DOGC Ch 22

—Haenam’s Growth Journal, First Chapter

I have never written a diary in my entire life.

I have not had many days that were meaningful enough to record, nor days I wanted to remember.

I think I was just busy trying to get by.

Rather than letting my emotions out, I was used to suppressing them in order to survive.

A diary was a luxury. I never even attempted to write one.

However, from today, I intend to occasionally pick up a pen.

In the distant future, a day might come when this child grows up and becomes curious about what kind of person I was, and what kind of heart I had when we were together.

Just like how I enjoyed listening to my mother’s stories.

Just like how I lived day by day, using those memories as a support, even after my mother passed away.

So, I decided to try writing.

A little bit at a time, whenever something I want to remember happens.

This child’s day, and my day that becomes brilliant by his side.

Because I want to remember this feeling for a long time.

—Haenam’s Growth Journal, Second Chapter

There are two months left until I meet Haenam.

When I feel the fetal movements strongly, the fact that there really is not much time left hits me.

I feel excited, and at the same time, I also feel afraid.

I am not yet an adult. It seems that no matter how much I prepare my heart, it is not enough.

Still, it is not that I do not want to see you, my baby.

Will I be able to be a good parent like my mom was?

🦅

“Oh.”

A stir, a subtle movement was felt from somewhere deep inside. Seorim, who had been standing hunched over with a hand on his belly, flinched. His eyes slowly looked down.

From inside, another faint vibration, a little thud, spread.

“…He moved.”

Seorim mumbled in a small voice. At those words, Yeonho, who had been getting his shoes, turned his head.

“What did.”

Instead of answering, Seorim stood still with his palm pressed against his own belly. His gaze was still fixed on his protruding stomach.

“He’s kicking, from inside.”

Yeonho’s gaze also fell towards the now not so shallow mound. He approached and bent his knees to sit. His hand, with its neat fingertips, carefully wrapped around the belly.

“Is he saying hello?”

“I think so.”

“He recognizes my voice?”

As if in answer, the baby stirred and moved once more from inside. As they entered the eighth month, the frequency of fetal movements increased. A deep interest filled Yeonho’s eyes.

“Do you know who I am?”

“If you ask like that, he probably cannot answer.”

“I think he understands. He’s a clever one.”

Seorim silently nodded his head. It was so fascinating that someone was really living inside his belly, that the small life had just waved its hand towards its parents, that he kept stroking his lower abdomen.

“Let’s go, to see if the baby is healthy.”

While Yeonho opened the front door, Seorim slipped his feet into his shoes. It was no longer comfortable to lower his posture and bend his toes, so he had to wear slippers. In this way, he felt the reality of the baby growing bigger and bigger every day.

The shadows of the two men stretched long in the hallway. While they waited after pressing the elevator button, Seorim stared blankly at the ceiling. His hand was naturally placed on his belly.

“Is he kicking again?”

“No, he’s quiet now. He does kick often, though.”

“Maybe he wants to get out quickly.”

The elevator carrying the two of them arrived at the underground parking garage. He was now used to waiting for Ryu Yeonho’s car. When Seorim came to a halt at the entrance, Yeonho walked to his car, which was parked a little distance away.

Getting into the passenger seat and having Yeonho fasten the seatbelt for him was a series of actions that flowed smoothly. Bringing a hand to his mouth for a small yawn, Seorim looked out the window.

About two months left until the baby comes into the world. He felt like time was passing by especially quickly. The season, too, was already in the full swing of summer.

It was not a long distance to the obstetrics and gynecology clinic, so the car arrived at the hospital shortly after.

After they finished registering and were waiting, a staff member came out and called his name.

“Mr. Baek Seorim, please come this way.”

Yeonho and Seorim stood up at the same time and headed for the examination room. Along the path with white walls and low lighting, in the calm air unique to hospitals, Seorim’s steps were a little slow. It was a time when the weight of his lower abdomen felt distinctly different.

As they entered the examination room, the doctor greeted the two of them with a welcoming face.

“Welcome. How have you been lately?”

“I am okay. I get tired sometimes, but maybe it is because I do not move much……. It is bearable.”

