NANOM Ch 38

I looked in the mirror once, and then looked again. The only thing different from usual was that I had put on a little bit of hair wax, but to my eyes, it just looked endlessly awkward. Should I just wash my hair again right now? I hesitated for a moment, but there was no time for that. Hoping it would look as natural as possible, I smoothed my hair down one last time with a quick pat.

My outfit was the same story. I felt a bit awkward meeting him in the same clothes I always wear, so I took out the clothes Jihyuk bought for me a while ago…. Maybe it was because I knew the price of these clothes, but while it was true that they were objectively much prettier than what I usually wore, it also felt like I had secretly put on someone else’s clothes.

Just then, a gentle voice laced with amusement came from behind me. It was my mother, who was standing in the kitchen.

“Myyy, Jeonghyun… are you going… on a date?”

It hadn’t been long since I brought my mother home after she was finally discharged from the hospital. Her speech was still very slurred, but for me, who had listened intently with all my might from the moment she started speaking again, there was no problem understanding her.

I was usually the one who spoke slowly and clearly for my mother’s sake, but today was different. Flustered, I looked at my mother and waved my hands frantically.

“N-no. What do you mean, a date… It’s nothing like that.”

“Whyyy. My, Jeonghyun is… handsome and kind, it’s about time… he got a girlfriend.”

“M-mother. I’m running late… I have to go now!”

In my panic, I rushed out of the house as if I were running away. After giving a quick bow of my head to my mother who was waving at my back, I hurried toward the park with quick, short steps. Since I started living with my mother, Jihyuk no longer waits for me thoughtlessly in front of my house or shows up without notice. It was because I had asked him to. Instead, he would come to the park near my house.
A date. Mother, really….

My earlobes turned red for no reason over such a trivial comment. A date, it was nothing so grand at all. It was just that Jihyuk said he wanted to study together, so we were going to study together. At most, we would probably just go to a library or a café.

Jihyuk had succeeded in reenrolling for this fall semester. Since he had dropped out during the first semester of his first year a few years ago, he was starting all over again from the beginning. It seemed like the road ahead would be daunting to start over, but Jihyuk was just happy that he could finally go to school with me. It was now the second week since the semester had begun.

I would probably spend the whole day studying with Jihyuk, then maybe have dinner and part ways. That was all there was to do today. It was the kind of thing I often did with Woojae, too. But for my mother to say something like that… did I give off some kind of different vibe?

I unconsciously lifted my phone and used the dark, turned-off screen to check if my bangs were weird, then gnawed on my lip and dropped my arm. Well, it looked quite awkward and unnatural even to me, so it must have seemed even more so to my mother. And the clothes, which I had taken out with great deliberation after not wearing them for a long time.

What if it looks awkward to Jihyuk, too? Will he tease me a lot? Maybe I should have just come as I usually do. A faint wave of regret washed over me. Just then, a familiar figure came into view in the distance.

“Teacher.”

A low, wonderful voice. His eyes, full of mischief, gaze at me and curve beautifully. Since it’s harder to maintain a calm composure in front of him, I often end up giving a blunt, half-hearted reply like, “…Yeah.”

Lightly worn jeans with casually exposed ankles and dazzlingly white sneakers. A simple black knit sweater with no pattern at all and a watch on his wrist; looking at Jihyuk’s attire, which always looked stylish and trendy even without seeming like he put in much effort, made me feel even more distressed.

Did I do this for nothing? The moment I stealthily raised my hand to discreetly cover my bangs, my wrist was grabbed.

“…W-why.”

“Teacher.”

Whoosh, a strong yet familiar scent came closer.

“Which bastard are you trying to seduce, dressing up so pretty?”

Even though the tone was roguish, it had a sweet texture, which made my heart flutter in an instant. It wasn’t an unpleasant agitation. I was gradually getting used to this feeling that gripped and shook me several times a day whenever I met Jihyuk.

“It’s not, like that. …Do my bangs look weird?”

“Weird? Who said that?”

“N-nobody did. It’s just that, to me, it looks a bit… awkward.”

“It’s not awkward. It’s pretty.”

In an instant, Jihyuk, who had keenly surveyed our surroundings with his eyes, tugged hard on the wrist he was holding. I was helplessly pulled forward, and as I saw Jihyuk plant a kiss on my face with a peck sound, I reflexively and forcefully shook off his hand.

“A-are you crazy? What if… someone sees.”

“Then who told you to come looking so pretty? You dressed up to look good for me, didn’t you? Cute.”

“…Haaa…. Let’s get in quickly.”

Jihyuk, smiling with a sly face, seemed completely unconcerned about me shaking him off. Having no choice, I gave up on talking in such an open place and led him to the car.

From the passenger seat next to Jihyuk, who started driving skillfully, I watched the scenery outside as it flew by. But the route was a little different from the one we always take. I tore my gaze from the view outside the window and turned it to Jihyuk.

“Are we going to the school library?”

