NANOM Ch 13

The voice meant to snap back at him was swallowed by another long yawn that burst out. Wiping away a tear that trickled down the corner of my eye, I slowly blinked.

“…I’m really going to sleep now. I’m sleepy…”

“Then don’t hang up, just keep it to your ear.”

Jihyuk’s low, laughing voice was moist.

“What for…”

“There’s a lot I can do. With the sound of your breathing, Teacher.”

“You’re really cra…zy.”

“What are you thinking, again. You were thinking something dirty, weren’t you?”

“…I’m going to sleep. I’m hanging up now.”

“If you hang up, I’m coming over to your house right now.”

It was like this every day. What was so enjoyable about such a conversation with no substance or point, Jihyuk made sure to have such calls every single day. Still, compared to the time when the dangerous atmosphere was brimming to the point of overflowing, it couldn’t help but feel much more comfortable.

However, sometimes these peaceful moments with Jihyuk came to me as a great fear. When he was being forceful with me, threatening and tormenting me, his intentions felt clear. A toy to simply alleviate his boredom. That version of Jihyuk, rather, instilled in me a clear will to endure for my own benefit.

In comparison, the gentle version of Jihyuk was a much greater source of confusion for me. What he wants from me, why he is acting this way. The more I thought about it, the more I was afraid because I kept coming up with absurd hypotheses.

Jihyuk still jeered at my identity and frequently mocked me. At the same time, he would also say things like ‘it’s nice being g**’ in a joking tone. Seeing that Jihyuk, I had been half-convinced and half-doubtful about the possibility I was sensing dozens, hundreds of times.

But, without my truly absurd assumption, Jihyuk’s behavior just couldn’t be explained.

In a normal teacher-student relationship, would it be possible for a tutee to call his teacher every night, study to get into the same university as me, and incessantly prattle on about wanting to do something to me? To dismiss Jihyuk’s actions as merely teasing and ignore them, the emotions Jihyuk poured out towards me would, from time to time, hit me with a weight that was hard to bear.

But I really didn’t want to know about his feelings. The moment I acknowledged it as real, I felt like something truly terrible would happen. This was a massive emotion that couldn’t even be compared to the awkwardness I felt when I thought Jiwon might like me. Yes, it was fear.

I just wanted to run away. I wanted to escape from Jihyuk’s feelings before they grew larger. After helping him safely take the CSAT, to get out of Jihyuk’s sight and wait for his fickle interest to subside. That was the scenario I was hoping for.

It didn’t seem impossible either. Luck was on my side, as it happened. Jihyuk was annoyed, saying his father, who was about to leave on another long business trip, was insisting on taking him along. The departure date was the day after the CSAT, and while the period his father originally mentioned was two months, they apparently compromised on about a month.

Honestly, at first, my initial thought was that it was surprising Jihyuk would meekly obey his father. But thinking back to the relationship I saw at the dinner table that one time, it was a little understandable. In his relationship with his father, Jihyuk was by no means the type to act out of his own accord. Rather, he seemed to act cleverly and slyly secure his own interests from his father.

“But why… is he trying to take you with him?”

“To watch and learn how the business works before he hands the company over to me.”

To Jihyuk, who added a curse at the end of his words, saying it was a hassle, I hesitated for a moment before asking honestly.

“…Is he not taking Jiwon with him?”

“Originally, my father doesn’t pay much attention to Woo Jiwon on the business side of things. Since he’s going to hand it over to me anyway.”

Don’t they usually pass it down to the firstborn? Such a question arose, but I silently kept it to myself. It wasn’t my business to be curious about anyway.

Rather, it was a fortunate thing for me. A few days ago, due to Jiwon’s persuasion laced with threats, I finally moved my mother to the hospital in Daejeon. And Jiwon was now having someone prepare the place where I would live.

After the CSAT ends and Jihyuk leaves the country with his father, in the meantime, I will move to the house in Daejeon that Jiwon has prepared for me. And as soon as the semester ends, I will take a leave of absence and devote myself to my mother’s rehabilitation. That was Jiwon’s and my plan.

“But you guys have people watching… and all that. Jihyuk will find out where I’m going anyway.”