“And the fetal movements?”

“I felt them this morning. They come quite often.”

The doctor nodded and pointed to the ultrasound machine.

“Then we will be able to see the baby’s appearance in detail today. Please lie down.”

After watching Seorim lie down on the examination table covered with a black cushion, a nurse lifted his shirt. Soon, a cold gel was evenly spread over his convex belly. Yeonho sat in the seat next to him, silently watching the process.

The doctor carefully pushed the device. In response, a blurry image appeared on the small monitor. A scene of a thumbnail-sized heart beating steadily and admirably was shown.

“This part is the head, and this is the heart. He is very active right now. You see how he keeps moving, right?”

Seorim, about to say something, instead traced the screen with his eyes. So that’s really our baby. Seeing the beating heart and the outline of the face, the vague concept of ‘pregnancy’ transformed into the concrete ‘child of Baek Seorim and Ryu Yeonho’. Wonder and affection, fear and burden, all mixed together and swirled in his chest.

The tiny being shifted its body inside his belly. A tiny little hand shot up, then it turned its head, and even kicked out a leg. He had been moving so busily inside the womb every day.

Unconsciously, Seorim’s hand moved towards Yeonho. Yeonho quietly took that hand in his and asked.

“He’s healthy, right?”

“Yes, everything is going smoothly. His weight is also increasing very well.”

The relief that those words brought felt like more than just the results of a test. The doctor added with a gentle smile on his lips.

“Shall we take a closer look at his face?”

For a moment, it seemed as if a blurry outline was being magnified on the monitor, and then, Haenam’s face appeared in the center of the screen. The bridge of his nose and the line of his lips were clear. Surprisingly, from the face that was still immaturely formed, he could see Ryu Yeonho.

“…He looks like you.”

Yeonho muttered in a low voice. Seorim was looking at him, and Yeonho’s gaze rested on Seorim instead of the monitor. It seemed the two of them were looking at each other’s faces and thinking the same thing.

He had thought the baby resembled Ryu Yeonho much more than him, but the other man seemed to feel the opposite.

“Both you parents are so good-looking, he is going to be incredibly popular when he is born.”

“Is that so.”

“Of course. I never imagined Mr. Seorim’s guardian would be such an amazing person.”

He felt somewhat awkward. When they were at the mansion together, or staying in the countryside village, he had not known, but in the city, he often encountered Ryu Yeonho’s fame. Of course, the man himself did not seem to care in the slightest.

“Take your iron supplements consistently, and drink water often. If the swelling gets severe, you need to come to the hospital.”

“Yeees.”

“There are a lot of mood swings during this period, so do not suffer alone too much. Talk to each other often.”

Other advice followed, such as avoiding overeating and that it is better to sleep lying on the left side.

There was no particular conversation between the two of them from the time they left the hospital until they got into the car. Seorim sat in the passenger seat and stared blankly out the window. The trees passing by blurrily on the road spread like watercolor in his unfocused eyes.

After driving in silence for a while, the car stopped at a red light. Yeonho, loosely holding the steering wheel with one hand, opened his mouth.

“Are you scared?”

Seorim did not turn his head. He answered while his gaze was still fixed somewhere beyond the window.

“A little.”

It was so small it was almost inaudible, but the emotion contained within it was heavy.

“The ultrasound today came out well, and the baby is healthy, but I am scared. Because it feels like the time for him to be born is really getting close. And I, I am not ready. So many things have changed so suddenly. I….”

He did not feel like he was qualified, he was afraid of taking responsibility for someone, and he was not confident that Baek Seorim, who had only been busy trying to survive, could be a good parent, an adult, a friend. The role of a parent was still an unknown territory.

Yeonho, who had been watching the blinking turn signal, casually threw out a word.

“It is only natural to be scared.”

“….”

“It is hard enough to handle your own body, so if you think about someone growing in there, of course it would be scary.”

Yeonho’s hand moved from the gearshift and gently settled on Seorim’s knee. With a weight that was not burdensome, it calmly caressed his skin.

“It is my first time too, so I can’t think of anything good to say.”

“That would be the case.”

