NANOM Ch 37

When I was a child, too young to even remember, my mother once told me that I had gone to the hospital because I had eaten a peach and my face had become severely itchy and I had started sneezing. Since then, I have lived my life without ever putting a peach to my lips. That is why I cannot be certain now whether I have the allergy or not.

“Do you not like it?”

The voice asking from beside me was gentle, but it was tinged with a subtle tension. I reflexively shook my head vigorously.

“Ah… no, of course not.”

“No, that’s not it.”

However, Jihyuk, who had noticed with sharp perception, quickly changed his tone.

“Do you perhaps dislike peaches?”

Why must he be so perceptive. Jihyuk’s expression, as he tilted his head slightly to the side and asked, was quite serious. But I could not bring myself to tell him the truth that I had a peach allergy.

Because Jihyuk had waited patiently for me even while complaining about my words that I would be too busy to see him all day. Because he must have mulled over my words that I like sushi, and my words asking him to just buy me a cake, many times, and because he must have been thinking of me the entire time he was preparing this meal and the cake for today.

My head was spinning. They say that allergies you have as a very young child can disappear as you grow up, so maybe it would be all right to eat just one piece. Perhaps I could just eat the bread and cream, avoiding the peaches placed on top of the cake.

“No, it’s not… like that. Can you give me that?”

Having quickly done the calculations in my head, I reached my hand out toward Jihyuk. His expression was displeased, but he cut a slice of the cake, placed it on a plate, and pushed it in front of me.

“…Th…thank you. I will, enjoy it.”

I spoke with a determined voice and picked up the fork. To hell with it. I swallowed hard, gulping, and aimed my fork at a section that did not have a peach on top.

“…….”

However, contrary to my calculation that I only needed to avoid the peaches decorating the very top, the inside of the cake was packed full of peaches. Moreover, they were peaches that had been chopped so finely that they were impossible to avoid.

Was this why it was so heavy. For a moment, I was at a loss for words and looked at Jihyuk; he had now shed his suspicious air and was wearing a faint smile. Jihyuk, who was even resting his chin on his hands on the table and looking my way, even appeared oddly excited.

“Try it. I bought it because they said it was delicious. I hope it suits your taste, teacher.”

His low voice was mixed with delight. On the surface, he did not look much different than usual, but through layers of accumulated experience, I could tell that Jihyuk was in a very good mood right now. It was difficult to bring myself to say I could not eat it when he was acting so happy, like a child, for buying me a cake.

Let’s just eat one bite. It’s not like it will kill me. It was something that happened when I was a baby, so young I could not even remember; surely it would not still be with me now. I squeezed my eyes shut, scooped up a piece of the cake, and put it in my mouth.

“How is it?”

“…It’s, it’s delici…ous.”

Perhaps because I was so nervous, my tongue had stiffened and my voice was even trembling slightly. But thanks to the cake filling my mouth, my pronunciation was vaguely slurred, and it seemed Jihyuk did not notice.

To be honest, the cake, filled with peaches, was not bad. No, it was the most delicious cake I had ever eaten in my entire life. I chewed and swallowed the cake, mumble mumble, and took a deep breath. Yes, I think it will be fine. Probably.

“You’re eating well. Cute.”

Jihyuk, smiling with his eyes, this time gripped the dessert fork with his own large hand and picked up a piece of the cake. Just as I was thinking, perhaps he is trying to taste it with me, a piece of cake was thrust before my eyes.

“…It’s, it’s okay. You… have, have it.”

“Nobody is watching.”

In my fluster, I quickly waved my hands and pulled my face back. However, Jihyuk, thinking I was reacting that way because I was worried the chef or the staff might see, just laughed as if it were amusing and said those words. I did not know what to say to refuse and was just opening and closing my mouth when the piece of cake came right up to my lips.

“Ah.”

In front of Jihyuk, who said that with a leisurely smile, I ended up… opening my mouth as if bewitched. The first bite is the hard part; the second was comparatively easier. As expected, the sweet peaches, harmonizing with the rich cream, went smoothly down my throat even though I had not chewed more than a few times.

I ate the cake two or three more times like that. Thankfully, the dessert course was stopped under the excuse of ‘I’m full,’ which I had managed to squeeze out with great effort. Watching the cake go back into its box, I let out a sigh of relief. Just in case, I drank the cold tea water several times to rinse out my throat.

