NANOM Ch 12

Over the weekend, Jeonghee never showed up in the end. Using the laptop Jihyuk had left behind, I tried contacting him through the messenger with a persistence bordering on obsession, but not a single message showed a ‘read’ receipt.

At this point, I was about to go crazy with anxiety. I swallowed a nervous breath and, like a caged animal, stood up and paced around the room again and again. My fingers kept stinging. I glanced down and saw that the skin under my fingernails was raw and red, peeled away. I had been unconsciously chewing on my fingers repeatedly, giving them no time to heal.

I wished I would at least get a call from Jeonghee demanding money. Then I could at least hear his voice. I have no idea what on earth is going on. Is he okay? He must be safe, right? The anxious premonition swelled in an instant, shaking my entire being.

In the end, with frantic hands, I put Jihyuk’s laptop in my bag, slung it over my shoulder, and went out. I planned to act like a madman and go all the way to Jeonghee’s school dormitory.

However, the manager on the first floor of the dormitory stopped me. There was no way an outsider like me could enter a women’s dormitory in the first place. I had no choice but to earnestly ask him to have the room’s occupant contact me when he returned, and then turn back.

I felt so helpless that I thought I would cry. Every situation was beyond my control. It was my life, yet there was nothing I could control. Jihyuk’s laptop, which I had carried heavily on my back instead of a phone, felt even heavier.

Did any messages come through? I sat alone on a chair in a corner of the first floor of the dormitory building where the Wi-Fi was available and opened the laptop. Just then, a message came from Jiwon.

[Teacher. When should we have our tutoring session next week?]

The moment I saw Jiwon’s name, my heart suddenly started pounding. Jihyuk would eventually see the messages I exchanged. He might even be watching right now. For now, I first replied as calmly as I could, [Let’s do Wednesday around 2 PM. Like last time.]

Just yesterday, I had thought of Jiwon but had decided against asking for his help. However, between yesterday and today, my feelings had changed as much as heaven and earth.

Seeing that there was no contact even today, the day I was supposed to meet Jeonghee, I thought it might be a more dangerous situation than I had imagined. And Jihyuk, whom I had hesitated to ask instead of Jiwon, I started to think he might demand something far more dangerous than I could have imagined. Like yesterday, for example.

Recalling that thick, heavy atmosphere, I shuddered. In the end, I ran to the manager and asked if I could borrow the phone for just one call. First showing up and frantically looking for a girl, then asking to borrow the phone. He looked at me with an expression that said he’d seen all sorts of crazy people, but he still lent me the phone.

Drrr-drrr-drrr, I gnawed on my lip anxiously while the phone rang. People often don’t answer calls from unknown numbers, especially landlines. But since I couldn’t give him a heads-up through the messenger, I waited anxiously for a connection to Jiwon.

Fortunately, I heard Jiwon’s clear voice say, ‘Hello?’

“It’s me. Jiwon.”

“…Teacher?”

His surprise was clearly conveyed. Feeling rushed, I blurted out my request right away.

“Jiwon. Please… help me. I know this is shameless, but could you help me just this once.”

“Teacher? …Is something wrong?”

“My brother, I can’t get in touch with him.”

A moment of silence passed. I spewed out my words quickly in a desperate voice.

“We were supposed to… meet today, but I can’t reach him. Something feels strange. He kept borrowing money from me. Lately, he hasn’t even asked to borrow any. …But he’s not contacting me. I have no idea where he’s spending all that money. He said he was bringing someone important today too…. No matter how many messages I send, he doesn’t even check them. So you…”

“Teacher.”

Jiwon cut off my rambling words, which had lost their way and were wandering aimlessly.

“I’ll head over there now. Where are you?”

Without a moment’s hesitation, I told him the name of Jeonghee’s school where I was.

“Wait there for a little bit. By the way, what’s this number?”

“Ah… well.”

It was an embarrassing thing to talk about, but now was not the time to be concerned with such things. If Jiwon sent a message without knowing that Jihyuk had taken my phone, a disgruntled Jihyuk might immediately chase me down and interfere.

“Jihyuk… has my phone right now.”

“…What did you say?”

Jiwon seemed quite shocked.

“He took your phone?”

“Yeah. So it would be best not to send any messages.”

I heard a short intake of breath. After showing a brief sign of agitation, Jiwon blurted out.

“I understand. We’ll talk in more detail in a bit. Don’t you move a muscle from there.”

“…Yeah.”

After hanging up the phone, I bowed my head deeply to the manager as a sign of thanks. Then I went outside and sat down at an outdoor parasol table set up at the first-floor convenience store.

The worry for Jeonghee’s well being, which had sparked up like a small ember, was spreading into a fierce flame with each passing moment. Clutching my heart that was pounding with anxiety, I sat there nervously, not knowing what to do. The blazing sunlight was hot, but my fingertips felt strangely chilly and cold.

