few days or weeks.

In those dreams, I was still naked and crawling at Jihyuk’s feet, and being endlessly raped on the bed. After waking up from such a dream, there were times when I felt skeptical about my present self, who allowed and accepted Jihyuk when he sought me out.

However, just as spring arrives stealthily without one knowing that it’s coming after winter passes, the thin layer of ice that had been frozen solid melted away bit by bit. In the countless hours spent with Jihyuk who had come to find me, my wariness towards him had also softened a great deal.

Because of that, I started to think that it was okay to give him a part of my daily life. The reasons within me to endlessly put up a fence against Jihyuk, who constantly sought me out and took care of me as if it were a matter of course, were getting smaller and smaller.

I didn’t know the exact reason why. Whether it was simply due to the passage of time, or because Jihyuk was showing me a different attitude than before, or because I couldn’t escape from the memories that had been so intensely imprinted during my time with him.

Since I couldn’t define it clearly, my relationship with Jihyuk was always difficult for me. The time when I was so afraid I would have a seizure just from seeing Jihyuk’s face had definitely passed. Taking it one step further, lately, whenever I see Jihyuk, a strange feeling would well up in my chest.

The number of times I would casually think that his face was handsome increased. My heart would pound loudly whenever my eyes met Jihyuk’s, which were fierce even without any particular effort, but always became mischievous when directed at me. If our bodies happened to brush against each other, that night I would recall that moment several times while trying to force myself to sleep.

But so far, all these feelings felt inappropriate to me.

Is it really right for me to harbor such feelings while looking at Jihyuk?

‘…I don’t know.’

Rather than dwelling on a problem for which I couldn’t easily find an answer, I had to first live the daily life in front of me. First, I should tell Jihyuk thank you for the birthday wishes. Considering it was early in the morning, I thought about replying with a message like before, but then I thought Jihyuk would probably prefer a call, so I called him. After three rings, Jihyuk’s voice connected immediately.

“Oh. ……Yesterday, I was too tired, so I fell asleep.”

—I thought so.

Was it because it was early in the morning? His pleasant, low voice was a little raspy. Fortunately, there was no sign of annoyance at all. I was silently savoring Jihyuk’s husky voice in my mind when his voice continued again.

—Teacher.

“Mm-hm.”

—Happy birthday.

It was a sound like wood grain, imbued with warmth. Listening to his voice, which inevitably knocked on my heart and created cracks, I couldn’t hide the small smile that spread across my face.

“…Thank you.”

—You said you’re busy today. What time do you finish?

“Uh…. After tutoring, it’s 9 o’clock. …If I go home, it’ll be a little before 10….”

Even as I said it, I thought it was too late. Before Jihyuk could say anything, I quickly continued.

“It’s too… late. You must be busy, too… If it’s a burden, let’s meet tomorrow or the day after.”

However, all I heard from over the phone was the sound of air escaping. Jihyuk, who was snorting, even seemed to find it absurd.

—That won’t do. Today’s tutoring is with that kid named Daegun or something, right?

“…Mm-hm.”

—I’ll come pick you up. At 9. To the front of his house.

Jihyuk was thinking of the fact that we were meeting today as something incredibly natural. This time, a laugh escaped from my side. Even the one-sided notice didn’t make me feel bad. I just felt a sense of gratitude towards Jihyuk for trying to make such a big deal out of a birthday I had always spent without much meaning until now.

“…Okay. And….”

I cleared my throat a couple of times on purpose before spitting out the words stuck in my throat.

“…Thank you.”

At my words, Jihyuk snorted again. As if to say, why are you saying something like that. However, because Jihyuk’s subsequent words, “Well then, do your best today too,” were imbued with a gentle warmth, I felt good for a while after hanging up the phone whenever I recalled that voice.

📖

In the morning, I simply took care of the overdue housework. Just a few weeks ago, when Jihyuk used to visit often, I would do the laundry and cleaning as they came up so they wouldn’t pile up, but as we both got busy these past few days and I hadn’t let Jihyuk into the house, it had become a mess in that short time. I had also neglected it a bit, being so absorbed in studying for the certification.

As soon as I finished the housework, I rushed to the hospital. Jeonghee, who had arrived first, greeted me warmly. I spent a relaxed and enjoyable time for a little while, encouraging our mother, who was now able to communicate simply. It seemed her walking speed without assistive devices had gotten faster. Supporting and propping up our mother, Jeonghee and I cheered her on in excited tones the whole time.

