NANOM Ch 31

“Not now.”

“…Huh…?”

Kim Jeonghyun’s face showed confusion at my refusal. He looked as if the sky had fallen.

You’re a patient hooked up to IVs, so it’s not okay right now. I had to explain it step by step, like teaching a child. As I chose my words, Kim Jeonghyun, with a face on the verge of tears, began pleading again.

“…Why, why…? I-I’ll do better, Jihyuk…”

“It’s not about that.”

Ha, my rough sigh made Kim Jeonghyun’s eyes widen. To keep him from panicking and having an episode like before, I looked into his eyes and spoke clearly.

“You’re sick right now, teacher. You can’t move your body carelessly.”

“B-but, but…”

“I’m saying this because I’m worried your condition will worsen, so don’t think otherwise. If you understand, stop making a fuss.”

Like soothing a child, I spoke gently and kissed his forehead. But Kim Jeonghyun’s trembling body showed no signs of calming.

“…I-I… I went out alone… s-so you hate me now? O-or am I… useless now…? I-I’ll try harder…”

“I said that’s not it. Stop it…”

His nonsense made me frown instinctively. As I tried to cut him off coldly, Kim Jeonghyun’s eyes darted anxiously, clinging to me desperately.

“I-I’ll suck you better… I’ll use my t-tongue more… I’ll take it d-deeper… I won’t gag… please…”

“Kim Jeonghyun.”

“My h-hole… any t-time… I’ll make it usable… I’ll do b-better… I’ll relax… I-I…”

His eyes reddened, tears welling up. His trembling voice matched his quickening breaths.

His once sharp, rational mind had lost all ability to think logically. In Kim Jeonghyun’s eyes, only one person loomed large. Watching him, I felt both overwhelming attachment and a boiling corner of my heart.

Kim Jeonghyun had proven his existence through sex. By eagerly sucking and opening himself, he maintained our deal. So, his desperate behavior toward me made sense.

I didn’t want to push him away. The confusion and arousal I felt for a man for the first time were so long ago they barely registered now. Just looking at Kim Jeonghyun’s body drove me wild, and when that adorable creature begged to suck me, I got hard regardless of time or place.

But I couldn’t shove my cock into the throat of a dying man. He was no longer someone I could use carelessly and discard if broken. Yet rejecting him now might trigger an episode, so I had only one option.

“Alright. Alright, fuck… forget sucking, take off your pants and lie down.”

His trembling stopped at my hoarse command. Kim Jeonghyun, calmly following my order to remove his hospital pants, seemed almost relieved. His emaciated thighs and half-erect cock were visible above the lowered pants and underwear.

I reached out and grabbed the warm, soft shaft. Glancing at me nervously, Kim Jeonghyun awkwardly spread his legs and reached to hold his ankles, dragging the IV lines with him. Holding his cock with one hand, I stopped him with the other.

“Don’t spread your legs. Just lie down.”

“…Uh, huh…?”

He looked puzzled, likely expecting me to shove something—my hand or cock—inside right away. Staring at Kim Jeonghyun, who displayed himself submissively, I licked my upper lip anxiously. I was already painfully aroused.

Instead of putting anything in his tight hole, I slowly brought my mouth to his cock. No time to hesitate for a first time. Opening my jaw, I shoved the tip into my mouth.

“Ugh, hic…! Ji, Ji, Jihyuk…!”

Kim Jeonghyun, lying tensely, jolted as if shocked, his hips twitching. The soft flesh inside his trembling thighs quivered. Holding his legs firmly, I opened my throat and pushed deeper.

“Ah, ugh, mm, ah…”

If I’d known he’d enjoy it this much, I should’ve done it sooner. That was my thought after putting a man’s cock in my mouth for the first time.

Kim Jeonghyun’s strong scent was pleasant. Even erect, his slightly soft cock now stood fully. I loved these moments when his cock stiffened under my touch. Like he was a man too. Utterly adorable.

Kim Jeonghyun, aroused and whimpering, pleaded.

“N-no… it’s t-too dirty…”

“Who says it’s dirty?”

“W-what if s-someone comes…”

“You were begging to suck me earlier, and now you’re worried. No one’s coming at this hour. Even if they do, they’ll knock and wait, so don’t worry.”

