NANOM Ch 30

‘…Well done, my son.’

The scenery and the voice in my ears were deeply familiar. At the same time, they felt strangely foreign, but they were things I could never forget. They had simply faded from being unseen and unheard for so long, lingering inside me like faint embers.

‘You’re the best, my son. At this rate, won’t you end up at Korea University?’

It was my mother’s voice, just before the accident. And it was the scenery of the home where the three of us lived happily together.

Mother always came home with a face worn out from exhaustion, but when I showed her a perfect test score, she’d smile brightly, as if forgetting the day’s fatigue. Wanting to keep seeing that smiling face, I’d come home from school, lie on my stomach, and diligently do my homework. After finishing, I’d review what I learned the previous day and preview the next day’s lessons. Over and over, repeatedly.

‘I’m going to Korea University and make sure Mom lives in luxury.’

‘Oh, listen to our clever Jeonghyun!’

Mother would joyfully stroke my head, so I often said things like that. The warmth of her hand brushing through my hair felt so good. She frequently stroked my head like that while I lay doing my homework. Endlessly.

‘Jeonghyun.’

As I focused on solving a problem, I heard her call me. Deep in calculations, I absentmindedly replied, ‘Yes, Mom.’

‘…’

But no voice followed. Having finally solved the problem I’d been wrestling with, I lifted my face, beaming with a smile, to show Mother. I wanted to brag to her. It was a problem even my older peers couldn’t solve, but I…

‘…Mom?’

But the spot where my eyes landed was empty. Just moments ago, she’d been sitting by my side, gently stroking my head, but now she was gone. Shocked, I threw my pencil down and jumped up.

‘Mom! Mom!’

No matter how loudly I tried to shout, no sound came out. Even if I stammered like an idiot, even if it was just a simple scream, I wanted to make some noise. But it was as if a massive boulder was lodged in my throat, blocking any sound, even a small groan.

This couldn’t go on. I desperately longed for something sharp, like when I’d clawed at my chest before. I raised my fist to pound my chest, but at that moment, my eyes snapped open.

‘…Gasp. Pant. Huff…’

Was it a dream? The scene of my childhood, waiting quietly with Jeonghee for Mother to come home, doing homework and eating dinner on our own, shattered in that moment.

Instead, the space Jihyuk had given me came into view. A half-open curtain. Dust floating slowly. Sunlight streaming through the gaps.

And, through the mirror by the bed, the pitiful, pathetic sight of myself.

A being confined like a dog, existing only to give my body to Jihyuk, doing nothing else.

It was a dream more painful than a nightmare. Clutching my aching chest, I exhaled slowly. A desire, buried for so long, tore at my heart.

I missed Mother.

I wanted to see with my own eyes the mother who’d recovered enough to walk on her own two legs.

Once that thought surfaced, no matter how I tried to push it down, it wouldn’t sink. It could no longer be suppressed or hidden. If I didn’t act on this thought staring me in the face, I felt I’d die.

My body, which had always lain helplessly, rose as if possessed. By sheer luck, Jihyuk had replaced the chain with the old collar just yesterday. That was because, except for greeting him at the door, I hadn’t left this room and had suppressed the urge to pound my chest, staying obedient.

Thanks to that, removing the collar was easy. It wasn’t for restraint but for humiliation and submission, so it came off effortlessly. Without hesitation, I walked to Jihyuk’s room, opened the drawer, and rummaged through it. I found an envelope stuffed with 50,000-won bills.

With uncertain hands, I picked out exactly two. How much was a train ticket? It had been so long since I’d bought one on my phone and ridden a train that it didn’t feel real. If I could just get to the station, I’d figure out how to buy a ticket. With my reason clouded like milk diluted in water, I could think of nothing but my destination.

I rushed to the dressing room, found my clothes, put them on, and threw on a jacket. Carefully tucking the two bills into my pocket, I anxiously checked the clock.

Eleven o’clock. Today, Jihyuk’s classes ended late in the afternoon. Since I had to greet him on time every day, even if I’d forgotten the price of a train ticket to Daejeon, I remembered his return schedule by day.

If I hurried now and saw Mother’s face from a distance, I could return without Jihyuk noticing.

