NANOM Ch 33

“What is there to be thankful for. I just did what I had to do… By the way, our student Jeonghyun looks so pretty when he smiles. You should smile more from now on.”

“Yes, th-thank you.”

After taking a step out of the wide-open hospital room, I slowly turned my head before leaving the room completely. The bed where I had lain for several months was now empty.

The casual clothes I wore instead of a patient’s gown still felt endlessly awkward, but I figured I would get used to this soon enough. After letting my gaze linger inside the hospital room for a moment, I turned my head to face forward. And without hesitation, I began to walk. With steps that were slow but had a clear purpose.

📖

“Ah, I’m so full. I’ve been really craving pork cutlet lately, and I got to eat it all thanks to you, oppa.”

Jeonghee, who had finished her meal cleanly, pats her stomach and smiles with satisfaction. I, sitting across from her, also let out a small laugh as I naturally refilled Jeonghee’s empty cup with water. We had just finished a meal at a snack bar near the hospital after attending our mother’s hospital visit and a family rehabilitation program together.

“W-what do you mean, thanks to me… You… say… all sorts of things… t-to your oppa.”

“It is thanks to you. I’ve been working my butt off at my part-time job lately, so I’ve been eating nothing but triangle kimbap, you know?”

“I… told you… n-not to eat… like that.”

I tried to speak sternly, but my slow speech just sounded ridiculous. In an effort to stutter less, my speech couldn’t help but slow down on its own. However, Jeonghee seemed unfazed, as if she was now used to the tortoise-like pace of my words.

“Don’t worry. It’s just that I want to return to school quickly. Unlike you, oppa, I can’t get scholarships.”

“Y-you can do it. If you… thoroughly review… e-everything on the same… day you had class….”

“Aish, that’s such an obvious thing to say. Everything’s easy for a genius.”

Watching Jeonghee’s face as she cracked a joke and burst into laughter, I also smiled back at her. It was nothing special, but I just found myself chuckling.

Just, being like this made me happy. The recent daily routine of being able to sit across from Jeonghee and eat a meal on good terms, just like before. When I was doing that, the events of the past few months sometimes felt like a very long and drawn-out nightmare.

She said that right up until Jeonghee was admitted to the center, she had been receiving constant calls and threats from the swindler who had pretended to be her boyfriend. However, at some point, the situation changed as if a switch had been flipped. Led by strangers who appeared out of nowhere claiming to be my acquaintances, she was almost forcibly made to undergo an abortion and was admitted to the center. At the same time, she said the calls from that swindler completely stopped.

I could guess as soon as I heard it. The fact that Jihyuk had taken care of things until the very end. Jihyuk had handled matters related to me more meticulously and thoroughly than I had thought. As time passed, such traces of Jihyuk would suddenly be discovered in my daily life.

When I was first discharged, Jeonghee, who apologized with tears as soon as we met, asked me how I had been, just as I expected. But I could only vaguely mumble a reply. That I had just been tutoring, same as always. That the difficult situation had made me feel so frustrated that I started stuttering, and that I was told it would get better soon with medication. So I tried to smile lightly, saying it was no big deal.

From where I got that large sum of money to why my whereabouts had been a mystery until now, she must have been full of questions for me, but since I showed no sign of wanting to say more, Jeonghee couldn’t press any further.

It was completely different from her 모습 of a few months ago when she would arbitrarily whine and get irritated with me. Jeonghee had completely returned to being that good younger brother from before. The guilt he felt towards me still seemed heavy, and seeing that side of him sometimes made my heart ache. Even though Jeonghee himself was trying to hide such feelings and act with the same old carefree and unwrinkled attitude.

But I could tell. Even if Jeonghee did not say it in words, that this kid, too, was struggling to escape from the past that sometimes tried to swallow him.

Just as I was trying to escape from my share of the shadows, that shadow was entirely Jeonghee’s to bear, so the only thing I could do for him was to treat him as if nothing had happened, just like now. Just cheering him on in my heart from the side, and reminding him that I was a presence he could lean on at any time.