Muttering in a low voice, I slid his shaft back into my mouth. The hot cock pulsed, leaking precum. Stroking Kim Jeonghyun’s trembling stomach, I ran my tongue along the shaft, caressing its slick surface. He let out a crying ahh sound.

After a few sucks, it wasn’t bad. Sucking a cock wasn’t inherently pleasurable, but it was good because it was Kim Jeonghyun’s. His lips, cheeks, collarbone, and inner thighs all tasted good when bitten and licked, so why not his cock?

Moving my head slowly, I took the tip to the side of my cheek. With my face bulging, I glanced up at Kim Jeonghyun. The moment our eyes met, he quickly covered his face with his hand. Drool leaked from his open mouth.

“Mmm, ah, hic, Ji, Jihyuk, I’m gonna c-cum…!”

Without answering, I sucked harder, pulling upward. Kim Jeonghyun, nearly screaming, covered his mouth with both hands. His cock twitched in my mouth, and hot liquid soon burst inside.

Holding the bitter, sticky semen in my mouth made the reality of my actions sink in. It was absurdly laughable that I’d not only put a man’s cock in my mouth but let him cum in it.

Staring blankly at Kim Jeonghyun’s aroused face, I rolled the semen in my mouth and swallowed, as I’d always made him do. It was bitter, but it didn’t feel bad. Just strange. I was accepting anything of Kim Jeonghyun’s eagerly.

“Ugh, hic, mm…”

I wet a towel with warm water and wiped Kim Jeonghyun’s trembling body, still basking in the afterglow. Having swallowed every drop, there was no semen to clean, but I wiped his cock and thighs and dressed him.

Kim Jeonghyun, breathing heavily, soon fell into a light sleep. His stamina was pitifully low. But at least he hadn’t had an episode. Looking at his peaceful sleeping face, I kissed his dry cheek. Pulling up the blanket, I cursed the doctor who’d judged our relationship.

Fuck, what do they know? What do they know about me and Kim Jeonghyun? They know nothing about how I love him.

I wanted to devour his entire being, to absorb him completely. If asked why, I could only say, just because.

His face, his body, the way he ate, slept—all of it was good. His past intelligent, sexy self was good, and his current broken, doll-like self was lovable too. His docile, dazed face, his body that fit perfectly in my arms, his stammering efforts to gauge my mood—all so endearing it gave me chills.

How else could I feel this way about a man for the first time? Kim Jeonghyun awakened senses and emotions I didn’t know I had, causing a riot inside me. The heat in my heart for him showed no signs of cooling. Not until Jiwon betrayed me.

After that, I thought my feelings for Kim Jeonghyun had blackened and died. I found him pathetic, crawling back to me, saying he needed me despite his betrayal. I wanted to crush him into a fitting whore.

But as I’d told him many times, I was the real fool. Holding him countless times, feeding, dressing, and taming him to my taste, Kim Jeonghyun inevitably became precious again. The heart I’d once given him was easily surrendered again. It was inevitable.

The thrill of sadistically crushing him soon turned into nurturing affection. In that process, only one thing needed to be ingrained in his mind.

That only I could help him. That I was his only salvation.

Forcing, hitting, tying, constantly reminding him he was a filthy whore—all to make him cling to me, to realize I was his only way out.

Now Kim Jeonghyun knows that. He has no will to escape. He craves me so desperately, and I’m willing to give him everything I have. I just need to treat him less harshly. If I fix his self-harm, there’ll be no issues between us.

I reached to touch his sleeping face but withdrew. I didn’t want to wake him from his hard-earned sleep. Praying he’d rest well, I pulled the blanket higher.

📖

Bang! I slammed the empty pantry door shut. Rushing out with urgent steps, I headed to the lounge. A few nurses were already hurrying out, having checked it.

Turning with a grim face, I headed back to the room. Other nurses were checking the other patients’ rooms. My personal staff, contacted, were guarding the hospital entrance.

Kim Jeonghyun was gone.

I’d stayed in the room 24/7, so I never imagined this could happen. Exhausted from over a week of sitting by his bedside, sleeping only a few hours at a time, was the problem.