“I enjoyed… the meal.”

“Did you eat well?”

“Yes. …Thank you, really.”

And so the luxurious meal came to an end. Even as we paid the bill and left the restaurant, I remained tense, checking my condition.

It’s fine. It’s still fine. My face is not itchy, and I am not sneezing. It was when I was very young, so it is hazy, but I am pretty sure those symptoms appeared as soon as I ate the peach back then. Right now, nothing is happening.

With a much more relieved heart, I followed Jihyuk and got into the car. Jihyuk, having started the engine, first turned on the air conditioner to a suitable temperature. Jihyuk, who pressed the accelerator and started the car, asked as he threw a glance in my direction.

“Were you having a very hard day today?”

“Huh? …Why?”

“Just. A little.”

Jihyuk, who answered indifferently, glanced at the side mirror and made a U-turn, turning the steering wheel sharply with one hand.

“Because you looked very exhausted when I first saw you earlier.”

“Ah….”

Was it that obvious. I blinked for a moment, then dropped my gaze to my knees. The events of the day slowly pass by in sequence.

The piled-up housework and the fact that I could not even eat lunch properly, the hours I struggled to focus on my book while drinking cheap coffee that made my mouth feel gritty after one sip. Even the embarrassingly holey sock and Daegeon’s voice as he talked back to me.

But objectively speaking, it was not a very bad or the worst day. It was just as packed as usual, and I only felt it was a little more arduous than ordinary days. Why could that be.

Perhaps, it is because, unlike in the past, I have started to attach some meaning to the name of a birthday. Because on days that one customarily thinks of as special, one wants to be coddled even for the things one has been doing every day without a second thought.

And, the one who instilled such meaning in me, who for a very long time had placed no importance on my birthday, would be Jihyuk, who went to the trouble of picking out a cake for me and feeding me delicious sushi.

Still, I am fine now. In fact, I was in a good mood. That is probably thanks to Jihyuk’s heart, which noticed my condition immediately upon seeing me, even though I am an expert at hiding signs of exhaustion.

I was about to say, I’m okay, that it was a little hard but thanks to you, the end of my birthday evening was quite nice. It was at that very moment. Suddenly, my throat felt ticklish, and a loud sneeze burst out.

“Ah, achoo!”

Jihyuk instantly reached out and turned off the air conditioner.

“Are you okay? Was the air too cold.”

“Ah, no. I’m fine, it’s just…. Achoo!”

Achoo, achoo. Even as I was trying to say I was fine, sneezes burst out several times in a row. I absolutely could not stand the feeling, like a ticklish feather was stuck in the back of my throat.

Watching me sneeze uncontrollably, Jihyuk made a serious face. Jihyuk, who had turned the steering wheel abruptly, pulled into a public parking lot that happened to be right next to us and stopped the car.

“What is it? What’s wrong with you.”

“Ah, no….”

To make matters worse, now my face was starting to itch. This is bad. I could feel it intuitively. Thankfully, I did not feel my throat swelling up or anything like that yet, but the sneezes would not stop and kept pouring out.

My eyes and nose and cheeks were so itchy that I unconsciously raised my hands and scratched them vigorously. Even while doing that, I instinctively avoided Jihyuk’s eyes, turning my face and lowering my head.

“Look up.”

Instantly, Jihyuk’s tone became harsh.

“Ah, no. It’s okay… just a moment.”

“Kim Jeonghyun. I said, look up, didn’t I?”

It was a cold voice from Jihyuk that I had not heard in a very long time. The back of my neck flinched on its own, and I became short of breath. My head, which kept turning to avoid his gaze, froze in place.

Seizing the opportunity, Jihyuk forcefully grabbed my chin and whipped it toward him. The moment our eyes met, Jihyuk’s face contorted fiercely.

“What is wrong with you. Tell me, right now.”

“…Well, the truth is… I… have a peach, allergy.”

“What?”

At the words I had finally managed to confess, Jihyuk’s eyes widened as if he was dumbfounded. I squeezed my eyes shut, thinking of the area around my eyes, now a mess of tears from the continuous sneezing, and my skin, which must have turned red and swollen. I could not bring myself to meet Jihyuk’s eyes.

“What kind of fucking, sense does that make?”

“…….”