With that thought, my body moved on its own. A body that had moved only like a puppet under someone else’s will. Choosing to move, walk, and leave this house, I felt the blood that had been still in my body slowly start to flow. I put on my shoes and reached for the front door. With a click, it opened far too easily. I’d never gone out without Jihyuk’s permission. I’d come here on my own, begging for a deal, so I couldn’t go out, but it wasn’t exactly confinement either.

It was so unfamiliar. The spring breeze tickling my nose. The trees, fully green with new buds. While I’d been preserved like a bare tree, the outside world had recovered from the harsh winter, reviving and coming alive.

But I had no time to leisurely admire the scenery. My heart raced. I’d never been out alone before, so no one was watching me, but I had to get back before Jihyuk returned from class. Even in my disoriented state, that fact was crystal clear. Rushing out of the apartment complex, I barely managed to catch a taxi.

“Where to?”

“…Um, S-S-Seoul…”

“Huh? Can’t hear you, kid. Speak up.”

“…S-Seoul Station… to catch a KTX…”

The driver, who kept prodding me, glanced at me through the rearview mirror. The more he did, the lower my head sank. Though middle-aged, his gruff male voice felt threatening enough.

After a long drive, the taxi finally stopped at Seoul Station. Paying with a bill and taking the change, I hurriedly searched for the KTX ticket counter. My body, which had lain idle all day, already felt like waterlogged cotton. Just walking this much made my calves tight and my legs tremble.

I managed to buy a ticket to Daejeon and anxiously checked the clock. It was just before noon, and luckily, I boarded the 12:10 train without issue.

The midday train was nearly empty, and I collapsed into a seat in an almost deserted car. I thought I’d become a complete idiot, but I could still do this. Staring out the window at the platform speeding away, I thought to myself.

The fact that I’d snuck out without Jihyuk knowing felt surreal, like a dream. Catching my breath, I gazed blankly at the bright sunlight, the trees whizzing by, and the lively human scenery outside. But the brief swelling in my chest from the view was soon overtaken by creeping anxiety.

What if I couldn’t get back before Jihyuk?

Did I come out for nothing… Should I have stayed put…

Only then did I realize how reckless it was to come this far just to see Mother. I’m crazy. Completely crazy… As regret hit, my breathing quickened.

My vision blackened. Gasp, clutching my nearly healed chest, I grimaced in pain. As cold sweat beaded on my forehead, someone called out to me.

“Sir, are you okay?”

A train attendant looked at me with concern. Like cold water poured over me, my mind cleared slightly. Gasp, gasp, my breathing slowly calmed. Shaking my head, I bowed.

“N-no… I’m f-fine…”

“Sir…? Is your chest bothering you?”

“No, I’m… I’m okay.”

The attendant moved away as I refused help. I’d drawn some attention, but thankfully, I hadn’t had a full-blown episode. My anxiety-ridden chest was slowly regaining stability.

It seemed better to close my eyes. In the forced darkness, I held my breath like a person erased from the world and made it to Daejeon. Hearing the announcement for Daejeon Station, I opened my eyes, rushed out, and took another taxi.

Arriving at the hospital, I stood still, staring at the building bathed in midday sunlight. Last year, I’d come and gone like it was my home, but now it felt like another world. My heart pounded faster. Pressing my chest with my fist, I mustered courage and entered.

I rode the elevator, automatically pressing the floor where Mother was. No matter how much of an idiot I’d become, I couldn’t forget that. The floating sensation stopped, and the moment the doors opened…

“…!”

Through the gap, I saw, astonishingly, Mother walking slowly down the hall from a distance.

Leaning on a walker, assisted by a caregiver, Mother moved like a snail, so slowly. It was closer to standing still than walking. But to me, it looked like a miracle, like someone walking on water.

Unable to believe the reality before my eyes, I covered my mouth with the hand that had been pressing my chest. Mother, bedridden for nearly a decade, was walking. Everyone who knew us said she was holding her kids back and should pass on, yet here she was, alive, walking before my eyes…

“My, you’re doing so well today. Your condition’s better than yesterday, isn’t it? You look brighter too.”

The caregiver’s cheerful voice rang through the hall. She encouraged Mother loudly, carefully tending to her side.

“Why so full of energy today? Is your son coming to visit?”