“I’ll take care of all that. Don’t worry.”

Smiling with an air of confidence, Jiwon added an explanation. He would bribe the watcher Jihyuk was using in reverse to prevent any information from reaching Jihyuk’s ears. He said I didn’t need to worry because it was his father, not him, who was handling it.

To be honest, hearing that even Jiwon’s father was involved in this made the burden feel even greater, but ironically, a part of me felt a little lighter. If it were something managed solely by Jiwon, I, who couldn’t accept his feelings, would have felt nothing but an unbearably heavy pressure and guilt.

But back then, Jihyuk’s father had even given me his business card and said so. He was thankful for helping Jihyuk get into university, and to contact him when I needed help. Those words were now my only salvation and justification.

Yes, as soon as the CSAT is over.

I let out a small sigh and rested my head, heavy with all sorts of thoughts, on the desk.

There was no way I could be at ease receiving such a huge favor from a complete stranger. Also, I couldn’t be sure if Jihyuk would really lose interest in me so meekly.

But as of now, I couldn’t think of any other way. It was cowardly, but I wanted to save my mother, and I also wanted to run away from Jihyuk.

In the brief nap I fell into while closing my eyes on the desk, I dreamt that Jihyuk was chasing me. I flailed and woke up, wiping the cold sweat that had formed on my forehead with the back of my hand. On the phone I had placed on the desk, a trivial message from Jihyuk had arrived. I put the phone back down and let out a long, long sigh.

📖

The days have gotten really short.

When I study at the school library, I always take a break and a meal around seven in the evening. Buying cup ramen or a triangle kimbap from the convenience store on the first floor of the building and eating my dinner alone on a bench has been a habit since I was a freshman.

While munching on things like kimbap or ramen, I blankly watched the campus scenery. Watching the evening scenery, which changed its appearance little by little with the flow of time, I would feel the passing of the seasons.

Just a few weeks ago, if I came out at this time, I could watch the sunset embroidering the sky red as if to set it on fire. Now, all that remains in the place where dusk has fallen and passed is darkness. The chill that touches the skin has also become fully present before I knew it. I zipped up my thin jumper and stood up from my seat.

Although I had finished my incredibly simple meal, I couldn’t go right back in and loitered around the library building entrance. The act of calling a student who was about to take the CSAT was something that made me hesitate several times. But to the messages I had sent time and again, Jiwon had always glossed over them without giving a clear answer.

Backed into a corner, I had no other choice, and I wanted to hear a proper answer today. After a few rings, Jiwon answered the phone.

—Hello.

Jiwon’s voice was fortunately calm. With a flustered gesture, I pressed the phone tightly to my ear.

“…Uh, it’s me, Jiwon. Sorry for calling so suddenly. …You’re busy, aren’t you.”

—It’s okay. You knew it was my break time when you called.

Hearing Jiwon’s voice, which showed no signs of annoyance, a feeling of gladness welled up for no reason, and I asked Jiwon with a desperate heart.

“Jiwon. Um… I’m sorry to keep rushing you, but.”

—Teacher.

However, my voice, which had been briefly lively, was buried by Jiwon’s firm call.

—You’re asking about your brother’s situation, right?

“Uh… yeah.”

—As I told you last time, there’s nothing particularly unusual.

After I asked him to watch Jeonghee, Jiwon said he immediately assigned a watcher. But for several weeks since then, the answer that came back was the same.

—He goes to school. Goes to his part-time job. Comes to the dorm and sleeps. That was all?

Today too, the same answer drained all my energy. Just as I was about to ask if he could tell me in a little more detail, Jiwon once again laid it down in his usual tone.

—That was it. There haven’t been any problems lately, right? You said he’s been good about staying in touch, too.

“…That’s true, but.”

As Jiwon said, after he went off the grid last weekend, I had notified Jeonghee via message that ‘if I can’t contact you anymore, I will report it to the police.’ Immediately after, Jeonghee contacted me, and I soothed him with a mixture of scolding and pleading threats. To please, at least answer my calls.

Since then, Jeonghee had been formally answering my calls, and I had seen his face once. He also no longer asked to borrow money.

