NANOM Ch 4

“…Why, why do you want that?”

A dumbfounded voice escaped me. Why did this boy keep coveting my insignificant belongings? And trivial, personal things at that, like a pen or a photo.

The thought that this was a little strange automatically followed. However, the guard that had been stealthily rising immediately crumbled when I saw Jiwon’s harmlessly smiling face.

“Just because. To me, you are both such great teachers, so it’s fascinating and nice to see you together in the same photo… And you’re both Korea University alumni, aren’t you? I feel like I could get some really good vibes from it.”

After he went that far, it was hard to refuse. To this boy, we were both his teachers, and also alumni of the university he was aiming for, so it wasn’t unreasonable for him to say he wanted it. I was also the type who was not good at refusing things. I gnawed on my lip for a moment before finally handing the photo to Jiwon.

“…Alright then. But in return… could you give it back after your exam? Since it’s not a picture of just my face…”

“Yes, I will. Thank you, teacher.”

Smiling brightly, Jiwon accepted the photo preciously, answering without a moment’s hesitation.

“I think I’ll be able to do well on my exam thanks to you two teachers.”

“Haha, it’s nothing much… I hope it brings you good luck.”

“Of course it’s good luck. Just a moment, teacher. I want to give you something in return, too.”

Jiwon opened a drawer, carefully placed my photo deep inside, and then rummaged through the drawer’s contents. ‘Look at this, teacher,’ he said, pulling out his own ID photo. Seeing the youthful student-like face staring forward with clear, innocent eyes, I couldn’t help but let out a snort of laughter.

“You look like a total baby. You look so young.”

“Do I?”

Smiling with the corners of his mouth turned up, Jiwon naturally slid his photo into the empty slot in my wallet.

“…What are you doing?”

“I’m putting in a photo of my well-behaved student. Hehe.”

Having placed his picture in the most visible spot, Jiwon beamed. I awkwardly smiled back at him, but that smile quickly faded. The wariness that had just collapsed so futilely began to build its walls once more.

Is this… normal?

What was the nature of this boy’s affection and admiration for me? I couldn’t guess carelessly. He and I were of the same gender. Even if it wasn’t strange by my standards, the rest of the world likely didn’t think the same way I did.

It seems I really can’t hide my expressions, just as the madam once said. Seeing my face suddenly stiffen, Jiwon’s expression hardened as well. Looking flustered a moment too late, Jiwon grabbed my arm.

“Th-teacher… It’s not meant in a weird way.”

Startled, I waved my hands defensively, feeling as if I’d been caught.

“Huh? Oh… no, I wasn’t thinking anything.”

“It’s because I believe in a lot of superstitions… I really want to get into Korea University this time. And since I’m the eldest, I was always so envious of kids who had an older brother. So… it’s because you’re like a really great older brother to me.”

Watching Jiwon lower his eyes and earnestly apologize, my frayed nerves gradually calmed down. Right. Let’s stop thinking strange things. There’s no way. Thinking that, I let out a small laugh, and the wariness I had felt just a moment ago now seemed absurd.

“Yes, of course. Who said I was thinking anything strange?”

I tried to speak cheerfully and gave Jiwon a bright smile. Only then did Jiwon’s face brighten a little.

“Thanks for the picture. I’ll carry it around thinking of you as a little brother, okay?”

“Thank you, teacher.”

Seeing Jiwon’s pure smile, the discomfort I had felt just moments before once again seemed ridiculous. I gathered my pens into my pencil case and packed my bag. Jiwon also stood up with me, pushing his chair back smoothly. With a fluid, natural movement, he matched his steps to mine and walked down the long hallway.

“Stay for dinner, teacher.”

A delicious smell was wafting up from downstairs, just like last time. However, I shook my head with an apologetic expression.

“Oh? No. It’s okay. I have to go home and study for my exams too.”

“But… I specifically asked them to prepare it because I wanted you to have dinner before you left…”

I felt sorry for the pouting Jiwon, but honestly, it was getting to be a bit of a burden. I had eaten at other students’ houses a few times, but after the experience I had last time, I didn’t want to eat here as if nothing had happened. I wanted to avoid running into Jihyuk outside of class time.

“I’m sorry. Today I’m just really… busy. And um… you don’t have to go out of your way to prepare a meal on the days I come. Really, it’s fine.”

“……”

Disappointment gradually filled his large eyes. His bowed head looked dejected. It seemed this boy was as bad at hiding his emotions as I was. Feeling unnecessarily sorry, I fidgeted and took hold of Jiwon’s arm.

“Um… Jiwon?”

“Teacher… You’ll have a bit more free time once your exams are over, right?”

Jiwon abruptly lifted his face and asked, almost like he was whining. The question didn’t quite fit with the request I had just made, but I nodded for the time being.

“Yes, I suppose so…”

“Then you’ll have a meal with me then, right?”

It was truly strange. Was I particularly bad at refusing, or did this boy possess some power that made it impossible for others to say no to him?

After hesitating for a moment, I just nodded. A student was asking to have a meal, his eyes sparkling like this, and saying, ‘No. I’m uncomfortable,’ was too difficult a task for me.

“Okay. Let’s eat after your exams are over.”

“Great! That’s absolutely great.”

Jiwon laughed out loud, his voice bright. He already had a young-looking face, but he looked even younger when he laughed like this. I would believe it if someone told me he was seventeen or eighteen, not twenty. His brother, on the other hand, didn’t look like a minor at all. Now, as if by habit, I thought of the boy’s brother and let out a small laugh.