Jeonghee and I left the hospital room after our mother had fallen asleep from exhaustion. Closing the hospital room door, Jeonghee smiled brightly.

“Oppa, happy birthday. Come to think of it, did you have seaweed soup?”

“Seaweed soup… what are you talking about. I just… ate whatever, I guess.”

I smiled awkwardly as I said that, but in truth, I had been so focused on housework that I had forgotten to eat breakfast. But if I said that as it was, I felt like Jeonghee would nag me again, so I quietly kept my mouth shut.

“What about you… did you have lunch? If you’re not busy, should we eat together?”

“I’m really sorry, but today the manager suddenly asked me to come in an hour early… so I don’t think I can, what should I do. Actually, I was planning to leave right when you came, oppa.”

Jeonghee’s eyebrows drooped as she clasped her hands together. I opened my eyes wide and quickly waved my hands.

“It’s fine, it’s o…kay. It’s not like we had… a lunch date planned in advance anyway.”

“Still, it’s your birthday. I’m sorry for making you eat lunch alone.”

“It’s okay. I’ll also… eat on my own, and I have to get to the library quickly.”

And so, Jeonghee and I parted ways in front of the hospital. For a moment, I considered following Jeonghee’s suggestion and having a bowl of seaweed soup at the restaurant on the first basement floor of the hospital, but I suddenly couldn’t be bothered to eat alone. Besides, the exam was really right around the corner, so I felt rushed.

In the end, I had a simple meal of a cup of instant noodles and a triangle kimbap from the convenience store next to the restaurant. After cleaning up the rustling mess from my meal and brushing my teeth in the bathroom, I walked diligently towards the subway station. I dozed off and on, and before I knew it, I was at my destination. When I came out of the station, took the shuttle bus, and got off in front of the library, it was already almost two o’clock. I went straight into the library and opened my book.

An hour, two hours. As I focused, time flew by terrifyingly fast. I stretched my stiff neck and shoulders in between, and went to the bathroom a couple of times, continuing to press on. I also drank a cup of iced coffee. By the time I had finished studying the amount I had targeted and looked at the clock, it was already 6:40.

The sky outside was still bright, but it had already gotten this late. I rubbed my weary eyelids and stretched out my arms. A sense of relief and pride that I had thankfully finished my studies right on time washed over me.

I tidied up my spot, packed my bag, and left the library. Once again, I transferred between the shuttle bus and the subway, heading to the house of Daegun, the student I would be tutoring today. I hadn’t even arrived at Daegun’s house yet, but a mountain of fatigue was already descending upon me.

‘Haaa….’

A sigh naturally escaped me at the breathless schedule. I got off the last bus and started walking towards the student’s house. My backpack felt unusually heavy on my back today. Was it because the workbook was thick? I walked, shrugging my shoulders that were knotted like rocks a couple of times, and before I knew it, I was in front of the student’s house.

Ding-dong, as soon as I rang the bell, the communal entrance door opened. As I stepped inside the house, the unique smell of Daegun’s home, which was now familiar to me, rushed over me. The smell of a warm family.

Daegun, who opened the door, gave a slight nod.

“Hello, teacher.”

“Mm-hm. Did you, finish all your homework?”

“Uh…. Almost… almost.”

Seeing him avert his eyes and mumble, it seemed he hadn’t done the last page or two again. I suppressed the smile that was surreptitiously trying to break through and tried to put on a stern expression.

“Oh oh. That’s, different from what you promised? This time, we agreed… you’d do it all.”

“Ah…. Teacher. I really did my best.”

The way he mumbled his excuses even with a slouchy tone was cute, so a laugh finally burst out. Seeing that there was no one else in the house besides Daegun, it seemed the student was alone today.

I was casually taking off my shoes to enter the house when something strange caught my eye. I opened my eyes wide to check, and the heel of my sock was completely worn out and had a hole in it. If it had been on the toe side, I would have noticed it quickly, but since it was on the back, I hadn’t paid much attention and hadn’t known.

‘…This is.’

I bit my lip and quickly glanced at the student’s face. My neck felt hot for no reason. Fortunately, Daegun seemed to be leading the way into his room and hadn’t seen my sock yet. I fidgeted, rubbing the gaping hole in the heel with my other foot, and followed him into the room. If I sit cross-legged and cover it well… it’ll be fine.

“Let’s sit down first. Your homework… take it out.”

“Teacher. But I really, in my own way, did my best….”