However, he still wouldn’t tell me why he had borrowed money back then, or what he had spent it on. I tried coaxing, soothing, and even getting angry, but it was of no use.

I had informed Jeonghee that I would be moving my mother to a hospital in Daejeon and that I would be taking a semester off to care for her, and asked for Jeonghee’s opinion. In response, Jeonghee said he himself wanted to continue attending school without taking a break, and I also agreed with that opinion. I didn’t expect anything more from Jeonghee, who would barely come to see our mother once every two or three weeks anyway. I just hoped he would graduate from school safely without causing any major trouble.

Jiwon soothed me in a mature tone.

—Teacher. Try not to worry too much. For now, nothing is happening, right? You said he hasn’t been asking for money lately either.

“…Yeah.”

—Well, he might have just been going through a rebellious phase and gotten his act together. Just wait a little longer. I’ll let you know right away if anything unusual comes up.

The sigh that had pooled coldly in my chest, I blew it out into a circle outside my mouth. The hazy white breath lingered at the tip of my lips for a moment before disappearing. Anyway, there was only one answer I could give.

“…Thank you. Then… Jiwon, I’m counting on you. For our Jeonghee.”

Since I wasn’t the one paying for and hiring the watcher, I had no right to press Jiwon. All I could do was to ask so earnestly with all my heart.

However, unlike my endlessly sorrowful heart, Jiwon answered with a simple smile.

—Don’t mention it. Between us.

“…Yeah.”

—More importantly, Teacher. My exam is just a few days away now. Aren’t you going to wish me luck?

Listening to Jiwon’s words, which sounded like he was whining, I tried my best to swallow the sigh that was once again welling up in my chest. And I forced a bright voice.

“…Good luck, Jiwon. You can do it. You’ve done well so far.”

—Thank you. Teacher. I’m going to go study now.

“Okay. Sorry for bothering you.”

—It’s okay.

I habitually raised my fist to thump my chest, but then I remembered Jiwon, who particularly disliked this habit, and dropped my fist again. With my head bowed, I kicked the empty ground hard with the tip of my foot, thump, thump. If I didn’t do at least this, I felt like my breath would be blocked and I would never be able to breathe again.

📖

In the hazy flurries of snow, the morning of the CSAT finally dawned.

As soon as I woke up, I sent messages to Jihyuk and Jiwon, wishing them well on their exam. They were kids I had only taught for a few months, and there had been all sorts of incidents, but the fact that they were my students hadn’t changed, so I couldn’t help but feel concerned.

That’s why I was constantly preoccupied even while listening to my lectures. I looked at the clock all day, wondering what problems the kids were solving at that moment, and from time to time, I would think about such things. Is Jiwon doing well right now? Jihyuk must be concentrating well. To be honest, I was a little more concerned about Jihyuk than Jiwon, who had applied for early admission.

After spending the day anxiously, I called them at the time the exam ended. The first person I called was Jihyuk. But Jihyuk didn’t answer the phone. I gnawed on my lip and this time, I called Jiwon.

—Teacher!

Jiwon’s voice, which answered the phone cheerfully, was already telling me the results of the day.

“Oh, it’s me. You worked so hard taking the exam.”

—It’s all thanks to you, Teacher. Really…

Jiwon chirped in an excited voice.

—I’ll have to check the preliminary scoring, but I think it went well. And anyway, the early admission results are tomorrow.

“Right. Don’t worry about anything today and have fun. Everything will work out fine.”

—Yes. Teacher, it feels so good to think that it’s all over now. Now I can send you off to Daejeon and go see you all the time.

His voice was completely fervent. Feeling a strange discomfort, I was about to ask back ‘what?’, but Jiwon quickly added on and hung up the phone before I could.

—Ah, Teacher. I’m getting a call right now. I’m hanging up. I’ll call you back tomorrow!

The call ended in an instant. I looked down at my phone with a bitter feeling. It seems Jiwon is just happy that I’m going down to Daejeon. Regardless of the reason I’m going to Daejeon.

But I soon dismissed the thought I had just had. Right, Jiwon is helping me this much. It would be too greedy of me to ask him to understand my feelings on top of that. There’s no need for that either. Thinking like that, my agitated heart calmed down again.

