NANOM Ch 39

It is not like I have ever dated anyone while holding these kinds of feelings. In a single day, I would pick up my phone dozens, hundreds of times, only to pointlessly reread the messages we had exchanged before. I would bravely compose a message, and then end up deleting it. I was a fool, plain and simple.

It was while I was suffering alone like that. As soon as the Friday afternoon lecture ended, Woojae, who was next to me, suggested with a grinning face.

“Hey Kim Jeonghyun. You don’t have tutoring today, right? Wanna grab a drink later?”

“…Today?”

“Yeah. At six. Hey man, I know you always ditch, but….”

“Okay. …I’ll go.”

“If you always ditch like that…. Huh? You’re coming? Whoa, what’s gotten into you? Kim Jeonghyun is coming to a department gathering. Hey guys! Kim Jeonghyun is coming too!”

When I am this troubled, it is better if I have something to do, like tutoring, or going home early to be with my mother. But as luck would have it, I did not have tutoring today, and starting every Friday evening, Jeonghee was scheduled to come from the dorm to be a companion for my mother over the weekend.

Spending time with my mother and Jeonghee would be nice too… but just for today, I wanted to chat with friends without a single thought in my head and blow away the distracting thoughts boiling inside me. That was how the gathering was hastily formed.

Suddenly, a soju bottle appeared before my eyes. A department classmate sitting across from me was already pouring alcohol into my empty glass with a mischievous expression.

“Whoa, whoa? Kim Jeonghyun? Why are you taking a break? Drink up.”

“Ah, wait…. I just had a drink.”

“Did you? I don’t know. Anyway, the glass has to be full.”

And since I was attending for the first time in a long while, I was drinking twice as fast as everyone else due to the pranks of my mischievous classmates. I looked at Woojae with pleading eyes, but for today, even Woojae just giggled and egged them on, offering me no help.

Still, the atmosphere was extremely good. It was enjoyable and comfortable the whole time, so I also could not refuse until the end and just drank whatever they gave me. As I sipped and sipped, at some point, drinking was no longer agonizing. The alcohol just went down smoothly as I drank.

“Hey, hey, isn’t Kim Jeonghyun drunk?”

“I think so. This guy is wasted.”

“Who killed our boy like this! You bastards!”

“…Hey, I’m… o-okay.”

I waved my hand dismissively, but my descending hand almost went into Woojae’s beer glass. My classmates giggled and cleared all the glasses in front of me.

Only after both my cheeks were flushed red and my tongue was slurring did my classmates stop tormenting me. For some reason, everyone except me was still perfectly fine.

While I barely managed to sit there and hold my spot with a dazed expression, the topic of conversation quickly shifted to classes, employment, and then to stories about our classmates. I could not keep up with the topics that were flowing by so quickly. My body gradually grew warm and started to go limp.

How long had I been sitting like that? I was now so sleepy I could not bear it anymore. I patted the thigh of Woojae, who was sitting next to me, and barely managed to speak while forcing up my constantly drooping eyelids.

“…Woo, Woojae.”

“Huuuh.”

“I… I think… I’m drunk….”

My words dragged on endlessly. Moreover, I did not know what to say after that. My head and my vision were spinning. Belatedly, Woojae, who was now looking at me with wide, worried eyes, and my classmates, who were still chattering excitedly amongst themselves, came into my blurry view.

I took two hot breaths in and out. Only then did the sentence I had been thinking about the whole time—no, maybe the one I had kept tightly buried for days—rise to the surface and form on my tongue.

“Jihyuk…”

It was a name that already made up an irretrievably large part of me, but trying to say Jihyuk’s name to someone else in a place where he was not present felt strangely awkward. For some reason, that made me even more sad.

“Huh? What? What about that bastard?”

Woojae’s eyes widened as he leaned toward me and asked again.

I miss you.

However, the words that should have followed would not come out. It seemed that even while drunk, I knew I must not utter those words to Woojae.

I just uttered Jihyuk’s name once and could not hold back any longer, burying my head in Woojae’s shoulder. Woojae’s voice telling me to get a grip as he lightly slapped my face and the voices of my classmates laughing in a great burst, saying Kim Jeonghyun was completely drunk, buzzed in my ears.

📖

Suddenly, my mind snapped to attention. At the same time, my eyelids opened.

I was originally the type to get drunk easily but also to sober up quickly. However, my body was still limp, regardless of my will.

My mouth was parched and my throat felt as dry as if it were on fire. Sprawled out like a doll, I was clearly lying on a soft bed. A ceiling I had seen a few times came into view, but it was not the scenery before me that told me where this place was. It was Jihyuk’s scent, hanging thickly in the surrounding air.

‘…This place is.’

I knew instinctively. This was the place where I lived with Jihyuk, the place that was once like a hell to me.

In that moment, the effects of the alcohol completely vanished. Thump, thump, anxiety from outside pounded on my chest, trespassing without permission. Why did Jihyuk bring me here? No, more importantly… when, where, and how on earth did I meet Jihyuk?