It was when Daegun was looking at me and trying to mumble some excuse. Suddenly, a wide smile spread across his mischievous face. His gaze was on my heel. It seemed he had spotted the hole in my sock like a ghost, even though I had tried my best to cover it by sitting cross-legged.

“Huh? Teacher, your sock has a hole in it. Why is it so big? At this rate, your whole foot is going to come out.”

“…I know, so stop laughing and this….”

After calming down Daegun, who was giggling for a long time, I managed to draw his attention to the workbook. I was just about to read the first problem when my stomach suddenly churned loudly and a gurgle sound spread.

“…….”

In an instant, my earlobes turned bright red. The sound was too loud to pretend I hadn’t heard it. From the sock to the growling sound, really… one thing after another today. Hehehe, Daegun, unable to hold back his laughter, laughed out loud and cast a mischievous gaze at me.

“Ah, teacher. Are you hungry?”

“…It’s because I’ve been studying… until just now.”

“My mom’s not here. Should I get you some fruit? But I can’t peel fruit.”

“It’s okay. Don’t, worry about it. More importantly, quickly… look here first. That thing from last time… what are you going to do if you get it wrong again.”

Unable to hide my blushing face, I stubbornly started the lesson again. Daegun, who had chuckled a few times, also quietly listened to the explanation. However, that too was only for a moment, and from the time a loud message notification sound went off in succession from Daegun’s phone, which had been tossed aside, his concentration began to noticeably wander.

Is it because his mother isn’t here? Today’s tutoring is especially not easy. I stopped the hand that was scribbling equations on the paper while spewing out explanations, and instructed him in a deliberately stern voice.

“…Your phone, put it on silent.”

“Ah, okay.”

Daegun grumbled in a small voice but silently turned his phone to silent. However, his gaze kept turning to the side. He should have put his phone far away, but since he had placed it at an ambiguously close distance, his eyes couldn’t help but wander to it. In the end, I let out a sigh and stopped the hand holding the pen again.

“…Daegun. Your phone.”

“Ah, yessir.”

“If you keep losing focus, I’m going to… make it so you can’t bring your phone at all.”

“Ah, I said I got it! Just stop.”

Daegun’s annoyed voice echoed in the room. The moment the not-yet-matured voice, which hadn’t gone through puberty, burst out loudly, both Daegun and I couldn’t help but be startled.

“…….”

“…….”

Daegun was usually quite mindful of his mother, who was quite strict, and when his mother was home, they would conduct the lesson with the door somewhat open, so he was unknowingly very conscious of her. Still, as befitting a middle school student, he would usually grumble half-jokingly, but this was the first time he had talked back so severely.

Is he acting like this because his mother isn’t here and it’s just the two of us? Or was the problem my shabby appearance, wearing socks with holes in them? Or was it because I, who stutters, seemed like a pushover, and easy to deal with….

Sigh, a sigh escaped. My head started to ache with a throbbing pain. I pressed my temples firmly and stopped the delusion that was trying to stretch out by leaps and bounds. It’s no good to let these kinds of thoughts about a kid, and my student at that, drag on.

However, Daegun must have thought I was angry. Seeing me with my eyes closed tightly, he said in a somewhat subdued voice.

“…Teacher.”

“Yes.”

“Um… ahem. I’m sorry.”

Although the words ‘I’m sorry’ were almost mumbled past, he was clearly hesitating and watching my reaction.

“So….”

“…….”

“Um… if you don’t tell my mom….”

With another sigh, I nodded my head. It wasn’t like this kid’s behavior was habitual, and he probably did it without realizing it, so I had no intention of tattling on him. Still, I had to give him a proper warning.

“Alright. …Instead, let’s make sure this kind of thing doesn’t… happen again.”

“Yessir. Sorry.”

It was an apology that sounded insincere at first listen. But this kid’s feelings were conveyed well enough in his own way, so I decided to just let it go. I didn’t have the energy to say anything more.

However, I couldn’t help the sighs that kept bursting out in succession. I don’t know why my daily life is so overwhelmingly difficult today. I’m running around without even eating properly, and a tutoring student who is much younger than me is talking back to me.

‘…Haaa.’

Still, there was one thing left that held my heart firmly so it wouldn’t crumble down. Jihyuk is probably here waiting for me right now. Thinking that, my gloomy, wilting heart seemed to slowly bloom again. My heart, which had been pounding faintly for a little while now, started to beat with increasing intensity as the clock approached nine.