I tried calling Jihyuk again, but as expected, he didn’t answer. I sent a text saying [You worked hard today taking the exam.] and turned off the phone screen.

Jihyuk did well too, right?

It was a little surprising that I hadn’t heard from Jihyuk yet. I couldn’t help but worry. For now, I packed my bag and left the classroom. Outside the already dark window, I could see light snow flurries.

He’s not answering the phone now, but maybe Jihyuk will ask to see me today? Since he said he was leaving the country with his father tomorrow.

I thought that far as I headed to the library, then let out a self-deprecating laugh. Have I lost my mind? Today was the day of the CSAT. The liberation day for all high school seniors in the Republic of Korea. There was no way Woo Jihyuk would come to see me on a day like this. A kid with so many friends. He’s probably busy playing right now.

Because the lecture ended later than usual, I ate a simple triangle kimbap at the convenience store and went into the library. Finals are just around the corner now. Come to think of it, after this semester ends, it’s goodbye to this place for half a year. Thinking that made me feel strangely restless. It’s not like I’m quitting school for good.

I’m usually the type to sit still and concentrate for two or three hours, but today, for some reason, I couldn’t concentrate at all. I tried to immerse myself in my book several times, but in the end, I packed up my things with a short sigh and stood up. Anyone who saw me would think I was the one who took the exam today.

While taking the subway home, I thought about the unfamiliar yet near future I would have in a new place that wasn’t here. I had lived in one place like a fixture for over 20 years. A new home, and moving to another city at that, felt very unsettling yet heart-fluttering to me.

However, the move was not something I was doing with my own abilities. The stone that had been placed in a corner of my heart on the day I received that offer from Jiwon was getting heavier day by day, pressing down on me.

No matter how much his father said he would give me those things without expecting anything in return, and even if I didn’t have the ability to repay him right now, I wanted to repay him someday. I had to live by vowing to do so every day to be able to breathe a little.

When I got off at the subway station, I could see the sky from which large snowflakes were still falling. The fluffy snow was piling up more and more on the ground.

As I trudged home, I watched the strangely excited streets. Perhaps because the CSAT was over, kids who looked to be around Jihyuk’s and Jiwon’s age were pouring out in groups, catching taxis or buses. Seeing them all dressed up in their own way, they must be going out to have fun somewhere.

Jiwon and Jihyuk are probably doing that right now too. The moment I unconsciously turned my head toward the alley leading to my house, I held my breath.

A familiar figure was standing under the streetlight.

“Teacher.”

For a moment, I thought I was seeing things. With my eyes wide, I almost ran towards Jihyuk.

“W-what happened? Why are you… here?”

“The CSAT is over.”

“I know! So why did you come here on a day like this. You should go hang out with your friends.”

At a loss for more words, I stared at him, and Jihyuk smiled slyly at me.

“Aren’t you going to praise me? Your tutee who did well on the CSAT.”

His smiling face was the same as usual. But my gaze didn’t land on his coolly upturned lips or his eyes glinting with mischief.

It was the snow that was lightly piling up on his hair and the padding jacket he had casually thrown on. It was the white puffs of breath bursting from the thick knuckles of his hands, red and numb with cold, and his red, flushed lips. His earlobes were so red they looked like they would fall off.

Since when on earth had he been here? Seeing the red, frozen Jihyuk, I felt somewhat dumbfounded. As if my mouth was frozen, I stared at him blankly before I could barely open my mouth.

“Why are you… like this. How long have you been waiting?”

“I came right after the preliminary scoring.”

The tall body stood still without a single movement, looking down at me. Bathed in the streetlight pouring from behind his head. There was no wavering in his gaze that was fixed on me, so the snowflakes fluttering in the orange light felt rather unreal. Because the only thing moving between him and me was the snowflakes.

Hearing Jihyuk’s answer, I was even more at a loss for words. The question ‘why’ was something I had already asked him too many times, and I now knew the answer. But why did that answer always feel so unfamiliar and unbelievable? Maybe it’s because whenever I look at the person named Jihyuk, I just can’t bring myself to think that he could like someone.