“Oppa, it was great seeing you. See you at rehab next week!”

“Y-yeah. T-take care.”

Jeonghee and I, who had taken the KTX to Seoul Station together, waved and parted ways in front of the subway station. Jeonghee’s destination was school, and mine was home. Jeonghee, who had rested for a few weeks, decided to return to the dormitory to facilitate a smooth recovery back to daily life. It was an admirable decision.

Both Jeonghee and my mother were trying their best in their respective places. Poignantly, like new sprouts pushing through the cold winter ground.

What remained now was my part. The most urgent task was to fill the void that had been empty for a long time.

Honestly, when I left the hospital, I felt at a loss. The daily life I had to build from now on was daunting enough that I had always felt it was overwhelming even before, when my body and mind were both perfectly fine.

However, despite my long absence, my place was surprisingly filled without any gaps. I had intended to pay the overdue rent first with the little money I had saved up before moving into Jihyuk’s house, but the landlord simply replied that there was no unpaid rent.

A heavy sigh escaped me, as I knew all too well who had done it. Making a mockery of my resolve that I would have to pay it all back someday, the void Jihyuk had filled could only feel desperately welcome to me in my current situation. After all, besides rent, there were many other places where money needed to be spent.

Jeonghee was scheduled to return to school for the second semester, while I was planning to return not in the fall, but for the first semester of next year. Until then, I had to save enough money to sustain my life, and also diligently receive outpatient treatment to recover my body and mind so that I could handle school life.

Once I returned to school, I planned to study as if my life depended on it, except for the tutoring sessions I would do on the side. It was common for students to enter a lab and then go on to graduate school after completing their undergraduate studies, but I could not consider such an option. My goal was to maintain a high GPA, graduate early, and then get a job with the highest possible salary at a large corporation that deals with semiconductors or displays.

In the midst of that process, I also had to be mindful of my mother’s condition. I planned to continue asking the caregiver ahjumma who had been looking after her to keep doing so, but as I hadn’t been able to see my mother for so long, I had to visit her often to reassure her and monitor her progress. Also, once her rehabilitation had progressed to a certain point, I had to bring her back to a hospital in Seoul.

The tasks I had to resolve were endlessly piled up, but I tried to tackle them calmly. The most efficient and fastest method among the things I could do would be to take on several tutoring jobs at once, but with my slurred speech, it was realistically difficult to start tutoring right away.

So, for now, I took whatever jobs I could find. At first, I even considered manual labor, but with my terribly worn-out body, it was something I could not even dream of. After compromising with reality, I started part-time jobs at a convenience store and a PC bang. Both were jobs that could be done without much talking.

Of course, both the pay and the content were different from the tutoring work I used to do, but I clenched my teeth. I had set aside the remaining six months until my return to school as a recovery period anyway, and I was determined to work hard to become fully functional within that time, no matter what.

Let’s just suffer for half a year and start tutoring from next year. Thinking that way fueled my stubbornness even more. So, I squeezed out what little money I had to attend speech rehabilitation therapy as well.

At a glance, it seemed as though everything was resolving smoothly. However, as the time I had been submerged in a deep swamp had been so intense, it was impossible for the clearly remaining scars to fade at once. The memories of the past, now bearing the name of aftereffects, would abruptly visit and torment me.

“Hey, hey, shit. Take out some more. How are we all gonna play with just this?”

“I know, right. I gotta play a quick round and then go to the study room.”

“Get lost, you bastards. Use your own money.”

A burst of laughter erupts. The voices, now quite deep past puberty, echo loudly in the narrow alley. The boys were large, but they were just a few high school students in school uniforms. Yet, here I was, startled and hiding behind the alley like a rat.

It took quite a long time to calm my heart, which was pounding as if it would burst. I, who had been obsessively chewing on my nails, stopped the act at a sudden chilling sensation.

Only then did I notice my pathetic state. My nails bitten in half, my lips stained all over with the blood that had burst from them.