“…”

“Oh, gosh, what a silly thing to say…”

She trailed off, embarrassed, and resumed supporting Mother’s arm as they walked slowly. I stood frozen like a statue, watching from inside the elevator.

Being a patient elevator, the doors closed slowly. But I wanted to see her one more time before they shut. Greedily, I pressed the open button again. The heavy doors, about to close, opened again.

Meanwhile, hot tears streamed down my cheeks. Drip, drip. My vision blurred, obscuring Mother. I hurriedly wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

It was heartbreakingly beautiful. The flower I’d helped bloom.

I wanted to run to Mother. To apologize for coming so late, to ask how she could be walking. To tell her how incredible it was that she’d overcome those years, that weight. To say she’d been through so much… I wanted to collapse before her, crying.

The intense urge nearly moved my feet. But then, my eyes caught the mirror on the elevator wall. In that moment, my steps toward Mother halted.

“…”

Bloodshot eyes stared back at me. The chest, scarred from my own scratching and beating, and the dark marks on my neck, like tattoos, couldn’t be fully hidden by my jacket, let alone my perpetually wrecked face.

Anyone would be shocked by my gaunt, haggard face. Woojae had been. The lips and neck, obsessively bitten and marked by Jihyuk, were especially striking. I looked like a cheap toy for men.

I couldn’t go to Mother like this. I couldn’t show her this. Never.

Showing myself would only disrupt her peaceful recovery. If my greed to see her caused her to collapse from shock…

…I had to go.

This was enough. I’d only meant to see her from a distance anyway. I’d seen her doing well with my own eyes, so that was enough.

Comforting myself, I shakily pressed the close button. As the doors were about to shut, the caregiver’s voice shouted through the gap.

“Hey, isn’t that your son?!”

My heart pounded like a fish yanked onto land. Mother hadn’t seen me. The doors closed, and the elevator descended before she could spot me, and I was so, so relieved. Unable to stop the streaming tears, I stood alone in the elevator, dazed.

“My, it’s spring, but with the late cold snaps, it’s still chilly. Why go out in such thin clothes…”

Ding, the doors opened. A patient with an IV pole and their guardian, talking as they boarded from the first floor, froze upon seeing me. Noticing their glances at my face, I thought again how lucky it was that Mother hadn’t seen me.

Yes, I’d seen Mother healthy, so I had no regrets. I still had enough money for the fare, so I could return to Jihyuk as if nothing happened. Nothing happened. Everything was fine. So, so…

…But my chest felt so tight, I thought I’d die.

“Gasp, pant, huff…”

Breathing frantically, I clutched my chest and bolted out of the hospital. Rushing into a nearby convenience store, I grabbed the thing I desperately needed without hesitation.

“I’ll ring you up…”

The cashier paused as they took the item. But I had no time to linger. If I didn’t dig out and remove what was blocking me, I’d suffocate and die.

With trembling hands, I pulled out a bill from my pocket and handed it over. Without waiting for change, I grabbed the item and ran out. I was so unsteady, trembling so much that passersby turned to look.

Even in my state, I remembered I shouldn’t do this in front of people. When Jihyuk saw me last time, he’d been shocked and angry. If even he, who never showed such reactions, responded like that, others might drag me to the police.

With that thought, I hurriedly found an empty alley. Relief washed over me in the secluded space. Raising my shaking hand, I tore off the wrapping. Seeing the sharply honed blade, a thrilling rush surged through me.

Yes, this would do. So sharp, it could surely dig it out.

I aimed the blade at my chest. With an unhesitating hand, I thrust it in. The blade tore through my clothes and sank mercilessly into my skin.

“…Ugh!”

A scream welled up inside. It hurt. So much that my vision blackened. The blade hadn’t even gone in a finger’s width, yet the pain was incomparable to anything Jihyuk had done.

But I couldn’t stop digging. Only when my shirt began to stain with blood did I feel the choking sensation in my throat ease slightly.

An inexplicable euphoria enveloped me. This foolish body, unable to eat or sleep without Jihyuk’s permission, was now mine to wield as I pleased. That fact made me happy. Even as I pulled out the shallowly embedded blade and aimed it again, I didn’t realize I was smiling broadly.