Where did my memory cut off? I rubbed my face with my dry palms and desperately tried to recall what had happened earlier.

‘I miss Jihyuk.’

The thought I had throughout the drinking party slowly came back to me belatedly. It seemed that with every shot of strong liquor I tipped down my throat, that thought had grown exponentially. In the end, I grabbed onto Woojae and… said Jihyuk’s name, but I probably did not go as far as to say I missed him.

Still, the fact that I had been thinking that throughout the entire drinking party could not be undone. I must be really crazy. I miss him? At a drinking party I went to in order to forget him, I was thinking about him the whole time? I was pressing on my throbbing head with my fingers.

“……!”

“Are you awake?”

The door opened softly, and Jihyuk entered the room. In his hands were comfortable indoor clothes, probably to give to me.

For a moment, our gazes tangled awkwardly in mid-air. It had been two, almost three days since we had last seen each other’s faces. However, Jihyuk sat down on the edge of the bed as if it were nothing.

“Are you feeling a little better?”

“…Yeah.”

My voice came out completely raspy. My vision was still a bit dizzy, but it was a relief, if it could be called that, that I was not unconscious like before.

“Don’t misunderstand why you’re here.”

A low voice echoed in the room.

“I called you after a while… and that bastard Lee Woojae answered. So I asked where you were, he said you were in front of the school, and that you were drunk now, so I went to pick you up right away. He even said you were looking for me.”

“……”

I was too ashamed to face him. After fighting like that a few days ago, to get hopelessly drunk and look for Jihyuk. My head drooped on its own. I nodded my head silently, my face beginning to flush hotly.

“At first, I was going to take you home, but you said you didn’t want to, sir. You said your sister and mother are both there today, and they’d be shocked if they saw you this drunk.”

“…I, I think that’s what… happened.”

“So I was going to go to a hotel, but you said you didn’t want a hotel, you just wanted to go to my place, so.”

Jihyuk also seemed uneasy about the fact that he had brought me to this place. With a short sigh, Jihyuk placed the indoor clothes he was holding down on the bed with an expressionless face.

“If you’re uncomfortable even now, just say so. A hotel, or your home. I’ll take you.”

“…What time is it?”

“It’s about one o’clock.”

“Haa…. No. You don’t have to.”

I shook my head firmly. I already felt sorry for making him come pick me up when I was dead drunk; I could not just order Jihyuk around for my own convenience at this point. I picked up the clothes Jihyuk offered and stammered out my thanks.

“Thank you… for coming to get me.”

“……”

“…Uh… Jihyuk…. You’re very angry, aren’t you?”

After a moment’s hesitation, I mustered up the courage to ask. He must be very angry. Because of what happened a few days ago, and everything. Jihyuk’s face, which I cautiously observed, was stiff as expected.

“How do I look?”

There was no emotion in the words he spat out.

“Huh? I’m asking you how I look in your eyes.”

“……”

“Should I tell you the truth?”

His cool and dry gaze held me without wavering. Is this what the gaze of an alligator looks like, lying in wait in a swamp with only its eyes showing? I involuntarily swallowed dryly.

“Right now, I’m so fucking pissed off I want to smash everything in sight. Among a bunch of guys, for fuck’s sake…. Getting drunk so defenselessly like that, and being held in another bastard’s arms.”

“……”

“I’m seriously, fuck, should I just lock you up? Huh?”

My lower stomach tightened at his menacing voice. I had nothing to say in response, so I just bit my lips. It was hard to find anything to say.

“If I had it my way, I’d stop you from going to drinking parties or any of that shit, but if I did that….”

Suddenly, Jihyuk’s face contorted into a slight frown and he swallowed his words. He let out a dry, raspy sigh and covered his face with one hand.

“You would hate me.”

“……”

“We are just going to fight again.”

Strictly speaking, there was no reason why I could not freely go out for drinks. However, that did not mean I could confront Jihyuk and ask what business it was of his. Even though we had never precisely named our relationship, considering the time Jihyuk and I had spent together and the feelings Jihyuk had shown me, I just could not do that.

Right now, Jihyuk was both furious and confused. And in his own way, he was fiercely conflicted, and also compromising with himself. The reason Jihyuk, who was accustomed to breaking others but completely unaccustomed to negotiating with anyone, was going to this extent was surely solely to coexist with me.

“…From now on.”

Jihyuk spat out with a fierce expression.

“Contact me in advance when you go drinking. If you do this again without my knowledge, I’m going to really break your ankle and lock you up.”

“…Okay.”

The brutal words did not sound like a joke at all. But I just nodded my head. Because I felt like I could vaguely understand how hard Jihyuk was struggling to suppress his temper right now.

“That aside. Are you okay?”

I blinked at Jihyuk, who had asked abruptly, with a face that showed I did not understand.

“…What is?”

“Coming here. I’m asking if you’re okay with it.”