How long had I been sitting there blankly? I saw Jiwon’s face as he ran toward me.

“Teacher!”

I shot up from my seat. I could not have been more delighted and happy to see Jiwon’s presence getting closer and closer to me. It had only been a few days since I had refused his help, but shamelessly, that’s how I felt.

“…Jiwon.”

“Teacher. Are you okay? Your face… it’s completely pale.”

Dressed in jeans and a light shirt, Jiwon had a very worried expression as soon as he arrived. I tried to force a smile and say I was fine, but my face was so contorted that it would probably look more like a crying face, so I gave up.

“I’m… I’m fine. More importantly, Jiwon, my brother…”

“Teacher, let’s sit here and you can tell me slowly. Should we move somewhere else?”

“…No. It’s fine.”

“Don’t say that, let’s go somewhere cool. You look like you’re about to collapse, your face is so pale. You’re sweating a lot too… you’ll get dehydrated at this rate.”

Following Jiwon’s firm insistence, Jiwon and I moved to a café. I had no appetite at all, but after sipping a little of the fruit smoothie Jiwon recommended, my dizzy vision certainly cleared up and I felt energy returning to my body.

I haltingly recounted what had happened with Jeonghee. How he wasn’t like this originally but had changed a lot recently, how he had asked for money several times, and how he was supposed to come today but didn’t.

“…So it’s shameless, but… I want to ask you a favor. …You said you investigated me before. You and Jihyuk are good at keeping tabs on each other and all that…”

I didn’t mean to blame or criticize him, but the words came out that way. Belatedly, I peeked at Jiwon’s expression, but he didn’t seem to mind much.

“So… if you could keep tabs on my brother like that, I would be really grateful. I just want to know what on earth he is up to… if he’s gotten into some kind of dangerous trouble.”

Jiwon, who had been listening to my story seriously, nodded his head.

“Then please give me a photo of your brother, his number, and his name. I should be able to find him in a few days.”

“Okay. I will.”

Jiwon felt like a savior. I reached out a pale hand and grasped Jiwon’s.

“…Thank you, Jiwon. …I don’t know how I can ever repay you…”

“What repay, it’s okay. …More importantly, Teacher.”

Jiwon asked me with a serious face.

“What on earth happened with Jihyuk? Why did he take your phone?”

It was a question I had expected Jiwon to ask, but hearing it from his lips, I felt my breath catch in my throat. The fact that I had to confess the shameful truth with my own mouth felt miserable. As I dropped my head, unable to easily bring up the words, Jiwon spoke in a gentle tone.

“Teacher. I think I have a rough idea. If it’s hard for you, you don’t have to say anything.”

“…Jiwon…”

“I told you, didn’t I? He’s a violent and possessive person.”

With a hardened expression, Jiwon continued.

“It’s going to get worse from now on. He’s the type who is only satisfied when he has everything he wants. He doesn’t care if it belongs to someone else or not. He’s the type who can only be at ease when he can wield everything as he pleases and have it under his control.”

“……”

“Don’t think that what he’s showing you now is everything. This could just be the beginning.”

Each and every one of Jiwon’s words became a heavy stone, landing one by one on my chest. What on earth did he mean, this is just the beginning? I was already cornered in a dead-end alley and breathless to my limit, how could things possibly get more dangerous from here?

Having lost my words and just parting my lips, Jiwon pulled my hand and held it.

“So, Teacher. You can’t ignore my warnings anymore. It will get really dangerous.”

“…Then what, what do I…”

The breath was caught in my chest and wouldn’t come out properly. I pulled one of my captured hands free and thumped my chest. As I made a fist and harshly struck my chest, Jiwon grabbed my hand and pulled it away to stop me.

“Should I… quit… tutoring Jihyuk.”

That was the method Jiwon had suggested last time. But Jiwon shook his head.

“That was something I said when I didn’t know the exact nature of the feelings Jihyuk harbors for you. Since he’s gone as far as taking your phone, that won’t be enough anymore. Do you really think he won’t be able to see you just because you quit tutoring?”

He had a point. Jihyuk had come to my house yesterday, and he knows my school. Almost everything about my personal life was exposed to him.

“Then how…”

“You need to get away from him completely.”

Jiwon looked me straight in the eye and said that.

“He’s a fickle person. And impulsive. Right now he’s messing with you because he’s interested, but if you hide somewhere for a while and he starts his university life, his interest will quickly fade.”

“Wait, Jiwon, just a minute.”

I wondered what on earth he was talking about. I quickly cut Jiwon off.

“Are you saying I should move? I… I can’t do that right now. I don’t have the money to move, and my mother is hospitalized.”

“That’s why I’m telling you this. Aren’t you going to do rehabilitation?”

“…What?”

Just how much does this kid know? I froze and my eyes widened.

