TEOCH 93

“For someone who’s supposedly had enough sleep, your complexion isn’t very good.”

“Do you think your face is in any better condition? I’ve been in the sea for so long that I’m a bit seasick. It’s nothing to worry about.”

The realization that I had spoken too sharply came a moment too late, but Rikiel simply tilted his head without any sign of anger. It would have been less apologetic if he had at least been displeased. I gave an awkward, dry cough and looked at Rikiel.

Come to think of it, it seemed like he had become a bit more subdued in this playthrough. Originally, when I acted this way, he would respond with his own sharp words, but for some reason, in this playthrough, he tended to avoid fights rather than retaliate.

Could it be that his behavior has softened because Tristan has been mediating a lot at his side? Or, is it something… After briefly pondering the reason, I decided to stop thinking about it. Rikiel met my gaze for a moment, then shifted his eyes to Tristan, who was sleeping with his head resting on my lap. A faint worry clung to his eyes.

“Is he okay?”

“He’s fine. The time of the curse has passed, so he won’t be in pain anymore. He doesn’t have a fever, and his breathing is normal…”

“No, not hyung-nim.”

I paused for a moment and then realized. Ah, right. If he had wanted to ask about Tristan’s well-being, he would have used honorifics like ‘Is he okay?’ Realizing that he had been worried about me made me feel unnecessarily embarrassed, and I tried my best not to meet Rikiel’s gaze, only stroking Tristan’s hair.

“I’m fine. I just woke up for a moment. I’ve been sleeping soundly until now.”

“You seem to sleep a lot. You often sleep during the day too.”

“Do you have some complaint about me sleeping a lot?”

“No, if it’s just that you sleep a lot, I have no particular complaint. It’s just…”

“…?”

“I was wondering if you were overdoing it, taking care of hyung-nim.”

So unnecessarily perceptive. I finally stopped stroking Tristan’s hair and lifted my head. Rikiel, with a sullen expression, got up from his spot and came over. While I hesitated, he lifted Tristan into his arms and moved him to lie down with the other colleagues. Unaware of anything, Tristan was fast asleep, wedged between Damian and Rehas.

“What are you doing?”

“If hyung-nim sleeps in that position and wakes up, his shoulders will be stiff in the morning. And, I thought it might be a bit heavy for you too…”

Rikiel trailed off ambiguously and sat down next to me. He was looking at me with a somewhat peculiar gaze, but I decided not to get angry with him. On reflection, Tristan’s position did seem a bit uncomfortable. The curse was over now anyway, so maybe it was better for him to sleep comfortably like that.

Besides, Rikiel’s gaunt face also weighed on my mind, making me reluctant to get angry. His profile, illuminated by the bonfire, looked quite gaunt, and I wondered if he had lost at least 3 kilograms in the past five days. Of course, even so, he was still a large man.

“Come to think of it, are you eating properly? Lately, you keep trying to pass your share off to Damian.”

“I wasn’t passing it off. Damian has such a small appetite, so I was just.”

“Damian’s been eating well lately, hasn’t he? You, in fact, you dislike seafood, don’t you?”

“I- I’m not trying to be a picky eater!”

Not a picky eater, my foot. I knew from past experience that this man couldn’t stand the underwater environment and also disliked seafood. He’s the type who forces himself to swallow even the clams that others, especially Damian, eat with relish, and who is the first to cling to the bonfire upon returning to the cave after swimming in the sea. I smiled at the blushing Rikiel, and he awkwardly strung together excuses.

“W- well, your complexion hasn’t been good since we came to this region either.”

“At least mine isn’t because of picky eating.”

“Then?”

“I told you, it’s seasickness. And there’s also the pressure I feel because it’s so dark outside…”

As I spun a plausible tale, I suddenly felt a sense of foreboding. When I casually looked up, Rikiel’s green eyes were staring at me intently, filled with a strange emotion. As I briefly debated whether to look away from those eyes, which had a similar light to Tristan’s, Rikiel cautiously opened his mouth.

“Is that really all?”

I couldn’t answer right away and closed my mouth. This is troublesome. What does he want to say, making a face like that in the middle of the night? I deliberately fixed my gaze on the bonfire, avoiding his. This time, it was my turn to make excuses.

“W- well, what else could there be? What answer do you want to hear?”

“Isn’t it very difficult for you?”

“Isn’t it abnormal not to find it difficult, living in a place like this?”

“That’s true. But, but…”

“But, what?”

“Lately, you seem… to be suffering too much compared to before.”

So I couldn’t hide even that. Rikiel, who had been staring at me for a while, suddenly reached his hand out to me, and I turned away in surprise. But Rikiel only plucked a strand of Tristan’s golden hair from my clothes. He looked at the hair with a calm expression, without a hint of suspicion, and then casually tossed it into the bonfire.

It was a relief that Rikiel didn’t seem to have noticed anything strange. It appeared that Rikiel believed I was taking care of Tristan out of pure goodwill. Well, it would be a more bizarre thing if that stiff-necked knight were to exercise his imagination in a strange direction.

“So, for some reason.”

“…?”

“Lately, I’ve been feeling sorry for you. I also feel that it’s unfair for you, who are merely a being from another world, to be suffering like this over a problem that isn’t your own…”

I looked at Rikiel again. It wasn’t that I was surprised he had said such a thing. It was because I was sure I had heard something similar a few days ago. It felt like my head was being poked and prodded.