How am I supposed to go back to school like this.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the telephone pole behind me. An endless sense of despair washed over me, making me feel faint.

I slowly began to move my feet, which had been frozen for a while. Fortunately, I did not have my PC bang shift today, and I was on my way home after finishing my convenience store shift. Wiping the cold sweat that had damply beaded on my forehead with the back of my hand, I trudged to the bus stop.

As I stood there blankly, looking at the number on the electronic sign that said the bus would arrive in about 10 minutes, vroom, a deafening engine sound made me turn my gaze. A few boys, sharing a couple of motorcycles, were racing down the road, making a roaring noise. My gaze was helplessly stolen by the scene.

‘Hold on tight. If you fall, you’re dead.’

A piece of some memory drops, thud, into my heart. Along with a voice that was indifferent and rough, as if sanded down with sandpaper, yet strangely imbued with warmth.

Back then, riding with Jihyuk, I thought it would not be strange if we got into an accident, it was that perilous. The sense of speed, which I was feeling for the first time in my life, was also frightening. But in that moment, ironically, I was saved. From the daily life that was shackling me. From the poverty that was choking me. From the role of a young head of the household who had never once been able to dream of a deviation.

At my words telling him to go faster, I think the Jihyuk from that time might have even smiled faintly. I held onto his waist as he accelerated, kicking off the ground even more, and we sped endlessly down the road.

It felt as if Jihyuk’s heavy heartbeat was still engraved in my body. Thump, thump, the regular, loud sound of his heart that reached my ear directly from his back might have been a small comfort and a kind of permission for me on that day.

“…Haaa.”

I let out a sigh and consciously turned my head. I shook my head slightly, deliberately shaking off the lingering afterimage.

It was always like this. Even after being discharged, Jihyuk came to mind quite often. No, it would be more accurate to say that he had completely melted into my daily life and left his traces densely everywhere, so I thought of him without fail every single day.

When I first thought of him, the most overwhelming emotion was anger. It was my choice to go to Jihyuk and say I would sell my body, so to be blunt, I had no grounds to resent him for how he played with me. However, the reason for my resentment always ended up with the note he had left behind.

If only Jihyuk had not said he liked me. If he had just played with me for fun, and abandoned me because I was no longer useful. If that had been the case, I would not have resented him this much.

At first, Jihyuk telling me he liked me, that he loved me, felt like a mockery directed at me. Not content with playing with a person, why did he have to go and mess with my emotions too? On days when I flared up with anger from within, I thought of him over and over, resenting him again and again. In the time without Jihyuk, I hated him to my heart’s content.

However, the intense and vivid hatred was gradually diluted as time went by. Very slowly.

The snow and rain that fell over time peeled away, little by little, the thick surface that covered my heart. Worn down and washed away by the repetitively falling drops of water, the inner feelings that were finally revealed showed aspects that even I could not understand.

Even I had no way to explain my own heart. But at night, before falling asleep, whenever I pulled up the covers that wrapped my chilly body, the small voice that sprouted like a new shoot in my ear was always, invariably, the same.

‘Ah, cute. I think teacher is really pretty when he’s like this.’

The low voice that sent small shivers down my stomach. The smile that crinkled his eyes whenever he looked at me and whispered like that. The corners of his mouth that would stretch out coolly whenever he grinned with a mischievous face.

‘It’s okay. Jeonghyun-ah.’

The feel of the strong arms that had unhesitatingly pulled me out whenever I was flailing and drowning in a nightmare like a pitch-black pond.

‘Come here.’

The threateningly heavy scent of his body and cologne mixed with a sharp fragrance, and the feel of hot lips that habitually landed on my forehead.

All those images of Jihyuk were replayed in my mind hundreds, thousands of times. But astonishingly, in the process of tracing and searching for Jihyuk in my mind like that, the hatred I had first felt so clearly gradually faded away.

I am not denying that Jihyuk tormented me, corroded me, and tore me down. No matter what anyone says, he ruined me.