📖

The final exams were suddenly just around the corner.

Preparing for Jiwon’s tutoring, preparing for my existing student’s tutoring, and now the newly added Jihyuk. No matter how busy I was engrossed in those things, I also had to manage my own grades well.

As soon as my classes ended, I went straight to the school library and opened a book. I buried my head in my books and focused until the blackened night of the library turned white with dawn. Cup noodles, coffee, several energy drinks. I mechanically read the text and crammed it into my head, continuously putting such things into my stomach in between. This exam period was unusually packed. That made it even more difficult.

After the last exam ended, I submitted my paper and walked out of the classroom with a gaunt face. Even the feeling of someone patting my back felt hazy, as if I were under anesthesia.

“Hey! Kim Jeonghyun. Did it go well? Of course it went well, right?”

I slowly turned my head toward the sound. My mind, which had become sluggish the moment the exam ended, took a second or two just to recognize the person standing next to me. Woojae looked at my ghastly pale face and gasped.

“Hey… Are you okay? You’re going to collapse at this rate.”

“Uh huh… I’m fine. I’m going to go sleep now.”

“Oh, you Kim Jeonghyun. Studying is good and all, but a man’s got to live. Take a taxi. Want me to call one for you?”

“…No. I’m fine.”

Woojae’s words kept ringing and spreading in my ears. I didn’t even know what I had said in response. I could feel Woojae’s gaze on me as I staggered down the hallway, but I didn’t have the energy to look back.

I desperately needed sleep. I had practically stayed up for two full nights. A few days ago, I had Jihyuk’s first lesson, taught Jiwon the next day, and then for two straight days after that, I had been cooped up at school just studying and taking exams. I just wanted to collapse and sleep.

The walk to the main gate felt like an eternity. The journey from here, by subway and bus, to my home seemed endlessly far away. The word ‘taxi’ that Woojae had mentioned shimmered like a temptation, but I didn’t have the real courage to take one. I didn’t even have a taxi-hailing app on my phone.

Just a little longer. Just bear it a little longer. Then you can sleep… In my hazy state, even the shabby, cold floor of my room was desperately yearned for. The image of my old futon and blanket, smelling of stale dust, flickered before my eyes. Carrying a bag full of major textbooks, I took a heavy step with trembling legs. When would I ever get home? A sense of vast distance washed over me first, but there was nothing to be done.

I barely managed to walk to the front of the main gate. Just then, a horn blared—honk!—from a car parked in front of the gate. As I was about to pass by it indifferently, the horn sounded once more, and the rear passenger window buzzed open.

“Teacher!”

The person who called out to me with a cheerful voice was, unexpectedly, Jiwon. I was so surprised my eyes went wide.

“…Jiwon?!”

“You said your exams ended today!”

Did I? …Thinking back, it seemed we had a similar conversation after the last tutoring session. When I had declined his offer to stay for dinner, he had suggested we eat after my exams were over. He had also asked when they would end, and without much thought, I had told him they finished this morning.

Right. I remembered that now. But why was Jiwon here? …While slowly nodding my head, my mind, blurred and pale, couldn’t find any more information. I stood there, blankly blinking my eyes.

“…Yes, I think… I think so. But here… why.”

Unlike me, standing there awkwardly, Jiwon was still all smiles.

“I came to pick you up, teacher.”

“…Huh?”

“You said you’d eat with me after your exams ended.”

My dazed mind had trouble understanding Jiwon’s words all at once. Ah, that promise to eat… did he interpret it like this?

This was a disaster. I had to refuse. I squeezed my eyes, which kept trying to close, and stammered.

“Th-that, Jiwon… I’m sorry, but right now, I’m so… so sleepy… I can’t do anything.”

“You are?”

Even with my reply trailing off like a tangled thread, Jiwon still wore a faint smile. No, his slightly furrowed brow looked a little annoyed, perhaps. …I didn’t know. It was a bit difficult to figure out what Jiwon was thinking right now. My head wasn’t working properly.

“So, are you going to sleep?”

“Yes. At home. Let’s eat… next time.”

“Alright. Get in first. I’ll give you a ride.”

“No, no, it’s really okay. I’m fine…”

I waved my hands at the preposterous suggestion. But even as I took a step back, Jiwon just waited patiently, staring up at me.

I swallowed hard, looking at the unmoving car. A high-end imported car, rarely seen at a university, and me, standing stock-still in front of it. I started to feel an increasing number of glances in our direction, so I grabbed the handle of the car’s back door.

“…Then… I’ll gratefully accept the ride.”

“Thank you.”

Even though I was the one getting the ride, Jiwon smiled broadly and thanked me. I carefully sat in the back seat, next to Jiwon. As soon as I was seated, the driver, as if he had been waiting, began to drive smoothly.

A chauffeur… I was once again reminded of the wealth of Jiwon’s family. It was the first time I had met Jiwon outside his mansion, so it felt new somehow.

The car skillfully navigated the narrow alleys in front of the university district. It felt like floating on a cloud. Although I didn’t know much about cars, I could tell that the ride was incomparable to the few taxis I had been in before.

However, I still couldn’t relax. There was no way a car I had suddenly gotten a ride in could feel comfortable.

“Teacher, please lean back and be comfortable.”

As if sensing my thoughts, Jiwon smiled and gently took my arm, guiding me to lean back.