I’d given him his evening meds, helped him shower and brush his teeth, and confirmed he was sleeping peacefully. Listening to his steady breaths, I lay beside him on the wide bed, hoping to catch a couple hours of sleep as usual. Next to his warm body, my consciousness faded quickly, sinking into a dark, deathlike sleep.

How many hours passed? A gut feeling I’d slept too long jolted me awake in the middle of the night. Reflexively, I reached beside me. The texture and sensation I expected weren’t there. Every nerve in my body sharpened instantly.

“…Fuck…”

My low voice growled like a beast. Bloodshot eyes scanned the room as I rushed out, alerting the nurses at the station and starting the search for Kim Jeonghyun. I called my standby staff to scour the hospital grounds and guard the entrance.

My burning eyes widened. My steps grew faster, rougher. I flung open the bathroom door. If he wasn’t here, I’d search every floor.

“Kim Jeonghyun. If you’re here, answer. Kim Jeonghyun!”

Despite the chilling silence, I opened each stall door. The anxious afterimage haunting me grew larger. Cursing myself to stop the shitty thoughts, my trembling hand shook as I opened doors.

The first and second stalls were empty, with only white toilets inside. As I reached the last stall, the door rattled, poorly locked.

My head cleared instantly. Kicking the door with a loud crash, it shook as if it would fall. A few more kicks broke the lock, sending it flying. As I flung the door open and stepped in…

“Ugh… sob… mm…”

There was Kim Jeonghyun, crouched in the corner, clutching his head. Curled up like a caterpillar, soaked in blood from where he’d pulled out his IV, he was crying. In his hand was a fistful of partially opened syringes. Seeing him, I felt like I’d lose my mind. My head felt like it was exploding.

“Fuck… what the hell are you doing here?”

“Ugh… sob, mm…”

Barely, just barely, suppressing my raging anger, I asked. But Kim Jeonghyun was still trembling in fear, unable to meet my eyes, making strange whimpering sounds.

My thin patience snapped. Kneeling on one knee, I grabbed his shoulders, gritting my teeth and asking again.

“What are you doing here?”

“Ji, Ji, Jihyuk… s-sorry…”

“Why did you come here in the middle of sleeping? I’m asking you!”

My thunderous voice echoed sharply in the bathroom. Kim Jeonghyun, visibly startled, covered his face with both hands. Seeing his violently trembling body, I cursed myself as an idiot. Ha, my sigh shattered into pieces.

I had to calm down. I couldn’t keep provoking him.

Breathing heavily, I took five deep breaths to quell my anger. At least, fuck, Kim Jeonghyun was alive. That was enough. So no more…

My heaving chest gradually calmed. I couldn’t repeat yelling at an unstable patient like a lunatic. Forcing my excitement down, I spoke in a suppressed voice.

“…Teacher.”

My hoarse, subdued voice sounded rough. Kim Jeonghyun, still curled up and trembling, didn’t respond.

“Look at me. Lift your head.”

“…”

“…I’m sorry for yelling. I didn’t mean to scare you. So… stop trembling.”

“…Uh, huh…?”

I had to soothe him gently. With a little pressure, Kim Jeonghyun seemed like he’d break and never recover. So I said something I’d never said to anyone.

Kim Jeonghyun, trembling with his head down, flinched and looked up. His expression showed disbelief at my apology. I hugged his head silently, patting his shoulder. Waiting for his breathing to stabilize, I asked again.

“Why… are you here like this? What’s all this?”

“…”

“Not going to talk?”

Pointing to the clearly torn-open syringes, I asked. Still glancing nervously, Kim Jeonghyun lowered his head again when asked about them.

I waited in silence for a long time. Unable to speak, just twitching his lips, Kim Jeonghyun finally stammered after a while.

“…In, in a d-dream… my chest was so tight… so…”

“…”

“S-so I wanted to s-scratch it out… just thought about it… but then I saw the n-nurse’s cart in the hall… and grabbed a handful without thinking…”

“…”

“…And when I o-opened my eyes, I was here… I was going to leave when I heard your v-voice… but you were searching so s-scarily…”

Listening to his subdued, trembling confession, I was dumbfounded, my vision blurring.

‘…Fuck.’