Only then did I realize the intention of his question. After being still for a moment, I slowly nodded my head.

It was surprising even to me. To be sure, when I opened my eyes earlier, my heart had pounded and I had felt bad knowing I was in Jihyuk’s house. It was almost a conditioned reflex. A reaction that was bound to happen because my body remembered down to its bones the pain this place, thick with Jihyuk’s scent, had inflicted on me.

But strangely, the fear and discomfort vanished as if washed away the moment the door opened and I saw Jihyuk. The memories of the past that had bound me slowly evaporated before my very eyes.

Because the Jihyuk who exists before me now is the person who, despite fighting with me like that a few days ago, came to pick me up without a word of complaint, who is fiercely compromising with himself because he does not want to fight with me anymore even while being angry, and who said he would take me anywhere in case I was uncomfortable.

He was not the Jihyuk of the past who had trampled on my soul and body. He was the Jihyuk who was living in the present time with me, the one I had wanted to see so badly just a little while ago.

“Speak comfortably. I’ll take you anywhere.”

“No. I’m really… okay now. In that case, I’m sorry but I’ll impose on you… just for one day.”

I shook my head firmly once more. Then I held up the indoor clothes Jihyuk had brought. It was my way of saying that I was really okay, and that I would now change my clothes and rest here.

Jihyuk nodded and got up, turning his back to me. But the moment I saw Jihyuk’s back as he tried to move away from me, strangely, the anxiety that had overcome me earlier tried to creep back in. I felt that if Jihyuk left this space and I was left alone, I would become scared and afraid all over again.

No. Don’t go. I screamed that inwardly, and without realizing it, I shot up and grabbed Jihyuk’s wrist.

“……?”

“Jihyuk, …I’m sorry, but….”

Even to me, it was an absurd and shameless request. To be causing all this trouble, and then to make a request like this on top of it all…. But there was no other way. I was that desperate in that moment.

“…Can’t you… stay with me?”

“……”

“…If you leave…. It’s too….”

It feels like it will be hard. The words that should have followed could not bring themselves to come out towards Jihyuk, the owner of this house. But Jihyuk, who was quietly looking at me, surprisingly nodded his head readily.

“I understand.”

He seemed to have immediately understood the words I had not finished. It was funny and absurd even to myself to feel a sense of relief seeing Jihyuk agree, but right now, that was the undeniable truth. I just did not have the confidence to endure this space without Jihyuk.

I changed into the indoor clothes Jihyuk had given me and carefully lay down on one side of the bed. The bed was so large that there was more than enough room for two people to sleep. Jihyuk also saw me lie down and lay on the other side.

“I’m turning off the light.”

“…Uh huh.”

Click, and darkness fell upon the room. The outside light seeped in faintly through the blinds of the half open window, illuminating every detail of the silhouette lying next to me.

A sturdy body was lying on the same bed as me. It was a body I knew so well I could draw it with my eyes closed, but even those memories had become distant at some point. Jihyuk, who had once been thoroughly distant from me, had treated me with extreme caution in order to get close to me without using his body. That is why, except for when Jihyuk stroked my head and hugged me a few times, we had no occasion to touch.

Without my knowing, my gaze ran awkwardly, yet frantically, over Jihyuk’s face and body. Then, embarrassed at myself for doing so, I just squeezed my eyes shut. But then I thought it would be even more awkward to suddenly shut my eyes tight after having been blatantly making eye contact until now, so I opened them again. I did not know what I was doing, unable to even properly manage my own gaze.

Snicker, I saw Jihyuk’s smiling face.

“Why do you keep stealing glances? Am I making you self-conscious?”

“……”

At a loss for an answer, I just chewed on my lip. It felt like my neck was getting hot for no reason. Should I just turn my back to him? As I was thinking that, I heard Jihyuk’s voice continue.

“Behave yourself, Jeonghyun. Because I’m holding back a lot right now.”

At the same time, a hand as hot as fire approached and slowly caressed my face. For a moment, my breath stopped and my lower abdomen clenched tightly. The acts Jihyuk had done to me in the past were automatically brought to mind. But the feeling that followed was not fear… but something else.

The hand slowly stroked my jawline, then moved to my earlobe. As he remained like that, fondling the plump flesh for a moment, I heard him take a rough breath in. Soon after, Jihyuk let out a small laugh and withdrew his hand.

“Sleep comfortably. I’ll sleep on the floor.”

The guy who looked like he had never slept on the floor in his life carelessly dropped a blanket on the floor and got down. I hurriedly sat up and offered to sleep on the floor, but Jihyuk did not even pretend to listen. In the end, I awkwardly got back onto the bed and offered a small greeting.

“…Good, night.”

“Good night.”

The guy who had been asserting his presence right next to me had moved, so all I had to do now was sleep. It was already very late. Also, with Jihyuk in the same room, I was not anxious.

And yet.

