NANOM Ch 25

Time passed slowly but steadily. I remained confined to the room Jihyuk had set aside for me. All I did was sit there, staring blankly as the sun rose and set.

Sometimes, I wondered about the date. It felt like February, maybe mid-month or late. Since Jihyuk wasn’t going to school and stayed around, it probably wasn’t March yet.

Thinking about it, I gave a weak laugh. I could easily find out the date by watching TV or asking Jihyuk, but what was the point? I couldn’t visit my mother in the hospital or go to school. Watching time march on, leaving me behind, only brought a sense of self-loathing.

Every day was the same. I slept with Jihyuk, and when I woke, I found myself tied to the bed alone. The full-length mirror in front of the bed mocked my appearance each morning—a naked man, collared like a dog, torn and ravaged by another, a complete whore.

After preparing breakfast, Jihyuk would come in and untie the ropes binding me to the bed. Completely engrossed in treating me like a dog, he rarely let me take off the collar except when washing.

As the days of wearing the collar piled up, the initial shock wore down slightly. Seeing myself put it on without Jihyuk’s prompting after washing, I thought it wasn’t such a big deal after the first time. Though my appearance was somewhat ridiculous, as long as I obeyed him meekly, Jihyuk didn’t hit or torment me. It was better to stay in this foolish state comfortably.

After breakfast, I’d be dragged back to the bedroom for sex or kill time watching TV. I hadn’t noticed, often unconscious for long stretches, but it seemed a housekeeper came by during the day. I’d eat lunch, presumably made by her, sit blankly, or play games with Jihyuk as he wanted. Sometimes he brought me books.

Then came evening. After dinner, we’d take a short walk in a nearby park or watch a movie at home. In bed, the sex went on endlessly. Only after fulfilling all his desires could I escape into a fleeting, deep sleep late at night.

The painful, sometimes tedious days felt strange at first. I’d never lived without labor, eating and sleeping without work. These were perhaps the emptiest days of my life, a blank space. Being free from worries about hospital bills, living expenses, or Jeonghee was also a first.

A twenty-year-old’s sexual curiosity must have its limits. School would start soon, and he’d meet new people. It was inevitable he’d tire of toying with me and discard me.

So maybe, just a little longer, I could stay like this. My rusty, sluggish mind occasionally entertained such thoughts.

At least with Jihyuk, the crushing weight of life I’d carried forever felt absent. The burdens that were too heavy for me to take a single step with, Jihyuk handled as if they were nothing. I was growing accustomed to relaxing and leaning on him.

Except that I increasingly felt less like a person and more like a doll or a pet for someone to toy with or pamper. Except for the feeling of slowly sinking into a deep, dark swamp… it wasn’t so bad, I thought each morning, looking in the mirror.

It was like reciting a mantra. This was your best option. Even if you went back, there was no better path. So don’t regret it. You started this.

I had to think that way. If that self-imposed brainwashing broke, the fragile wall of my heart, already cracked, would shatter beyond repair. Never again.

“What are you doing? Sit and eat.”

“Hnn.”

Jihyuk, already seated at the table with breakfast prepared, urged me. Startled, I moved toward him. The collar was still around my neck, but without the leash. Plus, I was wearing one of Jihyuk’s oversized T-shirts today.

Breakfast passed peacefully. Since that first day when I knelt at his feet, crying and eating, he hadn’t sent me under the table again. But he often made me eat on his lap.

Today was no different. Mid-meal, Jihyuk suddenly patted his lap.

“Come here and finish eating.”

With a couple of spoonfuls left, I was about to put rice in my mouth but stood immediately. The thought that upsetting him could send me back under the table made me move without hesitation.

I went to where Jihyuk sat, pulled down his pants, and sat on him. After applying lube, I gritted my teeth and inserted his cock myself. My fingertips, clutching the table desperately, turned white.

The solid body supporting me from behind began moving its hips. The dishes on the table trembled slightly with each of Jihyuk’s forceful thrusts. Shaken by his vigorous pounding, I had to endure the sudden assault before finishing my meal.