“Ah… Yes. Thanks.”

“I came by so suddenly… you must have felt uncomfortable.”

“Ah, no. Thanks to you… I got a ride like this, so I’m grateful.”

I licked my dry lips with my tongue. It wasn’t that I wasn’t burdened by Jiwon’s sudden appearance, but my body was exhausted and the road home was daunting, so didn’t it turn out for the best in the end? Since it had come to this, I decided to be shameless, shut my eyes tight, and just do as Jiwon said.

Come to think of it, I hadn’t even washed properly from all the studying… A belated sense of shame washed over me. I had barely managed to wash my face and brush my teeth before going to the exam, but I hadn’t washed my hair or showered… A wave of embarrassment came over me. It was a good thing I was at least wearing a hat. In case I smelled bad from not washing, I discreetly shifted a little further away from Jiwon.

“This is the first time I’ve seen you wear a hat, teacher.”

“I gue…ss so. I don’t wear one when I tutor…”

“Yes. You look really… cool right now, teacher.”

“…Cool? This?”

I was stunned. What was this boy’s standard for coolness? As I stood there dumbfounded, Jiwon smiled.

“Yes, when I become a university student, I really want to try this. Like, wearing a hat, staying up all night studying… things like that.”

“Haha… I see.”

The corners of my parched mouth lifted and then immediately drooped limply. Unlike the scorching heat outside, the air conditioner was set to a comfortable temperature inside the car, and the seat was incredibly comfortable.

My eyelids began to droop on their own. As my smile slowly faded from my lips and my blinks grew slower, Jiwon spoke to me in a soft, coaxing tone.

“Teacher. I’ll wake you up when we arrive. Get some sleep.”

“Huh? …Uh…huh.”

At Jiwon’s soothing tone, the strength gradually left my body. My body, which had been exhausted to its limit from worrying about this and that lately, was completely depleted by two nights of staying awake. Sleep washed over me with frightening speed.

“Then… I’ll leave it to you.”

Without even thinking to blink, I leaned my head against the back seat without resistance. In my fading consciousness, the thought of whether I had told him my address belatedly surfaced, but a sleep as deep as an abyss had already grabbed my ankles and was pulling me down forcefully.

📖

“…cher.”

“……”

“Teacher. We’re here, please open your eyes.”

“Huh?!”

I jolted awake.

Where am I? My head was still fuzzy. I frowned and rubbed my eyes quickly with the back of my hand. Fragmented afterimages that flashed before my closed eyes were quickly pieced together.

I had just finished my exam, and then I got a ride in Jiwon’s car in front of the school. He said he would take me home. …But where is this?

The scenery visible through the tinted window looked like an underground parking garage. It was, of course, neither near my house nor Jiwon’s mansion.

“Where… is this?”

A completely hoarse voice came out first. Jiwon gave a faint smile and led me out of the car as I cleared my throat with a ahem. For some reason, the driver’s seat was empty.

“A hotel.”

“…What?”

The last dregs of sleepiness lingering in my consciousness completely vanished. Greatly surprised, I looked up at Jiwon with a horrified expression. Did I just hear him correctly…?

“…Why… Why are we here…?”

“Ah, I forgot to ask for your address, teacher. And I felt bad about waking you up. You were sleeping so soundly.”

Jiwon said, smiling nonchalantly. Come to think of it, I had no memory of telling Jiwon my address. Unable to hide my shocked expression, I looked around.

“…St-still, to come here…”

“Ah, I could have taken you to my place to sleep, of course… but Jihyuk is home today.”

Jiwon said in a low voice, frowning. Of course, I was grateful for Jiwon’s consideration in helping me avoid Jihyuk… but to come to a hotel, no matter what, was absurd. I adjusted my hat with a troubled expression.

“Um… I’m going to go. This place is a bit much.”

“Ah, it doesn’t mean anything special. I just wanted to have a meal with you, teacher, but you looked so tired… I just wanted to let you get some sleep, so I came here.”

He waves his hands with an innocent face. There it was again. That pure look in Jiwon’s eyes, as if there were no ulterior motives. But my nerves, sharpened from just waking up, were operating more on instinct than reason. A somewhat unpleasant sense of déjà vu washed over me.

This pattern, repeated several times. The thought that Jiwon’s behavior was strange would creep in, and then it would be followed by that expression and tone of his. In this situation, was it really okay for me to say, ‘Oh, I see. Thanks. Should we go in now?’

No, it wasn’t. No matter how I thought about it, this was not right. Even if we were the same gender, and even if Jiwon was technically an adult… Jiwon and I were a tutor and student. I shook my head firmly.

“Still, this is… a bit much. I’m going home. …Thanks for the ride.”

“Teacher!”

“You came all the way to my school for me… I’m sorry. I couldn’t do anything for you.”

I wiped my dry face with my hands, caked with fatigue. The warmth of my hands momentarily soothed my chaotic mind. When I took my hands away from my face, I saw Jiwon’s disappointed expression. A student and a hotel, it was ridiculous. I felt bad for Jiwon, but this was the right thing to do.

“Then I’ll see you at the next lesson. …Sorry.”

“Teacher.”

As I was about to turn away, Jiwon snatched my wrist.

“Then please rest comfortably here and then leave. I’ll be the one to go.”

“…What?”