However, at the same time, Jihyuk was also the person who pulled me out of a hell of endless despair and hopelessness. Solely for the reason that he liked me, he had done things that made absolutely no sense from a cost-benefit perspective, and that was still ongoing even now.

Jihyuk cruelly broke me, and at the same time, he rescued me and my family from the mire. He thoroughly used me, while at the same time, he willingly offered himself to be used as well. Gladly.

And I felt like I could vaguely understand the reason he turned his back and left me. Only now, after so many days and nights have passed since that night Jihyuk left me.

Jihyuk knew. The fact that he and I, at that time, were in a state where we simply could not coexist. That because we were holding sharp knives against each other’s chests, the more we embraced, the deeper those knives would plunge into me. If Jihyuk had taken just one more step closer, I would have stepped backward and fallen off a dark cliff without even realizing that I was falling.

By turning his back on me like that, Jihyuk’s desperate confession of love was finally completed.

I’ll come back. Get well soon. Because I’ll miss you a lot.

I liked you. And I love you.

Sometimes with confusion, sometimes with hatred. The words of Jihyuk, repeated so many times that they had been engraved like a tattoo, came to life once again.

After getting on the bus, I leaned my head against the window out of habit. Taking in the fine vibrations of the shaking windowpane with my whole body, I casually cast my distant gaze upon the scenery outside the window.

Where did it all go wrong? The relationship between Jihyuk and me. Was it a sick and rotten seed from the very beginning? Was Jihyuk’s feelings for me an emotion that should never have sprouted?

Then, what about me.

I slowly closed my eyes, blocking out my vision.

In a daily life that was slowly but surely and peacefully recovering, there was no reason to think of him every single day, yet why was it that I read him in every frequent moment of every day.

Rather than being purely happy seeing my family who had bloomed because of Jihyuk, why did I feel a chill in the absence of the low voice that affectionately called my name and the body heat that had swallowed me like fire.

Still asking questions to which I could find no answers, I slowly blinked my eyes.

On the way home after getting off the bus, I suddenly thought that the wind brushing against my forehead felt cool. The stuffy heat that had lasted all summer had subsided quite a bit. Soon, I would be able to greet the cool autumn nights. It had been a summer that was intensely fierce and painful at times, but it had also made me ripen firmly, like a small fruit.

However, the emptiness tightly tangled in my heart and the unidentifiable lump of feeling remained. I had hoped that the occasional downpours would sweep it all away, but in the end, they could not.

📖

“Good job. From now on, you can just… do it like this.”

“Okay.”

“Do… your homework well.”

“Yep.”

Tap, tap. With the sound, I organized the printouts and pushed them toward Daegeon. The sight of him hastily taking out and checking his phone, which he could not look at during class, while giving vague answers was so cute that a small laugh escaped my lips without me realizing.

When I playfully patted his head, he frowned, saying I was messing up his hair, yet he acted cute, asking, “It’s the day of the college entrance exam today, can’t you reduce the homework a little?” I found it so absurd that a louder laugh burst out.

“What does… the hyung-nims’ entrance exam have to do with you. And… the exam is all over by now, you know?”

“Ah, just because. It makes me feel excited for some reason. It’s a test I’ll have to take eventually anyway.”

“Stop… insisting with your weird logic. Do your homework thoroughly.”

“Tsk. Teacher is so petty.”

After I finished my slowly delivered last words and stood up from my seat without any lingering attachment, Daegeon pouted his lips and grumbled. A second-year in middle school, an age that looked nothing but adorable in my eyes.

In March of this year, along with returning to school, I mustered up the courage to find a tutoring part-time job as well. Thanks to my previous tutoring experience and my university, it was not that difficult to find a tutoring position.

I deliberately looked for a middle school student to tutor, not a high school student. Teaching a high school student was obviously better in terms of pay, but dealing with boys who were of a similar large build to me still felt overwhelming and burdensome. On the other hand, if I were to teach girls, the parents’ wariness would inevitably be high. So what I found were Daegeon, whom I was teaching now, and one other middle school boy.