“Hoo, you’re eating well. Tasty?”

“Ah! Hnn, ah, yes. It’s tasty, tasty. Hnn, ah!”

I babbled responses through frantic sobs. Despite the precarious feeling of my entrance stretched to its limit and the ticklish sensation with each deep thrust, I tried hard to answer diligently.

“What’s tasty, Jeonghyun?”

“Your… your cock… hnn, it’s tasty…”

“Can’t focus? We’re eating right now.”

“Ugh, hnn, yes. The food… food’s tasty…”

His amused voice burrowed into my ear.

“Our teacher… ha, aren’t you a bit too eager?”

“Ahh! Hnn, yes…”

“If you’re like this, I should’ve fed you my cock instead of food from the start.”

With sharp mockery, Jihyuk grabbed my waist and stood. My trembling body, precariously seated on his lap, was mercilessly pressed onto the table. Gasping for breath, I pushed the rice bowl far away. My face and chest, crushed against the table, shook with each forceful thrust.

“Ah, hnn, Jihyuk, Jihyuk, ugh, hnn…”

“Jeonghyun. Look at this.”

A small giggle pierced my ear. Jihyuk slightly lifted my body, pinned to the table. Swallowing tears with a flushed face, momentarily silencing my moans, I lost my words and shut my mouth.

“You’re getting hard while being fucked during a meal. Wow, you’re such a slut, teacher.”

Jihyuk reached under the table, flicking my erect cock like a child playing with a toy.

I shook my head, eyes wide. No way. It was completely soft earlier, so why, when…

“No, that’s not… I didn’t mean…”

“What’s not? Your body’s loving it.”

He mocked, kissing my ear.

“Our teacher’s got it good. Enjoying everything with me and making money.”

Jihyuk softly wrapped my erect cock and began stroking slowly. Simultaneously, his forceful thrusts continued from behind. Trapped in his hand, my cock leaked thin fluid.

“Ah, hnn! Ah! Hnn, ah!”

“Feels good, Jeonghyun?”

A sharp pain stung my earlobe as he bit it. But at that moment, my walls contracted, squeezing him tightly. His mockery deepened.

“You must like the pain, teacher. Right?”

“No, hnn, ah…”

“Not gonna answer properly?”

“I… hnn, like it, ah… hnn.”

It was better when I hated it but forced myself to say I liked it. It didn’t feel this degrading then. Now, I was truly breaking.

No, maybe not. Maybe, as Jihyuk said, this was who I was all along. A person who gets hard and cries out in pleasure during sex while eating.

“That’s it. Eat a lot of the cock you love, teacher.”

A sweet sound accompanied a warm sensation on my cheek. Covering my body from behind, Jihyuk kissed me lovingly and resumed his vigorous thrusts.

Trapped between Jihyuk’s heavy body and the table, I kept moaning that it was good, to keep going, to give me more. Whether it was lies or truth, even I couldn’t tell, and no more tears came.

📖

“Rest easy. I’ll be back.”

After the sex, Jihyuk washed and dressed me, kissed my forehead, and smiled brightly. Staring at his neatly dressed figure, I cast a blank gaze.

His outings were usually short and infrequent. Being with him often meant sex, so I’d sometimes wished to be alone. But today, seeing him cleanly step away to leave, I impulsively blurted out a question.

“…Where are you going?”

“Just stuff. School’s starting soon, so prepping for that. Also picking up my license.”

Jihyuk answered casually, choosing a pair of shoes from the lined-up rack. Among the twenty-plus sneakers were several pairs of mine, all new, bought by him. My old, worn ones seemed to have been thrown out.

School prep. License. I repeated the words in my mind. They were fresh, vibrant aspects of a twenty-year-old’s life. They also felt like a different world from mine. Of the two, “school starting” felt the most distant.

Jihyuk would attend the school I used to go to as a freshman. That thought felt like a large piece of my heart broke off.