I opened my mouth slightly in disbelief. What kind of absurd nonsense was this? Just then, the chauffeur who had driven us emerged from the space connecting the parking garage and the elevator and bowed to us. Jiwon glanced at the chauffeur and whispered in a sad tone.

“I already checked in.”

“…What? Jiwon.”

“It would be such a waste… so can’t you just use it, teacher?”

Jiwon naturally took the card-shaped room key from the chauffeur and held it out to me. I waved my hands, trying not to accept it.

“No. What are you talking about, it’s fine. You use it.”

“I have plans starting from the evening. I was just planning to have a quick meal with you and then go.”

“Even so…”

“If you’re uncomfortable, I’ll just tell him to return this. Let’s just go back.”

A short sigh followed the end of Jiwon’s words. Stunned into a daze, I just stared at Jiwon’s face, then fell silent as I saw him open the car’s back door and nod his head curtly.

“Get in, teacher. I’ll take you to your home.”

“No, Jiwon. I just…”

“It’s okay, teacher. You don’t have to force yourself if you’re uncomfortable. I just… came here because I wanted you to rest comfortably… I didn’t know you’d find it this uncomfortable. I’m sorry.”

With Jiwon’s repeated apologies, my heart grew increasingly uneasy. Jiwon truly seemed on the verge of handing the room key back to the chauffeur.

If we go back like this, what happens?

I didn’t know exactly what hotel this was or how much a room cost per night, but I had a rough idea that it would run into the hundreds of thousands of won. I also knew that expensive places could cost over a million won. Of course, Jiwon probably hadn’t booked a room like that, but I knew well enough that checking in and then just leaving was a crazy thing to do.

Also, Jiwon’s slightly sulky face played a part in adding to my anxiety. He had pouted before, but this was the first time I had seen Jiwon look this angry. His face, stubbornly turned forward and not looking at me, was set hard.

Well, he could be upset. He came to hang out with me, but I just slept in the car, and when he tried to help me rest, I refused…

Of course, the fact that Jiwon came to my school without my consent and headed to a hotel was startling and even rude, but if I thought of it as something a clueless, twenty-year-old rich kid just didn’t know better about, it was also somewhat understandable.

Furthermore, hadn’t Jiwon told me to rest comfortably and that he was leaving? If he had insisted on going into the hotel room with me, that would have seemed a bit suspicious. Mulling over that part, my guard lowered a little.

After much thought, I opened my mouth.

“…Um, Jiwon. It’s not like that. I was just a little taken aback.”

“……”

“Give that to me. …You still paid for it thinking of me, so just returning it feels a bit… wrong.”

Jiwon was still silent. In response to Jiwon’s reaction, it was I who became anxious. I grabbed Jiwon’s wrist, took the room key held in his hand, and gently retrieved it. Jiwon obediently handed me the card he was holding.

Ahem, after clearing my throat, I once again stammered my thanks to Jiwon.

“Anyway, for doing all this… thank you.”

“…It’s nothing. As long as you can rest comfortably, teacher…”

Only then did Jiwon’s face brighten a little. As he looked up at me and smiled brightly, the shadow on his face had vanished. Looking at Jiwon like that, I made an impulsive suggestion.

“…Let’s go in. We came all this way together, after all. There might not be much to do inside, but… should we order something? I’ll buy the food.”

However, Jiwon shook his head with a smiling face.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll get going now. At this point, I feel sorry for making you so uncomfortable today.”

It was an unexpectedly refreshing and clean refusal. Taken aback, I awkwardly held onto Jiwon’s arm.

“No, it’s really okay. Just come in and you can also…”

“I’m okay too. Please get a good rest for me, teacher. That’s enough for me.”

It was a firm refusal that seemed impenetrable. Jiwon, who bowed his head as usual, stared at me for a moment, then suddenly raised his hand and swept it across my face. It was the exact same spot Jihyuk had touched before, so I flinched back as if I’d been burned by fire.

“…What are you…!”

But Jiwon, who had caressed my face for a fleeting moment, quickly withdrew his hand as if nothing had happened. Leaving me there with my eyes wide in bewilderment, Jiwon got into the car by himself. He closed the door with a fluid motion and then whirred the window open. The greeting he offered with a relaxed smile was the same as always.

“Teacher, I’ll see you at the next lesson then!”

“Jiwon, wait a moment…”

In the end, the car drove off without a second thought. Suddenly left alone in the hotel parking lot, I blinked blankly at the card key in my hand. It felt utterly surreal. To think I would come to a hotel I’d never been to in my life, all by myself.

And, what was that just now? Why, why my face…

After standing frozen in the parking lot for a while, I slowly began to walk. I headed toward the entrance where the chauffeur had come out from after checking in.

I cautiously got on the elevator and looked down at the card key. Seeing the first digit of the number written on it, I debated for a moment whether I should go straight to the room or to the lobby. In the end, I pressed the button for the 7th floor, as indicated on the card.

The elevator rose smoothly and then came to a stop. I carefully stepped out through the open doors and peeked around. The first thing I noticed was a luxurious scent. The hallway, with its lighting adjusted to a comfortable dimness, felt relaxing.

I hesitated for a moment in front of the room number written on the card. Having never been to a place like this in my life, I couldn’t help but hesitate. But as if to mock my worries, the door opened all too easily the moment I touched the card to the pad on the door.

“…Wow.”

A sound of admiration escaped me automatically. I swallowed hard and stepped into the room.