The tutoring, which I started after steeling my resolve, was not as difficult as I had thought. The speech rehabilitation therapy I had been receiving diligently all this time especially shone. My speech was still slower than others, but it was not to the extent that it interfered with class. The children I had been teaching with all my heart since March were admirably following the lessons well. Although they were going through the period of storm and stress, they were good kids, and their parents were all good people as well, so thankfully, I was tutoring with a peace of mind.

However, school life was harder than I had anticipated. On the first day of the semester, I stood at the main gate in front of the school where people were pouring out like a flood, and for a long time, I could not take a single rigid step, trembling all over, before finally running away. Although it was just an orientation, my challenge on the first day of the semester was thwarted so miserably. It was a relief that I did not have a seizure.

But I had to get through it somehow. I visited the psychiatric outpatient clinic where I was consistently receiving treatment and asked them to adjust my medication. After taking a high dose of tranquilizers and taking countless deep breaths, I was finally able to succeed in entering the lecture hall.

Once I succeeded once, the next time was a little easier. After that, I attended classes with my head bowed low. As quiet as a mouse.

Even before, I had been a presence that was barely there among my peers. However, after I returned to school, my peers would sometimes whisper about me as I attended classes with a cap pulled down low like a sinner and then left as if running away. But when I did not respond at all to their curious gazes, their interest also evaporated quickly.

Woojae, too, treated me with a stiff face at first. However, I always felt indebted to him in my heart. One day, I gathered my courage and hesitantly struck up a conversation with him. That I was sorry. That I wanted to apologize for startling him last time. That it was okay if he was angry, and it was okay if he did not accept my apology, I just wanted to say sorry.

Even with my apology, which was as clumsy as a child’s, Woojae easily let go of his anger. However, I could not bring myself to answer his question about what had happened. Even so, Woojae did not get more angry with me or press me further. He just attended lectures with me and ate meals with me like before. I was sincerely grateful to him for that.

I moved my mother to a rehabilitation specialty hospital in Seoul. The rehabilitation treatment she had consistently received in Daejeon so far had been successful, and my mother was now able to walk at almost the same speed as ordinary people. Albeit with the use of an assistive device. Still, because her immunity was much lower than that of an average person and because of the continuous rehabilitation treatment she would need in the future, the doctor recommended that it would be safer for her to stay in the hospital for about three more months.

She was also able to speak, albeit very slurringly. They said that the part of the brain responsible for language had been damaged while she was bedridden, so there was a possibility it would be difficult for her to speak as fluently and smoothly as before, but they also said she could get better in the future, so the situation was quite hopeful.

Jeonghee, who had returned to school last year, was also doing well with his school life. We had promised from the beginning to meet and eat together once a week and visit our mother, except during exam periods, so I could see Jeonghee’s face regularly. The dark shadow that had been cast over Jeonghee’s face was gradually disappearing, and whenever I saw Jeonghee treating me without any wrinkles in his demeanor again, I could not hide my pleased smile.

‘Shall we go take a family photo? When mother is discharged from the hospital.’

‘A family… photo?’

‘Yeah. We don’t have a single one. Let’s take one when we bring mother home this time.’

When Jeonghee said that, I still remember the touching emotion that welled up in my chest. I probably will never forget that moment for the rest of my life. Pressing my hand firmly against my heart that had grown hot, I slowly nodded my head.

‘Yes. Let’s definitely take one.’

It felt as if my emotions would burst out and spill all over if I did not suppress them with all my might, so I barely managed to open my mouth and speak. I could not control the twitching muscles around my mouth. Yet, I repeated my words over and over. As if seeking confirmation.

‘Let me… be in it too. Me… too.’

‘Oppa. What are you talking about.’

Jeonghee smiled with a look of incomprehension.

‘It’s a family photo, so of course we have to take it together. How can we take it without you, oppa?’