“I’m sorry. I looked into too much… Anyway, that’s not what’s important right now.”

“……”

“I did some research, and there’s a hospital famous for rehabilitation in Daejeon, not here. You know XX University Hospital, right?”

Jiwon squeezed my hand again and spoke with a forceful tone.

“For now, until the CSAT is over, don’t show any signs, and continue tutoring me and Jihyuk. It’s not much longer anyway. And as soon as the CSAT is over, go down there immediately. I’ll get everything ready.”

“Jiwon.”

“I’ll get you a hospital and a house. All you have to do is go down there. It might be good to take a semester off and focus on your mother’s rehabilitation, but that’s for you to decide. Daejeon isn’t so far that commuting to school would be impossible anyway.”

I was at a loss for words at Jiwon’s detailed plan, which flowed out as if he had been waiting for this moment. The surface of the water that had been chaotically churning was now starting to completely overflow due to the huge stone Jiwon had thrown.

“…How, how can I do that. How can I ask you for such…”

Objectively, Jiwon’s proposal was unbelievably ideal. The XX University Hospital Jiwon mentioned was one of the most ideal hospitals I had looked into while researching rehabilitation. However, because moving my residence immediately was a pipe dream for me, I had never once considered it as an option.

Jiwon was saying he would solve both problems. He would get me a room, and move the hospital. From my perspective, there was absolutely nothing to lose. I could let Jeonghee continue attending school as he is, and I, just as Jiwon said, could take about a semester off and devote myself to nursing my mom. The doctor had said that right after my mom woke up was the golden time for rehabilitation.

However, receiving all of that from Jiwon without any compensation made no sense. Jiwon was, at best, my tutee. A relationship that would be terminated as soon as the CSAT ended in two months. So how could I possibly receive the things Jiwon mentioned without any compensation? This was not something I could just say I’ll pay back someday and move on.

As I stared blankly at Jiwon, at a loss for words, he continued in a gentle tone.

“Teacher. When an opportunity comes, just take it. It might sound snobby for me to say this, but you’ve seen my family’s financial situation. I can handle that much on my own. And you talked with my father during dinner last time, right? My father probably told you to let him know if you ever need anything, or something like that.”

“…Jiwon. Even so…”

“Teacher, you need to be a little more shameless. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. First, focus on your mother’s rehabilitation, and then you can worry about paying me back or whatever later.”

Jiwon finished speaking with a calm expression. However, I still couldn’t give him a clear answer.

It was right to refuse. To say that receiving such help from a student was outrageous. But to say I didn’t need it and turn away, the offer was too desperate for me who had nothing. If I accept Jiwon’s help and find out what Jeonghee is up to and resolve just that. The scenario Jiwon mentioned was, as he said, a great opportunity that would never come again in my life.

And one more thing.

Jihyuk, who had grown into a terrifying presence within me, could no longer be ignored either.

The warnings he was giving me were now so blatant that even a fool could notice. With every step he took, black footprints were being left behind, thick and sticky. And now those footprints had invaded my home, dirtying the floor without end.

The dirty talk he directed at me while looking down at me at my house yesterday was of a different nature from the usual mean-spirited pranks. What should I do if it really becomes like the vulgar things he said? Such a terrible thought, though fleeting, brushed past my mind. Of course, it was something that should never happen even if the sky fell, so I shook my head and quickly cast away the creepy feeling.

If I were to brazenly accept Jiwon’s offer. I could avoid missing my mother’s golden time, and I could also escape the seemingly insane pranks of Jihyuk.

If I lay low and hide for about a semester, staying out of his sight. By the time I return to school, Jihyuk would probably have forgotten all about someone like me and be enjoying his university life. But my conscience, which I should have as a human being, was still hesitating.

“Still, how can I… ask you to just do all that for me…”

“It’s not for nothing.”

His tone was as casual as usual. A chillingly quiet smile settled on Jiwon’s face as he stared intently at me.

“You can just… give me a little corner of your heart someday.”

My heart sank. Seeing me stare blankly at him, Jiwon smiled sheepishly.

“Teacher. If you look at me with such an end-of-the-world expression… I’ll get my feelings hurt.”

“…Huh? Oh… sorry.”

I mumbled feebly. To think that all he’s asking for in return for these incredible things is just my heart. Is my heart worth that much to him? Why on earth is he, why is he doing this for me…

Overwhelmed by the sudden, chaotic proposal, I couldn’t utter a single word. Grasping my hand, which seemed to belong to someone in a daze, Jiwon said gently.

“Teacher. I’m not asking you to do it right now. So stop making that face.”

“……”

“…Just.”

The smile on Jiwon’s face looked unusually bitter.

“For now, I’ll be your student like you said. I’ll wait quietly. But after my exam is over… then please just think about me one more time.”

“…Jiwon.”

