NANOM Ch 20

“I… how I’ve lived all this time… how I’ve managed to survive.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, tears still leaking like a broken faucet. I knew there was no time to wallow in sentiment, but I couldn’t stop certain scenes from flashing before me.

The moment I reluctantly agreed to tutor Jihyuk despite his disdain for my financial situation. The insults from my student, telling me to be an obedient teacher while bringing up my family.

The days I comforted myself, telling myself I could endure this much for my family’s sake. The endless days, like a bottomless valley, where I closed my eyes and ears to the worsening situation, with nowhere to escape.

The countless long nights waking in fear, the days curled up in the shelter Jiwon provided, brainwashing myself that I could do anything for my mother—these moments stabbed at me like thorns.

But Jeonghee’s shout shattered those lingering images.

“What do you mean, how you’ve lived? What’s been so hard about your life?”

“…What…?”

“You did manual labor, worked as a club promoter! All you did was tutor a few kids! Everyone does that. Why are you the only one acting like you’re dying?”

Her words choked me. A pitiful sob escaped, and my streaming tears stopped.

“You… you… how could you…”

It was Jeonghee, of all people. Even if the whole world mocked me as a spineless fool for clinging to a student, my family shouldn’t have. To others, I was a pathetic, spineless idiot, but I didn’t want my family to be like that. They were the only thing I fought to protect while the world tore me apart.

Yet Jeonghee was blaming me, telling me not to complain. Her single sentence struck a fatal blow, piercing me deeper than all the insults and humiliations I’d endured.

My jaw trembled as if I’d lost the ability to speak. Looking down at my shaking form, Jeonghee ran a hand through her hair irritably and spat out words in a rapid tone.

“I tried to live well too, but it didn’t work out, okay? So stop showing up like this. I’m stressed too. I want to pay off the debt quickly, but it’s not that easy. We’re both trying, so just wait.”

Her calling me “oppa” snapped my crumbling mind awake. I demanded in a desperate tone,

“That guy… is he a gangster?”

“I don’t know!”

“Tell me the truth! What does that bastard do? What kind of guy scams you out of a hundred million won?”

A scream close to a wail burst out. But Jeonghee clamped her mouth shut and turned away, avoiding me. Losing all reason, I grabbed her shoulders and shook her violently.

“We’re… we’re all going to die like this! Do you know how scary loan sharks are, and you still took their money? Did he make you? Did that bastard tell you to get the money?”

“You said you knew everything! Then stop it!”

Jeonghee forcefully shook off my grip.

“He said it’s fine since I borrowed from people you know. What, you think it’s like on TV, where they smash up your house and threaten you?”

“Are you sure about that? How is it fine when it’s a hundred million won? Who’d lend that to a student like you?”

My cries were desperate, but they didn’t reach Jeonghee. Rubbing her stomach nervously, she said in an anxious tone,

“And I’m going to marry him. His business is in its early stages, so this is just temporary. He said we can start as soon as the debt’s paid off, and we’ll marry right after the business stabilizes.”

“You’re completely insane. What about school?”

At the mention of university, Jeonghee fell silent. Then she began to sob. As her lips trembled, the blood drained from my face. My gaze stopped on her stomach, which she was rubbing.

No. It couldn’t be. Not that. Please, not that.

Grabbing her shoulders again, I looked straight into her eyes.

“…Tell me the truth, Jeonghee.”

“…”

“Jeonghee.”

My scarred, trembling hands clutched hers. The circular brown mark on my wrist shook faintly.

“Say it’s not true. Please, say it’s not true. Tell me it’s not that.”

Her persistent silence already gave the answer.

I wanted to die right there, but if I broke down, we’d both collapse. Barely holding my crumbling heart together, I spoke in a trembling voice.

“It’s okay. I’ll find a hospital. It’s early, right? Your stomach’s not even showing, so it’s fine. I’ll figure it out. Let’s go to the hospital now, okay?”

But Jeonghee’s single sentence shattered my fragile heart.

“No… I’m going to keep it.”

“…What?”

“I’m going to have his baby.”

Her words swept through my already ruined heart like a storm, stripping away any will to act human. Forgetting we were at her school, I screamed.