My mother and Jeonghee, sitting in pretty clothes, looking straight ahead and smiling brightly like flowers. And me, standing behind them with my hand gently on their shoulders, smiling along with them so widely that all my teeth are showing.

I was happy. My heart swelled as if it might burst, and I could not control the emotion….

‘Oppa. Are you… crying right now?!’

Jeonghee’s eyes widened. I hurriedly shook my head and turned my face away. And yet, I kept smiling. Every time I slowly closed and opened my eyelids, the old memories of yearning for this moment so desperately stacked up and then disappeared without any lingering attachment.

‘N…o. Who’s crying.’

That was just a few weeks ago. In about three months, when we can bring mom home, we will be able to take a family photo. I should get it made into a large frame and hang it up at home. It’s a humble house, but it feels like that one photo will brighten it up completely.

At that thought, a smile slowly spreads across my lips. I walked toward home, stepping on the snow that had already piled up quite a bit on the ground, making a crunching sound. The snowflakes that had been fluttering since I got on the bus had become quite thick by the time I got off.

Under the pouring streetlight, kids who had dressed up to the best of their abilities chattered about something and quickly passed by me. Judging by the snippets of conversation I caught, they seemed to be students who had taken the college entrance exam today.

Watching them, thoroughly soaked in a sense of liberation, laughing and talking, I automatically recalled the memories of that day. Even if it was not the college entrance exam, on nights when snowflakes fluttered like this, thinking of that kid was an irresistible thing.

On that day, my heart had been anxious all day long. Even while attending lectures, even while eating lunch, I had waited with a nervous heart for the exam results of my students, Jihyuk and Jiwon. And when I finally heard Jiwon’s excited voice, my heart had felt at ease.

And then, curious about the last remaining result of Jihyuk, I had called him, but all I heard was the mechanical voice saying the call could not be connected.

Haa, letting out a puff of white breath, I quickened my steps. The familiar alleyway came into view. Just around the corner was the front of my house.

On that day, Jihyuk had not gone anywhere and was standing in front of my house, behind that alley. Having been hit by the snow for a long while, just as he had been waiting for me. And then he said it. That he wanted to give me a surprise.

The incomprehensible, strange Woo Jihyuk… who had rushed to me first without going to see his family or friends even though the college entrance exam was over.

My footsteps stopped for a moment without me realizing. It was the entrance to the alleyway that I had turned into thousands, tens of thousands of times without a second thought until now.

But now, as I stand here blankly staring at the fluttering snowflakes under the dimly shining streetlight, what am I hesitating about? For what reason am I unable to take a step forward?

Perhaps I am reluctant to walk into the memories of that day. No, perhaps I do not have the confidence to face the fact that the Jihyuk who is preserved as is in this scenery is actually an illusion in my head.

Taking in a white breath and then exhaling again to even my breathing, I soon scoffed at myself for being a fool.

‘What on earth is this….’

The year has already changed, and now, standing at the threshold of moving on to another new year, my feelings for Jihyuk, which even I cannot understand, are still tightly tangled in my chest. Neither last year’s heavy snow nor this year’s rainwater could wash that away.

However, after remaining in that spot for a short while, I began to walk again.

It occurred to me that the time I spent with Jihyuk would stick to me like a shadow for the rest of my life and never leave. Perhaps I will have to coexist with it for as long as I live.

No matter what happened, life has stubbornly continued, and it will continue to do so. If the memories with Jihyuk are something I must carry for the rest of my life, I will just accept it calmly.

While looking at my family, who have blossomed into full bloom, or when insomnia occasionally visits and grabs me by the ankle, whenever Jihyuk’s presence makes me fall or pulls me up in my dreams, I will think of Jihyuk. And I will once again recall his words that he would come to find me someday. With a churning heart, still not knowing whether what I am truly waiting for is his appearance or his absence.

It was the moment I thought that and slowly turned the corner of the alley.

“Teacher.”

A familiar voice called me.

“It’s been a long time.”

Under the streetlight in front of my house, Jihyuk was standing with the falling snowflakes.