“Stay put and wait at home. Got it?”

With a smiling face, Jihyuk approached and kissed me. On my cheek, my nose. Playfully, lightly, then he slid his tongue into my mouth. I opened my mouth obediently, extending my tongue, and he lightly rubbed his against it. Saliva stretched between our touching membranes.

Smack, smack. The light kiss soon turned wet and heavy. Holding my neck firmly, kissing as if to devour me, Jihyuk pulled away. He casually wiped my wet mouth with his palm, pulled me lightly, and hugged me once.

“I’ll be back.”

“…Yeah. Come back safe, Jihyuk.”

My listless voice saw him off. With the click of the closing door, only his lingering cologne and heavy scent remained in the entryway.

Blinking for a moment in the entryway, I turned and went to my room, lying down. Jihyuk tied me to the bedpost, but the leash was long, and my room was near the entryway, so I could see him off, use the attached bathroom, or lie on the bed without issue.

The collar itself was easy to remove. It was just meant to mentally subdue and tame me. Wanting to be comfortable while he was gone, I unhesitatingly took off the cumbersome dog collar and tossed it aside. Then I pulled the blanket over me and closed my eyes.

Thump. Thump. Thump…

But my racing heart showed no sign of calming. Tossing and turning briefly, I soon sat up, groping for the collar and putting it back on.

“…You’re really a dog now.”

Mimicking Jihyuk’s words, I laughed self-deprecatingly. Still, it felt better. I didn’t know when he’d return. If I got caught removing the collar he put on me, who knows what punishment I’d face.

If this was a test. If he came back suddenly to check if I was waiting properly. If he went out to see if I’d obey even in his absence…

Then I had to be as he wanted to avoid upsetting him. With the collar on, I shakily stood and went to the entryway, crouching down.

“Before I come back, strip and wait at the entryway.”

That was our first promise. Last time, I failed to keep it and was punished by not visiting my mother’s hospital. I couldn’t go now anyway, but he still held my lifeline.

Staring endlessly at the closed door, I rested my head on my crouched knees. Breathing slowly, I felt my anxious heartbeat gradually calm. Despair and peace came to me at once.

📖

My fading consciousness snapped back at the sound of movement outside. Half-asleep, I jerked my head up from my knees.

Jihyuk’s footsteps approached. Having listened keenly during his past outings, I knew the sound. Thump, thump, my heart, calm during my brief nap, began racing again.

With trembling hands, I took off the collar, then the T-shirt. Stripped of Jihyuk’s loose shirt, I was completely naked. I put the collar back on.

Frantically scanning myself, I checked if I was as he wanted, if I’d done anything to anger him.

After a quick self-inspection, I muttered to calm myself. It’s fine. No need to tremble. I didn’t do anything to upset Jihyuk. So please, calm down. It’s okay. It’s okay…

The door lock clicked, and the front door opened.

“You been good?”

A large figure strode in. Seeing me naked, collared, and kneeling obediently in the entryway, Jihyuk gave a satisfied smile.

I hurriedly crawled on my knees, stopping right in front of him. As he took off his shoes, he stroked my hair.

“…Yeah, I was good…”

“What were you doing?”

I hadn’t done much, just dozing in the entryway. But I vaguely knew what Jihyuk wanted to hear.

“…Thinking of you, Jihyuk, and waiting.”

“Wow. So cute.”

As expected, Jihyuk was delighted. Smiling with dimples, he stroked my hair. I closed my eyes, entrusting myself to his touch.

His stroking hand moved to my neck. Taking it as permission, I raised my hands, slowly unzipped his pants, and pulled them and his underwear to his thighs, taking out his hardening cock.

“Suck it well, and I’ll tell you some news you’ll like.”

Stroking my hair gently, Jihyuk whispered. His low voice was already husky. News I’d like… what could it be besides something about my mother or Jeonghee?