Just one more time. Muttering that, I drove the blade deeper. If I could thrust it far inside and stir, wouldn’t it feel even better?

A far greater pain crashed over me like a tidal wave. Gasp, gasp, blood gushed with each breath. The exhilarating rush now blurred my vision. Staring at the blood dripping onto the ground, I stopped my hand.

Dizzy.

Why was I so dizzy?

Blinking slowly, I tried to focus. The blockage in my throat was gone, so I needed to move. I had to catch a train, return, and wait for Jihyuk as if nothing happened. But sudden fear surged.

What if he got mad because I couldn’t resist and cut my chest again?

Jihyuk had been angry that my chest wounds wouldn’t heal. So, no matter how tight my chest felt, I’d resisted hitting it. But today, I couldn’t hold back and did this.

“…”

Only then did I face what I’d done with a dazed gaze. A bloodied knife in my hand, my chest soaked in red. I was even in Daejeon, far from Jihyuk’s house. Like a child who’d wrecked a home, I stared blankly at the scene.

What do I do? If Jihyuk gets angry…

My heart started pounding. From a heavy, low beat, it thumped slowly, scattering anxiety through my body. Overwhelmed by the mind-eating fear, I floundered, clutching the knife.

What do I do now? How do I go back… I should catch a taxi. No, my clothes are blood-soaked, so I need new ones first. But why am I so dizzy?

My steps staggered. Blood dripped with each step, staining the ground red. As I thought my vision was shaking badly, a thud flipped my sight.

My mind and body were completely disconnected. My mind screamed to get up, change clothes, and return to Jihyuk, but my heavy body welcomed the sudden rest.

Before my eyes was a blue sky. Clouds spun endlessly in the clear heavens. Staring blankly, I felt like a lonely bird flying without a destination or end.

I was lying under a sky I’d come to on my own, bleeding from a wound I’d made. My body was too exhausted to move, but paradoxically, I was soaring. Strangely, the smile on my face wouldn’t stop.

I’d made the flowers bloom. So…

Wouldn’t it be right for the rotten fertilizer to vanish without a trace?

For the first time, that thought struck me.

If I could just fly freely in the open sky, without anyone’s oppression, responsibility, or duty. If I closed my eyes, it would all end. Folding my wings and falling would be scary, but afterward, I’d feel nothing.

It was a temptation as sweet as the fruit offered by a serpent. Rest was what I’d craved most but had suppressed, burdened with guilt.

“Ha…”

My panting breaths were red. Cough, cough, tiny blood droplets sprayed with each cough. With arms spread wide, I stared blankly at the sky. The cold ground soaked my body, but it didn’t feel uncomfortable.

I wanted to close my eyes. It would be easier. But a faint feeling rising in my chest desperately kept me conscious, urging me to stand.

Because I lacked the courage to die? No. My life was already too broken to be called a life. Even though I’d become an idiot who stammered and flinched at people, I knew I was broken. Lying on the cold ground, staring at the sky, death wasn’t threatening to me.

Yet.

What rose fiercely, bursting through my torn skin, was something I’d never let go of, even living as a pathetic, tearful wretch.

I couldn’t believe it. Seeing its clear, vivid form, I was dumbfounded. I still had this? I was still thinking this…? I thought it had vanished with my crushed, trampled, torn-apart self. I thought it was long gone.

But no.

I’d never let it go, not once.

“…Ha…”

A weak, groan-like laugh spread across my face but soon faded.

The strength that had sustained me was the desire to see my family bloom like spring flowers, eating, laughing, walking, and running. The wish to protect those I loved. That will, even death, with its seductive call, couldn’t break.

Acknowledging it, I hated my foolish, uncalculating self even more. Jihyuk was right—I was a stifling person. He was right that I was stubbornly, foolishly attached to my family.

But I had to see it with my own eyes. Their smiling faces. My doubt about whether I’d belong in that scene stemmed from my deep desire to be there.

Yes, I didn’t just want to watch—I wanted to stand with them, holding Jeonghee’s hand behind Mother, smiling broadly like in a family photo.

That’s why, while with Jihyuk, I never once wanted to die. The will I thought had vanished was a rock rooted deep inside, unyielding no matter how much someone shook me.

What I’d clung to despite being utterly destroyed was my will to live.