“Why would we go to school on a Saturday? It’s annoying as hell to just sit there and watch you among a swarm of guys.”

I cast a dumbfounded look at Jihyuk, who turned the steering wheel while speaking in an indifferent voice.

“Then, where… are we going?”

My voice was a little stiff with tension as I said that. Noticing it, Jihyuk let out a small laugh from beside me.

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to eat you up.”

“…….”

“We’re going to study as promised, so relax your shoulders.”

I thought about retorting that it wasn’t really like that, but I decided against it, thinking I would look pathetic. Jihyuk was a person who could read even the slightest tremor in my voice anyway.

It probably didn’t even take two minutes by car. The car entered the underground parking garage of a certain building. It seemed to be a newly built studio apartment, but why on earth did we come here? The elevator I took with Jihyuk shot upwards and then stopped on the 10th floor. Similar-looking doors lined a long, neat hallway. Despite the length of the hallway, there was no sign of anyone.

Walking side-by-side with the fast-walking Jihyuk, I asked in a whisper.

“Where is this place?”

“It’s a new studio apartment I got.”

Jihyuk answered casually and stopped in front of unit 1017. The numbers his long fingertips pressed were very familiar. 0823. Jihyuk, who had unlocked the door by entering my birthday as if it were the most natural thing, smiled at me.

“Come on in.”

To be honest, it was true that I hesitated for a fleeting moment. Since reuniting with Jihyuk, he had been the one to consistently seek me out; I had never set foot in Jihyuk’s space. We had both naturally remained silent about the studio apartment where we had lived together for several months.

However, after taking a short, deep breath, I slowly stepped into Jihyuk’s space. For several months, Jihyuk had endlessly repeated actions like stroking my hair or touching my face, but he had never once given off a sexual vibe. …So it should be okay.
One step, two steps. A refreshing and crisp scent filled the air with every step I took into the place. The interior of the vast, empty studio apartment had no sense of being lived in at all, and instead had a strong office-like feel. It seemed to be used strictly for work. Seeing a bookshelf with a few major textbooks on it and a laptop with its charger plugged in, I could tell that Jihyuk had been using this place until recently.

But the peculiar thing was that two large desks had been placed side by side, filling one entire wall. Just like the desks, there were two bookshelves, two desk lamps, two chairs, and two laptops. It was a space for two people, for anyone to see.

“You… study here?”

I cast a dumbfounded gaze at Jihyuk. Honestly, I had no idea Jihyuk had a space so close to my home. He let out a small laugh and plopped down onto a desk chair.

“I got it when the semester started.”

“…This place? Why?”

“Like I said earlier, I don’t want to have you sitting in a place swarming with kids.”

While still seated, he gestured with his eyes toward the bag I was wearing and held out his hand, so I reflexively took off the bag and handed it to him. He took my bag, which was full of heavy major textbooks, and placed it under the desk next to his. Then, with a glance, he pointed to the one remaining empty chair beside him.

“You can study here comfortably without having to go all the way to school, and…”

“…….”

“I like it because I can study here and go see you more often. That’s why.”

I stood there with a stunned expression, not even thinking of sitting in the chair. No matter how many times I mulled over Jihyuk’s words, what I understood was that he had gotten this new studio apartment because of me.

No. That’s a bit, too much of a stretch. I tried to quickly prune the branching thought, but Jihyuk hammered in the final nail.

“To be honest, I got it so you could use it comfortably. You take the subway to school every day to study. You said no even when I offered to buy you a car.”

“…….”

“So don’t overexert yourself, just do it here.”

He spoke so casually, his tone so light, as if he had bought me something like a notebook. I was so dumbfounded that my lips began to tremble on their own.

“T-that’s absurd. This is… too much, it’s burdensome.”

“I told you earlier. I’m going to use it too, you know?”

Jihyuk always gave things to me generously, but he hated it when I showed any sign of feeling burdened. It was the same now. Jihyuk, who had blocked my argument with a single sentence, once again languidly gestured with his eyes to the empty chair beside him.

“Aren’t you going to study? You said you had a lot to do.”

In the end, I gave up and sat down for the time being. It was impossible to get through to Jihyuk when he acted like this. Since it had come to this, I figured I should just finish all my studying first and then try to talk to him again on the way out later. As Jihyuk said, I had too much to do.
I carefully approached the desk right next to Jihyuk’s and sat down in the chair. The moment I sat, the chair was so comfortable that a sound of admiration almost escaped me. I barely managed to suppress the gasp, but I must not have been able to hide my slight excitement. Jihyuk let out a small laugh.

“Is it comfortable? I hope you like it.”

“Really, you. This is too burden….”

“If you’re going to say boring things like that, just study.”

Shot down again. Jihyuk even seemed slightly sulky. It was absurd, but I silently took out the books and materials for studying from my bag. The moment I unzipped my pencil case with a zip sound and took out a pen, whoosh, he snatched it from my hand and placed his own pen in mine.

“Use this one. Give that one to me.”

“…F…ine.”