“…That’s all for today. Do your homework well.”

“Okayyy.”

I finished the class right on time and hurriedly packed my things. My stomach kept letting out rumbling sounds, and for some reason, the hole in my sock had gotten even bigger while I was sitting and tutoring. I was a mess in many ways.

After finishing the tutoring, I let out a small sigh as I heard the sound of Daegun’s front door closing behind me. I just really wanted to finish this exhausting schedule and spend some time in comfort.

I quickened my pace. I hoped the elevator would reach the first floor quickly. However, the moment I came out of the communal entrance, almost running, with a ding sound, I had no choice but to stop dead in my tracks.

Jihyuk’s car wasn’t there.

Jihyuk was the type who would always come and wait for me earlier than the appointed time whenever he said he would pick me up. Sometimes he would wait with his hazard lights on in a spot where I could see him well, and if there was no good place to park, he would park his car over there and come and stand right in front. So we had never missed each other.

But for some reason, I couldn’t see Jihyuk today. Neither the sedan I always saw, nor the bike he sometimes came and waited on, was there.

“…….”

The energy drained out of my body on its own. I clenched my fists tightly, then slowly released them. I felt like a child who had stood in a long line to receive something like candy, only to have it cut off right in front of them. The emotion I was feeling right now was definitely a sense of emptiness.

And in the next moment, I found myself to be ridiculous. Is Jihyuk my chauffeur or something, does he have to be here to pick me up right when my tutoring ends? We made a promise, but he could have been unable to come because of an urgent matter, or he could be a little late.

Still, I thought I should at least contact him, in case he was on his way. I put my hand in my pocket to take out my phone, and then I heard an engine sound from over there. My head turned on its own.

In that moment, my eyes widened and my mouth fell slightly open without me realizing it. Screeeech, the car came to an abrupt stop with a loud noise. The car flashing its headlights in front of me was definitely Jihyuk’s car. With a clank sound, Jihyuk got out, closing the driver’s door forcefully.

“You waited. Sorry. Something came up.”

“…Uh uh, no. I just… came out too.”

Jihyuk, who had come right up to me in a single breath, grinned and placed a hand on my shoulder.

“Happy birthday, really.”

I nodded my head with a face that was starting to flush for no reason. Even so, my gaze was fixed on his appearance, which was different from usual. Had he been to some special place? Jihyuk, wearing a white shirt on top and dress slacks on the bottom, was quite different from when he was wearing his usual casual wear or tracksuit.

His hair, which he usually wore down comfortably, was neatly styled with wax today. His forehead, which was coolly exposed, made his face, with its distinct and strong features, stand out even more than usual. Had he been to his father’s company? He usually dressed up when he went to his father’s company. Yes, he must have been late because of that.

Jihyuk, who had walked up to me with steady steps, reached out his hand as if by habit to stroke my head, but then lowered his hand. It was a point Jihyuk had been consistently observing ever since I had asked him not to make contact near my tutoring student’s house once.

“Get in, for now. Did you have dinner?”

“I, haven’t…. You?”

“Of course I haven’t eaten either. It’s obvious you’ve been running around without even eating properly, teacher.”

Jihyuk, who grinned, gestured towards the car with a light jerk of his chin. Following him, I got into the passenger seat, and Jihyuk, who had sat in the driver’s seat, gently stepped on the accelerator and started the car. It was a completely different way of driving from when he had entered the apartment parking lot roughly and hastily a little while ago.

I sighed and leaned my head against the headrest. A sense of stability and comfort finally washed over me. Jihyuk’s strong body scent that I always smell. The familiar feeling of the passenger seat from having ridden in it many times. Why were these things so welcoming today of all days.

I was so grateful to Jihyuk for coming to pick me up. The emptiness I had felt a moment ago when Jihyuk wasn’t there suddenly came back to life strongly in my heart.

‘…I’m really….’

I shouldn’t get so used to Jihyuk waiting for me at the end of a hard day. I chuckled and rubbed my tired eyes with the palm of my hand.

“By the way, where… are we going?”

I asked, looking at the side profile of Jihyuk, who was holding the steering wheel with one hand and fiddling with my hand with the other as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Jihyuk, who was fidgeting, playfully pinching and rubbing the back of my hand, glanced over at me.

“Where do you want to go?”

“I….”