“When I was doing that stupid fucking thing of personally feeding someone with an allergy, you should have said something then!”

A voice dripping with iciness finally echoed inside the car. At the sound, my body flinched large without me realizing it, and my shoulders hunched on their own.

“…I th, th, thought it would be okay…. I, i, it was from when I was a child and I haven’t… eaten it even once since….”

The way of speaking I had spent a long time painstakingly suppressing and refining broke free without restraint. At that moment, for some reason, the image of my past self, trembling helplessly before his fierce demeanor, flashed before my eyes.

The days when I could not say a single word properly and would read Jihyuk’s mood. A corner of my heart that had turned black and necrotic while I keenly observed and reacted to his every expression, truly like a dog raised by Jihyuk. Suddenly, things like that rose up in fragments and covered my mind.

It was a foolish recollection. Now and then are very different. And yet, fear and sorrow welled up all at once. Without realizing it, I wrapped my hands around my head and curled up my body. Warm water seeped out from my heated eyelids.

“…sob. Huu….”

Watching me, Jihyuk gasped from beside me. I could clearly feel his shocked state.

“Haa…. Shit, wait a moment. Teacher. Look, up.”

“…….”

“I’m sorry. I did not mean to startle you. Okay? …So please, look at me, look at my face.”

It was a voice that was, to anyone listening, clearly flustered. A dry, rough hand approached, attempting to embrace me, but I reflexively pushed his hand away without realizing it. At that, another exasperated sigh burst out.

“…Let’s go to the hospital first. Let’s talk after that.”

Vrooom, an engine sound quite different from before rumbled up from the car’s body. On the way, Jihyuk focused solely on driving without a word, yet he reached out a hand to hold mine. Even while crying, for some reason I did not want to shake off that hand, so I headed toward our destination awkwardly with my hand held by him.

Was it perhaps because of Jihyuk’s body heat being transmitted to me. My heart, which had been pounding like mad, and my emotions, which had suddenly and explosively fluctuated, slowly began to calm down. The tears also stopped. Except for the sound of occasional sneezes, we both maintained our silence for the entire ride.

The driving was somewhat aggressive, but because of it, we arrived at the hospital quickly. Jihyuk, who jumped out of the car as soon as he parked, once again examined my face. Jihyuk, who swallowed a sigh while clenching his teeth, hurriedly pulled me toward the emergency room.

The time spent registering and waiting felt like a thousand years. Thankfully, the sneezing had subsided on the way over, but my face was still so itchy I could die. Trying my best not to scratch my face, which was swollen up unattractively like a goldfish, I kept glancing sideways, but Jihyuk, sitting next to me, was wearing such a fierce expression that I could not summon the courage to speak to him.

He must be seriously angry. To be fair, even I could see how my actions could be viewed as complacent. Still, if I could go back to that moment just now, could I really have refused?

‘Try it. I bought it because they said it was delicious. I hope it suits your taste, teacher.’

The warmth that was clearly steeped in Jihyuk’s voice as he said that, his eyes creasing slightly as he smiled, was impossible to push away. Because on his face, which looked so pleased watching me eat the cake, there was an emotion that truly could only be described as affection melted into it. That must be why I could not bring myself to push it away.

“Mr. Kim Jeonghyun.”

“Yes.”

“Please come this way.”

At the opportune timing of the medical staff’s voice calling my name, I shot up from my seat. I was guided into the inner part of the emergency room and explained my symptoms, and only after undergoing several tests, such as a blood test and an X-ray, was I able to get a shot. The symptoms of ceaseless itching and sneezing that had persisted until just a moment ago subsided as if by a lie once the medication was administered.

Jihyuk stayed by my side through it all, yet he remained silent. While the nurse was removing the empty syringe, he returned after paying the bill. I bit my lip as I looked at Jihyuk’s face, from which a cold wind was still whipping. Honestly, it is true that I was in the wrong, but, …still, I do not know. I just felt a little, no, a lot more than a little, upset.

‘…Of all days, it had to be my birthday.’

On the way to the parking lot, I let out a small sigh and walked while looking only at the ground. My heart was now so weary that I even began to resent the fact that it was my birthday.

I wish it had been a day no different from usual. Would I have been a little less gloomy then. I had thought it was a relief that I could still cap off a difficult day splendidly, but that must have been a huge misunderstanding. It was a more difficult day than any ordinary day. Now I just wanted to go home and rest.