“Still, there will be far more fun days. I will stay by your side.”

Acting so affectionate, it does not suit you.

Now, even saying that being affectionate did not suit him was a contradiction. Since they started living together, he had tasted plenty of the affection Ryu Yeonho subtly revealed, so he had to admit his affectionate side.

Seorim brought his hand to the necklace around his neck. As his finger slid along the metal chain, he felt the locket at the end.

Did he think I would be happy if he returned it like this, with the chain newly fixed? Yet, he desperately suppressed the corners of his mouth that were trying to creep up.

Clutching the picture of his mother inside the locket tightly in his hand, Seorim closed his eyes.

Mom, help me.

So that I will not be unhappy this time, may the hardships sent from the heavens be over now. Let me also experience the kind of happiness that others do. Please, let me not be in pain anymore.

I hope the future for me, this child, and the person by my side is filled with bright light.

🦅

Scritch, scratch—.

In the art studio, the sound of a pencil grazing across a canvas created a quiet, pleasant noise. The afternoon sunlight coming through the window spread over the easel leaning against the wall. Finding the peaceful atmosphere particularly satisfying, Seorim briefly paused the hand holding the pencil.

“You are getting the hang of it much faster now.”

Sohee, standing beside him, said after swallowing the cookie in her mouth.

“Your lines are much more natural. Before, it felt like you were being very, very cautious.”

“Back then, my hand would tremble before I even started drawing. Since it had been a while.”

“And now?”

“I just draw. I am getting more and more used to it.”

Sohee nodded with a pleased expression and pushed the water container to the side. She looked at the landscape Seorim had sketched as a preliminary drawing for a moment before speaking quietly.

“Later, when I have some more time……. I want to try learning to paint formally at a university.”

“A university?”

“Right now, even taking lessons twice a week like this is a bit much. But still, I feel like, I really want to do it. Not just as a hobby, but as a job that I love.”

After saying those words, his face grew slightly hot. The thought that it was a bit late to go back to university crossed his mind, but upon voicing the once-vague idea to another person, a thrill greater than embarrassment washed over him.

Contrary to his worry that he might be ridiculed, Sohee looked at Seorim silently and replied in a rather serious voice.

“That’s great. I am all for it. When I look at your paintings, it is clear you are sincere.”

“You can see that?”

“Of course. Not only are your brushstrokes not awkward, but the emotion you are trying to express is so clear. That is not something you can get just by imitating.”

Sohee, with a gentle smile on her lips, flipped the corner of the sketchbook Seorim had drawn in with her fingertips. As if taking out and reading an old letter, slowly, one page at a time.

“Ah, then do I have to prepare for the art school entrance exam…?”

“Not yet. There is also the baby, so it is too soon to start in earnest.”

When Seorim moved the hand that was resting on his knee to the side, his quite protruded belly was slowly revealed. Sohee tilted her head with a smiling-eyed expression.

“He is coming soon, right?”

“There is not much time left now.”

Hearing the answer, Sohee gently lowered her posture.

“Can I touch it?”

“Yes.”

Her white, neatly manicured fingertips descended onto his belly as if wrapping around it. It was a delicate touch, like someone handling something very precious.

“It is pretty. One of my parents is also an omega. When I was young, I used to find it fascinating and ask why I had two dads.”

“You did not get teased or anything?”

“Who would tease me? It is not that rare. But I did find it fascinating.”

As he followed Sohee’s gaze, which was intently watching his belly, the reality of it all suddenly felt a little closer. The fact that someone was inside, and that someone else was feeling it together. In tune with that, he felt the baby stir inside his womb.

“Has the baby’s sub-gender been revealed?”

“They said he is an alpha.”

“Both you, Mr. Seorim, and the Executive Director are dominant, so the baby will be dominant too. Wow, he’ll be talented no matter what he does. I’m jealous.”

Talent. Seorim stared blankly at his own belly and asked.

“Is that so?”

“It is. People with dominant sub-genders excel in any field. You, Mr. Seorim, have a talent for painting too. They say it often appears in omegas in the arts.”

Casting a melancholic gaze over the round curve, Sohee muttered as if to herself.