No one could ever take that from me.

“…Ugh, sob…”

So I couldn’t stay here forever. I would return. Even if I staggered, I’d rise and go back to Jihyuk’s house. I’d give my body to him endlessly, over and over. To live. To smile.

I have to go.

Like a robot programmed with a command, I twitched and prepared to get up. But my trembling wrists could barely support my body.

Gritting my teeth, I tried to rise, but with a thud, I collapsed again. My vision started to blacken. The familiar signs of fainting, which I’d experienced countless times, were now tiresome.

No, I can’t lose consciousness here…

But my utterly depleted strength kept breaking my body down. Because I’d hidden deep in this alley, no one saw me. Even if I wanted to call for help, no sound came out.

Thud, the cold chill of the ground seeped into my body again. As my heavy eyelids rapidly covered the world, a familiar voice sharply pierced my eardrums.

“…Jeonghyun! Kim Jeonghyun! …Snap out of it, …open your eyes…”

Squeezing out my last strength, I half-lifted my eyelids. Before me was Jihyuk’s fiercely contorted face.

I’m sorry…

I tried to spit out an apology automatically, but no sound came. My lips only twitched faintly before I lost consciousness with a thud.

📖

The white mist from the humidifier dissipated aimlessly in the air. In the spacious, comfortable hospital room, reminiscent of a hotel, Kim Jeonghyun’s face looked especially small.

I stared at his face blankly before turning away. My gaze, stuck like adhesive tape, was hard to peel off.

Another sigh, now a habit in place of cigarettes, escaped me. I roughly rubbed my face with my coarse hand. Having stayed awake as long as Kim Jeonghyun slept, my nerves grew thinner and more sensitive with time.

It had been three days since Kim Jeonghyun was admitted to this room.

As the sun set and rose repeatedly, the last image of Kim Jeonghyun played in my mind. Kim Jeonghyun, soaked in blood, collapsed alone in a secluded alley. If he’d gone to Daejeon to see his mother and quietly returned, fine, but instead, he tore open his healed chest and lay on the cold ground.

I let my guard down. I had to admit it. I never thought Kim Jeonghyun would leave the house. He’d crawled to me, begging to be taken in. I hadn’t locked him up, and he’d never stepped out on his own. Above all, Kim Jeonghyun had always pleaded not to be abandoned.

Thankfully, I’d put trackers in all his shoes, just in case. If I hadn’t, just imagining it made my face contort and my fists clench.

Was he trying to give up and run away this time?

That’s what I thought, seeing him lying on the street.

But in the car to the hospital, Kim Jeonghyun’s faint, squeezed-out words were entirely different. He said he was sorry, begged for forgiveness, said he’d go back home, and pleaded not to be abandoned…

I couldn’t understand him at all. It was as if he were some alien creature from beyond the universe.

If he’d tried to kill himself out of despair over his situation, or if he’d impulsively tried to escape far away, I might have understood. Anyone would avoid pain and seek comfort.

But Kim Jeonghyun was unlike any human I’d ever met. He wasn’t an ordinary person following typical instincts. I’d never considered the possibility that someone could act like this, so stubbornly, so foolishly.

Kim Jeonghyun was an unsolvable puzzle to me.

“…Idiot.”

My low voice grated on my nerves even more. After stroking his forehead repeatedly, I let my rough palm drop with a thud.

I slowly rose from my seat. My legs, which had been still like stone by his bedside for hours, felt strange. After a few steps, I went to the attached bathroom and washed my face. Rubbing my face with cold, gushing water, I glanced into the mirror.

My eyes were bloodshot, my face visibly haggard with dark shadows. Only my wild, animal-like gaze glared back, unyielding.

At times, I felt a burning urge for a cigarette, but I couldn’t leave the room. I feared the bed would be empty when I returned. Kim Jeonghyun, despite his broken body and mind, had gone so far, mocking my foolish belief he wouldn’t run.

I had no intention of abandoning him for being broken. Even if he cried and begged to be let go, I wouldn’t. I’d made him this way. In his pathetic, desperate situation, I was his only way out, and since he didn’t see that, I’d deliberately broken him to make him realize it.

