DOGC Ch 12

Should I run away?

Either way, my life is over. It was just a matter of whether I went to prison early, or went to prison after running away outside.

Seorim stared blankly at the lamp lying on the floor, then crawled over, wiped the surface once with his sleeve, and then meticulously left his fingerprints again. This way, Yeonwoo would not be framed as the culprit.

His heart grew urgent. Seorim dragged the slowly stiffening Chairman Ryu and placed him under the curtain. If he left him here, it would at least take some time for someone to discover him.

Seeing the arm fall limply, a wave of guilt washed over him. The smell of death seemed to spread throughout the cool room. Seorim bit his lip as he looked at Chairman Ryu, who looked like a withered tree branch.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

His consciousness kept trying to fade. He repeatedly told himself inwardly that he had to hold on tight to his senses. However, Seorim was not even sure if he was making the best judgment right now.

Let’s just think of myself as a body that has already died from being strangled by Chairman Ryu.

He made a plan that was not quite a plan: if he got caught while running away, he would just jump into the sea and die. Immediately, Seorim opened the closet and stuffed the small amount of money he had previously set aside into his pocket. Even though it was still winter, cold sweat trickled down his back.

“Heu, euk.”

A wind blew in from the open window. He tried to calm his breathing, which was ragged and shallow with anxiety. Goosebumps rose on his arms and the nape of his neck, perhaps because his body temperature had been stolen.

Now, if it is now, with this weather where the snow has stopped and it is not cold, he might be able to walk to the city. As soon as that thought reached him, his legs moved first.

He had no idea what time it was, what minute it was, or how much time had passed. He had to live. He wanted to live. Only after escaping the threat of death and witnessing the death of another did Seorim become so desperate for life.

He threw on a cardigan that was as familiar as his own skin and ran out of the room. Since it was the dead of night, he did not encounter anyone.

Seorim ran out of the mansion once again. This time, there was no help from anyone or any appointments. He just planned to run as far as his strength would take him. From the charge of murder, and more deeply, from the games of the god who played with him.

“Heu-eu, haah.”

Even though it was the dark dawn, his vision was clearer than on the snowy day. He knew which direction to go to get off the mansion grounds.

I hope my stamina holds out until I get to the city.

On the way out, the lake, so familiar and once a place of solace for his heart, appeared. Seorim took out the cell phone from his pocket and threw it into the water without hesitation. It was an object he no longer needed. It was better to get rid of it now, as it might just hold him back.

It was just bad luck that his body had gotten noticeably worse recently. His body was already full of fatigue from all the things that had happened. Pulling up what little stamina he had left, which was already showing its bottom, Seorim walked diligently toward the end of the road.

As he repeated a cycle of walking and running on the dark mountain path, his head throbbed. The spot where Chairman Ryu had hit him ached, and he had to clutch it tightly to press down the pain.

‘Baby, why did you do that?’

When he stopped walking, it felt as if the dead Chairman Ryu, his eyes open spitefully, was strangling him again. The moment his cracked voice sounded so vividly, as if whispering in his ear, he shook his head violently.

It was an accident. I did not kill Chairman Ryu.

‘Hyung-ah, did I kill Father?’

The voice of the young Yeonwoo, completely out of his mind and trembling, also echoed in his ears. Seorim tore at his hair and ran through the darkness. He bit his lip until it burst, and a drop of blood formed.

You didn’t kill him. I killed him. Don’t you live with that kind of thought in your heart.

He was running out of breath. His back was already drenched in sweat, and his vision, which had been clear just a moment ago, grew distant again, making it hard to see the path ahead. The moonlight shining down on his head was illuminating the way, so this was not simply because of the darkness, but because his stamina had dropped to its limit.

When the sun rises, Ryu Yeonho will know everything too. How will he react?

‘You know how to do this kind of thing too?’

He would not just laugh it off saying something like that. No matter how much he hated him and acted like he would eat him alive, Chairman Ryu was his father who shared his blood.

Ryu Yeonho would not forgive Baek Seorim. He, more than anyone, knew best the feeling of losing a parent. The thought of having to make an enemy of him was chilling. And for some reason he could not understand, one side of his chest felt like it was collapsing, a sharp pain slicing through him.