“I think the baby will be so pretty. I want to see him soon.”

Since both Ryu Yeonho and himself were exceptionally good-looking, it was true that a beautiful child would surely be born, but regardless of appearance, he would look the most beautiful in the world. Seorim, too, wanted to meet the child soon.

Sohee, who had been quietly observing his belly, suddenly straightened up and asked.

“By the way, you two are married, right?”

“Pardon?”

“With the Executive Director. Or was it a shotgun wedding?”

He was taken aback by the sudden question. He supposed that with his belly this big, it was natural for others to assume they were married. Not knowing how to answer, Seorim vaguely trailed off his words.

“Ah, well……. I guess so?”

“It is not ‘I guess so,’ it is a shotgun wedding! He did not seem like that kind of person, how sneaky, the Executive Director.”

Somehow, he had turned Ryu Yeonho into a sneaky romantic who had a shotgun wedding. He wondered how she would react if she knew the dark story, one that could never be told to others, behind Haenam’s conception. It was a story that had to be kept a secret from the child, even to the grave.

Sohee, collecting her laughter, walked towards the paintings Seorim had set up. She stopped at the painting on the easel and said.

“Maybe because you are constantly bonding with the baby, the paintings are very warm. The piece you are working on now is like that too.”

The canvas held a scene of the Haenam beach at sunset.

He planned to fill it with soft and tranquil colors instead of strong brushstrokes. A hazy purple spreading along the distant horizon, and below it, the calmly rolling sea in a moist blue-gray. On the water’s surface, he intended to embroider the golden light of the sun just before it set.

“Mr. Seorim, would you like to submit this painting, by any chance?”

“Submit it?”

“It is not anything grand, but I am holding a small-scale exhibition this time. I think you could submit it as an invited artist.”

Submitting a piece already was something he had not even dared to imagine. It meant that someone might pay money to view, and even purchase, this painting. It was an offer so undeserved it was overwhelming, so Seorim became a broken doll and stuttered.

“But, is it okay for me to do that? I, I feel like I would be causing trouble. Since I am still, uh, inexperienced.”

“It does not feel inexperienced at all. And actually, it is good. I like the warm feeling that your paintings, Mr. Seorim, give off.”

Her tone was not that of someone joking. His heart, which had been racing, was now pounding chaotically. Afraid that his cloud-like excitement would be discovered, Seorim tried to maintain a straight face, pretending to be calm.

“It is not a large-scale event, so do not feel too burdened. Think about it.”

When Sohee excused herself to go to the restroom, Seorim gently placed his fingertips on the easel. The hand that had been so excited just a moment ago was trembling faintly.

To be openly acknowledged for the work I love, how could it be such a sweet joy?

For someone to look at me, look at my painting, and read the sincerity within it. It was a kind of emotion that the previous Baek Seorim had never been able to experience in the life he had led.

🦅

In the center of the dining table, a soybean paste stew was bubbling away. The savory aroma tickled his nose, and the steam rising from it awakened his appetite.

Around it, small plates were arranged in a circle. Shiny stir-fried anchovies, squid strips dressed in gochujang, tamagoyaki with its soft cross-section revealed, and seasoned vegetables with a subtle scent of sesame oil.

It was a dinner table where you could feel the care put into each and every dish. Of course, it was not prepared by Yeonho or Seorim, but by the housekeeper who took care of the household chores, who had filled the refrigerator.

Yeonho, after taking a spoonful of the soybean paste stew from his bowl, slowly opened his mouth.

“You look like you are in a good mood.”

Seorim, who was putting a piece of tamagoyaki into his mouth, looked up.

“Me?”

“Did something happen?”

Only then did he realize that the corners of his mouth had unconsciously relaxed into a gentle curve. Seorim put down the tamagoyaki he was about to eat for a moment and fumbled with his dazed face. He touched his cheek, put a hand to his forehead, and even cleared his throat once for no reason.

“Ah, today during my painting class. I heard something nice.”

“How nice was it that you cannot keep your face still.”

So perceptive, as always, Seorim muttered inwardly and slowly put down his chopsticks. To think he would get caught being in a good mood like this.