I had no idea why Jihyuk was acting like this, but…. this was an action he had repeated several times before when we studied together.

Thanks to that, all the cheap pens that filled my pencil case had been replaced with expensive writing instruments from Jihyuk that I had never even used before. Conversely, Jihyuk’s pencil case was now filled with my pens. I couldn’t understand why on earth he did it, but his face always looked quite satisfied whenever this happened, so I just let it be.

Soon, the room fell silent. Only the occasional sound of pages turning and a pen scratching against paper tickled my ears. In this optimal environment, my concentration was unleashed with frightening intensity.

To be honest, it was true that this place was more comfortable than going all the way to the library, just as Jihyuk had said. At the school library, you also needed a bit of luck on any given day. When there were many students sharing the space, there were inevitably that many more distractions. There were sometimes kids who would restlessly shake their legs or stand up once every ten minutes.

Also, since it was some distance from my house, I would use up a certain amount of energy riding the subway there. However, in my situation, the school library was the best option, so I had no choice but to go there consistently.

But this place, so close to my home. At this distance, I could easily walk here. Moreover, the temperature and humidity, the height and size of the desk, and even the comfort of the chair were perfect. I had never paid attention to such things before, nor was I in a situation to, but now that the very best things were provided, all I could do was marvel.

Thanks to that, in the one hour since I entered this place, I was able to go through the entire chapter that I had originally planned to spend about two hours on. Efficiency is a scary thing, I thought. Realizing this anew, I put down my pen for a moment and stretched. Just then, Jihyuk called me from beside me.

“Teacher.”

“Hmm?”

“What was this again? Please take a look just once.”

“…Is this that one? The elective.”

“Yes.”

I really cannot understand Jihyuk. Who in the world takes a class like basic physics as an elective? And it wasn’t even the same class that I was taking.

Why on earth are you taking this? For an elective, why don’t you just take something a little lighter like the other kids? I had cautiously advised him when Jihyuk was first planning his schedule, but the only response I got back was a cheesy answer that I couldn’t comprehend. Something about wanting to increase his points of contact with me, even by a little….

“…Let me see. Let’s look at it together first.”

Jihyuk grinned and pulled his chair closer to my side. However, the problem Jihyuk presented was, befitting an elective course, on a similar level to what was taught in high school. There was no way he couldn’t solve it with his skills. The desire to help him naturally fizzled out.

“You… can solve this, can’t you?”

“I don’t remember.”

I stared at him, dumbfounded by his utterly shameless answer, but Jihyuk just pointed at the printout with a sly glance. I was speechless at his arrogant attitude, which was as if he was telling me to hurry up and teach him, but I soon began reading the problem.

“Ahem, hmm…. First of all…. look here. If the spacing of the electric field lines is narrow, the electric field is strong, and if it’s wide, it’s weak.”

The tip of the ballpoint pen, with the nib retracted, pointed at the problem Jihyuk had marked and drew lines across it.

“If it’s uniform… the electric field is also, uniform. In other words, the number of electric field lines passing through a plane perpendicular to the electric field lines… per unit area, is proportional to the magnitude of the electric field in that region…. Why, why are you looking at me like that again.”

I couldn’t help but stop my mouth from reading the problem. Jihyuk’s gaze, directed at me, was overly blatant and hot. It was a temperature that made my earlobes flush just by meeting his eyes.

“Because you’re so damn sexy.”

Along with the sweet voice, his outstretched fingertips lightly tickled my earlobe with a flick. Gasp, my breath caught in my throat. Simultaneously, Jihyuk’s smile deepened.

“…is what I’d say, but if I tell the truth, you’ll probably run away.”

“…….”

“Hmm. Because I don’t really understand the problem. I’ll say that. That way, you’ll keep going on dates with me.”

Jihyuk’s attitude as he said that was perfectly ordinary, unlike mine, which was flustered. In the end, with my face flushed red all the way to my neck, I had no choice but to put down the pen as if I were throwing it.

“I, I’m not doing it.”

“Are you sulking?”

“…Stop teasing me.”

It felt like steam was pouring out of my ears. My burning hot face didn’t seem like it would cool down at all. What kind of sudden disaster was this when I was studying so peacefully?

“Hurry up… and do it.”

“I don’t want to. I want to keep teasing you, though?”

“Hurry. After we finish everything, we have to… go eat.”

Only after hearing my placating words did he stop teasing me. I looked at Jihyuk, who had meekly moved his chair back to its original spot, and lowered my gaze back to the book.

Strangely, it felt like my heart was beating in my ears. Thump-thump, even my chest churned in time with the pounding. It was a phenomenon I often experienced lately when spending time with Jihyuk. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to shake off the thoughts.

No. I have to get a grip and study.

I steeled my resolve and put strength back into my eyes. But for the life of me, I had no idea why Jihyuk’s smiling face, the one that was teasingly grinning at me just a moment ago, wouldn’t leave my sight.