My heart raced. I hurriedly grabbed his erect shaft and put it in my mouth. The pressure, heat, and scent pressing into my throat felt as familiar as drinking water or eating. I eagerly sucked the throbbing shaft, deliberately making lewd sounds.

Kneeling, stimulating his cock with my mouth until cum covered my face, Jihyuk kept stroking my hair affectionately.

📖

Fresh from a shower, Jihyuk sat comfortably on the sofa. Glancing at him from afar, he patted his lap.

“Come here.”

“Okay.”

I was about to step forward when he spoke.

“Like a dog.”

With a short command, his lips curved up boldly. Fresh from the shower, hair wet, wearing light workout clothes, Jihyuk looked more mischievous than usual.

Knowing what he meant, I knelt without hesitation. Using my palms and knees, I crawled to him.

Reaching him naked and crawling like a dog, Jihyuk smiled as if to say, “Good job.” Spreading his thighs, he nodded slightly, and I carefully nestled between them. Kneeling under the sofa, I placed both hands on his thighs as he instructed.

“So pretty. Listening so well, how nice.”

Smack, a sweet kiss pressed onto my forehead.

“You’re being so good to hear the good news, right?”

“…Yeah. Tell me. I want to hear…”

Jihyuk paused, then grinned playfully.

“Do more cute stuff. You’re so adorable, I want to see more.”

His teasing, delaying the news, made me anxious. But I had no other way to urge him. Rubbing my nose and cheek on his thigh, I forced out a sinking voice.

“…Jihyuk. Tell me. Please.”

“And? Is that all you want from me?”

His tone sounded petulant. Jihyuk gave me everything generously but disliked when I seemed to be with him only for that. He’d say to use him freely, but hated when I showed signs of seeing him only as money or a solution.

“…Pamper me, Jihyuk. Love me. Kiss me.”

I added in a crawling voice. Though it gave me chills, Jihyuk had taught me to say it before. Satisfied, he grabbed my face and lifted it toward him.

“Alright. I’ll kiss you.”

Smack, the ticklish sensation landed on my lips again. The kiss spread to my nose, cheeks, and eyelids. After several small kisses, Jihyuk finally spoke.

“Your mother started walking.”

My heart thumped, as if a part exploded. The overwhelming joy silenced me. After a long pause, my voice came out foolishly subdued.

“…Really…?”

Clutching my chest, breathing heavily, I gripped Jihyuk’s lap and poured out questions.

“H-How do you know? Who told you? Since when? Is she okay?”

“Calm down.”

A warm palm pressed my frantic forehead.

“I visited the hospital and heard from the caregiver. She was sleeping when I was there. She started walking yesterday, just a step or two.”

“Really… That’s unbelievable. How…”

I couldn’t believe it. A sobbing voice escaped me.

It was like wandering endlessly in darkness and finally seeing a ray of light. In a darkness where I couldn’t tell if my eyes were open, if I was in space, the deep sea, or a cave, this first hope revived my dying body and soul.

Like a flower blooming in a trash can, life stirred in my parched heart. My fingertips tingled with energy. Desperately clutching Jihyuk’s thighs, I looked at him with pleading eyes. Any words, any story—I wanted more from him.

“It’ll get better, so don’t worry too much now.”

As if reading my mind, Jihyuk hugged my head, kissed my forehead, and whispered. It was an impossibly tender act from someone who kept me naked, caged like a dog, and raped me day and night.

Whatever Jihyuk had done to me, it didn’t matter in this moment. The sweet hope pouring into my dried-up heart was so welcome that Jihyuk, who brought it, felt nothing but precious.

He was devouring my body and soul, but also ensuring my mother’s treatment continued. Despite my protests, he provided a private room and covered caregiving costs.

“Jihyuk.”

My voice, calling him, was naturally wet with tears. The warmth from his lap, where I rested my head, felt endlessly grateful and good.

“…Thank you. Really, thank you. So much… I’m so grateful.”

“Right?”