I knew I had to take responsibility for my decisions and actions. Responsibility for Kim Jeonghyun felt satisfying. Even if his cognitive abilities had declined and he stammered, he just needed to stay by my side, obediently taking and consuming what I gave him. That was the only way we could both be satisfied.

Kim Jeonghyun was someone who only cared about his family. He didn’t care if his body wasted away, selling it to save them. Even if all he could give me was his shell of a body, that was fine. His body wasn’t my only goal, but if that’s all he had, it was enough for now.

If Kim Jeonghyun temporarily ran from me, finding and bringing him back was easy. I had the money and time to track anyone down. I was confident I could find him anywhere in the world. But…

‘…Fuck…’

If he escaped to a place a rooted person couldn’t reach, even unintentionally, unconsciously…

There was no way to bring him back.

At that moment, crash! The figure before me shattered into pieces. Hundreds of mirror fragments scattered everywhere. Crash, crash, I smashed the ugly reflection with my fists a couple more times. Countless glass shards flew, sticking to my face, neck, and body, but I didn’t care.

“What in the world…!”

A nurse, hearing the commotion, ran in and covered her mouth with both hands. I turned slowly. Meeting my bloodshot eyes, she backed away as if she’d seen a ghost.

Blood from my fists dripped onto the floor. Staring at the scattered, dirty glass pieces, I unconsciously clutched my chest.

It was tight. Like someone was strangling me. The pain in my chest surged faster. Panting heavily, a sudden thought flashed through my mind.

Now I understood why Kim Jeonghyun kept hitting his chest.

Clenching my bloodied fist, I struck my chest. Once, twice. Like Kim Jeonghyun did, habitually, desperately.

Under the merciless blows, my heart pounded as if it would burst. But the whining chest pain didn’t even register as pain. The heavy tightness grew worse with each hit.

Was this why? Was he that scared?

I picked up a shard and slashed my chest, like Kim Jeonghyun had. The sharp glass easily tore through my clothes and skin. Staring at the endlessly bleeding wound, I recalled Kim Jeonghyun’s face, lying on the street days ago.

Saying he was sorry, that he had to go, that he’d return.

Kim Jeonghyun, desperately muttering those words.

📖

Another day passed before Kim Jeonghyun woke up.

It was dawn. I was dozing, slumped over his bed. Not having slept for over three days, my consciousness teetered between reality and dreams. I was floating in a shallow sleep, unsure if it was a dream or reality.

“…Ah…”

A faint groan snapped my attention. Reflexively, I jerked my head up. Realizing Kim Jeonghyun’s eyes were fully open, my foggy consciousness quickly sharpened.

“You’re awake? Thirsty? Want water?”

He stared blankly at my urgent, probing tone, offering no response, just blinking slowly a few times.

Suppressing my racing heart, I waited. For Kim Jeonghyun to speak. His gaze was so dry, it didn’t seem like that of a living person.

“…”

The longer the silence, the more I felt I’d lose my mind. I wished he’d at least curse at me. I wanted to shake him and yell at him to snap out of it, but I wasn’t that stupid.

After a long time, Kim Jeonghyun finally spoke, stammering.

“…Ji, hyuk…”

He grimaced, as if that alone was exhausting, and closed his mouth. He hadn’t spoken in four days. I quickly handed him the water on the bedside table.

But he just stared at it, as if asking what he was supposed to do with it. Frustrated, I twisted off the cap myself. Propping him up, I held his face and ordered curtly.

“Open your mouth.”

“…”

“Do it.”

“…Ah…”

I poured water slowly between his dry, cracked lips. Like feeding a child, Kim Jeonghyun drank slowly but eagerly. His eyes seemed to regain a bit of clarity, but he was clearly different from usual. He seemed like a person whose soul was half—or more—gone.

After blinking repeatedly to focus, Kim Jeonghyun finally spoke. Unable to meet my eyes, he twitched his lips and barely uttered his first words.

“Ji, hyuk… I’m s-sorry…”

“For what.”

“For… for… going out w-without saying anything…”

Hearing his crawling, stammering apology, something inside me snapped. Swallowing the anger surging hotly, I asked him.

“Are you fucking sorry?”

My gritted voice was lower than usual.