📖

The place we headed to after finishing our studies was a Korean set-menu restaurant. It was the result of my answer yesterday evening when Jihyuk asked what I wanted to eat and I had just said anything, Korean food.

The restaurant Jihyuk brought me to was a place that looked like a very large traditional Korean house. It was a place whose scale was far beyond my expectations, so I was a bit taken aback. At most, I had been thinking of something like a simple set meal…. But now that I thought about it, except for the days I said I was paying, Jihyuk had never taken me to a place like that.

As I sat in the room the staff guided us to, the food came out even though we hadn’t ordered, as if he had made a reservation in advance. Looking at the side dishes that filled the entire table, I stared at the spread for a moment, lost in thought. There had to be over thirty side dishes.

“Eat a lot.”

“Mm-hm. But for places like this that are burdensome… it would be nice if you could refrain from them next time.”

The corners of his mouth, which had been smiling, froze just like that. One eyebrow rose slightly. It was just that, but his expression was so fierce it even felt murderous.

“Does it taste good?”

My words were ignored as if they had never been said in the first place. Hearing his gentle voice with its upward inflection, I could tell that Jihyuk was in a considerably foul mood.

I let out a small sigh. It seemed better to shut my mouth at this point rather than nag any further. Only when I quietly picked up my chopsticks did Jihyuk’s expression soften a little.

Anyway, would I even be able to eat all of this? For some reason, it was a table that made me feel like I had to approach the meal combatively. First, I carefully picked up the seasoned vegetables in front of me and put them in my mouth. Then, right away, Jihyuk’s chopsticks approached and placed a piece of meat on my rice bowl.

“Thank you. I’ll… enjoy the meal.”

At just that ordinary word of thanks, Jihyuk’s face bloomed back to its usual expression.

“Pretty. You should have said that from the start.”

“…….”

“Only speak like that from now on.”

Looking at Jihyuk’s satisfied expression, I sighed inwardly. The space he created for me earlier, and this meal too. Jihyuk is always genuinely pleased as he presents me with things so big they are overwhelming.

But from my perspective, it was also true that it was difficult to just accept everything so readily. But whenever I showed any sign of that, Jihyuk hated it very much. On the other hand, if I said thank you, that I would use it well, he would be happy like he was now.

When would we ever be able to close this gap? The positions of Jihyuk and I, drawing a parallel line that showed little sign of ever meeting.

“Try this too. This one too. You like this, don’t you?”

“Yeah…. You eat a lot too.”

As we continued our meal, exchanging trivial stories and answering Jihyuk’s questions about school life, I suddenly realized one fact. That eating with Jihyuk wasn’t as uncomfortable or awkward as it used to be.

It wasn’t just meals. It was the same when we went to school together, drank coffee, studied, and talked. If before, my chest churned with fear and anxiety about him, now, waves of a different nature were crashing in and shaking my heart.

“You’re pretty because you ate well. Did the food here suit your palate?”

“Mm-hm…. It was really delicious. I ate well. …Thank you.”

Jihyuk always asks that after we finish a meal. Because it had been a very plentiful meal, I offered my sincere thanks to Jihyuk. However, there was something that had been weighing on my mind throughout the meal. Looking at the well-prepared table, I naturally thought of my mother at home. I also thought of Jeonghee, who probably ate things like triangle kimbap every day because of his part-time job.

I have to get a job at a good company and hurry up and make a lot of money. So I can buy my family delicious things like this, and… I should also repay Jihyuk… for treating me to such good food. The entire meal was spent thinking such thoughts.

“I really enjoyed the meal. Next time… I’ll pay.”

I mumbled toward Jihyuk, who was walking toward the car after paying. A small laugh came back, but it didn’t seem to be mocking or looking down on me.

“Okay. Then buy me that.”

“What is it? Just name it.”

“That Korean beef something-or-other hamburger set.”

“…Will that be enough? You should eat something more delicious.”

He treats me to such a feast, and all he wants from me is a measly hamburger. I asked with a displeased expression, but Jihyuk calmly nodded his head.

“That will be enough.”

“…Alright. I’ll buy you… as many as you want.”

He probably mentioned that menu out of consideration for me. That kid, who is a picky eater to begin with, strangely eats things like that well. Hamburgers, or spicy rice cakes, and the instant noodles I make for him. Of course, I only ever see him eat when I’m buying, so I don’t really know about other times.

By the time we came out after eating, the sun was already setting. The days had certainly gotten much shorter as fall arrived. As soon as I got in the car, Jihyuk asked, “Are you cold?” and I shook my head. While listening to the strange music Jihyuk had put on, the kind you’d hear in a gloomy club, I watched the scenery outside, and before I knew it, we were at the park near my house.

Jihyuk, who had parked the car, got out following me as I got out of the passenger seat, then took something out of the back seat and held it out to me. The elegantly packaged bag was quite heavy.

“What… is this?”

“Give one to your mother, and one to your younger brother. And you can eat one more later too.”