As if it had read my thoughts, the car started off roughly. I agonized the whole time inside the moving car. Should I try to talk to Jihyuk. But the hesitation that arose several times vanished without a trace each time before Jihyuk’s hardened expression.

The place we arrived at after driving without a single word was a large park located not far from my house.

“Haa….”

Jihyuk, who had turned off the ignition, threw his head back, slamming the back of his head against the headrest with a long sigh. Jihyuk, who remained frozen like that for a few seconds, opened the car door. I stared blankly at the back of him getting out of the driver’s seat. Jihyuk took a cigarette out of his pocket, put it in his mouth, and then turned around with his back to the car.

It had been a while since Jihyuk had smoked. That is not to say he had quit, but that the frequency with which he smoked in front of me had decreased significantly. I had not specifically expressed that the smell of cigarettes was unpleasant, but Jihyuk did so on his own.

But now, Jihyuk took out a cigarette in front of me for the first time in a very long time. The brightly burning cigarette momentarily illuminated Jihyuk’s hardened profile. He, exhaling the smoke without any leisure, had an extremely troubled expression.

“…….”

At that point, my throat also began to feel hot. Was I that frustrating to him. Was my behavior something that would make Jihyuk this angry. A feeling of sorrow welled up in my chest for no reason. It felt as if the very center of my chest was being tightly constricted.

With a slightly piqued heart, I sharply turned my gaze away from Jihyuk, but soon I wiped my face with my palm along with a sigh. Right, it was my birthday that Jihyuk had worked hard to prepare for me, and I ruined it by acting foolishly…, so it is understandable that this kid would get this angry. So I decided that whether he accepts it or not, I should at least express my gratitude.

Firmly making up my mind, I got out of the car and approached Jihyuk. Jihyuk, who had been smoking with his back to the car, leaning his upper body diagonally against the railing, frowned slightly upon seeing me and immediately put out the cigarette. He threw the cigarette into the public ashtray and turned his body toward me.

Jihyuk’s expression, which is set hard, is still so difficult to deal with even now, after so much time has passed since the old days. I forced myself to get a hold of my heart, which had started to pound, thump thump, and took a couple of deep breaths. Because trying compulsively not to stutter made me stutter even more, I opened my mouth as slowly as possible.

“Um…. Ji, Jihyuk.”

A dry gaze poured over me. Jihyuk silently exhaled the remaining cigarette smoke in his mouth and looked at me.

“You’re… very angry, aren’t you. …I’m sorry.”

A moment of silence flowed. Then, what leaked from Jihyuk’s mouth was a scoff, ha. Jihyuk, who looked up as if in disbelief, slowly swept the inside of his mouth with his tongue. His profile bulged for a moment before becoming sleek again.

Following that, Jihyuk spat out fiercely.

“Why are you apologizing, teacher? For what on earth?”

“…….”

“Fuck, Kim Jeonghyun.”

The frozen voice instantly seized the humid air of the summer night.

“You knew. Why did you eat it?”

“…….”

“Why, didn’t you tell me sooner.”

I could see Jihyuk’s forehead, with thick veins standing out. He, clenching his jaw, seemed to be barely suppressing his anger.

“What is that fucking cake. Shit, is something like that more important than you?”

“…….”

“It’s your birthday, a day you should be congratulated, but your face is all swollen up… watching you get a shot in the emergency room while stealing glances at me, I was….”

The cold voice cut off abruptly. Haa, Jihyuk, who let out a rough sigh, wiped his face with a dry palm.

“What if your airway had closed up, what would you have done then? Fuck, am I supposed to go crazy again, watching you in pain right before my eyes, completely helpless?”

Jihyuk’s voice was low and sharp, but at the same time, it was hopelessly ragged.

“…Is it still because you’re scared of me?”

“…….”

“Because of me… you couldn’t even say you couldn’t eat it and you just forced that thing down?”

Haa, a sigh, unmixed with cigarette smoke, was exhaled long from Jihyuk. At the end of an endlessly long silence, a suppressed voice continued.

“I just, want to kill myself.”

“…….”

“If only I could go back to the past, I want to kill the me who made you unable to even say you have an allergy.”