Strangely, it felt as though all five of my senses were wide open. The silhouette I had traced with my eyes in the darkness just before seemed to have awakened a certain sensation that had been engraved in my body. Even though years had passed since the last time we had sex, the aphrodisiac-like pleasure that his thick, hard body had given me in the past still remained within my body.

The sound of a hand brushing against the blanket, the sound of him shifting slightly. My extremely sensitive hearing reacted acutely even to the small sounds rising in the darkness, raising my heart rate. The sound of our breathing, which could only be heard if one listened closely, felt unbearably stimulating.

However, the greatest stimulus was Jihyuk’s body scent, which penetrated my nose and burrowed into my mind. It was the scent of Jihyuk’s body that had been given to me like a gift whenever I suffered from extreme anxiety and nightmares, just as a baby finds satisfaction in smelling its mother’s milk. The same scent coming from all around, from the bedding, and from the man lying below, was enough to stir and heat up my insides.

Why am I being like this? Is it because I drank a lot? Every stimulus flowing in through my open senses felt excessively sensitive.

I rubbed my face, which was gradually starting to flush, hard with my hands. I felt like even my breathing would become ragged at this rate, so I inhaled through my nose and slowly exhaled through my mouth so it would not be obvious. Even so, the heated arousal showed no signs of subsiding. The heat of the warm hand that had brushed past my face just a moment ago remained on my cheek as if it had been stamped there.

I wish that hand would touch other places, too.

Suddenly having such a thought, I was startled. Unless I was crazy, how could I think such a thing with Jihyuk in the same room….

If I were to come to this place again. I thought I would be consumed by the fear that rushed in like a rapidly rising tide. I thought I would not be able to bear it. But what was rising, quite strangely, was nothing but a sensual excitement.

Jihyuk’s scent….

The self-loathing I felt for being this way and the pleasure that already enveloped my entire body mixed together dizzily. The pleasure, accompanied by guilt, tormented my body even more subtly and persistently.

‘I’m crazy….’

While biting my lip hard, I furtively pulled up the blanket, which was thoroughly soaked with his scent, and secretly brought it to my nose. When I carefully inhaled so as not to make a sound, a sense of arousal rose to the point where my whole body tingled.

I must have been living while forgetting it for too long. I barely even masturbated. It says it all that I cannot even remember how many months ago I last touched myself.

I rubbed my face roughly with my palm. This really is strange. No matter what, to be getting aroused just by Jihyuk’s scent in a place that is smeared with memories stained with sorrow is….

‘Haa….’

However, the instinct that was wrapping my body in a languid, low fever was stronger than I thought. Once the thought of wanting to do it arose, the impulse spread uncontrollably like a wildfire. It was not that I just wanted to have sex. The thought that I wanted Jihyuk, not anyone else, Jihyuk who had injected this pleasure into my body, to touch me, drove me to the point of wanting to cry.

In the end, I surrendered. Without realizing it, my hand delved under the covers. My erection was already aching as if it would burst. I bit my lip with all my might to keep a hot breath from escaping.

I want to touch it. I want Jihyuk to touch me…. It was when I did not know what to do with the sexual desire that was surging to the point of tears.
A soft voice pierced my ear.

“Jeonghyun. Did my scent put you in heat?”

In that moment, everything stopped. My hand that was unconsciously making its way toward my center, and the hot breath I was desperately swallowing in my throat.

While I was completely frozen, a large shadow slowly rose from the floor. Standing by the bedside, he looked much larger and more threatening in the darkness than usual.

“I told you to behave yourself.”

Like before, he brought his hand to my face. However, it was a completely different feeling from a moment ago when he had brushed my face cautiously as if suppressing an impulse. His fingers touched my cheek and ear, and finally slid down to rub my lips as if to crush them. Over and over, tenaciously.

The excitement that had swelled to make my penis tautly erect shot through my whole body like an explosion with just a few touches from Jihyuk. My heart was beating as if it would swallow me whole. I could not bring myself to push away Jihyuk, who was touching my face and lips so freely.

“Lying in my bed next to me, panting and touching your own dick…. It makes me want to fuck you, sir.”

The slow words coiled around my ear distinctly like a snake. It was a crude expression I had not heard from Jihyuk in a very long time. With a face flushed so red it felt like it would burst, I shook my head vigorously. My words automatically stuttered.

“That is, that is not… not it….”

“I did not want to scare you, sir, so I have been holding back until now.”

Jihyuk’s face, which had drawn closer, said as if in warning.

“But originally, I am a dog in heat. You know that.”

“Ah, wait, just a moment….”

“If you act like this when you know it better than anyone, what do you want me to do?”

The finger that had been brushing my lips had, at some point, slipped inside my mouth. Like an old habit, I accepted the thick thumb without resistance. I wrapped my tongue around the finger, much thicker than other people’s, and sucked on it fiercely. My eyes became languidly unfocused, and saliva pooled in my mouth.

“Hah….”