When I opened the bag a little, I saw that they were lunch boxes from the Korean set-menu restaurant we had just eaten at. Looking at the three stylishly and appetizingly packaged lunch boxes, a corner of my heart grew a little warm. I was so grateful to Jihyuk for reading my mind, as I had occasionally, no, perhaps more often than that, thought of my family while tasting the food.

There was never a time when his kindness wasn’t appreciated, but the feeling of being burdened always came first. Because I always thought it was too much for me. However, this time, gratitude overflowed first, before any of those other emotions that I should have rightly felt. That’s why I had no choice but to express my honest feelings without adding or subtracting anything.

“…Thank you. Really….”

At my thanks, Jihyuk grinned, his eyes crinkling. Just looking at his beautifully smiling face without saying anything made my heart feel a little full. I almost stroked Jihyuk’s hair, but I managed to hold back. It was because people strolling through the park on the cool autumn evening were passing by quite frequently.

Leaving some unspoken feelings in my heart, I regrettably tried to turn away. I was just about to say goodbye to Jihyuk when a familiar voice came from over there.

“…Oppa?”

“Je-Jeonghee?!”

Startled, I turned my head. From over there, Jeonghee was approaching me, his eyes wide with surprise as well.

“…Who?”

Jeonghee, who had closed the distance in an instant, looked back and forth between me and Jihyuk standing next to me. He whispered and demanded an explanation from me with his eyes, and I extended a hand towards him.

“Um… this is… my… younger brother, Jeonghee. And….”

I was about to introduce the two of them to each other, but I was at a loss for words for a moment in this completely unexpected situation. How should I introduce Jihyuk to Jeonghee? My brain stopped working for a moment. Just then, Jihyuk stepped forward from beside me and smiled brightly.

“Hello. Jeonghee noona. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Noona. Since Jeonghee is older, that title is appropriate, but it was still somehow shocking. A slight eye-smile bloomed on Jihyuk’s neat face. Jeonghee’s eyes widened as far as they could go, and his mouth fell open. Worried that Jihyuk might pull some kind of mischievous prank, I stepped forward and cut him off.

“Um, say hi. He’s… um… a… school junior I know.”

“Ah. Hello…?”

Only then did Jeonghee nod his head as if he understood. At that moment, Jihyuk’s smiling face froze for a short while. Then he quickly relaxed his expression and asked me.

“Just a school junior you know, sunbae-nim?”

“…….”

Even though he was clearly smiling, his chilly voice suddenly made my heart sink. Did I say something wrong? I blinked my eyes helplessly and looked up at him, and Jihyuk tilted his head crookedly and spat out.

“That’s disappointing. I thought we were really close.”

“Uh, no…. that’s.”

“Then this junior you know will be on his way?”

His twisted expression, coupled with the way he casually raised the end of his sentence to say goodbye, made it sound like he was being sarcastic to anyone who heard. I, who had been blankly watching Jihyuk get into his car, belatedly grabbed onto him.

“No, um…. Jihyuk. It’s just that.”

“I’m leaving. See you tomorrow.”

With those parting words, the car started off rather roughly. Jihyuk’s driving always became proportionally more reckless as his mood soured.

A sigh escaped me as I watched the rear of the car disappear into the distance. I kind of knew why he was upset, but…. then how should I have introduced him to Jeonghee?

Still, was just a junior I know… a bit too harsh?

Overcome with belated regret, I just scratched the back of my head for no reason. While I was doing that, Jeonghee at my side took the bag of lunch boxes from my hand and exclaimed how delicious they looked. The whole way home, walking side by side with Jeonghee, my mind was in a whirl with thoughts of Jihyuk.

📖

“Then that’s all for today’s class.”

The moment the professor put down the microphone, the lecture hall began to stir. I stretched out once, then hurriedly took out my phone.

Honestly, I had been worried after parting with Jihyuk like that yesterday. He had looked a little hurt when we parted at the park in front of my house, and I was wondering if he was still angry. There had been no particular contact from Jihyuk last night or this morning. But now, when I checked my phone, a text message had finally arrived from Jihyuk.

[My lecture is over. I’ll head over there.]

The corners of my mouth lifted slightly without me realizing. I also felt a sense of relief. Thankfully, he wasn’t that angry. Still, when I see him today, I’ll have to check if he was very hurt by what I said yesterday.

Jihyuk had been taking a lecture in a different building at the same time as me, and seeing that the text came 10 minutes ago, it seemed he had already left. [Okay. I’m done now too.] After sending a concise reply, I hurriedly packed my bag.

Since Jihyuk reenrolled, I no longer ate alone. It was because Jihyuk had arranged his lecture schedule to almost overlap with mine. Of course, since all the subjects were different, the only lecture we took together was ‘Understanding Western Culture.’ That, too, was a liberal arts course that we had managed to align with difficulty, due to Jihyuk’s strong insistence that we had to have at least one class together.

As a result of arranging it that way, our free periods were almost the same. During those times, we would eat together, go to the library, or relax at a café.