“You’re insane. You’re completely insane!”

A beastly wail clawed its way out of my throat.

“Insane! You’re too immature for this! How could you push us—me, you, Mom—into this mess! How could you do this to me!”

Losing all reason, I grabbed Jeonghee and started hitting her back. My exhausted hands trembled as they struck her. Her face paled as she cried under my blows.

“Let go! You’re embarrassing me so much I can’t come back to school! Why don’t you just post it on the school board?”

“What? You’re saying that now…!”

“Get out! Leave now! Don’t come back. I’ll handle it myself.”

Sobbing, Jeonghee shook off my hand and ran up the stairs to the second floor. I chased her at full speed to catch her before she escaped into her room, but my starved, beaten body couldn’t keep up.

The door slammed shut in my face. I pounded on the locked door, screaming. My wails sounded less human, more like an animal’s.

“Open it! Open it now! Open this door! What are you doing!”

There was no response from inside. The commotion drew attention, and soon the administrator ran over, joined by the mister from earlier and another man. They grabbed my arms and dragged me out.

I was thrown out. The cold winter wind easily pierced my oversized, foolish clothes. Biting my already torn lips again, I crossed the wide campus. Tears stung my raw cheeks as they fell.

I must look like a madman. The blatant stares from passersby on my way to the subway confirmed it. But my life was too hopeless to care how strange I looked to others.

I begged for fare again and headed home. Most of my belongings were in the place Jiwon had rented for me in Daejeon, but some furniture remained. There’d be a few clothes left too.

If I let go of the fragile thread I was clutching, I’d truly become the madman people saw. Cynical thoughts dominated—what would holding on change? But I was still alive, and so was Jeonghee. And our mother, whom I hadn’t checked on in days.

If I threw myself from a high-rise now, I’d find relief, but I couldn’t abandon the two left behind. The responsibility was too heavy, but foolish me couldn’t let it go. I trudged toward my worn-out sanctuary, carrying it all.

Seeing the familiar gate, my suffocating breath eased slightly. I’d change clothes first. Hopefully, there was a padded jacket left. I’d warm some water, drink, and pull myself together. Then…

“What luck! Yo, Doosik! Looks like our day’s looking up.”

“Yeah, right? He walked right to us.”

But greeting me were men who’d already broken into my home. The group rummaging through my house didn’t need to be asked who they were—it was obvious. They approached, chuckling, and dragged me into the yard, roughly shoving my chest.

“Why so lifeless already? Huh? This kills the mood.”

“Looks like it’s not his first time. Hey, Kim Jeonghee’s oppa. Wanna see this first? Your sister’s debt record.”

One pulled out a crumpled, folded paper. I’d seen it before and didn’t want to again, but he lit a cigarette, unfolded the paper, and shoved it in my face.

The principal and interest totaled nearly a hundred million won, as Jihyuk said. Seeing the nearly 40% interest rate, my mind reeled.

“That girl borrowed fearlessly. Damn, what’s a broke family like this gonna do?”

“Seriously, look at this place.”

“Might as well sell her body. She’s twenty, not bad-looking. Park over there would love her.”

Their casual talk, as if it were everyday business, sent chills through me. Without thinking, my legs buckled. I knelt, grabbing the man’s leg.

“Please… please spare us. Don’t… don’t sell my sister to a place like that. I’m begging you.”

My voice cracked. The bravado from yelling at the dorm was gone. I knew instinctively their talk wasn’t just a threat to scare me.

The chuckling man playfully yanked my hair.

“If we don’t sell your sister, what, you gonna take her place, Kim Jeonghyun? Ever heard of a runner? Wanna try that?”

“Goddamn, saying all that to a kid…”

“Damn it, she spent like an adult, so what’s this ‘kid’ nonsense?”

“She didn’t spend it! You sell the one who spent it. Why punish Kim Jeonghyun, a bright Korea University student?”

They laughed as if my life were a fun game, then moved to another topic.

“Yongchul screws things up. Getting kids into gambling, letting debts pile up with us. What’s this, his seventh or eighth time?”

“The slick-looking ones are the dangerous ones. That’s why girls fall for them, giving up everything.”