Jihyuk chuckled, his eyes sparkling like a child’s. His smug, boyish expression shone as he willingly stroked my head.

“You’ll listen well, right?”

“Yeah. I’ll listen. I’ll… listen well.”

The repeated muttering was akin to a vow I made to myself. Like Pavlov’s dog salivating at the sound of a bell, the events that unfolded through repetition taught me a certain truth.

If I listened well to Jihyuk and stayed obedient, good things would happen. But if I didn’t comply with his words, unbearable misfortune would come crashing down on me immediately.

Jihyuk, who had come into my life, was a disaster in himself. Like a sudden downpour in an unexpected moment, he was an intruder who forced his way into my existence, wielding violence.

Yet, paradoxically, by submitting to this intruder, I was experiencing a peace I had never felt before. In the shadow of Jihyuk, who ceaselessly wore me down and devoured me, I found stability and rest I had never known. I discovered hope buried in the darkness—the expectation that things could get better, the wish that my family would ultimately find happiness.

I still couldn’t be certain whether I would be part of the eventual peace in my family. He was slowly melting me away. The shape of who I was as a person was gradually eroding and crumbling. Perhaps by the time my family found happiness, I would be completely absorbed into Jihyuk, like sugar dissolved in water.

But that didn’t matter. As long as my mother could take even one step forward and improve right now. Even the things that once felt viciously humiliating eventually became dull. I used to tremble at the mere sight of Jihyuk’s cock, but now I could familiarly slide it to the back of my throat. I, who once feared even taking off my clothes, was now living and breathing naked with a dog collar around my neck.

Submitting to Jihyuk was still degrading, painful, and tear-inducing, but the desperate wish not to be abandoned by him grew stronger each day. Thus, my actions could only become more compliant. I walked, spoke, breathed, and moved, but there was no will of my own in it. The awareness that I, as a being, was alive was growing fainter and smaller.

“Good boy.”

A low, rough voice vibrated pleasantly in his throat. Seeing Jihyuk’s face smiling sweetly at me, a question I had long forgotten resurfaced.

Why.

Why was he doing this to me?

But I quickly blinked and erased the question. There was no benefit in overthinking, and it was a question I couldn’t answer even if I pondered it.

In any case, Jihyuk “still” wanted me, and I was entirely dependent on his interest, which could cool at any moment.

Hoping his interest would last even one day longer, I leaned against Jihyuk’s lap and closed my eyes, like a small animal yearning for his stroking hand to continue.

📖

The scenery outside the window changed rapidly. The snow-covered view I saw every day had vanished, and green sprouts began to emerge on the bare, withered branches.

But to me, all these scenes felt as unreal as something on a TV screen. Watching one season fade and another take its place, I could only blink blankly. It felt like it had nothing to do with me.

So one morning, I couldn’t help but ask Jihyuk blankly, “…Where are you going?”

His outfit was different today. Instead of the usual thick outerwear, Jihyuk wore a light windbreaker. His hair, usually left untouched, was neatly styled. Dressed in casual attire with a backpack, Jihyuk looked unmistakably fresh and refined.

“School.”

Checking himself roughly in the mirror, Jihyuk frowned slightly.

“I told you the day before yesterday. It’s the first day of school. You already forgot?”

“Huh? …Oh… Did you?”

“What’s with you lately?”

“…I… guess.”

I spoke awkwardly and gave a strained smile. Jihyuk’s light scolding didn’t seem to carry real reproach. But I was feeling flustered, a rare sensation lately.

It felt unreal that it was already March. Despite seeing signs of spring outside, it only hit me now. The season I vaguely thought would never come had arrived.

With a mind that felt rusted and sluggish, I slowly processed the thought.

Yeah, what’s wrong with me lately?

Come to think of it, things I once took for granted now felt alien at times. The passage of time was the most striking. I still found it hard to believe two months had passed since I came to this house. I vividly remembered the chill in my body when I first arrived, yet it was already a season warm enough for life to revive.