Jihyuk’s words, ground out through clenched teeth, were cut off again. The empty park was frozen still by the suffocating silence between just the two of us. Time, and the flow of air.

I felt like I had been hit over the head. Falteringly, I barely parted my lips, which would not move.

“…I….”

But the words died there. Truly, I had never imagined that Jihyuk was thinking such a thing.

I, until now, had thought Jihyuk was angry because of my frustrating behavior. Because I was foolish enough not to say in advance that I had an allergy, and because of that, I had ruined my birthday, which Jihyuk must have prepared for with his own efforts. That was why I thought this kid was angry.

But the reason for Jihyuk’s anger lay elsewhere. He was detesting his past self. He was assuming that the reason I could not tell him about my allergy was because of my fear of him, and he was suffering, unable to stand himself for having created that situation.

“…Jihyuk.”

I called Jihyuk’s name softly. At the end of the quiet echo, his gaze caught on me. I looked into him with calm eyes and slowly shook my head. Very clearly, so that Jihyuk could no longer misunderstand. I had always been frustrating, even to myself, but at this very moment, I wanted to convey my intentions without distortion.

“…It’s not because I was scared of you, that I forced myself… to eat the cake.”

I told him that, in a distinct tone.

“It was just… because I liked it. That’s why… I ate it.”

“…….”

“Because you, for my sake, brought the cake, I liked it…. That’s why, I couldn’t refuse. Because you were looking at me… with such a happy face.”

“…….”

“It’s not because I’m scared of you or… because I’m trying to read your mood.”

After saying everything I wanted to say, I felt a sense of relief in my chest. I no longer felt the gloom that had been heavily weighing down my heart, nor the sorriness and anxiety toward Jihyuk. I had spoken with all my heart, so I was confident that Jihyuk would also accept it straightforwardly. That is why I could look at Jihyuk steadily with an unwavering gaze.

Jihyuk, who had been looking down at me in silence for a long time, let out another sigh, haa. Unlike the sharp, irritable sigh from before, this time it was a sigh that sounded somewhat hollow.

“Shit…. Why do you act so foolishly. You should be blaming me and hitting me for buying such a thing and feeding it to you, and even that wouldn’t be enough.”

Jihyuk, who had spat out the words fiercely, eventually lowered his gaze diagonally and chuckled.

“…It’s your birthday, I wanted to make you at least a little happy.”

“…….”

“Far from happiness, I just ended up scaring you, teacher…. Haa…. This is truly the worst.”

With a sigh, Jihyuk’s gaze, which had roughly swept across one side of his face, had come to rest on my neck. On days when Jihyuk seems troubled, his eyes invariably end up on the brown scar left on my neck. At times like that, Jihyuk’s gaze is incredibly heavy and complex.

The dark brown mark, shaped like a necklace, had faded a lot but it was still there. Seeing that it remains even after several years, it seems it will probably last a lifetime. I myself am already used to it and am indifferent, but Jihyuk always makes the same expression whenever he sees my neck. As he does when he sees the very round, small mark on one of my wrists.

Jihyuk’s gaze shifts in a complex way. Even so, I reached out my hand and grabbed Jihyuk’s wrist, who was slowly caressing my face. And I shook my head.

“Jihyuk. …I was happy today.”

Before he could say anything, I quickly cut him off.

“Really… I mean it. I’m not just… saying it to comfort you.”

“…….”

“…Seeing you run… to Daegeon’s house, to pick me up… I think I was happy, from that moment on.”

His gaze was fixed on me, unmoving. Not a single stir. Jihyuk, who had been staring at me in silence for a long while, slowly opened his mouth.

“Jeonghyun. You are already sufficiently fucked.”

Jihyuk’s eyes, as he said that, were devoid of their usual hint of a smile.

“If you keep saying things like that in front of me, you will never be able to escape me for the rest of your life.”

I think I might have been scared of such words in the past. From the day I realized that Jihyuk’s feelings for me were growing larger and larger, I had started to back away. Because even in words spoken as a joke like this, there was a sincerity that was enough to make me flinch.

But now, I am looking straight into Jihyuk’s eyes. My feet also were no longer retreating but holding their ground.

“I am not… fucked. …I am, just as I am now… perfectly fine.”

“…….”

“It’s true that you… made things hard for me, but it’s also true that you helped me.”