To be honest…. school life with Jihyuk felt completely different from before. In the past, school life itself was just an obligation that I had to do well at every day, and it was far from things like enjoyment or leisure. They were days I silently attended solely for the sake of my studies and grades.

But these days, while attending school with Jihyuk, I was feeling a sense of leisure that I couldn’t feel before. To the point where I thought, so this is what an enjoyable university life is like. Not that there was anything hugely special. It’s just that I attend lectures with Jihyuk, eat lunch, look around the campus, and go to the library. It was a truly ordinary daily life, but I just liked it all.
I want to see him quickly. I unconsciously thought that and was about to hasten my steps and walk out of the nearly empty lecture hall.

“Hey, Kim Jeonghyun! Or was it Choi Jeonghyun?”

Startled by the feeling of someone carelessly patting my shoulder, I turned around. A tall boy was smiling slickly. Wearing a cap, he grinned when our eyes met.

Ah, I think he’s a kid who took a leave of absence a long, long time ago. But what was his name? My brow furrowed on its own. Just as he couldn’t remember my name properly, the boy in front of me was also hazy in my memory. But it was a bit awkward to ask who he was outright, so I just smiled vaguely and offered a greeting first.

“…Uh…. Hi.”

“Hey, I’m glad I ran into you. Man, I came to school after a long time and it’s all faces I don’t know. I should have had at least one person I was close with.”

Seeing him speak so friendly, my first feeling was one of bewilderment. I still couldn’t quite remember this kid’s name. He was definitely a kid who took a leave of absence after the first semester of our first year. I think I heard a rumor that his personality was really bad. I think they said he took a leave of absence after getting into a huge fight with someone. He, who kept chattering on in an excited tone, was openly making a face that said he was glad to have met me.

“I wanted to eat, but I was embarrassed to eat alone. I can eat with you. You don’t have anyone to eat with right now either, right?”

“Ah, I… am supposed to eat with someone right now, what should I do.”

I offered my refusal with an awkward smile. We were already walking down the hallway together. I wanted to say goodbye to this kid around here and part ways. It was about time for Jihyuk to arrive.

However, this kid showed no signs of faltering even after hearing my words. Instead, he, who was walking with me in a friendly manner, even casually put his arm around my shoulder and continued to talk persistently.

“Ah, Choi Jeonghyun. I’m disappointed. I have no one to eat with but you. But weren’t you kind of a loner except for that Woojae kid? Let’s help each other out, we’re both loners.”

“It’s not Choi Jeonghyun, it’s Kim Jeonghyun. And I….”

“Well, it’s all the same. Ah, tell that kid you’ll eat with him tomorrow. Don’t be so uptight.”

Was he always this annoyingly rude? …I could feel my face, which had been responding with a forced smile, gradually hardening. I usually treated almost everyone in the same way, but in front of this kid, it was strangely difficult to maintain that composure. First, I wanted to get this kid’s arm off my neck.

“Or can’t you let me join you guys too? Is he in our department?”

“First, please let go of this hand….”

It was the moment I said that and tried to grab his wrist and pull it off. At the sight of the familiar figure in front of me, all my movements stopped on their own. My lips were automatically gnawed between my teeth. There was nothing good to come from showing such a scene to a kid who was already so jealous.

Jihyuk strode up to me in one go.

“Let go.”

He spat out lowly at the kid who still had his arm around my shoulder. It was a menacing tone, so much so that the single syllable made the pit of my stomach tingle. The surprised classmate froze with his arm still around my shoulder. Then, Jihyuk lightly grabbed the kid’s wrist and pulled it down. The classmate, who was led by Jihyuk like a helpless doll and lowered his hand, still remained speechless, just blinking his eyes.

“What’s this now?”

Jihyuk, who gestured towards him with a delinquent-like flick of his eyes, was clearly twisted up inside. My heart pounded anxiously at the intimidating expression I hadn’t seen in so long.

“…Um, a, a classmate from my department.”

“You two don’t look very close. Do you really need to have your arms around each other like that?”

The corners of his mouth twisted coldly. His snake-like gaze pressed down on me for a moment before moving to the person standing next to me.

At that moment, a scene automatically came to mind. The memory of Jihyuk pinning down Woojae in front of the school gate a long time ago. And the things that happened after that…. The fear I had long forgotten knocked faintly on my chest, waking up nerves everywhere. I took a deep breath to control the anxiety that felt like it would overwhelm my whole body if I let my guard down for even a moment. My chest swelled up stuffily.

But soon, I clenched my fists and slowly let out the breath trapped in my chest. It’s okay. Whatever happened in the past, it’s all over now. This is just a process of detoxifying the lump that was deeply imprinted in my heart.

I believed in the affectionate times I had spent with Jihyuk until now. The belief that Jihyuk regretted the way he had treated me before, and that he would never abuse me harshly again. Knowing that, I am okay.

Just then, the classmate beside me, who had barely come to his senses, opened his mouth.

