NANOM Ch 29

“Stay still.”

Even with the playful command laced with laughter, Kim Jeonghyun obeyed quietly. Splash, my hand parted the hot water, gently rubbing his skin as it moved upward. My fingers stopped instinctively upon seeing the dressing on his chest. I hadn’t noticed during sex earlier, but now I saw traces of a small amount of blood seeping through.

“…”

Seeing my hardened face, Kim Jeonghyun blinked frantically.

“S-sorry…”

“…”

“I… I don’t know when it happened… s-sorry.”

My mouth felt rough for no reason. Deliberately, I stuck out my tongue, licked my lips slowly, and gently stroked Kim Jeonghyun’s head.

“It’s okay.”

Kim Jeonghyun quietly accepted my touch, looking as pretty as a doll.

“Th-thank you…”

“…”

The words “it’s okay” might have been directed at myself.

It’s okay. I muttered that to myself several times a day. Kim Jeonghyun was alive right now. With a pulsing, hot heart, he panted, cried, laughed, and breathed beneath me. He ate the food I gave him and accepted my touch when I washed him.

Even seeing that clear fact with my own eyes, I lacked certainty. Since meeting Kim Jeonghyun, my mind had gone completely haywire, and sometimes I even had the shitty thought that what I was seeing might be an illusion. So, I made him take my penis even while eating, and when I came home, I greedily took in the sight of him kneeling at my feet to greet me.

Every time I saw him panting and crying because of my body heat, weight, and presence, relief washed over me. But at the same time, it brought an even greater impatience.

I was anxious. I didn’t want to admit it, but the emotion gripping me so tightly it choked me was anxiety.

I feared that if I closed my eyes and opened them, Kim Jeonghyun would be holding that damn knife, carving into his chest. The thought that if I’d been a few seconds later that day, I wouldn’t know how far the blade would have gone, clung to me like a malevolent spirit, refusing to let go.

That shadowy demon quietly but maddeningly drove me to the edge. One day, I came to my senses and found myself replacing the collar on Kim Jeonghyun’s neck with a chain. The collar I’d put on him before was a symbol of attachment, but the chain was a product of obsession and anxiety.

Yet Kim Jeonghyun didn’t resist once. With dead eyes, he simply accepted it. Even with the clink clank of the chain, he just looked at me, just looked.

Kim Jeonghyun, who obediently submitted and quietly accepted what I did to him, was clearly somewhat broken, but even that was cute. No, it was more accurate to say that without the useless will to wander outside like before, he was incomparably prettier now. But strangely, lately, my mood had been so damn shitty.

‘Because it was tight, because I couldn’t breathe, that’s why I did it…’

Why was it that Kim Jeonghyun’s stammering, tearful words wouldn’t leave my head?

Since that day, the night was no longer the same for me. Before, holding Kim Jeonghyun’s body, which fit perfectly in my arms, I’d sleep soundly all night. But from that day, a sound began to reach my ears.

A faint sobbing. Kim Jeonghyun made pained noises as the night wore on. Sometimes he cried, sometimes he begged. He flailed. And he kept hitting his chest with his fist, over and over.

So, his wounds reopened just as they were about to heal, tearing again and again. On days when blood soaked through his clothes, I had to hold his hands to stop him from hitting himself. All night long.

At the pale dawn, as I peeled off the bandage on Kim Jeonghyun’s chest and applied medicine with my fingers, I finally realized why he’d been compulsively hitting his chest.

‘…Fuck.’

If only Kim Jeonghyun had been trying to abandon life on his own will, maybe this shitty feeling would have been a little less.

Until now, Kim Jeonghyun had been transparent. Easy to understand. If I dirtied him, he helplessly became dirty; if I painted him black, he willingly took on the filthy color. Like snow falling on me even when I spat or kicked him.

He bent and crumpled as I shaped him, so when I saw him cutting his chest with a knife, I thought he’d finally reached his limit and was trying to escape life. Trying to find a way out before completely breaking.