At times, it felt despairingly distant that only two months had passed. All I endured was rape, and sometimes when Jihyuk was aroused, we’d have sex all day. Repeating the cycle of fulfilling his near-abusive demands and passing out, I couldn’t believe the time that felt like eternal punishment was just a day or two.

Was it because what I did—no, what I endured—was too simplistic? My thoughts were slowing and simplifying. It felt more accurate to say that the thoughts I used to have were being erased, leaving empty spaces in my mind. The dozens of formulas and theories I could recite with my eyes closed had long faded and lost their color.

Clearly, Jihyuk, with me, was living well in the flow of time, but I alone found it increasingly hard to keep up. Despite having nothing to do but obey him, it felt like time was isolating me in this place.

“Seeing you lately, I can’t believe you used to teach me.”

Jihyuk’s eyes curved with a mocking smile.

“But I like this side of you too.”

Smack, a kiss landed on my forehead. The fresh scent of cologne wafted from Jihyuk, who had come close to embrace me—not his usual heavy fragrance but one fitting a newly twenty-year-old freshman.

“Don’t think about anything and just rely on me. It’s easier that way.”

His tone was playful but carried weight. I nodded slowly. Such words no longer sparked any resistance in me.

Kissing the top of my head as I looked down, Jihyuk slid his fingers into my hair. Playfully stroking, he suddenly said, “Your hair’s gotten really long. It’s gonna poke your eyes.”

“Oh… yeah.”

“I’d cut it myself if I could, but I’m no good at that.”

Humming lazily, stroking my hair, Jihyuk spoke again.

“Wanna go out for a bit today? To get a haircut.”

“…Hair?”

I asked in a listless voice. Honestly, despite facing the full-length mirror daily, I hadn’t thought about my hair being long.

Now that I thought about it, maybe. Hearing Jihyuk, it did seem a bit messy. The bangs covering my forehead felt cumbersome only after he mentioned it.

Jihyuk pulled back, scanning my face slowly.

“Compared to when we met, it’s really long. Needs a trim.”

“Should I?”

“I’ll send a car later, so get in it.”

“Okay.”

I mumbled listlessly again. Slowly, I tried to recall. What was I like when I first met Jihyuk? It felt like a distant origin story.

Come to think of it, I used to prefer short, neat hair. Not for style, but because long hair was hard to manage and costly. So I always kept it that way. Compared to then, it was definitely long now. Yeah, hearing Jihyuk, it seemed so.

But my sluggish thoughts halted at his next words.

“Today’s probably just orientation, so it’ll end early. Right, sunbae?”

The playful title made something crash in my head. A part of my mind went dark. The word “sunbae” from Jihyuk’s mouth felt foreign, alien, and sad.

The mischief in Jihyuk’s eyes vanished. It was a dramatic shift, like a play’s twist. A chilling voice immediately pressed, “Why can’t you answer?”

“…”

Suddenly, a rough grip seized my face. The forceful lift toward him stopped my trembling lips. Meeting his hardened gaze, my legs froze.

“Why the hell did you trust that bastard UJiwon and take a leave? You should’ve gone to school with me.”

“…”

“Fuck, why did I study like a dog for that?”

His razor-sharp voice scolded me. Though calm, his eyes brimmed with clear disdain.

The gentle atmosphere vanished, and sudden anger choked me. Lowering my eyes, I stammered an apology.

“I’m… sorry. I really… messed up…”

The silence that followed wasn’t long but felt like a punishment. Each quiet breath seemed to strangle me. I expected Jihyuk to slap me, force me to my knees for throat punishment, or threaten my family.

But surprisingly, the grip on my face loosened easily.

“Come out later. I’ll send a driver around eleven, so be dressed properly.”

Spitting out the words, Jihyuk turned toward the door. Only then did I notice my heart racing wildly. Squeezing out a voice that wouldn’t come, I managed, “…Okay, see you later… Do well, Jihyuk.”

He glanced back. His cold gaze softened slightly, suggesting his anger had eased a bit. I felt relieved for mustering the courage to say it.