“I have many shortcomings… but I’ll do well. Just, to the extent that when I occasionally come down to Daejeon to see you, you’ll let me sleep over once in a while. Can’t we just be like that?”

It was a lonely and devoted proposal. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to return his feelings no matter how long he waited. So I knew that it was right to refuse now, I really, truly knew.

And yet, the word ‘no’ just wouldn’t come out of my mouth. As I stared blankly at him, what came into my sight was not Jiwon’s face, but Jihyuk, who had threatened and constrained me so frighteningly yesterday. It was my mother lying in bed, and the doctor’s face emphasizing the golden time.

At my continued silence, the lonely smile on Jiwon’s face deepened even further.

“I get it. Your heart… it’s really hard to win.”

“…I’m sorry.”

I apologized sincerely. Not because I couldn’t bring myself to like him, but because of my own pettiness in not being able to refuse him outright. I felt so sorry for Jiwon. What was there to like about a coward like me.

“Don’t make that face. I’m okay. Getting rejected is only hard the first time, not the second, or something.”

Jiwon skillfully hid his true feelings behind a nonchalant smile. That made it even harder to meet his eyes.

“If you say you’ll think about it now, I won’t withdraw this offer. Of course, if you tell me to get lost because you hate the idea right now, I can’t do anything about it.”

“……”

“So think about it slowly, and let me know whenever. Oh, and I’ll contact you as soon as I hear any news about your brother.”

Only at Jiwon’s words did I slowly nod my head. Until the very end, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him no. It was even more so because of the last thing Jiwon added.

I habitually raised my fist to thump my chest, but then I remembered Jiwon stopping me earlier and quietly lowered my hand. My chest felt so clogged up that it was unbearably frustrating.

📖

Jiwon’s proposal spun around in my mind, surfacing day and night. When I was eating, when I was washing my face, when I was on the subway to go to tutoring, and even when I went to bed. That’s how powerful an impact Jiwon’s proposal had on me.

What was it that had been shattered to pieces and scattered within me by Jiwon’s words? Was it the conscience one should have as a bare minimum human being? Or was it regret and self-reproach for not having shamelessly accepted on the spot for the sake of my family’s well-being? I couldn’t tell.

While I agonized, unable to do either this or that, the days flowed by like water. Before I knew it, the once-domineering heat of midday had completely subsided, and the cumulonimbus clouds that had so densely filled the sky that it felt suffocating were gradually disappearing. The days when the sky revealed its clear blue interior increased. It was now autumn, and there were only two months left until the CSAT.

And at the same time as my semester began, Jihyuk also enrolled in school.

I heard that upon his return from America, he had arranged things so that he could get his diploma by attending school in Korea for the remaining semester. So, for the final semester with not much time left before the CSAT, Jihyuk returned to school.

The schedule of meeting around lunchtime, tutoring together, then having dinner and going home like we did during the break was no longer possible. Not only that, but I hadn’t been able to see him once since school started. It was because we both postponed a week of tutoring to adjust to our respective environments. So today was the day I would be seeing Jihyuk for the first time in nearly two weeks.

“Hey, Kim Jeonghyun. Have you been starving yourself lately? Why are you so skinny?”

“Starving… what are you talking about.”

“There you go again, answering so listlessly. Hey! Did something happen over the summer?”

Woojae, who had been on a language study program abroad during the break, was healthily tanned, and his already good physique had become even more solid. Actually, as Woojae said, my body, which had seemed to be gaining a little weight during the summer break, had returned to square one. My resolve to eat well had vanished without a trace in the face of all the troubling events.

Woojae, who had been lying face down on his desk the whole time, stretched wide in the seat next to me as soon as the lecture ended. As always, he stood up and playfully put me in a headlock, hugging my head tightly as I was packing my things. After swaying helplessly under his arm a few times, I pushed Woojae away and glared at him with a reddened face.

Woojae chuckled and picked up my bag, which I had already finished packing.

“Let’s get out of here first. Wanna grab dinner together?”

“I have to go to tutoring.”

“Ah, that’s disappointing. Why are you so busy.”

“I’m not busy. I’m just doing two tutoring jobs, that’s all.”

Exchanging such words, we walked out of the now-empty classroom that everyone had already left. The campus was bustling with students moving about after their lectures. The slanting sunlight was settling on the campus lawn. It was still a bit muggy, but it was autumn after all, and the days had gotten much shorter.

I had only had cup ramen for lunch, so I was dying to have dinner with Woojae, but I had to hurry from now on to arrive on time for my tutoring session with Jihyuk. That’s why I was rushing my steps toward the main gate.

Then, in my pocket, a short, clipped vibration buzzed several times. These days, the only person who sent me messages in such a demanding way was Jihyuk.

[Teacher]

[Where are you?]

[When are you coming]

[Are you on your way out?]

Just as I thought. I let out a small sigh and, trying not to be obvious, glanced at Woojae as I sent a reply.