Yongchul—if I remembered right, I’d seen that name on Jihyuk’s phone. From their talk, he was the habitual scammer who ruined Jeonghee’s life.

My vision darkened immeasurably. Where, when, had we walked into this hell? No, that didn’t matter now. Even in hell, escaping the flames came first.

“I’ll pay it back. I know someone I can borrow from. Please… just a few days. A few days…”

My hair was yanked again. The pain, like my scalp was being torn off, brought tears. This wasn’t the playful tug from before.

“Jeonghyun, we look laid-back, but we’re damn busy. Think we haven’t heard your kind of lies before? Three or four times a day, same story.”

The man hawked and spat on the floor.

“If you knew someone, you’d have borrowed and paid up already. Why make us leave the office? We wanna be desk jockeys too, but kids like you and your sister keep us in the field.”

His group laughed again. Another man patted the one grabbing me, as if calming him.

“Alright, stop. You’ll scare the kid. Jeonghyun, we’ll give you three days to show some effort.”

My collar was released. The man smiled almost kindly, spreading his fingers.

“Fifty million. How’s that? We’re patient, right? It’s a hundred million today, but we’ll give you three days. Pay fifty million. You can do that, right?”

“…Yes, I’ll pay.”

“Why so half-hearted?”

When my reply lagged, his face twisted.

“No choice, huh? Gotta protect your mom in XX Hospital and your sister in XX University’s dorm, room 203, right?”

I was stunned. I didn’t even have a few hundred thousand for Jeonghee’s surgery. But I could only nod, repeating in a trembling voice that I’d pay.

They left, joking about getting jajangmyeon. The rusty gate creaked as they exited, and only after their voices faded did I let my tears fall.

Life was too bitter, too toxic. The more I struggled to survive, the more it told me to die.

📖

There were only two places to call. As my mother’s illness dragged on, ties with relatives naturally faded. I recalled neighbors whispering that they avoided us kids, fearing we’d ask for help. So, no relatives to call.

The only close people with means were Woojae and Taejun hyung. No time to hesitate. I scrounged up about ten thousand won from the house, ran out, and called Taejun hyung from a payphone. Luckily, I vaguely remembered their numbers after Jihyuk repeatedly deleted them, forcing me to re-enter them.

Thankfully, Taejun hyung answered.

—Hello?

“Hyung!”

His familiar voice nearly brought tears. After a brief silence, he asked, surprised,

—…Jeonghyun? What’s this number? Where’s your phone?

“I… I’m in a situation. Hyung, can you…?”

I’d never asked Taejun hyung for money, no matter how tough things were. But pride and manners were useless when my sister faced being sold off.

“Can you… lend me some money?”

The silence over the phone felt endless.

—Money? Suddenly? …How much?

His voice couldn’t hide his shock. I swallowed hard.

“Fifty… fifty million.”

The amount was shameless coming from me. The silence stretched longer. Chewing on the toxic silence, I prayed. Please. Please. I know it’s shameless, but please.

—…Why? Jeonghyun, what’s going on?

“I… I…”

A sob choked me. Tears poured as I clutched the receiver, spilling my cries.

“…Jeonghee got mixed up with some guy… took out a loan. They say it’s a hundred million. Gangsters just came to my house…”

—…What? What’s all this?

“Hyung… hyung… I’m scared. I’m so scared…”

My sobbing voice poured out my suppressed feelings. Once it started, the tears wouldn’t stop. Over the phone, sighs kept breaking through.

—Jeonghyun, hold on. Calm down.

“Ugh… hyung, they said… if I don’t pay fifty million in three days, they’ll sell Jeonghee… to some awful place…”

—God… what’s happening.

Taejun hyung’s voice was filled with dismay. Hesitating, he spoke with difficulty.

—Listen, Jeonghyun… I feel terrible, but… it’s tough right now. What do I do?

“…Hyung…”

—You know, right? I’m dating someone with plans to marry. I told you last time.

Sighing heavily, he continued, clearly troubled. I remembered him mentioning at a drinking session that he’d marry once settled, even showing me his fiancée’s photo.

—This might sound selfish, but… her father’s entering politics, so anything tied to gangsters… I’m really sorry, but it’s tough now.