“If you went, you could’ve seen your mother and come back. Why the fuck did you do that…”

Words boiled over like an explosion in my chest, but I barely held them back. If I went on, harsh words would spill out. I’d smashed the bathroom mirror just yesterday, and I couldn’t do that again in front of Kim Jeonghyun.

His eyes widened. His frantic, darting gaze seemed completely lost. After blinking uncontrollably for a while, he barely spoke.

“…S-sorry…”

“…”

My tightly clenched fist trembled violently. I wanted to crush anything I could grab. But Kim Jeonghyun didn’t stop, saying something infuriating.

“…I-I’ll do better… I’ll…”

“…”

“I’ll… do b-better…”

Ha… A hollow, incredulous laugh escaped. What should I say? Where do I start? Overwhelmed, I sighed and licked my lips, choosing my words. Hesitating and watching me, Kim Jeonghyun hurriedly continued.

“I-I… won’t leave any food when I eat… a-and your… no, your c-cock… I’ll suck it well… and I’ll g-greet you more eagerly… I’ll go out to meet you… and…”

Kim Jeonghyun, always watching my every gesture, tone, and action, would beg for forgiveness like this. Saying he’d do better. It was cute, and when I’d teasingly ask, “How will you do better?” his responses were always like this, nothing new.

But his words, which usually thrilled me, today poured over my slashed chest, stabbing at the wound. It just felt shitty. I didn’t want to hear this from Kim Jeonghyun, who’d just woken up after days. Frowning fiercely, I cut him off.

“Stop.”

Panic filled Kim Jeonghyun’s eyes even more. Making foolish uh, uh sounds, he frantically shook his head and grabbed my hand. With a hand like a corpse, full of IVs.

“Ji, Jihyuk, I’m s-sorry, s-sorry…”

“Kim Jeonghyun.”

“P-please, don’t ab-abandon me…”

It was an unbelievably desperate, urgent plea. Before I could respond, Kim Jeonghyun’s eyes suddenly widened. His stammering words sank back into his throat. Clutching his neck as if choking, he soon let out pained hic, hic sounds, like someone about to suffocate.

Reflexively, I shot up, pressed the nurse call button, and hugged him tightly. Grabbing his frail shoulders, I shook him wildly and shouted.

“Kim Jeonghyun! Stop, just shut up and look at me. Look at me!”

“Ah, ah, ugh, gasp…”

Making dying sounds, Kim Jeonghyun desperately grabbed my wrist. I hugged his head tightly, holding his trembling body like a quaking aspen, keeping him from falling off the bed. My large hands, supporting him, trembled pathetically.

Soon, the medical staff rushed in. They moved efficiently, restraining Kim Jeonghyun, checking his condition, and administering a sedative.

Before long, Kim Jeonghyun fell deeply asleep. Just like before. Exactly as I’d seen him for days.

His hand, dropped outside the bed, came into view. The hand sticking out from the blanket. Seeing it, I understood why I’d thought it looked like a corpse’s. It was far more emaciated than when I first saw him.

Idiot. Pathetic bastard.

I’d always thrown that curse lightly, mocking someone. But seeing that frail hand, for the first time, the curse was aimed at myself. I couldn’t express this shitty feeling otherwise.

It was the first time I’d felt such powerlessness. Even when Jiwon had tied my hands, it wasn’t this bad. Everything just felt fucked up. Especially me, for putting Kim Jeonghyun, who’d barely woken up, back to sleep.

With a rigid gaze, I stared endlessly at Kim Jeonghyun, lying alone in the room. In the silence, an alarm siren blared, tearing at my ears.

📖

With a soft click, the door closed as the doctor left. The two nurses who followed scribbled on charts and exited as well.

Perfect silence settled in the room again. Behind the white steam from the humidifier, Kim Jeonghyun’s sleeping face, still as death, was visible.

I reached to touch his face but quietly withdrew my hand.

Kim Jeonghyun’s face was pitifully small and pale. The healthy tan he’d had when we first met was gone. I’d fed him nutritious food regularly, training him not to vomit or leave anything, so he should’ve absorbed it all, but strangely, he kept wasting away.

Watching his face as he breathed evenly in sleep, the psychiatrist’s words from the earlier rounds echoed clearly in my ears. They’d felt shitty then, and they still did.