The cozy room had its curtains drawn, and on the bed that looked like it could induce sleep just by looking at it, dazzlingly white bedding was prepared. It wasn’t an exceptionally spacious and large room, but it was a size that seemed comfortable and nice enough to rest in alone.

I carefully opened the bathroom door right next to the entrance. Seeing the white, sleek bathtub, the sparkling sink, and the neatly folded towels, I once again let out an admiring, ‘Wow.’

I took off my shoes, unwrapped the disposable slippers, and changed into them. I walked inside wearing the soft slippers that fit my feet well. No one was here, yet I felt needlessly cautious.

This time, I opened the curtains. Unlike this place, where the air conditioner was set to a moderate temperature, a scorching heat was still pouring down outside.

“…To think I’d come to a hotel.”

Even after becoming a university student, I had never once been to one of those common motels. But a hotel. Is this situation even real? Am I really allowed to rest here?

“…Ah, whatever…”

I deliberately muttered so boldly. After carefully opening various things here and there, I found a hotel gown and let out a small laugh for no reason.

Should I try it on? I threw off the uncomfortable jeans and hat I was wearing and slipped the gown over my body. To be honest, I wanted to shower first, but perhaps due to the cozy and dim lighting, an unbearable wave of sleepiness was washing over me.

I just wanted to sleep without a single thought. Wrapping the gown that clung softly to my body, I looked at myself in the mirror in front of me. I kept letting out little laughs. To come to a place like this, to wear something like this.

As if possessed, I lifted my phone and click, took a picture. My reflection in the hotel gown looked utterly clumsy. But what did it matter? It wasn’t like I was going to send it to anyone, it was a picture only I would see. I took it thinking, when would I ever have the chance to come to a hotel again?

After taking a picture of the bed, which was as white as an untrodden snowfield, I hesitated for a moment before sending just the picture of the empty bed to Jiwon. I still wanted to express my gratitude.

[Jiwon, thank you. I’ll rest comfortably thanks to you.]

A reply came back quickly.

[Rest well, teacher.]

It even had a smiling emoji attached. Feeling much more relieved, I put my phone down beside me and sat on the bed. The feel of the bed, which cushioned my backside softly, was so good it brought tears to my eyes.

I crawled to the very top of the bed, laid my head on the pillow, and lay down. Pooof… The pillow, which sank to just the right height with a sound, was comfortable. I pulled the blanket over me and blinked my heavy eyelids a couple of times. And in less than a minute, I fell back into a deep sleep.

📖

Sleeping in a hotel for the first time in my life was as sweet as honey. I slept like a log, and when I opened my eyes, it was a dark, dusky night.

I staggered to my feet. After searching for the hotel name written on a pamphlet in the room, I learned that this place was some distance from my home and a much more expensive hotel than I had thought.

What should I do? I suddenly became hesitant. Should I just sleep here for the night? Or should I get up now and go home…

After thinking for a moment, I suddenly felt a bit futile and let out a small laugh. I slept so well during the day, what would change if I went home now? Since I was already checked in, no one would say anything if I slept here for a night. Having read the pamphlet thoroughly, I mentally noted the checkout time for tomorrow.

I went to the bathroom, took a shower, and even filled the tub with water for a bath. Soaked deep in the warm water, I stared blankly at the bathroom ceiling. The steam was forming into water droplets and dripping down. Come to think of it, I don’t know when I last went to a public bathhouse. It must have been when I was very young.

After finishing my bath, a fierce hunger finally set in. How should I solve this meal situation? I peeked at the menu labeled ‘Room Service’ and then closed it again within a second. I picked up my clothes, put them on, went out into the hallway, and took the elevator.

As I strolled out of the hotel, I saw a downtown area right next to it. Cafes, restaurants, and convenience stores caught my eye on the brightly lit streets. But my destination was already set. My feet walked into the convenience store without hesitation. As always, I picked up instant ramen and cup noodles, letting out a dry laugh.

Sleeping in a hotel, but still eating at a convenience store.

Self-pity was not for me. Whenever I was about to fall into that thick mire, I would shake myself free and escape. It wasn’t because I was a mature person. It was because I had done it so many times since I was young and knew bone-deep that I would gain nothing from pitying myself. Self-pity was an energy-consuming activity, after all.

That’s why today, too, I chose to break free rather than fall into such draining thoughts. What’s the big deal about eating convenience store food, which I eat every day, for one more day? I should be grateful that I at least get to sleep in such a nice place. Thinking that way, today’s strange experience also felt like no big deal.

With a slurping sound, I finished all the ramen, cleaned up my spot neatly, and went outside. The steps slowly returning to the luxurious hotel right in front of me still felt like a dream.

📖

—Guardian of patient Lee Seonyoung! Would a visit be possible today?

“Yes, I’m on my way right now, but what’s the matter…”

Last night, I had stayed the night at the hotel Jiwon had provided, and after checking out, I was on the subway heading to the hospital. Receiving the call on the subway, my hands trembled as I lowered my voice to ask. It was only for a short moment, but my heart pounded as if it would explode.

Never before had a call from the hospital been welcome. The hospital rarely called unless it was something very serious. This was the first time I had received a call after a patient was transferred out of the ICU.

Could it be, my mother, my mother…

—It’s good news. You can come and hear the detailed explanation from the attending physician.

But the nurse’s reply was completely different. Her voice was slightly excited. I stuttered as I asked again.

“…Could, could it be, that my mother has woken up?”