“…”

—What do I do, Jeonghyun? That money’s nothing between us, but… getting caught up with those guys…

He kept repeating “it’s nothing,” but the words didn’t reach me, veiled in haze.

I didn’t resent him. Just a numb despair clogged my chest. I pounded my chest frantically—thud, thud, thud. The familiar dull pain eased the choking. “Okay, hyung,” I said weakly, hanging up.

Click. With that sound, the pillar I’d cherished and relied on for years crumbled too easily.

He’s not family. No matter how close, he’s still an outsider, so it can’t be helped.

Even my own sister, bound by blood, was hurting me like this. I couldn’t blame a stranger… never.

Tears dripped, passersby glanced, but I had to pull myself together. I dialed the last number.

The last digit was fuzzy, and it took a couple of wrong calls to recall Woojae’s number. But all I got was, “The customer is unavailable…”

Thinking I’d visit Woojae’s place, I stepped out of the booth but stopped. I remembered he’d gone abroad for training last summer and said he’d do the same this winter. Foolishly, it hit me now.

“Haha…”

A dry laugh escaped. Once it started, laughter kept bursting from my chest.

“Haha… ha.”

The wind slipped through my frozen heart. Clutching the payphone, I laughed endlessly. Ahaha, haha. Hahaha… Tears still streamed. My torn lips split further with each laugh, oozing sharp blood.

At a dead end, all I could think of was banks and police. But my self-mockery deepened. Why would a bank lend to a mere student? The police? I’d be lucky not to get arrested for illegal gambling.

In the blinding darkness, a low, rough voice emerged.

“Ask me for help.”

“But you’ll regret it.”

The vast gap between those words now crashed over me. Jihyuk, staring as if binding me, had told me to ask for his help. His pitch-black eyes, ironically, had begged me. He’d extended a burning hand, urging me to take it.

But his eyes, when he spoke of regret as I made him bleed, no longer held that longing.

Physically hurting him hadn’t fazed him. What truly wounded him was my saying he was no different from Jiwon. From that moment, his gaze had turned irreversibly cold.

He’d reverted to a predator’s eyes. That arrogant, cruel gaze no longer held the intense warmth and desire he’d once extended to me.

“You’ll regret it.”

Even saying that, Jihyuk was certain I’d return. Sadly, he wasn’t wrong.

Knowing cold metal would click around my ankle, I had to step toward the bait in the trap.

📖

Another cigarette lit at my ear. Blood dripped from my torn skin.

I slowly rolled my tongue, spitting the bitter blood pooled in my mouth onto the floor without care. I hadn’t meant to do so, but showing any sign of trembling or breaking down would only prolong this, so I kept my back straight and took the harsh beating unflinchingly.

“Are you out of your mind? Going crazy over some poor teacher?”

My father shouted, shaking off his bloodied hand. This was the first time he’d beaten me so severely, but since it was an expected outcome, I could remain calm.

Woo Jiwon, whom I’d beaten to near death, was taken away by an ambulance and diagnosed with injuries requiring over six months of recovery. They said it was fortunate he wasn’t permanently disabled.

When my mother heard the news, she fainted on the spot. Naturally, the news reached my father in the U.S. immediately. Right after Kim Jeonghyun ran out, I went to my family’s home myself. It was something I had to face sooner or later.

As always, my mother treated me like a ghost, throwing salt at me. Pushing through the commotion, I silently knocked on my father’s study door. The moment it opened, something heavy flew at me, crashing against the wall. I glanced down at my father’s cherished pottery, now shattered into hundreds of pieces, and checked the time. I hoped this would end within an hour.

I knew well that my father’s deep-seated belief in me, his son, might waver slightly but would never be uprooted. I was certain of that.

“What’s the problem? Have you and Jiwon both lost it?”

“…”

“Did you think I didn’t know about all the things you did in the U.S.? I let it slide because it’s natural for a hot-blooded young man. But this? This is unacceptable! A man? You and Jiwon must be completely insane!”

His bellowing voice rang loudly in my ears. Thankfully, the blood trickling down my forehead and cheeks hid the bored expression I was openly wearing.