“Eueuk, heu-u, haah.”

How much time had passed?

He had run with all his might, and his side ached and he felt nauseous. Seorim bent over on the side of the road and painstakingly retched. Even so, it was not food, but only a few drops of a liquid mixed with saliva and stomach acid that fell.

If I had known it would come to this, I should have built up some stamina. Instead of living like a bum, reading books and taking walks, I should have done something more productive.

Regrets about the past flickered. It was all meaningless now, but he vowed that if he could live longer, he would eat a lot and exercise regularly.

Someone’s life had been cut short, and to be thinking such thoughts, he let out a hollow laugh, disgusted with himself.

His walking pace gradually slowed. Seorim, with hollow eyes, looked up at a greenish sign that was faintly visible in the distance. It seemed to have some words written on it, but it was hard to make them out clearly.

“……If I go just a little further, I think I’ll get there.”

It did not matter where it was. As long as it was a city with a bus terminal or a train station where he could go even further. It was not the time to rest peacefully, but his eyelids were heavy, and his head ached as if someone were squeezing his brain.

There was not a single part of him from head to toe that was sound. In a way, it was natural. He had been beaten to the brink of death, and before that, he had survived after wandering and trembling for hours on a snowy path. There was no way his body would not be broken.

Just hold on a little longer.

He tried to coax his legs inwardly. However, cruelly, it did not help him move forward at all. He was so thirsty he wanted to swallow saliva to moisten his throat, but his mouth was bone dry, and the thirst intensified.

“Keu-heu, ke-heck, cough, cough.”

On top of that, a cough burst out, making him feel like he was dying. It would be nice if there was something, anything, to drink. Without stopping his walk, Seorim rolled his eyes to survey his surroundings.

Suddenly, he saw a pile of snow in a corner of a grassy patch. Couldn’t I just scoop that into my mouth, melt it, and drink it? He would be grateful even if he had to chew on a few grains of sand.

With his tongue unconsciously sticking out, Seorim staggered toward the snow pile. It was the moment he was about to sit down and scoop up the snow to eat.

“Eu……”

His head spun. It seemed to be because he had suddenly lowered his posture. To hold onto his consciousness, Seorim forcefully pressed his temples.

No, no. Please, I can’t collapse.

The desperate wish he cried out in his heart unfortunately did not reach his body. Seorim’s vision went black.

Thump, his slender body ended up buried in the snowdrift.

🦅

When he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was a white ceiling.

Next, he heard a small whispering voice and the smell of medicine stung his nose. It seemed his senses were returning one by one along with his consciousness. When he forced his eyes to focus to get a clear grip on his mind, his vision cleared up a bit.

“Oh my, he’s awake!”

It was an unfamiliar voice. In his extremely sensitive state, the surprised Seorim hastily turned his head toward the source of the sound. A middle-aged woman with a face he had never seen before was making a surprised expression.

“Are you feeling a bit better?”

“Who……”

“My goodness, I was so surprised, I tell you. To find a person collapsed on a mountain path! If it weren’t for us, you would have been in big trouble, young man.”

It was an ajumma in a bright pink hiking outfit and a white mask. She rambled on loudly in a shrill voice about how surprised she had been when she found him. Seorim let her words flow past him, busy trying to figure out where he was.

“For some reason, I just wanted to go to the mountain with the kids’ dad that day. Oh my, oh, the kids’ dad went to the snack bar just now. I don’t know why he’s making such a fuss about being hungry when he already had lunch.”

He gathered the information that it was past lunchtime. That meant he had been asleep for at least six hours. His heart grew anxious. By lunchtime, someone would have more than likely found Chairman Ryu’s body.

“So, we looked through your things to try and find out your identity, but how can a person not have a cell phone or a wallet? Huh?”

“……”

“We have to contact your guardian so we can go or whatever! You look like my son, so I couldn’t just leave you there.”

It would be big trouble if his identity were to be revealed. Seorim pretended to listen intently to the ajumma’s story about how urgently she had rescued him, while scanning the area beyond her.

“My, you’re so pretty. You could be a celebrity. But then that beautiful face is all hurt. Where are your parents?”

“My parents are……. But can I go to the bathroom for a moment.”

“Can you go by yourself?”

“Yes.”