I could see Jihyuk’s expression contort even in the darkness. Jihyuk, who let out a low, dark moan, cupped and caressed my cheek with his other four fingers along with a short command of “More.” At the same time, his thumb pushed deeper into my mouth.

“Ooh…. Ugh.”

With his finger still in my mouth, he slowly climbed on top of me. His hot body settled heavily on my waist. He pressed his lower body, its thick outline prominent, completely against me and rubbed slowly.

The hot piece of flesh was explicitly wanting to enter me. Every place Jihyuk’s lower body touched felt like an electric shock. I could not stand it anymore. My penis, which had not been touched for so long, had nerves as sensitive as the tip of a needle. It felt like I would come just by being touched.

However, in that moment, Jihyuk pulled his hand out of my mouth with a long sigh. The thigh with its menacing outline jutting out slowly rose, and he tried to get off of me. Seeing that, I grabbed his thick wrist, as if possessed.

“…Jihyuk…”

I had mustered the courage to call his name, but the next words would not come out. What was I supposed to say? What I wanted had now become clear, but it was a word I could not bring myself to say to Jihyuk. As I held onto Jihyuk’s wrist for a long time, just chewing on my lip, Jihyuk smiled a little.

“I am really having a hard time holding back…, but my dear sir is not helping.”

“……”

“You should not have been born looking like this. Or, you should not call me in that voice.”

Jihyuk, who said that as if resentful, slowly reached out his other hand and touched my hair. My face, already flushed with heat, felt like it was about to explode.

It would be right to stop here. I absolutely cannot beg Jihyuk with my own mouth. If I did that, what would he think of me?
And yet, my body was already as heated as it could be. That brief contact had completely set fire to my sensitized nerves. I tried to calm my breathing, which had become a little rough without my realizing it, but it was not easy.

Then, as if he had read my mind, Jihyuk whispered.

“Are you really, going to be okay?”

Having completely lost my resistance, I nodded my head frantically. Jihyuk, who had smiled faintly, bent down and kissed my earlobe.

“If you think you’ll be scared, do not do it.”

“I, I’m not scared….”

The voice that came out of my mouth next was a little smaller.

“…Touch me….”

As if he had been waiting for the answer, at that moment, the soft flesh of my earlobe was nibbled between Jihyuk’s teeth. My mind was so dazed that even the dull, tingling pain felt sweet.

At the same time, his saliva-coated fingers slowly burrowed into my pants. The elastic sweatpants accepted Jihyuk’s hand all too easily. With a familiar touch, he pulled down my pants and underwear at once. My body was gradually being laid back down.

Just the touch of his hand, as hot as fire, on my skin made my eyes tremble. His dry, hard hand gently stroked the inside of my thigh. My buttocks clenched tightly.

“Can I kiss you?”

His voice, having completely lost its composure, asked for my permission for the first time. At that sight, a sense of excitement I had never felt before soared. Jihyuk, who had always dominated and taken me as he pleased, was looking at me with desire, waiting for my permission.

I nodded my head. At the same time, Jihyuk rushed in and kissed me. It was his lips, which I had not accepted in years. The feeling of his hot, firm tongue immediately pushing in and rubbing against mine was endlessly good.

“Ah, fuck….”

Jihyuk, who muttered a curse quietly between our momentarily parted lips, pressed his lips to mine again. He also seemed very excited.

His hand soon gently gripped my penis. Just the touch of it made the urge to ejaculate rise to the back of my throat. Without realizing it, I wrapped my arms around his neck and clung to him, letting out moans.

“Ah…. Jihyuk, ah….”

“Does it feel good? Jeonghyun.”

Jihyuk’s voice, mixed with excitement, becomes even lower. He lightly rubs the tip of my glans with his calloused palm, then wraps his large hand around the shaft and skillfully moves it up and down.

He still knew well how to make me feel good. Just as the pleasure he had engraved in my body had not been forgotten even after several years.

“Ah, ugh…! I, I’m going to come…!”

I said in a rushed voice and tried to push Jihyuk’s neck away, but my ejaculation was starting a beat too early. Semen spurted endlessly from the tip. My waist trembled from the pleasure I was feeling for the first time in so long.

Jihyuk watched the scene intently in the darkness. Not only that, he even slowly wiped away the semen that was messily moistening the tip. And then, while making eye contact with me, he put his semen-stained finger in his mouth.

“W-why are you doing that…!”

“You must not have even masturbated all this time. It is very thick.”

I was horrified and tried to stop him, but all that came back was Jihyuk’s strangely satisfied reply. I wanted to say something more, but my head, muddled with pleasure, could not think properly.

‘…More….’

I swallowed hard. Despite having just ejaculated in Jihyuk’s hand, my body, already on fire, wanted something more sinister. Still, I could never say that. Unless I was out of my mind, I could never let him know that I wanted something like that, especially when I was too scared to even sleep alone in here.