With a bang, the door closed. I returned to my room, thinking about the outing. It was my first time going out in daylight since visiting my mother with Jihyuk.

📖

In the dressing room, I looked at the clothes Jihyuk bought for me. Most were still in their packaging.

I was about to pick something plain when I paused. The marks on my neck stopped me.

From repeatedly wearing the dog collar, faint brown marks had formed recently. The friction from Jihyuk pulling and releasing the leash left traces.

He usually treated my wounds immediately, but he didn’t care much about the collar’s marks, even if they scarred.

No, he seemed to enjoy them. He’d apply medicine if they hurt but wouldn’t remove the collar. His face, touching the marks, even showed faint joy.

I had no choice. I took off the chosen clothes and put on a turtleneck. It wasn’t weather-appropriate, but it was necessary to hide the marks. Looking in the mirror, a dry laugh escaped. My appearance, beyond the neck, was already wretched.

As Jihyuk said, my long hair, swollen lips from constant sucking and biting, red eyes from tears, and mottled marks barely hidden by the turtleneck. I couldn’t fathom why Jihyuk called this pretty and kept touching me.

Dressed, I sat blankly watching TV when the intercom rang. I hurriedly pressed the button to let the driver in.

“Here to pick you up.”

The driver’s curt words came as he turned away, as if looking at me too long would cause trouble.

But I saw it clearly. The fleeting contempt in his eyes. I probably looked like a filthy whore to him. It was true, so I didn’t care much. Lowering my head, I quietly closed the door and followed him.

“Move a bit faster, please.”

“…Yes.”

The driver, looking back, urged me as I walked slowly. But my body wouldn’t cooperate. With evening walks with Jihyuk nearly gone, walking itself felt foreign.

My weakened legs struggled even to reach the underground parking lot. The strain from Jihyuk’s relentless positions didn’t help. My overstretched hips creaked in pain, and the ache in my rear added to my clumsy steps. My gait must’ve looked laughably suspicious.

But I followed silently. Jihyuk said to go out, so I had to, no matter how uncomfortable or embarrassing.

“Get in.”

I sat in the back seat as the driver opened the door. Wiping light sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand, I felt exhausted from just that short walk.

The car started quickly. I blankly watched the daytime scenery pass by. I’d never been abroad, but it felt like I was in a foreign land. Scenes I once belonged to now seemed to reject me.

The car was probably going to the school. Since I was with Jihyuk, picking him up before the salon made sense. But why my chest tightened, I didn’t know. This was my school, but also Jihyuk’s.

“…Ha.”

Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe well. I pounded my chest frantically. After over ten desperate hits, the suffocating feeling eased slightly.

It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m just on leave, resting temporarily. After handling urgent matters, I could ask Jihyuk to let me return to school. He wanted me to attend with him, after all.

I kept repeating that to calm myself, trying to breathe deeply with wide eyes. But the storm of anxiety wouldn’t subside. I realized I shouldn’t have come to school.

I should’ve known from his haircut suggestion, from being told to come out. I should’ve begged to meet at the salon, not school. But my mind was too rigid to foresee even that.

Fear surged. What if I’d really become a fool? Even if I returned to school, how could I follow classes with this sluggish mind? What if I couldn’t understand anything? What if I’d become someone only good for spreading my legs for Jihyuk?

Don’t think about anything and just rely on me. It’s easier that way.

Why the hell did you trust that bastard UJiwon and take a leave? You should’ve gone to school with me.

Jihyuk’s scolding swirled, painfully pressing on my bruised heart. To forget the pain, I hit my chest repeatedly. But the truth, digging deeper with each hit, felt like it would never leave.

It’s all my fault. Becoming this stupid is my fault. I foolishly trusted UJiwon too easily, so I deserve Jihyuk’s treatment.

My chest-pounding quickened. Gasping, I let out pained moans. The world spun, so I shut my eyes tightly.