That was natural for a person. Only an idiot like Kim Jeonghyun wouldn’t know that. No matter how much he valued his family, they couldn’t be more important than himself. I’d somewhat expected that while it might have been possible at the start, he’d try to escape once he hit his limit.

It didn’t matter. I could crush that will too. From the moment I brought Kim Jeonghyun into this house, I had no intention of letting him go. So, even if he tried to escape from me or from life, I was confident I could strip him of that courage. That’s how our relationship began.

But when Kim Jeonghyun woke up, he asked me what I was talking about. He looked genuinely confused.

Kim Jeonghyun hadn’t been trying to die from the start.

Even if he withered and broke completely, he couldn’t let go of the damn, tear-jerkingly pathetic concern for his family’s well-being. Even in death, he’d die clutching that in his small hands.

I’d only taught him to sell his body and stay by my side. I brainwashed him repeatedly, holding him like a crying child in harsh situations. Sometimes looking at him with disgust, sometimes coaxing him gently. Because he kept making such stupid choices, I had to keep teaching him.

In that process, Kim Jeonghyun finally accepted his fate. Even living bound like a dog with his legs spread, he came to believe that was his way to survive, to save his family. Seeing the beautifully broken Kim Jeonghyun, I couldn’t have been more satisfied.

His attitude of losing himself and obeying me was mutually beneficial.

Kim Jeonghyun saw me as his only path, believed in me, and relied on me. I cared for the perfectly tamed and polished him. Forever.

Yes, forever. I wanted things to stay like this forever. Until Kim Jeonghyun cut his chest.

‘…Ha.’

If he’d been trying to escape because he lost the will to live, I could’ve reminded him why he was here. But Kim Jeonghyun didn’t know how to escape, even when broken. Even completely wrecked, he was an idiot fixated only on his family.

No matter how I tried to understand, I couldn’t comprehend him. I’d been taking care of his family as promised, but at first, I wanted to just kill that sister of his, Jeonghee or whatever. The hired help reported twice that they’d caught her trying to escape near the hospital, still out of her mind.

Honestly, I didn’t care if some pathetic gambling-addicted girl lived or died. But because she was Kim Jeonghyun’s sister, it was different. I wanted to show her a video and ask if she knew what her brother was going through to keep her there. Thinking it was a waste of time and money, I still stubbornly kept her in the hospital and under watch.

They said she was finally coming to her senses. She was diligently receiving treatment, getting better, and brighter. They said she might be discharged soon. Kim Jeonghyun’s mother was also regaining strength, even walking for two or three minutes. I’d seen it myself multiple times.

But even so, where the fuck was he trying to go?

My fist clenched involuntarily.

You sold your body to let your family flourish like shit, so where were you trying to go? If you’re going to sell yourself, at least be smart and milk it to the end. If you can’t even do that, Kim Jeonghyun, you…

“…Ji, Jihyuk.”

Splash, the sound of water and a faint voice snapped me back to clarity.

“Yes.”

“…S-sorry, but I’m s-sleepy… I want to sleep now…”

I looked quietly into Kim Jeonghyun’s eyes as he stammered and glanced nervously. Unable to meet my gaze, he lowered his face, and I held his head, kissing his hair a couple of times.

“Okay. Let’s go to bed. I’ll dry you off.”

Whispering, I lifted Kim Jeonghyun in one motion. I dried him softly, put fresh clothes on him, and laid him in bed. Looking at his lovable face, asleep like a child in my arms, I swallowed the recurring nightmare-like anxiety.

Anxious? Fuck that. He’s alive and well right here.

Muttering curses to no one, I covered my tired eyes with one hand. But sleep wouldn’t come. It couldn’t, because I feared that if I closed my eyes and opened them, he’d be gone.

Until Kim Jeonghyun woke from his long sleep, groggy, I couldn’t take my eyes off him.