It was true. Jihyuk is no longer a being so terrifying that I cannot even properly tell him whether or not I have an allergy. He was a presence I had secretly hoped would naturally be there at the end of a hard day, and a person who made me think that I did not want to extinguish the pure gleam in his eyes as he held out the cake and looked at me. He was a person who made my birthday not just an ordinary day, but a special one.

And, ironically, what became organized as I spoke to Jihyuk like that was my own heart, which had been in disarray all this time.

While continuing a relationship with Jihyuk that I could not define, feelings like self-blame and doubt had certainly existed. How, after being treated that way by Jihyuk, could I so thoughtlessly accept Jihyuk, and on top of that, feel my heart pound and flutter while looking at him. Because I could not explain my relationship with Jihyuk in any way, I could not understand my own heart either.

But now I know. My jumbled situation and heart have been sorted out by the two sentences I just said to Jihyuk. That it is true Jihyuk made things hard for me, but it is also true that he helped me. And that I, who have gradually and solidly matured over a lot of time, will continue to get better in the future.

So, let me also entrust my relationship with Jihyuk and my own heart to the natural flow. Let me accept the affection that Jihyuk is pouring out, which is admittedly immature but is boiling hot in its temperature. Without any self-blame or fear or anxiety, but just freely, as my heart desires.

At my concise and resolute answer, Jihyuk burst out laughing loudly. All of a sudden, a strong force pulled my body in. The summer night air, mixed with Jihyuk’s scent and the smell of cologne, momentarily distorted, and my nose and cheeks touched something hot. In a position where I was held by Jihyuk, unable to move a muscle, I timidly tried to push against his chest, but as always, at times like this, Jihyuk shows no mercy.

“I don’t know if today is Kim Jeonghyun’s birthday or my birthday.”

A voice as syrupy-sweet as the cake we had eaten earlier rumbled from his chest, which was touching my face.

“First, let’s get in the car. You must be hot. You’re sweating a lot.”

“Yeah.”

It is not even the season for tropical nights, yet I do not know why my face is suddenly flushing like this. I gently grabbed and pulled down Jihyuk’s hand, which was wiping the sweat beaded on my forehead with his sleeve, and got into the passenger seat as if running away. As long as we were stuck together, there was no way the heat would subside.

Soon after, the driver’s side door opened and Jihyuk also got into the car. It was while I was casually turning my gaze toward Jihyuk. I saw a different cake box from before, placed in the back seat. The huge cake box on the left was definitely the peach cake we ate earlier, but the one in the right corner was a small, plain white box with no decorations.

“But, what is that?”

“…….”

At the casually thrown question, Jihyuk’s expression subtly hardened. What is it? I had asked it casually, but I do not know why he is making an expression I have never seen before in my life.

Seeing that face, a playful urge suddenly reared its head. It was a feeling that had sprung up for the first time toward Jihyuk. I slowly pulled up the corners of my mouth and asked again in a light tone.

“What is it, what is it…?”

“…Um.”

It was the first time Jihyuk had hesitated for so long on a question from me. His expression did not seem particularly upset, but it was so strange it was hard to describe.

Yes, Jihyuk was definitely, though slightly, flustered. My curiosity, which I had never felt before, amplified even more, but I had no intention of pressing him further if it was difficult for him to talk about. It was when I was about to wave my hand to say he did not have to tell me if he did not want to. Jihyuk, who had made the inside of his cheek bulge by sweeping it with his tongue, slowly parted his lips.

“…It was something I made to give to you, teacher.”

“What?”

A rarely loud voice came out. I stared at Jihyuk with my mouth wide open and an expression of disbelief. To give to whom, who made what? Jihyuk made a cake? I could not believe it even after hearing it. This whole situation felt like a dream.

“But why… did you not give it to me?”

“Because I messed it up.”

Jihyuk, who spat out the words bluntly like a disgruntled child, cast his eyes down at an angle.

“…Originally, I was going to make it for you. But shit…. It didn’t turn out as well as I thought.”

“…….”

“But I brought it just in case, because you never know…. but it was just no good. So that’s why I was a little late earlier, because I had to rush to the department store to buy a cake.”

Jihyuk, having finished speaking, turned his head to the front. I stared blankly at Jihyuk’s profile, and without realizing it, a slight laugh escaped me. Could he be embarrassed? It is truly a rare occurrence, but when I see Jihyuk’s face like this, it shows that he is younger than me. It was something that rarely happened.