[I’m on my way out now.]

[Are you at the main gate?]

As soon as I sent the message, Jihyuk replied like lightning. I roughly sent [Yeah. Heading that way] and then shoved my phone into my pocket. I felt it would be more comfortable to continue messaging him later, after parting ways with Woojae.

“Hey, what’s with the secret messaging, hiding it like that?”

“What’s so secret about it. I was just sending a message.”

Woojae narrowed his eyes. He’s so quick to notice things. Ignoring him, I tried not to look to the side and just walked on in silence. Just then, Woojae shouted dramatically, pointing a finger at my face.

“Ooh? Suspicious. Kim Jeonghyun, you… finally?”

“Finally what.”

“It’s a girlfriend, isn’t it! You bastard, you’ve been up to all sorts of things while I was gone!”

“A girlfriend, what are you talking about… It’s nothing like that.”

While mumbling my denial, I couldn’t help but feel conscious of it. He didn’t see the content of the message, did he? I tried to recall the messages I had just exchanged with Jihyuk, but it wasn’t content that would be a problem if someone saw it. Although, Jihyuk replying so quickly and sending messages in such an obsessive, continuous manner did seem a bit strange. But that’s just his personality.

Lost in such thoughts, I was blankly fiddling with the phone in my pocket when I was startled into lifting my head by Woojae’s dumbfounded voice.

“Wow, what the hell is that? …He’s a crazy bastard, for sure.”

I inadvertently lifted my head and couldn’t help but be horrified.

A large motorcycle parked by the main gate caught my eye. The engine sound, rumbling like a beast’s low roar, spread low in all directions.

A helmet, placed carelessly on the seat, looked precarious, as if it would fall to the ground at any moment from the humming vibration. My wide-open eyes were fixed on the motorcycle’s owner, who was leaning askew against the bike, looking down at his phone.

Why on earth is he here?

My mind went numb, and my movements froze along with it. I stopped in my tracks with my mouth slightly agape. Woojae, who was standing next to me spewing a continuous stream of admiration and curses while looking at Jihyuk, grabbed my arm.

“Hey! Kim Jeonghyun. Why do you look so out of it?”

“Huh? Well…”

Just as I was about to answer, Jihyuk finally lifted his eyes from his phone. His brow was slightly furrowed, as if something had displeased him.

Jihyuk, with a menacing expression, turned his gaze toward the inside of the main gate and soon spotted me. As soon as our eyes met, he lifted the corners of his mouth into a slight smile. However, having spent the entire summer with him, I instinctively felt that something had upset him.

Watching Jihyuk, who had left his bike and was walking straight toward us without hesitation, I held my breath.

“Wow, crazy… How tall is he? He’s fucking huge. No, why is a kid in a school uniform riding a bike like that all the way here? He’s a minor, and he’s riding such an expensive motorcycle? No, but why is he coming this way?”

Beside me, Woojae was still whispering in admiration, his murmurs just loud enough for me to hear. It wasn’t just Woojae. Jihyuk, just by standing there, was capturing the attention of everyone near the main gate. To explain it simply by saying he looked delinquent was not enough; his presence was excessively strong.

It was my first time. Seeing Jihyuk in a school uniform. Honestly, it felt incongruous.

It wasn’t just that the fit wasn’t good. On the contrary, there wasn’t a single piece of clothing his solid and well-built body hadn’t been able to pull off so far. The black inner t-shirt worn underneath, the unbuttoned school shirt worn over it, and the pants that enveloped his long, sturdy legs—there was no flaw to be found in his appearance.

Just because he had a delinquent air didn’t mean he lacked a youthful quality. Rather, despite such attire accentuating the childish energy and rebellious spirit typical of his age, the aura he possessed was closer to being intimidating than thuggish. It looked less like he was dressed according to his status and more like he was reluctantly wearing a school uniform just to indicate that he was a student.

Looking up at Jihyuk who had strode up and stopped in front of me, I asked with a dumbfounded face.

“You, why… why did you come all the way here?”

“I came for tutoring.”

Jihyuk answered with an indifferent expression to me, who was still standing there with my jaw dropped. Then he immediately pointed at Woojae with a jerk of his chin.

“What’s that?”

What’s that? It was an excessively rude way for a tutee to act toward his teacher’s friend. Even if there wasn’t much of an age gap between him and me.

A cold sweat automatically trickled down my spine. Before Woojae could react, I grabbed Jihyuk’s arm and said in a rushed voice.

“He’s a friend… from the same department. Let’s go, Jihyuk.”

“Ah… is that so?”

However, Jihyuk stood his ground, unmoving like a stubborn child. I could feel my face growing redder and redder. I couldn’t bring myself to look at Woojae’s face.

Despite my hand holding him back, Jihyuk slowly approached Woojae. It was the first time I had seen Woojae look small when standing next to someone. Although not as tall as Jihyuk, he was also quite tall.