—Not completely, but she is showing a positive state.

Even though my mind was clear from having rested well yesterday, I just sat there blankly in the subway seat with the phone to my ear. It seems that immense joy can make a person freeze.

She’s showing a positive state. Not completely, but a positive state…

It was the first time I had heard those words in the years I had been caring for my mother. Of course, my mother’s condition had improved and worsened countless times, but all of that happened while she was deeply submerged in an unconscious state. Not once had the medical staff said she was ‘showing a positive state.’

Elation slowly washed over me. I wanted to stand up and shout and run around inside the subway. With a beaming smile, I turned on my phone and called Jeonghee. The signal rang repeatedly, but the call didn’t connect.

Come to think of it, am I the only one whose exams are over? Jeonghee might still be in the middle of hers. The thought suddenly occurred to me, and I hastily hung up and sent a message.

[It seems Mom’s condition has improved. Can you come to the hospital later?]

Clatter, clatter. With a quiet sound, the subway continued to run toward the hospital. This was the first time this sound had felt so heartwarming.

Yes, there’s no law that says a person has to die. As I lived diligently, good things like this happen. A smile that blossomed from deep within my chest belatedly spread across my face. The person sitting across from me glanced at me, unable to hide my beaming face, but for today, I couldn’t care less about other people’s gazes.

As soon as I arrived at the hospital, I bolted out of the elevator I had boarded. Panting, I pressed the ICU intercom and held up my ID. Once my identity was confirmed, the door buzzed open. As I rushed into the hospital room, a nurse greeted me.

Clutching my trembling heart, I went to my mother’s bedside. To others, her quietly lying figure might not have looked much different, but I was overcome with joy and exclaimed loudly.

“She’s off the respirator!”

“Yes. Your mother started breathing on her own since midnight yesterday, so we removed the ventilator, and she’s maintaining it well.”

The nurse and doctor were also smiling. My mother was still deeply asleep, but just the fact that she was off the ventilator, which made my own throat ache just looking at it, was great news.

“Not only that, her pupillary light reflex has also become larger, and she even blinked her eyes for a moment. She also twitched her hands and feet meaningfully. It’s a very positive sign.”

“Doctor, thank you. Thank you so much.”

I repeatedly expressed my gratitude in a voice full of emotion and bowed to the medical staff several times. They looked like gods.

Until now, it had seemed as if time had stopped only for my mom. To think that my mom, too, could now live in the flow of time like me. It was unbelievable.

“We still have to watch a little longer since she hasn’t fully woken up yet, but her vitals are also very stable and good. This is the best her condition has been in a while.”

“Thank you. It’s all thanks… to you doctors.”

Almost tearing up, I bowed once more to the doctor and nurse in turn. I was suddenly ashamed of my empty hands. I should have bought some drinks from downstairs… I was so busy trying to make a living that I had never once brought them snacks while asking them to take good care of my mom.

After sitting next to my mom and looking down at her face for a long time, I tucked her in well and came out of the ICU. Was Jeonghee not coming? The moment I was about to check my messages, the elevator door next to the chair I was sitting in opened.

“Oppa!”

“…Jeonghee?”

I started to stand up with a bright smile, then froze. Jeonghee’s appearance was utterly unfamiliar.

A strong scent of perfume wafted over. It was a scent I had never smelled on Jeonghee before. The glasses she used to wear were nowhere to be seen, and her face, which used to be bare, was now splendidly made up.

It was the same with her plain clothes. Jeonghee was the type who usually enjoyed wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, saying comfort was best. But today, Jeonghee was wearing a very short skirt. With every step she took, the clicking sound of her heels echoed in the hallway.

Speechless for a moment, I stared blankly at Jeonghee.

“What’s this. Are you… really Kim Jeonghee?”

“Ah, what.”

Jeonghee grumbled as if she was embarrassed and averted her eyes. I strode over and stood close to Jeonghee. It was hard to hide my surprised expression.

“No, it’s just because you’ve changed so much. How did you get so pretty?”

“What do you mean, pretty. Stop saying things like that. It’s embarrassing.”

Looking at Jeonghee, who was still unable to lift her gaze out of shyness, I smiled gently.

“You got a boyfriend, huh?”

“…I don’t know. More importantly, hurry up and tell me about Mom’s condition.”

So you really did, you little rascal… A 괜스레 heart-tugging feeling and a complex feeling arose at the same time.

Jeonghee and I had a slightly different relationship than other siblings. People usually say that brothers and sisters bicker and have no peaceful days, but perhaps because Jeonghee and I had relied on each other since we were young, we got along comfortably and affectionately, despite our small age gap.

She had never had any secrets from me until now, but now she’s really all grown up. Suppressing the sad feeling that was beginning to well up, I forced a magnanimous laugh.

“Alright. You have to tell me later, okay? Let’s see Mom first. I’ll explain everything properly after we see her.”

“Okay.”

Looking down at our mother’s face, Jeonghee held her mother’s hands tightly with a complex expression. Maybe it was because Jeonghee was here, a trick of the mind, but our mother’s expression seemed a little brighter than before.

Watching Jeonghee gaze at our mother silently for a long time, I once again recalled the events of the past week that had swirled around me relentlessly at that mansion.

If it’s to see the two of them like this, that much is bearable. Anytime. I mulled over that thought again and again, endlessly taking in the sight of my family.