“Who… are you? What’s your student ID number? Seeing as you’re using honorifics with Choi Jeonghyun, you must be a junior, so why are you speaking informally?”

Please. Hearing the classmate’s voice, which sounded to anyone like he had squeezed out all his courage, I squeezed my eyes shut. Jihyuk sneered as if it was ridiculous.

“What are you going to do with my student ID number? If I’m your junior, what, are you going to beat me up?”

“…What?”

The classmate struggled to glare at Jihyuk, who was laughing as if he found it amusing, speaking in a blatantly mocking tone. Anyone could see that he was no match for Jihyuk, but I just hoped that there wouldn’t be any more commotion in such a crowded place.

I reached out with a trembling hand and grabbed Jihyuk’s arm. Then, I pulled him strongly and spoke as if pleading.

“…Please, I’m begging you. Let’s stop and go.”

His gaze, looking down at me silently, was suffocating. Goosebumps ran all over my body. The memories I had painstakingly put to sleep once again raced through my body, urging on my anxiety.

But once again, I shouted strongly at myself inwardly. No. Stop. That was just in the past. My relationship with Jihyuk now is different from back then. And what I need to do in this situation is not to recall the past, but to resolve this situation.

Jihyuk, who had been staring at me intently, shifted his gaze to the classmate. It was an overwhelmingly arrogant gaze.

“And, it’s not Choi Jeonghyun, it’s Kim Jeonghyun. You retard.”

“…What? Hey!”

It seemed like a real fight would break out if I left them alone any longer. So I hurriedly led Jihyuk away. Jihyuk, who had spat out the final mocking words, turned away obediently as I led him. But despite the clear insult, only a cry full of indignation erupted from behind; there was no sign of him following or bothering us further.

I grabbed Jihyuk’s arm and ran out of the building. It was only after we reached a secluded spot behind the building that I let go of his arm and looked up at him with a resentful gaze.

“Wh-what on earth… haa…. are you doing right now.”

I gasped for the breath that had risen to my chest and questioned Jihyuk.

“Why, did you suddenly appear and… to my classmate….”

“My classmate?”

Jihyuk tilted his head crookedly. A look of derision was evident on his face.

“Were you two so inseparable that you’d even take his side in front of me? I didn’t know that.”

“That’s… such a ridiculous stretch. Even so, what am I supposed to do if you curse at him like that?”

My heart was pounding as if it would explode. My words kept stuttering out. My clenched fists and the lips that were questioning him trembled.

I was questioning Jihyuk with all my might, but in truth, until just a moment ago, I had been struggling to break free from fear. It wasn’t because I was afraid of what harm Jihyuk might do to me. It was just that, for me, the very act of confronting Jihyuk was too overwhelming.

“You didn’t like that bastard touching you either, did you? Am I wrong?”

His downward gaze and his voice were as cold as could be.

“Or, was I being a fucking dick for suddenly showing up while you two were having a good time?”

“Haa…. that’s not it. Really, are you going to be like this? We can’t… be like this every day. Am I… going to have you show up and curse at people every time I talk to other kids?”

The fear that had arisen because of Jihyuk had been pushed far back. At his endless sarcasm, I too felt a surge of anger. But Jihyuk’s fierce momentum showed no signs of abating.

“You were making a face like you didn’t like it. You didn’t like that bastard clinging to you. It was obvious you weren’t even close, so what’s the problem with me shaking off a guy you didn’t like?”

“…What?”

“Should I be honest?”

He took a step closer with a frighteningly hardened face. Hearing his low, cold voice, I flinched without realizing it.

“I don’t like other bastards touching you. I don’t like them looking at you, and I don’t like them talking to you. Do you know that? Fuck, if I had my way, I’d make it so no one could ever see you.”

“…….”

“I just want to lock you up. Lock you up in my house like before, and make you look only at me.”

The tension that had been building up precariously finally overflowed. Hah, Jihyuk let out a rough breath and carelessly wiped his eyes with the palm of his dry hand.

“You’re mine, and just seeing those fucking bastards look at you makes me want to rip out their eyeballs….”

“…….”

“But fuck, if I say things like this… how disgusting must I look to you. After everything I went through to get you back.”

Jihyuk, who had spat out those words, turned his head sharply. A long sigh then escaped from him. It was a sigh that felt almost painful.

I am well aware of Jihyuk’s possessiveness and monopolistic desires, which are a little, no, exceptionally more prominent than others. Better than anyone else. I had experienced it firsthand for months.

I am not unaware of the desire that pools in Jihyuk’s eyes whenever he looks at me. He tried hard not to show it to me, but occasionally, no, quite frequently, Jihyuk would look at me with his old gaze. With a face that wanted to completely possess me down to the very bottom of my soul. With a very intense and dark gaze, as if he wanted to pierce through my skin and chew up even my bones without leaving anything behind.

So I was also well aware that Jihyuk, in his own way, was trying to hold back. And yet, I sometimes felt suffocated. Now that we were no longer in a relationship bound by a contract, nor in a completely subservient one, the frustration was even greater.