Even though he had made me come, Jihyuk did not seem to have any intention of stopping. He slowly got down to the floor, knelt, and then sat me up, letting both my legs dangle. I blinked, unable to understand what was happening, as I watched Jihyuk spread my semen-stained thighs and position himself between them.

“What, what are you trying to do…?”

Jihyuk smiled, his eyes crinkling languidly, and answered.

“Cleaning your dick.”

After finishing his words, Jihyuk slowly opened his mouth. He slipped the tip, which was covered in a glistening liquid, into his mouth in one go and pushed it to the back of his throat. At the same time, a sharp moan, almost a scream, burst from my lips.

“Ah, ah…! Jihyuk, st, op…!”

Without answering, he pulled his head back and then pushed my penis into the back of his throat again. My inner thighs trembled as if in a seizure at Jihyuk’s act, which had not a single point of hesitation. My vision blurred from the pleasure that was crashing down on me too hard.

It did not even take a few seconds for my penis, which had gone limp after just ejaculating, to become erect again. The feeling of my firmly hardened penis scraping the back of Jihyuk’s throat as it moved in and out is excessively vivid.

Not stopping there, he used his tongue to suck my penis fiercely. Slurp, a little saliva trickled out from the corners of his lips. All the while, his loosely raised gaze tenaciously followed my face, which was trembling with pleasure. As if he would not miss a single moment.

“Ah, hhh…. Jihyuk, Jihyuk….”

A whimpering voice kept coming out. The side of his handsome face hollowed each time he used force to suck on my shaft, and it popped back out with a greedy sucking sound. Jihyuk with my penis in his mouth. It was so obscene and intensely stimulating that it did not feel real at all.

Suck, suck, while sucking on my shaft like a piece of candy, he leisurely caresses my testicles with one hand. My lower abdomen felt like it was melting from the sensation of him kneading and rolling them in his hand. The urge to ejaculate rose again. My senses, which had been dormant as if dead, were completely awakened in Jihyuk’s hands and mouth. They were begging him to pour that familiar pleasure into me, to do even more.

“Ah, hhh….”

Swoosh, my waist flinched at the sensation of my penis being pulled out of a narrow, hot place. Jihyuk, who had slowly spit out my penis, stuck out his long tongue. Just like that, while meeting my eyes, he touched the tip with his tongue. With a face suppressing his excitement, he licked up the glistening shaft like a dog.

I could not bring myself to meet Jihyuk’s eyes any longer, so I sharply averted my gaze. He was definitely kneeling and sucking my penis right now, yet he was still overwhelming me.

I felt like I was going to cum again at this rate. It was just as I was about to push Jihyuk away to beg him to stop. Jihyuk spread my parted thighs even wider, then placed a cushion under my buttocks to support them. In an instant, I was in a position where my lower body was even more explicitly exposed to him.

“J-Jihyuk… ah!”

It was when I was trying to sit up. Something hot touched the tightly closed place. Just as my knees were about to snap shut reflexively, Jihyuk’s strong hands forced my thighs open even wider and held them in place.

“Th-this, wait, Jihyuk, just a moment!”

It was useless to struggle. A hard tongue relentlessly pushed through my bottom, like a snake thrusting its head into a narrow space. An unfamiliar sensation squirmed inside the hole. My entire legs trembled from the feeling of the tiny hole being forcibly opened. I could not believe that Jihyuk was doing this to me right now.

“It’s… dirty…. Please, stop…, hhh….”

The pleasure that had me dreamily soaked a moment ago was gone. A powerful sense of shame seized me by the hair. No, no matter what, with a mouth in a place like this…. It was an act I had never even thought of in my life.

Even if I cried and struggled, even if I tried to push Jihyuk’s head away frantically, it was futile. In the end, I was left to completely entrust my private parts to Jihyuk’s mouth while tears streamed down my face. I had been taken by him countless times, but this was the first time I had experienced something like this.

Slurp, slurp, from below, a sound wetter and more embarrassing than when he was sucking my penis earlier was heard. Jihyuk, who had my legs spread and his lips buried between my buttocks, sucking on my hole, had the same expression as usual. There was no sign of disgust. I saw the scene of his long tongue moving in and out of my hole with my own two eyes and squeezed them shut.

“Hh, ugh. Jihyuk, ah, no. Please, ugh… ung.”

I felt like I was going to go crazy from the shame. But even as I cried and begged, there was a sensation that was slowly raising its head. I had definitely thought that the act of squirming and rummaging around down there was embarrassing and unpleasant… but at some point, my lower abdomen was slowly melting. The feeling of my hole becoming lusciously pliant was explicit.

“Ugh, ung, hhh…. Ji, Jihyuk… ah….”

A different kind of sound kept coming out now. I was so flustered and embarrassed that I covered my mouth with my hand. But ugh, ugh, the suppressed moans leaking from my blocked mouth were also wetly soaked.

I heard the sound of him laughing a couple of times from below as he heard my moan. The tongue that thrust deep inside the wrinkled hole was as unrestrained as a penis. The hot and hard thing pushed mercilessly into my inner walls, licking and caressing them. My toes curled up until they turned white from the slippery, squirming sensation.