“Did you, did you see my painting?”

“I saw it.”

“How is it?”

Yeonho was calm, without even a smile.

“You drew it well.”

That was it. I was not hoping for some grand compliment, but it was anticlimactic for him to sum up his thoughts on the painting in a single sentence.

“I am not going to talk about it.”

“Why, I said you drew it well.”

“Even Yeonwoo would say more than that. Not just Yeonwoo, even a grandpa passing by would have a better reaction than that….”

If you are going to compliment me, do it properly. His lips were neatly closed, but his eyes were filled with dissatisfaction. Seeing that, Yeonho soothed Seorim in a voice mixed with laughter.

“No, you really did draw it well. In a way that suits you.”

“You used to say that painting did not suit me.”

“I do not remember. When did I ever.”

Seorim narrowed his eyes and looked at Yeonho, then let out a shallow sigh. It was infuriating that he was feigning ignorance, but he could not keep this good news to himself forever. Forcibly composing the corners of his mouth, Seorim brought up the story as if he could not help it.

“Anyway, Ms. Sohee asked me to submit my painting to an exhibition.”

“Your painting?”

“Yes.”

Yeonho stirred the stew’s broth once with his spoon and then asked.

“I feel a little sad. Are you trying to become independent already?”

“It seems it is not far off.”

“Take it slow. How long has it been since you started living while using my card.”

“It is all debt, I tell you.”

When Seorim blurted that out, Yeonho smiled nonchalantly and put a spoonful of rice in his mouth. He tilted his head slightly and said.

“My money is your money.”

“Then is my money Mr. Ryu Yeonho’s money too?”

“You keep your money. It will not make a difference even if I have it.”

It was absurd. That tone of his, where you could not tell if he was being serious or joking, was, as always, annoying yet not unpleasant.

Seorim ate about two spoonfuls of rice and put his spoon down. Yeonho stared blankly at the rice bowl, which was more than half full, and then placed a piece of tamagoyaki on top.

“But.”

“Yes.”

As Seorim chewed on the piece of tamagoyaki he had received, Yeonho suddenly threw a question at him.

“Where is your mother?”

“I do not have a mother.”

When Seorim answered, blinking his eyes, Yeonho briefly put down his chopsticks and stared intently at Seorim. He shook his head slightly, as if in disbelief.

“I am asking where her columbarium is.”

Ah. Seorim belatedly realized what he had taken it to mean and smiled awkwardly. It seemed a look of thinking him pathetic had briefly crossed Ryu Yeonho’s face.

“It is in the Yongin area.”

“Do you not go to see your mother?”

He suddenly asks if he does not go to see his mother. Seorim’s mouth closed as he looked at the seasoned vegetables glistening with oil.

Come to think of it, now that he was a free man, he could go see his mother. He was dragged away by the debt collectors right after the funeral, so he had not been able to visit her even once. Since he had no other family, he was the only one to visit his mother, yet he had guiltily left her alone for too long.

A sense of guilt washed over him. Why had he not gone to see her sooner, when he had endured for so long by relying on his mother’s photograph? The fact that he had completely forgotten something so important, only to be reminded of it by someone else’s words, made his heart ache with shame.

Seorim took a spoonful of rice with the seasoned vegetables and answered.

“I will go.”

“Let’s go together on the weekend, then.”

“You will go with me?”

“I should pay my respects.”

Seorim looked up at Yeonho with somewhat surprised eyes. He knew he had said it seriously, but now that he was actually saying they would go together, it did not feel real.

“You are more sincere than I thought.”

“I told you I had a home education. I just taught myself, that is all.”

What on earth did he mean by self-taught home education? Seorim swallowed the rice grain caught in his throat and picked up the seasoned dried squid with his chopsticks as he opened his mouth.

“But, Mr. Ryu Yeonho.”

“Yes.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

He had received an answer before to the question of whether he regretted his choice, and why it was him. Going further, he was curious as to why he was being treated so affectionately. When before, he had not even seen him as a person and had acted so selfishly.

“What are you talking about all of a sudden.”