“I don’t understand what you mean at all. Why are you suddenly saying that?”

“When you think about it, I feel like you originally had no reason to suffer like this.”

“…”

“I came to this world for hyung-nim. He is my only blood relative and the king I serve, so it’s natural for me to have come to the demon world for his sake. No matter how arduous it is, there can be no regrets.”

“…”

“And the other colleagues as well… I can’t guess what exactly Rehas and Damian are thinking. But they, too, are subjects of the kingdom like me, and they suffered in various ways due to the invasion of the demon world. They, too, must have their own reasons for participating in this expedition.”

“That is certainly true.”

“But what about you? You, who were originally from another world, had no justification whatsoever to come to such a harsh world, did you? Besides, you knew from the beginning how agonizing a place this world is.”

His expression now was strikingly similar to Tristan’s from a few days ago. I guess even if they look completely different, brothers will be brothers? How can they be so self-centered, and how can they, without even realizing it themselves, demand only violent answers from others?

I struggled to swallow the hot lump rising in my throat. I wanted to lash out, asking what would change if I gave that answer, asking what answer would satisfy him, but I forced down the impulse.

‘Saying something like that now would just be venting my anger.’

What meaning would there be in pouring out the words I couldn’t say to the person I really wanted to say them to, to his younger brother? I looked at Rikiel, with difficulty suppressing the emotional urge to vomit. For now, I pushed the harsh words deep down my throat, but I had no idea what else I should say. The only thing I could manage to bring out was.

“Do you think I have none?”

“Rohan?”

“I am not a knight who swears loyalty to the Kingdom of Aidel like you, nor am I a saint who feels joy in the act of helping others itself. Do you think I am helping you all without any purpose?”

“…!”

It was just a bluff. It was something utterly impossible in front of Tristan, but at least to this person, I could bluff as if nothing was wrong. Even though our personalities don’t match well and we fight often, this person has never done me a fatal wrong. A person like this is nothing but a being who can have no influence on me. So, pretending to spew thorny words while reassuring this person is nothing.

“I have things I want as well. To defeat the Demon King, take the queen from him, and give her to your brother, and then I too can return to my original world and achieve what I want.”

“What you want?”

“That’s right. Something that cannot be achieved in this world.”

Such as suicide, or eternal rest. In any case, it was true that it was something impossible in this world. I glanced at Rikiel’s expression and confirmed that while he was speechless with bewilderment, his expression had relaxed a little.

This person is simpler than I thought. He feels terrible guilt seeing others struggling in pain, but if you subtly hint that there will be some reward at the end of that pain, he is reassured and lets his guard down just like that. Without even knowing that the reward itself is as ephemeral as a bubble.

His sense of morality is like that of children watching a tawdry puppet show in a daze, so he’s quite easy to deceive. I continued speaking, feigning a cold expression.

“Do you understand? I am not helping you for free. Of course, you don’t need to pay me a price directly, so don’t worry.”

“If that’s the case, then that’s a relief.”

“Hmm, you’re so transparent. To say it’s a relief at the words that there’s no need to pay a price.”

“Ah, no. That’s not it…!”

I’m relieved that you’re not suffering for nothing, Rikiel quickly added, his face blushing. I chuckled and nodded.

If only I could have bluffed this much when I talked to Tristan five days ago, if only I could have told this kind of lie, how good it would have been. Then Tristan wouldn’t have been so dejected that he couldn’t even talk to me properly for the past few days. I might have had a slightly better time too.

Feeling somewhat tired, I ignored Rikiel’s presence, spread a blanket next to the bonfire, and slowly crawled into it. Tristan’s curse was over anyway, and it seemed I had to sleep now to be able to move my body somehow tomorrow. As I curled up inside the blanket and closed my eyes, Rikiel also started to rustle, as if getting ready to sleep. I heard the sound of his large body lying down and covering himself with a blanket, and just as everything was finally quieting down, Rikiel spoke to me again.

“Rohan.”

“What.”

“In that case, are you certain that you are gaining something through this act?”

“Didn’t I tell you several times, I’m doing this for my own purpose. It’s better not to have any clumsy pity.”

“No, even so…”

“Even if you ask what my purpose is, I won’t tell you. Understood?”

Because I would rather die than tell you the embarrassing truth that my purpose is to get rid of my lust for your brother. I tried to fall asleep with those words settled deep in my stomach. I had been awake for too long. It was obvious that I would suffer tomorrow if I didn’t sleep now.

“That wasn’t what I wanted to ask, though.”

“…”

“Rohan.”

“Go to sleep, please. Don’t you ever sleep?”

“But I’ll just ask one thing.”

I covered my ears with both hands out of annoyance, but Rikiel continued to speak, unconcerned. Ah, this is why that person is annoying. Once he starts to fixate on something, he doesn’t know how to give up and keeps clinging to it…

“If you achieve that purpose, will you be happy? To the extent that you can forget all the suffering you’ve experienced so far?”

Flinch. I shuddered but managed to refrain from saying anything harsh to Rikiel. I take back what I just said. That man isn’t just annoying.

I hate it. Even more so because I can’t clearly define the reason why I hate it.