When Seorim got off the bed, the IV pole made a clatter sound. The bed had ‘Hyeum Hospital’ written on it. Seorim took the outer jacket that was behind the ajumma and went straight to the bathroom.

Hyeum Hospital, Hyeum. He had never heard of it. In any case, if it was such a large hospital, it must mean he had arrived in a city, which was a blessing in disguise.

Keeping his head bowed as low as possible, Seorim entered the bathroom in the right corner. He opened a random stall, hid the pole, and tore out the needle that was piercing the back of his hand.

With a sharp pain, his hand was freed from the pole. Seorim put on his jacket, buttoned it all the way up, and carefully came out of the bathroom stall.

Looking at the sign next to the stairs, the hospital room he had been lying in was on the 3rd floor. In case he ran into the ajumma, Seorim checked the bills in his pants pocket and opened the emergency exit door.

“Haah……”

His body still ached all over and his head was dizzy, but he ran down the stairs frantically. He felt a sense of terror that someone among the many people inside the hospital would grab him by the scruff of the neck and drag him away.

It’s okay. Don’t think about it.

Telling himself that, Seorim crossed the lobby and exited the hospital.

Beep, honk—.

The loud sound of car horns rang in his ears. The scenery that unfolded as he left the hospital was quite unfamiliar, and everything felt like a world inside a TV.

Sunlight, roads, car noise, the smell of coffee, the laughter of passersby. Reality felt like a movie. It was as if his own existence was in black and white, and everything else was in color.

“Heu-eup.”

He took a deep breath in and out. The air that filled his lungs was so cold it felt unreal.

Seorim carefully walked forward and mixed into the crowd of people heading to their respective destinations. He felt like a transparent ghost. But for some reason, that felt reassuring.

It’s a strange feeling. Seeing the people’s steps, the advertisements on the electronic billboards, the crosswalk signals, all flowing as if it were natural, he wondered if he too could one day blend into that natural flow.

Of course, it would be difficult.

He knew that this was just a fleeting moment of freedom.

Stopping on the sidewalk, Seorim shielded his eyes from the sun with the back of his hand and looked around. He saw a few orange taxis parked. One, two. He lightly lifted his feet and carefully moved his body through the crowd.

When he reached the front of a taxi, a driver rolled down the window.

“Where are you headed?”

“The terminal.”

The dull sound of the door lock unlocking spread. Seorim pushed his body into the car as if curling up.

“Is it the intercity bus terminal?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll follow the navigation.”

Soon, the car started. The white lines on the road slid by past the window. Seorim rubbed his tired eyes with the palm of his hand and looked out the window.

Clothing stores, academies, cafes. The scenery beyond the car window changed rapidly. He was once a member of this city, but having lived every day seeing only the scenery surrounded by lush greenery at the mansion, all of this felt unreal.

Seorim stared blankly at the scenery outside, then averted his gaze. When he closed his eyes, his mind became complicated again with anxiety and fear. He had to think about what to do from now on. Constantly.

Now, when the car arrives at the terminal, he has to buy a ticket and go to a neighborhood where no one knows him. He would also have to decide where to lay this body down. Maybe the police would suddenly show up at the terminal. Then it would be the end there.

Where should I go? A place farthest from the capital, where no one would know Baek Seorim.

No suitable place came to mind. Seorim bowed his head and clenched the fist resting on his knee.

“Are you going on a trip somewhere?”

“……Pardon?”

“I mean, if you’re going out of the city, aren’t you going on a trip? Where are you going? Are you going alone?”

The taxi driver struck up a conversation. He already had a lot to think about, so this was a bother. Seorim replied in a roughly insincere tone.

“Just going to clear my head alone.”

“It’s nice to go see the sea or something. The sea is nice, isn’t it? The fishy smell is nice, and there are seagulls. The sea is nice even when it’s cold.”

The sea, the fishy smell.

Suddenly, the smell that used to come from his mother in his childhood came to mind. The fishy smell hidden by the artificial scent of fabric softener.

His mother was from a seaside village. His maternal grandmother was a haenyeo, a female diver, and her day began by selling abalone or seafood she had caught at the fish market. Perhaps that was why, after his father disappeared, his mother also sold fish at the market to feed their two-person family.