“No, Mr. Ryu Yeonho, you are someone who does whatever you want, right? Anything. You can have anything you want.”

“I am not a god, how can I have everything I want.”

Clatter, the sound of Ryu Yeonho putting down his chopsticks spread across the table. With a neat gesture, he brought a glass of water to his lips.

“It is a very simple problem.”

“….”

“To get what you want, you have to provide what the other person wants. I want you. If possible, Baek Seorim as he is.”

The Adam’s apple on his defined throat bobbed up and down. Seorim, as if mesmerized, took in the sight of Ryu Yeonho quenching his throat.

“It is interesting to see you choose something of your own will, and to see you laugh, be sad, and feel various emotions because of it. I want to keep seeing it.”

What kind of emotion is it to want to see every side of another person’s true self from up close? Since Seorim had never felt such a thing, he did not know the depth of that emotion.

“To do that, I have to keep you by my side. But you do not want anything I have. Not money, not honor. Even if I were to somehow take you by force, that would not be the you I want to see.”

Ryu Yeonho lightly wiped his mouth with a napkin from the table. His rice and soup bowls were completely empty, as if he had finished eating at some point.

“For example, the way you glare at me without your spirit breaking even when you are trampled and bent. The way you play earnestly with the child when he clings to you, even though you find it bothersome. And most of all….”

Most of all.

“Your face is my type.”

A voice without a hint of laughter was added at the end of the sentence. It was so calm and clean that, on the contrary, it did not sound like a joke. Seorim blinked for a moment, then lowered his head.

“…I feel the same way. It is annoying, though.”

“So I am giving myself to you. Since I am enjoying what I want by your side, you should enjoy me too.”

Seorim raised his lowered gaze and met Yeonho’s eyes again. A nonchalant face, as if stating a very obvious fact. That person always takes everything he offers for granted like this.

“You are a really peculiar person, Mr. Ryu Yeonho.”

“What is so peculiar. Everyone lives like this.”

Seorim let out a deflated laugh. The reason he could rely on such unrealistic words was because the other person was Ryu Yeonho. He was a person who always made what he thought a reality.

“Thank you. I am not a special person.”

“You are special. To me.”

Yeonho’s words landed calmly, but their resonance was long. Seorim looked at him without a reply, then lowered his head and ate a few more spoonfuls of white rice. He felt the grains he had swallowed into his mouth gently swelling in a corner of his heart.

The fact that the pieces of himself he had considered ordinary and insignificant could, at some point, be considered ‘special’ by someone, became a fresh source of comfort.

🦅

The columbarium where his mother was enshrined was located on the outskirts of Yongin, a good distance further in from the edge of the city.

The interior of the old, concrete-built building was well-organized. As places related to death usually are, the surroundings were quiet. The air was imbued with the smell of lingering dust and old incense.

Low-lying sunlight cast a faint shadow over the cold marble of the interior. Since it was his first time visiting, Seorim did not know the exact location of his mother’s urn.

He simply moved his feet, trusting his instincts. He scanned the white urns arranged in tiers along the narrow, long, rectangular corridor that continued from the entrance. Small frames, dolls, and paper cranes left by someone seemed to serve as silent greetings.

Because the floor was made of stone, his footsteps echoed clearly. Seorim, who had been scanning the surfaces engraved with names and dates with his eyes, stopped with a shallow breath.

“…It is here.”

Where his steps had stopped, a small, neat urn was placed. He suddenly felt something drop away from under his ribs.

Kim Yeonhee.

It was a name he had buried in his heart, but seeing it engraved in letters right before his eyes made the tip of his tongue tingle.

Seorim stood before it, unable to bend his knees or place a hand on it. Along with the stale scent of incense, the nostalgia of a long-ago memory brushed past him.

On a rainy day, the warm and damp smell that had seeped into his mother’s collar. The scent of fabric softener that vibrated so strongly it gave him a headache when she returned from work. At the end of it, a very faint fishy smell. Even the sensation of the hand that patted his back at the end of a weary day came back to life faintly.

Tears did not come. His insides just churned and his throat felt tight. Seorim silently raised his hand and slowly traced the urn behind the glass, as if he were stroking it, yet not quite.