Ahem, I suppressed the laugh that was about to burst out after a cough and spoke in a deliberately calm manner.

“Jihyuk. …I’m curious, about that cake.”

“…….”

“Show me. Please?”

At the repeated request, Jihyuk wiped his dry face with his palm.

“Haa…. It’s really just garbage. I messed it up in the early stages.”

“It’s okay. It’s fine even if it’s just… a lump of batter.”

“…….”

“It’s really okay, so I want… to see what you made. Please?”

Even to my own eyes, I was being uncharacteristically persistent. But a cake he made for me, I really, really wanted to see it just once. As he said, it was fine even if it was just a lump of batter. What was important was the fact that Jihyuk, who never cooks, had made a cake himself for me.

With a sigh, Jihyuk finally reached his hand back. He picked up the cake box with nothing drawn on it and handed the box to me. For some reason, my heart started to flutter. I slowly opened the cake box I had received.

What soon came into view was a small cake covered in pure white cream. As Jihyuk had said, it had no icing or toppings whatsoever, it was just close to a white lump. Even that, the cream was not spread evenly, so the surface of the cake was bumpy and a mess. It was no wonder that Jihyuk had described it as messed up.

And, one small note that came out with it.

[Happy Birthday.]

A single sentence, attached after the exceedingly simple birthday greeting, covered my vision.

[I love you.]

It was Jihyuk’s handwriting, which I had seen tens, hundreds of times. His slightly slanted script, which gives off a cool and lonely feeling. A long time ago, it had thrown me into fear and confusion, and at other times, it was Jihyuk’s handwriting that I had endlessly mulled over and engraved in my heart, unable to find the reason for his absence.

That handwriting of Jihyuk was now speaking to me. Telling me happy birthday. And, that he loves me.

“…Don’t force yourself to take something like this just because you feel sorry again. If you just leave it, I’ll throw it away my….”

Strangely, some kind of emotion surged up hotly from within my heart. I could not hold it in any longer. I closed the cake box again, and reached my hands out toward Jihyuk. And I carefully hugged Jihyuk’s body as I felt it.

“……!”

Jihyuk’s body froze just like that. Rarely, he was unable to say anything and just remained frozen in that state.

Then, soon after, he forcefully pulled my head and brought it to his chest. Thump, thump, thump…. The loudest sound of Jihyuk’s heartbeat I had ever heard continuously pounds against my ear. His heart, which I had thought was as big as Jihyuk’s fist and that the scar on the back of his hand must be engraved on it, was throbbing with a resonance that could not be hidden even if he tried.

“…Thank you.”

I spoke clearly, so that my small voice would not be buried by the sound of the heartbeat.

“The cake… I will enjoy it. For making it for me, I’m really happy.”

Could it be my imagination that the sound of the heart, coming from the chest my ear is pressed against, seems to have gotten louder, and faster. It feels as if the low vibrations, which have picked up speed frighteningly, are not just filling my ears but even my heart.

“It really is my birthday today.”

Listening to the low, rough voice tinged with laughter, the beating of my own heart also grew louder and louder. I put strength in my legs so that the cake box placed on my lap would not slide off. The cake Jihyuk made for me for the first time. Although it might be a ruined cake with no flair at all, as Jihyuk had said, it was something precious to me.

And I, now, with my head comfortably resting on Jihyuk’s chest and the cake he made for me on my lap, felt like I finally understood the reason. The reason why Jihyuk had so easily broken down my guard.

It was because of Jihyuk’s unrefined kindness, which he had probably never extended to another person in his entire life. That side of Jihyuk, which only I know, was what I liked. Just like this crooked cake that Jihyuk made solely for me.

“Do you want to go to… my place, and eat this together?”

Even as I said it, I wondered if it was too late. It was after having a much later dinner than others and causing a whole commotion by even going to the hospital. When I checked the clock, it was already almost one in the morning. But Jihyuk smiled as he answered readily.

“I’d like that.”

Neither of us had to be the first. A hand, unusually large for a man, and a hand, uniquely small for a man, overlapped smoothly.

A birthday, not a day that was harder than any other, but a birthday that sparkled, more special and meaningful than any other day, was slowly coming to a close.