Jihyuk stood right in front of Woojae and blatantly looked down on him. With his eyes slanted downwards, he scanned Woojae’s face with unconcealed scrutiny. Woojae’s expression was one of disbelief at the menacing hostility being shown. Just as he was about to open his mouth with a dumbfounded look, I pulled on Jihyuk’s arm, almost screaming his name.

“We have to go, to tutoring. Jihyuk, we’re going to be late. Hurry. Okay?”

I almost added ‘please.’ I gnawed on my lips until they turned white and stomped my feet. I would rather just disappear somewhere alone than cause a commotion in a place with so many eyes on us.

Fortunately, Jihyuk withdrew his arrogant gaze from Woojae and turned his eyes to me.

“Okay.”

The corners of his mouth tilted up, and his dimples deepened.

“We have to go to tutoring.”

I hurriedly shouted, “I’ll call you, Woojae!” at Woojae, who was still standing there with a bewildered expression. Then I grabbed Jihyuk’s arm and pulled him toward the outside of the main gate. I tried to walk away with quick steps, but I couldn’t get more than a few paces before a large hand grabbed me by the scruff of my neck.

“Where are you going. Get on.”

“W-wait. This is a bit much for me…!”

A natural force lifted my body onto the seat and pressed me down firmly. I was about to express my refusal with a short sigh, but when I saw Woojae still staring this way with a dazed expression, I quickly planted my legs firmly on the bike. Running away was not an option. I just wanted to get out of this place that was attracting everyone’s attention.

Jihyuk placed the helmet on my flushed face. He lightly swung himself onto the front seat of the bike and spat out in an impassive tone.

“Hold on tight. You’ll die if you fall off.”

Vroooom, the engine sound that had been rumbling lowly resonated as if it were exploding. At the same time, my body was thrown back. Letting out a silent scream, I instinctively clung tightly to Jihyuk’s waist to save my life.

“Where, where are we going!”

My shouted voice was scattered into pieces by the strong wind. I was about to ask again but stopped myself. Wherever we were going, it might be more dangerous to keep talking to Jihyuk on a moving motorcycle.

Jihyuk skillfully maneuvered the bike out of the university district crowded with people. He immediately picked up more speed than before. Not long after we escaped the congested area during rush hour, we were speeding down a straight, open road.

The tails of his unbuttoned school shirt fluttered wildly behind him, tickling my forearm. Since it was my first time riding a motorcycle like this, the most pressing feeling was fear. The humming, ticklish sensation in my stomach was unfamiliar, and the fierce gust of wind that violently tore through my clothes was also scary.

He’s really crazy. It was my first time riding something like this, and my first time going at such a high speed. Sweat soaked the hands that were clutching Jihyuk’s uniform shirt. My posture on the seat was quite stable, but engulfed in fear, I was desperately hugging and clinging to Jihyuk’s waist.

Even so, Jihyuk increased the speed without end. The vibration that had been simmering quietly in my stomach grew stronger.

The huge clouds, tinged by the sunset, floated just as they had looked from the campus earlier. I opened my mouth wide, looking at the orange sky. When I took a deep breath, the lukewarm evening breeze blew into my chest.

Cars whizzed past us. The endless vibration that shook me to the bone was forcibly snatching away the distracting thoughts that had occupied my mind. It felt as if my chest, which had been so tight that even pounding it with my fist brought no relief, was being completely cleared out.

My mind was going blank. All sorts of distracting thoughts were scattering in the wind. My stifling circumstances, and the existences of Jihyuk and Jiwon who were binding me. It was contradictory, but I was feeling a sense of liberation on the back of Jihyuk, the very person who was tormenting me.

The frighteningly high speed completely enveloped my body. In a way, this moment might be the closest I have ever been to death in my life.

And yet, the thrill flowing through my body made me realize anew that I was alive. I could feel it distinctly, the fact that my heart, beating wildly, was pumping blood throughout my entire body even in the unbearable wind.

My life had been one of crawling on the ground like an insignificant ant. Had I ever run this fast in my entire life? The sensation that was boiling over in my entire body like a runaway train put me in a trance.

Faster, I wish he would go even faster. I shouted on an impulse.

“Faster.”

Perhaps he couldn’t hear me well over the wind, as Jihyuk, with his gaze fixed ahead, tilted his head back and asked back, “What?” It was an extremely dangerous thing to do while riding at this speed on a road. I put my mouth right up to his ear and raised my voice.

“Go faster!”

I thought I saw Jihyuk give a faint smile. He parted his lips as if to say something, but I couldn’t hear what it was. Vrooooaaar, the heat that had been simmering inside me exploded, gaining momentum.

The needle on the speedometer was already tilted completely to the right, but I no longer felt any fear or anxiety. In the razor-sharp wind, all the knots inside me were spewed out and scattered without a trace.