“Hnn, ah, ugh…”

The frantic breathing showed no sign of calming. I leaned my head against the front passenger headrest, curling up.

I wanted to hide somewhere. But I was also afraid. It felt like my existence was shrinking endlessly. Like Kim Jeonghyun would vanish without a trace, as if I never existed.

It’s okay. No, it’s not. It’s okay. It’s not. I’m just going for a haircut. It’s your school. No, you shouldn’t have come. It’s all my fault. I’m so stupid…

“…Hey… …look.”

“Ha, haa, hnn…”

“Hey! Snap out of it.”

The spinning world stopped. Wiping the liquid dripping from my face, I saw my chest heaving like someone pulled from water.

Staring blankly, I realized only later that the person breathing so heavily was me, dulled to that extent.

“You okay? What’s wrong all of a sudden?”

The driver, looking back, was unusually flustered. The young man, likely in his late twenties, had always carried out Jihyuk’s orders without a hint of emotion.

He probably didn’t expect this. Neither did I. Fortunately, my gasping eased, and the overturned world returned. As he reached for his phone, possibly to call Jihyuk, I waved my hand to stop him.

“I’m okay… Really… I’m fine, so please… don’t call Jihyuk…”

I pleaded in a fading voice. Luckily, the driver didn’t want trouble either. Watching me stabilize, he muttered a curse and put his phone away. His expression wasn’t concern but annoyance at a nearly complicated situation.

Wiping my tear-soaked eyes, I leaned back, trying to calm my breathing. I was already exhausted without doing anything.

I should’ve stayed locked up at home. There, I could at least exist without thinking, just accepting Jihyuk’s intrusions.

My heaving chest gradually calmed. Turning my blank face, I looked out the window. The car had stopped at the school’s main gate. The sprawling scene was cruelly familiar.

It felt like ages since I’d seen the campus.

The bare trees still bore winter’s harsh marks. But I knew how this barren scene transformed in spring. Forsythia, azaleas, cherry blossoms… the campus in full bloom was breathtakingly beautiful.

Even amidst a life with no leisure, running around with a heavy backpack, I’d occasionally look up at the vibrant flowers to catch my breath. It lifted my spirits a bit.

Though my circumstances differed from the carefree students laughing under the flowering trees, I truly loved this place where I could feel spring’s essence without going far.

Now, I was someone unrelated to this scene, but I wanted to stand here on my own feet, just once. Not like a caged monkey peering through a car window.

The thought gripped me tightly, unshakable. Clenching and unclenching my fists, hesitating, I finally spoke.

“Um… Driver.”

The driver, fiddling with his phone, turned to me.

“Can I… step out here just once?”

“No.”

The refusal was immediate and sharp. But I didn’t give up and spoke again.

“I won’t go anywhere… I’ll just stand here.”

“…”

“I… as you saw, I can’t run. Even walking… is hard.”

After a brief, silent deliberation, the driver sighed and nodded.

“Fine. But stay right by the car.”

“…Okay.”

Maybe my earlier struggle stirred some pity, or perhaps my limping gait convinced him. He allowed it.

With a click, I pulled the door handle and opened it. Shaking legs touched the ground. A slight dizziness hit, but I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them.

And finally, I stood fully on the campus.

The chilly breeze pierced my body, but it was fine. It might seem pathetic or meaningless to others, but not to me. I wasn’t here to reminisce about the past.

Seeing this long-forgotten scene, the will to live, like a seed planted in barren soil, stirred within me unknowingly.

I wanted to stand here again as a student, not as someone who once lived here, but as someone who would return someday.

My will, castrated until now, and my eyes, only seeing what Jihyuk allowed, now actively took in the scene. Emotions born of my own will and appreciation, not dictated by Jihyuk, filled my heart.

With trembling eyes, I looked at the buildings and chattering students. Life sprouted in my blank gaze like new buds. Another cold breeze blew, but I didn’t feel the spring chill. The breath of spring filling my lungs was sweet.