After staring blankly at Jihyuk for a moment, I was suddenly reminded of my position as a teacher.

“Ah. You… worked hard taking the exam. I actually called you earlier to tell you that. Why didn’t you answer my calls…”

“I wanted to give you a surprise.”

Jihyuk said that and kicked the snow-covered ground with the tip of his foot, thump. The white snow powder rose a little under the red streetlight before settling down again.

“I’m cold and hungry. Make me some ramen.”

“You still haven’t had dinner?”

I raised my voice in surprise. It was almost nine o’clock now.

“That’s why you should have come sooner.”

Beyond the white puffs of breath, Jihyuk’s red, frozen ears came into view once again. Woo Jihyuk, who had waited for me in front of my house without having dinner on the day the CSAT ended.

For some reason, I felt a little strange. I couldn’t bring myself to kick him out.

“…Come in. I’ll make you ramen.”

Jihyuk smiled in satisfaction. I led Jihyuk, who was thoroughly soaked in the cold winter air, into the house and pointed to the bathroom first. I was embarrassed to show him the small, old bathroom, but I had no choice right now.

“Wash your hands here… and wait outside. I’ll bring it right out.”

This was the second time Jihyuk had come to my house. Since Jihyuk’s first visit, which I didn’t want to recall, he surprisingly didn’t try to suddenly show up at my house or enter without permission. The only times I saw him were at his house on tutoring days. And then to come running to my house as soon as the exam was over.

‘…Come to think of it, today will be the last time. We won’t be seeing each other anymore.’

I thought that as I stirred the ramen with chopsticks in front of the gas stove. The contractual relationship with Madam was ending today, and after I received this month’s payment, I would have no reason to visit that mansion anymore.

Since he said he did well on the exam, he’ll probably be able to get into Korea University easily. Since I was planning to take a leave of absence from the next semester, I probably wouldn’t run into Jihyuk on that wide campus.

To Jihyuk, who had everything from looks to money, the new university life he was about to start would feel very enjoyable. By the time I return to school around next autumn, the feelings towards me that are currently stirring within Jihyuk will all have subsided. What will remain in their place like dregs will probably be just my face or name. Maybe he’ll even forget all of those things.

That was what I hoped for from Jihyuk. To do that, smoothly getting away from him was the priority. Now that he said the preparations for moving into the place in Daejeon were all finished, I should pack my things for a few days after Jihyuk leaves tomorrow. The moving day was set for a week from now, so after moving, I would have to commute from Daejeon for a while. And then, around the end of the semester, Jihyuk would return to Korea.

It’ll be okay. By then, he would have been on a long trip, and it would be the end-of-the-year season and all that. When he comes back to Korea, he’ll be so busy having fun with his friends that he’ll completely forget about his past tutor. Just one ordinary person like me.

Various thoughts swirled complicatedly in my mind. And yet, my hands were faithfully cooking the ramen. Just like last time, I cooked three packets of ramen and added eggs too. After setting up the low dining table and serving the ramen, I brought it into the room and said quietly.

“…Go ahead and eat. You must be hungry.”

Jihyuk shot up, took the table from my hands, and placed it on the floor. Then, in a natural motion, he connected the laptop he had left last time, turned on an entertainment show, and lowered the volume. It was the same laptop that was still sitting in my house because no matter how many times I tried to return it, he would get annoyed and say, “Just keep it, Teacher. You want me to take your phone again?”

We ate ramen for a while with the sound of the TV program in the background. Just like last time, Jihyuk ate well. After clearing the table, I washed the one pot and two bowls, glancing into the room out of the corner of my eye.

However, Jihyuk still showed no signs of leaving. He was just lying leisurely in the room, watching the program he had put on the laptop earlier. Should I ask him when he’s going to leave? I was hesitating as I entered the room.

“Give me a toothbrush.”

My eyes widened at Jihyuk’s natural request.

“What? Why a toothbrush…”

“I’m sleeping over.”

“…What did you say?”

His attitude was excessively bold. I was dumbfounded looking at Jihyuk’s face, which seemed to ask why not.

“No. Go home and sleep.”