The sigh I’d buried in my chest escaped uselessly. I rubbed my eyes roughly with my palm. In the dark, I closed my eyes tightly, then opened them.

“…Come here. I’ll hold you.”

“…”

“Let’s go back and sleep.”

“Uh, okay… th-thank you…”

His stability came first. Despite my inner turmoil, my low voice came out calmly. At my fully restrained tone, Kim Jeonghyun visibly relaxed. Nodding, he entrusted his body to me.

I carried his frail body back to the room. Nurses exiting the room widened their eyes at Kim Jeonghyun. As I laid him on the bed and wiped his blood-crusted arm, the medical staff returned, reconnected his IV, and administered a sedative.

After they left, silence filled the room again. Kim Jeonghyun, who’d watched everything silently, stammered.

“Ji, Jihyuk…”

I looked at him quietly. With a face about to burst into tears, he spoke.

“I-I’m sorry… for being such an i-idiot…”

“…”

“…I’m sorry… s-so please… d-don’t abandon me…”

His words made the emotions I’d suppressed surge violently. Ha, a laugh escaped but faded quickly, blocked by a massive lump in my throat.

My head kept cooling. I thought I was doing everything I could. But the result…

The fear that he’d escape somewhere I couldn’t reach melted away uselessly, like a sandcastle collapsing under waves.

It wasn’t enough to watch him when he was awake. He was now harming himself unconsciously.

If there had been a knife or scissors on that cart instead of syringes. Or if Kim Jeonghyun had wandered outside the hospital without realizing…

It wasn’t just about removing sharp objects anymore. To someone unconsciously trying to kill themselves, anything could be a tool. Even the IV line, the laces in his shoes.

While foolish Kim Jeonghyun didn’t notice, his unconscious was steadily, persistently running toward death. He begged not to be abandoned, saying he couldn’t live without me, but in truth, he was slowly backing away, eyes fixed on me, toward a cliff with a gaping, monstrous maw.

If I took a step forward…

Kim Jeonghyun would take two steps back. Still begging not to be abandoned.

I couldn’t ignore the obvious outcome. Swallowing the hot, rising heat, I spat out.

“…Kim Jeonghyun.”

“Uh, huh…?”

“…If I.”

My suppressed voice sounded strangely foreign. Forcing out words stuck in my chest, I continued.

“If I’m gone… would that make things better?”

“…W-what…?”

“If I fucking disappear from your sight, would that shitty tightness in your chest get better?”

Kim Jeonghyun’s eyes widened, as if he’d heard something unthinkable. Endless confusion filled his wavering gaze.

“W-what… what are you saying?”

“…”

“…Ji, Jihyuk. I c-can’t. Without you…”

His trembling lips gave the trained response instantly. His emaciated, IV-laden hand reached out urgently, grabbing me as I stared silently. Clinging desperately, Kim Jeonghyun shook his head.

“Ji, Ji, Jihyuk… d-don’t abandon me. I can’t… without you…”

Tears filled his eyes instantly. Drip, tears rolled down his cheeks as he pleaded desperately.

Even now, Kim Jeonghyun was probably thinking only of his damn precious family. That’s likely the only reason he clung to me. Fuck, I knew that, but still… seeing him beg so earnestly felt like someone was stomping my heart into the ground.

“…Your mother, your sibling. I’ll take care of them like now, so don’t worry about that.”

“…”

“…Just answer this. Would you be better off without me?”

Kim Jeonghyun looked shocked by my question. His open mouth didn’t close for a long time. I stared at him silently, waiting to the end.

I thought I’d never ask such a question. But I had to.

The more I held him, the deeper the knife in Kim Jeonghyun’s chest sank. No matter how much money, effort, or indescribable emotions I poured in, I couldn’t pull it out. Maybe I was the one who plunged it in.

Before the rusty, blood-crusted blade buried itself completely, leaving only the handle, before the fragile thread Kim Jeonghyun clung to snapped, I had to step back. The one who needed to retreat now wasn’t him, but me.

Yet I secretly hoped he’d say no. That he couldn’t live without me. Because I was selfish to the end, I waited for him to say it.

But Kim Jeonghyun gave no answer in the end. He only let hot tears stream down his cheeks. The heavy, sticky silence felt like a needle piercing through. While Kim Jeonghyun hung his head without a word, the silence he maintained stabbed mercilessly into my chest.