📖

The sky was gloomy, as if to ask when it had ever been clear. Strangely, when I went to teach Jiwon, it was so hot you could see the heat shimmering from the ground, but on the days I went to teach Jihyuk, the weather always seemed to be foul. Though this was only the second lesson.

My steps were as damp and heavy as the weather. Dragging my heavy legs, I transferred between the subway and bus several times and headed to the mansion. Last time, I couldn’t finish the lesson properly, but today, I was determined to teach as much as I was paid for and leave. Steeling myself with grim determination, I stood in front of the door and rang the bell.

The moment I set foot in the garden, raindrops began to fall one by one. The smell of dust from the ground began to rise from all around. Sniffing slightly, I looked up at the sky. A perfect gray. It was a color that reminded me of Jihyuk’s room.

After giving a bland “Hello” to the ducks playing in the pond, I walked briskly toward the annex.

“Welcome.”

The employee who opened the door smiled brightly. I also gave a faint smile and bowed to her. If only I ran into Jiwon at times like this, the tension would be much less.

As I thought that and climbed the stairs, I realized that my last encounter with Jiwon had ended in a hotel parking lot and needlessly scratched the side of my head. It would be better not to run into him at all. Lightly reversing the thought I just had, I reached the top of the stairs and walked straight to the right.

Last time, I entered the room with Jihyuk. Standing in front of the room for the first time by myself, my heart pounded for no reason. I raised my hand, which had grown cold before I knew it, and knocked on the door.

—Yes.

I heard Jihyuk’s voice, which sounded a bit hoarse. In a timid voice, I replied, “Uh… it’s me,” and then took a deep breath. And I grabbed the doorknob and turned it.

As soon as I opened the door, I saw Jihyuk lying sprawled out on the bed. Seeing him lazing around on the bed in comfortable clothes, I quietly entered the room and closed the door. He was a world apart from Jiwon, who was always sitting at his desk in a neat posture and would stand up, smile, and greet me with a “Hello” when I opened the door.

Leaning against a high pillow, Jihyuk, who had been lying still, shot me a glance. And in that state, he greeted me.

“Hello.”

After greeting me in a low voice, Jihyuk grinned mischievously. And at the same time, he shot up. The tall body, now fully off the bed, strode toward me.

Without realizing it, I stumbled back a couple of steps from him. The air, thick with his scent, enveloped me as if it were pouncing.

“Your expression today… is much better than last time.”

Jihyuk, who had been staring intently at my face, muttered as if he were appraising me. He was so close I could feel his breath. Jihyuk’s expression as he stood right in front of me, looking down at me with just his eyes, was even more chilling today. I really didn’t know why, but today’s Jihyuk seemed disgruntled about something.

I blinked my eyes quickly and forced myself to meet his gaze.

“Um… first of all, shall we sit? Last time…”

“Teacher.”

A low voice cut me off. And then he asked abruptly.

“Did something good happen?”

What does he mean? I had no idea of the intention behind asking something like this all of a sudden.

…Did my expression look that good? My spirits were definitely up because my mother had woken up yesterday. But that shouldn’t be something to upset Jihyuk.

For a long while, I furrowed my brow slightly and tried to grasp Jihyuk’s intentions. But no matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t figure it out.

“…Um… It’s a person…al matter, but something good… did happen.”

After some thought, I answered honestly. He was probably asking because my expression looked bright, so there was no need to deny it.

At that, Jihyuk let out a small laugh. The smile, with only one corner of his mouth twisted up, was clearly tinged with displeasure.

“What’s so good?”

“……”

I was reluctant to answer readily. This was the boy who had sneered about my circumstances, talking about poverty from our very first meeting. If I were to honestly tell my story to someone like that, would he genuinely worry for my family’s well-being and be happy for me? Not a chance.

“…Just…stuff.”

“……”

“Let’s sit down and open our books first.”

I wanted to change the unbearably uncomfortable atmosphere. I deliberately turned my back to Jihyuk, walked to the desk, and put down my bag. I opened the zipper and took out the printouts we were working on last time and my pencil case.

Jihyuk strode over and plopped down on a chair. I also sat down next to Jihyuk and handed him the printout.

“Let’s try solving from where we left off last time…”

“Teacher. I’m in such a shitty mood today that I don’t think I can study, so what should I do?”

He was clearly in a foul mood. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be picking a fight like this out of the blue. Of course, Jihyuk had insulted me from our first meeting, but even compared to then, the atmosphere was distinctly different. Unfortunately, today seemed much worse. Gnawing on my lip, I asked back limply.

“…What are you ask…ing me to do.”

“Make me feel better.”

Saying something so absurdly, Jihyuk smiled faintly with just his eyes.

“You’re my teacher, aren’t you?”

Just as Jihyuk languidly finished his sentence, a knock sounded and the door opened. An employee entered holding a tray full of fruit, just like last time, placed the tray on the desk, and disappeared. Watching the employee leave in a hurry without even making a sound, I desperately felt the urge to follow her out.

Jihyuk looked at me with a blank expression and ordered.

“Open your mouth.”

“Don’…t do this today. I’ll, I’ll eat it myself…”

“Teacher.”

My effort to refuse him firmly was once again cut off mercilessly.

“I told you. I’m in a foul mood today.”

“……”

“So stop being annoying and just open your mouth.”

Although it was a rebuke mixed with irritation, I steadfastly glared at Jihyuk. I had no intention of just taking it today. I forcefully raised my eyes and enunciated each word clearly.