It was complete liberation.

Vrooom, the low engine sound filled the narrow alley. The place where the bike stopped was exactly in front of my house. Jihyuk, who had turned off the humming engine, nimbly got off first and naturally extended his hand to me. I inadvertently took Jihyuk’s hand and got off the large vehicle.

With the engine sound that had occupied my eardrums gone, the surroundings felt silent. Soon after, a large hand approached and took off my helmet. The warm air that had been trapped inside instantly disappeared, and the cool autumn night air rushed to my face. I looked up at Jihyuk awkwardly for a moment before opening my mouth.

“Then let’s… set up the next tutoring session through text.”

“Okay.”

A deep voice replied obediently. Ahem, I cleared my throat and continued.

“…Thank you for taking me home. And…”

Now that the tutoring session had ended safely and we had even eaten dinner, it was time to reprimand him for his rude behavior toward Woojae earlier. It was only right that I tell him never to come to the front of my school and do that again.

However, looking at Jihyuk who was waiting for my next words with a faint smile on his face, for some reason, the intention to reprimand him feebly subsided.

…I’ll do it next time. In the end, my thoughts drifted to such a weak conclusion. Still, I didn’t want to say anything to Jihyuk right now. I wasn’t sure why.

“Weren’t you scared?”

“……”

“You rode better than I thought.”

Piercing through the flowing silence, Jihyuk’s question suddenly broke in. The moment our eyes met, I averted my gaze. It was because I felt a churning sensation for which I couldn’t identify the reason. It felt as if I were still on the bike that had violently churned my body with its low vibration.

I parted my lips for a moment, then, as if bewitched, I let the words out.

“…It was good.”

It was a surprisingly honest answer, even to myself, as I rarely revealed my inner thoughts to anyone.

“The wind… was refreshing too.”

The sense of liberation I had experienced for the first time in my life, the elation that felt like it would explode my small body into pieces. It was difficult to express all of those things with words, so I just answered like that. However, Jihyuk, who tilted his head slightly to the side at my endlessly simple answer, seemed quite satisfied.

“Do you know what?”

He pulled up the corners of his mouth refreshingly.

“Teacher, that was the first time you’ve ever told me something was good.”

It was a completely unexpected remark. I was at a loss for words at the sudden attribution of meaning. The expression on Jihyuk’s face before me now was one I was seeing for the first time. The expression ‘he looks happy’ was not enough. He was making a triumphant, childlike expression, as if he had accomplished something great.

Unfamiliar with such a face on Jihyuk, I found myself staring at him blankly. This wasn’t the Jihyuk I knew. The one who treated me carelessly, stole my privacy, and enjoyed watching me flustered with a mischievousness. The true nature of the Jihyuk I knew was one who sometimes threatened me by spewing unspeakable, obscene words.

But another shadow hidden behind that has been popping out frequently lately, throwing me into confusion. The existence of Jihyuk, which was so frightening it made me want to run away, so suffocating I couldn’t breathe, sometimes pushes me into this unceasing churning. It feels as if I’ve boarded a ship I can never get off of. Perhaps this feeling, which had begun to bloom like a single thread, was what I feared the most. It was a feeling I never wanted to face directly.

“…No, well. I just… meant I think I get why people ride them.”

Jihyuk smiled once more, even at my fumbling, excuse-like words. As if that was enough. He reached out his hand and naturally caressed my cheek. Then he pulled my head toward him and kissed my forehead. Just like he did at my house that other time.

“…What are you…!”

Looking down at me, frozen by the sudden contact, Jihyuk said in a plain tone.

“It was good for me too.”

“……”

“Thanks to you, Teacher.”

I was at a loss for words at his excessively honest expression. I was just biting my lip when Jihyuk slowly withdrew his hand.

“I’m going. Answer the phone later. I want to hear your voice before I sleep.”

A cool breeze immediately seeped into the spot where Jihyuk’s hand had left. Only after the boiling heat of his hand was gone did I realize how cold the autumn night air was.

Vrooom, the engine sound that had churned my eardrums spread through the alley once again. Jihyuk, having started the engine, put on the helmet he had placed on the back seat. It was the helmet he had kept on me the whole time.

The bike, turning smoothly, left the alley without a second thought. The low vibrating sound that had filled the air grew more and more distant.
Watching his back get smaller, an unidentifiable fear washed over me. It was definitely, a completely different feeling from when Jihyuk kissed my forehead at my house that other time. That fact was plunging me into an unbearable fear.

I raised a hand and rubbed my forehead raw. My footsteps felt sticky as I opened the rusted gate and entered the house.

📖

In the chilly weather, people on the streets began to take out and wear their mufflers one by one. The CSAT was drawing nearer by the day.