“Ji, Jihyuk, Jihyuk…”

“…Yeah.”

“I’m s-so tired… let me s-sleep…”

It was long after, time dragging on without measure, that he pleaded with a vacant expression. Perhaps due to the sedative, Kim Jeonghyun’s eyelids were slowly drooping.

Without a word, I held him and laid him on the bed. Kim Jeonghyun, accepting my touch obediently, lay down, blinking slowly, drowsily, before quickly withdrawing his hazy gaze.

Soon, steady breaths escaped him. As I reached to tidy his disheveled hair, his tightly closed lips trembled slightly and parted heavily. Then, a faint voice spoke.

“…I want to go back…”

Without stuttering, he said it clearly.

“…To before I met you…”

“…”

“…To when nothing had happened.”

I couldn’t tell if he was awake or wandering in a dream. But one thing seemed certain. The words Kim Jeonghyun just uttered were the truest I’d heard from him in who-knows-how-long.

Having said them, Kim Jeonghyun slipped into deep sleep, as if he’d spoken all he needed to. His face looked unburdened. Unlike the miserable, stammering figure begging me with his body, he finally seemed free.

To me, his words sounded like a final warning. That only one step remained. His peacefully sleeping face was telling me that if I didn’t step back now, these would be the last words he left me.

‘He needs to completely escape the stressful situation. For at least one or two years.’

The psychiatrist’s words, spoken while glancing nervously at me, resurfaced. The words I’d scoffed at, telling him to shut up, now cast a heavy shadow in my heart.

One or two years? A bitter laugh escaped. Ridiculous. If I, as a presence, were removed from Kim Jeonghyun for that time, he might improve temporarily. But the scars from the wounds I’d carved into him would never fade.

Unlike what Kim Jeonghyun wanted, he couldn’t return to a time when nothing had happened. It was too late for that. And I didn’t want him to live forgetting me. The marks I left had to remain on him in some form. From the moment I broke him beyond repair, I had no intention of letting him go. From the moment he met me, he was meant to take only what I gave him. Even if that was my absence.

But that was only possible if Kim Jeonghyun didn’t fall off the cliff and kept breathing.

Right now, just seeing my face made him have episodes, fleeing into the abyss. If I greedily clutched him tighter, he’d slip through my fingers like smoke, like air, flying to something I could never reach.

I sat motionless, staring at Kim Jeonghyun’s face until dawn broke faintly. My bloodshot eyes captured his face over and over. His etched image remained even when I closed my eyes. No, truthfully, since I started loving Kim Jeonghyun, his face had never once faded.

Small noises began outside. Nurses making rounds, signaling morning. I rose heavily, looking down at Kim Jeonghyun’s face.

It was time to give. Not the useless things I held tightly, but the one thing I had to give Kim Jeonghyun now.

“…Jeonghyun.”

My hoarse voice called the pitifully broken man before me.

“Don’t run too far.”

I can’t catch you. Muttering, I gently brushed his face, careful not to wake him.

“…Stay well. I’ll come back.”

It’d be a short time compared to the future we’d share, but I’d miss him terribly. I might die from wanting to see this face. With a bitter smile, I said it.

Smack, a kiss landed on his forehead. The same kiss I gave him daily. Lingering with sticky, heart-shattering reluctance, I kissed him a few more times. On his trembling eyelids, his pretty nose, his parched lips.

“I loved you, teacher. From long ago… so much.”

I confessed, knowing no reply would come. Laughing softly at how absurd it felt. Realizing only now, as I had to let him go, that this was what I’d most wanted to tell Kim Jeonghyun. It was so obvious in me that I’d never expressed it to him, and that regret drove me mad.

“Right now, I love you.”

“…”

“So get better soon.”

After one last kiss, I turned without hesitation. The new caregiver would arrive in a few hours, but I still called my staff to watch the room closely. Walking away from the hospital, the spring dawn, though vibrant, felt cold and sharp.

Just before the sun fully rose, the crimson morning, brimming with life, began the day vibrantly, contrasting my darkening inner world. Hoping spring’s budding vitality would reach Kim Jeonghyun, I moved farther and farther away from him.