Yeonho, who had been keeping his place beside him, came closer. He too looked beyond the glass pane, then opened his mouth in a low voice.

“You look a lot like your mother, as expected.”

“I do?”

“Why is your expression so bad.”

Seorim quietly lowered his eyes. It felt as though no words could fully explain his current state of mind.

“…Because I am sorry. Just, for everything.”

For coming to visit late, and for not living like the person his mother had hoped he would be. Although it was against his will, even for the time he had not returned once since walking out of the funeral home doors.

Sometimes, it felt unfair. He would scream at the sky, asking why it was so cruel only to me, only to us. He knew it was not his mother’s fault, but there were definitely times he had resented her for leaving him alone.

Those moments had piled up layer by layer deep inside him, and upon facing his mother, it felt as if all those emotions were collapsing at once.

“What is there to be sorry about.”

“Because I lived a shameful life to my mom.”

“You should be proud of having tenaciously survived. In that god-awful environment.”

In fact, Ryu Yeonho was one of the people who had contributed to that god-awful environment. To think that he would come to his mother’s columbarium holding hands with that person, one really never knows where life will flow.

“My name is Ryu Yeonho.”

Suddenly, Yeonho faced the urn and bowed his head. An honest texture, not overly embellished, was present in his tone. He glanced once at Seorim standing beside him, then continued speaking to the mother beyond the glass.

“From now on, I will diligently take care of your son. Please do not worry.”

It was a promise that carried weight. It was embarrassing to have someone say they would take care of him. Not knowing what to do, Seorim just repeatedly clenched and unclenched his knuckles.

“You must have been surprised that a child is carrying a child, but if you scold me later, I will accept it gladly. I will raise him well, so please assuage your anger.”

So he really is sincere in strange areas. He seems selfish, yet there is a subtle sense of responsibility that gently warms a corner of my heart.

As if his speech was over, Yeonho took half a step to the side, as if to clear the way.

“If you have something to say, say it and come back. I will get out of the way.”

I feel like I might cry if I am left alone. His throat was already tickling, but he held his breath and endured. As his feet moved towards the urn, he felt Ryu Yeonho’s body heat gradually moving away.

After confirming Yeonho’s back as he turned a corner and left the spot, Seorim faced his mother alone.

“Mom.”

It took a long time to get that one word out.

It was a word that barely flowed out, as if his lips were stuck together. The moment he spoke, the things he had covered with silk at the very bottom of his consciousness collapsed without a sound. Longing and sorrow surged up his throat all at once.

“I am sorry I could not come sooner. You were lonely, weren’t you.”

Tears welled up, but he did not let them burst out in the end. Seorim just quietly, finally, conveyed his proper regards.

“I, I am doing well. I am doing well enough that it feels like a lie that I was doing so terribly before, just like other people. Perhaps even much better than others.”

The times he had passed through in his younger days flashed before his eyes like a panorama.

He had cried a lot. It was excruciatingly painful. He screamed and resented. To survive, he became petty, deceived others, and greeted the day with a fake smile on his lips. He sold Baek Seorim to live for another day.

He lived because he could not die. Days when he wished his breath would stop coexisted with days when he desperately wanted to live.

At the end of turning his back on those times, he stands here now. In a daily life that is so calm and peaceful that it is, on one hand, almost a little frightening.

“I am scared, Mom. So please help me a lot.”

Because I do not know this kind of warmth well, because the only person who was ever affectionate to me in my whole life was my mother. This situation, where I have to receive another’s affection and give affection, is just so unfamiliar. Still, I.

“I love you.”

Give me courage. The strength to move forward and change my world. Please watch over me with a smile, telling me it is okay to be at ease now.

I love you. I miss you.

—Haenam’s Growth Journal, Third Chapter

Haenam was born.

He looks like an alien. A wriggling alien from the star where rabbits pound rice cakes.

It is amazing to see him transform from a water drop mochi into a person with each passing day.

I still cannot believe this came out of my belly.

That I am a parent.

My own life has not even settled down properly yet, and I have to be responsible for a life.