While diligently attending my own classes, I also poured my heart and soul into Jihyuk’s and Jiwon’s lessons. Jiwon had already applied to the physics department of my university through early admissions, but since the results would be announced after the CSAT, it was difficult to let his guard down.

Jihyuk was unable to apply through early admissions, so he had no choice but to bet everything on the CSAT. He was naturally good at English and Korean, so he didn’t need a separate teacher. He was good at math and science too, but my role was to help him achieve perfection in those two subjects.

Among them, the subject I focused on was, of course, physics. I had cautiously suggested to Jihyuk about getting teachers for other subjects, but the only response I got was a half-hearted reply that he didn’t need any other teachers.

And then one day, when the fallen leaves were piled up like snow, my mother’s doctor requested a consultation with me.

“All the care that can be provided for your mother at this facility has been given. From now on, we must fully enter the rehabilitation stage. It would be best for you to go to a hospital that deals in-depth with respiratory physical therapy and functional motor rehabilitation.”

My mother had already been pushed down the priority list to continue receiving treatment at this hospital, which mainly dealt with critically ill patients. The doctor insisted that my mother’s muscle weakness and atrophy, as well as joint contractures, were severe, and that cognitive and language rehabilitation were also urgent, so we needed to go to a hospital specializing in rehabilitation medicine to activate her senses before it was too late.

Since the period she had been bedridden was so long, she would have to live with aftereffects no matter how hard she worked on rehabilitation. What the doctor was saying now was that the severity of those aftereffects could vary greatly depending on how much care was devoted to my mother at this point. I had no choice but to nod my head heavily at the doctor. Along with a request for a little more time to prepare.

“Teacher.”

And then, as if he knew I had just had a consultation with the doctor, Jiwon chose that moment to tell me that he couldn’t wait any longer.

“I didn’t ask you to like me right this instant. I’m just saying we should move your mother quickly before we miss the window. And, it’s not just me, I’ve already told my father about your situation. If you just keep making him wait, well. I think it might be hard to prove that your situation is desperate, don’t you think?”

Jiwon’s words, saying he wanted to help me, became an increasingly heavy burden, pressing down on me.

A person’s greed truly has no end. Before, I had desperately wished for my mom to just open her eyes, to just recognize me, even if she couldn’t move. But the moment I saw my mom’s condition gradually improving and the possibility that she could get even better, my greed and anxiety only grew larger.

Following Jiwon’s demand that he couldn’t wait any longer and would have to withdraw his decision if I didn’t decide within a day or two, I decided to first move my mother to the hospital in Daejeon.

“…I’m not just accepting this for free. I’ll somehow, pay you back later. I’ll even write a promissory note.”

As I clenched my fists and lowered my head, Jiwon spoke in a kind tone.

“Now is not the time to worry about such things. You should just focus on preparing for the rehabilitation.”

In addition to that, another reason I had decided to go to Daejeon as if running away was Jihyuk.

Jihyuk’s strange obsession with me was getting worse. He would frequently take my phone and play with it, and would arbitrarily delete or block the numbers of my acquaintances. Not just anyone, though, only the ones he found annoying. For example, people like Woojae or Taejun hyung.

The same went for his overly physical contact and dangerous remarks. It was a relief that he showed concentration during tutoring, but after class, he would always stroke my hair, grab my wrist and pull me, or lie on the bed and insist that I lie down next to him. While doing so, he would spew a stream of obscene words that were hard to listen to.

However, he also showed a different pattern from the break, when he would call me out at all hours. Jihyuk no longer called me out for meals or to hang out several times a week. When I once asked him the reason, Jihyuk answered like this.

“I have to become your junior so I can see you more often, don’t I?”

As if to prove those words, Jihyuk seemed to focus solely on his studies during the remaining time. It was hard to even see his face on days that weren’t tutoring days.

And yet, he always called me at night before he went to sleep. At first, I felt confusion and doubt at Jihyuk’s behavior, but before I knew it, I had become accustomed to it and would answer his calls habitually. As long as I consistently answered his calls, he didn’t cause any other trouble.

“What did you do today.”

“Just… attended class… ate. Things like that.”

The calls usually came after midnight, and I was a very light sleeper. Yawns would interrupt our conversation, and my voice would become more and more drawn out. It was usually a one-sided conversation where Jihyuk asked questions and I answered, but sometimes I would return the questions to him.

“What about school. It’s a new place, isn’t it.”

“It fucking sucks, what else.”

Rubbing my sleep-laden eyelids, I asked slowly.

“…Why. Is there… someone bullying you?”

“Me?”

Listening to Jihyuk’s incredulous laugh, I slowly closed and opened my eyes. In my muddled state of mind, I realized two or three beats too late that I had asked a stupid question. Right, who would bully Woo Jihyuk… Jihyuk, too, chuckled and mocked me for it.

“Jeonghyun. You’re sleepy, aren’t you? You’re even talking nonsense.”

“I told you not… to call me that.”