But I couldn’t endure the tedium any longer. Listening to the same repeated words over and over was something I wanted no more of.

“Are you done hitting me, Father?”

“You little…!”

Something flew toward my cheek again—this time, a fist. I considered grabbing his wrist but instead clenched my teeth and took the blow. Feeling the oddly weak punch land squarely on my face, I was struck again by the certainty I’d felt earlier.

No matter what, he wouldn’t disown me.

A chuckle slipped out. I lowered my gaze slightly, directing a faint smile at my father.

“Father, you know Mother always treated me like a psychopath, right?”

“…What?”

As expected, my father’s heavy breathing faltered for a moment.

“Don’t act like you didn’t know. She said I’d devour Woo Jiwon someday, treating me like some three-headed monster. Always doting on Woo Jiwon, never showing me any love, like I was some illegitimate child.”

“…”

“But I never lacked for anything. That’s entirely thanks to you, Father. I grew up without feeling any deprivation.”

A cool smile spread across my face. My father’s mouth was now completely shut.

“But I hate Woo Jiwon. And I hate Mother. I think that’s just a natural feeling.”

Even as I spoke, it felt so theatrical I could barely stifle a laugh, but I lowered my eyes and held it in. “I hate Woo Jiwon and Mother.” It was so foolishly absurd that if someone else had said it, I’d have smacked them on the head and mocked them with a laugh.

“Honestly, I’m a bit disappointed I didn’t beat Woo Jiwon harder. He’s already useless, so maybe I should’ve made him bedridden for life. I couldn’t sleep at night thinking about it. Once he recovers, he’ll be back, buzzing around me, coveting what’s mine, taking everything. That’s what he’ll do, right?”

My sincere voice was calm and steady. If my mother had heard this, she’d have collapsed on the spot. But my father, though slightly pale, stood firm, lips tightly pressed.

I straightened up, facing him directly. Our sharp gazes clashed, pulling a taut line in the air.

“Father, I’ll become everything you want me to be. I’ll take the seat you pass down to me. So.”

My voice was unwavering. Watching my father, who had stopped beating his son and was now listening silently, I gave him the same bright smile I used to flash as a child when he showered me with toys.

“Let me have what I want this time. Then there’ll be no more trouble.”

Unwrapped, my polished words meant that if he didn’t comply, I wouldn’t leave his beloved mother and Woo Jiwon alone.

But I believed my father would understand the underlying meaning. If he let this slide and allowed me to have my way with Kim Jeonghyun, I’d willingly play the obedient, controllable son, just like the days when he cherished and was proud of his second son.

I’d always vaguely known. My father was like me. That’s why, no matter how many kids I beat up, he always protected me. He despised weakness and admired strength. It was only natural he’d cast Woo Jiwon aside early and place his hopes in me.

My father bit his lip hard.

“So, you’re saying I should just watch my son chase after a man?”

“Father, do I really seem like the type to chase after guys?”

A snicker escaped. My already dried-up, brittle inner self had nothing left to sprout.

“I was just bored with the same old taste and wanted to try something new. You know, right? You’re the one who told me to experience everything as a man.”

Hearing such blatantly crude words, my father’s face looked utterly stunned, his mouth slightly agape.

After staring at me silently for a while, he let out a long sigh from deep within. Tossing the documents he held onto the table, he groaned.

“…It’s not that simple. That teacher’s tangled up with some troublesome people. Parasites. If it were just gambling debts, it’d be easy to handle, but he recklessly borrowed from loan sharks, filthy vermin.”

“That amount is nothing, isn’t it?”

“Sure, you could cover it and more. So you’ve got nothing to fear. But it’s dirty money. There’s no reason for you to pay it off. It could stain your future.”

“I’ll handle it, Father. That kind of thing won’t affect your business or my future.”

Facing his still-complicated expression, I slowly stepped closer to his tall frame. I reached out, kindly straightening his disheveled appearance from beating his son.

I pulled the handkerchief from his pocket. With reverence, I gently took his hand, lifting it softly, and carefully wiped the dripping blood. As always, I smiled like his beloved second son.

“I’ll play with him until I’m bored, then get rid of him cleanly, Father. So just leave me be.”