Even if Jihyuk didn’t act like this, I was already….

“…I, I don’t know why on earth you’re going this far. …Even if you don’t do this, there’s no problem between you and me.”

Where should I even begin to retrace our steps? I had no experience with this kind of fight, so I had no idea where to start or what to say. I took a step back from Jihyuk, who had approached me as if he would devour me, and faced him squarely.

“Why on earth are you going this far? Are we in a relationship where we should be doing this?”

The moment I spat that out, I thought, oops. My own eyes widened first. It was a statement that could easily be misunderstood, even though that was not my intention at all. Just as I was about to urgently correct myself, Jihyuk spoke first.

“Ha. You’re right. We’re not in that kind of relationship.”

“…Jihyuk. Wait a minute.”

“It was too much for just a junior you know to be throwing such a tantrum.”

Jihyuk’s sharp, sarcastic voice made me speechless for a moment. Could it be that he was bothered by what I said when I introduced him to Jeonghee yesterday? Honestly, I didn’t know that Jihyuk would be so hurt by those words.

First, clearing up the misunderstanding was the priority. Even to my own ears, what I just said sounded like I was dismissing the relationship between me and Jihyuk as nothing. But that’s not what I meant at all. I urgently parted my lips and was about to shake my head.

“Wait. When I said, are we in a relationship where we should be doing this….”

What I meant was, we are not in a relationship where we should be fighting over something like this. That even if you don’t get this jealous or angry… I have no intention of developing feelings for anyone other than you.

That’s what I tried to say. What I had to say. And yet, the words wouldn’t come out, as if my mouth was glued shut. I was afraid to show my overly honest, raw emotions to Jihyuk.

After everything I went through in the past, could I really like Jihyuk with pure feelings? The answer to that question had already emerged from within me. Without any guilt or anxiety, I decided to just let my feelings flow as they were.

However, thinking that to myself and expressing it to Jihyuk were worlds apart. It was something that required far more courage than I had thought.

“…….”

And, in my ensuing silence, Jihyuk was clearly hurt. Perhaps much more than I was vaguely aware of.

He just stood tall, looking down at me quietly. The person who had held complete dominance over my classmate just a moment ago was nowhere to be found; he just stared down at me quietly with deep eyes, like a bleeding animal.

After a long silence, Jihyuk spat out.

“I’m leaving.”

“…Jihyuk.”

I urgently called his name again, but Jihyuk turned his back in the end.

Watching Jihyuk’s broad back as he walked away, I realized. Come to think of it, Jihyuk hadn’t shown me his back in recent times.

And, the real reason why confronting Jihyuk was so difficult.

It wasn’t because of the fearful times in the past that I had suffered at his hands. It was because I was afraid of ruining the comfort and warmth that I had been building with Jihyuk until recently.

My feet moved a step or two on their own. Should I run up and grab him now? But my hesitant feet ended up stopping in place. Even if I did go, would I be able to properly convey my chaotic heart, which was like scattered puzzle pieces? It would be a relief if I didn’t stutter.

Jihyuk, who was moving away from me, clearly looked very hurt. He had never been the one to turn away from me first until now. But now, that Jihyuk was turning on his heel and leaving of his own accord. I only now realized that the shock of seeing that was not small for me either.

Why did I hurt Jihyuk over a classmate whose name I don’t even remember?

No. It was something we had to talk about at some point. We can’t live like this forever.

The two thoughts were still fighting within me. In the meantime, Jihyuk’s figure had completely disappeared. I felt stupid and frustrated with myself for just blankly watching and not being able to run and hold onto him. Sighs escaped me endlessly.

📖

“Hey hey, drink up drink up!”

“If you can’t chug it, you can’t be the top of the department! Aww, you hateful person!”

Laughter erupted here and there with chuckles. Several large beer mugs clinked in the air. On a deepening Friday night, I was currently at a pub near the school with seven or eight kids from my department, at Woojae’s suggestion.

The only reason I followed along to a drinking party, which I neither liked nor attended often, was purely to forget my worries.

My mind had been in a mess ever since I fought with Jihyuk two days ago. Jihyuk, who had come to see me almost every day since he started school, and who would at least call or message me consistently if that wasn’t possible, had cut off all contact. He seemed to be seriously angry.

Considering the depth of affection he showed me, or the degree of his obsession, I didn’t think our relationship would be severed over something like this. I just thought Jihyuk also needed time to calm down.

I would think about contacting him, but then the thought that I might make things worse by poking him would immediately follow. As I hesitated like that, contacting him would be delayed by an hour, then two, and then as I dealt with the tasks or studies in front of me, several hours would go by in a lump. And so, two days had passed.

Fortunately, it seemed that my schedule only overlapped with that classmate whose name I don’t even remember for that one class I took before. Since I hadn’t run into him again after that incident. But right now, that classmate was not on my mind at all. Honestly, I was going crazy with worry about Jihyuk every day.

‘…Should I… try contacting him on the weekend.’