“How can I go when it’s snowing and cold outside.”

“You have your driver…!”

“He’s already off work. Are you telling me to call someone who’s gone home at this hour?”

I was flabbergasted by his shameless attitude of selling out his driver. I shook my head and put on a firm expression.

“Still, no. Take a taxi or something.”

“Do you hate me that much?”

“…What?”

Startled by the sudden outburst, I stared at Jihyuk’s face. Jihyuk, who was leaning askew against the wall and looking up at me, had already wiped the expression from his face. His tone had already hardened, as if he was quite displeased.

“I’m leaving the country tomorrow, aren’t you even sad? I was just waiting for the day I could hang out with you after the CSAT.”

“……”

“The more I think about it, the more I don’t want to fucking go… should I just not go?”

There was no hint of a joke on Jihyuk’s face as he muttered. Looking at that face, I had no choice but to gnaw on my lip.

The Jihyuk I knew was more than capable of doing just that. This can’t happen. For now, I had to coax and soothe him into leaving the country. With a sigh, I rummaged through the cupboard and brought out a new toothbrush.

“…Haaah…. In return, you have to leave the country quietly tomorrow.”

“Do you want to send me away that badly?”

Jihyuk’s mood, as he snorted, still seemed twisted.

“It’s not that… it’s a promise you made with your father. It’ll be a big problem if you suddenly don’t go without notice.”

Without answering, Jihyuk slowly got up and headed to the bathroom. Seeing the door close and hearing the sound of water, it seemed he was even taking a shower. It must be really small in there… A wave of embarrassment washed over me again.

While Jihyuk was washing up, I quickly wiped the floor and took out the bedding. It was a house where I basically lived alone, and since Jeonghee had taken all his bedding to the dormitory, there was only one set of bedding for one person. There was one more spare bedding set, but it smelled so musty that it was at a level where I couldn’t possibly take it out.

I’ll lay this out for him, and I’ll have to sleep on a thin blanket or something. With a short sigh, I rummaged through the closet. He’d have to change his clothes after washing up, but there were no clothes that would fit Jihyuk’s huge frame. I had no choice but to take out the largest t-shirt and shorts I owned.

The door opened, and Jihyuk came out of the bathroom with a frown on his face. He was still in the same clothes he had come in.

“Why on earth does the water go from hot to cold?”

“…My house is just like that.”

I replied bluntly and entered the bathroom. A blast of cold air hit me from Jihyuk’s body as he passed by, perhaps because only cold water had come out at the end.

I had no choice but to wash up myself, barely managing the water that went back and forth. After a difficult shower, I came out to see Jihyuk lying on the bedding I had laid out, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, playing a game on his phone. Seeing him lying there so comfortably, I was so dumbfounded that a dry laugh escaped me without me realizing.

“Why on earth are you… here doing this on such a great day.”

“I’m doing what I wanted to do most.”

Jihyuk, still focused on the screen, replied nonchalantly as he moved his thumb. I was applying lotion to my face when I paused at Jihyuk’s next words.

“But aren’t you curious about my score? You’re a teacher.”

“…Of course I’m curious. Why wouldn’t I be.”

There was no way I wouldn’t be curious. As Jihyuk said, I was his teacher. However, I felt embarrassed to ask a kid who just came from taking an exam about his score right away, so I was waiting for him to tell me first. And at his next words, my eyes widened.

“I got almost everything right.”

“…What? Really?”

My face lit up, and I went over and sat down next to the lying Jihyuk.

Considering his usual skills, it wasn’t impossible. If he didn’t solve the problems roughly and instinctively as was his usual habit, but instead solved them step-by-step according to the formula until the end. But it was certainly not something anyone could do.

However, Jihyuk seemed excessively calm for the achievement he had accomplished. The image of an examinee soaked in a sense of accomplishment and full of dreams was nowhere to be found. Jihyuk was just, right now, the usual him who wanted to be praised by me. The way he would quickly solve problems during tutoring and try to play a prank on me in any way he could.

Seeing me with my eyes sparkling like a child, Jihyuk burst into laughter.

“Now you’re finally happy. Hurry up and praise me.”