At that moment, my inconsiderate stomach churned loudly once again. The fire that had flared up on my earlobes at Daegun’s house earlier was reignited. The difference between Daegun, who had giggled, and Jihyuk was that Jihyuk laughed more openly, guffawing.

When I glared at him with my heated eyes, Jihyuk laughed even louder. And yet, he reached out his hand and gently stroked my stomach as if I were adorable. My body flinched the moment the large, hot palm touched my stomach. However, the hand that had stroked my stomach a couple of times pulled away cleanly as if it had no other intention.

“Are you starving to death?”

“…Yeah…. I’d like to, go eat… dinner.”

“Of course. Let’s go eat something delicious. Somewhere with a nice atmosphere.”

Is there a restaurant with a nice atmosphere that’s open at this hour? At best, it would be a bar or a fast-food restaurant. However, seeing as Jihyuk was speaking in a relaxed tone, it seemed he had a place in mind.

My eyes suddenly went to the large cake box placed in the back seat. Seeing the two boxes placed side by side, the corners of my mouth subconsciously pulled up into a slight smile.

I didn’t know why there were two, but I was very happy anyway. He really, bought a cake to give to me. The cake I would receive at the end of a day that was more exhausting than usual, even though it was my birthday, made me look forward to it and I was so grateful to Jihyuk that I kept smiling slyly.

The car stopped soon. The place where Jihyuk had parked the car was a small, high-end Japanese restaurant.

“You said you liked sushi last time.”

“…Ah, yeah.”

In fact, before I met Jihyuk, I had never eaten sushi with my own money. Jihyuk would buy a variety of delicious foods when he came to my house, and I must have said in admiration how delicious it was when I tried it then, and he still remembered it.

The inside of the restaurant was stylish and cozy. When I saw it from the outside, it looked so small I wondered how many tables it could have, but when I actually went inside, it was wider than I had thought. I let out an exclamation of admiration inside as I looked around the restaurant, which was beautifully lit by indirect lighting of a suitable intensity. This is the first time in my life I’ve been to such a luxurious place. But why is there no one here?

“Have a seat.”

“Mm-hm.”

The chef who was standing inside the kitchen came out and bowed his head. To him, who was smiling and wishing me a happy birthday, I inadvertently bowed deeply in return. As I sat at the counter seat as Jihyuk led me, a wet towel was brought out first. I whispered in a voice loud enough for only Jihyuk to hear.

“But why… are we the only ones, here?”

“It’s such a late hour. It’s originally their closing time, but I made a reservation so only we could use it.”

Jihyuk’s scale always exceeds my imagination. As I silently wiped my hands and soothed my stomach with warm tea, steamed egg with seaweed fulvescens and pickled vegetables were served in succession.

“Eat a lot.”

“Mm-hm…. Thank you.”

My empty stomach from the whole day was warmly soothed by the appetizer. Soon, delicious and fresh-looking sushi came out little by little. While I was picking them up and eating them one by one, Jihyuk’s hands took care of me in succession and skillfully. He fills my cup so the warm tea doesn’t run out, and if there’s a dish I’m enjoying, he subtly picks up his own with his chopsticks and places it in front of me.

Jihyuk’s consideration, which leads me like this at times, is so skillful and natural, unlike that of a boy several years younger than me, that I find myself relying on Jihyuk a little at a time without realizing it.

Jihyuk often smiled as he watched me eat all the food that came out without leaving any behind. Come to think of it, Jihyuk has always liked seeing me eat. Even when we were living together, he would show his displeasure if I left food behind, and would praise me if I ate it all.

“Did you eat your fill? You’re eating well.”

“Yeah…. It’s so, delicious. …Thank you.”

As I nodded my head eagerly without sparing my expression, the smile on Jihyuk’s face deepened even more.

“And, this.”

It was when I was drinking tea, finishing my meal. Jihyuk took out the cake box he had brought in from the car earlier and handed it to me. It was so heavy, I had never seen such a heavy cake before. The packaging, too, was very luxurious even to my untrained eye.

“Wow…. Thank you. I’m just… receiving things.”

“It’s your birthday, so of course you should only receive things. Have a taste now.”

With his permission, I carefully opened the box and took out the cake. As I was about to exclaim at the sight of the large, white cake, I held my breath for a fleeting moment.

The cake was covered with peaches. Neatly sliced peaches filled the top of the cake, and it was even decorated with gold leaf sprinkled on top.

“…….”

However, despite receiving such a beautiful cake, the emotion that came a fleeting moment before gratitude was bewilderment.