“Really, this is unpleasant. If you keep this up, I’m going to tell the madam. She told me last time, to let her know anytime if you make me uncomfortable…”

However, before I could finish my sentence, Jihyuk threw something down. Seeing familiar objects spread out limply on the desk, I couldn’t help but widen my eyes.

“…What is this?”

The boiling anger subsided in an instant. The space it left was filled with nothing but questions.

“…Why do you have this?”

What Jihyuk had thrown at me were the pen with my name on it and the photo of me and Taejun hyung together. Both were things I had given to Jiwon.

But the photo I had given him was cut exactly in half. Taejun hyung, who had been smiling with his arm around my shoulder, was gone. In the half-picture, there was only me. Me, smiling and holding the bouquet of flowers hyung had given me. A chill ran down my spine for a moment, but this was not the time to dwell on that.

There was no answer from Jihyuk. As if the pen and photo he had thrown were already out of his interest, Jihyuk picked up a fork. He jabbed the fork into a banana that had been neatly cut in a zigzag pattern, then tossed it back down as if he didn’t like it. Then he picked up his phone and called the employee again.

“Please bring another banana. An uncut one.”

“Yes, I understand.”

It didn’t take more than a few minutes for the employee, who bowed respectfully, to close the door, come back with a banana, and knock again. Although her expression seemed to say she didn’t know why he wanted this, the woman asked nothing and quietly left the room.

Jihyuk smiled faintly and peeled the banana. While he was nonchalantly carrying out this suspicious act, a sense of anxiety began to well up inside me. I needed to know why Jihyuk had my things, the ones I gave to Jiwon. And why he had thrown them at me. Forcibly suppressing my hammering heartbeat, I interrogated Jihyuk in a low voice.

“I asked you what this is.”

“……”

“I’m asking you what this is. Why do you have my photo, and my pen…”

“You fucking… Teacher.”

His voice, like it was scraping his throat, was clearly laced with irritation and disgust. Startled by his sharp, menacing tone, I shut my mouth. I truly didn’t know the reason, but I could feel that Jihyuk was suppressing his reason to its absolute limit right now. Instinctively sensing the ball of fire boiling beneath the surface, I kept my mouth shut and watched Jihyuk’s expression.

“Stop your yapping and just fucking open your mouth. Stop being so annoying.”

At the same time as those words, a rough left hand grabbed my jaw. It happened in such a split second that I didn’t even have a chance to resist. My eyes flew wide open as my head was tilted back, and my mouth fell open on its own. A banana, so ripe it was mushy and soft, was shoved forcefully into my mouth.

“…Ugh!”

I felt like I was suffocating. The lump of fruit pulp and the scent of the fruit that filled my mouth were so violent they blocked my throat. Instinctively, I raised both hands and clung to Jihyuk’s wrist. Tears quickly welled up in my eyes. I desperately struggled, trying my best to breathe through my nose.

But Jihyuk seemed to have made up his mind and didn’t let me go. The atmosphere was completely different from last time when he played around, pressing my tongue with a tea fork. If then it felt entirely like a prank, right now, Jihyuk was extremely angry. I could tell for sure.

“Hoo… Ugh, heuk, ha, haah…”

With a blank face, Jihyuk pulled the banana out of my mouth a little. The slightly mashed banana, covered in saliva, was drawn out in a long string. For a moment, my airway was clear, and I gasped for breath frantically. But before my ragged breathing could even calm down, the mushy, sweet thing was once again mercilessly shoved into my mouth.

“Ugh… eugh!”

“You eat so fucking well.”

The chair, which had been slowly pushed back, was now blocked by the desk. A shiver ran down my spine as I looked at Jihyuk’s face, who had trapped me between the desk and his own body.

His face was terrifyingly devoid of expression. Jihyuk held my jaw firmly with a strong grip, keeping my mouth slightly open so I couldn’t bite the banana. With his right hand, he was mercilessly pushing the banana into my mouth.

“Ugh, heuk…”

The banana jabbed deep, to the back of my throat, then was abruptly pulled back.

Gag, gag, choke, I couldn’t breathe. I thrashed my head with all my might to get the banana filling my mouth out. When the banana went in so deep it touched my uvula, my feet lifted off the ground on their own. I tried to kick Jihyuk, but his solid body easily blocked my action.

Jihyuk, who had now wedged his torso between my legs, repeated the action with a thick persistence. After shoving the banana into my mouth until it was completely mashed, Jihyuk finally pulled it out and tossed it onto the tray.

“Heok… Heok… Ugh, ugh…”

Coughing violently, I frantically tried to catch my breath. Looking at the banana thrown onto the tray, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of misery. It looked just like my own horribly crushed pride.

Frantically wiping away the tears, snot, and saliva messily smeared on my face with my sleeve, I snapped my head up. I couldn’t take it anymore. Without even fully catching my breath, I glared at Jihyuk through my blurry vision and shouted.

“What… what the hell do you think you’re doing. You really…!”

“I was just a little curious.”

“About what, what are you talking about!”

I was tired of these vague, roundabout words. I refused to be subjected to this without knowing the reason any longer. Almost screaming, I lunged at Jihyuk. I, too, wanted to know just why I was being treated like this by this boy.

However, immediately after hearing Jihyuk’s words, I couldn’t help but forget even the feeling of anger for a moment.

“I was wondering if you ate Woo Jiwon’s dick with this same fucking expression.”