‘The patient is currently suffering from severe anxiety, panic disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder. It’s an emergency. He needs consistent treatment with antidepressants or anti-anxiety medication, counseling, and cognitive behavioral therapy.’

That part was fine. I knew Kim Jeonghyun was unstable. I was ready to spare no effort or expense to correct his self-harming behavior. But the doctor’s small, hesitant addition, after clearing his throat, was the problem.

‘…However, the prerequisite for treating all these symptoms is that the patient recognizes what’s causing his distress.’

‘…’

‘And…’

Glancing nervously, the doctor finally spoke with resolve.

‘He needs to completely escape the stressful situation.’

‘…’

‘For at least one or two years. Otherwise, there’s a high chance of recurring episodes that could seriously threaten his well-being.’

His transparent intent made me scoff. That’s what the doctor wanted to say.

Since Kim Jeonghyun’s admission, the medical staff likely speculated about our relationship. Thanks to my father’s close business ties with the hospital director, no one dared question me directly, but a young patient in a VIP room costing millions a day, with a guardian constantly by his side, would naturally spark curiosity.

Kim Jeonghyun’s condition upon admission, his unconscious apologies, his excessive fear of me, and my constant presence by his side—those fragmented clues probably led to their presumptuous remarks.

‘Enough, get out.’

‘…What?’

The psychiatrist, stunned by my cold, curt dismissal, scurried out. Since then, my mood had hit rock bottom.

‘There’s a high chance of recurring episodes that could seriously threaten his well-being.’

No matter how I tried to push it away, the doctor’s infuriating words lingered.

What do they know about me and Kim Jeonghyun to say such things?

My fists clenched involuntarily. Sparring for hours or smashing something might help. The directionless rage and frustration piled up steadily inside.

Still, I couldn’t leave. No, I didn’t want to. All I could do was sigh and let the anger dissipate into the air.

I closed my eyes tightly and opened them. As expected, Kim Jeonghyun’s face came into view. I sat like a statue, staring at him. After a long while, his lips parted slightly, letting out a faint groan.

“…Ah…”

Then his eyes opened. Between slowly lifting eyelids, a hazy, dull gaze appeared. Blinking without focus for a while, his eyes finally met mine. Holding his hand, I stared at his face with a stiff expression, and he cautiously spoke.

“…Ji, Ji, Jihyuk…”

“Yes, teacher.”

“Are you… are you… in a b-bad mood…?”

He asked, glancing nervously. Kim Jeonghyun’s face, which used to draw out my sadistic urges. Before, I’d have found him adorable, teasing him to tears, flustering him, and soothing him with my body.

But now I knew he’d find such actions overwhelming. Above all, I couldn’t trigger an episode. Lifting his wrist, I softly kissed the inside and shook my head.

“No. Why would I be? I’m here with you, teacher.”

“R-really… that’s good.”

“Come here.”

Pressing my lips to his soft flesh, I inhaled his scent, released his wrist, and pulled his head into my arms. Sitting on the bed, Kim Jeonghyun obediently nestled into my embrace. I stroked his hair a few times, kissing his forehead and nose with soft smack sounds.

My lips, descending, soon reached his mouth. I meant to kiss lightly and move on, but his hot, sweet breath crumbled my resolve. I slipped my tongue in, licking his, which gently met mine. His frail shoulders, clad in a hospital gown, trembled in my arms.

“…Mm, mm…”

Seeing his eyebrows furrow slightly, I felt the sadistic urge I’d suppressed rise again. But I had no intention of pushing him. Releasing his lips to avoid overwhelming his breathing, a thin string of saliva stretched and snapped.

Just that made Kim Jeonghyun’s face flush red. His panting breaths were hot. But I could tell it was pure arousal, not breathlessness. Glancing at me, he licked his glistening lips and cautiously grabbed my clothes. In a crawling voice, he pleaded.

“Ji, hyuk… let me… s-suck your c-cock…”

His body was perfectly trained. To respond only to my touch, my tongue. To crave me, beg for me, no matter what I gave. How could such a sight not be adorable?

But despite that sentiment, it felt like a carefully built tower was crumbling. Despite his lovable appearance, my face kept hardening. Grabbing his wrist, which clung to my clothes, I spoke in a businesslike tone.