“Ugh, ahh…!”

I could not help but ejaculate again from the sensation of being persistently stabbed from below. Jihyuk’s hand loosely blocked the spurting semen. The large palm was quickly soaked with it. Even though I had just ejaculated, the semen was thick.

Jihyuk sat up. The long shadow once again laid me down and straddled my waist. His thick fingers slowly kneaded my hole. Jihyuk, who let out a couple of low laughs, opened his mouth.

“Sir. Do you know? This place… it’s twitching.”

Jihyuk, who was speaking in a damp voice, took his hand away from my hole, then bent his upper body and took my earlobe into his mouth, chewing on it. Every time he moved his jaw, a chilling shiver melted my lower abdomen. Come to think of it, Jihyuk was still wearing his clothes.

Despite his blatant desire for me, and despite the tacit permission I had given earlier, Jihyuk did not rashly take out his penis or take off his clothes. He simply revealed his instincts through his gestures, looking at me as if licking me with his desire-soaked eyes. Jihyuk made no demands on me, even as he looked at me with longing, like a beast desperately courting its mate.

“Jihyuk. Don’t you… want to do it too?”

So I asked. It was a somewhat impulsive question, but I had no regrets. Hearing my question, Jihyuk let out a small laugh. He had an expression of disbelief.

“If I want to do it? Fuck…. What kind of question is that?”

“……”

“If I had my way, I would want to pound my dick into your hole right now. I want to fuck you so deep that even my balls go in, and watch you go wild.”

Every word of his low voice was clearly engraved. However, instead of rashly attempting the act he said he wanted to do to me, Jihyuk just blew hot breath into my ear and slowly rubbed his lower body against my thigh. As if he would not do anything until my permission was granted.

Seeing Jihyuk like that, I made a clear decision. A realization also came with it. My physical relationship with Jihyuk no longer remained a threatening trauma. Rather, it was what my body was honestly wanting right now.

I slowly sat up. Then I bent my upper body toward Jihyuk’s lower half, which was sitting on the bed. The moment my fingers hooked onto the comfortable sweatpants he was wearing to pull them down, Jihyuk’s hand grabbed my shoulder and stopped the action.

“What are you doing?”

“Jihyuk, your thing…. I’m, I’m going to suck it.”

Because the sex I had with Jihyuk before always started in this order, this method was the most natural for me. Sucking Jihyuk’s thing with my mouth, then opening my rear to receive him. But hearing my words, Jihyuk frowned slightly.

“You don’t have to do mine.”

“…Why?”

Jihyuk was making a very complicated expression. Does he not want to? That is not it. Just in case, I glanced down and Jihyuk’s crotch was noticeably bulging. Then why.

“…In case it reminds you of the past.”

He slowly opened his mouth.

“If you do not want to suck it, you do not have to.”

“……”

“You, sir, just receive what I do for you.”

“No, Jihyuk. …Just a moment.”

I felt like I knew why Jihyuk was worried. Because I was also a little worried. Jihyuk’s hands touching me pleasantly and me personally taking out Jihyuk’s penis, putting it in my mouth, and sucking it were two completely different things.

Just as Jihyuk said, the moment I saw his penis, the feelings I had tried to soothe might come pouring out like water from a burst dam. For the several months I was with Jihyuk, I had to suck his penis every time he came back from an outing, I had to take him from behind even while eating, and I had to listen to all his demands to pry me open and dig into me all night long. The memories of that time were surely piled up in a corner of my inner self, so deep that light could not reach it.

However.

“…It’s okay.”

A surprisingly calm voice came out.

“I’ll, …try it once.”

Unlike the time when I sold my body to him with my family’s safety as collateral, right now, I was with Jihyuk of my own complete will. Not receiving anything in return from Jihyuk, but purely with my own desire to do it.

Jihyuk’s hands touching me felt good. The kiss after several years was ecstatic, and it felt so good that my body trembled every time his large, hot hand stroked my penis. So this was not the miserable payment of the past, but sex that I was doing because I wanted to. I wanted to have good sex with Jihyuk.

Once I clearly recognized that, there was nothing more to hesitate about. I carefully held out my hand instead of an answer. Jihyuk shook his head again and tried to stop me by grabbing my wrist, but I gently pushed his hand away. He did not try to stop me anymore and just looked down at me intently in the darkness.

I slowly pulled down Jihyuk’s sweatpants. I could see the menacing bulge over his underwear. I swallowed dryly once and pulled down his underwear. It got caught on his thick shaft and did not come down in one go. Boing, I held my breath for a moment, looking at the shaft that popped out as if bouncing.

“……”

Even after seeing it for the first time in years, the size was enough to make me dizzy. The strong scent of a man mixed with the smell of body wash. It was a smell that had always terrified me. But now.

“I said you do not have to.”

A hoarse voice came from Jihyuk.