I felt a little embarrassed, wondering if I had shown too much emotion for a moment. It’s not like I dramatically improved Jihyuk’s score, I just helped out a kid who was already good…

Still, what’s good is good, and what’s joyful is joyful. Even if I would no longer see this kid, I wanted to express the pure joy I felt as a teacher right now. For almost the first and last time, I raised my hand with my own voluntary will.

Jihyuk’s eyes twinkled playfully as he lowered his head slightly. His gaze was still stuck tenaciously on my face. Feeling a little burdened, I tried not to meet his eyes and placed my hand on Jihyuk’s head. And I slowly stroked it.

“Good job, Jihyuk.”

At that moment, my wrist was caught.

“Only with words.”

Jihyuk, who had muttered in a low voice, pulled my arm. With a thump, my back hit the bedding I had laid out.

Jihyuk’s face came into my field of vision at a familiar angle. The moment I met the gaze of a starved beast looking down at me, a dry swallow went down my throat with difficulty.

“W-wait a minute. Let go of this…”

“Don’t tell me to let go.”

Greatly flustered, I tried to pull my captured wrist away, but Jihyuk spoke in a low voice and tightened his grip on my wrist. The amiable set of his lips, which had relaxed when I was stroking his head just a moment ago, was already firmly set.

“…Because it’s been fucking hard to hold back all this time.”

The stubborn tone pierced my ears. The large hand tightened its grip a little more. I looked up at Jihyuk with eyes filled with fear. I had already been helplessly pinned down by Jihyuk in this position several times, and each time, Jihyuk had used violence, such as pressing me down with his knee or biting my wrist. The impending pain was expected, and my eyes automatically winced.

Jihyuk’s face slowly approached. I squeezed my eyes shut and shouted.

“…Don’t…!”

But my outburst of a scream was rendered meaningless as Jihyuk slowly leaned his body down and covered me.

I was so surprised that I froze with my eyes wide open. Jihyuk’s actions defied all my expectations.

“…Wha-what are you doing right now…”

My wrists were still caught by Jihyuk and pressed onto the blanket, but Jihyuk’s actions were different from his usual way of toying with me, mocking me, and trying to crush me with force. It was clumsy and awkward, but he was clearly trying to treat me preciously.

Both my wrists suddenly felt light. Jihyuk, having let go of my wrists, put his hands behind the back of my head and neck and embraced me even more deeply. Thump, thump. The vibration resonating from him was so strong that my right chest, pressed tightly against Jihyuk’s body, felt painful. It felt as if Jihyuk’s heart was about to open its mouth and swallow me whole.

Jihyuk, who had been holding me in that position for a while, slowly pulled away. His sharp, cool gaze as he looked down at me was compressed with countless emotions.

Jihyuk’s tightly sealed lips opened. He uttered my name in a low voice.

“Jeonghyun.”

Bewilderment. Fear. And, a premonition that things couldn’t go on like this.

A large hand slowly cupped my chin and face. Jihyuk’s face, who was sitting on top of my body, was too close. As soon as I recognized that fact, a fierce gaze that had fiercely suppressed emotions snatched my attention. And at the same time, Jihyuk’s lips descended on my forehead. Just like last time.

The moment the hot lips touched me, I was startled and pushed against Jihyuk’s chest. But Jihyuk, paying no mind, pressed down on my torso and moved his trajectory to both my eyelids. Jihyuk’s lips, which had kissed both my eyes without a sound, lingered on the bridge of my nose for a moment before pulling away.

My breath, which I had unconsciously started to hold, became ragged. Jihyuk’s eyes, stained with passion, were embedded in my trembling vision.

“Stop. Stop… just a moment, eup.”

The feeble force trying to push his shoulders away was mercilessly blocked by the solid body pressing down on me. Hot breaths mingled beyond our lips.

And, Jihyuk’s lips finally pressed down on mine.

My breath automatically stopped. The thoughts that had been multiplying as if to explode all ceased in an instant. However, Jihyuk’s eyes, looking down at me, showed not even a slight tremble.

Pulling away the lips that had been precariously touching, Jihyuk commanded in a dry voice.

“Open your mouth.”