I…….

🦅

Truly, every single day was new.

Newly joyful, newly bewildering, newly tiring. Such was the daily life that came with a baby. In the passing of each day, there was no telling what would happen.

It was also dizzying how much his daily life had changed in the less than two years since he first caught Chairman Ryu’s eye.

It had now been two months since Haenam, whom he had carried in his belly for ten months, came out into the world, and Seorim still could not believe that the small creature had come from his body.

He did not remember the moment of giving birth well. Ryu Yeonho was by his side, and the doctor kept shouting that he had to keep pushing.

You cannot lose consciousness, I can see the baby. He vaguely recalls the doctor’s voice, who was simultaneously cheering and goading him like a pacemaker running a marathon together, echoing through the delivery room.

The pain during labor was so excruciating that he resented Ryu Yeonho.

If I had known it would be like this, I should not have passed by that room. Who would have known that a dominant alpha in a rut cycle would lose his reason and pounce?

“I am sorry.”

That was what Ryu Yeonho had said, hugging his shoulders tightly, after he gave birth to the baby. He was the one who had gone through the ordeal, yet his skin was drenched in sweat. His expression was the same as usual, without a hint of agitation, but his hoarse voice and trembling hands seemed to speak of how anxious he had been as well.

“I am sorry.”

Without saying why he was sorry, Ryu Yeonho kept repeating his apology. Unable to reply that it was okay, Seorim leaned limply against his chest. He was also curious about how the sight of him giving birth had appeared in those eyes to elicit such a reaction.

Haenam came into the world like that. Fortunately, he was healthy, with no ailments anywhere.

They came to care for the baby together with a sitter hired by Ryu Yeonho. She was a woman in her 50s who seemed to be quite a veteran. Her name was ‘Kim Myeongja’, so Seorim called her ‘Auntie Myeongja’.

Auntie Myeongja not only looked after the baby but also took care of the housework. Thanks to her, Seorim was able to focus on recovering his body. He could feel that his stamina had weakened as much as it could, as he had not taken proper care of his health until now.

Nevertheless, Seorim gladly welcomed the daily life that the baby had pushed its way into. When the baby would follow the mobile with its fingers, its eyes wide and round, a mysterious feeling that was hard to describe in words would blossom in that short moment. It was a kind of unknown fulfillment he was feeling for the first time in his life.

It was one weekend afternoon.

The baby was wiggling his feet and looking up at the mobile on the baby chair set up in a corner of the living room. It was a contraption with yellow stars and a moon on a sky-blue cloth, and a rabbit doll made of soft cotton yarn, that was slowly turning.

“Haenam, is it fun?”

Haenam was his prenatal name, so they had to call the baby by his given name after he was born. Ryu Jiho. They had gone to a naming expert to get a decent name, but both Yeonho and Seorim, out of habit, only called the child Haenam.

It was unclear which of the two he resembled, but Haenam’s features were remarkably distinct for a baby. A round and pretty face, eyes full of curiosity, and plump lips. When their eyes met, he would miraculously flash a smile, looking like an angel.

“When does he start talking.”

Ryu Yeonho, sitting beside him, said as he tapped the mobile’s string with his finger.

“It will probably take a while yet. How long has it been since he was born.”

Watching the mobile hanging from the ceiling turn together made him yawn. When Seorim covered his mouth while closing his eyes, a worried voice immediately flew over.

“You could not sleep yesterday either, did you.”

“I am okay. I did get some sleep, though.”

“I will watch him, so you can go in and rest.”

“I am not sleepy yet. I want to see the baby more.”

He felt a gaze sticking to his cheek. Yeonho looked closely at Seorim’s features and then answered.

“He looks like you.”

“He still looks like a sweet potato, you can see that?”

“His eye color is exactly the same as yours. His lips too.”

At those words, Seorim also looked down at the child. His eye color and lips aside, the bridge of his nose and his overall neat impression were the spitting image of Ryu Yeonho.

“I think he looks more like Mr. Ryu Yeonho.”

“You are still calling me Mr. Ryu Yeonho. Are you being distant?”

“…It is just, stuck to my tongue.”