“Because I, want to do it… that is why.”

I replied in a slightly trembling voice. I slowly reached out my hand and carefully gripped the shaft. Just from the touch of my hand, Jihyuk’s penis twitched fiercely and grew in size. I slowly raised my thumb and rubbed the tip of the glans. The slippery liquid that was already smeared on the end of his penis clung to my thumb and stretched out.

“Hah….”

His masculine eyebrows furrowed slightly. Seeing that, an unprecedented lust rose within me. I wanted to see more of Jihyuk’s disheveled face. I mustered up my courage and rubbed my hand up and down. A savage groan escaped from Jihyuk, who had clenched his jaw.

“With those small hands, you touch so fucking lewdly.”

His large hand covered mine in an instant. He clasped the hand that had been gently stroking his penis and began to stroke his own penis fiercely. As he had said, my hands, which were unusually small for a man, were completely hidden under Jihyuk’s grip.

The bumpy veins rubbed directly against the inside of my palm. Splish, splish, an unimaginably lewd sound was made. The hard shaft squirmed as if it were alive. It was Jihyuk’s penis I was rubbing, but it felt as if Jihyuk was touching my penis.

“Ugh….”

As the speed gradually increased, his handsome brow furrowed more and more. Thick veins also stood out on his forearm. It was just holding hands together and masturbating, but how could it be so stimulating. Haa, our alternating breaths were hot.

However, I pulled back the hand I had entrusted to him. I did not want to make him ejaculate just with my hand.

“Just… a moment.”

Catching my breath that had risen rapidly, I slowly lowered my head. I brought my face down toward the shaft that had swelled to its limit from the stimulation of my hand. And then, I put my mouth on his penis.

I thought I had opened my mouth wide, but I could not even fit the glans through the gap between my parted lips. That is right. I have to open it wider. It was so awkward to open my jaw wide after such a long time. Right, I think that is how it was. I think I had to open it so wide that it felt like my jaw would dislocate to be able to swallow it all the way….

“Hoo… oop.”

“Do not overdo it. You do not have to.”

It had been years, so it was indeed difficult. The piece of flesh filling my mouth was only the very tip of his penis. How did I ever swallow this all the way? My vision went blank.

However, Jihyuk was just stroking my hair with an endlessly gentle touch. It was different from that time when he would grab me by the hair, berate me frighteningly, and forcefully shove it down my throat. Even as I held just the tip of his penis in my mouth, catching my breath, he did not rush me, but just looked down at me with a gaze mixed with sympathy, excitement, and affection.

His large hand gently stroking my head felt good. With the shaft that was pouring out a salty liquid in my mouth, I sucked the tip with a small pop. Jihyuk’s hand stopped for a moment. Hearing the curse he muttered in a low voice, I could tell that he was very excited.

It was the first time I had performed oral sex with this kind of feeling. It had always been a frightening act for me. But as I listened to Jihyuk’s breathing getting rougher while holding his penis in my mouth, my lower abdomen tingled strangely. Could it feel this good just by giving head? I was just mustering up the courage to try and take it deeper into my mouth.

Suddenly, a new fear arose.

What if he thinks I look too easy for sucking his thing so willingly? What if he still thinks I look like a whore, like he told me before….

The counseling I had received repeatedly over time constantly, and countless times, reminded me. That I am not a useless person. That I am a person who deserves to be respected as I am. That it is okay to just live as I am. That I am not my family’s hope, or my family’s means, but just one person named Kim Jeonghyun.

The words the counselors told me back then had very slowly raised my self-esteem, which had been completely stuck to the floor. As a result, I had recovered enough to be able to live a daily life and was managing to live in society, but this particular area had remained buried just as it had been chipped away back then. I had kept it tightly buried in my heart and had never taken it out.

So I was not sure. I did not know what thoughts my appearance would evoke in Jihyuk. I had tried to advance my relationship with Jihyuk as I had determinedly planned, but the memories of the past held me back. I felt like if I showed an active side, Jihyuk would immediately tell me to stop acting like a slutty whore with a cold face.

I had stopped moving without realizing it. Jihyuk’s hand came up and gently caressed my cheek, trying to push me away.

“Are you tired? Stop. It is okay to stop.”

“Th-that is not it….”

I hesitated for a moment. Is it okay to be honest? But the hesitation was not long. For me, this time was a huge decision, and a testament to my will for my relationship with Jihyuk. Lies or concealment did not seem helpful. After licking my lips with my tongue, I answered haltingly.

“…If I, …act this proactively…. What if….”

“What if?”

His outstretched eyebrow rose on one side. I struggled to pull out the words that kept trying to crawl back in.

“…Like… before…”

“……”

“It looks like I am… selling my body….”

The heated air stopped. Jihyuk’s gaze, which had been colored with passion, froze as it was. A painfully uncomfortable silence flowed for a few seconds, and fuck, he spat out a curse and rubbed his face hard with his dry palm.