Sometimes, his mother would tell him stories of her hometown. Whenever she did, her voice would become softer, and a strange longing would appear in her melancholic eyes.

‘Seorim, in the place where Mommy lived, the day would just go by just by looking at the sea.’

That was how it began.

‘In the morning, the waves crash so hard they come right up to the yard. The haenyeo just throw on those sea waters and go out laughing. With just one net bag tied to their waists, to catch big abalone.’

On the lips of his mother, who was telling the story, was the smile of those days she had shared.

‘The neighborhood dogs go around picking up and eating fish, and on the street corners, the grandmas would put a piece of parae in your hand.’

‘What’s parae?’

‘Parae is a friend of the seaweed our baby likes. It’s so delicious.’

As if her son listening intently to the story was so lovely, his mother tapped the tip of his nose with her finger. Seorim loved that affectionate gesture so much.

‘And when night comes. We would sit on the sand at the beach, and there were women drying mackerel. We would all listen to the sound of the waves and sing a song. The Island Village Teacher.’

In truth, Seorim did not really understand. At that age, he had never even seen waves, haenyeo, or abalone, and he could not understand what was so nostalgic about a smelly village.

It was just that his mother’s eyes shone so beautifully when she told old stories. It was enjoyable to watch that.

“……Mom.”

“Hmm? What did you say, young man?”

The taxi driver asked back at the word he had uttered unconsciously. Seorim touched the bridge of his nose and replied softly.

“I was thinking of going to the sea.”

“Right. Good thinking. We’re here.”

The car slowly came to a stop, and he could see other cars parked in front of the terminal.

It was time to run out into reality again. His heart pounded with anxiety and impatience. Seorim took out the bills from his pocket and handed them to the driver.

“Thank you, young man. Have a good time.”

Without making eye contact, he opened the car door. A building with the large words ‘Hapyeong Intercity Bus Terminal’ written on it stood there, welcoming Seorim.

As he entered the entrance, the automatic doors opened. A musty smell of people and a strong blast of warm air from the heater rushed out from inside. A brief moment of warmth brushed past his cheek.

There were not many people inside. An old man pulling a shabby carrier, leaving for somewhere; a soldier standing in line, fighting off sleep; a woman who had been waving goodbye to her lover, her mouth now closed.

For some reason, it felt like a space where aimlessly drifting lives gathered. He was one of them too.

Seorim stepped carefully on the floor, so as not to let his footsteps be heard.

In case someone called out from behind, saying, ‘Excuse me, are you Baek Seorim?’, in case his wrist was snatched the moment he stopped, in case he was handcuffed from behind.

“Heu, eu.”

For a moment, fear choked him, making it hard to breathe. Seorim pressed down on his chest, which felt like a cold, gaping hole had been punched through it, and approached the ticket counter.

“Please give me a ticket to the farthest place from Seoul. To the end, a place with a sea. With no people.”

“The sea?”

At the bizarre request, the counter staff frowned as if she doubted her ears. She leaned her head out to check Seorim’s face and asked again.

“A sea far from Seoul?”

“Yes.”

“Then, just a moment.”

The employee looked back and forth between a map and the monitor, scratching her cheek, then said.

“How about toward the end of the land? Past Haenam, besides the boat to Geoje, that’s the deepest you can go by land. There are no people there either.”

“Please give me that one.”

“Fifty thousand won.”

When he paid the price, a paper ticket fell onto his palm. It was just a piece of paper, but it felt incredibly heavy. It was because of the thought that this was an object that might decide the rest of his life.

From all around, announcements for bus departures echoed. An electronic board with flashing vehicle numbers, destinations, and gate numbers came into view.

His heart beat irregularly, as if he had run until he was out of breath. Seorim wiped the sweat-beaded palm of his hand on his pants and sat down on a waiting room chair.

There is no turning back now. There is nowhere to return to.

The face of the dead old Chairman Ryu, the curtain covering it, the hand that strangled his neck, Yeonwoo’s trembling shoulders, the tumbling lamp.

The scenes from last night suddenly flashed through his mind. Stroking the nape of his own neck, which had been painfully pressed down, Seorim squeezed his eyes shut.

Don’t think.

I’m still alive. I can still run further. For now.